I've never used a help forum like this before, so here goes. I have been with my husband (R) for 13 years, married for 8 years. We have two young children and live in a small remote community. Our relationship is good; we have good communication and the sex is still phenomenal. I love him very, very much, and can still imagine growing old with him. Unfortunately, I seem to have started an affair with a close friend of both of us.

From the moment I met L, 6 years ago, I was somewhat drawn to him. For years, however, I just chalked that up to him being someone I just connected with. However, eight months ago, things began to shift. I found myself fantasizing about him constantly, to the point that I felt guilt when I spoke to his partner. I tried everything I could to change my thinking, but whenever I had nothing else to think of, I would find myself thinking of him. At times I tried to convince myself that just thinking about him wasn't that bad, and that it was 'safe' - but I honestly believe that thoughts can somehow manifest themselves. Things began to get intense between L and I. The energy began to grow, and it was clear that it wasn't one sided. It got to such a point, that I knew I had to express it. One weekend his partner was away, and I had an opportunity to go over there with another friend. Once the other friend left, L and I kept on talking (and drinking, to be honest), and the conversation went to relationships and fidelity. His partner had been unfaithful a number of times, and so I asked if she would be okay if he were to cross that line. He said he didn't know... there was that loaded pause, and I simply asked if we should talk about the elephant in the room. I looked at him, he leaned in, and kissed me.

That was a month and a half ago. Since that night, we've had two other encounters. We've had many conversations about how we have to end this, we ceased all email contact, but we can't cease contact. Our community is really small, less than 200 people, and we are central to our core group of friends. And then there's the inexplicable part - I really feel like there is love between us.

My husband and I have been getting along great. We've even had some talks about having a more open relationship. The intimacy is amazing - and (this is the weird part) I feel almost exactly the same when my husband holds me, kisses me, touches me as I do when I am with L. I am totally attracted to my husband... and to L. I think I love them both.

Is this possible? I've heard of polyamoury, and maybe this is it. Unfortunately, even if I could get my husband on board, I have a sinking feeling that L's partner will never be okay with that. I also don't think that their relationship is that solid. So what do I do with how I feel? If we continue as we are and get found out, the effect on our relationships, our community, and our entire lives would be catastrophic. But the heart is so hard to argue logic with.

I never thought I would ever be this person. I never thought words like 'affair' and 'cheating' could apply to me. But they do. Given our proximity, even if we succeed in stopping the physical stuff, the emotional affair will go on. I have no idea what to do. Could I really be in love with two men? And is there any way to go forward with integrity that doesn't involve destroying and hurting L's partner and our community?

I've never used a help forum like this before, so here goes. I have been with my husband (R) for 13 years, married for 8 years. We have two young children and live in a small remote community. Our relationship is good; we have good communication and the sex is still phenomenal. I love him very, very much, and can still imagine growing old with him. Unfortunately, I seem to have started an affair with a close friend of both of us.

From the moment I met L, 6 years ago, I was somewhat drawn to him. For years, however, I just chalked that up to him being someone I just connected with. However, eight months ago, things began to shift. I found myself fantasizing about him constantly, to the point that I felt guilt when I spoke to his partner. I tried everything I could to change my thinking, but whenever I had nothing else to think of, I would find myself thinking of him. At times I tried to convince myself that just thinking about him wasn't that bad, and that it was 'safe' - but I honestly believe that thoughts can somehow manifest themselves. Things began to get intense between L and I. The energy began to grow, and it was clear that it wasn't one sided. It got to such a point, that I knew I had to express it. One weekend his partner was away, and I had an opportunity to go over there with another friend. Once the other friend left, L and I kept on talking (and drinking, to be honest), and the conversation went to relationships and fidelity. His partner had been unfaithful a number of times, and so I asked if she would be okay if he were to cross that line. He said he didn't know... there was that loaded pause, and I simply asked if we should talk about the elephant in the room. I looked at him, he leaned in, and kissed me.

That was a month and a half ago. Since that night, we've had two other encounters. We've had many conversations about how we have to end this, we ceased all email contact, but we can't cease contact. Our community is really small, less than 200 people, and we are central to our core group of friends. And then there's the inexplicable part - I really feel like there is love between us.

My husband and I have been getting along great. We've even had some talks about having a more open relationship. The intimacy is amazing - and (this is the weird part) I feel almost exactly the same when my husband holds me, kisses me, touches me as I do when I am with L. I am totally attracted to my husband ... and to L. I think I love them both.

Is this possible? I've heard of polyamoury, and maybe this is it. Unfortunately, even if I could get my husband on board, I have a sinking feeling that L's partner will never be okay with that. I also don't think that their relationship is that solid. So what do I do with how I feel? If we continue as we are and get found out, the effect on our relationships, our community, and our entire lives would be catastrophic. But the heart is so hard to argue logic with.

I never thought I would ever be this person. I never thought words like 'affair' and 'cheating' could apply to me. But they do. Given our proximity, even if we succeed in stopping the physical stuff, the emotional affair will go on. I have no idea what to do. Could I really be in love with two men? And is there any way to go forward with integrity that doesn't involve destroying and hurting L's partner and our community?


You can call it anything you want to call it - you are both lying to the very people you took vows with. Maybe you're in love with two men. Maybe you aren't. All I know is that at the moment you are lying to your husband in the name of love.

You CAN'T cease contact. One or the other of you is holding a gun?

Sorry - no sympathy from this quarter. This blow up and your children are left with this legacy, in a small town.

He doesn't have a stable marital relationship? Did he before he started having sex with you?

I think there's a bestseller romance in here somewhere.

Oh, I knew people would react like this. No, we can't cease contact, our lives are totally intertwined. And yes, his relationship was not good before anything happened. And NO - we haven't actually slept together.

Next please?

Having lived in a town of 500 (counting dairy cows), I know how difficult it would be to break off the attachment you two have, but I don't see any other solution, do you? Not if you want to be able to live with yourself. Or could you?

So when everyone in town all 200 of them, plus their friends out of town know, can you even hold your head up? Every one will know soon, bet 10 or 12 already know in a small town like that

So yes you break contact, stop doing things.at the same time or place. Because after you and your lover are divorced, and a disgrace of the town, how will being together be then

Oh, I knew people would react like this. No, we can't cease contact, our lives are totally intertwined. And yes, his relationship was not good before anything happened. And NO - we haven't actually slept together.

Next please?


Really? I once moved from one City to another to end a relationship. No "side deal" is worth hurting your husband, his wife and eventually his/your children. Unless he's a relative of your husband's I can't imagine the totally intertwined lives. And even then - ?

And what does "Since that night, we've had two other encounters" mean? What is an "encounter" in your book?

And you didn't answer my question before you blew me off - was his an unhappy relationship before he started with you?

I will always love my ex-husband. We had a lot of history together - both good, bad and neutral. Am I IN love with him? No, that ended a very long time ago. Do I see him? Yes. Do I interact with him? No.

So you're in a small Town but you think some sort of 3-way or 4-way or whatever relationship is going to work?

I never understand why people post on AMHD but then are rude or dismissive when they don't get the answer(s) the feel they want to hear. If you want to hear from people who agree with you talk to him or join Cheaters Anonymous.

SO - if there's this incredible bond between you, he files for divorce, you file for divorce (and drop the Junior High "I'm in love with two men" reasoning - and the amateur psychology) and then you get together and interact with him (and have "encounters" out in public).

You stop messing with this man. It is not just about you two. There is his spouse and yours and your kids.
Stop the dramatics and start behaving like grown ups. Stop this.

@ Wondergirl - thanks for being a little gentle. I know many people see this as a very black and white issue. And they would, especially if they have been betrayed. But from the other side, the issue doesn't look as black and white as I'd imagined it. It's a sickening shade of gray.

No - if this came out as it stands, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Well, of course I wouldn't 'end it all', but it would be really hard for myself confidence and sense of integrity to rebound. Which is why I want to choose a different path.

I guess I just wanted to hear from people whether love for two people can exist. I mean, we love more than one child, right? And marriage, with the obligation to be with only one person forever is a social construct. It was made by humans to make property laws simpler. I'm just not sure, now, whether the heart follows the same rules.

I feel like, if this could be okay with L's partner and mine, then is it so wrong?

No - if this came out as it stands, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Well, of course I wouldn't 'end it all', but it would be really hard for my self confidence and sense of integrity to rebound. Which is why I want to choose a different path.

I guess I just wanted to hear from people whether love for two people can exist. I mean, we love more than one child, right? And marriage, with the obligation to be with only one person forever is a social construct. It was made by humans to make property laws simpler. I'm just not sure, now, whether the heart follows the same rules.

I feel like, if this could be okay with L's partner and mine, then is it so wrong?


And this truly sums it up - it's all about you. If the relationship comes out, is revealed, Yourself confidence and sense of integrity would be damaged. Not your husband's, his wife's, your children's. Your concern is you.

Of course you can love two people. I don't think love for a child and love for a partner are the same love. You can argue love is love, but I don't believe it's the same.

I also don't agree with this: "And marriage, with the obligation to be with only one person forever is a social construct. It was made by humans to make property laws simpler." Do you have a source for why marriage was "made by humans" to make property laws simpler? Marriage doesn't simplify anything - not at all. Without marriage and property laws a whole bunch of Attorneys would be out of work.

I think your mind is made up because you appear to be excusing your bad behavior.

I wish you well, I truly do. I'm an investigator. I do matrimonial surveillances. With the except of a handful of cases over the years I find the work. It's my job... but I know I'm hurting the innocent spouse. No easy answer.

I have never cheated. I like to look at an attractive man. I work in a male-dominated world. I partnered with men for years. Did I ever, every cross the line (and that included emotionally)? No, not once, not ever. Even if the relatonship never turned physical I simply couldn't look in my husband's face and lie.

Exactly... as was stated before... people know... no matter how careful you think you've been... then people eventually talk... when people talk rumours start... some true... some not so true... but all rumors can destroy reputations... and the families of all involved.

Rumours can also lead to getting fired from your job... and make it difficult or impossible to get a new job.

And its true in a huge city as it is in a small town... it just happens at a faster pace in a small town.

So, this has all got me wondering. Did I write this 'question' to be given a wake up call? In part, I suppose. But I don't feel particularly awake. Judgement is easy, really. Comparing yourself to me, and seeing yourself as better, is comfortable. But, naturally, you don't know me. You don't know how I live my life. I can tell you that I am not selfish - but clearly many would not believe me.

When I write 'my sense of integrity and self confidence' I'm recognizing that at the end of the day it is our own selves to whom we are accountable. My sense of self would suffer because of my deep concern for the others that my actions affect.

Maybe my thinking outside the box at the concept of love and the concept of marriage is seen as me trying to justify my actions. Maybe it is. But wow - infidelity is rampant in all societies, so I think it's pretty narrow minded to think that all those billions of people are just bad and selfish. Don't you think that there are bigger notions at work here?

Marriage IS a social and cultural construction. Just Google it, and see the articles that come up. Most of the ones that argue to the contrary are people who are against gay marriage, or any union that defies the one man - one woman norm. For me, marriage is a public declaration of a commitment, a commitment I still hold very dear regardless of the assumed terms of that commitment. And by that, I mean the notion that I could never have feelings for anyone else. I honestly just don't think that it works that way.

Someone wrote on another thread that deals with this idea of loving two people that you can love two people, but that being committed to two people is problematic. I think I agree with that. I know that my situation is not a good one, because regardless of how I feel about the social construct of marriage, I live in the society that constructed it. But I'm not selfish; I'm caught between being honest about my feelings and what society thinks is right. When you are open to love, you'll be shocked where you find it.

So, this has all got me wondering. Did I write this 'question' to be given a wake up call? In part, I suppose. But I don't feel particularly awake. Judgement is easy, really. Comparing yourself to me, and seeing yourself as better, is comfortable. But, naturally, you don't know me. You don't know how I live my life. I can tell you that I am not selfish - but clearly many would not believe me.

When I write 'my sense of integrity and self confidence' I'm recognizing that at the end of the day it is our own selves to whom we are accountable. My sense of self would suffer because of my deep concern for the others that my actions affect.

Maybe my thinking outside the box at the concept of love and the concept of marriage is seen as me trying to justify my actions. Maybe it is. But wow - infidelity is rampant in all societies, so I think it's pretty narrow minded to think that all those billions of people are just bad and selfish. Don't you think that there are bigger notions at work here?

Marriage IS a social and cultural construction. Just google it, and see the articles that come up. Most of the ones that argue to the contrary are people who are against gay marriage, or any union that defies the one man - one woman norm. For me, marriage is a public declaration of a commitment, a commitment I still hold very dear regardless of the assumed terms of that commitment. And by that, I mean the notion that I could never have feelings for anyone else. I honestly just don't think that it works that way.

Someone wrote on another thread that deals with this idea of loving two people that you can love two people, but that being committed to two people is problematic. I think I agree with that. I know that my situation is not a good one, because regardless of how I feel about the social construct of marriage, I live in the society that constructed it. But I'm not selfish; I'm caught between being honest about my feelings and what society thinks is right. When you are open to love, you'll be shocked where you find it.


I can only judge you by your words - and so far it's all about you. How the affair will affect you, yourself esteem and so forth. You don't want your sense of self to suffer? The heck with his wife's sense of sense? And your husband's?

Don't tell me about your Internet research - that's not how this Q&A site works. Post your source. I'm not going to do the research.

And don't preach to me - or any of us - about being open to love. It's passive/aggressive, and it's insulting.

You can post your theories until the end of time - I didn't find it necessary to get on this site, obtain a user name and post this question. You did. If you already have all the answers and just want to argue, go to a discussion site.

So, this has all got me wondering. Did I write this 'question' to be given a wake up call? In part, I suppose. But I don't feel particularly awake. Judgement is easy, really. Comparing yourself to me, and seeing yourself as better, is comfortable. But, naturally, you don't know me. You don't know how I live my life. I can tell you that I am not selfish - but clearly many would not believe me.

Honestly, it sounds like to me that you would rather be single with the options of dating/sleeping with whom you wanted. As Judy states, this seems to be about you and your feelings. Billions committing infidelity? I'd like to see the statistics of that actually.

I'm not really sure where you are getting your definition of marriage but Wikipedia is not your friend;

1. mar•riage/ˈmarij/
Noun: 1. The formal union of a man and a woman, typically recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife.
2. A relationship between married people or the period for which it lasts.

This has nothing to do with social interaction as you are claiming and to your gay marriage comment, that is just completely ignorant. This has nothing to do with that. Marriage is between two people which is what the law dictates depending on the state (male female, gay or not). Not between a married person and another that loves yet another.

You are in “love” with your husband and another man. You owe it to your husband to tell him how you feel in regards to this other man. If you are unable to than you yourself are not being honest to the people that you love.

I disagree with everything in your post, DsprtCfsd, except for the last line. I do plan on telling my husband how I feel, because I do value honesty and integrity in a relationship.

As for the rest - no, I don't want to be single with options to date whomever, and yes, I think infidelity is more rampant than most would think. As for the 'definition' of marriage (if we hold wikipedia to be the highest authority, which I don't) even that definition does not explicitly deny that there could be love outside the formal union, for the period for which it lasts.

And your second to last paragraph just upholds my position that marriage is a social construct (not interaction). Yes, 'the law dictates', but that's about all... Law IS a social construct, created by men for men (and I mean that in the gender neutral way).

This is NOT about me and my feelings - I'm sorry if I came off that way - I was simply stating my feelings to an anonymous collection of people to see how they would react. If it was just about me, there wouldn't be a question at all.

But I see that most people are pretty sure in their position that marriage has no room for extra love. I understand that, but I don't feel it. If I could turn these feelings off, I would, but they are there, all the time, screaming to be noticed. I do love my husband, and I love my family. Heck, I love L's family too. I love my community, and I love my friends. As you can see, I have a lot of love. I plan on trying to bring my feelings for L out into the open as best I can and as gently as I can. I owe that to everyone. I even owe it to myself.
I feel okay doing that, because I do think I can love two men at once, despite the opinions held here.

Unfortunately, I know that I'll come up against the same opinions here, amongst my friends, family, and community. But I'm willing to push the boundaries. I'm willing to challenge social conventions. Because the heart wants what the heart wants, and sometimes you have to be true to that.

Who knows where this path will lead. But I'm going to walk it, carefully and honestly.

[url=http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html]

I will say right now that I didn't read all the posts already given in this thread.

I'll answer your question, the question of whether you can love two different men. The answer is yes, you can.

There is a but.

You can love two different men, but should you have sex with both? Should you lie to one to cheat with the other? Is that love?

If you love both, then can you hurt one just to please yourself, because that's what you're doing, and if you're really honest with yourself you'll realize that. This isn't about them, it's about you, and what you want. You want both. That's not the world we live in. You can't have both.

You made a choice. You chose to lie to your husband, the man you vowed to be faithful to. You went behind his back and messed around with someone. This wasn't an accident, you chose to do this. You did have a choice. Your posts makes it sound like you didn't. You and I both know that's not true. You could have kept your knees crossed and kept your feelings to yourself, instead you sought out the man you wanted, and you made it clear to him that you wanted an affair with him. It's not nearly as innocent as you want to pretend it is.

So, you're left with two men, one that trust you, loves you, and you claim to love right back. The other that is a friend of your husbands but back stabs him every time he screws you, and just to add insult to injury, he has a partner as well.

Choose. You can be in love with both, but you have to commit to one, and be grownup and responsible enough to realize that you can't physically have both. So choose. Husband or lover. Once you choose, you have to tell the one that isn't chosen that it's over, and end it for good!

No more pity party for you. You're not the victim in all of this, the only victim is the poor man that married you and thinks you're faithful to him.

[url=http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html]



I can find research on the Internet that proves Elvis is alive and was seen eating a cheeseburger in a McDonald's -

Have you given thought to how this will affect your kids? Are you planning on completely destroying this man's marriage as well by being open about this?
I think you are being selfish. You want your cake and eat it too. Like teenager with overloaded hormones wanting to shout out to the world.
You are a married woman with children for goodness sake.

You are obviously determined to pursue this affair so I'm only going to ask;

Are you willing to risk destroying not only your marriage and family but your husband's friend's as well? Are you OK with your small community rejecting you because of the damage this will do to the two families? Are you willing to lose your friends over this decision? Job? House? Kids?

Have you given thought to how this will affect your kids? Are you planning on completely destroying this man's marriage as well by being open about this?
I think you are being selfish. You want your cake and eat it too. Like teenager with overloaded hormones wanting to shout out to the world.
You are a a married woman with children for goodness sake.


Maybe if this is about defending loving two men it should be a discussion - obviously the advice is going unheeded and other people might have other opinions in another place.

Oh, I knew people would react like this. No, we can't cease contact, our lives are totally intertwined. And yes, his relationship was not good before anything happened. And NO - we haven't actually slept together.

Next please?

No duh people are going to react like this, because it's WRONG.
You really don't deserve to be married. Your choices have shown a level of immaturity, selfishness and disrespect that no partner deserves. What are you thinking? All of this has been about you, and I'm sure you've made up every excuse in the book to justify your behaviors the whole way through. You feel a connection with him? That's normal! But that doesn't mean you have to act on it. You've been cheating emotionally, and you've been cheating physically. You're also acting like a home wrecker in other people's relationships. Ask yourself this: how many lives are you affecting? You're also behaving like a toxic narcissist. Your posts show zero remorse and zero empathy for your husband. It's bizarre. If you don't want to act like a married woman, then fess up to your husband and do him the biggest favor of your lives: get a divorce.

Uwilldk, is there any reason you are opening threads as old as 2010 to vent about cheating?

Do you have a question?