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View Full Version : I lost my girlfriend because of my possessiveness


dev16988
Oct 24, 2012, 11:17 AM
I dono how to get rid that possessive feelings. When I was in relationship with her.
Yes it was almost 5 years back we broke up because of my possessiveness. I didn't allow her speak with her male friends, even when she enjoys more with her girl friends in absence of me, when she talks about some other male , I was feeling very nervous more like blood pressure.

But, Still I am missing her a lot even thinking of her everyday. That's why I am writing here after 5 years about that. Really I dono at that time how to overcome that problem. I admit my fault.

She has to be good now.

If any one know how to overcome possessive feeling. Please share something to heart.

dontknownuthin
Oct 24, 2012, 12:16 PM
It's great that you take responsibility and recognize that your possessiveness ruined your relationship.

You can address this now, which is great. I can make a few suggestions which I hope will help.

First, know that you can't control other people - ever. You cannot control a spouse to always do what you want, or your kids, or your parents, or employees - nobody in the world will always do what you want them to do and always not do what you don't want them to do.

Second, recognize that other people do not have to do what you want, and the fact that they sometimes do something else does not mean anything bad about how they feel about you. They are just trying to live their own lives. Nobody should control you, and you shouldn't control others.

Third, you are right to have reasonable expectations in your relationships. If you are in a committed relationship, it's reasonable for your girlfriend not to date other guys. Otherwise, her life is her own and the purpose of dating isn't to change how she lives to suit you, but rather to find out if the way she lives fits in with the way you live. If she's a flirtacious person and you don't like it, or she lies and you don't like it, or she spends too much money or whatever, your job is to recognize that she's the wrong girl for you, and respectfully and kindly get out of the relationship. To do this, you have to think enough of yourself to believe that a better suited girl will come along one day for you.

Fourth, you have to pay attention in your relationships and heed red flag behaviors. If your girlfriend makes out with your buddy, don't have a big discussion and drama over it and break up and make up and then try to build trust over and all that nonsense - just end the relationship cleanly and move on. When someone abuses your trust, they loose your trust. You don't have to hold a grudge against them forever or hate them (both pretty immature) but you can recognize that if the relationship was what she wanted, she would not have done that. Or if she was adequately mature, she would not have done that. Whatever the reason, you cannot have that in your primary relationships, so have to end the dating situation with her and move on.

Fifth, if you are a controlling person you need to learn that there are things in life you can and should control and things you can't and shouldn't. Counseling can help with this. For example, you can control your successes and build a solid and well-rouded, interesting, fun life for yourself with a lot of support - close family relationships, close friendships, etc. You can work on your confidence so that you have enough faith in yourself to know that if someone else lets you down, you can still make it on your own and move forward and find something better. You can work on your appearance so that you feel as attractive and appealing as the person you are dating. You can choose who to date as well - if you don't like women who flirt a lot, pick a girl who doesn't. But you can't choose a girl who dresses sexy because you like it, then get mad at her for dressing sexy because other men like it too - that's irrational and unreasonable.

I think counseling would be great for you - we all have things to work through, and the people who get on it and deal with their issues early in life are well rewarded.

joypulv
Oct 25, 2012, 04:03 PM
Jealousy, possessiveness, and suspicion go hand in hand.
I think we all feel them. I think it's part of our social protection. When we were tribes a few thousand years ago, we protected the group. Now we want to protect the people we call our family. But suddenly we are in a modern world where we are free to come and go, connect and break up, see who we want (in most societies, not all). We MUST curb those tendencies or we lose what we have so tenuously. People fail when they try to use control instead of sweetness, tenderness, humor, attentiveness, helpfulness, and all that good stuff.
Possessiveness is a form of control. If you can't force yourself to see that it doesn't work, then you are doomed to a single life. Think of it like studying for an exam. Every time you feel it, sit down and isolate it and tell yourself how you have to replace it with another emotion, another thought, another activity. It's a discipline, like running 10 miles a day. Just do it!