My husband gets turned on by watching gay porn and he has even used gay scenarios to increase stimulation for himself when we have had sex. When I ask him if that means he is gay he says "no", that it's just something different. However, he doesn't get stimulated any other way ultimately.

Hi Luvtoshop,
This is a really difficult question to answer. Though most people choose to readily identify as heterosexual or homosexual, to some degree this does go against natural curiosity, and in some cases impluse. Humans are in fact the only animals know to exhibit strict behavior from one end of the spectrum.
It wouldn't be any more unusual for a man than a woman to at some point in his life question his sexuality, and perhaps even strongly fantasize about what such an experience might be like. Though most "straight" men, even if they weren't to repress such potential thoughts, would in many cases be quite reticent to share or express them. As well though, not everything people fantasize about would they necessarily want to live out in person.
Certainly your husband is very openminded, and if decidedly and dedicatedly heterosexual, quite comfortable in both himself and his own sexuality. And that is good. What would be of some concern to me though, is if in fact he does consistently need such fantasies to become adequately aroused. Technically, this would to border heavily on definition as a fetish, were one to frame it in a slightly different manner other than sexual orientation.
Having known many gay men, even one who was formerly married to a woman, I can tell you that most gay men, though not necessarily revulsed or aversed would likely find little thrill or enjoyment in heterosexual intimate relations. And though the fantasy may hold great power for him, I would imagine it would likely be relatively difficult for him to remain adequately aroused throughout the sexual act, if in fact he were so openly honest with himself, as his viewing habits might seem to indicate.
My best guess? He may have natural bisexual tendencies. Women may here be his dominant preference -- or he may in fact simply gratify or serve different of his needs via his fantasies, be those needs sexual or emotional/psychological, as this can often be the case with people who desire both sexes.
I wish I could give you a more succinct answer. The best I could tell you is that, if the fantasies continue to dominate your relationship, possibly at the expense of your feeling desirable as a woman, or focused upon as his chosen partner and love interest, seek the highly qualified advice of a marriage counselor. He's doing neither one of you a great service if he is in fact hiding the greater part of his attractions.
Best of luck. Take care.

I will have to say "who knows" many men refuse to admit or accept any homosexual feelings since they want to be a "real man" they have many terms for it, in some this refusal is called being on the "down low" when they do have homosexual sex but refuse to admit it and still refuse to say they are homosexual.

But then various people have different sexual desires, some like to dress up in costumes and more.

I agree with both posters above. I guess one question is, is this becoming a problem for you in your marriage? The other is, what does your gut tell you?

If this is becoming a problem in your marriage, and your gut instinct is that he may be a man who is struggling with homosexuality, I would take Thomas's advice and seek a marriage counselor. You both need help from an objective third party to understand what exactly is happening here, if it is something that you can work with to strengthen your marriage or, if there is something deeper to your husband's desires that needs to be addressed. Good luck honey.

I've always thought that sexuality is something that needs to be defined in two different ways. First in the physical sense, then in the emotional sense. These are very different aspects, although for many people, the two are closely related.

The physical sense has an obvious definition: What gender(s) does an individual find sexually attractive?

The emotional sense is a bit more abstract, in that emotions are based more on the individual than on a single aspect of that individual. However, we are more likely to form an emotional attachment to people of a certain type, as witnessed by looking at the dating history of the average person: There will usually be a noticeable similarity between many of the individuals dated. This goes to personality as much as to physical characteristics as well. Gender is, when it comes down to it, simply one more aspect of the person, no different from hair color or taste in movies.

For your husband, the physical side of things appears to be largely homosexual, although this may be a temporary thing for him. The emotional side, which is the more important one for your relationship, is unknown to us... that's something that you'll need to find out together. His physical sexuality may just be a quirk that will take some getting used to.

Does he take into consideration your sexual disires also? Also as Ruby said, is it a problem in your marriage?

You are probably feeling a little emotionally betrayed, as your husband cannot be aroused by you without extreme role playing in a role outside your marriage construct. I'm not going to judge role playing generally speaking... I think its normal and healthy for a person to need to use some imagination sexually.

Lets say the role playing was extreme aggressive behavior. As in bondage and perhaps violent sexual aggression. Some would be turned on by this. Some would be frightened, thinking it was more like rape. I dated a girl who liked hands around her neck with some pressure and some stronger sexual aggression at the right times. Just pushed her over the top. Some of it was a little disconcerting at first, but when I understood the boundaries, it became a "normal" part of our sex. But I later dated a woman who had been sexually abused. Do this to her and I know she would have been torn apart emotionally.

So it comes down to you, in part. Just because he needs this doesn't mean you need this.

Do I think he's gay. Well, I'm not attracted to men at all, so I can't really draw a line for what is gay versus gay-role playing... again, just because I had some aggressive sex with a girl doesn't mean I would do that to another women without her consent. It doesn't mean I would rape.

But... and I'm sure this is cause I'm a straight guy... I find it hard to be OK with his desires. I don't get the guy who likes to wear women's clothing. There are a lot of things I just don't get, and sexuality is complicated.

So... I guess I'm not too helpful after all. Is he gay? Boy, sure seems like he's trying to have both worlds... the outward life of a heterosexual and the bedroom life of a gay man. That sounds like a guy who might be in the closet. Or who simply might be turned on by "alternative" role playing. Sorry that I can't tell you where the "line" is.

I don't know why so many people are beating around the bush. Your husband is 100 and ten percent gay. You know it too you may be in denial, but the signs are as red as can be. Think about the downlow situation, and know that it is singlehandly blamed for the alarming rate of AIDS/HIV in the African American community.

Not at all gay unless he feels some sort of attraction towards men on an emotional level.

Wife likes to male gay porn, I can take or leave it but some is OK, we watch it on occasion since she likes it while we watch some I like at others and neither one of us questions our heterosexuality at all.

Have you ever asked him if he has ever considered making these fantasies a reality? Have you told him how this makes you feel? I have to admit I would be concerned if it is getting to the point where he needs to have that kind of fantasy to become aroused. He obviously has some bi-sexual tendences however small but I don't think for a second this would be enough to necessarily make him unfaithful any more than it would if he was thinking about younger women or glamor models occasionally.
Communication is the answer here.

First I apologize for being rude or harsh. None of the other answers were based upon fact either. I just believe in the statement if it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, and swims like a duck then it is probably a duck. He is quacking, walking and swimming. I can't say 100 percent that he is gay, but I this ligitimates an investigation by your part. You don't have to be in a community to be at risk to the same outcomes of that community. We have to learn from the mistakes of others of suffer their outcome. Researchers estimate that if there is not a dramatic change in the rate of HIV/AIDS infection really soon that by 2020 there will be close to 40% of the earths population infected.

There is a possibility that he is, but there is also a possibility that he is telling the truth about trying something's different. I have heard of people being turned on by watching animals have sex. That doesn't mean that they would go out and have sex with an animal. That is something wort looking into. If he is gay would he actually admit to it? If there are other signs then seriously look into it.

Ahawk, Your answer this time was much more productive. I agree that Aids and other STIs are a serious problem that must be addressed. I am from England (I'm not sure about everyone else, but I'm guessing most of you are American) and we have a huge problem. It isn't that bad now but it is spreading at an alarming rate. However, I genuinely believe the reason we have such a problem is that people aren't receiving a good enough education on the risks. Out dated opinions that homosexuality is the route of the problem only make this worse. Straight males kid themselves that because they are not having sex with man they are safe. I hear time and time again from boys that they thought 'she was a nice girl' and she was on the pill so they didn't use protection. My point is that even if this man was gay (which you do not know), and having homosexual affaires (which is a very unfair assumption to make) and not using contraception (which is also unfair to to say) and he has HIV (Really unfair to say) and he is having unprotected sex with his wife (Ok, that is likely but not definate) and he has passed it on to her (in that situation it would be likely but not guarenteed) he would still not be any more responsible for the 'problem' than a twenty year old man who had sex with only two people in his whole life but had unprotected sex with both. Your answer was offensive and not helpful to luvtoshop but I am please you are at least semi aware of the problem because very few people on this site seem to be

Oohh. Good one. Well, here is a perspective from a lesbian. I don't date men. I have had sex with a man once and it was the worst experience of my life and I would NEVER do it again. I do however get aroused at watching a man and woman have sex and in some cases two men. But it's all about what turns you on. The motion of a man and woman having sex is arousing and sexual sounds turn me on. I don't think you should be concerned. I think that everyone is bisexual and it depends on how strong the feeling is and whether you act on it. He may have fatasies about being sexual with a man but he doesn't want to have sex with a man he just may enjoy watching gay male porn. YOu never know. Ask him. But be careful because he'll probably get really defensive.

English Rose and AHawk, I truly don't think that people on this site are ignoring or unaware of the problem this world is encountering with AIDS or that it might very well be a problem for this couple. The problem here, on this post, is that it is unnecessary to bring it up. Why create a situation where the outcome will bring inevitable panic to Luvtoshop? Right now, at this point in her life, it will only create tension in an already tense situation.

AHawk, the poster is clearly upset. Most of us try to be kind and offer up productive methods to help someone get to the bottom of their problem. Is her husband gay as she asks? We don't know this couple. We don't know what is going on in his head. I am sure you know that some men like to dress as women but that doesn't mean they are gay. It means they like to dress as women, (for various reasons).

As Rose points out on this board earlier, communication is the answer. Obviously, there is a breakdown somewhere in the communication in the marriage or else she wouldn't be posting here looking for answers. The best way to get to the bottom of the situation would be to go for couples therapy where an objective third party can sift through all the surface issues and get down to the nitty gritty of what exactly is going on. If the husband is gay, he is avoiding it, or else he would not have gotten married and living a heterosexual lifestyle. Some people are so far into denial that they don't realize it. I know it is hard to believe but it really depends on what the guy's background is. If he was raised in the "bible belt" of the U.S. he has been told his whole life that homosexuality is wrong and he will go to "hell". What a terrifying image to burn into a child's brain. He might have buried his impulses. As I stated, we don't know this couple and have no idea what each has gone through in their lives, what is really going on in the bedroom and in their heads. We only know that they are having trouble communicating. During a marriage, people fall into patterns. If communication was never established properly, it becomes more difficult to figure out on your own, how to go about doing it.

So rather than trying to be couch analysts and telling her what we believe is going on in this particular situation, it is much more responsible for us to suggest to them that they seek out a counselor who will teach them how to communicate properly and will guide them to eventually figure out what exactly is going on. If the guy just likes gay porn and is straight, it will alleviate her fears and they will learn how to make this work in their marriage, if she can handle it. If he is gay, that will also come out in the counseling sessions and then they both have to figure out where they go from here. THEN, the issue of AIDS, will most definitely be brought up between them. Everything and every issue, has its place.

oohh. good one. well, here is a perspective from a lesbian. I dont date men. I have had sex with a man once and it was the worst experience of my life and I would NEVER do it again. I do however get aroused at watching a man and woman have sex and in some cases two men. but it's all about what turns you on. the motion of a man and woman having sex is arousing and sexual sounds turn me on. I dont think you should be concerned. I think that everyone is bisexual and it depends on how strong the feeling is and whether you act on it. He may have fatasies about being sexual with a man but he dosn't want to have sex with a man he just may enjoy watching gay male porn. YOu never know. ask him. but be careful because he'll probably get really defensive.


LOL TrippCity, although I agree with most of what you are saying, I have to tell you, I don't agree that everyone is bisexual. I have never been bicurious. I like men. Never had any doubts in my mind. No curiousity about other women at all. And, before you write me off as an "old staid ironmaiden" LOL, two of my brothers are gay. I guess the genes in my family were overwhelmingly in favor of sex with men. :eek: LOL.

But, you are right. If they have a problem communicating about the movies, you can bet your butt that he will get defensive talking about it or else she wouldn't be here asking for advice.

Hello luv:

As long as you think it's an either/or situation you're going to be wrong. Ain't nobody either/or. In fact, on the hetro/homo scale (1 being macho hetro dude and 10 being swishy faggy), most hetros come down around 2 or 3, and most homos around 7 or 8. Ladies and lesbos can be judged on the same scale.

As a side note: the more people protest that they're anything other than a 1, the more I put them at 5.

Therefore, your husband is just fine. Really, it's OK to think about penis's when he's doing it to you. They key, is that HE'S DOING IT TO YOU.

excon

excon, you know I am secretly in love with you, and I don't like to cause any discourse between us, but the OP never mentioned if the guy travels a lot for a living. How do you know that he is only having sex with her?

How do you know that he is only having sex with her?Hello again, Ruby:

I don't know. Maybe because he's married, in love with his wife, made a commitment to her and is an honorable soul. Not all men are scoundrels, Ruby.

Lots of fantasies remain fantasies and don't have to be fulfilled. Wouldn't it be cool, though, if she indulged him? Haven't you ever indulged your man? We all have our little things that turn us on. What's yours? Feather boas?

excon

PS> I love you too. But, be advised; I'm a number 2.375.

Hello again, Ruby:

I dunno. Maybe because he's married, in love with his wife, made a commitment to her and is an honorable soul. Not all men are scoundrels, Ruby.

Lots of fantasies remain fantasies and don't have to be fulfilled. Wouldn't it be cool, though, if she indulged him?
I do not think all men are soundrels. Far from it. But, I think in this particular instance we shouldn't assume anything.

Haven't you ever indulged your man? We all have our little things that turn us on. What's yours? Feather boas?
I think that is a bit personal to post my own indulgences on a public forum. Especially when the OP has a serious issue, it is not fair to her to get into my own personal life. But, feather boas :confused: Your age is showing, dear. If you are truly interested, we can have a private conversation about it.;)

be advised; I'm a number 2.375.
I am a bit obtuse. Don't know what that means. Are you giving me your measurement? My fantasies have been shattered.

It stands out when couples don't know how to talk to each other, whether it was that way when they were growing up, or a mistrust to open up. All the assumption can be eliminated just by honestly communicating with each other, especially when the problem is sexual in nature, and one partner will not open up to the other. It doesn't matter if this guy is gay or not, just the fact she doesn't know for sure is the problem. No communication, no relationship.

But, I think in this particular instance we shouldn't assume anything.Hello again, Ruby:

Quite contraire, Ruby my friend. Without ANY evidence to suggest otherwise, I assume he's a good man. Why would you not? Because he likes to watch gay porn? I think some of your prejudices may be showing.

In addition, I wasn't making light of her issue. Clearly, she believes it to be serious. I just don't think it is. What I was suggesting, is that SHE make light of it.

excon

PS> My measurement?? Ruby, Ruby, Ruby!

Quite contraire, Ruby my friend. Without ANY evidence to suggest otherwise, I assume he's a good man. Why would you not? Because he likes to watch gay porn? I think some of your prejudices may be showing. In addition, I wasn't making light of her issue. Clearly, she believes it to be serious. I just don't think it is. What I was suggesting, is that SHE make light of it.


I think we need to agree to disagree on this one excon.

My prejudices aren't showing at all. Since I do not know anything about this couple, I am not assuming anything. I will not assume that he has honored their marriage or that he is straight and just into gay porn. Just like I will not assume that it isn't anything more than what you are stating here.

It is obvious from her posting that she is upset and cannot make light of it, or else she wouldn't have posted. For us to tell her to make light of it, and assuring her that there is nothing to worry about, isn't constructive. If what you suggest is true, she needs outside help to teach her how to do this. The fact that her husband is saying he is not gay, and she is still questioning it, tells me there is a huge problem in their communication with each other. They have hit a roadblock in their marriage. Whether the problem is hers or his, is something that needs to be found out and then worked on. Thus, the suggestion to seek outside help.

Hello again, Ruby:

I don't think we disagree at all. In fact, as both you and Tal said, this is a communication problem, not a sexual problem. The sex is the easy part.

excon

Diseases aside...

I am 100% hetero, so is my wife. That doesn't change the fact she gets turned on by two guys going at it. She does however cringe at the kissing however. I'll watch it with her and entertain her fantasies... personally I'll pick a woman every time given a chance to do what I want with whoever I want. I've never done anything with a guy, and don't plan to. What takes place between a man and woman is between them. In our case we are open enough to try and discuss new things between us. Wife entertains my fantasies as well, FMF threesomes but that doesn't mean we have done those or that she is a lesbian, as she isn't. See my point.

I understand exactly what you are saying Smoothy. Maybe your insight will help love to relax and it will appear not to be as big a problem to her as she seems to suggest here in her posting, AND, as the love of my life, excon is saying.

In our case we are open enough to try and discuss new things between us....... See my point.Hello smoothy:

Yes, and now we all agree. The point is, you DISCUSS it. THAT is the difference.

excon

I hope they get some good counseling, and if he won't go then she still should. Your right Ruby some people have to be taught how to communicate.

A spade is a spade no matter how you look at it

If You Cop A Woody By Watching Two Guys Getting It On, You Are Probably Gay... bottom Line