My aunt is very arrogant and thinks she and her kids, grandkids, etc are better than the rest of us. Or at least keep that image. There are three sisters, my mom is the youngest, my aunt is the oldest. She married a successful man and enjoys his wealth and former prestige as a corporate big-wig, before he was "asked" to retire ;) She is a trophy wife, college drop-out with no worthy accomplishments or personal successes of her own. Except marrying well.
Now it would be unfair to exclude the good things about her. She can be generous. She never forgets the kids' birthdays and gave them treats on valentines day and Easter. She always bought extravagant Christmas gifts when they were little. She loves to shop. She liked to be very involved with the whole family. She did try to give parties to bring everyone together
But... there always seems to be a price to pay for this kindness albeit in a nosy, meddling kind of way. She is a terrible gossip and talks about everybody's business. Except her own, of course. She loves to lecture and quote Bible passages and "minister" to everyone, all in judgement and hypocritical of her own behavior.
OKAY. So here is the background of my problem. She made some comments to her granddaughter, "Karen", and Karen's friend, "Kelly" about my daughters about 3.5 months ago. My girls are 19 and 21 and have a couple of tattoos. Nothing offensive or large or ugly. Karen had a temporary tattoo she got from a graduation party and when my aunt saw this, she flipped! She warned Karen to not be like my girls by getting a tattoo. She said tattoos are disgusting and she didn't want her "to be like THEM", meaning my kids. Her husband chimed in agreement, "Don't be like THEM".
Well, Kelly is also good friends with my daughters and later told them what their aunt had said about them. Of course they were really upset and it really upset me. The irony of this whole thing is, my aunt's other granddaughters have tattoos!! They each have a couple of small tattoos but she didn't use them as a comparison, or call them names. She only said these things about my daughters.
She does this. She puts people down. She has been confronted about it in the past. Her own kids have stopped talking to her for a period because of things she has said. She has made critical, nasty comments about my brother who is battling alcoholism, my moms two divorces even though my aunt is on marriage #4.
So her is my Question: IS it too late to say something to her? I really want to confront her but it's been 3.5 months since it happened. I was going to write her a letter because her denial of her bad behavior makes it impossible to talk to her.
My friends say my kids are adults and should fight their own battles but as their mother, she has deeply offended me. It is the last straw, I have had it with her. She has no right to talk about us that way. Especially when her other to "perfect" granddaughters are tattooed as well.
What do you all think? Has anyone out there dealt with a family member like this? Thank you

Write the letter! Write it as many times as it takes to get all your feelings expressed. Keep it filed away and look at it once in a while and re-write it again and again. Cover everything, not just the tattoos. But don't ever send it. Having the words etched in your mind may serve you well someday during a family gathering, when something new happens, and you need to say eloquently and succinctly what has bothered you all these years.

I would not write a letter. I would call her and just say, "I know this happened some time ago but it's just gotten around to me that a comment was made by you about my daughters, and it terribly hurt their feelings. I thought you'd want to know because you've always had a great relationship with them. I wasn't there so don't even know if this is true, but I was told that you told your granddaughters that you do not want them to be like my daughters. The story was that your granddaughter had a temporary tatoo, and the implication was that because my daughters have tatoos they are unacceptable people. It's fine if you don't like tatoos - they aren't for everyone - but the implication made to my daughters was that you think they are trashy girls." If she denies having said it, just say, "well, I can't imagine you would say something so rude and mean-spirited but maybe you could just reach out to the girls. If you did say anything like that, please know it's hurtful."

If her usual is not to take responsibility, don't make that your goal. Your goal is to show your daughters you won't let family trash talk them. At the same time, your girls should understand many people, particularly older people, do not like tatoos - part of getting tatoos is understanding that a lot of people will think less of them for it. They aren't going to change the world so if they are going to have tatoos, they need to expect a little grief over it.

I would not write a letter. I would call her and just say, "I know this happened some time ago but it's just gotten around to me that a comment was made by you about my daughters, and it terribly hurt their feelings. I thought you'd want to know because you've always had a great relationship with them. I wasn't there so don't even know if this is true, but I was told that you told your granddaughters that you do not want them to be like my daughters. The story was that your granddaughter had a temporary tatoo, and the implication was that because my daughters have tatoos they are unacceptable people. It's fine if you don't like tatoos - they aren't for everyone - but the implication made to my daughters was that you think they are trashy girls." If she denies having said it, just say, "well, I can't imagine you would say something so rude and mean-spirited but maybe you could just reach out to the girls. If you did say anything like that, please know it's hurtful."

If her usual is not to take responsibility, don't make that your goal. Your goal is to show your daughters you won't let family trash talk them. At the same time, your girls should understand many people, particularly older people, do not like tatoos - part of getting tatoos is understanding that a lot of people will think less of them for it. They aren't going to change the world so if they are going to have tatoos, they need to expect a little grief over it.

This is good advice. Thank you.