Dear AskMeHelpDesk friends:

I have seen similar questions over here, but I wanted to write my story to get a better answer.

I am a 35yr old man, married with children. I am gay and I knew it since I knew what sex was. I always knew I was gay. I am an Indian and being a gay in India is totally unacceptable.

Rewind 12 years, I was 24 yr old quite successful in my job and happy go lucky. No one other in the world around me knew I was gay. I was enjoying my money and time. During this time, there was a new guy who joined my team. He was 21 yr old, very good looking, handsome, sexy, friendly, hot, funny. I was initially jealous of him and used to put him through some tough times as I was his boss. This guy was very friendly and tried to cope with my tantrums. Over the next few days, I started developing fondness towards this guy, which promptly was reciprocating. This developed into a very good friendship. We had been very close friends in a very short span. I had started ignoring my other friends almost. He always used to tell me how much he liked our friendship. Our friendship grew thick and I was also going now to his house and spending time with his family a lot. I came to also know that I was the only friend that this guy has ever invited home and introduced to the family. So it made me feel proud and at the sametime in some corner of the mind I was thinking that he was doing all this as I was his boss and to please me. During our coversations, we used to say "I love you dear friend" and hug each other frequently. However, I started realizing that I was falling in love with him. I had no courage to acknowledge this feeling let alone tell anyone else. Our friendship became stronger, and now, I was sleeping at his house, in his room and on the same bed quite frequently (nothing about sex yet). This went on for few days. Over the next few days, he started getting closer to a lady at our office who was 28 years old and almost 8 years elder to him. I initially ignored it but later I realized that it was getting serious. I asked him about it and he told that it was serious and that he wanted me to keep it to myself. I tried to contain my emotions to no avail. I started crying a lot without anybody's knowledge. I could not digest the fact that my love was not even worth a penny. On the fateful day, we again slept together on the same bed. I was so overwhelmed by my lust, I started pushing the boundaries with him. He was deep in sleep and I used this opportunity and this was one of the beautiful memories I have in my life. All through this he was asleep (there was no penetrative thing that went on). Next day when he woke up, he noticed the wet spot on the bed spreads. He just ignored it and I told him what happened and he just laughed and ignored it. I felt like , I was expecting him to come and kiss me and tell me that he like it and that he really wanted it (I must be crazy). Now, I started to tell him that I am in DEEP LOVE with him. He acknowledged that and told "what is logical in this love, we cannot do anything. I cannot marry you. This is not allowed in this country." He also said, if we are reborn in our next life "we will definitely get married." All this while, he did not say clearly if he loved me in that way nor avoided me. He was always with me even after all this. He now started spending more time with this girl whom he had an affair with. This used to burn me from inside. I could not stand it any more. It was getting too serious for me.

At the same time, my family also started to pressurize me to get married to a woman. I was very confused. At this time, I met a stupid psychiatrist who suggested that I should get married to a girl and that if I had sex with a girl then I might get converted to STRAIGHT. This was one suggestion that has been most devastating in my life. I took it up seriously and agreed to my parents wishes. I got married to this wonderful, good looking, smart, sexy, well behaved girl. She would have been a wonderful life partner for any guy. I thought that I was lucky. At the same time, I started to think that I should come away from this guy whom I loved so much so that I do not cause any embrassment to him or me. Immediately, I took a decision to quit my job and change the city. I broke all my contacts with this guy thinking that I will forget him forever. I also came to know that he got married to the girl that he was dating.

FAST FORWARD 10 YEARS LATER (Now).
I settled down into my marriage. Sex was never great and was very very rare. Even then, I was blessed with a 2 very lovely kids worth dying for. However, I came back to my city and started living here. Over the last 10 years, there has never been a day that I have not thought about my friend. He was always in my dreams. He also had been trying to get in touch with me since last 10 years. I have been successful avoiding him to get my contact details. He also had very regularly and frequently sent friend requests on Facebook and Orkut, and I promptly and regularly rejected them for the fear of falling again.

Few days back, on this fateful day, I really felt so sad that I had broken up with him without giving him a chance to say anything. I felt very bad about that. I thought that he might be happily living with his wife and kids. I bolstered my courage and left a message on Facebook to him my contact number. Over the next 2 to 3 days, I was eagerly awaiting his call. As fate could have it, the day he tried to call me, my mobile had run out of charge. However, thanks to Airtel Missed Call Alert Service, I got a message that someone was trying to reach me when my mobile was switched off. I promptly returned the call only to my surprise that it was this love of mine. He jumped on the phone when he heard my name. He wanted to talk to me right away but as I was with my wife, I could not. I told him that I would call him in the morning. He was not sure, he said "I know you will not call me. You will avoid me again. Please please please talk to me." However, I promised him that I would definitely talk to him in the morning. The whole night I was unable to sleep. I was waiting for the dawn. First thing in the morning, before my wife work up, I slipped into my jogging shoes, and went out. I called him and he also was eagerly waiting for my call. After initial awkward moments, we started talking about life and then he said he wanted to meet me, see me, touch me, hug me. I agreed to this and we fixed up a time in the evening to meet up.

In the evening, when I met him in the Coffee Shop, he jumped from his seat and was so happy seeing me. The next 3 hours, he never left my hand off his hand. He was holding on and repeately said that he missed me so much and that he loved me a lot and that he had no other friends other than me. I was feeling out of this world, sitting next to him, talking to him and he holding my hands and once in a while touching my cheeks. We now started talking about our families. I was shocked to know that he was DIVORCED just 3 months after the marriage. This was really a shocker. He said that all through that time he really missed me and that he wanted me to support him during this time. I really felt bad, this was the time that I totally avoided him. I felt like crying. Later on, discussion went on and I asked him whether he got married again. To this, his reply was "No, after the divorce, I was never attracted to any girl and then I cocentrated on my job as I had to cope with lot of financial stress." I listened to him compassionately and offered him my suggestions. He asked me whether I will continue to be his friend and will meet him again or that this was our final meeting. I agreed that I would definitely want to meet him more. I again, told him the reason why I broke away and that I still have the same feelings towards him. I also told him that I cannot tolerate the fact if he again gets married to some one and that it is better that we stayed away. For this, he replied "Then I will not marry at all, for me you are the most important person in the whole world." I was again floating in the heavens. I again fell deeply in his love. We bid good bye for the day, but we have been meeting like lovelorn couples every day. However, he has never said that he has any sexual feelings towards me, but keeps on using the following phrases while talking to me or messaging me: "I Love You Dear" "My Sweetheart" "My sweetiepie" "My Darling" "Mmuuuahhh (kissing sound)". Even I use these phrases with him.

Now I am totally confused. I cannot love my wife and have sex with her anymore. I want to come out of the closet and live my life without guilt. At the same time, I am not sure about his feelings for me, whether anything can happen between us. I also cannot dump my family.

I want you to help me answer these questions
1. Should I come out of the closet to my family.
2. Does he have any feelings for me other than friendship? I am asking because, though our relationship was just for 18 months and we were broke off for 10 years, he has same affection for me. He has not married in last 10 years and not had any girlfriends.
3. Should I continue to be his friend? It would be satisfying me to an extent, but I know this would not be without a serious heartbreak.

What to do, please help me with your suggestions.

Lots of love.

I want you to help me answer these questions

Let me be very clear and honest my friend, no matter what your tastes, attractions or preferences. Your actions are those of a lying cheater. I know, rather harsh to say, and you to hear. But how else do you describe ones action that are secret from the ones who trust you, and intentioned to spark a long dead fire?

1. Should I come out of the closet to my family?

You should speak honestly to your wife immediately while you leave the longtime friend alone!!


2. Does he have any feelings for me other than friendship? I am asking because, though our relationship was just for 18 months and we were broke off for 10 years, he has same affection for me. He has not married in last 10 years and not had any girlfriends.

No one knows that answer but him, but none of that matter's since YOUR feelings or his is not the issue but resolving this conflict of HONESTY with your wife without distraction that should be a priority here, RIGHT??

3. Should I continue to be his friend? It would be satisfying me to an extent, but I know this would not be without a serious heartbreak.NO!

That only keeps the conflicts and confusion going for very selfish reasons and complicates everyone's lives including your family. Given you already are a liar to all in the first place about yourself, why add cheating to the list? Is that fair to your family?

What to do, please help me with your suggestions.

Put family first, and deal with this honestly. She deserves to be the first to know, and has as much right to be able to deal with this honestly, as you do wanting to getting with a past friend for the chance at frolic, and romance.

That's the priority here, your wife and kids, not getting your rocks off!! If you cannot dump your family, dump your friend! You want changes, talk to your wife first!!

Dear talaniman:

You hit the nail right. I know I am liar and a cheat. I have been knowing this for ages now. I have not been able to shore up my courage to tell my wife about who I really am. Unfortunately, I am afraid that she will be heart broken and would lose all the hope in life. She may take some extreme steps. It would lot of embarrassment for her and my other family too. I don't know what this will lead to for my children. They are at a tender age and their childhood might be screwed. I am feeling so guilty. I feel so convinced to kill myself. I have been of no use anyway to anyone. The only reason I am not acting on my thoughts are because I really not want my wife and kids go through the horrors of life. I really wished suddenly God comes and sets everything right and make me straight. I really wish some surgery can be performed on my brain and set the crossed wires straight. I feel so bad about what I have done to people around me who trust and love me so much. I had an adorable wife whom I cannot love the way she should be, and I had a great friend, which I screwed up because I fell in love with him. I feel so lost. I need to immediately see a psychiatrist. Thank you again.

Regards



I want you to help me answer these questions

Let me be very clear and honest my friend, no matter what your tastes, attractions or preferences. Your actions are those of a lying cheater. I know, rather harsh to say, and you to hear. But how else do you describe ones action that are secret from the ones who trust you, and intentioned to spark a long dead fire?

1. Should I come out of the closet to my family?

You should speak honestly to your wife immediately while you leave the longtime friend alone!!!!!


2. Does he have any feelings for me other than friendship? I am asking because, though our relationship was just for 18 months and we were broke off for 10 years, he has same affection for me. He has not married in last 10 years and not had any girlfriends.

No one knows that answer but him, but none of that matter's since YOUR feelings or his is not the issue but resolving this conflict of HONESTY with your wife without distraction that should be a priority here, RIGHT?????

3. Should I continue to be his friend? It would be satisfying me to an extent, but I know this would not be without a serious heartbreak.NO!!

That only keeps the conflicts and confusion going for very selfish reasons and complicates everyone’s lives including your family. Given you already are a liar to all in the first place about yourself, why add cheating to the list? Is that fair to your family??

What to do, please help me with your suggestions.

Put family first, and deal with this honestly. She deserves to be the first to know, and has as much right to be able to deal with this honestly, as you do wanting to getting with a past friend for the chance at frolic, and romance.

That’s the priority here, your wife and kids, not getting your rocks off!! If you cannot dump your family, dump your friend! You want changes, talk to your wife first!!