Hi friends, I met this guy and feel like I have started liking him. I love to spend time with him. Want to talk to him for hours. What brought me here is his behavior, his gestures, his words say he likes me.

He never said he loves me but he always try to get closer. And sometimes I feel like he is hiding something. And a strange thing he disappears on weekends and after his office hours.

I asked him why so, but he says its nothing, just he doesn't get time once he is home. I asked him about his feelings for me to which he says we are good friends, or try to flirt and change the topic.

Confused here!!

Hi Confused,

If he does not make the time for you, then he is making the time for other activities, hence would suggest you re-group your thoughts and feelings before getting hurt further.

I talk from experience, hence before reaching a point of 'hard to turn back' make the break now

That's my take on this, looking from the outside

Have you considered that he may be married or at least have someone else?

What's the confusion? Why would he say he loves you, you guys just met?

.....i asked him about his feelings for me...to which he says we are good friends or try to flirt and change the topic......
He has told you what's up. He could be seeing someone else too.

You it could be... what should I do then... break up?

ya it could be....what should i do then...break up??

Break up? He says you are good friends. Does not sound like there is anything to break up.

You but he treats me like his girl friend and that's why I'm confused.. his actions and words doesn't match..

Do you have a sexual relationship with him?
He could be married, still he has told you where he stands with you. Listen to that.


ya but he treats me like his girl friend and that's why i m confused..his actions and words doesn't match..
What does treating you like his girl friend mean? He has told you you're not.

What exactly has happened... a day I was very upset.. and he was consoling me... and while doing that we kissed... and after that day it became like a routine... whenever he meets... we kiss... we hug... stay close... but never had sex... although he wants it... but I refused... and he said he will wait... everything goes fine... but whenever I ask the question... he answers like that... sometimes I feel if he actually doesn't love me... we should not be doing what is going on... and when I say it to him... he says he cares for me... he likes me and blah blah... but never says he loves me... which I want to hear... I say it to him many times... I am not getting him... and sometimes he start ignoring me after the question... and again himself come back and behave normally like nothing has happened...

And yes one more thing... he said he wants to see me all virtually... he insisted for long time... and one day I did that for him...

.he said he wants to see me all virtually...

What does that mean?

Means via webcam

He disappears on weekends and after office hours. Sounds like he may be married or in an official relationship.

You are putting way much more into this relationship than he is. Time to step back and look at the whole picture.

But how I will know if he is married or in other relationship... I hope he is not...

But how i will know if he is married or in other relationship.....i hope he is not...
Whether he is or not, he is not into you. He wants to get in your pants. You are an option to him.
How old are you (you sound really young) and how old is he?

You find out by asking him.
The clues are all there.
This reminds me of your previous situation...

Don't go there.

Ya Ami.. feels like I found someone like him again... feeling disappointed again...

And I have told him... if he can't make out time for me... we are not together anymore... let see what he will do now...

We do this ''us humans''- we tend to repeat patterns until we've worked on ourselves so that we are able to love ourselves and thus attract a better partner.

Looking in from the outside I'd say this guy is in a relationship with somebody else.

Protect your heart and leave this be.
Hugs.

And i have told him...if he can't make out time for me....we are not together anymore....let see what he will do now....

It's never good to give ultimatums. You make a decision and stick with it.

Its an holiday today... and he is again disappeared... I called him... but he cut the call and sent message... to stop calling him... he is at home... and will talk later... I didn't message him back... I don't want this kind of behaviour and have decided to break it off... but don't know how I should convey it to him... should I tell him on message or call or should I meet him in person... and what exactly should I tell him... and this is for sure that I am not feeling happy in this relationship... if I am giving my hundred percent... I expect the same in return... please suggest what would be a better way to convey him this...

And yes one more question if in case he says to be just friends... should I accept it or say no to this...

I don't think you should say anything to him, don't contact him all. Leave him alone.
You may not even hear from him again. If you do, tell him you have moved on.

Trying to be friends with an ex is a good way not to move beyond all those old feelings. Disappear for a while.

Ya I am trying to do tal,, but he disturbs a lot... and one thing is clear to me now... he wants only sex... nothing more...

Is he still trying to contact you?

Yes tal... and when I asked him about his behaviour he simply said he doesn't love me and will never do... so I just told him to go away... its over... to which he replied he doesn't care...
And from a friend of his... came to know... that he is married... he hide the fact from me...

That's EXACTLY what I thought.

It's time to break all ties with this liar and cheater. Do not be friends. It never works. Go No Contact and take time to heal yourself.

Started no contact now

started no contact now
Good for you! Keep it up. I'm sure there will be bumps in the road, but you can do it!

I failed guys, he convinced me of his love, past six months were like wow.. just like a dream... I knew the fact he was married... stilll don't know why and how I just gave in... we didn't have sex... but yes very close physically... near to that... he made me feel complete... very caring... understanding... and all what a woman may wish for... what left was the fact of his marriage... and the disaster came four days back... I received call from his no... guess what it was his wife... she used such an insulting and abusive language for me... I was all shattered... and when I looked up to him... he was like... I am helpless... somehow he convinced his wife... and everything is OK in their life... and he called me to say that he told his wife that I was after him... and he tried to get rid of him but just couldn't and she took him back... he told me that we will never talk now... it feels like a bad dream... I know I am fault tooo... once I came to know he is married... I should have come out of it... and tried too but just couldn't... just wanted to share my foolish act... dont know how to punish myself...

I have lost him forever... :( he was not mine :( :(

Sorry you had to learn the hard way, but no need to punish yourself, since now you have awakened from this bad dream, and are free at last to heal, and get a happy, healthy life.

If you see this experience as recovering from a life threatening disease, then you will be grateful its finally over. HMMMM,after you mourn the death of this relationship... celebrate the healing by doing good things for yourself, and being good to yourself.

He was never yours to ''lose'';he's a married man cheating on his wife-carcrash!

I think you need to take some serious time out from relationships and start strengthening yourself confidence and work on loving you .

Take care of yourself;and start healing.

Hey guys... I didn't contact him... for 2 months... completely no contact... it was hard but I did it... missed him lot... then one day he sent me message... I had no intention to get in this again... but unfortunately I replied... and our conversation started... I missed him during the time... so I was easily convinced talking to him... he came out with a condition that... we will not do any texts or phone calls... just online chat... I thought its fine... even I didn't want any issues again... and thought simply talks will not harm any of us... we started chatting online... started from 10 minutes... to full day... he emailed me his current pics... asks me mine... the communication goes on... and it was I was in the whole thing again... this time more badly... was feeling bad and insulted being with him all the way... but couldn't stop myself going there... now its almost more than 2 months... we are together online... we never met during the time... but do had seen each other fully... n... d... via pictures and web cam... felt so bad afterwards... decided will not do it again... and tried to stick with it... he demanded again... and I made an excuse... couldnt say him directly... that I don't want to do this... my fear that he will stop talking to me... made me do this... after this his behaviour changed... he started ignoring me... then came back... and demanded real sex... for which I said no... then he acted like he is fine with it... and talked normally... again when I did... he get pissed off... used abusive language... and later said he was drunk... and apologized... but he keeps on reminded me again and again that he wants it... I fought with him... for no reason... and he was calm... like it doesn't effect him... no matter what I do... I talk to him or not... I fight with him.. or I just get upset with him... he simply don't react now... he doesn't come to me to ask what is bothering me... now he started saying he is busy... I don't know... if he is actually or not... but yess I feel like... he is avoiding me to get what he wants... he replies to what I say... sometimes ignore too.. but he has stopped initiating any chat... I want to come out of this... but I have lost control on myself... I feel really bad... I told him too... he says its my perception... he can't change anything... he will be with his wife... no matter what... he is happy.. he says... I simply asked why you want to have.. sex with me then... he said he want... dont know... I am in this unhealthy... uncommitted... futureless... insulting... realtionship... want to come out... but its me... how to stick with my decision... I always give in... whenever he calls me... I just forget everything... I want to run away from him... I want a respected complete relationship... not like this... but unable to come out... please guys... help me to get the strength just to come out of this useless relationship... its ruining my life...

You need to start respecting yourself. The man is making a fool of you and you are allowing it. He does not even treat you nice, what do you think is going to change? Nothing. Block him from everything.

You already know what to do. Start over with NC, block him and stick to it. No shame in failure, just keep trying until you get NC right.

Started NC... from half an hour ago... hope succeed this time...

I don't know.. how to say it... my boyfriend and I was not talking... 6 days back.. he came to my work place area and insisted on meeting him... I had no choice... I had to go and meet him... again same things... he can't leave his wife.. n even don't want to... I was talking to him... when he suddenly started kissing me... and we ended up having oral sex... :( I love him.. but I really never wanted our relation to be like this... he was treating me nicely after we finished... and then disappeared for till date... saying he is busy... he doesn't call me or message me... just chat with me whenever its convenient... otherwise give excuses... he doesn't leave me alone too...

He says that I should get married now.. and our relation will be continued as it is... my parents too want me to settle down now... I m now in my early 30's.. my parents don't know about all this and I have no courage to tell them... I m on anti depressants and sleeping pills these days... I m totally helpless... if I leave him and start NC... I just lose control on myself... my work suffers and I keep on crying all the time... and when I'm with him... the stress of I'm in a wrong relationship kills me every moment... im left for no place... I have lost myself... I can't expect anything from him... he is my boyfriend but I can't marry him... can't even say to anyone that we are together... he doesn't care for me... my wishes... nothing... never meets me on any occasion... not even on my birthday... never... whenever he meets... he want physical contact... we never go out anywhere... no festivals... no hang outs... no common friends... nothing... I m in his life but secretly... n :'( I know what to to do but how... I m always weak... when it comes to him...

What are you getting out of this? Sounds like nothing. He will use you until he uses you up and then throw you away. You are nothing to him.
Until you realise that, know that you deserve and can have better, you will continue to allow this jerk to jerk you around. I think you need to get some counseling. Find out why you allow yourself to be treated this way and then how to walk away .

Not to be cruel, but tell him to leave you alone, and then tell some one else what you are going through. Your personal physician is my recommendation. Don't have one get one.

What you must do is stop making excuses for being weak, and find a friend to help you stop him from making you his personal whore that he uses and abuses. That may entail threats and telling your boss not to allow him at your work place, or the police if he harasses you further.

The addiction to this fellow must be broken, and you do need help with it.

I finally caught up to the entire story. It's too bad that you seem to be stuck in a never ending cycle. I know that no contact has been highly recommended, but I wouldn't use no contact as a way of hiding in your room and constantly re-thinking about what could have been. And as soon as your phone rings with a text, you're back in the same cycle again.

I think that for you, especially in your case, if you are going into no contact, you should also be proactive in meeting new people. The best way to move on from someone is to meet new people.

Imagine I introduced you to 1000 new guys today and let's say 50 of them are your type. I'm sure out of that 50, there will be a good 25 who are even better than this guy. If you had 25 new guys to talk to, you would have your hands full and won't have any time to think about this guy.

Anyway, I know it's hard to meet 1000 guys in one day, but if you start meeting one new person a day, it can go a long way in helping you recover from this mess. But the first step is that you have to want to recover from this. Hopefully you can find it in yourself to let him go so that you can give your chance to meet new people.

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again

Seems things have settled a bit... haven't seen him from months... no phone calls... no emails... but yes sometimes his message comes to ask how I'm doing... nothing more... I m also very much healed as far my feelings are concerned... seeing no one till now... busy with new friends... yes his absence is not affecting me anymore... nor his messages bother me... just like I have become neutral towards him... have no desire or wish to meet him... sometimes when I'm alone and think of all... I do get upset... but thankfully I have got good friend circle... their company have helped me a lot to come out of this situation... hope this continues... don't know whether replying his once a while messages is right or wrong... but I just couldn't behave bad or ignore him completely... it hurts me too... but yes things are very much settled...

Its not a bad thing, or rude to completely ignore someone, and not reply to them when you know its not doing you any good. You don't need a reminder of a bad time or bring back old feelings when you are making positive progress. Why slow yourself down needlessly?

You will get there eventually.

Don't go back to the drug, You've come a long way. Do not respond to him at all, that is not behaving bad, it is taking care of yourself. If this is causing you pain, you still have a problem as far as he is concerned. Ignore him.

Will try doing that too... but as of now... can't commit it... but yes I will surely try...

I guess may be he is married or already in a serious relationship... nd as far asu r concerned.. He doesn't consider u nytning more than a time pass...
Move on girl!

Got his message... he is going to be father soon... but still wants me to be in his life... I felt bad about hearing this... although I replied him congrats... and nothing more.. I don't know... im feeling reallly sad... since I have heard this... dont know what to do.. im blank...

When the emotional dust settles and the shock wears off you will know what to do. Hopefully you will reject his offer and leave him alone. His hands are full with his soon to be baby mama.

Tal.. I m already not talking to him.. and the relationship stickies here... and your advices have always gave me strength... I m not going to accept his offer... I can't do it to myself... I will not... after hearing this news.. no chance... I have thought about every moment... every incidence happened b/w us since I heard it... but I'm calm now... I won't let it happen to myself again... Thanks for being here.. and showing the right path... always... whenever I needed it...

Tal.. Ami... and all other who have been here... gave me... their reallly good advices... today I want to say sorry to alll of you... I have a confession to make here...
Hope guys will forgive me... I lied to you about his identity... he is the same guy I discussed about in my previous thread... I felt I was strong... tal and ami you both wished me gudluck for my future... but I was a weak creature... 3-4 months passed... everything was going fine... like you guys advised... but all of a sudden he came in front of me... its always with me... whenever I get to see him... my mind stops working and its all about him... we became friends again... and unfortunately... the problems started all over again... I visited here... wanted to discuss... my foolish acts with you... but my thread was closed by the time... I had to start afresh... while I was writing... I got scared... had thought... that you guys will also leave me.. because.. after so much support you gave me.. your advices.. and once things settled... I being foolish again... get into that again.. how could I.. I couldn't gather the strength to admit that I'm still with the same guy... hurt more than before... I didn't want to say it to you guys... so I discussed every incident truly with you... but lied about his identity.. I'm sorry... I should have not... its been 9 years... I'm with him... I can feel him.. even when he is not around... he is my first love... but yess... I was on NC... couldn't delete his no. my heart doesn't allow me to do so... I know I have to gather the strength to deal with my problems... last night he sent me message that he will be officially on leave for a month... and will not be available... I didn't reply him... because I know... it must be related to his to be born baby... could be the case... its born already... I didn't ask him... I don't want to see what all is going on in his life... he told me once... his wife can not conceive... because of some medical issue... and when she did... he hid it from me... I can't do this... something inside me is cursing me... I can't do it with a little baby... I can't with him... though he wants me... I can't.. its not I did not try to move on... I tried... many a times... I tried... but I'm weak... when I see him... I haven't shared all this with anyone... except you guys... I keep on smiling all day.. so that no one.. my family and friends don't get a hint... what I'm going through... and in nights I cry a lot... I have lost my dignity in his love... being friends with him proved costly to me... I allowed him access to my body... now in so much years.. I don't know how and what I should tell him... yes I'm not talking to him... I wanted to admit the lie I told you guys... it was a burden on me... I lied to those who genuinely wished good for me... but it was only and only weakness... I still love him... and I know he can never be mine... he says me to get married at times... and after a minute hugs me and says he loves me... I have always suffered... I don't want to look back... but he always get what he needs... we met last time... and decided that we will not meet again... in that meeting too he tried to get intimate with me... please forgive me...

Hope you guys.. will forgive me... I reallly need you guys... and I promise... I will never hide a single thing again...

If I ignore him.. how he is going to feel... makes me weak... I have never ever been rude to him.. even when he left me.. and married to that girl... I was so much hurt.. he knows everything... he says he cares... he wants me to move on... if this is the fact then why he doesn't allow me to walk out of this relationship... whenever I try.. he stops me with some of his words or acts...

My mind wants to run away from him... and my heart wants him...

Several times I tried NC... it stays fine for a month or two.. and after that nothing remains same... we get in touch again... with me in more compromising situation than before.. losing more of respect...

Please guys... say something... I wna hear you all... I know I have acted foolishly... please

Please guys... say something... I wna hear you all... I know I have acted foolishly... pls

NO MORE CONTACT WHATSOEVER. If he shows up, cuss instead of melt.

Thanks for replying Tal... I m on NC already... initially I was very much upset... but as the days are passing... I m much more controlled... yes at times his thoughts makes me sad... but I'm very much controlled... And again I'm sorry... thanks for being here... always...

The time for words and even emotions is well past. Only actions count now.

I will keep your words in mind Tal... I promise you today... I won't let you down... You have been a support to me always.. I won't let you down... will do it... anyhow... no matter what... thanks for forgiving me..

Don't let YOURSELF down. Forgive YOURSELF, and do better. Promise YOURSELF you will do better, promise me nothing.

As the days are passing.. lot of things are going in me... I wake up in nights thinking about what I have done with my life... I don't want to know anything about his life... I m scared he will show up again when he comes back from his holidays... I don't want to face him... I won't be able to hear updates of his life... I m expecting his holidays to be over in next ten days as he msgd... I want to hide myself somewhere... I m just not ready to talk to him...

Hi All

I'm feeling really weak from past 3-4 days... an urge to talk to him... is making me upset... I m trying to be around people... no matter what... I hope this time passes on soon.. I don't want to talk to him... is there a way to overcome this urge? Please help..

The best way to deal with your "withdrawal" is a plan of action, that includes friends, family, and activities. Almost anything is better than sitting and dwelling so push for things that keep you busy, starting from the time you get up in the morning. I am sure you have some task that needs doing/completing, a closet to clean, or anything besides sitting and dwelling.

Some keep a journal of what they are feeling to be read later, or a letter that puts your feelings down to be read later and burned. Put it all down and get it out of your system, or have a friend whose shoulder you can cry on and vent those pent up emotions, a very good friend who is a god listener. Got any?

The whole point is to get all the painful poison out to be replaced by positive purpose and a plan of action that gets you through those very intense withdrawal feelings. Even small things that make you feel good adds up to help you feel better. The last thing you need is doing NOTHING but sitting and thinking how bad you feel.

It's a lot of working to work on you, so embrace the challenge.

Hi, Broken_heart,
May be I am posting very late but I was following this thread and other generous people were already giving you a right suggestions. But now, after reading post I feel very strong urge to share a same experience with you. I had a friend and she was in same kind of situation and she had an affair with married man, who already had a kid & wife. He was the first love of my friend too. So it wasn't easy for her to stop this relationship. He made all this story that- His wife never loved him and he need real love... blah blah, because he new that my friend never had any relationship with anyone before, she didn't had experience to discern that if a person is really interested in a true love relationship or he just want flesh to flesh relationship but no real love, so she will eventually fell in his trap. The RED FLAG for her to leave him and run in opposite direction was when she found out that he lied to her about his family, he was married and he had children too. But she fell in his trap once he said- I don't love my wife and kid I just love you, you are the one. So, she shared with me, I advised her, ''ok i understand that you love him and all this thing happen between you both and he is the first person you ever loved but understand this also that you are not first one for him, you are not the one whom he wants to spend his life in legally married relationship, you are not the one whom he wants to take any responsibility, you are not 'THE ONE' for him, you are just an easy and available target for him, he is making fool of you because he is mature and experienced, he know how to and what to say to a girl so that she will believe in him, he knows where and how to touch a girl so that she will surrender and fall in his arms(of course he know, he is married), SO I am going to tell you the same thing broken heart. He knows how to get you. Its normal, there are many predators roaming outside like him to get an easy hunting free of cost. You are not the only one who faced it, but the wisdom is in this that as soon as you recognized him you just rescue yourself and say no to those predators, run away from them. You are lucky its not very late, You can do it now also. I will give you two reason to shut the door of your mind, heart, life and body for him, whatever works try to think about it and remind yourself this whenever you feel helpless and you feel drawn to him- 1- "Think about His family, May be his wife and kid love their daddy and hubby so much, they don't have anyone except him, when he comes home, they are happy, a complete family. Just dont think about how much you like him and his touch etc etc, but think that when she came to know about his relationship outside marriage what will go through their heart, i understand its not only your decision but his also to get physical with you but you always had a chance to say 'no' to him but you are not doing it.". 2-'' My friend was a virgin, she even never touched anyone, that fraud man was the first person she has ever imagined her with, so it was very hard for her to believe that she is not for him, and she was very young, during those time you starts changing physically and its normal, so she was attracted to him but more then that she like that physical touch and things how he use to do with her, apparently she was kind of hypnotized by him physically and emotionally, that was the reason she wasn't able to rescue herself from his trap, but later she realized and she kind of self controlled herself physically and emotionally, and tried very hard to draw herself away from him. And she did it not instantly but she fell and she got up and again she tried. Now she is with a husband(her own) who loves her and no one else." I hope this real life situation encourage you.
Don't settle down for just a peace of crap when you deserve a 'Gold'. Be responsible for your life, your body, God has given you that not to misuse but for a great purpose in your life. Its normal everyone go through this stage, physically attracted to someone, but don't dwell in that, fight with your inner feeling which tells you "oh I need to feel that again, and he loves me or I love him.. whatever". Its always hard to start it but I know ones you start and keep fighting for yourself, you will achieve it. You worth more than what you are now. Just change your mind. You can do it. My friend did it, she is human, so are you.
I pray and hope you recognize his traps and throw away that snake far far aways from your life. I know you can do it. :)

'ok i understand that you love him and all this thing happen between you both and he is the first person you ever loved but understand this also that you are not first one for him, you are not the one whom he wants to spend his life in legally married relationship, you are not the one whom he wants to take any responsibility, you are not 'THE ONE' for him
Well said!

Read the BOOK: "he's just not that into you", it changed my life! Not the movie, read the book. Your time is too precious, it's obvious he's just not that into you; cut your loses and move on! Don't waist the pretty! If a guy is interested in you he will move mountains to be with you! :)

Thanks to all of you for giving your support... the urge is really strong... couldn't sleep from past few days... still I haven't give in... I m still on NC... 9 years is a big time... which I have given to him... but now... not anymore... I won't compromise in any way... I m trying and hopefully will get over this one day... he tried to contact me few days back late at night... but I ignored his calls... and few fake interview calls... and I'm having a strong feeling... it was him only behind those calls... he knows where my workplace is... and I'm trying to change for that too...

Yes, I can see you are trying and I now if you just hold on to it you can overcome anything! I trust you, you can do it. :)

Bunnnymck- can you suggest which author is best for the said book?

Is this the book written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo... the one you talked about..? I m ready to do anything to get over this reallly.....

Hi Friends

Something strange is going on... as I told you earlier too... he tried to contact late at night few days back... but I ignored his calls... now... he came up online... but didn't say a single word to me... its been 2 days now... he came online and went off in evening before reaching home... earlier when something was going on between us... some issue or fight... he used to block me... it was his habit... but this time... he didn't block me... didn't even try to talk to me... should I take it as he has accepted that its over... or something is going on in his mind... his behaviour has made me think of him... its unusual... please throw some light over it... thanks...
I am feeling emotionally unstable with his attitude...i know i should not...but its like i m losing the strength which i gained after so much effort....what to do...i don't want to make any mistake now...

Block, delete, or cancel being notified he is online, and then his behavior will not e seen by you and send you into such a confusion. Why you have not done this already is what's confusing.

I thought of blocking him... and did it too... but for 5 minutes only... then I unblocked him... I don't know what it was which made me do that... but I simply couldn't and I myself went offline and didn't log in for many days... so that I can't see him... and when I went online... it was his behaviour... which I explained already... I don't know... something inside me stops me blocking him... I know its not right for me... but this is the fact... its true I don't want to get into this... want to come out of this forever... but... do I need to see a psychiatrist to deal with this issue?. I want to leave him... but deep inside my heart... may be he is still there... its a difficult situation for me... thankfully... NC is still on... I have started taking pills at night to get proper sleep... and day time... I m at work... and have wonderful colleagues/ friends... somewhere... my heart aches... I lost my first love... I never wanted to be with him again when he dumped me heartlessly and married to that woman... but he convinced me somehow... and before I could understand and take a decision... I was in this relationship with him with his benefits... and my losses... anyway... that's what I need to forget... I m in need of serious help... my sub-conscious still wants him... and its his life reality... which makes me to run far away from him... I m fighting with myself... but I have promised myself... I m ready to suffer like this... but I will not be in such a compromising relationship... I won't compromise now... not anymore... it hurts... hurts lot...

I am sensitive to your pain but BLOCK him now and skip the drama and misery YOU are causing yourself. Its cheaper than a shrink.

I'm doing it Tal... Blocking him...

This has gone on far too long. The OP needs professional help, more than we can give. Therefore, this thread is now closed.

To the OP... Please seek professional counseling.

I encourage you to start a new thread broken_heart, if you need further encouragement from your friends.