Boyfriend and I have been together for 13 years and living together for 12 years, since I was 17 and he was 19 (I am now 30 and he is 32). We have two children together, a 6 year old and a 5 year old. When I became pregnant with our first child, we initially got engaged, although there was no proposal or solid plan to actually marry any time soon. He just handed me his mother’s old ring and that was that.

After so much time had passed, I questioned him on whether we would ever get married, to which he replied that “he does not believe in marriage” and “does not want to get married” but does want to be with me forever and keep the family together. This makes me terribly sad because I really want to be married to him and wish he felt that “feeling” for me and had genuinely proposed years and years ago.

Both of us come from broken homes, giving us a kind of uncertainty about marriage (his mother was married several times and has yet to settle down, and my parents were married for 25 years and went through a nasty divorce). I, however, feel pretty confident that our obviously successful relationship will stand the test of time and would like to show the rest of the world that we are a united front and love each other. I feel somewhat judged by others for not being married, and also a bit insecure that my husband is out and about without a wedding ring. He does, admittedly, get hit on often.

As I get older, the thought of not being married to him bothers me more and more. We often get in arguments about it. If we broke up because of this, I believe he would marry someone else (he says he wouldn’t). I feel like he wouldn’t make the same mistake twice with another long-term girlfriend. This thought, which I believe to be true, makes me feel even worse and insecure, as if I am not good enough and don’t deserve his marital commitment.

I love him and believe he loves me, but I wish he was so crazy about me that he wanted to “take me off the market”, so to speak, and show his love to the world by making me his wife. I’m an attractive person and a great girlfriend and mother, and I know that there would be other suitors out there. I just can’t believe after all these years invested in our relationship, he still feels uncertain about me. Even when given the ultimatum of marry me or lose me, he said he wanted me to stay but couldn’t marry me so he would have to lose me. I am so sad and hurt. What should I do?

You've paid your dues girl. If anyone deserves their man to marry them, it's the chick who's stood by him for 13 years and the mother of his kids.

That being said, you need to ask yourself one very important question. Do you want to get married, or do you want a WEDDING? Be honest. We're raised believing we have a right to this magical Cinderella princess day.

If you've been living together for 12 years, it's obvious he's not going anywhere. I'm sure he's thinking "if it ain't broke, don't fix it", "I love her, she knows that, we don't need a piece of paper" etc... Partially he's right.

If you want him to marry you so your commitment is witnessed by your loved ones, and he will have all of the legal benefits of being a spouse, and would still do it even if there was no princess dress, no fancy invitations, no 5 tier cake, and no honeymoon - then you need to express this to him.

But only if you mean it, because otherwise, he'll resent every minute of it.

I’m just taking a guess here based on your post, but when you’ve discussed this with him, how did it go? Does it always escalate into an argument vs. a discussion? Have you already given him an ultimatum or just thinking about doing so? Have you discussed how this affects your children?

I also come from a broken home, so I can understand that perspective. However, my parent’s mistakes do not define me as an adult, nor the choices I make. Perhaps your boyfriend needs to understand that is true for him as well.
We became engaged after 6 years (living together all but two months) and my grandparents said I would “screw it up because your parents did.” Well, obviously that’s just ignorance on their part ~ their issues, if anything, taught me to work harder at my marriage.

I don’t recommend giving him an ultimatum because nothing good can come from it unless you’re 100% sure you’d be okay with ending the relationship over it. Either he will see it as a false threat and you’ll get nowhere, OR he will end the relationship and/or force you to, OR he will consent to marrying you but in time one or both of you will resent that you were married under a “threat.”
There isn’t much to suggest except communication. If you are certain he completely understands how important this is to you, and how by not being married, you feel less loved, suggest couples counseling. If he won’t attend, it might benefit you to do so alone.

Right now it sounds like you’re at a point of self-discovery and decision making. You’ll have to decide how your future with him will continue if he refuses to get married.

Most importantly, remember that you are not at fault. You’re obviously an intelligent and loyal person. His problem most likely comes from his upbringing, which can be hard to overcome. I know it’s hard when you don’t feel valued by your partner, but you must value yourself in order to succeed in life and set the proper example for your children.
Good luck

Be patient and don´t give any ultimatums, nothing good comes out of that. But you really should talk about both your feelings around this topic, and think about them. You shouldn´t feel insecure in a long relationship with someone you lobe and who loves you. Would you feel more secure if you were married? Why? Is that the biggest reason why you want to get married? What else? I´m not questioning you reasons for gettng married but maybe you yourself should. Do you feel you would be unhappy if you knew you two would never marry, even if you would always be together? Why - a marriage itself is not a guarantee for a lifelong relationship? Do you have to feel that way, or is there a way you could feel happy anyway? Make yourself happy. What does your partner say when you talk about how important this is for you, can you talk about it? Can you explain to and make your partner understand why this is so important for your happiness? Does he care? Can he explain in a satifying way for you both why he didn´t want to marry you? Can you talk about the future besides the idea of marriage? I´m sorry, I´m bringing you more questions than answers, but I think you should think about more what you want than what your partner wants. I hope you can answer all the questions I asked - not for me but for you. He seems very happy with you, you deserve to be happy too. I want you to be confident to think and talk and decide about what you have to do for yourself to be happy. I think the key in any relationship is to care and wanting the other person to feel well and happy. But not to the cost of ones own wellbeing. Would it be so bad to get married to someone he loves? What would happen? Does he understand your insecurity? Why is he uncertain about you, are you "not the one", is he waiting for something better? Does he think that all marriages crashes? What is the REAL problem? He should really be able to tell you after so many years together. Good luck!!




Hey, if the boyfriend reads this: You should marry her! She loves you! Married couples fight harder for each other, live longer, are healthier, and kids in family are more secure and happier. You seem like a couple who really are suited for marriage in all ways. Yes I don´t know you, but come on. Marriage is a beautiful thing, you shouldn´t miss out on it, you two. Best to you.