Hi I'm 24 yrs old been with my man for 7 yrs and married 4 yrs.. I try so hard not to be insecure but I have these awful feelings inside of me rise up when I feel like he is looking at other females like for example I saw he liked a page of Facebook about choppers and I looked at the wall and I saw half dressed women on it automatically my insecurities started up I tried to ignore it but the more I do the worse it gets I told him about it and he told me "I know I have to unlike it I just saw images like that this morning" so then I was like OK.. I went back and saw he liked the page four days ago and there had been many images of half dressed women on there not just that one. So I called him again and said you like the page the other day and there was more then that one.. he blew up at me cursing and saying that I'm just his wife andhe doesn't have to answer to me and I shouldn't be questioning him about . So then I started telling him that I've been insecure and that he married me like this if he doesn't.like it he can divorce me etc.. I know its natural for guys to look at bull like that but Ican not be in a relationship like that I love him soooo very much and he has never ever cheated on me or anything and I honestly don't know why I'm like this I have such a hard time trusting very hard time. Really want to get over it and have a healthly relationship but I fear this will kill it.. when I was 11 I had got molested by a friends dad then at 13 u got raped we were drinking at a park one night I remember him knocking me down next thing I remember I woke up naked.. then a yr later I got ganged raped by five guys my friend busted in the door and helped after 3 had gotten there way with me so I have been hurt emotionly and physically really bad I also have issues with my dad my parents got divorced when I was 13 and you was really close to him I've tired many times to get close to him after that and he always blows me off I've cried many times over that.. if anyone can help me with this issue I would love to hear your advice I really want my marriage to work I love my man deeply. Thank you.

Hi I'm 24 yrs old been with my man for 7 yrs and married 4 yrs.. I try so hard not to be insecure but I have these awful feelings inside of me rise up when I feel like he is looking at other females like for example I saw he liked a page of facebook about choppers and I looked at the wall and I saw half dressed women on it automatically my insecurities started up I tried to ignore it but the more I do the worse it gets I told him about it and he told me "I know I have to unlike it I just saw images like that this morning" so then I was like ok.. I went back and saw he liked the page four days ago and there had been many images of half dressed women on there not just that one. So I called him again and said you like the page the other day and there was more then that one.. he blew up at me cursing and saying that im just his wife andhe doesn't have to answer to me and I shouldn't be questioning him about . So then I started telling him that I've been insecure and that he married me like this if he doesn't.like it he can divorce me etc.. I know its natural for guys to look at bull like that but Ican not be in a relationship like that I love him soooo very much and he has never ever cheated on me or anything and I honestly don't know why I'm like this I have such a hard time trusting very hard time. Really wanna get over it and have a healthly relationship but I fear this will kill it.. when I was 11 I had got molested by a friends dad then at 13 u got raped we were drinking at a park one night I remember him knocking me down next thing I remember I woke up naked.. then a yr later I got ganged raped by five guys my friend busted in the door and helped after 3 had gotten there way with me so I have been hurt emotionly and physically really bad I also have issues with my dad my parents got divorced when I was 13 and u was really close to him I've tired many times to get close to him after that and he always blows me off I've cried many times over that.. if anyone can help me with this issue I would love to hear your advice I really want my marriage to work I love my man deeply. Thank you.


In a nutshell - if you've never gone for therapy, go now. I was the adult victim of rape. It scars you. You may not know how deep the scars run - but rapes changes how you feel about yourself.

If you keep hounding your husband and offering/threatening to divorce him you are going to drive him away, but I think you already know that.

You need to find some peace, either by individual or marital counseling

In a nutshell - if you've never gone for therapy, go now. I was the adult victim of rape. It scars you. You may not know how deep the scars run - but rapes changes how you feel about yourself.

If you keep hounding your husband and offering/threatening to divorce him you are going to drive him away, but I think you already know that.

You need to find some peace, either by individual or marital counseling


Thank you for your advice.. I really could use therapy but have no coverage for it.. I feel like that incidents that occurred to me in the past is an excuse for why I am now but when I think about it deeper I feel like that is the exact reason why I am insecure now if I tell my husband that that is still effective in the way my emotions play out he will think its bs.. am I wrong? Or is that the reason for my emotions to act how they do?

What a shame. You should take the advice from those who are trying to help you.

What a shame.

What is shameful can you be more specific?

I mean it is sorrowful. I know you are reaching out. Listen those who are helping you. That's all I was saying.

I really could use therapy but have no coverage for it..
Many counselors have a sliding scale and work with your available finances. Also, if you are in the US, your township or county often has a human services department that provides counselors to low-income people or to those who have no insurance. You just have to start making some phone calls. If nothing else, call your public library's reference department. They should have a list of counselors who work with uninsured clients.

I mean it is sorrowful. I know you are reaching out. Listen those who are helping you. That's all I was saying.

Thanks for explaining it.. I am really hoping I can Change my behavior towards this type of situation for the sake of my wellbeing as well as my marriage.

Many counselors have a sliding scale and work with your available finances. Also, if you are in the US, your township or county often has a human services department that provides counselors to low-income people or to those who have no insurance. You just have to start making some phone calls. If nothing else, call your public library's reference department. They should have a list of counselors who work with uninsured clients.

Thank you I will definitely be looking into that thanks for the advice.

Thanks for explaining it.. I am really hoping I can Change my behavior towards this type of situation for the sake of my wellbeing as well as my marriage.

You are welcome, shygigglez. We are here for you to assist you in whatever way we can. What behavior is it that you wold like to change?

You have a few choices,

1. get professional counseling and get over YOUR issues.
2. keep your mouth shut and stop telling your husband what he can and can not look at on the internet, Heaven help that poor man if you see he has looked at PORN, if you make him unfriend some Facebook page.
3. just get a divorce, and let this poor man have a real life and get to act like a man and do some of the things he wants

You are welcome, shygigglez. We are here for you to assist you in whatever way we can. What behavior is it that you wold like to change?

My insecurities that lead to my reactions to certain situations.

I honestly don't know why I'm like this
Read the last section of your first post. That's why. Please start calling to find a counselor. Wish I lived closer to you and would sign you up for myself!

Step out of that dark side and be ready to embrace a new life that awaits you.

You have a few choices,

1. get professional counseling and get over YOUR issues.
2. keep your mouth shut and stop telling your husband what he can and can not look at on the internet, Heaven help that poor man if you see he has looked at PORN, if you make him unfriend some facebook page.
3. just get a divorce, and let this poor man have a real life and get to act like a man and do some of the things he wants

Oh please don't come at me like that your advice is crappy you need to learn to shut your mouth. You're a typical male! This is supposed to be for help not to make someone feel worse about issues but I know there is always s like you in the world. I just ignore ignorant people like you.

Your and your husband should attend relationship counseling together. It takes two to make a good relationship.

Your and your husband should attend relationship counseling together. It takes two to make a good relationship.

My husband is a great guy I know its all me Im the one with the issues that needs to be resolved he deserves someone with all there together unlike me Im just dragging it our relationship to a low area.. but other then the insecurities we are very much happy with each other its these little conversations I get started with the insecure part of me that cause the infection of our marriage.

Oh please don't come at me like that your advice is crappy you need to learn to shut your mouth. Your a typical male!! This is supposed to be for help not to make someone feel worse about issues but I know there is always s like you in the world. I just ignore ignorant people like you.


You are very much out of line. As it happens I thought I understood what you were saying.

Now you've posted this - if this is your attitude with your husband I well understand the problems in your marriage.

When you post on a Q and A board you get a variety of answers. If you only want to hear from people who 100% agree with you talk to your friends.

Your language is so offensive that it had to be edited out? Apparently so.

You are very much out of line. As it happens I thought I understood what you were saying.

Now you've posted this - if this is your attitude with your husband I well understand the problems in your marriage.

When you post on a Q and A board you get a variety of answers. If you only want to hear from people who 100% agree with you talk to your friends.

Your language is so offensive that it had to be edited out? Apparently so.

I understand that ill get different answers and I have a right to reply as I wish thank you very much! :) and the only word I used with such offensive was a**hole for your obvious concern.. I appreciate all the adviece from anyone but I don't take kindly to rudeness as I'm a very outspoken person and tend to tell people my how I feel straight forward. As I know they are probably correct in what he advised I guess in a way truth does hurt and I get offended to quick instead of just ignoring it I joined to rudeness And made it worse which is one of the other issues I have.

I understand that ill get different answers and I have a right to reply as I wish thank you very much!! :) and the only word I used with such offensive was a**hole for your obvious concern.. I appreciate all the adviece from anyone but I don't take kindly to rudeness as I'm a very outspoken person and tend to tell ppl my how I feel straight forward. As I know they are probably correct in what he advised I guess in a way truth does hurt and I get offended to quick instead of just ignoring it I joined to rudeness And made it worse which is one of the other issues I have.


You have no right to be insulting. You don't have a right to reply as you wish and you're welcome very much.

I guess you are outspoken. How's that working out in your life?

Apparently not too well.

You have no right to be insulting. You don't have a right to reply as you wish and you're welcome very much.

I guess you are outspoken. How's that working out in your life?

Apparently not too well.

Ok well you have a nice life I am a good person with serious issues that I am working on to help my attitude towards different situations and I appreciate advice in anyway and will try and accept them rather then insulting. Sorry to the user that I got rude with. I'm work in progress.

Ok well you have a nice life I am a good person with serious issues that I am working on to help my attitude towards different situations and I appreciate advice in anyway and will try and accept them rather then insulting. Sorry to the user that I got rude with. I'm work in progress.


We are ALL works in progress - nothing special there.

I do have a nice life. The sarcasm wasn't necessary. As far as the "only" offensive thing you called anyone was an a$$hole? And you not only think that's not offensive, you actually came back to defend it?

As I said - I was the adult victim of rape. It changes things. No one is here to hurt you. People are entitled (have the "right") to have opinions. Questions about porn and wives telling husbands they cannot watch porn are posted all the time - all the time! Not everyone thinks the husband should direct the wife's behavior... and the other way around.

As I stood in the Police Station following my rape I was asked what I had been wearing - what? And these are the Police?

It is difficult for me to understand why anyone is threatened or made insecure by photos or videos or whatever else of other women. You do need to talk to someone (which I believe I suggested some posts ago) to work on your insecurities. You are going to drive your husband away, possibly with your demands, possibly with your jealousy and insecurity, possibly because I think you shoot first and think second.

Based on your few posts you criticized a respected member of AMHD, a very respected member, who has helped thousands of people, including calling him names. You posted 7 times (I believe) before you took a shot at a long-time member who has posted 65,000 times. Your rating is in the red. His is not. That tells me something.

That is not a good way to garner sympathy and/or understanding and encourage anyone else to try to help you. I personally don't want to be the next person you take aim at.

We are ALL works in progress - nothing special there.

I do have a nice life. The sarcasm wasn't necessary. As far as the "only" offensive thing you called anyone was an a$$hole? And you not only think that's not offensive, you actually came back to defend it?

As I said - I was the adult victim of rape. It changes things. No one is here to hurt you. People are entitled (have the "right") to have opinions. Questions about porn and wives telling husbands they cannot watch porn are posted all the time - all the time! Not everyone thinks the husband should direct the wife's behavior ... and the other way around.

As I stood in the Police Station following my rape I was asked what I had been wearing - what? And these are the Police?

It is difficult for me to understand why anyone is threatened or made insecure by photos or videos or whatever else of other women. You do need to talk to someone (which I believe I suggested some posts ago) to work on your insecurities. Yu are going to drive your husband away, possibly with your demands, possibly with your jealousy and insecurity, possibly because I think you shoot first and think second.

Based on your few posts you criticized a respected member of AMHD, a very respected member, who has helped thousands of people, including calling him names.

That is not a good way to garner sympathy and/or understanding and encourage anyone else to try to help you. I personally don't want to be the next person you take aim at.


And like I said I was was sorry but it seemed you didn't read that I'm not looking for any sympathy at all just a few things that would help my insecurities stop I am new to this and an used to people being rude and just a straight jerk and I did jump the gun to quick and you don't need to understand why I get insecure by the things I do that's why these are MY issues. I'm not going to be rude ill just try and take the advice As it comes.. sorry for it all immaturity I'm grown and I need to learn to take advice. That is the reason I posted so again I am sorry deeply.

And like I said I was was sorry but it seemed you didn't read that im not looking for any sympathy at all just a few things that would help my insecurities stop I am new to this and an used to people being rude and just a straight jerk and I did jump the gun to quick and you don't need to understand why I get insecure by the things I do thats why these are MY issues. I'm not going to be rude ill just try and take the advice As it comes.. sorry for it all immaturity I'm grown and I need to learn to take advice. That is the reason I posted so again I am sorry deeply.


No problem at all -

When Wondergirl drives to wherever you are for counseling sessions you can stop and pick me up and work with me at the same time. <smirk at Wondergirl>

I haven't asked but does your husband know the how/why/wherefor's of why you're insecure? Sometimes these things are difficult to talk about and, as I said, when the Police "sort of" blamed me for getting smacked around and raped it made me very wary of sharing with strangers and that lasted a very long time.

To this day I cannot sit with my back to a door - for example, in my kitchen one of the chairs faces my stove with its back toward the doorway into the hall. I can't sit in that chair. I have to sit facing the door or with my side to the door. I know it's a carryover but I've grown tired of explaining it to people (who probably think I should get over it.)

No problem at all -

When Wondergirl drives to wherever you are for counseling sessions you can stop and pick me up and work with me at the same time. <smirk at Wondergirl>

I haven't asked but does your husband know the how/why/wherefor's of why you're insecure? Sometimes these things are difficult to talk about and, as I said, when the Police "sort iof" blamed me for getting smacked around and raped it made me very wary of sharing with strangers and that lasted a very long time.

To this day I cannot sit with my back to a door - for example, in my kitchen one of the chairs faces my stove with its back toward the doorway into the hall. I can't sit in that chair. I have to sit facing the door or with my side to the door. I know it's a carryover but I've grown tired of explaining it to people (who probably think I should get over it.)

I have told him about it when we had first gotten serious but in a way it feels to me that he thinks its something I should have been over a long time ago and that he will think its just an excuse for me being this way. I feel ashamed as well and that it is my fault it happened because of the situation I put myself in. :( and I do find myself crying randomly for reasons I don't know.

To this day I cannot sit with my back to a door - for example, in my kitchen one of the chairs faces my stove with its back toward the doorway into the hall. I can't sit in that chair. I have to sit facing the door or with my side to the door. I know it's a carryover but I've grown tired of explaining it to people (who probably think I should get over it.)
That's a cowboy thing -- never sit with your back to the saloon door. (Just looked it up. It was Wild Bill Hickok, shot in the back of the head during a poker game, Deadwood, SD--I've been to his grave)

So when I pick you up, Judy, and we go to shygigglez' place, do you want counseling too, or are you going to contribute something? I heard you bake a wonderful apple kuchen. Maybe shygigglez has some vanilla ice cream to go with it.

I have told him about it when we had first gotten serious but in a way it feels to me that he thinks its something I should have been over a long time ago and that he will think its just an excuse for me being this way. I feel ashamed as well and that it is my fault it happened because of the situation I put myself in. :( and I do find myself crying randomly for reasons I don't know.

My very unprofessional opinion? I wonder if it's some form of post traumatic stress disorder.

You KNOW none of this was your fault. None of it. If you can't or don't say "yes," it's rape. Drunk, sober, high, straight - if you don't say "yes" or don't have the ability to say "yes," it's rape.

Everybody does not the smartest things, puts himself/herself in "situations." Sometimes we're lucky and nothing happens. Other times - not so much. I was young and single and living in NYC. Nothing could touch me. I was untouchable. We went where we wanted, how we wanted, when we wanted. When I look back I shudder. It's part of being young and thinking you are invincible.

It is NOT your fault. It's not an "excuse" for anything in your life. It's part of what has shaped you. If your husband loves you (and he apparently does), he will listen - he may not understand 100% or 1% - but he will listen.

Again - it is NOT your fault!