I live in Washington state. I am 37 years old
I have multiphasic Bipolar disorder. 2 years ago I was fired from my job after almost 7 years and bullied for most of it. Which has put a severe damper on me finding a new job.
I am unable to leave my house alone due to a mild case of Agoraphobia. When I am home alone I can't sleep or leave my bedroom due to fear.

I don't have any children which is one reason I am unable to get assistance. I don't have money to even see my doctor. My unemployment check is gone before it comes in (which is about to run out). And I am living almost homeless. No garbage service, no cable, no internet service, no phones I even went without electricity for 6 months until a friend paid almost $3000 to get it reconnected.

For the past 2 years I have been able to get some medication from the street and been rationing it (which I know is not healthy either), but that supply is running out.

I have been in a DV relationship for the past 5 years. I started going to a DV support group for 3 weeks now, but I am unable to get personal counseling due to being in a DV relationship.

All I think about is plotting my suicide. Where? When? How? I have tried a couple of different methods on a couple of different occasions but with no success as you can see. I'm also a cutter so that seems to subside the feelings for a while but can be messy and difficult to hide.

I don't do any illegal drugs or drink. I have very strong moral values. Yes I have spoken to family and friends and they seem to care only for a little while then I am alone again.

What would happen to a person like me when I have to live on the streets? I would rather kill myself then be raped or beaten or anything else that could happen on the streets.

Someone help me please!! I see no other way but to end my life soon.
='(

Well do you get welfare ? Food stamps, medicaid for health care ?

Well do you get welfare ? food stamps, medicaid for health care ?

No I don't qualify for any of that.

Do you have a social worker or counselor who comes to your home?

Well the fact that you don't want to be "raped or beaten or anything else that could happen on the streets" should give your some sort of a boost to try to stay off the streets... It's difficult to actually kill yourself... & I have been thought from very young, running away from your problem is not going to solve it.. & it's a great feeling to overcome a problem. Don't run from it, killing yourself is running from your problem... You said that you spoke to friends& family... How close are you to these friends/family? Nobody offered to stay with you or have you over for a bit?

Do you have a social worker or counselor who comes to your home?

No I can't get help with anything. No one will help me. I don't have money to pay for those types of services and I don't have insurance. Due to the economy and budget cuts everywhere there is not enough funding to help a women with no children.

Well the fact that you don't want to be "raped or beaten or anything else that could happen on the streets" should give your some sort of a boost to try to stay off the streets... It's difficult to actually kill yourself... & I have been thought from very young, running away from your problem is not going to solve it.. & its a great feeling to overcome a problem. Don't run from it, killing yourself is running from your problem... You said that you spoke to friends& family... How close are you to these friends/family? Nobody offered to stay with you or have you over for a bit?

With bipolar I never know which emotion will be coming out next. My friends don't seem to know how to help me I guess. My family has abandoned me except for my twin sister who moved out of state and my verbally abusive mother who lives with me. My violent boyfriend just throws my mental disabilities in my face which is why I am attending a DV support group.

Sorry, if you have no income, yes you can get medicaid and some food stamps, you must have not done something correctly.

Next you should get a disability attorney and file for disability. You will normally be turned down first time but then you appeal with attorney.

You need to get a social service worker to help you, since there are things you have to qualify for if you have no income and living like that.

Why this? "unable to get personal counseling due to being in a DV relationship."

You need a social worker or counselor as an advocate to talk you through applying for Medicaid, food stamps, going to a shelter if you are still in that DV situation, and so on.

Why this? "unable to get personal counseling due to being in a DV relationship."

I called to get counseling several months ago after a DV episode. I was informed that as long as I was still in the relationship with him they would not be able to counsel me due to #1 the safety of the staff if my boyfriend decided to take his rage out on them and #2 they said counseling won't do me any good and they would be wasting their time because any progress I would be making could possibly be ruined when I got home.

Why this? "unable to get personal counseling due to being in a DV relationship."

I was told because I am still in the DV relationship.
1. They don't want him to take any rage out on them and
2. They said it would be a waste of their time since any progress I would have would just be broken when I got home.

sorry, if you have no income, yes you can get medicaid and some food stamps, you must have not done something correctly.

Next you should get a disability attorney and file for disability. You will normally be turned down first time but then you appeal with attorney.

You need to get a social service worker to help you, since there are things you have to qualify for if you have no income and living like that.

I was getting unemployment benefits so I make too much. Problem with that is that one of my medications alone is $300 a month which I can't get because I owe my dr $150 in co-pays from the last time I saw her.I just finished one application with SSI, started on the second one and then I will be able to start one for DSHS. The main problem is being able to survive up to 180 days while they process your application.

So why are you still with him? You are shooting yourself in the foot.

So why are you still with him? You are shooting yourself in the foot.

Have you ever been in a DV relationship?

Have you ever been in a DV relationship?
No, but I understand the dynamics. Why can't you leave?

So why are you still with him? You are shooting yourself in the foot.

The reason I am asking if you have ever been in a DV situation is because its easier to look in on a situation and say "get out get out". My sister was in a DV relationship several years ago and I would ask the same thing "why don't you just leave?".
How strange I just realized that while my sister was being abused I didn't do any research about DV. It was not that I didn't love or care about her but rather I had the attitude of "well if she wants to leave, she will leave." or " she must like it or she would leave" or "if she wants help she will ask for it". Oh how ignorant I was. Which is another reason DV victims are reluctant to speak to people about the abuse. I realize now that I have been in one that it is easier said then done.

I started researching about DV when my physical abuse started 4 years ago. I got the phone numbers, the helpful tips even stashed some money. Statistically it takes an average of 7-9 times of trying to leave an abusive relationship before they are successful. I am working on being that stronger person who will be able to leave. DV does not happen every day like you would see in a movie or on TV. There are several different phases in between. My boyfriend hasn't physically assaulted me for a while but there are other types of abuse that are going on as well that I am finally starting to dealing with. In the mean time I need to be able to work on my own chemically imbalanced mental state.
My financial situation has changed as well as my mental ability to cope.

You need an advocate to help you physically leave, someone to walk you through this. Would you leave if someone would actually come to your house and take you by the hand and walk with you out the door permanently?

You need an advocate to help you physically leave, someone to walk you through this. Would you leave if someone would actually come to your house and take you by the hand and walk with you out the door permanently?

I don't think I would be able to do that right now. I have agoraphobia and just the thought of walking out the door causes serious stress and anxiety for me. I have pets as well that I would need to take with me. He is not a significant part of my problem right now. I told him I would get a restraining order if he didn't leave and he has now been gone for several days. I told him I was unable to work or even think about our relationship until I am able to help myself and get back on my medication. He threatened to rape me a few weeks ago and I told him we were over. He continues to beg me to take him back but I refused. I want to be able to go to work again and not be cooped up on my bed all day. Sometimes I am so scared I won't even leave my room to get something to eat or I wait until I am almost peeing my pants before I go to the bathroom. When he is here I don't have that type of fear. But like I said I want to work on myself and not have to be so codependent on his protection of me.

What will help you break the bonds of agoraphobia and get back to work? What can anyone do to help you?

What will help you break the bonds of agoraphobia and get back to work? What can anyone do to help you?

Counseling and my medication. You have been helping a great deal just by listening. It actually feels good to be able to share what I'm feeling and hope that maybe someone does actually care.
I want to go to work but I'm afraid. I hate sitting at home. I was bullied for 7 years at my last job. They even forced me to take a mental evaluation (which I'm still not sure it was even legal). I hope with the assistance of medication and counseling I will be able to work again.

Does your (prescribing?) doctor know your situation?

Are you taking meds now?

Does your (prescribing?) doctor know your situation?

Are you taking meds now?

The clinic will not allow me to leave a message for my doctor.
I have been able to buy some of my medications off other people and then use them moderately hoping to be able to see my doctor before they run out. But I haven't had the extra money to pay the clinic and I'm finding that I'm getting worse when the meds wear off. If I take a couple of prozac's for a couple of days and during a long visit with family or something like that, where I don't want to be crying the whole time, when I get home and stop taking the pills I crash and become severely depressed and even more suicidal.

Have you contacted a group like Lutheran Social Services or Catholic Charities in your area -- or an abused women's shelter?

Have you contacted a group like Lutheran Social Services or Catholic Charities in your area -- or an abused women's shelter?

They can't prescribe medication and transportation is an issue to get to them. Yes I am looking into the abused women's shelter while attending the DV support group. But my agoraphobia and fear of what will happen to my animals overwhelms me. My pets are my children. I really don't know what I would do without them. They each have a special quality that helps me. I have an akita that has protected me when my boyfriend was going to hit me.

I have spoken to my pastor at the church I started attending for the last 9 months and like everyone else they seem to only care for a little while. He suggested I leave my boyfriend and abandon my pets but I can't do that. I would not be able to recover from the guilt wondering what happened to them and if someone is being mean to them.

Is there someone who would take the pets until you get settled elsewhere? An Akita and what else?

Is there someone who would take the pets until you get settled elsewhere? An Akita and what else?

I was told that the DV hotline might be able to foster them until I was able to get them back. I have a guinea pig, 2 cats (which I adopted from coworkers who were unable to keep them), and my Akita and a red Heeler. The Akita will starve himself until I get home. Even while I was at work and my mother was here she would comment on that. I went away to visit family for a week and when I returned he had lost so much weight his hair was falling out. It took me quite a while to get his weight back up.

I wonder if a Catholic Charities-type transitional housing situation would be possible.

How easily can you get out? (I have an agoraphobic sis in law, so I understand about that.)

I wonder if a Catholic Charities-type transitional housing situation would be possible.

How easily can you get out? (I have an agoraphobic sis in law, so I understand about that.)

I have an appointment with Catholic Community Services now. My unemployment is scheduled to run out next week. If I am able to get an extension on those benefite I will make too much for them to help me. Right now I am hoping I will get some help just to get me started in the right direction.

In my continued research of suicide and suicide methods, I am finding that there is no single method that is 100% guaranteed to succeed. I am more likely to botch the attempt and end up being a far greater burden on my family and society.

I wanted to thank you for listening. It helps more than you know!

I have an appointment with Catholic Community Services now. My unemployment is scheduled to run out next week. If I am able to get an extension on those benefite I will make too much for them to help me. Right now I am hoping I will get some help just to get me started in the right direction.
Let me know what happens.

In my continued research of suicide and suicide methods, I am finding that there is no single method that is 100% guaranteed to succeed. I am more likely to botch the attempt and end up being a far greater burden on my family and society.
I did a sort of study on suicide some years ago and figured that out -- too big of a chance to botch the job and end up as a vegetable.