My (now-ex) fiancé and I were together for 3 years and have a 1 year old daughter. I'm going to backtrack now.

During the first 6 months, if we were drinking with friends. He and my best friend would flirt a lot. Ensued many arguments. There was an incident when we were first together, her boyfriend broke up with her because his friend of a friend said he saw her kissing my fiancé. I couldn't do anything but ditch the pair of them or take their word for it. I took their word. Another particular night when we had gone out clubbing, I invited my friend to come back with us later so she could stay out. But again she was draping herself all over him. I left, upset. She went back to my fiance's house and stayed the night.

Cue me, hysterical the next day accusing them of cheating. My fiancé told me he couldn't believe I would accuse them of that and how much I'd hurt him and how she was so drunk so he couldn't leave her and he'd just slept on the floor e.t.c. I wearily decided to believe them. I mean they were my best friend and fiancé after all. Around 2 weeks after is when I unexpectatly found out I was pregnant with our daughter.

That incident got brought up a lot for the 2 years following. It was a whole 18 months after that I saw them with their arms around each other when I returned from the toilet in the club for my 21st birthday out. We argued again.

I think in total I must have asked him about 20 times if he had ever cheated on me, each time he promised and swore on our lives.

Fast forward to Saturday and my friend came round. We'd be drinking. When she left I went out on a whim and said to my fiancé that she had told me they kissed. Then FINALLY 'I'm so so sorry it didn't mean anything'. I was referring to the original incident but the next day when I stopped being hysterical and asked him it turned out it was when they both went back to his house.

She knows I know, but I've had no contact not even a text to say sorry, this is the girl that was meant to be my best friend that I had lived with, got tattooed with. It was just all distressing. She is out of my life completely now. But I am only left with one side of a story which is my fiance's.

He says she went in for the kiss and he didn't say no. They kissed but then decided to stop. Again he swears, he promises, but how can I ever know that's the truth?

We broke up instantly as I found out. I kicked him out, he's moved back with his parents. I've not done much but sit and cry all day for the last 5 days.

Then I got invited around to a guys house last night to have a gaming night with his friends, cheer me up. I got drunk, stayed and we ended up kissing.

I told my fiancé what had happened today, but in some sense I feel like I don't owe him any explanation, I'm hurting from what he's done and I just wanted to not feel worthless, ugly and betrayed for a while. I'm not sure if this is wrong though? Because I feel insanely guilty and was even considering taking him back.

Obviously the fact we were a family makes the entire situation much harder. We're sharing childcare, I have 4 nights he has 3. I'm just so lost and confused and in dire need of some advise.

You made a choice based on lack of trust and what you saw. We don't know, you apparently still don't know if they had sex, once, twice, many times, or if they just had a drunken kiss that one time. You went out and had a drunken kiss. (Not sure why you would tell him about it, after you had already broken up. Breaking up MEANS you get to kiss someone else, a totally different story.)
Millions of couples all over the world deal with mistrust every single day. In an ideal world you speak of your concerns and then either believe what you are told and stay, or don't believe it and leave. I don't know what you want us to say. Maybe they felt that you had believed so many obvious lies over time that they could do whatever they wanted. Maybe they were innocent. YOU have to decide. We aren't there. You have lost all your bargaining chips, however, by contacting your EX (EX!) and confessing about last night. Maybe you should just take him back and start this all over again. Next time, don't do that.

Actually he came round to drop off my daughter and said it looked as if I'd stayed out last night and where I was. I just chose not to lie. I didn't contact him specifically to tell him.

You didn't have to lie. What you could have revealed or not was your choice.
I'm not trying to sound mean. But I think you are uncertain about whether you are guilty of unfounded suspicions, or whether you are justified and need to throw something back in his face as revenge.
While all this is normal and it's easy for me to judge, I do want to drag conflicted feelings out of you and into the open so that you can decide what to do. Which of the above do you think is you?

Given the questions I was asked by him it may have been just a *bit* difficult to lie. But it was my choice to be truthful. Yes I could have said 'I stayed at home' initially... but that's done, I didn't.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say 'uncertain about whether I am guilty of unfounded suspicions'? Are you saying he was suspicious, or suspicions I had?

I did tell him out of guilt, I think it's a common feeling for people who rebound too quickly to feel guilty about it, despite technically not owing faithfulness to anyone.

You didn't have to go into the kissing! You didn't even have to let him quiz you. You didn't have to lie but you could have said 'I went out and it's none of your business.'

'uncertain about whether I am guilty of unfounded suspicions' means you feel guilty about all the accusations you made.

I'm trying to find out if you need revenge or redemption (or both). If you kissed and told to get back at him, or kissed by drunken mistake and told because you felt guilty about accusing him. Not out of guilt for rebounding too quickly, although that might be there too. But underneath all this is the burning question: did he cheat or not? I think you need to find out, and to keep him at a very polite but reserved distance until he is willing to be honest once and for all, and if he still says nothing happened, then you break it off for good, or go crazy, or sign up for a daytime TV show where couples take polygraph tests.

I made accusations that he cheated on me with my best friend which were eventually revealed to be true so why would I feel guilty about that... that wouldn't even make sense.

It says in my post he admitted to cheating. I think you misread it.

Then you leave him alone. It looks like this thing with her has been going on for a while. Can you look past that and go back to him?
Keep doing what you're doing, sharing the parenting of your daughter. Don't do any more drunken kissing with anybody and get over this guy.

You will never make it work with him, for years you hounded this poor man for most likely nothing, and still not over it.

I DID read it. I didn't realize that you consider the one incident, the kiss he admits to because you tricked him into admitting it, to be 'cheating.' I thought you were all torn up with doubt about all the rest of the times you suspected them.

You treat this as a divorce with kids involved like many married people do and get beyond this confusion by separating what is good mutual parenting, and what is none of his business at all.

Those are the new boundaries you live within for a while until you have healed and accepted this failed relationship, and are ready to build a life that you enjoy without him, through the support of family and friends until you get your confidence and self-respect back.

I don't know if he cheated or not, but I do know that your choice of friends is rather suspect and you should have gotten rid of her when all this first started. Drunk is no excuse for bad behavior, or bad decisions and actions on her part, yours, or his. But now going forward you need a better plan than looking back at the past with regrets, and should look forward to what you should be doing for yourself, and not the failed relationship that produced a beautiful child.

In this way the dust will settle and you can get into a good routine to deal with whatever the future brings with no guilt, or regret and you may even learn from the past mistakes.

I wish you luck because I know being confused is miserable especially when things and situations have changed so much, and it's hard to know what adjustments to make. Let time do the bulk of the work for you and fret no more. Just work on your own happiness.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

Spot on advice. I wish I could give you a greenie on this one.

Thanks talaninman. Sound advise.

I've done a lot of writing the last fews days and calmed down to gain a bit more perspective. Yes I was probably hounding with asking him if he had cheated. I was going to say it mostly occurred after a separation because I wanted all the cards on the table before we started afresh, but I feel like I'm just making excuses for my behaviour.

But the real core issue is, whether I can forgive and forget him and my friend making out or not. And I chose not, I can forgive but I can't forget. And I don't trust myself not to throw it in his face. The trust has entirely gone. And it's no situation to put a child through.

He is a good father and I'm a good mother so we just need to focus on that now, and not who did what wrong in the relationship.

I'll never know if more happened. I'm just trying to get into the mind frame that I don't care and it doesn't matter now the relationship is over.