Ok so long story short, over the past 12months I have developed an intensely close relationship with a girl who works with me. It’s always been secretive and although we tried to stay away from developing any feelings, we both did.

We never slept together until 2 months ago and since then we have been inseparable, from morning until night texting and phoning, she told me she has really strong feelings but can’t tell me how strong in case it "leads to something" I told her I felt the same. She tells me she misses me when we haven’t seen each other for a while, she refers to me as "my baby" she gets jealous and mad at me when she thinks someone is flirting with me or paying me too much attention.

And so I told her I wanted us to see more of each other. She told me she can’t cope with the idea of commitment or a relationship because she feels damaged and always refers to herself as being "fckd up" but hates that she has these feelings for me because she feels confused. I suggested we just see more of each other and not have a relationship status. Still she couldn’t cope with the idea of that.

I am absolutely at my wits end with this because I am madly in love with her, and I think she is in love with me. Am I supposed to wait for her or should I walk away and remove all forms of contact when I know it will break both of our hearts?

You can't fix damage. As much as you want her to be as comfortable with this as you are you can't MAKE her feel it. No matter how you reduce the relationship.

I think this is a case where she's so unsure of herself and how she thinks and feel that she needs time to sort it out. Maybe having this blow up in her face would be good to jolt her out of this indecision. It seems that she's afraid to go beyond the friends with benefits zone.

You've got a lot more invested in this than she does to be honest. You've jumped in full force and she's a little tentative. I think you really need end this and walk away. It is going to continue to be toxic for you and her. Sorry.

'am I supposed to wait for her or should I walk away and remove all forms of contact when I know it will break both of our hearts?'

There is no supposed to. You do what you have to do based on what is in front of you. If you choose long suffering pain, you endure it. If you choose intense but shorter term pain, you break all contact.

OK but here's the thing its not like its all me wanting this and me wanting that... I have tried to back off in the past to stop me from getting in to deep but she won't let me go and will tell me everything I want to hear until things are OK with us again. This week though I decided enough is enough and told her last night that I was upset and hurt and didn't want to talk about it anymore. She apologised for being the way she is and said goodnight. Today she text me.. " good afternoon Gorgeous" I ignored it..

An hour later I got a phone call off her, I was going to ignore it but then thought id say what I wanted to say and leave it at that so I answered and this is how it went.

Her: are you ignoring me
Me yeah
Her: I thought so.. don't ignore me.. please don't be grumpy with me
Me: what am I supposed to say.. I don't know what else I can say to you
Her: have a conversation with me
Me: I can't keep talking to you and not resolving any issues
Her: there are no issues.. I thought I was going to stop being jealous of other people and being an and we will continue as normal
Me: I don't want to continue as normal you know this!
Her: what do you want then?
Me: I told you I think we should be seeing more of each other, I'm not asking for anything else of you because I know your not ready for that.. but I can't keep going weeks and weeks without seeing you but speaking to you all day everyday, its like a long distance relationship
Her: I know its crap isn't it
Me: yeah.. so?.
Her: I agree... I completely agree...
Me: so is that going to be how it is?
Her: how what is? Us seeing more of each other?
Me: yeah
Her: hopefully yeah..
Me: *silence* long pause
Her: Yes
Me: well then I have no issues
Her: good, that wasn't hard was it..

So now I guess its just see what happens.. do you think?

She has been txting and calling me all day since

Why are you giving us text by text? Who cares what she has to say to entice you? You are the one we are talking about here, not her. 'She won't let me go' is just another way you play the helpless victim. She doesn't have you chained in the attic with a gun to your head. You either play her game, or you break off all contact. YOUR choice.

Oh sorry I thought this site was for advice not for someone to judge and criticise, take your anger issues out on someone else, your comments aren't helpful at all

It is, but given summary, to be honest, a word for word text is not going to be read by any expert.

It appears she does not want to have a actual real relationship. So do you date, go out as a couple anywhere. Are you public about your relationship at work.

Beyond stupid texts ( phones are for calling people and talking) when do you see each other,

Is this romance still hidden and secret ?

But if she just wants to keep you from having a relationship, but is not ready to commit, you need to break it off and tell her that you want more for this.

Why does she call and text you all day everyday, but not see you for weeks? That makes me think she is spending her time elsewhere. Maybe with someone else? If someone really likes you they won't just say it over and over through calls and texts, they have to see you!

She seems to get jealous too easily for no reason, which could mean she actually doesn't trust herself and is projecting it onto you. It doesn't make sense that she acts this way because she is "confused". If she was confused she wouldn't be professing her love over the phone. A confused person would back off in every aspect (phone and texting included). You aren't even trying to call it a "relationship", like you said you just want to actually spend time together! To me she seems untrustworthy, not confused.

Thanks guys both replies are helpful.. well I failed to mention that she lives approx 40 minutes away and has to do a lot of miles to get to our place of work and back home, every time I speak to her she is always rushing off helping her family with something or visiting friends that live in her area,when we do see each other its usually on her way back from work on the night before and she'll stay over.. but I agree if she liked me enough she would want to see me, and last night I was out with friends and she rang me to say goodnight etc and I said this to her.. she responded that she does want to see me its just a problem with her being so busy.. I know she is very busy with work because we do 24 hour shifts but I also think more effort could be made.

And yes fr chuck this is all still under wraps, she is openly gay I'm not but I want to be open about us, its her that doesn't want a relationship status or for work to know.. because she has been in this situation before and it didn't go so well.

I have no interest in being mean. I am interested in trying to get someone to see when they aren't defining the problem. When people go online and say 'I said this and then she said that' without a sense of the basic issues, I do my best to change their mindset.

Your issue as I see it is that you have broken contact with her and she manages to get you to break your resolve. So (as in all relationship questions) this is indeed about you, not her. It's about what is it in you that gives in so easily?

I have no interest in being mean. I am interested in trying to get someone to see when they aren't defining the problem. When people go online and say 'I said this and then she said that' without a sense of the basic issues, I do my best to change their mindset.

Your issue as I see it is that you have broken contact with her and she manages to get you to break your resolve. So (as in all relationship questions) this is indeed about you, not her. It's about what is it in you that gives in so easily?

Thank you that's much more helpful.. I guess your right it is about me and how I deal with the situation I'm in.. I think subconsciously I just want someone to tell me, it will work out with her and not to give up on her.. obviously I'm finding it hard because I love her..

There's no easy answer when you are conflicted and the conflict spins round and round your brain 100 times a day... we all go through this sometime or another. Eventually we can only take so much, and we make a decision to stay or leave. Until then, we suffer! Identifying the nature of the conflict does help though, and you might be able to even work out some sort of concrete compromise with her, X days a week for X hours or something, IF she wants to keep you. And IF you can make it clear that if not, it's really too painful and it's over.

There's no easy answer when you are conflicted and the conflict spins round and round your brain 100 times a day... we all go through this sometime or another. Eventually we can only take so much, and we make a decision to stay or leave. Until then, we suffer! Identifying the nature of the conflict does help though, and you might be able to even work out some sort of concrete compromise with her, X days a week for X hours or something, IF she wants to keep you. And IF you can make it clear that if not, it's really too painful and it's over.

Thanks that makes sense.. unfortunately we are no longer talking.. she sent me a crappy text this morning about a friend posting on my fb saying "he obviously likes you, you should get together" I told her I'm not into him or any guys, she told me to shut up and go away and I've text her since explaining that she is the only one I have feelings for but I can't cope with this anymore and will leave her alone.. we haven't spoke all day and she didn't reply :( I'm gutted

Thanks that makes sense.. unfortunately we are no longer talking.. she sent me a crappy txt this morning about a friend posting on my fb saying "he obviously likes you, you should get together" I told her I'm not into him or any guys, she told me to shut up n go away n iv txt her since explaining that she is the only one I have feelings for but I can't cope with this anymore n will leave her alone.. we haven't spoke all day n she didn't reply :( I'm gutted

Deb, I know it isn't easy to hear and harder still to handle, but I think this is a relationship that isn't meant to be.

Joy has given you excellent advice and I think you may be starting to understand it isn't meant to be hurting or judgmental. She has pretty much told you what I would have had I read your thread first.

The only thing I can add is an impression that she was more curious and 'caught up' in experimenting than she was in being a relationship. You seem to be more emotionally invested than she has been. For her the clandestine and 'forbidden' aspect may have been what she was attracted to. She seems to be more interested in games.

I think if you give yourself some time and distance from interacting with her on a personal level (Be polite in the work place, if you still work together, but do not encourage anything beyond work related discussions) you will start to see the manipulations for what they are.

Healing will take time. Give yourself support by staying active mentally and physically doing things you enjoy. Distracting yourself and changing thought patterns/habits can help you let go and heal.

Take care of yourself. Good luck.

"She seems to be more interested in games."

Cat, I agree. It sounds like she likes the tug of war, the drama and pain. Ugh

After not speaking to her all day yesterday she text me last night saying she wished she was snuggling up with me.. She is so confusing.. she sent me a long winded text today explaining that it would have been her 4 yr anniversary with her ex and although she hasn't got feelings for her anymore she had been receiving phone calls from her and it messed her up a bit,and that she really wants to get closer to me but has insecurities and keeps pushing me away to stop herself getting hurt and that she's sorry

After not speaking to her all day yesterday she txt me last night saying she wished she was snuggling up with me.. She is so confusing.. she sent me a long winded txt today explaining that it wud have been her 4 yr anniversary with her ex n although she hasn't got feelings for her anymore she had been receiving phone calls from her n it messed her up a bit,and that she really wants to get closer to me but has insecurities and keeps pushing me away to stop herself getting hurt and that she's sorry

She hasn't taken care of the baggage from her past relationship and is making you bear the burden. She needs to be on her own to finally allow herself to heal and let go of the past. You need to encourage her to take care of her own mess by not enabling her to use you as a baggage handler.

Do not respond to personal contact from her. Block her number. Delete any texts or messages of a personal nature. Take care of your own baggage that is starting to pile up due to the confusion you both have been cultivating.

Take care of yourself. Give yourself support. Stop allowing her confusion and baggage to become your own.

She hasn't taken care of the baggage from her past relationship and is making you bear the burden. She needs to be on her own to finally allow herself to heal and let go of the past. You need to encourage her to take care of her own mess by not enabling her to use you as a baggage handler.

Do not respond to personal contact from her. Block her number. Delete any texts or messages of a personal nature. Take care of your own baggage that is starting to pile up due to the confusion you both have been cultivating.

Take care of yourself. Give yourself support. Stop allowing her confusion and baggage to become your own.

Yeah your right, it must be much more obvious what my next step should be on the outside of the situation, wish I could see more clearly. But I will be taking a step back and letting her sort her issues out. Thank you all for your help I really appreciate it.

You committed the cardinal sin of messing around with ANYONE you work with... this never ends well... and I have the hindsight of over 30 years since I graduated college backing that up.

You committed the cardinal sin of messing around with ANYONE you work with.....this never ends well....and I have the hindsight of over 30 years since I graduated college backing that up.

We don't work together just for the same company

We don't work together just for the same company

If its at the same jobsite.. it still applies... a lot of the situations I referred to they didn't work with each other... but still in the same building is much too close... the proximity and the chatter when things turn sour is very toxic to either of your careers... and most of the cases I saw ended up so badly one or both ended up getting fired over the hijinks that went on as a result.

I can understand WHY people do it... (its easier than meeting someone outside the office) just that when things go bad and they usually do... they go really, REALLY bad.

If its at the same jobsite..it still applies.....a lot of the situations I reffered to they didn't work with each other....but still in the same building is much too close....the proximity and the chatter when things turn sour is very toxic to either of your careers....and most of the cases I saw ended up so badly one or both ended up getting fired over the hijinks that went on as a result.

I can understand WHY people do it.....(its easier than meeting someone outside the office) just that when things go bad and they usually do....they go really, REALLY bad.

I understand what your saying but as were in residential work we work different days and in different houses our paths don't cross at work, we just met there x

I understand what ur saying but as were in residential work we work different days and in different houses our paths don't cross at work, we just met there x

You got part of what I was saying... the other part being what your other co-workers know and what either or both of you say to others at the company...

Its not impossible to aviod a bad fallout.. but you both have to be able to let it drop and not talk to anyone else about anything related to this... if one talks then everone knows... and the temptation for the other to say something in defence becomes overwhelming... and what results usually effects the workplace... and that's when the real trouble starts.

You both need to walk away from this and not say anythign to anyone or its likely to end up getting ugly. It just gets much worse if you actually work near each other... and yes... that can be very entertaining and very ugly when that happens. I've seen world class meltdown and blowups over the years... IN the office. Once the police were actually called in.

Oh dear.. well luckily neither of us have any close friends at work we would discuss this with.. work is kept well n truly out of the equation n luckily that's worked for us. No one evens knows our sexual orientations at work. So I don't think we have anything to worry about x

Oh dear.. well luckily neither of us have any close friends at work we would discuss this with.. work is kept well n truely out of the equation n luckily that's worked for us. No one evens knows our sexual orientations at work. So I don't think we have anything to worry about x

You are a lucky one if you managed to pull that off... people usually talk enough with their coworkers many places that while they may not know everything they do know more than they should. At least the various places I have worked.

If I've learned anything in life it's to believe what people tell me about themselves and where they are at in a relationship. This woman has told you that she's "F...up" and has made clear that she's not ready for a serious committed relationship, nor does she feel capable of one. You have made clear that you want such a relationship. You're willing to not "call it that" but you want it anyway - you want to be with her more, have an "understanding" between the two of you - that IS a committed relationship, exactly what she told you she cannot offer.

I think you were on the right track when you decided to avoid her. I don't think you have to be nasty about it, but could tell her, "I have genuine feelings for you, and they are strong enough that I know I can't go on letting these feelings become stronger without a commitment. Since you aren't ready for a commitment, we need to part ways." It's a hard thing to do, but the right thing to do to avoid playing games. Maybe she will get counseling and work through her issues - she could come back when she's ready, if you're still available. Maybe she won't. In any case, you'll get out of the emotional torture of a dead-end relationship in which your feelings appear to continue to grow.

Sometimes we meet people at the wrong time, but if we recognize it and move on, it can be OK.

Thank you I really appreciate your help.. I think your right, its just hard because when I do back off she doesn't let me go and will do everything to get my attention again. She wants me in her life, as more than friends, but without the commitment. Hard work!

If you can't be text buddies and friends with benefits then stop being available for it. She doesn't want what you want, and the reasons are not relevant. Listen to your head, NOT your heart.

You do know that YOU allow and enable her behavior.

Yeh I no I do.. because I love her,its not easy to let go of something when its everything u want

Its not easy to keepyour dignity and self respect chasing someone who doesn't make you the priority you want them too, either.

I guess so, but I'd rather lose that than the love of my life.. nevertheless I'm going to do it. Time to let go.. thanks

I guess so, but I'd rather lose that than the love of my life.. nevertheless I'm going to do it. Time to let go .. thanks

Deb, losing your self-respect and dignity means losing the qualities that make you the person you are. Over time you would begin to resent her and the relationship.

If she loves you, she loves the whole person you are. If she doesn't, then giving up your 'self' won't win her 'love'.

Good luck and if you need more advice about letting go and healing, all you have to do is add to this thread. We are still here.

Aw that's lovely of you, its helped just being able to talk about it, even if its just online, you have all been helpful, and I'm going to really struggle with this, but il be sure to update should I need to.. thanks again