Hi

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 4 years and yesterday she said she wanted a 'break' from me so that we can miss each other and get back together stronger. I live away as well so this is probably the reason she wants apart, although I feel apart from her enough so I don’t see how this can help, I am moving back to her area in August.

She says she wants to be with me but needs space; I love her so much and feel terrible. Is this a lost cause and how should I act? I don’t want to invade her space by contacting her too much as this I fear will drive her away but I am having to stop every bone in my body to not call her. Of course I don’t want to agree to it but feel I may have to for us to survive any longer. She says she wants a break for a couple of months and then MAYBE get back together but could this be because she wants out but is not sure so she is leaving the door open for herself?

I don’t want it to drag on and get my hopes up and then her not want to be with me so should I leave it to stop months more of heartbreak. Its so hard because I am away so I feel really helpless. Also she says its not a full on break up just a break-i find this really patronising as they seem like the same thing?

What sort of things should I do to get her back and how I should treat her without driving her away as all I want is for us to be back together. Do people believe this is a lost cause and should I move on?

Any advice gratefully received

Well it is tough because you are moving to her area in August. But she has been with you for four years and during that period she knows nothing else. Long distance takes a toll and rarely works out. I say give her what she wants. Give her space and just have fun with you. Maybe date others or at least see what else is out there. Don't fall into some sort of complacency just because it is safe. You need to make sure this girl is the one and don't set August as the timetable to figure that out. You need to be real sure. She loves you and you love her and maybe you will miss each other and come August you will want her or maybe you will realize you have grown apart and just aren't made to spend the rest of your lives together. Either way it seems a space needs to happen, especially since she brought it up.

But you need to probably go no contact because I could see her asking for space so she can date others and see what else is out there but call you a lot and check up on you. You need true space. She wants to keep you around. She knows you are coming back in August and that puts some sort of finality on your relationship to speak. Maybe that is scaring her, so give her space so she can see if you are what she wants and the same for you. But you can't beg and plead it will make it worse. Live your life and see where things go but DO NOT just call her all the time and hold out such hope right now where you can't live your life. You know where you stand with her in terms of your feelings but she is hesitant right now so go out there and test your feelings and see if what you have is worth keeping.

Give her the break she says she wants. No contact, at all, nada. No phone, no e-mail, no IM or texting, nothing. Let her think you've disappeared from the face of the earth. She'll then either miss you, realize what she's lost and come back or she'll decide she wants it to be over for good, in which case it's her loss. Meanwhile, you live your life and do the things you enjoy and get out and meet and date other people and get involved in the activities that interest you. Lose yourself in your newly-created freedom, then you won't have any time to pine over and miss her.

Mate girls always come running back let her go she will come back

Be careful. That might happen but don't make any promises you can't keep. He can certainly up the odds in his favor by letting go, as ironic as that may sound, but nothing's a sure thing.

First of all how can she want space when you are already living apart. It is time to move on. This is my advice. I think a break is a break and that you need to go to the no contact rule and live by it. Do not beg, do not try, do not look desperate.

Good luck.

Joe

Hi

i have been going out with my girlfriend for 4 years and yesterday she said she wanted a 'break' from me so that we can miss each other and get back together stronger. I live away as well so this is probably the reason she wants apart, although i feel apart from her enough so I don’t see how this can help, i am moving back to her area in august.

She says she wants to be with me but needs space; I love her so much and feel terrible. Is this a lost cause and how should I act? i don’t want to invade her space by contacting her too much as this i fear will drive her away but i am having to stop every bone in my body to not call her. Of course i don’t want to agree to it but feel I may have to for us to survive any longer. She says she wants a break for a couple of months and then MAYBE get back together but could this be because she wants out but is not sure so she is leaving the door open for herself??

i don’t want it to drag on and get my hopes up and then her not want to be with me so should i leave it to stop months more of heartbreak. Its so hard because i am away so i feel really helpless. Also she says its not a full on break up just a break-i find this really patronising as they seem like the same thing??

What sort of things should i do to get her back and how I should treat her without driving her away as all i want is for us to be back together. Do people believe this is a lost cause and should i move on??

Any advice gratefully received
You should just move on. My now ex boyfriend told me a similar story and turns out instead of sticking to what he told me he went out partying more and going out with women. It's her nice way of saying she thinks she might be ready to move on. So in return, you should move on with your life even though it's difficult. Focus on you, and if its meant to be she will come back and after the space and you both will be in a better place.

I think that Nohitter410's advice is right on the mark. I just wanted to add a couple of things. If you are already living a distance away then she shouldn't need a break for any reason. Also, her reasoning... what the heck is that all about?? So you can miss each other and get back together stronger?? If she genuinely needs space "so that you can miss each other to make the relationship stronger" then I think you need to run as fast as you can! This is a woman who will want to have multiple break-ups... and probably affairs.

Didi

Lots of buts haha

Sorry to hear about your situation. I know it only too well. I was in a similar one a year ago myself. Although we weren't already living apart my girlfriend of 7 years asked for space. I didn't give it to her and it drove her away further.

But I have to say that even if I did give it to her then we still wouldn't be back together. She wanted out and that's what she got.

I don't want to destroy your heart but I have to say that I think it is already over. How can she want space if you 2 are already apart? It doesn't make sense. She wants out and this is her way of getting it. It sint fair on you because it gives you false hope but I think you'll find she has probably been thinking about this for a while and been trying to summons the courage to break it off with you. Asking for a break and stating that there is a chance for you two to be together in the future is an easy way out for her. She hasn't actually dumped you but she isn't exactly still with you. She hopes that you will just give her space and eventually when things cool down it will be easier for her to tell you that it is over because she is enjoying her new found space too much.

As I said I'm sorry to disappoint you but I don't want to give you false hope, and I fear that that is all she is giving you.

I think it is time that you come to terms with the fact that she is at least for the moment gone and out of your life and most probably will be forvever. Horrible thought I know but sadly that is the reality of the situation. We all have been through it here and we all know the pain.

If I were you id give her the space she is asking for and concentrate on you. You are not in the same area as her so that may be a little easier. Try and concentrate on anything other than her. Impossible I know but you have to try. Under no circumstances would I be calling her to talk. Im sure you have done lots of that and you'll see that it gets you nowhere right now.

Be kind to yourself and look after No. 1. Have to go now but others here will advise you on good ways to keep your mind off her if you ask them to.

Also read the loads of other threads here with people of similar stories. Mine for one is fairly similar.

Thanks everyone for yout thoughts and some of it is paticuarly hard to swallow at the moment because I don't want it to end. I appreciate everyone taking the time to write back.

To give you a bit more info I lived at back in her area in until last year but I have taken a one year job away. Its been hard because I suspose LDR's are. We are such a big part of each others lives and I really truly believe if we can survive this we can survive anything.

This is how I have played it: she asked for a break and first of all I said we should either work it out if we have anything worth saving or just split up for good. She seemed dead against this idea and just said she needs a small amount of time to herself so this makes me think she is not sure and she wants me at her beck and call if she changes her mind. Realistically if she wants a break I have to let her so I have now said fine to do this. I haven't been contacted her for 2 days and don't plan too - (if I check my phone one more time! ) my only thought is surely we need to communicate to get through this and that's why no contact doesn't feel natureal.

I agree that I don't understand why if we are apart anyway why we need a break - I think we should try and sort out our differences for the better but I have to respect her wishes.

I know everyone here agrees its best to move on but its so hard, really I just want to put myself in the best situation to win her back, and I have decided I will:

Not contact her, let her contact me
Not be at her beck and call if she wants to do anything
try and make her think i am strong about the situation
Not plead with her or anything and try and avoid talikng about the relationship


Be grateful on peopels thoughts if this is the best way forward


inthecrowd

Good man! If you ever want to contact her, come here instead! I still think about my ex all the time, it hurts allot! I heard through the grape vine that my ex has been about already... 6 weeks now.

But keep yourself busy, I am never sat on my bottom apart from when at work or watching film/lost/prison break. Always with mates, gym out, music and about or something. Makes things so much better if you keep yourself busy.

Time heals, one day you will look back with fond memories, but you will be with the girl of your dreams and you will be happy that you loved and lost so to have found the one true person you are with then.

Give her what she wants, and concentrate on a life you enjoy without her. Truthfully, do not even call and be unavailable when she calls until you are healthy enough to deal with her. After 4 years the two of you have not communicated enough to make a plan to work for your mutual benefit. I would think that its time to take care of you, no matter what she feels or needs. Sorry and I wish you luck.

I understand what you are saying about it not making sense to have no contact with her. I understand your thinking when you say that you feel that it would be best to talk about it and work through it rather than just go your separate ways. I understand because it is exactly how I felt. It doesn't make sense but none of it will.

Trust me here when I say that it is beyond talking about it and working through it now. Nothing you can say or do will change her mind. Nothing. I tried everything and I can promise you it only pushes them further away and makes you feel a hell of a lot worse.

The best thing now is to just follow Tal's advice above and give her what she wants. And although you don't realise it right now a little space and time for yourself is what you need as well. She has dropped a bomb shell on you and you need some time alone to assess it all and not say and do things in the emotion of it all.

I wish I had come here straight after my ex dropped it on me and I listened to all this advice. I wouldn't have made the mistakes I did and continued to contact her, continued to try and talk it through and work it out. It only pushed her away further.

It is going to be near impossible for you to believe this but you are going to just have to trust us here. And as I said before go and read the other threads here where people have gone through what you are now and how they have found that by implementing no contact for a while and looking after themselves that things have worked out much better than by them begging, pleading crying etc.

You need to take some time to yourself now to let yourself heal and grieve. Not as a way of getting her back. That doesn't work!

Good luck!

I really want you to read through all the advice given to you since you posted your question (as well as the comments). Right now you don't need to concentrate on 'winning her back'. You need to concentrate on making your own life as good as you possibly can without her.

Right now you are dealing with grief, because this is a loss. You wonder why you are feeling so sad? Each loss you suffer makes all of your past losses surface. That could be lost relationships; death of family, friends or pets; a best friend moving in school... any loss which caused you pain. Your emotions are carrying all of those losses, so keep that in mind while you are attempting to understand it, then make a decision to work on healing yourself.

The more you put into YOU the better this will all turn out. I guarantee it. :)

Didi

I'll throw my chit in with Skell's... I know I believed I knew what was best, back when it was happening to me... I kept reaching out, telling her I loved her. Basically it felt like I got crapped on in return. I know that isn't what she meant or how things were intended, but nonetheless, that was EXACTLY how it felt... Save yourself from that! You're no good to her now... You're only good for yourself (and don't forget your friends - they'll help). Stay focused and remember that you can make things better FOR YOU... But only with time and effort.

Don't call her, don't do anything that amounts to contact. It'll be tough but treat it like a workout or something - build yourself up for being able to do it. I know you can. It's only a matter of saying no.

Thanks again for replies, its good to hear peoples opinions - still feel bad and really confused. Last night she text saying how much she loves me and in a few months she wants me back and said well be back to normal which makes me even more confused and angry at her. She called as well and I had to pick up - she sounded sad but I tried to act happy and normal which I think I succeeded in doing and I can now even see this is such a better tactic than pleading and whining as I can see if I do that shell just resent me - I know I shouldn't have picked up but I couldn't help it.

I am going away to the coast for a few days this weekend and I think I am going to leave my phone at home to stop temptation.

Thanks again

inthecrowd

Great idea. Go away to the coast and LEAVE THE PHONE AT HOME! It is the smartest thing you'll do this week!!

Since last week things have gone bad to worse and I feel so confused. I implemented the NC rule and was feeling pretty good, but the suddenly yesteray she text saying first why am I ignoring her(she wanted a break) then an hour later she said that's it she wanted it to be over and didn't want to drag it on anymore.

She then said she had been unhappy for over a year(I know this is a lie) and justs want to end it. This is a really confusing time but she is acting so out of character. Could it be she is frustrated because I haven't been contcting her.

The weird thing is she is aying she wants to see me Friday but I keep saying if she wants to end it what have we got to talk about. Is she playing games?

Since last week things have gone bad to worse and i feel so confused. I implemented the NC rule and was feeling pretty good, but the suddenly yesteray she text saying first why am i ignoring her(she wanted a break) then an hour later she said thats it she wanted it to be over and didn't want to drag it on anymore.

She then said she had been unhappy for over a year(i know this is a lie) and justs want to end it. This is a really confusing time but she is acting so out of charecter. Could it be she is frustrated because i haven't been contacting her.

the wierd thing is she is aying she wants to see me friday but i keep saying if she wants to end it what have we got to talk about. is she playing games?

Absolutely perfect way of you dealing with this and my hat goes off to you. She is unhappy that you are not pining after her and she makes no sense to me. She asks you for space, says she does not want to be with you and yet when you give her that space, she is unhappy that you are not contacting her. The last line that you wrote is the perfect answer, there is nothing for you to talk about with her is she wants to end it and NC is the best way for you to heal and move on. I agreed 100% with Skell's post above (Sorry Skell, could not rate you had to spread the rep) and I too messed things up in the first month after my breakup with my ex of 3 years. By calling her and trying to work things out, I pushed her further away and regretted it but got myself back on track soon after although I was confused for a few months.

Actually your ex sounds confused!

Oh sorry about that...
You did all you could, she was confused and wanted a "break" and now it seems she wants to end things in person..

You need to know that even if you begged or called her it would not make any difference here. It would have made her run faster... once a person wans a "break" or "time" they usually mean it is over.

We can all give evidence to that and no matter what you do (by giving them space or by calling etc)you cannot convince anyone.

I bet if you meet her in person she will even confuse you more by saying she is not sure etc etc, so I say do not meet her, you have your closure already.

Is she <25 by the way?

Rol is right, when they say "break" or "time" it is usually signaling the end of the relationship. I had to practically beg my ex to tell me to my face and by meeting her face to face, it confused me more, she said "I just think we should leave it for a while" thereby giving me a false indication that she wanted time to think and maybe we would get back together. What she really wanted was to end it completely but probably had difficulty knowing how to finish it without hurting me too much which unfortunately she did anyway.

Sorry, I know you must hurt but meeting her will serve no real purpose.. Time to pull away.

She made her bed and now she better lie in it.

Could it be that she was looking for reassurance? The lack of contact could make her think that you do not care...

could it be that she was looking for reassurance? the lack of contact could make her think that you do not care...

But then, she asked for that space, that is what he gave her, if he chased her, I bet £1 million she would run far away.

Possibly. Maybe he gave her TOO much though? I just think not everything is black and white and whilst he did what she asked maybe it was too much and made her think he wasn't bothered

She probably wants to go off and have fun being single and if she is <25 and has been with him for 4 years, she probably misses the single life.

Sad to say but a lot of this happens.. People are usually not ready for serious relationships when they are less than 25 because they are still exploring who they are and what they want.

By the way, I am just assuming she is <25 so if this is not the case I do apologise.

possibly. maybe he gave her TOO much though? I just think not everything is black and white and whilst he did what she asked maybe it was too much and made her think he wasnt bothered

Yeah, maybe I was being biased to what happened to me because I chased her (my ex- well a few phone calls if you call that chasing LOL) and tried to work it out much in the same way as Skell did and it just backfired. Yet if I had given her all the space which after a month in the end I did, there would have been no difference, I am sure. I suppose everyone's situation is different but when someone asks for time or space, I think it is important to respect that.

You may have a point about him giving her TOO much space but it is a difficult call really.

She created this situation so is it really his responsibility to resolve it?

<<But then, she asked for that space, that is what he gave her, if he chased her, I bet &#163;1 million she would run far away.
>>

Exactly Geoff! Lisalou it would not have made any difference, she would have ran faster or left him more confused!
He did the best thing possible and that did not work.
She's a confused girl so better to leave her in her confusion and get on with your life.

<<Yet if I had given her all the space which after a month in the end I did, nothing would have changed, I am sure. I suppose everyone's situation is different but when someone asks for time or space, I think it is important to respect that>>

Exactly I did the respectful thing , no begging , crying , nothing(mine was with a male) and it still ended and then I also began wondering if I had begged would things have been different. The answer is NO , nothing will work.

Yeah she is under 25- she has text me to sya there is no way back- I am so hurt by how she has done this all through texts - disgusting really. I need to heal but at the moment I don't think I can. Your right meeting her will only open me up even more.

She says she wants to be alone and away from me and I can see that's the only way to deal with it.

:(

Inthecrowd

The problem with crying is that it can make you look needy. When I saw my ex face to face and she told me, I tried my best not to as I knew what it would look like but I also knew what was happening and I was just a human being that was in emotional shock. Personally I think she (my ex) knew at that point what she was doing, she was not leaving someone who did not care, she was really breaking someone's heart. I knew this because she was trying not to cry but was a little better at it than me. I suppose the point of what I am saying is that crying has no effect on the outcome but if you do it with no ulterior motives in mind like me, it makes you no less of a man, it just proves that you cared and nobody can criticize you for that.

Actually, you have not mentioned you have cried anywhere in this thread, I am just making a general statement about the idea of it.

Yeah she is under 25- she has text me to sya there is no way back- i am so hurt by how she has done this all through texts - disgusting really. i need to heal but at the moment i dont think i can. your right meeting her will only open me up even more.

She says she wants to be alone and away from me and i can see thats the only way to deal with it.

:(

Inthecrowd


My ex did it the coward way too, by phone but I practically had to beg her to see her face to face and in the end, she agreed.

I just think it is the mature and decent thing to do.

Text is even worse!!

You will heal.. it will take time but there are plenty of us here to show that it is possible and who have undergone the same heartache last year...
We are also stronger than ever before..

She most probably wants to explore the single life and feels she is missing out on something...

And a lot of the time the Geoff the reason they find it easier not to cry is because they have more than likely been thinking about it for a while and already done their crying? They have already made the emotional detachment. I think that hurts the person being dumped even more. I was sitting there balling like a baby (I shudder to think back now) and although she was emotional and did cry, she just seemed so unemotional as well. She was just like a rock. Showing nothing most of the time. That hurts.

And I agree with you and Rol. Whether one pulls away and doesn't cry beg or plead or whether they plead their case for weeks will make no difference in the end if the other person wants out and has made their mind up. I used to regret the way I carried on. Crying and pleading. But I have now come to the realisation that there was nothing I could do. If I shrugged my shoulders and pretended not to care that would not have worked either. So in a way I'm glad I tried my hardest and showed my emotions. At least I had them and I knew my feelings were true.