We started dating 5 yrs ago in high school. We had a little boy and we decided to get married. Were both only 23 years old but we had an amazing love story where we both just somehow managed to plow through all the obstacles. I lost my way and started to cheat on her. I felt terrible and I told the other party that it had to stop. I told her that I loved my wife very much and that I didn't want to hurt her.

A year goes by and I start a new job which has a cute girl working there. It got to be fairly slow and we worked there just us two and we got to know each other very well. We started to like each other but never had any contact outside of work. One day she just out of no where kissed me and said I love you. After that we started getting closer and closer and started texting when my wife was at work. I then asked her on a date which we never went on. My wife started to notice the changes and started to notice that I was dressing up for work and I was more irritable with her.

She starts investigating and realized that I liked this girl I worked with. She then starts being colder with me and starts to pick fights with me. All this time I didn't know that she was aware until one day she just says you like her don't you and would not let up until I decided to just fess up. We both cried and said we would work it out but neither one of us put the effort in as I worked 2 jobs and she worked long hours as well. We had agreed that I was no longer going to work with this girl and have no contact with her either.

About 2 months pass and I contacted the girl from work. The emails contained I miss you's and I want to see you that type of content. Well my wife found someone to go through my computer and she came across all of this. She asked if there was anything else she needed to know so I told her about the other girl I had slept with but ended it because I felt horrible about it. She said she wanted an immediate divorce and that we were done. I left for a few hours and she called and said come home. I told her I would meet her somewhere else and we went out to see a movie. We held hands and walked out laughing and having a good time.

After that she asked me to give her some space. As much as I tried I wasn't able to and I smothered her. I went out one night with my friend to give the space she asked for. When I came home I realized that there had been people over that night. Then she started having to go to work at night because there were "things" that needed to get done. She pushed me even further away. I felt the Problem was beyond me so I got my parents involved: BIG MISTAKE!! That got me kicked out of the apt. she later accepts that it was a big mistake to kick me out and that our relationship could have been stayed had she not kicked me out.

She then confeses that she started dating one of our friends that would spend the weekends at our place. But would still sleep with me. So I'm not sure how that makes her any better if she did the same thing I did.

Since then we have kept contact and when I look in her eyes I see this look. It's the I really wish I could just make this work but don't know how. I have tried being sweet even when she treats me like crap. I have tried being indiferant. I also bought a new ring to signify our new beginning she turned it down but goes through my phone just to see the pic of it and comments on it. She says I don't ever want to see you again then calls or texts me hours later. If I don't cantact her for several days she looks for me. WE HAVE A GOOD TIME WHEN WE GO OUT BUT I FEEL LIKE HER PRIDE IS IN THE WAY!! I know she still loves me but I don't know how to fix it.

The reason why She's soon to be my ex wife is because she just told me this yesterday. When in the past she hadn't said anything and was just happy living separate.

SO SHOULD I KEEP FIGHTING FOR HER AND MY SON??

HOW YOUNG IS YOUR SON? If your looking for sysmpanty then this is the wrong place to look. You and your wife/ex wife both really screwed up your marriage and it's no ones fault except your owns. You shouldn't have been close to another woman when married. I'm catholic and that's against my religion and I belief in that a lot. The only person I feel bad for here is your son. Someone shouldn't have to grow up in chaos like this. I don't think I have any advice except for to try to build a time machine, go back in time and fix everything before it happens!

Your wife tells you to go away and then calls you because she cannot bare to see your face, but she cannot live with out it. If what you're saying is true, she still loves you and wants to make things work but she gets the sick feeling that she's not enough.
It's all you're fault, but I think you know that. And she's better than you because I'd lay money on the fact that her 'dating' someone else is because she wants to hurt you just a fraction as much as you hurt her. Whereas you had a family before.
I'm a believer in romance, and if you love your wife and son you will move heaven and earth to make it right. However, only get back with her if you know in yourself that you will never even look at another women in that way. If things don't work out for you, make sure your son always has his dad.

I am happy we agree on this in a way

Our son is two and a half. Im not looking for any sympahty. I really love this girl I would give anything for her. It may not seem like it because of my actions but I DO LOVE HER TO DEATH. I bought her a new engagement ring and she went to the store with me and she tried it on and was very excited about it. She even started talking about our new future together. But all of a sudden she changed. This happens all the time. She's in then she's out.


I am happy we agree on this in a way

There is no doubt that my son will always have his father. I am extremely proud of him and I make sure that he know that. I know I shouldn't but I spoil him rotten. He has more clothes and shoes than I do. He has everything he needs and more.

Your son doesn't need 'more clothes and shoes than you do.' He needs a stable home.
You sound immature, both of you.
But you more so than she. You are the one who cheated and she tried retaliating, but it didn't help her hurt. Buying her a ring? Sorry but that is lame. She needs promises and actions that are proof of the promises, and that takes time, not rings.
And please don't tell men in other threads to 'act confident because women like that.' You can't generalize about either sex. And speaking as a woman, I can tell you that I like honesty and integrity a million times more than confidence.

Are you talking to me!

Your son doesn't need 'more clothes and shoes than you do.' He needs a stable home.
You sound immature, both of you.
But you more so than she. You are the one who cheated and she tried retaliating, but it didn't help her hurt. Buying her a ring? Sorry but that is lame. She needs promises and actions that are proof of the promises, and that takes time, not rings.
And please don't tell men in other threads to 'act confident because women like that.' You can't generalize about either sex. And speaking as a woman, I can tell you that I like honesty and integrity a million times more than confidence.

Believe me when I tell you that I want to provide a stable home for my son. If I didn't care and I didn't want help I wouldn't be here asking for advice. As for the ring I thought it would show my commitment and dedication. We went out on dates and I was sweet I was caring and when she brought up issues I accepted it was my fault and we talked it out and felt better about each other. I made promises but have not been giving the time to prove myself.

As for the advice I gave he was talking about him being insecure so him showing confidence would actually help him in that situation. I didn't mean it would get the girl in every scenario.


Are you talking to me!

No she's talking about me and my ex/wife

I need advice on how to stop this divorce. I need to figure out how to get her realize that she still loves me without me having to beg. I NEED TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE.

WHOA. You don't get her to 'realize that she still loves me.' That is self-centered, self-serving, egotistical baloney. YOU are the one who cheated on HER. Then you come close to cheating on her a SECOND time, and possibly only stopped because she found out.

Your job is to tell her you love her more than anyone, and that you have made these X number of changes in your thinking and behavior, and yes, begging to be given 6 months to prove that every single one of them will be 100%.

I am not Cyrano de Bergerac. You have to do it yourself. But with a number of clueless acts so far, and ways of seeing how men 'should' act in your view, it's going to be a lot of work. Plus you resist advice. So far, not going so well.

Good.
And throwing money around to show someone that you love them will not buy you love or trust. At least your able to except that you were wrong. It does not help the situation but that's usually step one. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SCREWED UP IN THE FIRST PLACE! And if you did do this and you should have promised long ago that you wouldn't do it again. END OF STORY!!

WHOA. You don't get her to 'realize that she still loves me.' That is self-centered, self-serving, egotistical baloney. YOU are the one who cheated on HER. Then you come close to cheating on her a SECOND time, and possibly only stopped because she found out.

Your job is to tell her you love her more than anyone, and that you have made these X number of changes in your thinking and behavior, and yes, begging to be given 6 months to prove that every single one of them will be 100%.

I am not Cyrano de Bergerac. You have to do it yourself. But with a number of clueless acts so far, and ways of seeing how men 'should' act in your view, it's going to be a lot of work. Plus you resist advice. So far, not going so well.

And that is why I'm here. TO BE POINTED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION... How do I go about approching the time to prove myself since she's already asking for a divorce?

It might be too late - we aren't hearing from her, so have no way of knowing. But with a child at stake, you have to try.
You DO resist. You have protested every comment we have made about money and rings. This is the sort of thing you have to STOP. No excuses!
You say you made promises but haven't been given enough time to prove them.
WRITE THEM ON PAPER. And start by saying this: you are sorry you thought that dates, sweet talk, and a ring would prove anything. You know that love is much more than that, and much harder to prove, and must be in actions more than words. You want to prove it for your son's sake and the sake of your marriage.
Then list your actions for the next 6 months and hope she will allow you to get 100% of them right, and that you want her to comment on them any time she wants.
THAT'S what love is about. It's work, work, work.

Try saying this to yourself OUT LOUD! I AM NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE! Thank you for agreeing with me Joypulv. I think joypulv is right I think it's a little late. Sorry

It might be too late - we aren't hearing from her, so have no way of knowing. But with a child at stake, you have to try.
You DO resist. You have protested every comment we have made about money and rings. This is the sort of thing you have to STOP. No excuses!
You say you made promises but haven't been given enough time to prove them.
WRITE THEM ON PAPER. And start out by saying this: you are sorry you thought that dates, sweet talk, and a ring would prove anything. You know that love is much more than that, and much harder to prove, and must be in actions more than words. You want to prove it for your son's sake and the sake of your marriage.
Then list your actions for the next 6 months and hope she will allow you to get 100% of them right, and that you want her to comment on them any time she wants.
THAT'S what love is about. It's work, work, work.


I wasn't trying to resist I was simply trying to explain my reasoning. I have been fighting for her since June when we initially started to have issues. I have proved to her that I'm not the monster she thinks I am but I also did screw up in the process. As I was fighting for her she said to me I don't ever want to hear from you or ever see you again. I panicked didn't know what to do. I had left all my friends and even family for her. Well since I had no one to talk to I went nuts and obssesive which drove her away. Then out of no where the girl I use to work with contacted me. I replied since I felt my wife was 100% gone. She then found out and confronted me about it and I told her the truth without excuses. We then started to do better after that. And that's when I decided to get the ring to show her that I am 100% committed to her and than NO ONE is more important to me than her and my son.

I already feel terrible about what I have done... I want to hear possible solutions and advice... I am willing to fight for her until the day that she has all the divorce paperwork signed and ready to go... She means the world to me and I am not willing to give up on her like she didn't give up so easily on me...


try saying this to yourself OUT LOUD! I AM NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE! thank you for agreeing with me Joypulv. i think joypulv is right i think its a little late. sorry

Any advice on how I MAY POSSIBLY save my marriage...

'I want to hear possible solutions and advice.. '

I GAVE SOME and you ignored it, going on more about the ring, and trying to prove that to us that you are worthy. I'm out of here. I see no hope.

'I want to hear possible solutions and advice..'

I GAVE SOME and you ignored it, going on more about the ring. I'm outta here. I see no hope.

I loved your advice I just want to hear more.. I have actually been thinking this whole time of what do include in the letter. You already gave me a great start. The 6 months to prove myself seems like just the right amount of time as she had said that maybe we may reconnect in the future. Don't give up on me I know this marriage can be saved...

I think you both need to part from each other. Too much bad blood here, and to be quite honest, you both seem to not only have a toxic relationship, but you two are very irrational. You, she, and both of your actions may cause harm to your child.

Even if you two did stay together, you both would most likely use this as leverage in future arguments.

I don't think this relationship/marriage can be saved. You both seem immature. You with your cheating, and she with her vacillating back and forth. It seems unstable and could be detrimental to your child's mental health in the future.

However, you seem determined to not listen to anyone's advice.

In the end, you will do what you want, right?

I think your crazy I'm going to leave it at that.
You don't listen to anyone know matter how much we tell you.
Honestly I don't know if I believe ever thing you say.
You must be honest if there is something you lied about to use tell e so I can try to help you. I don't think with what your giving me will help you
And if you really love her you'd let her go!
"if you love some thing you got to let free"

i think your crazy i'm going to leave it at that.
you don't listen to anyone know matter how much we tell you.
honestly i dont know if i believe ever thing you say.
you must be honest if there is something you lied about to use tell e so i can try to help you. i don't think with what your giving me will help you
and if you really love her you'd let her go!
"if you love some thing you got to let free"

I have tried to be as truthful as I could. I laid everything out without trying to twist it in my favor. I do seem crazy but I'm just dedicated to saving my marriage. Her mom did go through a similar divorce but the differnces were that he would abuse alcohol and would physically abuse his wife and at that time my wife. He never changed though until about a year after they divorced, but then quickly fell back into the alcohol addiction. I feel that her mom may be influencing my wife's decision. Based on what she went through.

Like I said if you love something you gota let it free.
Sorry don't have any thing for you.

I'M BACK!
You are doing it again. By 'it' I mean you are dwelling on her rather than yourself. It doesn't matter that her mother might be influencing her - her mother, her friends, everyone she knows, all of them are probably telling her to leave you, for the simple reason that you don't deserve her, based on your cheating.

That is what is hopeless about you. You don't seem to get that this is all your fault. You don't get that you are now below zero and have to fight really, really hard just to get back to zero, and getting into positive territory is even harder. You may lose. Once someone realizes they can get along without you, everything they saw in you and loved about you flies out the window so fast you won't even have time to sigh.

The one and only reason I even care is because you have a young child.

Leave it joypulv he's to stupern to care or listen what we say. If he really loved he wouldn't be on his computer all day he would be out here with our adiffice doing something.

leave it joypulv he's to stupern to care or listen what we say. if he really loved he wouldn't be on his computer all day he would be out here with our adiffice doing something.

I refuse to believe he's stupid. He's articulate enough, and intelligent enough, he's just been conditioned somewhere along his life to believe that a man has to be macho, confident, chest beating, Tarzan, blah blah. He thinks anything else isn't manly. Look at his title to his question! She's 'confused.' He won't acknowledge that he is too, and that he needs to soften and admit his wrongdoings, and yes, he needs to grovel. But the chances of that are the proverbial snow ball's chance in hell.

I refuse to believe he's stupid. He's articulate enough, and intelligent enough, he's just been conditioned somewhere along his life to believe that a man has to be macho, confident, chest beating, Tarzan, blah blah. He thinks anything else isn't manly. Look at his title to his question! She's 'confused.' He won't acknowledge that he is too, and that he needs to soften and admit his wrongdoings, and yes, he needs to grovel. But the chances of that are the proverbial snow ball's chance in hell.

Snowballs chance in hell is good. I prefer 'chance of an old fart in a windstorm' a lot better.

Want to add something. Don't no your name but, look buddy here's the thing. Even if Your wife took you back, she will drive you crazy because she will never trust you again. She will question your every move. Where are u, what time you coming home, checking your phone, emails ext. To the point you will go crazy and end it with her in the end cause you will feel smothered. So in all in all take devorce. Its better in the long run. Hate to say this also, everyone would love to change but you are who you are. Once a cheater always a cheater. Its just your insecure. You like new love because you can be a different man when its new love cause they don't no everything about you. You can make any story up. So here is my advice Stay friends for your son. Cause in the end he will suffer. Move forward and don't get remarried until you are older and morw wise. Some day your like will fall into place. At this point of your life your young take advantage of it cause age creeps up quick. Good luck hope you will find yourself again.

True that. And to joypulv I think I am going to give up on this besides you already said you would.

I refuse to believe he's stupid. He's articulate enough, and intelligent enough, he's just been conditioned somewhere along his life to believe that a man has to be macho, confident, chest beating, Tarzan, blah blah. He thinks anything else isn't manly. Look at his title to his question! She's 'confused.' He won't acknowledge that he is too, and that he needs to soften and admit his wrongdoings, and yes, he needs to grovel. But the chances of that are the proverbial snow ball's chance in hell.

I spent the day with her yesterday getting her tires replaced. Then grabbed some lunch. While at lunch we both just did a little bit of talking. She asked if I loved her and I of course said yes. She said we could spend more time together and she also said that we can continue sleeping together but she wants to take every precaution because she doesn't want to get pregnant "RIGHT NOW." I CAPITALIZED IT BECAUSE WE HAVE ALWAYS WANTED A LITTLE GIRL. So I feel like she's giving me a chance here. She did also throw in that I should keep my guard up so if it doesn't work out I won't be so devastated.

She does go through my phone, emails, wallet, pockets, and you know what I love it because once she realizes I have nothing to hide she gives me more and more trust. Plus if we're together and I get a phone call/text/email she sees what it is and I have no problem with that. I admit It's my fault and I'm not going to hide anything from her. I caused this and those are the consequences I'm OK with that.


leave it joypulv he's to stupern to care or listen what we say. if he really loved he wouldn't be on his computer all day he would be out here with our adiffice doing something.

I'm not on my computer all day and I did go out and I did take the advice to somehow figure out how to buy sometime to prove myself. AND I WAS SOMEWHAT GIVEN THAT TIME. I didn't even have to ask for it. We had such a great time that she kind of just gave it to me. BUT SHE DID WARN ME TO NOT DROP MY GUARD BECAUSE IT MAY NOT WORK OUT!! So now I just need to not screw it up and PROVE my LOVE FOR HER AND MY SON!!

Your not right for each other if she thinks after what you did you to should still sleep together something is wrong in this picture. Like she said if it DOESN'T WORK OUT! Quote quote don't be devastated

She does go thru my phone, emails, wallet, pockets, and you know what I love it because once she realizes I have enothing to hide she gives me more and more trust. Plus if we're together and I get a phone call/text/email she sees what it is and I have no problem with that. I admit It's my fault and I'm not going to hide anything from her. I caused this and those are the consequences I'm ok with that.

Here Im a female, with other issues. But Im married 15 yrs to a man who did nothing but say nasty things to me. But that's besides the point. My point is that over the summer my daughter and a girl became friends. Well her dad is single. We started to become friends, colser. But because I'm married we never crossed boundires. I also told mt husband of this man so he knows about him. Went to his house over a 100 times. Never stepped foot inside. Just last week I realized I started to have feeling for him. So I did the right thing and let him go. So what Im saying is in life temptations are always going to come your way. You need to keep your stuff in your pants. Even though you guys are still married. Act like you started dating again have no sex. Try to see if you guys can re fall in love. There are 3 kinds of love , love like a friend, in love like with your spouse and there is lust just for sex. It seems you 2 have lust. So don't mess things up take your time. Take things one day at a time. From this point forward Ill be doing the same in my own marriage!! I realized Having the opp. Sex in your life is not right. So stay away from other women. As I will stay away from other men.

Hope all will work out for you.
As well as myself.

your not right for each other if she thinks after what you did you to should still sleep together something is wrong in this picture. like she said if it DOESN'T WORK OUT! quote quote dont be devestated

These are her exact words from yesterday afternoon "I will always be yours" I look at her in disbelief and she says "you didn't expect that did you"

Call me crazy again if you'd like but I think it's all been a test to see if I would be tempted by anyone else and so far I have proven myself.

You have. I give you good luck. If that's what she said then that's what she said no one here can argue with that. Am I right?

Here Im a female, with other issues. But Im married 15 yrs to a man who did nothing but say nasty things to me. But thats besides the point. My point is that over the summer my daughter and a girl became friends. Well her dad is single. We started to become friends, colser. But because im married we never crossed boundires. I also told mt husband of this man so he knows about him. went to his house over a 100 times. Never stepped foot inside. Just last week I realized I started to have feeling for him. So I did the right thing and let him go. So what Im saying is in life temptations are always gonna come your way. You need to keep your stuff in your pants. Even though you guys are still married. Act like you started dating again have no sex. Try to see if you guys can re fall in love. There are 3 kinds of love , love like a friend, in love like with your spouse and there is lust just for sex. It seems you 2 have lust. So dont mess things up take your time. Take things one day at a time. From this point foward Ill be doing the same in my own marriage!!! I realized Having the opp. Sex in your life is not right. So stay away from other women. As I will stay away from other men.

Hope all will work out for you.
As well as myself.

Thanks for the advice. I have cut all contact with all friends that would lead me into something misschieovous. I have no female friends not a single one. My work place is full of girls and I can honestly say that they all hate me. They think I'm stuck up and that I think I'm too good for them. Even though they all know I am only looking to receive another chance with my wife... I feel like her asking me if I still love her was an attempt to try to let me back in her heart. Now I'm just assuming here so don't jump all over me but that's just the feeling I got. She also asks me all the time "are you seeing anyone?" "are you sleeping with anyone else?" I'm pretty sure its because she doesn't want to lose me either but can't really forgive me fully yet. What are your thoughts??

OK I understand what you are saying. People judge me because of my age and say that I shouldn't be saying anything but I have the intelligence as any one else does. You can have female friends you just can't have sexual relations with them that's all. But before you gain your colleagues trust gain your wife's trust then your co-workers

you have. i give you good luck. if thats what she said then thats what she said no one here can argue with that. am i right?

You are absolutely right.. Now here's the thing... How do I create the perfect scenario for us to find that fire again? How do I NOT RUIN THIS CHANCE THAT FEW PPL GET?

Honestly I think its like a scab you have to let it heal take baby steps, don't rush it.

ok i understand what you are saying. people judge me because of my age and say that i shouldn't be saying anything but i have the intelligence as any one else does. you can have female friends you just can't have sexual relations with them thats all. but before you gain your colleagues trust gain your wifes trust then your co-workers

I love talking with older people they're always so sweet and have really great advice. I gave up all female friends because I was always a little flirty. So I didn't want to be tempted at all. And therefore I assured my wife that I wouldn't even allow myself to be tempted. I gave them all up and I don't regret it for a second. My wife's trust is what matters to me. She gets really antsy when I text so once I'm done I just hand it to her or if we're in the car ill leave it with her. She even took it home with her for the night once. She admitted to me that she went through everything and found nothing. :)


honestly i think its like a scab you have to let it heal take baby steps, don't rush it.

I think so too. The whole time we were at the place getting her tires I was thinking to myself. Wow she called me to come help her get her tires and oil and not the guy she's dating. Plus she doesn't answer his calls or his texts when she's out with me anymore. When before she would light up and answer right away.

OK just saying I'm young pretty young. If you don't want my advice I understand. That makes sense but remember to take your time and things sounds like its improving take care of your kid to

I'm old, 66 next month. I get bothered easily by little phrases that smack of immaturity, like 'creating the perfect scenario.'
1. You aren't calling the shots for a long, long time, so you don't get to create.
2. There's no such thing as perfect. The sooner young couples in love realize that, the better.
3. What you have to work on is being TRUSTWORTHY, not some love nest with full of fireworks. I'm not going to beat that topic to death. You have to understand it on your own. You have started, by appearing stuck up to the women at work. It's a sacrifice. Good job.

You got married really young under a circumstance of duress, and you hit a rocky path where both of you were very immature. You hold the greater responsibility for the disaster that has ensued because you cheated first, introducing infidelity to your marriage. Your wife, I believe, acted out of anger and the deepest hurt.

You do have a child, and you apparently both still care for and love each other. I recommend you get marriage counseling to work through the mutual betrayal and the issues that led to the betrayal. You also need to figure out an end game to the work schedules. You cannot keep working multiple jobs indefinitely and need to figure out what can be done so that you can earn enough working one job each to support your family. This might mean one of you returns to school or a professional training program or something.

I would not throw in the towel. I think you should approach her and say, "Hey, I was really immature and selfish and rediculous. I want to go to counseling with you and see if we can work out. If we have to divorce, I want to at least know we made every effort to honor our vows to stay together and work through hard times." Don't push for forgiveness or apologies right away. Don't expect her to be consistent - you weren't consistently loyal to her, and she's going to go through a lot of emotions around this thing.

And leave your family out of it moving forward. Best wishes.

OK I am young I'm fine with this and ihate how eople judge me like I don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm listening to all advice. I can't really tell your age. All I know is that I am thankful for the advice you guys have given.


I'm old, 66 next month. I get bothered easily by little phrases that smack of immaturity, like 'creating the perfect scenario.'
1. You aren't calling the shots for a long, long time, so you don't get to create.
2. There's no such thing as perfect. The sooner young couples in love realize that, the better.
3. What you have to work on is being TRUSTWORTHY, not some love nest with full of fireworks. I'm not going to beat that topic to death. You have to understand it on your own. You have started, by appearing stuck up to the women at work. It's a sacrifice. Good job.

Thanks joypulv, I have realized that I'm on her turf now. She calls the shots and It's her terms that we go by.

No problem

You got married really young under a circumstance of duress, and you hit a rocky path where both of you were very immature. You hold the greater responsibility for the disaster that has ensued because you cheated first, introducing infidelity to your marriage. Your wife, I believe, acted out of anger and the deepest hurt.

You do have a child, and you apparently both still care for and love each other. I recommend you get marriage counseling to work through the mutual betrayal and the issues that led to the betrayal. You also need to figure out an end game to the work schedules. You cannot keep working multiple jobs indefinately and need to figure out what can be done so that you can earn enough working one job each to support your family. This might mean one of you returns to school or a professional training program or something.

I would not throw in the towel. I think you should approach her and say, "Hey, I was really immature and selfish and rediculous. I want to go to counseling with you and see if we can work out. If we have to divorce, I want to at least know we made every effort to honor our vows to stay together and work through hard times." Don't push for forgiveness or apologies right away. Don't expect her to be consistent - you weren't consistently loyal to her, and she's going to go through a lot of emotions around this thing.

And leave your family out of it moving forward. Best wishes.

Right now she refuses to even talk about marriage counselling or getting any outside help. That's why I ask you guys to try and find the right steps that need to be taken until I am able to get her there.


no problem

Just curious how old are you?

Off topic but do you see hope in me now?

Just wondering does this matter.

Honestly I'm in high school. But just follow your heart it will lead you to the right place. If

just wondering does this matter.

I was just curious.

QUOTE by krazyfas;
Thanks for the advice. I have cut all contact with all friends that would lead me into something misschieovous. I have no female friends not a single one. My work place is full of girls and I can honestly say that they all hate me. They think I'm stuck up and that I think I'm too good for them. Even though they all know I am only looking to receive another chance with my wife... I feel like her asking me if I still love her was an attempt to try to let me back in her heart. Now I'm just assuming here so don't jump all over me but that's just the feeling I got. She also asks me all the time "are you seeing anyone?" "are you sleeping with anyone else?" I'm pretty sure its because she doesn't want to lose me either but can't really forgive me fully yet. What are your thoughts??

Well, I can say this she is checking on you of course. That's what Im saying about always asking questions. Like where are you, what time you coming home, who are you with, are you cheating on me again. So on... It will be like that for yrs if she takes you back in time.
Just take things slow, to me it seems like your also loving the challenge, and the chase. Becareful with that I know how you men work. ; )
Also stop analizeing everything.

HAHA I do love the challenge and the chase. But I do love her with all my heart and that's what has got me this far. If I didn't love her I would have given up right away.

If she has decided she's done with the marriage, you have to accept her word on this and move forward with the divorce. Do not make the mistake many divorcing parties do though and turn her into an enemy in the process. Focus on doing what is fair for both of you and do as much as you can to provide financial support to she and the child and to remain involved in the child's life.

You cannot work at a relationship with a person who does not want the relationship. I do get the impression that you are very sensitive to any criticism and also quick to deflect advice. For example, she may be interested in counseling but perhaps doesn't like how you have approached her about something else. Maybe she doesn't feel your apologies have been sincere - who knows. Relationships are complex. But if she truly doesn't want to go to counseling, wants a divorce, doesn't want to work on the relationship - well, you have your answer. Move forward with a divorce then and try to keep it friendly.

If she has decided she's done with the marriage, you have to accept her word on this and move forward with the divorce. Do not make the mistake many divorcing parties do though and turn her into an enemy in the process. Focus on doing what is fair for both of you and do as much as you can to provide financial support to she and the child and to remain involved in the child's life.

You cannot work at a relationship with a person who does not want the relationship. I do get the impression that you are very sensitive to any criticism and also quick to deflect advice. For example, she may be interested in counseling but perhaps doesn't like how you have approached her about something else. Maybe she doesn't feel your apologies have been sincere - who knows. Relationships are complex. But if she truly doesn't want to go to counseling, wants a divorce, doesn't want to work on the relationship - well, you have your answer. Move forward with a divorce then and try to keep it friendly.

She may not be interested in counseling but she has shown interest in keeping a good relationship with me. Lately I noticed a 180 degree turn when it comes to her attitude towards me. So I see a lot of work to be done but also I see like she's more willing to work on our marriage.

I need some input on this... My wife and I were going to meet up. She does't let me know she's outside and I spot the car... I walk over and realize she's so in to her text message that she doesn't notice I'm next to the car. I look at whose the person she's texting and it was the other guy she was seeing. I didn't bring it up or say anything and got in the car and acted normal. We then later got hot and heavy and with no condom or birth control she asked me to "finish" inside of her. I did as she asked and she was happy and full of smiles. But here's the thing when we first separated she had said to me that if I were to ever get her pregnant again she would come back to me and try to do everything possible to save our marriage. NOW is this what she's trying to do OR is she just playing with me??

If you continually need strangers online to interpret every move she makes, you are in serious trouble - or you are just enjoying this and bordering on being a troll.
I don't even believe that you could see who she was texting while sitting in her car, much less also not be noticed.

If you continually need strangers online to interpret every move she makes, you are in serious trouble - or you are just enjoying this and bordering on being a troll.
I don't even believe that you could see who she was texting while sitting in her car, much less also not be noticed.

I just need an outside unbiased party to help me interpret certain things that I would interpret wrongfully. Trust me when I tell you that this is true. She was so focused on that txt that I was able to sneak up on her like that. It also might have helped that it was at night and its not very well light in my workplaces parking lot. But I do need some advice on her decision to go COMPLETELY AGAINST WHAT SHE HAD SAID ORIGINALLY ABOUT NOT WANTING TO GET PREGNANT...

Hey don't throw her under the bus you are the one who wants to get back together. I don't even think you should have slept with her so soon. Plus it has been a while you should be fine with out us now.

My wife and I separated about 5-6 months ago. I have been fighting for her since day one of our separation. But I feel like everything I do usually ends up falling apart because of something stupid. She had asked me for an official divorce about 2 weeks ago. Then a few days later (2 days later) she asks if I still loved her and she said she would always be mine etc... We did really good for a week and had great communication but then I started to notice shady behavior.. I called her out on it and it has gotten to the point where she no longer communicates with me regularly nor seems as excited to speak to me.

I know she loves me and deep down she wishes it would somehow work out for us but I just don't know how to get us there...

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME SAVE MY MARRIAGE!!

What's with her "shady behavior" and wishy-washiness? It doesn't sound like she is committed to you.

We had established a really good connection. I could tell she was excited to see me she wanted to spend time with me all was well and all of a sudden it changed. I just don't know what the change was. The shady behavior is her always saying, "I can't talk right now". "I'm going out with my mom and sister". When her mom has two jobs and she loves staying at home. I feel like they are all excuses and she always has "something that comes up". For example she says "i don't have minutes" but calls me the next day ( we both have t-mobile so its free for us to call each other, I just called her out on it the other day). Or "I dont have any txt msgs left" but she has unlimited text messages. Then the next day she texts me. I don't know why she lies but then goes against what she has already said.

Since we are separated (not legally just living apart) she's dating this other guy (she won't admitt to it because she doesn't want our families to know what she's up to, but she has admitted to it before she just changes her story every so often). The thing with that is that even though she's dating this guy (he used to be a mutual friend) she is still sleeping with me. So technically she is cheating on him. Which was the reason why we separated. I know that they keep close contact but the other guy doesn't.

Its really complicated but it was working just fine. I don't know why she changed with me all of a sudden..

So she is sleeping with you and another guy, blatantly lies about all sorts of stuff, and you want to save this marriage?

So she is sleeping with you and another guy, blatantly lies about all sorts of stuff, and you want to save this marriage?

It sounds absolutely crazy but I love her to death!! I cheated on her also and She forgave me several times. I feel like she's trying to retaliate but she still loves me I know she does. Other wise she wouldn't have told me that she would always be mine.

What is she doing to "get you there"?

What do you want from her? Total commitment? An open marriage?

What is she doing to "get you there"?

Well she had never expressed herself like that since june/july when we started to have issues. She would rarely let me touch her and we would rarely ever keep a conversation. But when she said she would always be mine we started to head in the right direction. She did warn me though that I needed to keep my guard up in case we didn't work out.

What do you want from her? Total commitment? An open marriage?

What do you want from her? Total commitment? An open marriage?

I would love TOTAL commitment... I at first refused marriage counseling when she wanted to go. I would love it if we went but now she refuses to go. I just feel stuck. We start to do well then I feel that she wants to keep playing w two guys.

My suggestion is to file for divorce and do No Contact. Totally.

My suggestion is to file for divorce and do No Contact. Totally.

Wouldn't her pride just get in the way? What if she just says the hell with it and goes through with it? I don't want to regret anything later :(

You're not getting anywhere now. Okay, first ask her to reconsider getting couples counseling. If she says no, then tell her you are going to file for divorce.

You really do need to set boundaries. So far, she is walking all over you like a fuzzy doormat. Unless... you are okay with the current arrangement for her sleeping with whomever and doing a booty call with you when she feels like she wants to ring your bell. If that's the case, just keep on keeping on.

You're not getting anywhere now. Okay, first ask her to reconsider getting couples counseling. If she says no, then tell her you are going to file for divorce.

You really do need to set boundaries. So far, she is walking all over you like a fuzzy doormat. Unless....you are okay with the current arrangement for her sleeping with whomever and doing a booty call with you when she feels like she wants to ring your bell. If that's the case, just keep on keeping on.

Is there anything else I can do that doesn't have to file for divorce? Like maybe move away and limit certain things? I can't do no contact. We have a 2 yr old son

You need to set boundaries. No Contact except for discussion about the son. Anything else -- no. Getting a legal separation and moving away might help. Do you live together now?

You need to set boundaries. No Contact except for discussion about the son. Anything else -- no. Getting a legal separation and moving away might help. Do you live together now?

We currently live separately. She is going to move in with her friend and I just got kicked out of my parents place. So I was thinking of moving about 2 hours away.
Can you give me more examples on the boundries I should limit. I feel so confused I don't even know where to start sometimes were fine and others its just awkward. Im also going to mention that she had said that she wanted to be more sexually active with me but didn't want to get pregnant. And last week we were having unprotected sex and she asked me to finish inside of her. I didn't question her and did as she asked. At that moment I felt like she changed a little with me.

Please give some background -- how are are the two of you, how did you meet, how long married, etc.

Please give some background -- how are are the two of you, how did you meet, how long married, etc.

I think this will explain a lot... It's a previous post of mine

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/feel-like-soon-ex-wife-confused-715670.html

I think the two of you are playing games with each other.

I think the two of you are playing games with each other.

I think she's the one playing games. I'm serious when I say I'm willing to try whatever to fix this. She accused me of not being a forgiving person but all these games she's playing with me are proof that I can forgive. Even though I cheated first it doesn't give her the right to treat me this way.

So how do I take control of this situation that's getting out of hand?

So how do i take control of this situation thats getting out of hand?
I don't think you can. I get no sign that she is serious about committing to you. And if you get her pregnant, so what?

I don't think you can. I get no sign that she is serious about committing to you. And if you get her pregnant, so what?

Well when we initially separated she kept telling me to pull out because she didn't want to get pregnant(we have never liked using condoms but she isn't on birth control either, and abortion is against our religion). But she would also say that if she were to get pregnant she would try to fix things with me so that there wouldn't be 2 children being raised in a broken home. That's why I got my hopes up.
She asks me if I still love her then tells me that she will always be mine. 2 days later she asks me to not pull out. It just doesn't add up to me..
Is she having a hard time letting go but isn't sure if she wants to stay?

And what kind of sex is she having with the other guy(s)?

And what kind of sex is she having with the other guy(s)?

That I am not aware of but if I know my wife she would use a condom. To this day she claims to not have sex with anyone but me. In a way I kind of believe her she seems so sincere when she says it but I have serious doubts that that's the case.

And she may not be insisting on a condom or using any birth control with the other guy(s). You may end up with paternity problems if she has another baby, which leads to support and visitation, and if the second child belongs to another guy, you'll have all kinds of fun.

And she may not be insisting on a condom or using any birth control with the other guy(s). You may end up with paternity problems if she has another baby, which leads to support and visitation, and if the second child belongs to another guy, you'll have all kinds of fun.

That's the one thing I WILL NOT FORGIVE is If she has another mans child.
Now I purchased a ring for her that was going to signify our new beginning. At first she turned it down but then later she would go through my phone just to look at it and say its so pretty. She hasn't don't that lately but should I wait this out a little longer and try to present it to her or should I just try to get my money back?

She goes through your phone?

She goes through your phone?

Yeah she lost all trust in me when she found out about my infidelity. So I let her go through my phone/emails/wallet just to prove I'm not hiding anything from her and that I'm serious about my marriage.

NO! You do NOT allow her to go through your phone, etc. -- personal stuff -- or give her any passwords. If she has any, change them. Now! Boundary time.

And do not wimp out if she whines that you apparently don't love her.

And do not wimp out if she whines that you apparently don't love her.

What do I do if she accuses me of hiding something? How much of my personal life do I reveal? Should I try to be more mysterious?

You don't reveal anything. Let her accuse until the cows come home. Ignore her.

You don't reveal anything. Let her accuse until the cows come home. Ignore her.

Just so I know... whats that going to accomplish? Curiosity?

Who cares? We are working on you, not her. If she's curious, big deal. Let her be curious.

You need to have a spine.

Who cares? We are working on you, not her. If she's curious, big deal. Let her be curious.

OK what else do I have to work on?

Can you ignore her pleas and moans that you can trust her now, that you need to get back to your "old self"?

Can you ignore her pleas and moans that you can trust her now, that you need to get back to your "old self"?

Im going to have to. If this has any chance of being saved

Change passwords if she has any?

Change passwords if she has any?

I already did

So you are setting boundaries? And will stick to them? Even when she flutters her little eyelashes at you?

Oh, and stop having sex with her.

What's your favorite and mostly only word to say to her from now on?

Never discuss, apologize, or waffle.

So you are setting boundaries? And will stick to them? even when she flutters her little eyelashes at you?

Oh, and stop having sex with her.

I am going to set the boundries when were one on one because she needs to listen to me and I know its not going to be enough with a simple phone call or a text message. I have changed my passwords. And I am sick of her games so I won't give in to her anymore...
AND NO MORE SEX :'(


what's your favorite and mostly only word to say to her from now on?

Never discuss, apologize, or waffle.

No

This will be tough. You will want to cave. You will be charmed and thrilled and yelled at and spit upon. But you will never waver.

This will be tough. You will want to cave. You will be charmed and thrilled and yelled at and spit upon. But you will never waver.

The last 6 months have been tough but I feel that its given me the strength for this

I can trust you to do what you need to do? You will think of me when the going gets tough? You will think of my mad face staring at you if you waffle or let her cross your boundaries?

I can trust you to do what you need to do? You will think of me when the going gets tough? You will think of my mad face staring at you if you waffle or let her cross your boundaries?

Yes I can do this!

I will now send you on your way. If you mess up, I will instantly disappear in a puff of smoke and end up in a place to which I do not want to go. Save me from that fate. Be true to yourself and the boundaries you establish. Go now in peace. Report back as needed.

I will now send you on your way. If you mess up, I will instantly disappear in a puff of smoke and end up in a place to which I do not want to go. Save me from that fate. Be true to yourself and the boundaries you establish. Go now in peace. Report back as needed.

Lol OK thank you for pushing me in the right direction.

I will pray for your safe return.

I will pray for your safe return.

OK so Thursday morning was the last time I spoke with her. Today she texts me back saying "hey stranger." I don't reply until almost an hour later. She calls me and I tell her that I needed an important document that she has. She keeps insisting that she can't hand it over today. I get a little upset and give her attitude.. was I right to give her attitude? Why does she think that its OK to not speak to me and later on resume as if nothing ever happened? How do I change that?

ok so thursday morning was the last time i spoke with her. today she texts me back saying "hey stranger." I dont reply back until almost an hour later. She calls me and I tell her that i needed an important document that she has. she keeps insisting that she can't hand it over today. i get a little upset and give her attitude.. was i right to give her attitude? why does she think that its ok to not speak to me and later on resume as if nothing ever happened? how do i change that?
There is something called snail mail. She can use it to send this document to you.

I hope you said only what needed to be said and didn't veer off into relationship stuff. Tell her she can text you as needed and you can respond as you need to.

Don't let her play games. Don't feed her need to do this.

There is something called snail mail. She can use it to send this document to you.

I hope you said only what needed to be said and didn't veer off into relationship stuff. Tell her she can text you as needed and you can respond as you need to.


Don't let her play games. Don't feed her need to do this.


I did only say what was needed. It almost sounded like she wanted to see me. I felt a little bad but I didn't give in to her.

I did only say what was needed. It almost sounded like she wanted to see me. I felt a little bad but I didn't give in to her.
***hugs and kisses*** Good job! Keep resisting. Take back your power.

***hugs and kisses*** Good job! Keep resisting. Take back your power.

SO yesterday after I sent the last post one of her friends spotted me at the mall. I was with a male friend but her friend said she had spotted me alone. Since I had argued with her that morning I think it lifted her curiosity. She calls me late at night like about 2am. She asks how I've been and why I'm being so cold with her. I told her that I didn't like the way she was treating me. She apologized for not contacting me and she wanted me to know that she wasn't avoiding me. After that she started to ask questions about who I was at the mall with and why I was there. Keep in mind that this is the same mall where I have the ring I was paying for to give to her.
I just tell her that I was just browsing around. But she keeps insisting to know who I was there with all I told her was that I was there with a friend.

Now stop talking with her and answering her calls and texts.

How will that help anything?

Holy cow! This has gone on for 106 posts and you don't get it yet?

I don't mean to be rude but jeeze!

If you stop talking to her, stop answering her calls and stop responding to the texts you will stop perpetuating this vicious cycle.

Give it a break already and go complete NO CONTACT!

I changed my mind. This is so stupid, so adolescent. This sounds like a couple of junior high kids pretending they are in an adult relationship. You're both ridiculous, childish and stupid in this relationship. Seriously... "like, I was at a mall, and she texted, and I didn't because, snap, forget about her and then we talked and I don't have to answer for myself and she this and I that..." You do realize that grown people don't interact like this, right? You stop the gamesmanship, make arrangements for someone responsible (not sure if you know anyone like that from the way this is sounding) to watch your child, and you sit down and talk about what happened and where to go from here. You have two potential avenues - counseling (because neither of you are mature enough to resolve this without it and you both need to learn how to conduct yourselves as adults and parents). The ssecond avenue is divorce, in which case you still need counseling to learn how to live as adults and parents and work cooperatively together.

Making out with people at work, hanging out at the mall with no reason to be there, moving in and out of the house on a whim - it's all so assinine I can't imagine how to find a marriage among all this stupid childsplay.

Dude, do you know the definition of insanity? "Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." (Albert Einstein).

Are you insaine? Think about it.

I just noticed this thread rising again out of the ashes. I had high hopes for what Wondergirl was doing. But now I think this dude is a Troll with a capital T. He has a bet going with his buddies on how long he can string all of us (mostly women) along.

I just noticed this thread rising again out of the ashes. I had high hopes for what Wondergirl was doing. But now I think this dude is a Troll with a capital T. He has a bet going with his buddies on how long he can string all of us (mostly women) along.

I'm not a "Troll" I love this girl so much its almost impossible for me to complete the no contact. Im starting to think that I am insane. Im miserable without her and yet one text or phone call from her makes my heart skip a few beats. And yet she couldn't give two $h!t$ about me.

Joypulv: I think she was just playing with me to keep me around. Because I did nothing wrong and she just disappeared on me then tries to resume everything as if nothing had happened. It hurt me so deep down that I have been really rude to her and I don't answer her messages back.

We ARE 100% IMMATURE I accept that. I won't even argue that. I just wish that we could both just look at what a happy couple we were before all the problems started. But I know that that's not going to happen.

Next time I see her I'm going to let her know that I'm done playing her games and that I would appreciate it if she would only contact me when it has something to do with my son.

I haven't worked up the strength nor the courage to ask for the divorce but that's my next step :'(

You need professional help. More than this site can provide you.

You need professional help. More than this site can provide you.

I have considered it but its not in my budget. Talking about it here has really helped with my anxiety and I feel more in control of my emotions. Sometimes I wake up and still don't believe it like I'm in denial that it just never happened or something.

I am going to be brutally honest with you.

This is bordering on insanity. There are now 113 posts and you haven't listened to a word we said.

Many of us here now feel like you are wasting our time because you haven't followed a bit of our advice. We are getting tired of helping you because you just ignore what we say.

You continue to do the same thing ad nauseum and it's getting annoying.

You either take our advice, or you don't. It's up to you. If you choose to take our advice, GrEAT! If you choose not to take our advice, it's really not necessary to come back here and tell us how you have messed up yet again. So far, you don't have a good track record.

How old are the 2 of you? I know of many 16 year olds who are more mature and responsible than the two of you.

I have considered it but its not in my budget.
Oh, yes, it is!! Call your county's human resources department, Catholic Charities, or Lutheran Social Services to connect with a low-cost/sliding-scale counselor. Many private agencies will counsel on a sliding scale, and many ministers/priests also do private counseling for free (maybe will ask for a donation to their church, and you don't have to join it AND you won't get preached to). I know all this because I am a professional counselor AND a preacher's kid. And, since I am also a retired librarian, I know you can call/visit your library's reference department for contact names and phone numbers for any of the above.

So you have no excuse not to get help. Stop wimping out!

Hey, J_9, we have said everything that needs to be said. Time to close this thread?

Yes, time to close this thread. If the OP is not willing to help himself, there is nothing left for us to do.