Hello all,
My aunt was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer last Novemeber. It is already spread throughout her body. I am used to seeing her this strong person, but now she is so weak. I can't really talk to anyone else about this because they are all avoiding it. I don't think that she is getting any better and it kills me to see her like this. She is my aunt, my favorite aunt and I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with this. Also it scares me because my son who is two is really close to her, and I don't know how to explain what is going on with her to him... he knows something is going on? Any advice?:confused:

robertsqueen, I am so sorry for the pain and confusion you are in and I am so sorry your Aunt is going through is. Cancer of any kind is a horrendous disease. I have been through it with family and friends, more times than I care to think about. So, I understand completely what you are going through and what your Aunt is going through. I don't intend this to be blunt but there is no other way around this. You are saying that she doesn't seem to be getting better. She will not get better. Stage 4 lung cancer that has metastasized to the rest of her body means she is dying. Since she has been going through this since November, it can be a matter of a month or two, weeks, or days. I am very sorry.

It is a shame that your family refuses to talk about it. Unfortunately, everyone handles death and dying differently. Even though it would give you great comfort to discuss it, it obviously is very painful to the other family members.

A two year old may know something is going on but he is too young to understand the concept of this kind of illness and dying in general. They haven't gotten past the ego stage yet. Meaning, he is only really aware of himself at this age. Everything is about him. He hasn't started really grasping the concepts of right and wrong and does not have the ability to intellectualized and make the connections in a conscious way. He is just understanding what a boo boo and an ouchie is for himself. This is way too overwhelming for his little mind to grasp now.

Just tell him Aunt ___ doesn't feel good and gets tired very quickly. And, just let it go at that. There isn't any need to get into details with him. Change the subject to something else. Two year olds don't dwell on things and will easily participate in whatever conversations you choose to have with him. You are his whole world and you are in complete control of it. When he is older, and he is able to grasp the concept of dying and death properly, you can explain it to him then. As a matter of fact, this is an excellent way of continuing your bond with him by explaining these things to him later along with talking about your aunt. I personally feel the way we honor those we love is to talk about the fond memories and funny stories. That is how they remain "alive" to us. Their memory lives on in us.

Regarding your coping with this, it is a little more difficult. As I said, we all handle this differently. What your Aunt really needs now is for you to visit and just talk about anything but her disease, unless she tells you she wants to talk about it. Be there for her as much as possible. This is an opportunity for you to let her know how much she has meant to you throughout your life and how much you love her. Give her a reason to look forward to your visits and a break from worrying about her impending passing. She wants someone to take her mind off it, even for a little while. Talk about the great fun you had with her. Remind her about any stories you can remember that will make her happy. Let her escape her disease with you (mentally) for a little while by talking of other things, current events, anything that she is interested in. Talk about her hobbies or past passions. It will give her so much comfort, and believe me, you will be thankful you did this later on down the road.

I don't know the entire situation and who is taking care of her, but if it is a family member, "babysit" your aunt. Give that family member a break to go shopping or take a long rest for the day. People forget that this takes such a major emotional and physical toll on the caregiver. They need some support too.

I hope this helped a bit. Again, I am so sorry about this situation.

Rubypitbull, Thank you so much for the insight. I am so glad that someone other than myself doesn't want to talk to my son about it. My husband does. Also it is very hard, and when I see her I don't talk about the cancer, I just let her know how much I love her and what a big inspiratuion she is in my life. Thank you agiain for the comforting words.

You are welcome robertsqueen. Anytime you are feeling sad about this, just post back on the boards here. I may be away for a number of days, but I will receive the update and eventually get back to you. Sometimes it just helps to be able to write everything down that you are feeling when you go through this kind of thing.

You are handling your Aunt the right way. She doesn't want to talk about her cancer. She loves you and I cannot stress enough how much it helps her telling her how you feel about her. In the end, that is all we truly want to know... how much of a positive impact we have had on someone's life that we care about. It is such a comfort to know that at the end of your life, you have done some very good things with that life.

Regarding your husband, tell him what I have suggested here. In addition, tell him that your son is just too young to empathize with your Aunt's situation and it would be placing too heavy a burden on his little shoulders. Empathy is an emotion that develops later on with cognitive understanding. It could scare him unnecessarily and do some emotional damage if he tries to force him to understand what is going on now. Also, your Aunt wants to see your happy little boy, not a little boy who will cry and get scared when he sees her, which is what will happen if your husband pushes this too much. I know your husband wants to do the right thing, but he really needs to understand that his son is not a "little man" and is just not old enough to connect all the dots yet. :)

I have good news. The cancer is starting to shrink... is that a good sign?

Yes, of course it is a good sign. I don't know what kind of treatment she is getting and I don't know if they have come up with any new treatments for lung cancer in the past couple of years. But, if she is getting the normal chemo and radiation, then her body is responding to it. For now. It means, if nothing else, it will buy her some extra time. Honey, please don't misunderstand me. I truly hope and pray there is a miracle here. I just want you to be aware of the fact that this happens quite often in cancer patients. Once the treatment stops, and it has to, because a body cannot take that kind of abuse for long, there is a relatively good chance the cancer can come back even stronger. I am not saying it will, but in most stage 4 patients, it does. I just think it is important that you know the facts.

By the way, the radiation is what really saps the strength terribly and is the cause of her being so weak and tired. It does shrink the primary tumor, it doesn't not take care of the metastases in the rest of her body. That is what the chemo is expected to work on in addition to the primary site. But, you can pray and think positive thoughts. I don't know how old your Aunt is and if she is a fighter, there is always a chance. Hope and faith is all we have.

The radiation didn't work for her, but the chemo is... how is that possible. Also she has cancer in her brain.. what does that mean? They tell me all this techincal term, and I don't understand it... so it helps to have someone explain it, so thank you so much for taking time out and helping me through this.

robertsqueen, I wrote a long and complicated response and lost it all before I could post! It is getting a little late and my eyes are crossing a bit. I will post back in the morning. In the meantime, I want you to look at these links on books. You may find it helpful to go to your local Barnes & Nobles or Borders bookstores. Any of the large bookstores will have a huge section with books on Cancer. Buy a cup of coffee and choose a few that look promising. Sit down and just look through them. Here are two suggestions for you:

Amazon.com: What Is Cancer Anyway?: Explaining Cancer to Children of All Ages: Books: Karen L. Carney (http://www.amazon.com/What-Cancer-Anyway-Explaining-Children/dp/0966782046/ref=sr_1_4/002-1687348-9266461?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1173490943&sr=1-4)

In my opinion, this book is THE BEST. There is a large chapter on lung cancer.
Amazon.com: The Complete Cancer Survival Guide: Everything You Must Know and Where to go For State-Of-The-Art Treatment of the 25 Most Common Forms of Cancer.: Books: Peter Teeley,Philip Bashe (http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Cancer-Survival-Guide-State/dp/0385486057/ref=sr_1_1/002-1687348-9266461?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1173490943&sr=1-1)

First of all, I want to say that I truly feel for you. I lost my father-in-law to lung cancer in December, 2002 and my husband to gastric cancer a month later, so I have a sense of what you are going through.

I think that each case of cancer is as different as the people who have it. Both my fil and my hubby had a strong need to talk about their illness. They wanted to be treated as 'normal' as possible. In fact, my husband used to say that he'd know when he was dying because that would be when I stopped growling at him! He so much needed to talk to people, but most of the family couldn't listen or talk about it, and instead they treated him like he was a baby. What is it that causes people to talk baby talk or yell as if people with cancer have lost their minds or at the very least their hearing??

We all (my fil, my husband and I) promised each other that we would only speak the truth, that there would be no secrets and that we would be open and honest with each other the entire way through. I kept that promise and it really helped them near the end. However, some people can't deal with that. In your original post you said "I am used to seeing her this strong person, but now she is so weak." Remember, her body may be frail, but the strong person probably still resides within.

My husband weighed over 240 lbs before he got sick. I hid the scales when he had lost 100 lbs. because it depressed him so much. Our adopted daughter was 11 when he became ill. We had 4 young grandchildren, 10, 7, 7 and almost 4. We were concerned that the kids would hear people talking about my husband's illness, so we were honest right from the start. We told them that Papa was very ill with cancer and he wasn't going to live as long as a healthy person.

I think our openness helped the kids. They were able to express their fears and ask lots of questions. Unfortunately, their dad kept them away from it a lot and when they did see their Papa the changes in him terrified them. I also babysat a 3 year old and a five year old throughout the ordeal. They often came with us for blood tests, etc. They, too, asked lots of wonderful questions and they were handled honestly and in as much detail as would satisfy their curiosity. Their parents later told me that they were so very thankful that we were able to be so open with the kids. The three year old lost his grandfather about a year prior, and the 5 year old lost his grandmother only a month or so after my husband passed away.

I don't quite agree with RubyPitbull about what to tell your son. I don't know if your two year old will understand, but he is really going to worry about getting sick if he sees her slowly wasting away and especially when she passes away! I don't think that a 2 year old needs lots of details, but I do think the word cancer should be used and he should be told that it's a serious illness and sometimes people with cancer don't get better. I also think he needs to know that he won't catch it.

However, you and your husband need to discuss all the possible things to tell him and agree on what you will say to him both now, and after she passes away. He will hear, see and feel your grief and if he only has been told that she was sick what thoughts will that leave him with??

I would ask your Aunt if there is anything you could do for her that will help her through this. Could you write letters to her friends for her? Is there anyone she would like you to call? Has she lost her hair? Would she like some nice new bright, colourful kerchiefs for her head? Would she like to talk about her illness, or would she prefer to forget about it?

If she is in stage 4 and the cancer has spread to her brain she might be having a lot of trouble remembering things or people. Maybe you could take photos of places or people that she loves and print them out with your computer printer and put them around her room with people's names and their relationship to her, or what this place is and some memory about it. She may hallucinate. If the hallucinations are scary ones, bring her memories to a better place. For instance if she is warm she may all of a sudden fear she is on fire. You can say, "No, Auntie, that's the warm sun beating down upon us as we sit in the backyard with a cool drink. See, look at the beautiful flowers in the garden!" Don't be afraid to laugh at and with her!

This will be a very trying time for all involved. You will need to feel supported by your husband and you will need an outlet for your emotions. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need, too. It's NOT selfish!

As RubyPitbull said, this can be a very difficult and wearing time for her primary caregivers. If you are able be supportive to them and yes, encourage them to get out for a bit, if only for a walk with you while your hubby and child spend some time visiting Auntie. Encourage your son to draw her pictures. Maybe she can draw with him? These too can be posted on the wall.

These are just the things that came to my mind when I read your post. My husband died early Sunday morning. He had been in a coma for several days, but when my daughter showed up with our grandkids on Friday night he snapped right out of it. He sucked on lollipops with the 3 year old and even got silly with him. After he died, my grandson climbed up on the cot with him and turned on the TV. We asked what he was doing and he said, "Watching cartoons with Papa before he goes." We didn't stop him... and now, at 8 years he still talks of what a wonderful time he had with his Papa the day he died.

Warm hugs to you. I know this will be hard. Just try to be good to yourself, too.

Love, Didi

PS... I am also available if you need someone to talk to. You can click on my name at the left and send me a private message or post here. Let everyone who is strong enough help hold you up.

Hugs, Didi

Thank you so much Didi and Ruby... I do think that my son knows something is going on becusse he is having a terrible time sleeping, and he wakes up screaming. What hurts me the most is knowing that he probably won't get to know her and the wonderful person she is... He will forget her, and even if I talk about her it won't be the same. It feels like everyday my heart is breaking more and more. I am just scared I have never had anyone close to me die or even be this sick.. and I am so angry... so angry... but I hide it not to upset others. Sorry I didn't mean to go on and on,

Death is the natural of all human life. You won't ever get completely over it though. Just pray and love her for her last moments because if you don't you'll have wished you did.
I'm so sorry for you. God bless you and your aunt. God will make everything all right he always does.

You may always send a privite messages to me, I understand human emotional pain and frustration.

From a helping friend,
Kriscool

Oh, heavens! Sweetie, you are not going on and on! This is a tough thing! You are trying to be strong, but maybe others are feeling the same way! Of course you are angry. That's a normal feeling and it will probably come and go for a long time to come.

Maybe your son is just picking up on your sadness and fears? What if you just lay down with him and say, "Oh, honey, something is bothering you. Are you worrying about something?" and/or even "You know, sweetie, mommy has been upset about Auntie lately. Is that making you feel upset?"? Of course he needs lots of reassurance right now, too... lots and lots of hugs and cuddles and "I love you's" will help a lot.

You know, he can know her and what a wonderful person she is. You can help that! Talk about her. Tell him about her, show him pictures before she was sick if you have them. Take him to visit with her, and talk about all the wonderful things she has done with them both! Write about her... just pick up a pen and start writing to your son all about your aunt... every single thing you can remember... why she is so special to you. Then, you can read it to him (and her!) and keep her memory alive forever.

Don't be afraid to take photos of her in her illness... they are all memories, and it will be the way he remembers her. Some of the photos I have of my husband during his illness make me cry... but it's a healing cry... they are memories. Photos of my grandson less than 48 hours before my husband died laying down with him and the two of them sucking on those lollipops!

Talk to anyone and everyone who will listen... and even those who don't! Talking is so healing. Of course you are scared and angry. You have no idea what to expect. You are trying to hold all your emotions inside! Let it all out in any way that you can. Write, cry, sing, relate stories, talk to yourself, talk to and cry with your husband, talk to or cry with your son! It really is okay to cry! Use this forum and write whatever you feel. It really is okay.

Do you have a close friend or someone outside of family that you can talk to? What about your family doctor or a minister? I used email to express my feelings. Do whatever you need to do.

I am here if you need me.

Hugs, Didi

Hello Robertsqueen.

I lost my father to lung cancer which spread to his brain, he was 57. We didn't know he had it until a month before he passed away and had he been diagnosed earlier he would have had treatment. In fact he started to rally and chemo and radiotherapy were offered to him.
I can remember seeing that weakness in him which you describe and even as I type this it is making me cry so please don't stop using this place as a home for your emotions. I've only just found it as I wanted some help for a gallbladder problem but I'm finding it very cathartic.

When my father died, my daughter was six and a half and my son was three. My children were a little older than your little man but maybe I could tell you how they reacted and it might help you to talk with your son?
We only had a month and so at first it was total shock and I bet it still is for you? My daughter was scared she could contract the cancer and I did not understand this fully until after my father had died. You think you've explained something well when actually you have not! My son wanted to see his grampy all the time and that included the day before he died. I had told the children that gramps did not look like gramps anymore because in my view he looked like a shell of the man I knew. My son went and sat on his gramp's bed kissed his sleeping head and said to me "What on earth are you talking about, Grampy looks exactly like grampy!" There's nothing like a child to bring you back to earth is there? I worried a lot about what I was going to say and in the end I should not have worried because there was nothing to worry about. Children handle the dying process and passing away so much better than we adults do.

A grandfather is a differing relationship to an aunt but you have a very close relationship with you're her. I have an aunt like that, she's more like my big sister than my auntie. I love her to pieces and I can't imagine how I would feel in your shoes I must commend you because you are coping amazingly well. I absolutely agree 100% with other posters that you must continue to talk and ask questions. Repeating it so that you hear it from another person who has felt the pain of losing a loved one to cancer.
I remember the fear I had all of the time because I did not know what was going to happen next and you're probably feeling the same? The worst part of this cancer was when it affected my father's brain. He was himself sometimes and then at other times he became this different person. It explained the weird mood swings from previous months which my mother had put up with but at that time it become terrible and he became aggressive towards the hospital staff.

I'm here in spirit for you and I hope it helps to know that another person somewhere in the world is thinking about you.
I would also like to say that you do not have to keep strong and you can have a good cry when you need too. It is important to let out your emotions and not bottle them up secondly make sure you have lots of hugs with whoever is willing to give or receive them. Human compassion is vital at this time as it will make you feel much better. I bet your son is a great asset in this department! My son is still a cuddler but my daughter is growing out of it and that's depressing. (oh dear) Do not worry too much about your son. He will be fine and remember it's us parents who worry too much sometimes. It's been over 8 years since my dad passed away and one of them will say "I miss gramps" and then that will be it. Sometimes we will talk a little and other times that's all that is needed. You sound like a fabulous mother so I say keep doing what you are doing. Maybe I've said something which might help you with your son or maybe not? I don't think you need any help to be honest, I'm just letting you know what I did with my kidlets because actually I spent so much time worrying about how they would feel when actually they were OK and it was me who was hurting and I should had spent more time on looking after me, hence why I said make sure you get lets of hugs! Lol

If I can help in any way then please ask. I sadly know how this cancer works and wish I didn't.

Sending hugs.

Well, robertsqueen! I think you are finding that this forum is a great support system. So, you have a number of people here who are willing to help you and talk you through this. It always helps to know that someone is willing to listen. I wish I had this outlet when I was going through it. Family and friends drove me crazy and most were not as compassionate as I needed them to be because they were going through their own confusion over the diseases. I paid a therapist to listen to me and help me find my way.

The bottom line is, we each have been through this and it has affected us in some ways the same, in some ways differently. It is the same with each person who is actually going through the process. My late husband didn't want to talk about it with anyone but me and the doctors. He was stoic to the end. He adopted the attitude that he wasn't going to let it get him down or beat him. He fought it until the end. My father was different. He was scared and let everyone know it. My grandmother, didn't quite understand what was happening. She was an immigrant to this country and although not without smarts, did not have the benefit of an education and couldn't grasp what was happening. My Aunt, told me that it was time, she was tired and had lived long enough. She made the decision she didn't want to go into the hospital again and turned away treatment, choosing to die on her own terms. My Uncle's was diagnosed too late and the breakdown was so rapid that he passed into a coma before we had a chance to talk about anything.

Our 3 year old niece came to visit and my husband didn't want us to get into anything too heavy with her. She just enjoyed the visit. She knew he was sick but that is all. She didn't ask questions. So, as with us, kids are different. I think Grammadidi might have hit on something with the possibility that your son is reacting to your emotions. Although she and I don't quite see eye to eye on the explanation to children, that is okay. Your son may benefit from her suggestions, and you won't know until you try. I personally believe there is a tremendous difference between a 2 year old's and a 3 year's old's grasp on the world around us. It may only be a year but a 3 year old becomes aware of things outside of their own world and is processing the differences between right and wrong and have entered the stages of cognitive thinking. In any event, take a look at those two books I suggested. One is for children and received high marks in the reviews. It may prove me wrong. The other is the book I used to understand fully what was happening. It is written for people like us that want to sift through the medical jargon and be able to speak about the illness with the doctors. It is the most thorough of all the books I read. You will get a really good explanation of what it is going on from beginning to end. It allowed me to speak intelligently with all the doctors and manage my loved ones' healthcare. It kept me focused when I really needed to be, and helped me make everyone as comfortable and out of pain as much possible through to the end.

Anger is a big part of the mix. So is denial. Expect your emotions to run the gamut. I have found for me, that it is hard to be compassionate with others going through this, at times. It brings back such emotions for me that it throws me into a depression. So, I have a tendency to separate myself and to be more clinical at times. It is my own coping mechanism.

So, honey, just keep coming back to the boards here. Don't think you are running on and be embarrassed. We have all been there and we don't view your postings as running on. We will all help you through this as best as each of us can.

robertsqueen, I had cancer twice and I've been through the chemo and the radiation. If there are questions that you want to ask you can ask me. I'm not shy about talking about the cancer experiences that I had. People automatically go cancer = death. No it does not have to be that way. I won't lie to you, brain tumors don't have a terrific success rate. It is getting better with each passing year as technology progresses. You said that the tumor is responding to the chemo and that is great news. She sounds like a fighter and you have to be. Don't treat her like an invalid though. If she is having a rough day then sit and chat or watch a movie together. If she is having a good day and her blood counts are high then go out for a mall crawl for a little exercise and social interaction. Help her keep up on her housework and help her keep her weight up as mich as you can.

Remember if you have any questions or your aunt has any questions, PLEASE ASK ME. I want to help.

Thank you all. I have a question. I am usually a very patient and determined person. But lately I seem to be distrated easily. An example of this is I am in college and I try to get all my assignments done early, but I just haven't had the energy or patience to get a big paper done. Also I am less patient with my husband and son. I hate the way I have been latey, but I wonder if it has something to do with what's going on.
Also my aunt has been crying a lot because she lost her hair. I feel so bad for her, and I don't know what to do. I bought her a hat, wig, and those things that you tie on your head, but I don't feel like I am doing enough.
She has a restuant that she owns here in town and I work there along with most of my family,but because of the medicine bills the resteruant is suffering. I work for free, so that my aunt doesn't have to worry about my wages. What more can I do?

Stress does that, sweetie. I expect that this stuff with your aunt is consuming so much of your thought processes and your emotions that you defense mechanisms are kicking in. You are also trying to work, go to school, be a mom, be a wife, etc. It is a heavy load!

My situation was different in that it was my husband and I had to focus or I couldn't care for him. I was babysitting between 1 and 6 children at any given time. I drove six kids back and forth to school three times a day, I had a special needs daughter at home. I became so strong and empowered during his illness. But, after my husband died... for a VERY long time... even now... I have difficulty concentrating, and find my patience is almost non-existent at times. Energy? I had all but forgotten what that was up until about a year ago.

Of course it has a lot to do with what is going on. I don't know what the answer is other than to take advantage of the good times and muddle through the bad. Speak to your professors and let them know what is going on and ask for an extension on some of your assignments. You might want to speak to your doctor about going on an anti-anxiety medication or an anti-depressant... just a mild dose to take the edge off.

As for your aunt crying... I remember oh, so painfully, the same situation. My husband, Terry... my Terror... :)... he was a big gruff, outspoken truck driver. He was kind of vain about his full head of hair and I remember him joking about how he would die if he started losing it as he got older and that he didn't care how much it was, that he would have a hair transplant. LOL... Anyhow, he was determined to take chemo 'just in case'... even though they told him that he had already lived beyond their expectations. After awhile there was a period of a few days where I realized that he was losing his hair in big clumps. I would cuddle up for a kiss as I discreetly would grab the clump of hair from his shirt or the back of the couch. When he woke in the morning I would snuggle with him for long periods so I could gather up as much hair as I could from his pillow. One day, he was watching TV downstairs and he decided to lay on the couch to try to get more comfortable. He fell asleep, so I used that time to do some household chores and start supper. All of a sudden I heard him cry out. I ran down the stairs and he was sitting on the love seat clutching a big clump of hair in his hand and crying like a little lost boy. I looked at him and he looked at me with such pain. "I'm really dying!" he sobbed. "Losing my hair just re-affirms it!"

I tried to turn it around for him, but I couldn't. You know why?? Because that was his release! Up until that point he hadn't allowed himself to grieve for himself. He needed to cry. He needed to be allowed to feel his lost hope, grief, fear, sadness, sense of loss... everything. The hair falling out helped him to do so. What can you do when she cries?? Do what I did. Just go to her, put your arms around her, tell her you love her and let her cry. Cry with her! Give her permission to feel! Holding all those emotions in will just shorten her life. The thing is, when someone is sick and/or dying a lot of people just ignore the illness or the pain... but it's there and it needs to be expressed.

robertsqueen... honestly... you say that you don't know what to do. You can't really do anything except what you feel is right at the time. You have done a lot just by trying to help her through this... by being there... by treating her like a human being! I truly believe with all my heart that this will be the greatest gift that you can give to her. Look, there are no marks for this by the big guy... there is no right or wrong way. Every single person handles it differently... and however you handle it is OK, because you are you.

You need to give yourself a break. You CAN NOT change this. You CAN NOT take away her illness, her pain, or the feelings. All you can do is go through them.

I DO know that your aunt doesn't want. She doesn't want your life to come to a standstill. She doesn't want you to fail your college classes. She doesn't want your son to suffer because you are getting all wrapped up in her illness. It's okay to have fun, to laugh, to plan for the future without her. She doesn't want your marriage to fall apart because you are unable to lean on your husband for support. I guarantee that the one thing she doesn't want is for people's lives to be in an uproar over her illness.

As much as your aunt appreciates and loves what you are doing, or even trying to do for her... I am sure that she would be able to be a lot happier if she were able to see you not wasting your life... living, enjoying, loving, being all you can be and more. Perhaps this will be her legacy to you. Use her strength to get beyond the illness and live. She will be forever grateful, I'm sure, to see that she has given you something so wonderful.

Love, Didi

WOW you are a star and I can only presume how proud of you your aunt must be.

What you are feeling right now is a grieving process because you know that something worse is going to happen that like Didi says you cannot change. Give yourself a huge pat on the back and remember you need to do some taking care of you too. I became very unwell in the couple of weeks before my father passed away because I was running around and not listening to my own body and me being unwell did not help him.
You need to be in tip top condition to cope with all that is thrown at you plus to cope with college AND to work in the family business! Does college know your about what is going on? I wonder if speaking to someone might alleviate some of the pressure you are currently under and lessen your workload? Being a mother, wife, student and worker - You are trying to do everything and if you're not careful you could end up dropping all those eggs your're juggling.

Now the relationship bit - I live each day with chronic pain and I know what it is like to be a miserable and extra moody. Trust me, if all is in general well with our relationships, our partners love us and forgive us a great deal and accept that sometimes circumstances mean we are not always sweetness and light. Wouldn't you forgive your husband under the same conditions? Your son is little and will not understand why you are feeling the way you are. A quick apology and cuddle and I guarantee he will have forgotten and forgiven you. Every parent in the world has snapped at their children occasionally and mine have always forgiven me. (So far!)

Keep talking, lots here to listen to you.

You are under extreme circumstances and you are beating yourself when what you really need is hugs and support.

Hello again. Sorry life is chaotic I have been meaning to respond, but school is back in session. I really do apprciate the fact that you guys are being so open, and honest with me. Its what I need right now. I have a question... is is normal for chemo to give you constipation? My aunt is suffering enough, and now she is so constipated. I don't know what to tell her to help her feel better and not be constipated. Any suggestion.
Oh yeah and between you and me... I don't think that she is going to get better. I have been watching her lately and it seems like her body is just shuting down. She is so forgetful and can't barley remember anything. My family thinks it's the chemo... I think that it is the cancer in her brain? What do you guys think?

Oh, yes... the dreaded constipation! Usually this is from the pain killers (especially morphine), but it can be from the chemo and inactivity as well. We used a natural herbal stool softener available over the counter which was recommended by several of Terry's cancer doctors. If she needs more than a 'normal' dose, that's okay, because the key is making the patient comfortable. At some point we actually used a prescription from the doctor, but it had a tendency to make him sick to his stomach, so we stopped using it. It was like cod liver oil and terribly disgusting for him to swallow.

It is difficult for cancer patients, because the chemo makes you feel like s#$t, but encourage her to eat lots of high fibre foods (bran, nuts, whole wheat bread, lots of fruits and vegetables, popcorn) and more importantly, drink LOTS of fluids! Tea or warm water seems to help a bit, too. Suppositories can be a real help. If she is able, it is important to get lots of exercise. If she tends to sit a lot, but you think she is capable, I would encourage her (go with her) to go for a short walk several times a day. Maybe this is something she'd like to do with your son? If she's up to it, any exercise that's safe for her to do would be great.

Your aunt should discuss this with the doctor because it needs to be dealt with quickly or could lead to her bowels being impacted. It tends to come back, so she should be open and honest with the doctor and ask if she can take more medication if the doses aren't working, etc. The constipation could also be caused by other issues that her doctor might want to explore (high calcium levels, nausea, other tumour growth, etc.).

Sweetie, do you want the truth? The truth is that "USUALLY" (I stress the word), when the cancer spreads from the lungs to the brain, they are not getting better. The chemo WILL take a whack at her, but it doesn't usually cause forgetfulness, loss of memory, etc. The stress can affect her ability to concentrate, just like it does you. Generally, at that stage, the chemo is done supposedly to make the patient more comfortable. With a less advanced lung cancer they usually operate, although not always. I'm sorry if what I say hurts you, but I will not lie to you. I know that you value the honesty... and you know you have lots of support here.

Hang is there. I'm here for you, as are lots of other people here!

Love & hugs, Didi

Hun, is hospice and/or home care involved at all?

Didi

I know that she is dying.. it hurts to be the one that knows, but today she asked me if she took her pills already.. and the other day at sons b-day party. She called bialy by her sons name... I just wish that people (family) would stop pushing her, and telling her lies.
The doctor gave my grandma a book to give my aunt on how to get her affairs in order, and my grandma won't give it to her. I just wish that everyone would stop acting like everything is okay and she is healthy. They push her to go shopping all the time. Even when she dosen't feel good. I don't think that's right. Then if she agress to go to one store, they have her out all day, then get upset when she is tired the next day. I AM JUST SICK OF HURTING, AND HER HURTING. I am crying, and I don't know why. It just hurts all the time... even when I am holding my son, watcing TV, anything it just hurts. Soryy I didn't mean to do that, its just that I feel like you guys are the only one that I can show my true feelings too

No, my family won't allow it... they think that she is getting better since the cancer is shrinking. They won't even talk about it.

Sorry to hear about your situation. I went through the same thing with my father. He deasprately wanted to give up but we begged him to keep fighting. In the end I realized the I was selfish for requiring him to endure pain an suffering that he could have easily avoided. Let your aunt know that you love her and you will suppor her despite the situation

Oh, sweetie, I am surrounding you in hugs. It is normal and natural for lots of people to pretend that nothing is wrong. It's their OWN coping mechanism. Without it, they would fall apart. If you come across that book, you might just want to pass it on to your aunt... or put it down somewhere where she might find it by 'accident'?? A lot of people feel that if the person dying doesn't know that they will fight longer and harder to get better, and that will keep them alive longer. Everyone is different... some patients benefit by knowing, and others don't. I always felt that the person dying might benefit from knowing, just because if there was anything that they really wanted to do before they died, but were waiting until they had more money or until the kids grew up, etc... that they maybe could do it while they were still capable.

I really think you need to find a booklet about lung cancer and/or what to expect when someone is dying (usually you can just drop into the chemo wing of a hospital and find one or ask)... and you might even want to drop in and ask if you can talk to your aunt's doctor or a nurse just to talk about your feelings (tell them your aunt is a patient and you just need somebody to talk to). They may be able to have someone from their social services dept. talk to you (they are so familiar with this type of thing). Also, you can still contact the hospice people yourself and tell them what is going on and ask if there is someone there that you can talk to. They are wonderful people and I am sure they won't turn you away. I would NEVER have made it through my husband's illness without them.

I know that your family situation is difficult, but can you talk to them at all about why they won't allow her to prepare for her death by at least reading the book the doctor gave your grandma? It might help you understand their thoughts on all of this.

Now, as far as your crying and apologies... hun... you cry all you want and do NOT apologize for allowing your feelings to come out. You are crying because you are hurting, sad, angry, grieving, feeling alone, and lots of other things. It's okay... it's normal and you do it all you need to. You love your aunt and it shows immensely. Losing her will put a huge void in your life so of course you cry. Wrapping my arms around you...

Didi

I would talk to her doctors but she is getting treatment in Denver, Colorado. The reason why she is getting treatment there is because Rapid dosne't have the right doctors. I just wish that my family would let me in and not shield me. I think that out of everyone I am taking it the best.. so why won't they let me help and be part of this? If I go and visit her, I am shooed out of there by my mother... it really frustrates me. I want to spend time with her, beucase I don't know how much time I have with her.

Again thank you so much for your support

Some of the chemo drugs will give you constipation. One of them is Vincristine. Ask her doctor about a mild laxative called senokot and ask about stool softeners like colace. She needs lots of fluids to keep the constipation from happening too. As much walking as she can do so that her bowels will be stimulated and she might be able to avoid the laxatives.

There are 2 different kinds of Senokot. Get her to try both and see which one works best for her. It is very mild, but generally works well without giving the patient diarrhea.

As far as your family... ASK to be let in. Take your mother aside and have a heart to heart with her. Tell her how you are feeling. Maybe they are just trying to protect you. Let them know you are an adult now and can handle more. My guess is, they just aren't handling it the same way, so if they 'let you in' they might have to 'feel' a little more and they just aren't ready yet.

It is difficult to balance it all because you don't want to create a lot of stress for everybody. Who is caring for your aunt the most, your Grandmother? I'd actually approach her first and foremost and try to appeal to her on an emotional level.

Try to remember they are all just trying to do the same thing as you... their best!

Hugs, Didi

I know... its just hard to see my family suffer like this. My mom is the main controller she is in charge of the resteruant and everything. I have tried talking to her and she told me that I am not mature enough to handle. It. It just really uspests me. It feels like a nightmare. And I found out yesterday I am flunking my housing and math classes. I never flunk... I don't want her to be disapointed in me. Also I fainted yesterday... is that normal?

Maybe your mother needs to do everything to keep her busy so that she doesn't fall apart.
Robertsqueen, you are under a lot of stress and things seem to be coming at you from all directions (like your school work). So, please take a deep breath. Go to your favorite spot and try to relax. Can you turn to your husband or is he having a hard time as well?
Its understandable that you have been distracted from your studies because of everything that's going on. So, take it one day at a time. Concentrate on your work and do the best you can. You will get through this.

P.S. Don't be afraid to let go and cry. It's OK.

Today my husband took me and my son to the state park... I think that he wanted to get my mind off stuff. We had a wonderful time.. and I joked and laughed like I haven't in forever. It was great watching my son every time he saw a buffalo. By the way those things are ugly... but the meanng of this post is that I had a good day.. I didn't go see Tammy because as much as I love her. I needed time away from her. Does that make me a bad person? Oh and I thought I was flunking math... but I actually have a D. YAY!

Hello again. How are you doing? I am all right... I finally had my breaking point. I cried and cried last night. I don't know why I am crying, its not like she has already passed away right?

Its good to have a nice cathartic cry.

I am so glad that you went out and had a good time with your husband and son. It is important that you keep your life as normal as possible. It's GOOD to laugh and have fun! You are NOT a bad person! Tammy would not want your relationship with your little family to suffer because of her illness. Always take time for fun and sanity. Oh, and the crying... so very normal! First of all, I think that having some fun MIGHT have made you feel a bit guilty. If so, really... there is NOTHING to feel guilty about! Secondly, I bet that the closeness of your relationship with your husband and son in the past few days helped you to feel strong enough to allow your pain to release.

No, she is not dead - but crying is not just for death. Remember, crying is about sadness, and when you experience loss (or impending loss) it brings up every loss you have ever experienced... not just loss by death. Your aunt's illness has brought out sadness about many things, and it's okay to be sad. Her illness makes you sad, the way other family member's are handling it makes you sad, your inability to help the way you want to makes you sad and your sadnesses of the past. It is healthy to cry when you are sad, and the more you fight it, the more it will affect you. Crying is a release of pain. Welcome it.

Oh, and glad to hear you aren't flunking math! Under this very strressful time a D is okay. Just do your best.

I think of you every day... always sending thoughts and prayers for you and your aunt... even when I can't be online.

Hugs, Didi

Thank you Didi you don't know how much you are helping me... I can never explain it to you... Today I find myself very moody and irriatble at little things that my husband is doing... things that usually won't bother me... are. Is this normal? Just the other day I was loving and now I just don't want to be bothered... I feel so out of wack.

Hi robertsqueen. I was out of town for a while and only got back online yesterday. Trying to catch up with everything.

Didi has given you the right info. You are going to have massive mood swings throughout this whole ordeal. Some days are going to be better than others. You will feel guilty. You will feel content. Some days, you will feel numb to everything going on around you. Your emotions are on overload right now. The chemicals being released by your brain and body are trying to bring you back to your normal status quo. They are trying to balance you out. You are feeling out of whack because you are out of whack. Very normal.

Did you get a chance to do what I suggested about going to the local bookstore and looking at those two books? Please do that if you haven't. You might want to add this one to the list as well:
Amazon.com: Cancer and the Family Caregiver: Distress and Coping: Books: Ora Gilbar,Hasida Ben-Zur (http://www.amazon.com/Cancer-Family-Caregiver-Distress-Coping/dp/0398072906/ref=sr_1_1/104-1495512-9688752?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1174394088&sr=8-1)

I found the best way for me to cope was to understand as much as possible about everything involved. From diagnosis to treatment, from the patient's perspective, from the caregiver's perspective, from the extended family and friends perspective. It is an emotional rollercoaster and you need to find a way to ride it as best as you possibly can without losing yourself and without this experience negatively effecting your life to the point that everything around you starts to fall apart. I can guarantee you that if you start doing a little research the things you are experiencing will make a lot more sense to you and you will have a better grasp of life for you at this most trying time.

I am not too surprised at your family's reaction. If your family is of the "old school" type that is a typical reaction. When I was young, the general attitude about cancer and illness by adults was a hush-hush kind of thing. The adults around us wouldn't tell us anything. They felt it was better for the children not to know of such things. Big mistake, but it was a different generation. I am a bit perplexed that since you are an adult, married with a child, that your mother is still treating you as one yourself. Her comment about you not being mature enough bothered me. Do you understand why she said this? Do you agree with her assessment?

There comes a time in life when, as adults, we have to break that parent-child relationship and bring it to an adult-adult level. Believe me when I tell you that you will find a certain strength and content in this. You and your grandmother and mother will be able to speak with each other on the same level. Eventually our relationships with our parent figures, all cycles around to where you are the adult and your parent is the child. Not that they are children per se, but there will come a time where you will have to take care of your parents due to illness. It is inevitable if they live out their lives according to the statistical info. They will need help as their bodies start to break down. The sooner you place yourself in the trusted position, the easier it will be for them to accept your help. It is a very complex psychological connection. But, my point here is that it may be time for you to have a good sit down with your mother. Explain to her that you resent being left out of this. That you love your aunt as much as she does and it does no one any good, especially your aunt, for you to be left out of the loop. You want to help. You want to be involved. And, you need to make your mother understand that your involvement will help take the load off her shoulders. Tell her you will not take no for an answer. Sometimes, the people carrying the heaviest load, such as your mother and grandmother, don't recognize what they are doing to themselves. They are used to handling situations and they continue in that vein. Until someone physical steps in and starts doing, they don't realize how much stress they have been under. They might resent it at first because they are used to being in control, but they will have no choice if you just start doing things for your aunt. It is hard letting go of the control, but outside of a spousal situation, no one really has a right to keep freeze others out.

Before doing this, please read through those books. The more information you are armed with, the more help you will be to your aunt, your mother, and your grandmother. If you can explain things to them that you have learned, you will find they will be more willing to allow you to be involved. You might be pleasantly surprised to find that before making any decisions they will be looking for your input. So, arming yourself with knowledge is the best "defense" in this situation. Just keep in mind that if they let you in, you need to be able to balance your own little family's needs while taking care of your aunt's needs.

I had a horrible nightmare last night about my aunt. In my nightmare I went with her to her chemo appointment... and for some reason she had to get bone marrow put in. Well they put the wrong kind in and she was acting all funny. They called her name and she says who is tammy scott and she didn't know anyone. Then she just started to fade away. Is it normal to have these types of dreams? What do they mean?

Very normal. The stress, every day issues, and the like, show up in our dreams all the time. Our subconscious has an interesting way of transposing our worries and concerns. You don't know exactly what the treatment is that she is having and what she is going through so your sleeping mind is filling in the blanks for you. You know that she is not responding to the treatment the way you had hoped and she is still deteriorating. So, your brain is translating your fears into this kind of dream.

I still dream about my husband, among the other family members that I have lost. Initially, my dreams were a lot like yours. Very much nightmares to me and incredibly upsetting. It took a while, but the dreams started changing. It took a long time for me to start having those dreams in which I was conscious in my dreams that my husband had died. In the dream I start to cry because I am happy to see him AND I cry because I know he is gone. I tell him that he died and he laughs and tells me that he knows and to stop being silly about it (very much his personality - always minimizing everything in a very humorous way), which makes me laugh and cry at the same time. Obviously there is more to it but, geez, I hate it every time it happens. The best ones are of my grandmother. She did some pretty crazy things in her lifetime and she is still up to her old tricks in my dreams! :)

I was just worried that I was losing my mind. It seemed so real and I couldn't stop her from fading. I couldn't sleep after that. Is this a sign that something is going to happen to her? I am just so tired... I never sleep anymore and when I do I have nightmares.

Unfortunately, the not sleeping and nightmares are a big part of the process when you are an emotional person. I had the same problem. Some people interpret their dreams as premonitions. I personally do not. I attribute it to our subconscious, as I explained above. I believe your rational mind is telling you that you realize, subconsciously, that she is dying (fading away). I am so sorry that you are struggling so much with this. It is never easy. Frankly, to me, death, dying, life- threatening illnesses, are the worst things for us to go through and cope with in life. Did you get a chance to take a look at any of the books I suggested? You might want to start with the last one.

Your dreams are a means of releasing your emotions and thoughts that you are holding in, and yes it is very normal. Remember, right now you have hundreds of thoughts, questions, ideas, etc running through your head. The emotions and stress of your day to day life right now have to go somewhere! You will find that if you are able to release your emotions while awake, your dreams will be more 'normal'. I think you need to talk to as many people about the whole thing and your own emotions as much as possible. Is there ANY way you can see a counselor? I still would consider calling the hospice and explaing the situation and asking if there is anyone who can offer YOU support! It's OK to need it, hun... it really is! Meanwhile, keep venting here, try to enjoy some normalcy with your husband and son, go for a walk, put as much of yourself as you can into your schoolwork without overdoing it, and talk to EVERYONE and ANYONE who will listen. Is there a guidance counsellor or someone that you can talk to at school even?

Warm hugs,
Didi

I am talking to a counslor through the college. She really helps but I still can't seem to get out of this funk. Tonight my son had a diarahea diaper at the restaurant... and it was everywhere and I got so mad... and cried. I don't know why I burst out like that, I normally wouldn't care. I just feel so empty and alone. You guys are great and I love that you guys are helping me through this. I am just so tired... I sleep maybe five hours a week. I haven't seen my aunt except in passing... like tonight at the restaurant.
My aunt tries to interact with my son... and it hurts so much because he doesn't want to go near her now... becuase she wears a wig. And I am crying now... AND I HATE IT... My heart is breaking so bad... it feels like someone is putting a knife through it... why her? What did she do to deserve all this pain. She can't even more her arm now because of the tumor. Why not the bad people in the world? I am so sick of life! Its not fair.

Well, sweetie, if you are only sleeping 5 hours a week no wonder you are such a mess! If you remember, right at the beginning of all this we all said you need to look after YOU first! You are no good to anyone if you run yourself down. Why don't you get yourself to your family doctor and ask to be put on a VERY mild dose of anti-depressant? If you take it just before you go to bed it will serve two purposes. It will help you sleep and lift you a bit. I know exactly what you are saying... I really do. I just recently went through the anniversary of my husband's death and the knife in my heart feeling came back real strong.

She didn't do anything to deserve pain. You are right, it's not fair. I know it is hard, but try to take something away from this to make your life better. Realize that what is important is not dying, but LIVING. Make the most of your life while you can. Try to focus on positive things, not the negative. This might sound harsh, but you must count your blessings at times like this. I'm not saying forget that your aunt is sick, but don't stop living yourself!

As far as your son goes, if he doesn't want to go near your aunt, that's fine. Don't force the issue. He might be reacting more to everyone's pain that to the changes in her, or he may just not recognize her. To help her feel better about it when it happens you can just say that he missed his nap so he's cranky today if you feel a need to make her feel better about it, but if he continues to struggle with it then don't include him in the visits anymore. Leave him with the pleasant memories, not frightening ones.

Please call a local hospice and talk to them about what you are going through and make an appointment with your family doctor. Tell the nurse/receptionist that it is a mental health appointment and they will book extra time with him/her.

Try to sleep. You really need it.

Remember, you have a lot of people trying to hold you up.

Warm Hugs, Didi

I really don't have a doctor... and no insurance. Ialso don't have much money right now. I wish that I could go to the doctor but I don't have the finances. I took today off school to catch up on sleep and life. Does hospice cost anything?

Today is a better day though... I don''t think that I am going over there... my son is really cranky and clingy and I think that he needs mommy time. Is this selfish?

No RQ, it is not selfish. You have a son that needs some mommy time. He should always be your main focus. Although your Aunt is important, your son is more important. He needs your attention more than anyone else.

Hospice does not cost anything. I don't know what kind of insurance your Aunt has but hospice is covered by all insurers. If she doesn't have insurance, is she on Medicare? That covers it too.

I can't remember which hospital you told us that your Aunt is getting treatment at, but you might want to call them and ask to speak with the Patient Advocate office. If they don't have anyone, which I highly doubt, ask to speak with someone in the administrative offices. They will be able to direct you to the person who can answer your questions.

In the meantime, please take a look at this site.

https://www.hospicefoundation.org/

Thank you so much Ruby... the website really helped me clear up stuff. I have another question for you two. Last night my aunt had people over at her house for dinner... and she kept on falling. She fell once and hit her head on the coffee table.. and then she fell again by the counter. Is this normal? I wanted to have her seen at the hospital but everyone insists that it is her medication. I am confused. Also she barely eats anything.. and says that everything tastes bland to her... is there something that I can get her for a treat that won't taste bland?

I am glad the web site helped.

Honey, it could be the medications or it could be the cancer in the brain that is causing her to fall. If she has area rugs, it would be wise to convince your aunt, or mother, or grandmother, to roll them up and put them away somewhere. I had to do that with my husband because his exhaustion made him drag his feet and he kept tripping.

Regarding the food, a lot of cancer patients claim what your aunt is claiming. Others claim that most foods have a terrible taste to them. My husband claimed meat tasted like what he imagined burnt rubber tasted like. This is caused by the chemo. It is explained and outlined in one of the books I suggested earlier. I know for my husband, the only thing he could taste was sweet. When he had trouble swallowing, I bought him Hagen Daz ice cream and that really rich baby yogurt (Yo Baby?). I tried to get as many calories into him as possible. You may also want to pick up some of those Ensure drinks. They have the vitamins and minerals she needs. They come in different flavors. Pick the ones she likes the most.

Hopefully Didi will stop by with some other suggestions.

It just worries me because her husband... my uncle.. we think is taking her pain medication so he is no condition to watch after her.. and what if she falls and seriously hurts herself?

She may very well be at a point where hospice needs to be called in. They send an aide that will be there 24/7 and help the patient with everything. If your Uncle is that irresponsible, the aide will also be the person monitoring the drugs. Your Aunt would be well served to have them at her home. They are really very nice people and a wonderful help to both the patient and the caregiver. If you are worried she will hurt herself and no one else is doing anything, as I stated earlier in one of my you need to start asserting yourself with the older folks.

I am trying to... but they said no to hospice... they think she is doing fine.

Well, RQ if you cannot convince the others to listen to you, there is not much more you can do, outside of calling the cancer treatment center she is going to and speaking with someone familiar with her case. But, I doubt they will just get on the phone and speak with you. They usually only speak with the people directly involved with the treatment.

You can suggest they pull up the rugs and make sure any sharp objects or tables be moved out of her path if she is having trouble navigating around her home. If the rest of your family thinks they have it under control you have to hope and pray she doesn't get hurt and that they will call in hospice when they feel it is time. Who knows? Maybe she is fighting them on calling hospice in and doesn't think she needs it yet. If she is refusing, they are probably afraid of upsetting her. Have you spoken directly to her about it? Go to the website I gave you and print out info that you think she will respond to. The best way to find out who is really in control is to go directly to your Aunt. Talk to her about your concerns. If she is comfortable with how everyone around her is taking care of her, you need to let it go and leave it to the others. The main objective in all of this is that she is pain free. That is all anyone can hope for in this situation. And, she will know how much you love her by doing this. Don't upset her. If she brushes it all off and doesn't want to talk about it or doesn't feel she needs it, don't push it.

Just keep being as supportive as you can to her and make sure that you don't neglect yourself and your own little family while this is going on.

I did print off some information on the website..and I am going to go over it with her when no one else is around. I went over to her house to move things around so that she will be more comfortable. She goes back to Denver today to get more chemo treatment. I just wish that she was better. I hate to see her like this..so weak and scared. When she does try to talk about it..no one will let her. She sleeps alot..is this normal also? Or is she depressed? Thank you again for your valuable imput and for taking time to help me go through this. I don't know where I woudl be without you and Didi.

Sleeping a lot is part of this whole thing. The drugs she is on do a number on the system. If they have her on pain meds, that contributes to the excessive sleeping too.

Well, it sounds like you are doing what you can. When you are alone with her, if she wants to talk about it, let her. If she doesn't, don't push it. If nothing else, at least you will know that you have tried to do everything you can do for her. And, I am sure she appreciates everything you are doing.

Hi RQ, Sorry, sometimes I have to back off a bit... lots of personal memories and pain. Anyhow, I was catching up and have a few questions. Who is your aunt with most of the time? Who is her primary caregiver? What role do each of the other family members all play?

From what I've read, Ruby seems to have given you great advice/suggestions. I guess there comes a point in time where you have to realize that the only thing you CAN control is you and your role in life. As painful as it may be, you can't tell your aunt's mom and sister that you, as a niece, should be listened to. All you can do is express your opinions gently and put some trust in God.

The falling, tiredness, etc. is probably a combination of the illness and the pain killers. Everything out of the ordinary will be rooted in those causes now. I think that you need to prepare yourself for what lies ahead and spend as much time as possible in ensuring that you and your own life is in order. Your son, husband, mother, grandmother, uncle... they will probably need you after all is said and done.

When my husband was dying some people did not agree with the way we decided to deal with the end of his life. All that really mattered to me was him - right or wrong, that was the choice that we made. I did get volunteers in to spend 'silly' time with my daughter so she could have as normal a life as possible. I know that my family were all dealing with the events of our lives in different ways. I just accepted their feelings, acknowledged their beliefs and did things the way we had decided. Everyone is going to do and say what they feel is best, but ultimately, unless you are the primary caregiver you just cannot interfere.

You might suggest a wheelchair or sturdy walker for your aunt - to her, maybe. I wish they would allow the hospice to become involved. Perhaps you can find out more about hospice and community care resources and pass the info on to your mom. They may not understand what is available. Regardless, though, the primary caregiver will make all the decisions and constantly butting heads with them is not helpful either.

Pour whatever energies you have into you, your husband and son. If there is more left, give it to your studies, then offer support to the family. Remember the adage 'Too many cooks spoil the broth.'? It will apply here as well. No matter what happens it will always be easy to find fault. Try focusing on the positives.

Hang in there... you actually are sounding stronger, so I think that expressing yourself, asking questions, reading information and focusing on your own little family and you is definitely the way to go.

Hugs, Didi

[I am sorry that I am causing you pain again.
the primary caregivers are my grandma, mom, and my uncle,.
I agree but they aren't accepting shes sick and are pressuing her to be the old Tammy...I don't think thats right.


I have so much homework right now its not even funny...and my son is sick so I have been taking care of him, but its late at night that the ache comes back.


I am getting stronger becuase you and Ruby are helping me understand what I dont understand.I can't tell you how much it means that you are there for me....and to be there for me even though you are hurting again....You two are like angels that are here whenI need you the most.

Just wanted to say that YOU are not causing me pain. Sometimes 'talking' and thinking about the past brings up painful memories as well as good ones. That's okay... if I feel pain then it means I am alive. The painful memories were things caused by other people - for instance giving my husband a recalled pain pump that malfunctioned and cause him to be without ANY pain meds for 24 hours only 12 hours before his death.

In addition, I am presently battling with vaginal cancer and some ovarian issues, so sometimes that causes me pain. Helping you (and others) is something positive for me. I just have a need to back off every now and again because I won't let myself be overwhelmed. My husband's illness taught me that I have to be a little more selfish from time to time.

I understand exactly how you feel with regards to them trying to pressure her to be the 'old' Tammy. Just please realize that while it may be a bit difficult on her physically, it might be helping her emotionally. It might fill her with hope, and hope can go a long way in healing. I just want you to expend more energy into ensuring that you are emotionally and physically healthy. This will help you more in the long run than all the worry and stress you are putting on yourself.

I am glad that Ruby and I are helping. Continue to concentrate on your homework and son. Set your priorities: 1. you; 2. son/husband; 3. schoolwork; THEN prioritize your other issues. Sweetie, you were strong right from the get-go. You just lost it in your pain and we are trying to keep it all in focus for you. Remember to carry Tammy's legacy for the rest of your life - her strength, her humour - all the things you love about her. Learn from it and teach your son those same values. If you don't look after yourself now, what will happen when Tammy does pass on? You must get your life in as much order as you can now.

Warm, tight hugs,
Didi

Hello again. How are you guys doing? I am not doing that great today. Today has been a hard day. My aunt is crying non stop and I feel so helpless. What can I do to cheer her up?

Hiya, RQ... Maybe you don't need to cheer her up. She may just need to cry. If you are going to be with her and she is crying, just go over and put your arms around her and say nothing for awhile. Then say, "I love you."

That should help a lot.

How is the baby? Is he feeling better? How is school going? Are you able to concentrate a bit better now?

Love, Didi

The baby is a handful and mr. independent. He is good though. He had bronchitis last week. School is good I got a 110 out of 100 on a huge project and presentation. I am working on concentrating. How are you doing? How are your grandchildren?

Oh, sweetie, that is so good about your project and presentation! :) That will help for that one low mark you had. I'm glad Bay is feeling better now and better full of piss and vinegar than not! Heh heh.

My grandkids are doing well. The youngest (who has non-verbal learning disabilities) took his mom to school today to make pysanky (Ukrainian Easter Eggs). They had a lot of fun and I think my daughter is going to have all four kids make some as Christmas gifts. Here is a website explaining it, if you are interested: Learn Pysanky (http://www.learnpysanky.com/). I want to give it a try as well.

Take care, sweetie. You are always on my mind.

Hugs, Didi

That looks and sounds like fun. What non verbal learning disablilty does he have? I had many disabilities.

Shoot!! I wrote a response in layman's terms about his disorder and deleted it by mistake! Grrrrrr... Well, to learn more check out these two sites:

Misunderstood Minds (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/misunderstoodminds/writingbasics.html) - this one explains the difficulties he has with graphomotor skills

And

NLD Online (http://www.nldline.com/)

They give a pretty good idea of what my grandson's problems are. He is a bright, happy, fun kid, though. Hope it lasts as he gets older. Our school system doesn't really offer what kids like him need after the primary years.

Didi

Okay I am mad. My cusin who is my aunt's son is going down to Denver so that he can be with his friends on easter. His mom is dying and this may his last easter with her, but he leaves her to go to Denver to party. She is so uspst and crying and I am mad becuase he is just causing her more pain then she should endure. What should I do? What can I do to make this an easter that is special for her?

I can only give you my opinion from my experiences. I don't know the entire situation with your aunt's son, so bear with me. When my husband was ill it was very, very draining emotionally. I am sure you can identify. Now, you are your aunt's niece. I was my husband's wife, and this fellow is watching his mother die. I am not saying you love an aunt less than a spouse or a parent, but I am saying you love them differently.

Anyhow, at one point, my husband had to be hospitalized for awhile. While he was in hospital, as soon as I knew all was under control, I just took 2 days off. Now, this was less than a month before he died, and believe me when I say that I loved my husband deeper than most people can imagine. Regardless, I just had to take those 2 days and not go and see him, not think about the illness and the fact that he was dying, nothing. I ate the first real meal that I had eaten in over 4 months. I slept more than an hour or two for the first time in 5 months. I watched TV, chatted on the computer, visited a friend, read a book. I had to do it or I may not have been able to be strong enough to be there for him in the end. So, maybe your nephew just NEEDS to get away and be normal for a few days. I just don't think that anyone can judge him, because, at some point you have to do what's best for YOU.

As for your aunt... I would tell her that it is very, very hard for her son to see her so ill, and she should be glad that he is smart enough to take a break when he needs one. I also suspect that her crying may not all be related to her son going to Denver for Easter. Regardless, maybe he just needs to get away from her illness for awhile and regroup. I think it's wonderful that he is able to continue on with life. Everyone copes their own, way, and if this is his way, you will just have to accept it.

I'm sorry if this isn't the answer you want, but you just can't spend months or years waiting for someone to die. All you can do is love and live as you are able. This is the same advice we have been giving you, too. Learn as much as you can about the illness, but look after YOU first. If you don't, you won't cope after she dies.

Hugs, Didi

I know that I need to understand that it is hard on him. I guess that I am just over protective of my aunt, I always have been. She asked us all to go to church with her tommarow. I told her that I would love to go. I am sad this easter becuase I don't know how many more easters I wil have with her...does the hurt ever go away? I hope with all my heart that you have a wonderful easter...you deserve it so much.

No, RQ, the hurt never really goes away. How could it when you love someone so much? It just... changes, I guess.

Instead of being sad that you may not have her another Easter, be happy that you are able to be with her this one. I am glad that you are going to church with her this weekend. It means a lot to her. You have just been so wonderful with her. I know it has been difficult. Did you tell her how well you did on your project and presentation? I hope so... she will be thrilled. I have a feeling she is very proud of you.

Thank you for your Easter wishes. I think you deserve a wonderful Easter as well. I will be thinking of you and your family.

Warm hugs,
Didi

Easter was amazing. We went to chuch, and then My aunt went home and laid down cause she wasn't feeling well. After a while we went to my grandmas for lunch, then we all hung out. I love my aunt so much. Then we went to see Wild Hogs, (a great, funny movie) and my aunt laughed so hard....it was great to hear her laugh, she hasn't done it in quite a while. How was your easter?

Oh, I am so happy that you will have memories like these! Awesome! You made my day, hearing this.

My Easter was OK. I am fighting a bug, so it was pretty low key. Finances are real bad right now, so I didn't do anything special.

Love, Didi

I am sorry that you are fighting a bug. I hope that you get better soon. I hate being sick. I hear ya on the finances, this time of the year is always hard to make ends meet. I live in a small town and work is hard to find. I hope that it all works out for you in the end. Have a terrific day and keep drinking fluids!

So my aunts cancer is shrinkig. I AM SO EXCITED! It isn't gone, but they are going to be putting her on shorter chemo with less meds. Now I have another big thing happening. I just found out that my brother... my role model is addicted to meth, and is in debt to a drug dealer. I don't know what to think or feel. PLEASE HELP! I feel like my world is shattering around me!

That is wonderful about your aunt, RQ!! I am so happy. It's always a wonderful thing when you get to spend a bit more time with someone who goes into remission. It will be more comfortable for her, too.

As for your brother... I think you might want to start a new thread about that... but honestly... you can think or feel whatever you think or feel... but realize that it's HIS problem. Forgive me if I am confused... but you call your brother your role model?? Isn't he the one who abused you?

Sweetie... you MUST stop taking on everyone else's problems as your own. Concentrate on your husband, son and YOURSELF!! Your brother is an adult. Let him worry about himself. I know it sounds harsh, but if you keep up this way you will end up losing your marriage and maybe your sanity.

Hugs, Didi

No that is my other brother... this brother is an amazing person. That is why I am so confused as to why he would do this.

robertsqueen, I have noticed you have not responded lately. How is your aunt? Is the cancer still shrinking? How is she doing with the chemo? I am a nursing student and have some history with cancer in the family and with friends. I have stumbed on some very exciting info this year on a product that has strong anticancer benefits. It's natural and has been featured in Anticancer Research and Journal of Immunological Biology. Scientific research has been focused on this and you can go to Entrez PubMed (http://www.pubmed.com) and type in FUCOIDAN and CANCER to see it. I would love to share more with you if it would be helpful.

Okay so everything has been going well with my aunt. For mothers day the whole family bought a green house... but today was awful. She was so sick, and weak. We were going to have a dinner at the park.. but my aunt was too sick so we had it at my grandmas. Then halfway through she had to go lay down. She ended up leaving the get together crying. I really don't think that she is gettting better. The doctors says that the x rays show that she is gettng better... but she dosen't act like it. She acts sicker than ever. The cancer in her brain is not fading at all. Is this bad? I don't know what to do, and she is starting to give up hope. I try to go over there but as soon as a arrive my mom shoos me away.

Sweetie, she will have her good days and her bad days. I presume the x-rays the doctor's are referring to are her lung x-rays. When the cancer spreads to the brain and they aren't treating her for it, there may be little hope, hon. Remember that there is nothing more that you can really do except be strong, continue on with life the best you can, listen if she needs to talk, support her caregivers as much as possible, look after YOU, and pray that she doesn't suffer no matter what the outcome.

Your mom doesn't want you to get all caught up in your aunt's problems either, rq. She probably wants you to concentrate on your family. It may be difficult for her to accept help because she feels so powerless. I wonder if you could convince her to go out with you and Bay for a bit to get away from the situation herself?

Remember, she may seem a lot better in a few days. She could be reacting to her meds, she could just be tired, or she may be emotional, too. Not everything will be a symptom of her cancer.

How are you feeling today?

Hugs, Didi

I am feeling all right today.. I am really tired. My aunts b-day is today... but she wasn't feeling good. They all went to a restaurant but she spent the whole time in the bathroom, also she fell twice yesterday. It just seems as though she is getting worse.

Hello all,
My aunt was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer last Novemeber. It is already spread throughout her body. I am used to seeing her this strong person, but now she is so weak. I can't really talk to anyone else about this because they are all avoiding it. I don't think that she is getting any better and it kills me to see her like this. She is my aunt, my favorite aunt and I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with this. Also it scares me because my son who is two is really close to her, and I don't know how to explain what is going on with her to him.....he knows something is going on? Any advice?:confused:
My best friends grandma had lung cancer. All she did was try to think of memories you had with her and let the pain go away!

I'm sorry to hear that your aunt was feeling so crummy on her birthday. It's difficult, too, when she falls. Is she still having difficulty with constipation from the pain pills? If so, I just wondered if she tried the Senokot. Also, the doctor can prescribe something stronger for her - it's like cod liver oil, so kind of gross, but it works! :) If she is constipated that can really make her uncomfortable and miserable.

Are you still working, going to school, looking after your husband and baby and trying to find time for you? If so, no wonder you are tired! Are you almost finished school? How is it going? Are you still doing well (under the circumstances)? Is your husband being supportive? How is the baby doing besides being a handful, as all kids his age can be! Hee hee!

Take care,

Didi

No, she isn' constipated anymore, but they put her back on steroids. I am done with school for the summer, and I ended up flunking my math class. I have to pay for a semister of college now. I try to find time for myself, I am starting to write a story. My husband is being wonderful, and Baily is just amazing, Its funny how fast they grow and how they want their independence. When he hurts himself he has mommy and daddy kiss his boo boo and then he kisses it. I am enjoying my time with him. We spend a lot of tme going over to my moms so he can play in his kid pool.

So today my aunt fell and hit her head. She had to get stitches for it. We want to have her use a wheel chair again, but my uncle dosen't want to move the furniture around. How selfish is that? Why is he being so mean to her?

It sounds like your uncle is in denial... although he could just be a jerk, I suppose. :) I say get the wheelchair and move the furniture yourselves. My goodness, you shouldn't have to move much! Wheelchairs don't have to be big and bulky now-a-days.

I'm sorry that your aunt fell and had to get stitches. Balance can be a real problem with this kind of thing. Cheer her up by telling her if she keeps it up you'll have to get her a football helmet! :D

I'm glad that she isn't constipated anymore. That is so uncomfortable. It's a bummer that you failed your math class. I really thought you would pass. Oh, well, it's understandable. At least you have good support in your husband and Baily to keep you busy.

Hugs to you,

Didi

She went to the doctor today and they told her that her white blood cells are basically non exeisnent.. Is this a bad thing? What does this mean. They said that they are really really low. Is this normal?

They found out that it was seizures that she was having... she is not getting any better is she? Is this because of the brain cancer? We bought her a green house for her b-day gift... the whole family did.

I'm sorry, rq, I really don't know for sure, but to me, it doesn't sound encouraging. I'm also sorry I didn't respond sooner, but it was a long weekend in Canada, and I had someone from the States up for the weekend.

Although it sounds like your aunt's condition may not be what you hope for, anything is possible, please don't forget that. I don't think it will stop growing entirely, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have some quality time left. When they operated on my husband they told me that he probably wouldn't come home from the hospital. They also gave him 2 to 6 weeks to live. He fought so hard, and constantly told me that it was easier for him to believe he was going to live longer, because I treated him like he was going to live. He lived 5 months. Just love your aunt like you always do, enjoy what time you have together, support and listen to her if she is down and look after yourself and your own family as best you can. As I told you before, your aunt wouldn't want her favourite niece to put her life on hold. She needs you to pick up on all the things that you admire in her and show her that she has passed those things on to you.

What a wonderful gift you have all given her for her birthday! I hope she is able to plant something so that when she does pass on, she will live a small piece of herself for you all. Maybe you and Baily could help her plant some perennial seeds? It sure will help her feel like she can do something useful, it will give you and Baily some quality time with her, and if her health gets any worse, it will give her something to look forward to (which can help her fight).

I hope her seizures decrease, sweetie. I hope it helps you to talk about it all here. You know I am here for you.

Warm Hugs,
Didi

My aunt is not doing well... she is in the hospital and she has to get put to sleep to get a scan of her brain. She is also on morphine.. she is dying I know she is.

They think that it is her heart... Is that a bad thing.. she has lung cancer so why is her heart causing her problems?

I am so sorry that your aunt and you are going through all of this. Any illness is hard on the heart, sweetie, but cancer seems to age people to some degree, so maybe that's why it goes to the heart, I really don't know. I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner, but I haven't been online much at all lately.

This newest change in your aunt's condition could just be a setback or it could be part of the final stages of the disease. Has your family told you anything other than that? It is possible that the cancer has spread to other areas in her body now which can also put stress on her heart. The lung cancer alone affects her breathing which affects the heart as there may not be adequate oxygen. I have read that it is not common for a buildup of fluids around the heart in lung cancer, but that doesn't mean it can't happen. It is common, though, for there to be a build up of fluid between the outer lining of the lungs and the chest wall which can be a symptom of heart failure.

What usually happens in end stage lung cancer that has spread to the brain is that they make the patient as comfortable as they can with pain medications (hence, the morphine). It is important for her to be as pain free as possible now. Just continue to be as supportive and loving as you are for your aunt and other family members and use the supports that you have.

I wish I could tell you happier things, rq. The next few weeks could be quite difficult for you. Keep your strength as much as you can.

Warm hugs, Didi

RQ, let me start by saying that I have not read the entire post, and that I am not really here to offer advice, but am here to lend you a shoulder. You see, as we speak, I am losing my father. He turned 72 on May 25. He has lived longer than we have expected this weekend.

So, not to be thread stealing, but I am with you, I can sympathize. I have spent the last 2 nights in a chair in a hospital room watching to make sure Dad is still breathing at daybreak.

My heart goes out to you dear. You will be in my thoughts.

So an update. My aunt is still in Denver and out of the hospital. The seizures were because of the tumors in her brain, they are not shrinking, but aren't getting bigger either? Is that good or bad? I miss her like crazy, they stopped the chemo, and I think that they stopped it for good. My uncle said that she is in remission but the chemo is still there what does that mean? I thought remission meant that chemo was gone. I am doing all right. I have enjoyed having my brother up here. He is doing very well and I have enjoyed having quality time with him. Bay is good he is getting big, and mouthy. How are you doing today? How is your life going? Sorry I haven't talked to you in a while I have been so busy lately... and I kindof feel guilty about it because I am not sad very much anymore I have been keeping myself busy.

Hi RQ, Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I read your post a few days ago but was on my way out so was going to come back to it. Unfortunately, I have had a family crisis with my adopted daughter and totally forgot! I am really so very sorry.

It is a shame that the chemo isn't shrinking the tumours in your aunt's brain, but it is a good thing that they aren't getting any bigger right now. I am sure you do miss her a lot! Hmmmm... not sure if they will have stopped the chemo for good. Usually during an incurable (stage 4) cancer they will give chemo to help with the symptoms of the cancer and to try to slow the growith of the tumours, thus increasing survival time.

When Terry was on chemo they did give him a "rest" period in between rounds of chemo. Remember, chemo is poison and doesn't just damage bad cells, but good cells as well. The concept is that it will retard or even stop the bad cells at the risk of destroying good cells that they hope are strong enough to regenerate and heal. When people take chemo they give them regular blood tests before each round. Your aunt may have a high level of chemo in her body so they will stop and give the body a rest for a bit.

If your aunt is in remission that probably means that the cancer cells are still present, but there has been a decrease in the number of cancer cells. It means that for the moment the cancer cells are under control.

I am glad you have been able to spend some good quality time with your brother. Hmmm... Bay is getting mouthy? Where is he learning that from! LOL :) I bet he is getting big. How old is he now?

I wish you to NEVER feel guilty about not being sad much anymore! It is okay to go on with your life. Your aunt would be absolutely miserable if you weren't going on with life and living. Keeping yourself busy is great, just make sure you take some time every few days to a week to allow yourself to feel what you feel - anger, sadness, pain or whatever.

As for me... life has been up and down. Hopefully it will improve. My van broke down again (!! ) and is truly on it's last legs. I so desperately need a new(er) vehicle. My van is a 1993, but has been on the road since fall, 1992. I still haven't been able to land a job. Today I applied for one with the SPCA as a kennel attendant and groomer. The pay is lousy, but the hours will make up for it. I hope they aren't looking for someone young and will give me a chance. I have the background and experience, but in this town, that's not always a good thing. Sometimes I think they don't hire me because they believe that I will get a job somewhere else quickly because of my skills and knowledge and they give other people a chance. I have excellent references, I have had my resume and some of my covering letters gone over by 4 professionals and they all think it's great. Wish me luck!

Something exciting is going on in my life right now that I am keeping a secret for now. Unfortunately, my daughter's crisis has taken a bit of punch out of that and created a whole new round of stresses and problems. It will improve though, I am sure of that.

Are you enjoying the summer?

Well, must run. I am exhausted!

Love, Didi

I am so sorry to hear about your daughters crisis. My aunt is doing horrible last night she had to go to the hospital by ambulance beuase she stopped breathing. They are saying that she is having kidney failure, and her blood pressure is really low. Does this mean that she is dying? I am scared.

RQ, my dear. I hate to say this, and it tears me up so. But seeing as how I have been through this recently, unfortunately the end is near.

I went through this with my father on the 6th of June. He did not have cancer, but had kidney failure, breathing and blood pressure issues.

I am here for you Hun. Just know that when it does come, it will be a blessing.

I used to think people who said that were CRAZY, that was until I watched my Dad suffering and then kissed him goodbye after he had passed.

It is hard, but you will get through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry that this is happening. No, things don't sound very good for your aunt in a sense. Hopefully it won't drag on too long for her now and she doesn't suffer. It's so difficult when the lungs are so full of cancer because the breathing is affected and without oxygen all the other organs can't work properly. I agree with J_9, when the end comes it will be a blessing. I know it will be difficult for you though, with you being so close. I hope your husband is with you right now to give you the support you will need. You are lucky to have Bay. He will keep your mind and heart occupied when you need a break from the sadness.

You have been so strong through all of this, RQ. Your aunt must be so proud of you. I think you have learned a lot from her and it will carry on in your son as he gets older. I might not be around the next day or two, hun, but my thoughts and prayers are with you and, of course, your aunt that she does not suffer needlessly.

Love & hugs, Didi

The doctor gave her 3 days to a week to live today. We are all going down there within the next few days... my heart is broke and I just want to curl up and cry.

I am so very sorry, sweetie. There are just no words that I can say to make it better or express how deeply I feel for you. I know that you and your aunt have always been so close so your pain is intense. All I can say is that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I know right now it seems like the pain will never end, but as time goes on you will find the love and memories that you shared will over-ride the pain. Allow yourself to feel, lean on anyone who offers and look after yourself. I will be around if you need someone to talk to. I really am so very sorry.

Warm gentle hugs,
Didi

Oh, honey, I am so sorry. Now, remember that she may ralley. My father was given 2 hours to live at one point and he kept on for 2 weeks. He would get better, and I mean really better, and give us false hope. So remember that sweetie.

It is okay to cry hun, really it is. I never got the chance until I got home. I had to be strong for mom. But it is oaky, it is healthy, it is good.

Whatever you do though, and I am going to ask you to do something that will be very hard... Please do not cry in front of your aunt.

Steph, I can tell you that right now you feel such intense pain, but it does get easier, day by day. My father will be gone a month on July 6th. I have come to terms with it. You will too.

Okay so update. She is in critical condition and she is stable. So what does this mean? Does this mean she is getting beter? We are not going down anymore.

Critical but stable condition means that she is critical, meaning life threatening, but is holding her own, she is not getting any worse, but not any better either.

Unfortunately in end stage lung cancer, such as your Aunt's, she is not going to get better. I know that is hard to hear, but it is the truth.

I understand that you are not going down anymore. But is anyone with her? Is she alone? This can be a very frightening time for the dying patient.

Yes, I agree with J_9. I do hope someone is with her. It really is just a matter of time, and probably not a long time. Even if she is in a coma it can be reassuring for her to have a loved one nearby, talking to her or just being with her. A soft touch on her hand to let her she is not alone and is very much loved and will be missed can mean the world to her. I also believe that it's sometimes difficult for the dying to let go if the people they love haven't said their goodbyes.

Love, Didi

When my father was in a coma he would come to just a little when asked. When we asked for a kiss, he would pucker up. So we learned that while in a coma they can still hear and understand us.

I agree with Didi here as my father hung on until all of his children and grandchildren were able to visit. I believe it is very important that they be able to say goodbye to us.

She needs to know that you love her and will miss her, but that it is okay to go.

We are here at the hospital right now.

We are all here... the whole family they are expecting her to pass any time now both of her kidneys have shut down.

Sweetie, I feel for you. I was where you are a month ago now. Just know it can still take some time after the kidneys fail. It took Dad another week after they diagnosed him with kidney failure.

So, get all the love, hugs and kisses you can get in now. Let her feel your presence, let her know you are with her. She needs to feel your comfort.

I am so glad to hear you are there with her and for her.

Take care sweetie, and keep us posted.

How are you hanging in, sweetie? Even this time now will start the healing process. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

Warm hugs,

Didi

I have my moments when I just cry and cry and then I laugh. We have been bringing Baily to see her everyday. He and her play. She enjoys it and its good for the family. She had a good night last night, then she got up and moved, but I do know that she is dying. Her moving gave her sons false hope. She dosen't understand that people are coming to see her she will talk to them and joke but afterwards she dosen't remember that she had a visitor. Other than that we are just waiting. I am at my dads right now because we had the whole family with us at the hospital and the doctor said that we need to take shifts so that she dosen't think that we are all waiting around for her to die. Plus its good to be here with my daddy and have that support you know? Well I have to get ready to go to the hospital I will keep you updated.

We have our moments, and that is okay. Just remember that laughter is healing. My father's visitation and subsequent funeral was all about laughter. It is okay to laugh, you may feel guilty about it, but please know that it is normal and healthy.

It is good that you are taking Bailey, children are very resilient. They also help in the healing process. I know Johnny (my 5 year old) really helped me.

What you are describing with her memory is not uncommon once kidney failure has set in. Please don't let it worry you. I know it probably will, but just know it is normal.

Please keep us updated.

I am glad to hear that you are gaining support from your dad and that you are bringing Bay to see her as well. She may forget a lot from the medication, but also from the tumours in her brain. Sometimes the things they come out with can be quite humorous at times. At least you know she isn't in any pain and it's good that you are all having the opportunity to have time with her that isn't all horrible and sad. Humour can go a long way in the healing process, as can children as Janine said. On the Friday night before my husband died he played with my youngest grandson a lot. We took pictures and laughed. Some people have a difficult time seeing those photos because my husband appeared so thin, aged and ill, but I love to look at them because I remember the laughter and smiles. It was a very imoportant time for my grandson and although he was very young he still remembers it. As you said, Baily and your aunt playing can be good for you all. At least he isn't afraid of her. Isn't it wonderful how accepting children are?

Hang in there, hun. I'm so glad you are able to spend this time with her. It will be so meaningful for you later on.

Warm hugs,
Didi

I remember Johnny, in Dad's last days... he was sitting in front of the TV in the waiting room of the hospital waving his little 5 year old hand around... up and down... he said

"Look I'm an Grampa, I'm an angel.....I'm flying up to heaven....Oh, C R A P, I'm stuck in a tree!!"

We all laughed so hard. You know the saying "Out of the mouths of babes"

It was one month yesterday, and yes, for the most part I am okay, but tonight is a little different. A little hard today.

But you know what, that is okay and it is expected. We all go through this. But it does get easier each day.

My heart and my thoughts are with you.

We are here at the hospital. They are expecting her to pass away within a couple of hours. She has a machine that helps her breathe. The chaplin came in and said a prayer now we are just waiting. I feel so bad because I can't go into that room that she is in. it hurts too much, I go sometimes but not as much as I should. Also I am so angry right now I am angry at god and I keep snapping at my husband. I just don't know anymore!

Oh, sweetie. What you are going through is so normal. So natural.

So she is ventilated (a vent is like a breathing machine, makes you breathe). If she is ventilated this could prolong the agony. Yes, it will make her live longer, but is that what she wanted?

You only have to go in the room as much as you feel comfortable, if you don't feel comfortable, then don't go in. Again, my favorite answer, That's Okay.

Anger is part of the grieving process, it is okay to get angry. But remember that our death begins the moment we are born, it is all a natural process.

She has had many many good years here in this body. This body is just a shell and soon she will be at peace with her Lord. I know you are angry with him right now, but she is going back to where she came from. No more pain, no more stress... complete and utter peace.

I know it sounds terrible to say those things (to some), but from my very recent experience, they are in peace after fighting and suffering for so long. The pain is gone, the suffering is gone.

Just know that we will be with you through this. It takes time. But you will be okay.

Everybody handles death in their own way... and whatever way that is, if it's the best way they can handle it, then it's okay. You may get angry today and it might go away, or you may get angry off and on for years, or you may even be angry for weeks. Your body knows the best way for you to handle this... just accept it and when you aren't feeling the anger remind your husband that it isn't him, it's the situation. I think that is exactly what it is, RQ... you are angry with the situation because it isn't what you want (of course!). There can be many emotions through this experience - just allow them to come, deal with them as you can, and accept that this is the way you will be right now.

You don't have to be in the room all the time, sweetie, and that is also okay. If you have said and done all you need to say, others may need to be in there more than you. You are filled with many memories, most of them good ones, and you don't want the 'bad' ones to replace them. It hurts, hun, and if it didn't I would be concerned. There is no right or wrong... there is no should or shouldn't. Just go with your gut right now, okay?

I understand your anger at God, too. He understands it, too. I struggled a lot with that when Terry was sick. The way I dealt with it was by reminding myself that the things that cause cancer were created by man, not God. I also wondered what kind of a death Terry would have had if he didn't have cancer. It could have been a much more horrible death, or maybe he wouldn't have had the time to say his goodbye's, etc. I have to trust in God that there was a reason beyond my comprehension and that one day I might understand what it was.

I do know one thing... well, two. My nephew had been experimenting with pot when Terry became ill. Terry found out and asked to see him. He spoke to him and explained that although he didn't 'do' drugs, he had experimented with pot in his younger days and the doctors told him that there appears to be strong evidence that people who smoke pot have a higher chance of contracting cancer. He begged my nephew to never experiment with drugs again, and he hasn't. The other thing is that my daughter quit smoking. It took her several years, but she finally quit. So, two good things came out of Terry's death... and sometimes I wonder if the lives he touched might have been part of the reason that this was the way he died. These are the types of things that you will probably question for years.

Anyway, as J_9 said, the thing best remembered when you are struggling with feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, despair, love, happiness, relief, etc. is "That's okay." Whatever it takes to get you through this is fine.

The walk you are taking right now is not an easy one, but I am sure it will prepare you for other things in life that you will have to face. You are so young, and that is very hard too. The only thing that helps sometimes is to know that it will get easier to deal with as time goes on; you have done NOTHING wrong; and you showed your love to your aunt throughout her life and that means more than anything.

You will be okay, it will get easier, you will smile again, the pain will fade, the good memories will become special and the bad ones will fade. You have a lot of supoort and love, too. That will help.

Warm hugs,
Didi

She passed away yesterday around seven. We were all out in the hallway grabbing a bite to eat and the machine started beeping. I went in just to see her take a breath and then she was gone. I miss her so much, I will never hear her laugh or voice again and that kills me. I am glad that she is not in anymore pain, but I miss her. Her boys just fell apart and it hurt so bad to see them like that. Brandon her youngest was just hugging her and telling her to breath. I know that I am pushing Robert away but I just can't help it. One minute he is so sensitve and loving and the next he's being mean. I just don't know I feel like I shouldn't be able to enjoy life if she isn't here. I am going to ask the boys if I can read a poem at her funeral that I am going to write. I will post it on here when I write it. My husband got mad because on the way down here we talked about Tammy for a little while, memories and what had taken place. I am trying to be strong but it is so hard, so hard.

RQ, DIDI asked me to extnd her heartfelt sympathies. Unfortunately,her computer has broken down and she will not be online for a while. If you need to speak with her, send her an e-mail and I will pick it up and she can dictate her reply to to me for you over the phone. She says," hon, i'm so sorry, and i feel really bad i can't be online right now. Hopefully others here will help you, but if you need to talk, e-mail me your phone number and i will try and call. I'm getting Newny to check my e-mails until i can get back online. I think the poem is perfect! Hang in there, hon. I know it's hard, but we'll get you through this. Love, Didi."
You can reach Didi through me as well, RQ. And my thoughts and prayers are with you, too.

RQ, I am so sorry for your loss. Words cannot express what you are feeling right now. I know, I was there a month ago. This is a rough time for you, and your family, but you will get through it.

Know that she is no longer struggling. While I used to hate the saying, until I experienced it, it is a blessing.

You will go through the stages of grief as we all do. But time will make it better. You will remember her voice, in time, but you will.

I sit here daily and wish I could call Dad and I hear "Hi, Babe" (what he would always say to me when he would answer the phone. I talk to him daily, this helps me.

Remember that it is okay to cry. You will have good days and bad.

I think the poem is such a lovely thing to do.

Understand that your husband is trying, he's a man after all, LOL. When Dad passed, on a Wednesday, (my husband was 600 miles away at the time), I told him over the phone that the funeral would be the next Monday, he came back with "So, you'll be home on Tuesday right?" Oh, I got so angry with him over that one!!

Things will get better sweetie, I promise. And please post the poem, I can't wait to hear it.

Today we went over to clean up her house before the boys got there, I couldn't do it. I feel so pathetic. I am almost done with the poem and I will post it when I finish it.

Here is the poem and if you would share it with Diddi I would appriciate it. Thank you.
My Angel

Every breathe I take my heart breaks,
I am glad that your not in anymore pain, but it doesn't stop the ache,
Tammy you were my rock, my heart and soul,
Now you left and my hearts not whole.

So many memories I have of you and I,
But every time I start to remise I cry,
Remember how I used to sneak drinks from your cup and you would just laugh and fill it back up?
Remember how I would come sit on your deck, and we would laugh until we peed our pants?

My heart may be in pain right now, but I find comfort in knowing that you are in heaven smiling down.
That's just the person that you were, you never thought of yourself but of others who hurt,
Tammy, you are the strongest person I know, I never heard you cry no more.

You were the one that taught me about love and never giving up,
You always told me the truth, no matter how hard it was.

You showed me how to shower Baily with love, by the way that you loved your sons,
You raised them well and taught them faith, then let them go to find their way,
You stood by their side when they made mistakes, and never once did you let your love fade.

I will not tell you goodbye, because I know that you are now an angel watching over us,
When our time comes you are going to be there at the gates of heaven with your arms wide open and full of love.

Steph, that is BEAUTIFUL. I know she would love it. She DOES love it. She is watching down on you right now, giving you a gentle nudge, letting you know that everything will be okay. You don't have to go to her house right now, that can be done later, when you are ready.

Don't feel pathetic, I know it is hard, but you love her. She knows that. What is important is the time you spent with her when she needed it, when she knew you were there. What you are going through now are the formalities so that people who were not so close to her can say goodbye. Remember, you were there when it was most important. You were there.

Steph, you were so loved by her and she by you. Take comfort in that. Take comfort in knowing that she did get to know Bailey, that Bay got to know her. These are the important things. Take what she taught you and embrace it, use it to teach Bay. Keep her memory alive.

If Newny doesn't talk to Didi soon, he sent me her number, I will try to call her from my cell if I can.

Just know sweetie that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Be strong, you can get through this, and you will be here for others in their time of need.

Chin up and a big hug from me.

Thank you guys so much. I just don't know anymore. I called one of my old friends we parted but I thought that she should know and she was so rude to me she didn't even let me talk. Then my other friend called but all she cared about was talking about herself. The only true friends I feel I have right now are you and didi.
I am still very angry... my husband keeps trying to send me out for a while. I don't want to go I don't want to have to answer a million questions about her. I don't even like talking about her and it hurts to say she has passed away. My heart just hurts so bad. I am glad she isn't in pain anymore but it really hurts. Every time I think of memories I just cry. My husband thinks that I am depressed... maybe I am but don't I have a right to be? I don't have a good relationship with my mom... and Tammy was like my mother. My mom is making me go back to work tommarow and I just don't know if I am ready. This whole town feels so much different without Tammy in it. I was mad at my aunts because they were over at her house rearanging her stuff and cleaning. Why would they do that? I am just so ANGRY AND HURT!

Today was hard also. My uncle bryan tammys husband gave me a ring of hers that she wanted me to have. Then he wanted us to go through her clothes I only took a few items... I felt so guilty doing it, but I also wanted her clothes to remember her by. I miss her so much. The funeral is on Saturday I hope that I can stay strong till then.

Okay so today is the funeral I hope that I can get through today. I didn't get much sleep last night.