I got divorced 6 years ago, from an emotionally abusive (both verbal and neglect). I was single for almost 2 years, just dated mostly. I had fun with my friends and I had fun going on dates. Then I met my current guy. To be fair, I was warned from his friends not to get involved with him but it only intrigued me. I saw it as a game, and while playing we fell in love. Granted, I fell in love with him long before he fell for me, but he did end up telling me that he loved me.

I ended up having to move in with him a year into our relationship because of financial reasons, and I was spending every night at his place anyway. He didn't like my cozy, well-decorated with very nice things "museum" apartment so we stayed at his dumpy trailer. He didn't have a job and his parents were taking care of him. I have to tell you, we were both 28 years old at this point. Anyway, I was (am still) in college, working 50+ hours a week and babysitting at night just to pay the rent. He never paid for anything, ever. But I didn't mind, I knew he was trying to find a job. Even after a year of him having a couple of odd jobs, and just living off unemployment and my "extra" income, I still loved him dearly.

I even loved him when he called me stupid and told me he wished my mother would die (while she was in the hospital). Desperation? Probably. But why? Why did I feel such a need for him? I left him for a month after he said that about my mother but I missed him so much every day. I ended up going back to him and lost the last few friends I had. I also lost my mom (she didn't die she just didn't want anything to do with me) for a year. He ended up landing a great job, and after lavishing him with the gifts he's always wanted and never been able to afford, (Rolex, PS3, Xbox, Simmons Jewelry etc.), he decided he needed to buy us a house.

Things were looking up, right? We found a little townhouse and moved right in. This is when he started getting on to me about my "crappy" job and bullied me into quitting it. He also talked me into using MY savings and MY leased vehicle to take a 10 day road trip. Best trip ever but, I am stuck with 4,000+ extra miles on my car and my savings account is completely depleted. Maybe he's right, I am stupid.

Even though I realize these things, I still stay. Sometimes I stare at my closet full of clothes, you know, the one he "gave" me. He has the master closet, I have the spare closet. The smallest closet in the house. Oh, I have a few boxes in the garage (that he complains about constantly) but that's it. He also forced me to give away all of my furniture when I moved in with him. Even though his furniture was old and used, he didn't like my style so I couldn't bring it with me and since I couldn't afford a storage unit, I gave it away. $6,000.00 worth of almost new furniture, gone. Anyway, I stare at my closet full of clothes and I wonder how many trips up and down the stairs it would take to get them out of here, or if I would just throw them down the stairs and stuff them into my car and go. And then I cry.

Oh how I cry. At least 5 times a week. I am in my own personal hell.

This rant was triggered by last nights berating. I saw a bug last week, and I have a huge phobia so now I always look up at the ceiling before going to bed. He started making fun of me. And wouldn't just leave it at one remark, he kept digging and digging. And describing them to me, right before bed, nightmare material! So I asked him to please stop. And he said that he gets to decide when and what he is going to talk about and that I needed to grow the F up. Then, to really drive it home, he said "I cannot wait to break up with you and get a normal girlfriend". And so he fell asleep and I cried for hours and hours.

The clothes in my tiny closet must have a complex because all I've done is stare at them today. Why do I feel frozen? I know I still only have a part time job, which of course isn't good enough for him, but I am looking every day. I have been on countless interviews but I just feel so crappy about myself that they can see it running right off me, into the gutter where I will eventually be living. I have no friends. I have no family. I have no one and I think about killing myself all the time.

I am a coward though, a door mat, complacent and lonely. I won't do anything to hurt myself except stay in this toxicity. I am a psychology major, stuck in my own head case. It's truly hell. There is so much more to it but I can't keep writing about this. He will surely come in here and want to know exactly why I am tapping so much on the laptop. "ARE YOU ON FACEBOOK?!!!" "Of course not, you have it blocked".

Am I really as worthless as he says I am?

Nobody is innately worthless. We make choices which determine our course in life and you've made some bad ones, but that's your opportunity to overcome your past. You do need to leave and you do need to stop looking to other people to determine your worth... that's your job and nobody can do it for you.

Call around for a woman's shelter in your area, and get more serious about finding better work. You need more hours so you can afford to move. But also look for assistance moving.

You have some self destructive habits, like toying with a man you know is wrong for you, moving in with him when he's already z burden on his mother, ignoring good advice. You need some counseling to change these habits.

I wonder if alcohol or drugs are in the picture? Get some help and take the advice you are given. Best wishes.

When I moved in with him, I relieved his parents of taking care of him. I Picked up all of his bills, they were half the cost of my little apartment and then he found a job.

Of course there isn't alcohol or drugs! I am inept at relationships, not a drug addict.

U should reach back out to your mom, and go, he is the worthless one, and he chooses to degrade and belittle u to keep his power over u, u seem to have a good head on your shoulder and have answered yourself already, get out and stay ou of this relationship, u owe it to yourself to remove yourself from this hell... Get out and don't look back.

You are not worthless you have just fallen back into an abusive relationship.
It is time to end the pity party and leave. See if you can move in with your mom until you get back on your feet.
Don't stay and take this crap.