For a woman who for the last few years of her life described herself as bi-sexual just because of something that happened in her teens and having a "Girl crush" on one of her best friends that led people to make her think she was bi I'm extremely confused now.

Let me describe my life, I can remember my first crush, and that was on AJ from the backstreet boys and later orlando bloom. I would gossip about men with my friends and even argue over who was cuter with one of them. At school dances I'd always wish a guy would dance with me as I stood off to the side, only to be disappointed because boys thought I was weird.

The first person I kissed, was my friend, a guy friend, who ironically turned out to be gay and came out a few years later. This best friend of mine who I had this "Girl crush" on I did love, but more like my best friend and sister. So yes in a way I did love her. She was my closest friend and I trusted her more then I did anyone else.

When we were 15, we were simply role-playing characters in our stories and she was the one who started it. It was nothing more then kissing, breast touching, and grinding. We never really got full naked and never anything below the waist. And I looked forward too it... but now that I think about it, I mainly looked forward to it because I LOVED the pleasure. For that I thought I was addicted to sex. But you see, I have OCD, and more importantly I suffer from sexual obsessions.

It went on for a year till we stopped being friends over a fight.

I've had same-sex fantasies as well but it only involved my best friends I have now and even then I knew I wouldn't do anything with them they were just fantasies and every fantasy was them doing something to me.

When I imagine going down on a girl, it just doesn't appear in my mind, but I can imagine going down on my boyfriend and have plenty of times.

Before any ask, what I suffer from this theme of OCD is real

Gay OCD / HOCD / Sexual Orientation OCD - Part 1 | OCD Center of Los Angeles (http://www.ocdla.com/blog/sexual-orientation-hocd-gay-ocd-treatment-1010)

Now again I enjoyed times with my boyfriend in the past, I've been turned on by his moaning for trying out loud and for years I'm had a preference for men.

Strong bone structure, beard, long or curly hair.

How can a woman whose had a preference for beards be gay?

When I've looked at a woman I've never got the idea where I thought what it would be like to date her, but I have had that with other men who have been nice to me.

I want to stick by the saying "Love the person, not the gender"

And when I think of having sex with my boyfriend this thought pops up "Pretend he's a woman" and it upsets me but also at the same time it doesn't.

When I look at a woman I don't really feel attracted other then yes she's attractive.

But my brain is a broken record.

Sex is sex right?

Also I don't get turned on by a mans penis I never found it attractive and that's what made me think I was different. And yet I always loved the upper part or a mans if it's muscular. I'm also worried because I don't feel pleasure through pentration and remembering past sexual events with my boyfriend its like a mental block.

I don't want to be gay, not because I'm scared, but because it's not something I really want.

Does my fun at 15, fantasies, and images in my head make me gay even though I always had a preference for certain men and can enjoy the thought of sex with men?

I can definitely relate. I'm bisexual and I over analyze everything/ have obsessive thoughts. I obsess about everything in general but in the past I've obsessed about whether I'm bisexual or gay. I know I'm bisexual when it comes down to it but just the fact that I also like women has freaked me out and made me think "does this mean I'm gay?" I'm totally attracted to certain types of men and very attracted to my husband (and love being intimate with him). But because I'm also attracted and fantasize about women occasionally and notice them.. it has worried me. Not really so much now, but I definitely went through years of worrying about what category I fit most. But also maybe a lot of bisexuals go through this? I know there is supposed to be a scale of sexuality, but people who are extremely straight or extremely gay I think might have it easier. They don't have to second guess what they are.

I don't really have much advice. I still do go through this but it's gotten much better. I almost always watch lesbian porn, but in real life I'm totally turned on by my husband. And I was definitely attracted to all of my past boyfriends. But I never really got to experience being with a female much at all. I only had sex with 1 girl one time and I was so shy at the time and uptight that I couldn't fully enjoy myself. I know I really liked it, I was just super nervous the whole time. Then I met my husband, and I never got a chance to be with a woman again. So I think part of my obsession is that I never got to really experience being with a woman fully. So my worry has been "well what if I would have ended up liking being with a woman more?" Because I never got to date one. But I can't really imagine having a woman as my "life partner" or long term relationship, I don't think. I've only been able to imagine myself marrying a man. But again maybe that's because I never did date a woman.

See? I can relate! I totally over analyze things. But when it comes down to it I love my husband, love being intimate with him, love spending my time with him, I can't imagine living my life with anyone else. I do wish I got to experience being with women more before I met my husband, then maybe I would have gotten it out my system. Or been able to know fully how I feel about being with a woman. But I always think even if I did end up dating women before my husband, I still would've wanted to end up with him.

Oh 1 thing that helped me get over it is that I've had crushes on a few women over the years, especially when I first meet them (I always talked to my husband about these crushes). Well over time of hanging out with them I still would be attracted to them but it wasn't as strong. And the thing that made me feel better is I let myself try to imagine being in a relationship with them (if I was single) and I never could imagine it. For one reason or another me and that particular woman wasn't a right "fit", I knew it wouldn't work out. All I wanted to do was just have sex with them and that was it. Maybe it has just been that I haven't come across the "right" woman for me. But hey, that is a very good thing since I'm married! So now I tend to not even look at women like that so much. It's possible that I let myself obsess/ worry about it so much that I got over it. Does that make sense? Or maybe after so long of knowing you're bisexual you become at peace with it so you stop thinking about it so much.

This is probably not much help! But you aren't alone. :-) I think if anything we need to practice not obsessing/ over analyzing everything. But that's easier said than done!

You sound straight who has tried some same sex, enjoyed some, but not wanting full same sex relationshp.

It sounds like you have labeled yourself ( perhaps incorrectly) have bought into "sex is sex" and honestly just don't believe it personally any longer. You are not wanting to admit you are not bi. It is not wrong to not want same sex, the majority of people are like that. Does not mean that they have some fanticy, or some attraction to others, but no sex desires for same sex.

It appears you want to be bi so back, have delcared it and now feel bad since you are not really that way.

This is the issue of adapting lables as a teen, hormones and relationships are experimental, and we are finding roles there, not declaring them

I can definitely relate. I'm bisexual and I over analyze everything/ have obsessive thoughts. I obsess about everything in general but in the past I've obsessed about whether I'm bisexual or gay. I know I'm bisexual when it comes down to it but just the fact that I also like women has freaked me out and made me think "does this mean I'm gay?" I'm totally attracted to certain types of men and very attracted to my husband (and love being intimate with him). But because I'm also attracted and fantasize about women occasionally and notice them..it has worried me. Not really so much now, but I definitely went through years of worrying about what category I fit most. But also maybe a lot of bisexuals go through this? I know there is supposed to be a scale of sexuality, but people who are extremely straight or extremely gay I think might have it easier. They don't have to second guess what they are.

I don't really have much advice. I still do go through this but it's gotten much better. I almost always watch lesbian porn, but in real life I'm totally turned on by my husband. And I was definitely attracted to all of my past boyfriends. But I never really got to experience being with a female much at all. I only had sex with 1 girl one time and I was so shy at the time and uptight that I couldn't fully enjoy myself. I know I really liked it, I was just super nervous the whole time. Then I met my husband, and I never got a chance to be with a woman again. So I think part of my obsession is that I never got to really experience being with a woman fully. So my worry has been "well what if I would have ended up liking being with a woman more?" Because I never got to date one. But I can't really imagine having a woman as my "life partner" or long term relationship, I don't think. I've only been able to imagine myself marrying a man. But again maybe that's because I never did date a woman.

See? I can relate! I totally over analyze things. But when it comes down to it I love my husband, love being intimate with him, love spending my time with him, I can't imagine living my life with anyone else. I do wish I got to experience being with women more before I met my husband, then maybe I would have gotten it out my system. Or been able to know fully how I feel about being with a woman. But I always think even if I did end up dating women before my husband, I still would've wanted to end up with him.

Oh 1 thing that helped me get over it is that I've had crushes on a few women over the years, especially when I first meet them (I always talked to my husband about these crushes). Well over time of hanging out with them I still would be attracted to them but it wasn't as strong. And the thing that made me feel better is I let myself try to imagine being in a relationship with them (if I was single) and I never could imagine it. For one reason or another me and that particular woman wasn't a right "fit", I knew it wouldn't work out. All I wanted to do was just have sex with them and that was it. Maybe it has just been that I haven't come across the "right" woman for me. But hey, that is a very good thing since I'm married! So now I tend to not even look at women like that so much. It's possible that I let myself obsess/ worry about it so much that I got over it. Does that make sense? Or maybe after so long of knowing you're bisexual you become at peace with it so you stop thinking about it so much.

This is probably not much help! But you aren't alone. :-) I think if anything we need to practice not obsessing/ over analyzing everything. But that's easier said than done!

It's good to know there's someone else out there that can relate, another problem of mine is that this is my first ever boyfriend and I never let that bother me even though I always thought "What would it be like" to be with this or that man if they were nice to me. I NEVER got that with a woman, maybe the girl I experimented with but that was it. And it was fleeting.

My boyfriend said once I could kiss a girl if I wanted but I never got the urge too do it. Not with anyone else since that girl I was friends with. I read somewhere that women's sexuality is more fluid then men's from a 10 year study of it. Besides when my obsessing started I never gave any thought to my sexuality.

Hell I even imagined what it would be like to have sex with this guy friend that I knew even when I was with my boyfriend at the time. But fantasy is fantasy right? They say, that same-sex fantasies are perfectly normal and healthy and I would be able to see this if it weren't for my disorder.

When I look at a woman I don't really feel any attraction other then the woman is good looking.

When I see a good looking man I smile.

Like I said when I pictured my life it was with a man. Hell I could picture out my wedding in detail. I regret what happened in my past and wish there was a way to forget about it.

I also have ROCD which is doubting my feelings and attraction to my boyfriend, it's the first theme of my OCD I had before HOCD.

See, I see the logic but there is no fighting OCD because OCD cheats is the saying to go by. They say be with who you want to be with. And if being with a man is what I want I do that. I can't seriously see a relationship with a woman, every time I even get close with a woman the feelings I have are emotionally close to sisterly or sometimes as my friends joke motherly love and protectiveness.

I use to joke and say when men are acting stupid that, that's why I'm bi.

I even once thought "If I'm bi why have I only really been attracted to men" before.

I want to pull my hair out of my head

It's good to know there's someone else out there that can relate, another problem of mine is that this is my first ever boyfriend and I never let that bother me even though i always thought "What would it be like" to be with this or that man if they were nice to me. I NEVER got that with a woman, maybe the girl i experimented with but that was it. And it was fleeting.

My boyfriend said once I could kiss a girl if i wanted but I never got the urge too do it. Not with anyone else since that girl I was friends with. I read somewhere that women's sexuality is more fluid then men's from a 10 year study of it. Besides when my obsessing started I never gave any thought to my sexuality.

Hell i even imagined what it would be like to have sex with this guy friend that I knew even when I was with my boyfriend at the time. But fantasy is fantasy right? They say, that same-sex fantasies are perfectly normal and healthy and I would be able to see this if it weren't for my disorder.

When I look at a woman I don't really feel any attraction other then the woman is good looking.

When i see a good looking man I smile.

Like i said when I pictured my life it was with a man. Hell i could picture out my wedding in detail. I regret what happened in my past and wish there was a way to forget about it.

I also have ROCD which is doubting my feelings and attraction to my boyfriend, it's the first theme of my OCD I had before HOCD.

See, I see the logic but there is no fighting OCD because OCD cheats is the saying to go by. They say be with who you want to be with. And if being with a man is what I want I do that. I can't seriously see a relationship with a woman, every time I even get close with a woman the feelings I have are emotionally close to sisterly or sometimes as my friends joke motherly love and protectiveness.

I use to joke and say when men are acting stupid that, that's why I'm bi.

I even once thought "If I'm bi why have I only really been attracted to men" before.

I want to pull my hair out of my head

Thanks for posting that article! It was interesting and I can definitely relate.

To me it sounds like you're bi, but you're definitely more attracted to men. But any same sex thoughts scare you because it makes you worry if you're gay. And it truly sounds like you're not! Try to tell yourself it's okay to have any same sex thoughts that pop up. I think the more you embrace it and are okay with having bi thoughts the less you'll obsess over it. And like you said women's sexuality is said to be more fluid than men. I'm sure even straight women have had same sex thoughts occasionally.

I don't think you should regret your past experience with your friend when you were 15. I wish I got to experience something like that!
How old are you now?

I first started thinking about women when I was 18 (I'm 30 now). The one time I was with a girl I was 20.

I love beards and curly hair on men too! (I loved Frodo in lord of the rings! Ha)

Thanks for posting that article! It was interesting and I can definitely relate.

To me it sounds like you're bi, but you're definitely more attracted to men. But any same sex thoughts scare you because it makes you worry if you're gay. And it truly sounds like you're not! Try to tell yourself it's okay to have any same sex thoughts that pop up. I think the more you embrace it and are okay with having bi thoughts the less you'll obsess over it. And like you said women's sexuality is said to be more fluid than men. I'm sure even straight women have had same sex thoughts occasionally.

I don't think you should regret your past experience with your friend when you were 15. I wish I got to experience something like that!
How old are you now?

I first started thinking about women when I was 18 (I'm 30 now). The one time I was with a girl I was 20.

I love beards and curly hair on men too! (I loved Frodo in lord of the rings! ha)

I'm 22 now.

I love legolas from Lord of the rings, and Aragorn, it's what I obsessed about for years I was crazy for them. I collected everything Legolas and especially orlando bloom.

And the way to get over OCD is to accept the possibility of uncertainty and I have tried and I was good for three months but then suddenly... I got better at first because my boyfriend left for five weeks after we had a huge fight and I was more concerned about my love for him and getting him back...

If I am bi I could careless. It's that I don't want to be gay and it's not because I fear how people will treat me, even if my OCD tries to tell me that it is, I'm very open minded and so are the people that I know.

I get this massive headache from the stress and I feel sick.

Whenever I try pcituring being intimate with my boyfriend now a image of a woman tries slipping into place.

I miss how I was before all this started. Nothing bothered me and now it's like I can't find the switch that was flicked that started all this

I don't care about being bi either. It's that if you let the same sex thoughts bother you it can mess with your head.
But the fact is, you can be in a healthy, happy, loving relationship and it's still normal to have fantasies pop up in your head during sex! Let your imagination run wild and don't feel guilty. And it's normal to notice and think about attractive people. It doesn't mean you're not attracted to your boyfriend or that you love him any less. You're too hard on yourself. :-/ Have you ever tried talk therapy? I've been wanting to go. I think it can be very helpful for this sort of thing.

I been thinking of therapy but the matter is money really. A lot of it costs like over a 100 dollars for an hour session something I can't really afford with bills and my medication I'm on and for food.

This whole thing is just so tiring and stressful. That it's taking a tole on my health now

Yea it can be super expensive. :-/ Maybe someone else will chime in with some good advice! Some advice I've heard is try to keep yourself busy and distract yourself when you start obsessing about something. Try to change the subject in your mind. I need to take my own advice.
Well I need to go to bed. I hope you feel better soon!