I'm currently a freshman in a four year college. Above a 3 average, big loving family, low middle class, and I can say I've had good luck with guys and friends.
Now, I'm a very open minded person so it shocks me to realize I am stuck in a circle of thought. Where I see no ending, absolutely no solution, and if I do see it, I cannot find myself to act upon a solution.
I researched a lot, even went to a psychiatrist, and she told me I MIGHT have some symptoms of mild depression, but she wanted to keep talking, once a week and I couldn't when I spoke to her it was like she didn't feel or understand how Deep this agony feels. I spoke to both my parents, my father being diagnosed bipolar and severely depressive I believe would understand. I'm closer to my mother, but neither of them seemed to really be impacted or in a way disregarded what I said. This makes me believe I am exaggerating, that it is "nothing, nothing is wrong" they tell me "your just young.. " So much that sometimes I try to convince myself that's my problem that I'm "young"
I make jokes about it to my friends, like "haha, i do nothing."
but it's not a joke, I do absolutely Nothing I don't work, I'm scared of talking to older people, I cry over any insignificant occurrences.
I am sad, always sad, although I described my life above you can see it isn't the best but not The Worst. It feels like I AM the worst.. I feel like an insignificant worm.. a parasite who just lives and takes up space... someone who can die and not matter.. actually someone who should die because I'm a girl breathing air.. I don't accept life itself.. working hard, working at all, barely study, keeping friendships, stability.. I have none of that and I see a never ending sadness.. I only look at the negative I can make a list of negative things randomly just to cry.. just to keep crying until there is not one happy thought in my head... and a minute later, ill go on, pretending everything is fine. But I know tomorrow, I will do it again. I will make a long list in my head of everything wrong and everything I don't have and I am not and walk alone in sadness and believe it's because I'm "young"
.. what is it? Who can answer me.. Is there anyone I can talk to...

Is this a recent change in your thinking and feeling?

No.. I can say its been at least 2 years.. clouded to when exactly I started feeling this

Is there an infirmary or clinic at school?

It sounds like you are clinically depressed or may be bipolar like your father. You need to see a psychiatrist to get on some medication to take the edge off the depression, and need to go back to counseling. You need to realize that the counselor may not react strongly to what you say. They are not like your friend who's going to jump up with "Oh, my Gods!" and other such demonstrative responses, but rather are trying to focus on hearing what you have to say to understand and help you. They need to see you regularly over a period to be able to do that, and it doesn't usually feel like they are doing much. You are doing the work in talking through these things, and they are supposed to make observations and suggestions over time to help you redirect your thinking, etc.

You sound like a really bright person, so you know that this is not healthy and that your thoughts about being irrelevant and so on are not accurate. Right now you are learning what you need to know, and are doing well in school so your life is very worthwhile. It's all about building a future for yourself, and getting through school so you can turn around and use what you are learning to make a contribution to society. Until that happens, you are a contribution to your friends and family.

I have struggled with similar detrimental feelings and depression in the past. What worked for me was medication plus taking care of myself physically (taking care to make good food choices, drinking more water, cutting back on caffeine, avoiding alcohol, excercising regularly). I also went to counseling. I made plans with friends and make a point of always having something scheduled to look forward to whether a party I'm going to go to, a weekend trip with my family, a movie that's coming out that I'm going to see or whatever. If my friends and family are busy, or at times when I've been in a social "lull" when I haven't felt I had a lot of friends who were very available to me, I've sometimes made plans by myself. One year I decided I was going to hike every public trail in my county, which I did alone. It gave me a great sense of satisfaction to mark off each trail on the many maps I collected. Or I might go see a movie by myself - I am never the only single person there. Or I might buy a magazine or book and go out for lunch or dinner and just savor the experience. I have learned to love being alone. When I can include a friend, I do.

The other thing that helps a lot is that since I felt like I wasn't serving a purpose, I started serving a purpose. I signed up to help with a Habitat for Humanity build and worked on that several weekends and now I do it regularly. I helped a friend who was getting divorced with some paperwork because that's part of my profession. I have been helping another friend who has a hoarding problem to clean up her house. If you don't have people in your life who need help, if you are in college, there are opportunities everywhere to help. Even if you just pay $25 and go walk a 5K, that day you helped the sponsoring charity, did something for your health, and added to the numbers of people bringing attention to the focus of the event.

You have to, in some ways, "do" yourself out of bad feelings, fake it until you make it. Make yourself get up and take care with your appearance, make your bed, put some fruit or vegetables on your plate, go to the gym for an hour instead of watching television. Sign up for a charity instead of spending Saturday alone feeling bad about yourself. Some medication will help you so you will be able to do these things, then you have to make yourself overcome lingering reluctance.

You do matter, but are probably just not tapping into your full potential for your happiness, sociability, the value of your friendshiop, the value you pose to your family, or your usefulness to society. A counselor will help you change that tape in your head to a more appealing and positive tune, and you can move forward from this. Don't loose heart, just take this thing head-on. Mental illness is a lot like other illnesses in that you can get better, but you sometimes have to do something proactive like taking antibiotics, or getting rest or whatever, to overcome that illness.

Is there an infirmary or clinic at school?

Not that I know of.. they just have like a nurse's office in a health service center..

It sounds like you are clinically depressed or may be bipolar like your father. You need to see a psychiatrist to get on some medication to take the edge off the depression, and need to go back to counseling. You need to realize that the counselor may not react strongly to what you say. They are not like your friend who's going to jump up with "Oh, my Gods!" and other such demonstrative responses, but rather are trying to focus on hearing what you have to say to understand and help you. They need to see you regularly over a period of time to be able to do that, and it doesn't usually feel like they are doing much. You are doing the work in talking through these things, and they are suposed to make observations and suggestions over time to help you redirect your thinking, etc.

You sound like a really bright person, so you know that this is not healthy and that your thoughts about being irrelevant and so on are not accurate. Right now you are learning what you need to know, and are doing well in school so your life is very worthwhile. It's all about building a future for yourself, and getting through school so you can turn around and use what you are learning to make a contribution to society. Until that happens, you are a contribution to your friends and family.

I have struggled with similar detrimental feelings and depression in the past. What worked for me was medication plus taking care of myself physically (taking care to make good food choices, drinking more water, cutting back on caffeine, avoiding alcohol, excercising regularly). I also went to counseling. I made plans with friends and make a point of always having something scheduled to look forward to whether a party I'm going to go to, a weekend trip with my family, a movie that's coming out that I'm going to see or whatever. If my friends and family are busy, or at times when I've been in a social "lull" when I haven't felt I had a lot of friends who were very available to me, I've sometimes made plans by myself. One year I decided I was going to hike every public trail in my county, which I did alone. It gave me a great sense of satisfaction to mark off each trail on the many maps I collected. Or I might go see a movie by myself - I am never the only single person there. Or I might buy a magazine or book and go out for lunch or dinner and just savor the experience. I have learned to love being alone. When I can include a friend, I do.

The other thing that helps a lot is that since I felt like I wasn't serving a purpose, I started serving a purpose. I signed up to help with a Habitat for Humanity build and worked on that several weekends and now I do it regularly. I helped a friend who was getting divorced with some paperwork because that's part of my profession. I have been helping another friend who has a hoarding problem to clean up her house. If you don't have people in your life who need help, if you are in college, there are opportunities everywhere to help. Even if you just pay $25 and go walk a 5K, that day you helped the sponsoring charity, did something for your health, and added to the numbers of people bringing attention to the focus of the event.

You have to, in some ways, "do" yourself out of bad feelings, fake it until you make it. Make yourself get up and take care with your appearance, make your bed, put some fruit or vegetables on your plate, go to the gym for an hour instead of watching television. Sign up for a charity instead of spending Saturday alone feeling bad about yourself. Some medication will help you so you will be able to do these things, then you have to make yourself overcome lingering reluctance.

You do matter, but are probably just not tapping into your full potential for your happiness, sociability, the value of your friendshiop, the value you pose to your family, or your usefulness to society. A counselor will help you change that tape in your head to a more appealing and positive tune, and you can move forward from this. Don't loose heart, just take this thing head-on. Mental illness is a lot like other illnesses in that you can get better, but you sometimes have to do something proactive like taking antibiotics, or getting rest or whatever, to overcome that illness.

Thank you, very much it's good to know someone can feel better over time. I feel like I can express my feelings better in writing than talking to a person. I feel like I need medication too.. I tried but feel like I can't do it on my own.. although both my parent's would disapprove. But I know I can't decide that on my own either someone else needs to and I'm not sure how to get to that someone.

All those things you said I should do sound wonderful, and sometimes I start to go out with friends.. smile... for a week.. and something happens and it stops and it's back to being alone in my head.. so that's why I feel like I can't get up in the morning happy by myself.. I'm always tired always sleepy.. I don't have enough energy to give myself energy in a way.