Hi

I have had such turbulent times since I divorced 5 years ago. I recently met a guy who seemed to be just right for me. He is 7 years younger than myself, which neither of us saw as a problem and we have been dating now for about 4 months. He is youthful and energetic, and I am very physically attracted to him. We are still in the process of getting to know each other and last week he told me some things that have left me disappointed and I am now not sure he is the guy for me...

Over a normal conversation, he mentioned something about cocaine. When I probed further, it turns out that he sometimes deals in it and also uses it when he is out with friends. I asked him if he had ever used it when we were out and he said no, but on reflection I am not so sure. He must have felt the need to tell me. In one way I am glad he has been honest with me but I am really not (never have been) into the whole drugs scene. It contributes to crime and potentially ruins lives.

By my reaction (shock and disappointment) he knows that I am not supportive of this behaviour. I have thought about it non-stop since and cannot see things turning out well. I feel like I am at a crossroads and don't know which way to go. Do I ask him to stop, give him an ultimatum? I know a lot of people who are younger than me see no problem with drugs but I feel that I would be betraying myself and my morals if I carried on as if nothing was wrong.

Any advice on the best way to handle this? Bearing in mind, it's only 4 months down the line with the relationship, which road to I take?

Many thanks.

'Do I ask him to stop, give him an ultimatum?'
Neither. The first is fruitless (odds are he won't or will say he will and then not) and the second is no way to talk in a relationship that isn't even very far along, no marriage, no children.
You tell him that you don't like it and are breaking up, and you do that when you mean it and will follow through, despite entreaties and promises.

Yes, joypulv, that thought was running through my mind; that it is far too early on in the relationship to be issuing ultimatums. I haven't mentioned anything to him since and he hasn't brought the subject up again either. I am sat here alone with my thoughts, which is why I needed some input.

I haven't even spoken to any friends about it as they would likely be horrified ! The whole situation is just so far removed from my views on normal life and it feels surreal that I am having to even think about the problem to be honest.

Another fear, even though it's not yet reached this stage, is that I have impressionable teenage kids and would not want to introduce them to anyone who was meddling in drugs.

Thanks for the response.

If I were in this situation, I would break it off. You've only spent 4 months with him so it hasn't been too much time invested. If it were just a case of him doing drugs occasionally, I might look at it differently. The fact that he sells them is where it would be a real issue. It's a matter of time until he is caught then the question becomes, will you get dragged into it somehow at that point as well? The next thing I would worry about is that he may introduce your kids to it or their friends. Finally, I would simply have an overall issue with the fact that he is a dealer.

So it's up to you but it seems pretty clear that you are not happy with this and you already really know what you should do... I think you just wanted to hear people confirm what you already think. Good luck.

You have children - so the break up should be NOW in my view, regardless of the subject not coming up recently.
It isn't just how impressionable they are. You run the risk of being an accessory if you are present if he is arrested, especially for DEALING.
You don't even know how much dealing he is doing, right? If this is his entire income? Have you ever been to his place of work? How much DO you know about him? For all you know you are under surveillance.

Don't waste a lot of thought and second guessing about it. Run like the wind.

Leave the relationship. That's all you need to do.

Thank you. Yes, I guess I just wanted to hear people say what I was thinking. I wasn't sure if I was over reacting but I am definitely over thinking it all.

I have no idea how much dealing he is doing. I do know he works during the day for sure but that's besides the point now. If I carry on, I get in deeper with him and his ways and will always probably be unsure to what extent he is involving himself. I have met some of his friends and looking back, I think they are all probably into taking and dealing too.

Many thanks.