I'm trying to figure out how to make my life better, but just don't know what to do. Both my parents died (my mom when I was 13, my dad when I was 18). Both from cancer. My brother died 6 months after my mom (I was 14, he was 16) in an accident. Me and my brother were best friends. With each death it felt like part of me died too. I feel like ever since I was 14 I've lost part of my soul and my personality. Before they died I felt confident, fun, goofy, etc. Ever since their deaths I've had very low self esteem, depression and anxiety.

Here is what is still keeping me down. I'm 30 now. When I was about 24 I started getting these horrible nerve pains. It took me a long time (many doctors and tests) to figure out what was wrong. I had to stop working because the pain was so bad. I still deal with the pain today. I have back fractures (I did gymnastics growing up, and in my early 20s I did some jobs that required heavy lifting and carrying). Now I'm on disability. But I just hate not doing anything with my life! Myself esteem is so low and I'm bored all day. I know if I worked I'd feel better about myself. But I know most jobs I couldn't tolerate (I can't stand long, I can't sit long, I can't lift anything without getting pain). Just washing dishes for 10-15 minutes can give me bad nerve pains. There's a lot of chores I can't do at home because of the pain. I am able to keep my pain at bay for the most part, but it means I can hardly do anything. I do hang out with friends and family but I have to take pain meds just to go visit for a while (if I'm going to be sitting or standing for a while). I spend most of my time lying down watching TV and on the computer. I do as much as I can (I try to take a walk everyday if I'm not having a "flare", and I do the chores I can do, but even then I still sometimes get pain from it).

Anyway I've been racking my brain for a job that I could tolerate. The only thing I could come up with is a Realtor. Because I could do a lot from home on the computer, and I'll have to drive to show houses. My guess is when I'm showing houses maybe the most I'd have to drive around is an hour or two with breaks in between showing the houses.
Sometimes I'm very positive about this idea. But other times (like the past several days, because of a bad flare up) I'm scared I won't be able to tolerate it. The past 4 days in a row I've gotten my "bad" nerve pains that all I can do is lay down and not move. I can never expect when I'll get that kind of pain. The other nerve pain is just a slight burning sensation and I can work through that. The bad pain seems to come out of nowhere and I literally can't move and pain meds don't seem to help much with it.

I'm worried that I'll be showing a house or driving with a client and get the pain and I'll get embarrassed because it is so debilitating for me. And I won't be able to finish the job. And mostly I'll just be so upset if I find out I have to quit.

Sorry this is so long but I want to get everything out!

Another thing is I'm worried I won't be able to tolerate having a baby (it could make my pain worse). I want to have a baby but because of the risk I think I could be okay not having one. But my husband really wants to have a baby. He would be devastated if we don't have a child. :-( He says he wants to be with me no matter what, but I don't want to be the reason he never has kids. Again, depending on my pain level, I sometimes think it's possible and other times think there is just no way I can handle a child. Because sometimes I can hardly take care of myself.

For now I'm trying not to think about having a baby. The work thing is mostly on my mind. I'm about half way through the real estate school (online). I'm just so worried it will be a waste of money (to get started being a realtor you need to spend about $2,000). But I'm worried I'll spend all that money to get started and then end up not being able to tolerate it and have to quit. My husband doesn't make much, we live paycheck to paycheck. So we really do need more income. But I don't want to end up putting $2,000 down the drain. What should I do?

I just don't get the reason for all the bad stuff that's happened to me. How can just doing nothing at home be all that my life can amount to? Do you believe in everything happens for a reason? I can't ever come up with a reason for any of it. Or lessons to learn from it. I just want to do something better with my life but it seems I can't tolerate much at all without pain. What can I do to make my life better?

Insurance agent, real estate agent, doing computer web page design, Working on wheel chairs perhaps, they hire handicap sometimes.

There is good and bad in all

Real estate agents are still having a really tough time. When the recession hit, thousands of people became agents, worsening an already bad situation for home sales. So most states doubled the requirements to get a license. I took the exam about 2 years before that, and the instructor told us to expect to spend 10K for 2 years before making any money. At that was in good times! Granted some people are better at it than others, or live in an area that is turning around, but just gas money alone at over $4/gal will burn a huge hole in your wallet.
I would either look for part time office jobs near your home, or sell on eBay. I have done well selling on eBay, although I haven't tried to make a living at it. And it is more expensive now, with higher fees, and there's more competition. I was lucky too, because I bought a lot of silver dollars at 17 and sold them for double a few years later. I also had a lot of my own and my parents possessions to get rid of. It can be fun, if you don't make mistakes.

Why do people have to have their own children? Adopt!

joypulv,

Did you end up trying real estate? Different people have told me different things about how much money you have to put in. My friend says he only put in $2,000 and made it back real quick. Maybe he is just really good at it though.

I have sold things on eBay before. I have a few things I could put on there, but not much. I should definitely do that even if it means only making a little extra cash.

Thanks for your reply!

Fr Chuck,

Thanks for the suggestions!
All the insurance agents I know sit at a desk all day. I can't do that for very long. I would need a job that's a mix of sitting, standing, walking. I can't stay in one position too long.

I definitely have no skills with computers! I wish I did. All I know how to do is check my email, visit websites, the basics! Haha

I'm not sure how I could work on wheel chairs?

I didn't sell real estate. I passed the exam just as the crash was starting big time. I live in a rural area where the super rich were still buying (3 million dollar houses selling for 1.75 or so), but there were maybe one or two sales per year in each town, for several years. I counted the number of agents and decided that most of them were earning less than nothing.
I think I'd be good at it, but I would have to start all over again!
You have started, and know someone who is doing OK, so it sounds like something worth pursuing.
Keep in mind that you don't just drive from house to house - you have to go in and open the places up from attic to cellar, turning lights on and off and locking up, and so on. You can't just trust the clients to leave things as they were (or not steal... or let a cat out of a bedroom.. or who knows.. ) so have to go everywhere they go, for the most part.

And some brokers are very computer advanced, with online form signing and so on, so that agents can grab a buyer's signature at a showing... and they may require you to own the latest electronics.

You're a good writer. Have you ever considered writing for fun and profit? Or typing/editing term papers and graduate school theses and dissertations? Most of that can be done electronically. If you're good at editing, you can demand $10 a page and more. You can even write something for our site blog. I'm the editor and would love it if you did. :)

joypulv, thanks for the detailed response! I think I should go talk to the real estate teacher in person about all the costs. The $2,000 would already put us more in debt. And spending anything more than that we just can't afford.

Wondergirl, thanks! I don't think I've ever been told that! I've considered writing children books. Actually I sort of forgot about that little dream! :-)
I don't think I should be trusted to edit people's papers though! I could be up for writing in yall's blog though! I just checked out the blog and read your suggestions, they are all great! I will have to think about which one to write about and then PM you with it. It may take some time though, just a head up. :-)

P.S. Is there any reason there are no replies on any of the blog posts? I thought so many were really awesome and moving.

Sorry to reply again. I read about your soulcat Thomas Jefferson! I loved it, so so sweet! :-]

P.S. Is there any reason there are no replies on any of the blog posts? I thought so many were really awesome and moving.
For a long time, the blog essays were closed to comments. I recently convinced the site owner to allow them to be open for comments, so it's a fairly new concept. Feel free to comment away!

Have you looked into a Pell grant or a loan for online classes and certification into a field you desire? Many schools have a job-finding service for its graduates. A job counselor may be available also.