I have been with my boyfriend for8 month and I want to marry him in a few years time. My parents are looking at other perposals at the moment. They don't know anything about my boyfreind. I'm still a virgin but have only kissed and hugged my boyfriend. My boyfriend wants time as he keeps saying he wants to be financially stable before he marries me and takes on responsibility. My parents want to get me marreid off in a years time. My boyfriend needs at least 2 to 3 years I'm so confused of what I should do. If I tell my parents about him then he can't marry me at the moment and if I hide it from them then I have no reason to reject other purposals. Can someone please guide me the right way... I don't want a boyfriend and not be able to marry him... Please help me :(

I have been with my bf for8 month and I want to marry him in a few years time. My parents are looking at other perposals at the moment. They don't know anything about my boyfreind. I'm still a virgin but have only kissed and hugged my bf. My bf wants time as he keeps saying he wants to be financially stable before he marries me and takes on responsibility. My parents want to get me marreid off in a years time. My bf needs atleast 2 to 3 years I'm so confused of what I should do. If I tell my parents about him then he can't marry me at the moment and if I hide it from them then I have no reason to reject other purposals. Can someone please guide me the right way...... I don't want a bf and not be able to marry him .......... Please help me :(


This is an International site. You are not in the US?

I don't understand the two choices - tell your parents and what happens OR hide it from them and they will accept another proposal on your behalf?

What is you tell them but tell them a wedding is 2 years in the future? Is that not an option?

This is an International site. You are not in the US?

I don't understand the two choices - tell your parents and what happens OR hide it from them and they will accept another proposal on your behalf?

What is you tell them but tell them a wedding is 2 years in the future? Is that not an option?

Nope that's not an option they seriously want me out ASAP because islam says girls should be married ASAP

Nope that's not an option they seriously want me out ASAP because islam says girls should be married ASAP


So your choices are defy your parents and refuse to marry the person they select OR give up your boyfriend and please your parents?

YIKES!

You want to be guided the right way in Islam?
You should not have been dating the first place. You should have told your parents about your interest in this boy, and his interest in you. And your parents could have set up chaperoned time together.

As it is right now, if you want to do the right thing, tell your parents, give dua, and ask your parents to consider the young man as a suitor.

Where do you live?

And no. Islam does not say girls must be married ASAP. A girl CAN be married when she reaches puberty. But that does not mean that it is required that a girl be married by puberty. In fact, many Muslim girls live with their families well into adult hood before marriage.

I really need to know where you live.

You want to be guided the right way in Islam?
You should not have been dating the first place. You should have told your parents about your interest in this boy, and his interest in you. And your parents could have set up chaperoned time together.

As it is right now, if you want to do the right thing, tell your parents, give dua, and ask your parents to consider the young man as a suitor.

Where do you live?

And no. Islam does not say girls must be married ASAP. A girl CAN be married when she reaches puberty. But that does not mean that it is required that a girl be married by puberty. In fact, many Muslim girls live with their families well into adult hood before marriage.

I really need to know where you live.
Hi I live in london... My family are Cultural and they are typical pakistanis

Thank you.

Living in London, you do have the option of walking away from your parents. If you are a legal adult, just walk away. If you are not, go to a shelter and they can help you.

However, this also means going against Islam, turning your back on your parents.

You want to be guided the right way in Islam?
You should not have been dating the first place. You should have told your parents about your interest in this boy, and his interest in you. And your parents could have set up chaperoned time together.

As it is right now, if you want to do the right thing, tell your parents, give dua, and ask your parents to consider the young man as a suitor.

Where do you live?

And no. Islam does not say girls must be married ASAP. A girl CAN be married when she reaches puberty. But that does not mean that it is required that a girl be married by puberty. In fact, many Muslim girls live with their families well into adult hood before marriage.

I really need to know where you live.



Jennie - I can't say it often enough. I learn SO MUCH from you! I'm always smiling when I see your name on a thread.

Thank you.

Living in London, you do have the option of walking away from your parents. if you are a legal adult, just walk away. if you are not, go to a shelter and they can help you.

However, this also means going against Islam, turning your back on your parents.

I came here for advice thinking there. Are people out there who will guide me the right way, however I don't think I want your advice on leaving my parents annd walking away. Maybe I'll stay confused about what to do for a long tiMe but I won't follow on your suggestion on leaving parents.amywais thanxs for your opinion

I came here for advice thinking there. Are people out there who will guide me the right way, however I don't think I want your advice on leaving my parents annd walking away. Maybe I'll stay confused about what to do for a long tiMe but I won't follow on ur suggestion on leaving parents.amywais thanxs for ur opinion


When you post on a Q and A site you should expect to get answers from knowledgeable people. What answer WERE you looking for if Jennie's what not what you want?

You can't tell your parents. If you tell your parents they will be disappointed.

If you don't tell your parents they are going to marry you off to the highest bidder.

So - what advice were you expecting? What do you see as the other options? You appear to be sneaking around now to be with your boyfriend. That betrayal of their trust doesn't seem to be a problem for you.

Sorry to be harsh but I grow weary of people who post questions and end up just wanting to hear their own voices.

I came here for advice thinking there. Are people out there who will guide me the right way, however I don't think I want your advice on leaving my parents annd walking away. Maybe I'll stay confused about what to do for a long tiMe but I won't follow on ur suggestion on leaving parents.amywais thanxs for ur opinion

You asked for advice, and you got it. You don't have to take that advice, but Jennie did give a viable answer, one worth considering.

I don't understand what you wanted people to tell you. Either you tell your parents you're in love with this boy and hope they agree to wait for him to marry you, or you marry one of the boys your parents choose for you.

There really is no other option if you're not willing to be on your own and make your own decisions.

I came here for advice thinking there. Are people out there who will guide me the right way, however I don't think I want your advice on leaving my parents annd walking away. Maybe I'll stay confused about what to do for a long tiMe but I won't follow on ur suggestion on leaving parents.amywais thanxs for ur opinion
Jennie was giving you options, choices -- telling you to look at each thing you could choose to do. She didn't tell you what to do. She didn't give you advice.

Now you have to decide what to do -- like Judy said, stay with the boyfriend and even leave home because of him or do what your parents want or finally tell them about the boyfriend and hope they will accept him.

We sit here patiently and await your decision.

Jennie was giving you options, choices -- telling you to look at each thing you could choose to do. She didn't tell you what to do. She didn't give you advice.

Now you have to decide what to do -- like Judy said, stay with the boyfriend and even leave home because of him or do what your parents want or finally tell them about the boyfriend and hope they will accept him.

We sit here patiently and await your decision.


I wonder - if the parents are so controlling, how is the OP able to kiss and hug (and date!) the boyfriend without their knowledge?

Maybe the "I have a boyfriend" conversation will cause problems by virture of hiding the relationship - ?

I wonder - if the parents are so controlling, how is the OP able to kiss and hug (and date!) the boyfriend without their knowledge?

Maybe the "I have a boyfriend" conversation will cause problems by virtue of hiding the relationship - ?
Having worked with and become friends with several Hindu women from India who were willing to discuss their arranged marriages, I learned that often the child's personal preference of a possible mate is okay and will be seriously considered, depending on caste and financial prospects. Muslim parents may have somewhat different standards.

First if the parents have made it clear she is to have a arranged marriage, and she is now disobeying her parents, This can be a serious issue in Islam. Disrespect to parents is a big issue.

If this man is not ready to marry, he should still go ( or if they follow the custom the senior member of his family goes) and they discuss marriage terms. These terms can be for two years if all agree.

If not, he can marry not as prepared will not be the first ones to do that.

If she does nothing, her parents will arrange a marriage and it will be over for her anyway

When you post on a Q and A site you should expect to get answers from knowledgeable people. What answer WERE you looking for if Jennie's what not what you want?

You can't tell your parents. If you tell your parents they will be disappointed.

If you don't tell your parents they are going to marry you off to the highest bidder.

So - what advice were you expecting? What do you see as the other options? You appear to be sneaking around now to be with your boyfriend. That betrayal of their trust doesn't seem to be a problem for you.

Sorry to be harsh but I grow weary of people who post questions and end up just wanting to hear their own voices.

Hi... I'm jist a confused girl looking for a solution for this problem. I asked a Q so I can get others people s opinion as I have Kept my problem to myself and I cnant think properly. I don't want to be selfish so I wanted guidance in what I should do, I appreciate you guys taking time to help me and in this conversation I have realised my parents happiness is more then mine, and hopefully this will help me think more openly, thanxs to everyone for there opinions :)

Hi ..... I'm jist a confused girl looking for a solution for this problem. I asked a Q so I can get others people s opinion as I have Kept my problem to myself and I cnant think properly. I don't want to be selfish so I wanted guidance in what I should do, I appreciate you guys taking time to help me and in this conversation I have realised my parents happiness is more then mine, and hopefully this will help me think more openly, thanxs to everyone for there opinions :)

- And so what is your decision?

That's why I don't understand why she's not willing to talk to her parents about this. They may agree. Many Islamic parents do, if the suitor is the same caste, and acceptable.

Sounds to me like the OP's parents just want her married and out of the house, and aren't willing to wait 2 years for this to happen. They want her out now!

Considering all of this, I still have to ask what advice the OP thought we could offer. There aren't many options here, and she's not willing to take any of the options available.

I wonder - if the parents are so controlling, how is the OP able to kiss and hug (and date!) the boyfriend without their knowledge?

Maybe the "I have a boyfriend" conversation will cause problems by virture of hiding the relationship - ?

Hi... My boyfriend goes to the same college as me,us meeting up is very limited and when I meant kiss I meant kiss on the cheaks only... I only see him during college hoursam I don't get to visit him in holidays and other times

Hi .... My bf goes to the same college as me,us meeting up is very limited and when I meant kiss I meant kiss on the cheaks only...... I only see him during college hoursam I don't get to visit him in holidays and other times

Is he the same caste as you? Would he be willing to talk to your parents, expressing his interest in marrying you?

Hi .... My bf goes to the same college as me,us meeting up is very limited and when I meant kiss I meant kiss on the cheaks only...... I only see him during college hoursam I don't get to visit him in holidays and other times


Your parents would or would not approve if they knew?

- And so what is your decision?
Hi...
I'm taking all the opinions on board and I'm going to take time to think about this carefully. I know me having a boyfriend was wrong in the first place but I was thinking its okey to have a boyfriend as long as we don't have physical relationship between us before marriage, I will let you guys know what my decision is when I know, please make dua for me

Your parents would or would not approve if they knew?
Hi...
I'm totally confused ift they will approve or not because he is from afghanistan and I'm a british pakistani, they will think he wAnts to marry me for british passport or stay, he is travell documents :( that's the reason I'm not sure if they will approve this relationship :(

Hi...
I'm taking all the opinions on board and I'm gona take time to think about this carefully. I know me having a bf was wrong in the first place but I was thinking its okey to have a bf as long as we don't have physical realtionship between us before marriage, I will let you guys know what my decision is when I know, please make dua for me
And maybe if your boyfriend will be a college graduate with a good chance to have a well-paying job and be able to take care of you, your parents might be willing to permit you to marry him someday. Or maybe in two years, you won't care any longer about him.

Will you have the opportunity to get to know any young men your parents are considering?

Hi...
I'm taking all the opinions on board and I'm gona take time to think about this carefully. I know me having a bf was wrong in the first place but I was thinking its okey to have a bf as long as we don't have physical realtionship between us before marriage, I will let you guys know what my decision is when I know, please make dua for me

I do agree. I don't think that having a boyfriend that you're kissing on the cheek and hugging, is a bad thing. But I'm not Islamic.

You live in London, not India. You do have options, and the option Jenny proposed is something you really should consider.

It depends on how you feel about your boyfriend. Do you love him? Do you want to spend your life with him? If you are forced to spend your life with someone else, someone your parents choose, is that okay? Are you okay with that? Are you willing to give up your life for a religion and your parents control over you?

It really depends on the relationship you have with this boyfriend, and the relationship you have with your parents and what they will or will not accept.

Do think about it, and please, do let us know what happens. I hope it all works out, and you end up with the guy you love, not the guy your parents want you to marry, have sex with, procreate with.

Having said that, I'll never understand arranged marriages, especially when the girl loves someone else. But it's not my religion, or belief, and I'm very thankful for that.

The number of questions we get on this site asking "How can I marry the boy I love? He's not the same caste, and my parents won't agree", makes me so sad for these girls, and really makes me question why this is allowed in today's world. I'm so glad I live in a country, and have a belief system, that allows me to choose, and not have other's choices forced on me.

Hi...
I'm taking all the opinions on board and I'm gona take time to think about this carefully. I know me having a bf was wrong in the first place but I was thinking its okey to have a bf as long as we don't have physical realtionship between us before marriage, I will let you guys know what my decision is when I know, please make dua for me

The trouble is if you fall in love and just want him, how do you walk away and go into someone else's bed room and ever treat them properly as a wife?

And maybe if your boyfriend will be a college graduate with a good chance to have a well-paying job and be able to take care of you, your parents might be willing to permit you to marry him someday. Or maybe in two years, you won't care any longer about him.

Will you have the opportunity to get to know any young men your parents are considering?

Hi... umm normaly the boy and girl speak on the phone like once or twice theN they get engaged. I won't get a chance to know him

The trouble is if you fall in love and just want him, how do you walk away and go into someone elses bed room and ever treat them properly as a wife?
Hii... I agree with you I can't imagine being with anyone else as he is my first boyfriend when I was 19. I don't know what I'm going to have to do to please my parents and my love for him, maybe dying is the best solution but its haraam :(

Hi....umm normaly the boy and girl speak on the phone like once or twice theN they get engaged. I won't get a chance to know him

Can you accept that after knowing, hugging, and falling in love with someone you did get to know?

Can you be a good wife (oi, can't believe I just wrote those words), to someone you don't love knowing that you could have married someone you do love?

Hii......... I agree with yu I can't imagine being with anyone else as he is my first bf when I was 19. I don't know what I'm gona have to do to please my parents and my love for him, maybe dieing is the best solution but its haraam :(

Dying isn't a solution. Facing the problem, choosing your own path, no matter how hard it may be, that's the solution.

You discounted Jennies suggestion right away, moving out on your own. Why? Is it your parents, or your religion and your beliefs that are holding you back?

Because I really have to ask, if it's either, then why did you go against both your religion and parents and found a boyfriend to begin with?

You don't follow the rules. You've shown that already. Why are the rules so important now? Do you know that there's a world out there where you can choose what you want for your life with no consequences at all?

I live in that world. Many of us do. I'm not saying give up your religious beliefs, but don't sacrifice your life for them.

Having said that, I'll never understand arranged marriages, especially when the girl loves someone else. But it's not my religion, or belief, and I'm very thankful for that.
Parents, even Christian ones, usually believe they know what is best for their children and will at least try to guide them in making a good choice. Parents look at financial situation, work prospects, family of origin, and other concrete things that can affect the child's entire life, whereas the child thinks only about love. With divorce hitting 50% in this country, maybe we should consider arranged marriages.

Dying isn't a solution. Facing the problem, choosing your own path, no matter how hard it may be, that's the solution.

You discounted Jennies suggestion right away, moving out on your own. Why? Is it your parents, or your religion and your beliefs that are holding you back?

Because I really have to ask, if it's either, then why did you go against both your religion and parents and found a bf to begin with?

You don't follow the rules. You've shown that already. Why are the rules so important now? Do you know that there's a world out there where you can choose what you want for your life with no consequences at all?

I live in that world. Many of us do. I'm not saying give up your religious beliefs, but don't sacrifice your life for them.

Hi me and my boyfriend were just friends and we didn't even notice when we fell in love, I started getting jealouse of other girls and overprotective about him and he was the same about me, we didn't plan falling in love or dating etc... Love is blind and I agree with that 100% because we never thought about the future until a month ago when my dad kept talking about marriage purposals, I never planned having a boyfriend until the age of 19 it just happened... :(

Hi me and my bf were just freinds and we didn't even notice when we fell in love, I started getting jealouse of other girls and overprotective about him and he was the same about me, we didn't plan falling in love or dating ect.... Love is blind and I agree with that 100% because we never thought about the future until a month ago when my dad kept talking about marriage purposals, I never planned having a bf until the age of 19 it just happened...... :(

That's the norm. I wasn't looking for love either when I met my husband. But, when I did, and I fell in love, I was free to marry him. I wanted my parents to like him, but frankly, if they hadn't, it wouldn't have mattered. I married for love, and we've been together for 22 years now, married for 17.

It's really up to you. You don't live in India, you won't be burned at the stake if you decide to marry for love and go against what your parents want. So my question stands. What's more important to you? Love? Religion? Your parents happiness? Your own happiness? Which?

That's what you have to decide. You have to choose what you'll give up, because it sounds like you can't have it all. You either marry this boy because you love him, which means you may lose your parents, or you marry someone they choose, that you don't love, keep your parents, but live a life without love. But your parents will be happy. The question is... will you?

Parents, even Christian ones, usually believe they know what is best for their children and will at least try to guide them in making a good choice. Parents look at financial situation, work prospects, family of origin, and other concrete things that can affect the child's entire life, whereas the child thinks only about love. With divorce hitting 50% in this country, maybe we should consider arranged marriages.

My parents were Christian. My husband is not, never was. Thankfully my parents did love my chosen mate, so it wasn't an issue.

I can say, I'd rather my children marry for love, and fail, then spend their lives married to someone they barely know because that's what I choose.

I raised my kids to be independent, make their own mistakes, and choose their own path. I would never consider an arranged marriage. I'd sell my kids as slaves before I did that, but really, to me it's the same thing. I didn't raise sheep, therefore I'd never treat them as such.

Then you really and I am being honest have no "choice" After they arrange a marriage is too late, and the longer you hide this, He needs to go and talk to your family

Then you really and I am being honest have no "choice" After they arrange a marriage is too late, and the longer you hide this, He needs to go and talk to your family

Exactly. That's the only solution if the OP wants to marry for love.

Doesn't mean mom and dad will be okay with it, but trying is better than accepting whatever fate they decide. And to be fair, mom and dad don't know that the OP has a boyfriend. Maybe if they did, they'd accept him, and the marriage to him.

Won't know unless you try. But saying nothing, that's accepting what mom and dad choose. You're not giving mom and dad any options at all! They can't read minds.

Exactly. That's the only solution if the OP wants to marry for love.

Doesn't mean mom and dad will be okay with it, but trying is better than accepting whatever fate they decide. And to be fair, mom and dad don't know that the OP has a bf. Maybe if they did, they'd accept him, and the marriage to him.

Won't know unless you try. But saying nothing, that's accepting what mom and dad choose. You're not giving mom and dad any options at all! They can't read minds.

Hey... Thanks for your opinion its really made me consider sharing this relationship with my parents... Maybe they think I have no one in mind that's y they are considering proposals. I will try and speak to them Thanks :)

I came here for advice thinking there. Are people out there who will guide me the right way, however I don't think I want your advice on leaving my parents annd walking away. Maybe I'll stay confused about what to do for a long tiMe but I won't follow on ur suggestion on leaving parents.amywais thanxs for ur opinion

Im not sure if you missed it, but I DID give you the correct answer for the right path.

Insha Allah you will will follow what God wants you to do.

Having worked with and become friends with several Hindu women from India who were willing to discuss their arranged marriages, I learned that often the child's personal preference of a possible mate is okay and will be seriously considered, depending on caste and financial prospects. Muslim parents may have somewhat different standards.

Even further, Pakistanis (from what I understand, I may be wrong) are more willing to accept such a thing than a Muslim from Iraq would be.

Hi...
I'm taking all the opinions on board and I'm gona take time to think about this carefully. I know me having a bf was wrong in the first place but I was thinking its okey to have a bf as long as we don't have physical realtionship between us before marriage, I will let you guys know what my decision is when I know, please make dua for me

You are incorrect about that. In Islam, you are not to be alone with any boy without a chaperone. If you have been doing this, that is haram.

Yes, a single women alone with a man is wrong, it is just a matter that in some families they are less strict just like christians are in US. So the poster should not go into details of her relationship, more so, the man needs really to come and talk to her parents.

I truly hope you talk to your parents about this. You CAN request that your parents consider him as a suitor. And many Muslim parents DO allow it. Especially in Pakistan, where the laws are not as strict as Iraq (they are strict, but not as much)

Assalalmu Alaikum.

OH and Ramadan Mubarak!

Hey..... Thanks for ur opinion its realy made me consider sharing this relationship with my parents .... Maybe they think I have noone in mind that's y they are considering proposals. I will try and speak to them Thanks :)

I'm glad that you're considering telling your parents. They can't choose what they don't know about.

I'm not saying they'll accept the boy you choose, but if they don't know he's a possibility, they definitely won't choose him. You have nothing to lose, and possibly a lot to gain by telling them your feelings for this boy. :)

I'm glad that you're considering telling your parents. They can't choose what they don't know about.

I'm not saying they'll accept the boy you choose, but if they don't know he's a possibility, they definitely won't choose him. You have nothing to lose, and possibly a lot to gain by telling them your feelings for this boy. :)


And if I were the parent, undecided about the "boyfriend" and I found out I had been lied to I would not be very understanding.

You are incorrect about that. In Islam, you are not to be alone with any boy without a chaperone. If you have been doing this, that is haram.
Hi... I've not been alone with him anywhere we always together in public in front of everyone as we don't have physical relationship between us. I know it haram and I do ask forgivness from Allah as he is the forgiver

Hi ... I've not been alone with him anywhere we always together in public infront of every1 as we don't have physical relationship between us. I know it haram and I do ask forgivness from Allah as he is the forgiver

Then ask your parents forgiveness for hiding this, tell them how you feel, ask the boy to talk to your parents about his intentions to marry you, and hope that they agree.

That's your best option as far as I see. The only thing your parents can say is no. But they could say yes. Right now they have no idea that this boy even exists, so he's not an option. Make him an option. Talk to your parents. :)