I have been married for almost 6 years to a wonderful man and we have a beautiful daughter together. About a year ago we started to drift apart with work schedules etc but we just got on with it. At the start of the year I met a man through some mutual friends and we became good friends. We started chatting online and spent time running together - I valued his friendship a great deal. We started confiding in each other and I found out that he had a son and another child on the way which was very exciting for him. I confided in him about my marriage and about how unhappy I was. He was wonderful never judged me and always offered great advice. About 3 months into our friendship I started to develop feelings for him but I never took it any further for fear that it would ruin our friendship. However one night we were sitting talking after a run and he kissed me, it was like someone had just turned on a light in a pitch dark room I'd been stuck in for months! We took our relationship very slowly however it has developed quickly in love. We now spend as much time as possible together. And I am very much in love with this man. I want to be with him as soon as possible but I am very aware that his wife is pregnant. I know you will all think I am awful for doing this but I have followed by heart. This man says he loves me too and that he wants to be with me. Any advice or comments appreciated.

Sorry just realised I didn't actually ask a question. The point is that we have been sleeping together for months now and I can't stop thinking about him. I love him completely and I want to spend my life with him. I want to leave my husband without hurting him (as much as possible). I don't want to tell him about the affair to spare his feelings I fully accept my actions as wrong and accept any judgement from them. What should I do?

I am not sure why you are asking us what you should do. From the sound of it you have already made close to a decision. You are aware of the consequences of the decisions that you will take. You are both married, and if you do decide to pursue your relationship together you will inevitably ruin two marriages, and partners on both sides will be very much hurt, let alone the children involved in both marriages and the complications of dealings with them in the future. I am surprised you both don't show any sign of guilt to your partners over the fact that you both have been having an affair over the course of several months. Is your secret lover thinking the same about leaving his family?

Question: were you very much in love with your current husband in the beginning stages of your relationship?

Sorry just realised I didn't actually ask a question. The point is that we have been sleeping together for months now and I can't stop thinking about him. I love him completely and I want to spend my life with him. I want to leave my husband without hurting him (as much as possible). I don't want to tell him about the affair to spare his feelings I fully accept my actions as wrong and accept any judgement from them. What should I do?


Would I consider spending the rest of my life with a man who cheats on his pregnant wife? No.

In this situation there is no sparing your husband's feelings. It's too late for that.

So I guess you both break up your families and start a life together if you're "so in love" with this other person.

I'd wait until his wife delivers their child before you tell her.

Thanks for the comments. My husband and I were friends who fell in love and I have never felt like this before and I know it's a very complilcated and confusing situation.

I do feel very guilty about how I feel, the implications of my actions and I most certainely do not relish the thought of hurting others in the pursuit of something I want.

We have discussed the future together and he plans to stay with her for a while after the baby is born, which I fully understand and to be honest expected.

I guess what I was asking should I continue to have an affair or break things off - end my marriage on my own terms and see if he still wants me once I am single and available?

Thanks for the comments. My husband and I were friends who fell in love and I have never felt like this before and I know it's a very complilcated and confusing situation.

I do feel very guilty about how I feel, the implications of my actions and I most certainely do not relish the thought of hurting others in the pursuit of something I want.

We have discussed the future together and he plans to stay with her for a while after the baby is born, which I fully understand and to be honest expected.

I guess what I was asking should I continue to have an affair or break things off - end my marriage on my own terms and see if he still wants me once I am single and available?


I admit I'm cynical - but "he" plans to stay with his unsuspecting wife after she has his child and you understand? How noble of you.

No, this isn't complicated and confusing. You are married with a child, he is married with a child and his wife is expecting his child. You had an affair. I don't find that confusing - or complicated.

Have I ever been in a "complicated and confusing" situation/relationship? No, I never betrayed my husband.

If you are leaving your marriage for this man you are making a mistake.

Should you leave or continue the relationship? Ask your husband and his wife how you should proceed.

Was his wife pregnant when you started the physical relationship? Is/was he sleeping with both of you at the same time.

First, if you leave your husband, do so for yourself. Do not leave for another person. If you leave, take time to let go of the past and learn to stand on your own two feet without using a new relationship as a crutch.

Unless you intend to walk away from your children as well as the marriage, remember that they will need time to adjust to the changes in their living arrangements and fundamental views of life and interactions between adults they love and depend on for emotional, mental, and physical support and stability. Adding a new person into their lives will only complicate the healing process.

Now for the harsh part:

Wake up and watch the dream fade as reality sets in. You are stuck in a dream world where dirty laundry and over-flowing garbage cans don't exist. You don't have to hold his hand while he moans about being sick or clean up after his children. You don't have to watch him gobble down your cooking without a thanks or offer to clean up. The grass doesn't have to be mowed and all of the upkeep is someone else's responsibility. This goes for him as well. He doesn't have to listen to you nag or watch you get bigger and your moods swing as the pregnancy progresses. You are both running away from reality instead of working to improve it.

No one can stop you from leaving if you feel it is best for you and your children. However, ask yourself this: Have you done everything you can to improve your marriage? Is it really this other man you want or the feelings being with him evoke? How much of those feelings are rooted in the clandestine nature of your interactions? How much is an adrenaline rush from being 'naughty' and 'bad'?

Remember that this isn't a movie or novel. The ending may not be what you want or what you expect. He may not be the person you think he is.

Make certain that you go forward with open eyes and no rose-colored glasses. Don't deceive yourself into thinking that this man is anything other than a man. Look at what he is willing to do to his wife and children. Ask him if had an affair the first time his wife was pregnant? Are you the only one he has cheated on his wife with? Do you want to be the one he cheats on next when life at home isn't to his liking?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Thank you for all of your comments. I have made the tough decision to end things with my friend / lover. It was very difficult but I plan to leave my husband and I have to do so on my own terms and I plan to be on my own until life is settled for all of us.

If he loves me as much as he says he does and wants to be with me then he will know where I am and only time will tell. At the moment my heart is breaking and I'm sure you will all think I am getting what I deserve but it is very difficult.

I wish you all the best and support with going through the divorce, if that is what you will decide in the end, and taking things step by step on your own pace.


If he loves me as much as he says he does and wants to be with me then he will know where I am and only time will tell.

Just a word of reflection: You have decided to (temporarily) break it off with your friend/lover. Good. Now, you are planning to divorce your husband, to sort things out for yourself. In above quote, are you referring to your husband here or your secret friend/lover? I suspect your friend/lover. Be careful not to get stuck in an emotional rollercoaster jojo ride if you decide to divorce your husband in the end. The feelings will still be there, most likely also for your husband again, as he is the one you have spend most of your intimate time together with. You may feel a big void and isolation, once you move out and leave them both (husband and daughter). You may be torn between both lovers, one "unavailable", and a lot of complications attached (married, daughter, childbirth, indecision about his own marriage), one currently heartbroken and confused; it could be harder to figure things out and detach yourself from the situation to make a neutral decision than you might anticipate.

Have you done everything in your ability to make things work with your husband. Are you sure you want to divorce, and if so is it really so that you can figure things out, or simply hoping that your secret friend/lover will do the same (divorce) and jump in your arms (well, really you jumping in his arms)? Just a thought... Good luck

You may think the grass is greener on the other side, but if you take the time to water your own grass it would be just as green.

I think you are making a big and childish mistake by leaving your husband. If you think this guy is going to leave his wife, child and new baby you are fooling yourself and in the meantime you have made a mess of your family.
Get your hormones under control and use your head.

If I am perfectly honest with myself my marriage was for all purposes over before I became friends with this man. We were still living together, but were not intimate in any way, hardly spent anytime together at all etc. I have made the decision to end my marriage because it's not working and that decision was made based purely on my relationship with my husband. When I told him I thought we should separate he wasn't surprised at all and in fact admitted that he had been feeling the same way. Thankfully we have both agreed to be honest and although he was very hurt when I mentioned that I'd had an affair we wasn't at all surprised and we are now separating with the intention of divorcing but staying as friendly as possible in order to keep life for our daughter as stable as possible. I'm not niave enough to assume that there won't be any bad feelings or hateful comments passed between us but as long as this is hidden from her then I am happy to accept the consequences of my actions.

My plans are to be single, I want to create a life for my daughter where she can spend as much time as possible with both me and her father. I need to work on creating a new relationship with him where we can raise our daughter together but separately and I expect that to take some time. For the first time in years I feel positive about the future, I don't know what it holds for me yet but I know that I am far happier than I have been for a very long time because I'm being honest with myself and those around me. Yes it will be tough but like I said I am an adult and I will accept the consequences of my actions.

As for my friend / lover he was very upset when I broke things off, he says that despite me ending things it doesn't and won't change how he feels. I told him of my plans and he told me that he wants to be with me, in fact he begged me to stay in touch with him as a friend. As difficult as it was I told him that we both knew that we couldn't go back to just being friends now, not after the intimacy we've experienced with each other. I do love him dearly and if in the future once he is single (if he decides to do this on his own terms and for his own reasons) perhaps our paths will cross again. But for now my future is firmly centred on creating a new, different I know but stable nonetheless base for my daughters future.

Marriage takes work. When you became bored and began chatting online and then running together, where did you think this was headed? How did your husband feel at the time? Perhaps he also was tired with the daily grind of life and that energy and attention toward your marriage could have made all the difference. Also, as the father of your children, that alone is enough to make the effort to keep your family together. As far as the other man? Any man who would cheat on his pregnant wife has poor character. He was not loyal and by her side when she needed him most. What makes you think he would be for you. The loyal man sounds like your husband. Try to make it work with him if possible and keep your family together. It is not always about how you "feel." Love and commitment are qualities that remain. Feelings can fluctuate. If you stay with your husband you may find that those feelings will change again. Do not be deceived by a fling with a man that cheated on a pregnant wife and could see you were vulnerable and took advantage of it.

Marriage takes work. When you became bored and began chatting online and then running together, where did you think this was headed? How did your husband feel at the time? Perhaps he also was tired with the daily grind of life and that energy and attention toward your marriage could have made all the difference. Also, as the father of your children, that alone is enough to make the effort to keep your family together. As far as the other man? Any man who would cheat on his pregnant wife has poor character. He was not loyal and by her side when she needed him most. What makes you think he would be for you. The loyal man sounds like your husband. Try to make it work with him if possible and keep your family together. It is not always about how you "feel." Love and commitment are qualities that remain. Feelings can fluctuate. If you stay with your husband you may find that those feelings will change again. Do not be deceived by a fling with a man that cheated on a pregnant wife and could see you were vulnerable and took advantage of it.


I absolutely agree - all the well chosen words in the world do not change the fact that the affair was the catalyst for ending the marriage.

I'm not saying anyone should be unhappy, not at all. I'm saying noble intentions do not change the past.

I find it rather chilling that the OP is considering resuming the relatonship when/if the married ex-lover leaves his family. This man cheated on a pregnant wife with a married woman. The married woman cheated on her husband with the husband of a pregnant woman.

I see disaster in the future if they end up together, neither one able to trust the other.

I also think ending the marriage in peace and harmony sounds wonderful, right up until the arguments about support, custody, vistitation begin.

And as far as the child who (from what I read) had no reason to believe there were problems in the marriage - this has got to be devastating.

My motto: "If he cheated with me he'll cheat on me."

Your marriage started to drift apart a year ago? You certainly didn't give it much time or appear to put too much effort into it. Marriage takes work. Instead of working on things,
You cheated, cheated with another married man with a child and a baby on the way, now you are leaving your marriage and going to wait on this man.
As I said before you are making a childish mistake. You got so hung up on this man and helping to destroy his marriage and family, you give no thought to what you have done to your own.

Another thing. You said " I have been married for almost 6 years to a wonderful man and we have a beautiful daughter together." You had it all. Don't leave it for the unfaithful man who cheated on his pregnant wife and pursued you when you were vulnerable. Forgive yourself, you are human and you messed up. You made a mistake. Beg your husband for forgiveness and the WORK on your marriage. Everyone makes mistakes and although you messed up big, it is NOT beyond repair. Do not throw this wonderful family away so easily. FIGHT for it. Fight to earn your husband's forgiveness and trust again. Run as far away as you can from the cheater. He is self serving and self seeking. Get your family backing track. You can do it. KEEP what you have and do not let it slip through your fingers. Your husband was and still is wonderful. Let him know it. Then forgive yourself for making a mistake.

Another thing. You said " I have been married for almost 6 years to a wonderful man and we have a beautiful daughter together." You had it all. Don't leave it for the unfaithful man who cheated on his pregnant wife and pursued you when you were vulnerable. Forgive yourself, you are human and you messed up. You made a mistake. Beg your husband for forgiveness and the WORK on your marriage. Everyone makes mistakes and although you messed up big, it is NOT beyond repair. Do not throw this wonderful family away so easily. FIGHT for it. Fight to earn your husband's forgiveness and trust again. Run as far away as you can from the cheater. He is self serving and self seeking. Get your family backing track. You can do it. KEEP what you have and do not let it slip through your fingers. Your husband was and still is wonderful. Let him know it. Then forgive yourself for making a mistake.


She says she's unhappy and not leaving because of this other man/the affair.

If she is/was so unhappy that she turned to another man for comfort I believe it's a mistake to cling to her husband.

I think she could have spent sometime working on her marriage, or at least left it before she started messing around with a married man who has a child and a baby on the way.
She also says her husband was not surprised that she wants a divorce. Maybe the marriage was bad.
I can't believe she is willing to wait for this guy to leave his wife and new baby for her. That is pretty sad.

She says she's unhappy and not leaving because of this other man/the affair.

If she is/was so unhappy that she turned to another man for comfort I believe it's a mistake to cling to her husband.

I don't think she's clinging to her husband at all and I am not suggesting that. Marriage takes "work." There are low times and times that we all struggle in marriage. It may not be the fault of the marriage, but the boredom and routine of life, or the normal stressors of life. If we hang in there for the long haul, if we weather the difficulties we may experience in any marriage, we will discover a depth of love that can only be attained through just that.
I will be married 32 years this fall. I am very much "in love" with my husband. He can still make my heart flutter. He is my best friend and we enjoy each other's company immensely. After 6 kids and navigating life's challenges, believe me, I did not always "feel" in love. But I stayed committed to my marriage and the man that loved me.
I don't think when she has 6 years and a child invested in a relationship that she should be so quick to hit the door. She has a lot of positives in what she once had. It is fixable. Love can always overcome.

I don't think she's clinging to her husband at all and I am not suggesting that. Marriage takes "work." There are low times and times that we all struggle in marriage. It may not be the fault of the marriage, but the boredom and routine of life, or the normal stressors of life. If we hang in there for the long haul, if we weather the difficulties we may experience in any marriage, we will discover a depth of love that can only be attained through just that.
I will be married 32 years this fall. I am very much "in love" with my husband. He can still make my heart flutter. He is my best friend and we enjoy each other's company immensely. After 6 kids and navigating life's challenges, believe me, I did not always "feel" in love. But I stayed committed to my marriage and the man that loved me.
I don't think when she has 6 years and a child invested in a relationship that she should be so quick to hit the door. She has a lot of positives in what she once had. It is fixable. Love can always overcome.


One more thought and then it's a blog, not a Q&A Board - great that you've been married a long time. We all have our "how/why we stayed married" stories - 32 years and 6 kids is great.

However, this woman had an affair with a married man whose wife was pregnant.

I think that says a lot about her. I'm not sure that she's the best partner for her husband.

Sometimes all the "trying, work and effort" in the world doesn't change the course of the marriage.

Here's the difference - you stayed committed. She didn't.

If I were the husband involved in this I would NOT continue to try.

I've done more matrimonal surveillances this year that the average person HEARS about in a lifetime. I see this all the time. Some people are serial cheaters. Others cheat once and learn. Some will always look to someone else during rough times. Some won't. I can live with all of those scenarios.

I can't understand a married woman who cheats with a married man who has a pregnant wife - I just can't. And she loves him but is nobly going to go her own way until he decides what he wants to do next?

No, it isn't over with the boyfriend. It's over with the husband and she'll be waiting - and waiting - and waiting for the boyfriend to make his move.

I think she could have spent sometime working on her marriage, or at least left it before she started messing around with a married man who has a child and a baby on the way.
She also says her husband was not surprised that she wants a divorce. Maybe the marriage was bad.
I can't believe she is willing to wait for this guy to leave his wife and new baby for her. That is pretty sad.

I agree completely. But perhaps the husband was not surprised because he suspected, or since she was in an affair she already showed signs of emotionally withdrawing from him.
My point is that "the cheater" set her up. He is the one with the pregnant wife. She is lonely and experiencing a low point in her marriage. The cheater knows this and pursues a relationship when he should have been giving the time and attention to his pregnant wife. Had he not entered the picture, she may have gotten through the low point in her marriage, pursuing marriage counseling, or some other positive direction. He was a bum for what he did. Now he baits her with false promises of leaving his wife. The guy is a creep and she was taken advantage of.
I am just saying she needs to fix what she has while she can and not let this horrendous mistake (because it was horrendous) destroy all the good she had going on prior.

One more thought and then it's a blog, not a Q&A Board - great that you've been married a long time. We all have our "how/why we stayed married" stories - 32 years and 6 kids is great.

However, this woman had an affair with a married man whose wife was pregnant.

I think that says a lot about her. I'm not sure that she's the best partner for her husband.

Sometimes all the "trying, work and effort" in the world doesn't change the course of the marriage.

Here's the difference - you stayed committed. She didn't.

If I were the husband involved in this I would NOT continue to try.

I've done more matrimonal surveillances this year that the average person HEARS about in a lifetime. I see this all the time. Some people are serial cheaters. Others cheat once and learn. Some will always look to someone else during rough times. Some won't. I can live with all of those scenarios.

I can't understand a married woman who cheats with a married man who has a pregnant wife - I just can't. And she loves him but is nobly going to go her own way until he decides what he wants to do next?

No, it isn't over with the boyfriend. It's over with the husband and she'll be waiting - and waiting - and waiting for the boyfriend to make his move.

Okay, sorry... :-) can't resist answering and don't know the site rules... BUT :-) you can be sure if MY man had an affair (he has not), but IF he did, no other woman is getting him from me. I would fight tooth and nail for the relationship. I know I have a good man and would not sit idly by and lose him. I would forgive him and seek counseling to correct the issues that caused it to happen to start with. The lady states her husband is "wonderful." She realizes now she had a good thing. She obviously feels destroyed over her behavior.
I am just saying that ultimately where will she find herself? Realizing the cheater is a bum who will not leave his wife, and then what? Searching for a "wonderful man" again. Exactly what she already has. So I say she made a 1 time mistake, seek counseling and fight for the relationship. Marriage takes work, but is sooooo worth it.

If this woman had put as much effort into fixing what had gone wrong in her marriage as she did spending time with this man, they may have been able to work through some things.
She said she started developing feelings for him. She should have stayed away from him then. I blame her, She is not a child. She decided to play with fire. I They both acted reckless and selfish.
I find her extremely selfish in that she is willing to wait for this man to leave his family for her. That is disgusting.

LuckyGirl2012
How old are you? I just find it weird how quickly you fell for this man and then left your marriage. How old is this man?

Okay, sorry.....:-) can't resist answering and don't know the site rules....BUT :-) you can be sure if MY man had an affair (he has not), but IF he did, no other woman is getting him from me. I would fight tooth and nail for the relationship. I know I have a good man and would not sit idly by and lose him. I would forgive him and seek counseling to correct the issues that caused it to happen to start with.


Now I can't resist. Unless you've been there you don't know how you would handle a situation like this. You can "know" - but you don't "know. No secret, I've been there.

You suddenly realize that your partner, the man who exchanged vows with you, not only had sex with another woman (or women) but looked you in the face and lied about where he was, what he was doing. He lied over the phone, he lied in person. He lied and lied. He had a partner in that lie. He brought a third party in the marriage.

And now you're supposed to believe anything he says from that day forward?

Again, you may "know. No secret, I've been there.

You suddenly realize that your partner, the man who exchanged vows with you, not only had sex with another woman (or women) but looked you in the face and lied about where he was, what he was doing. He lied over the phone, he lied in person. He lied and lied. He had a partner in that lie. He brought a third party in the marriage.

And now you're supposed to believe anything he says from that day forward?

Again, you may "... but, with respect, you don't "know." ... but, with respect, you don't "know."

Do you know why I don't give advice to people who have 6 kids and are married 30+ years? Because I've never been there, and so it's what I think I "a bum"'

The other man was "advantage" (your words) who took "takes advantage." of her (again, your words). Do you know why I've never had an affair? Because I don't believe in cheating. Apparently the OP does.

No one "advantage" of? No. Why? I loved my husband.

I DO know how I would handle this situation. With respect, again, you are pretty much guessing, well intended guesses - but guesses just the same.

Now I can't resist. Unless you've been there you don't know how you would handle a situation like this. You can "kmow" - but you don't "know. No secret, I've been there.

You suddenly realize that your partner, the man who exchanged vows with you, not only had sex with another woman (or women) but looked you in the face and lied about where he was, what he was doing. He lied over the phone, he lied in person. He lied and lied. He had a partner in that lie. He brought a third party in the marriage.

And now you're supposed to believe anything he says from that day forward?

Again, you may "know" ... but, with respect, you don't "know."

Do you know why I don't give advice to people who have 6 kids and are married 30+ years? Because I've never been there, and so it's what I think I "know."'

The other man was "a bum" (your words) who took "advantage" of her (again, your words). Do you know why I've never had an affair? Because I don't believe in cheating. Apparently the OP does.

No one "takes advantage." My late husband was an invalid for over 5 years, in the hospital more time than he was home. I changed this proud, educated man's diapers. Did I ever get taken "advantage" of? No. Why? I loved my husband.

I DO know how I would handle this situation. With respect, again, you are pretty much guessing, well intended guesses - but guesses just the same.

Sorry, JudyKayTee. I stand corrected and I didn't mean to step on your toes there. I was ONLY meaning a one time mistake where there is remorse. Your situation would be truly terrible to experience and I am very sorry you experienced that.
Although my marriage did not experience infidelity from either of us, I do not feel I am unqualified to give advice. I do have experience with commitment... as you obviously do too. Very admirably I might add.
And I still do believe in the advice I gave as is, but as I stated... if it's a 1 time thing and remorse is there.

I also think there are many ways to view a situation coming from various backgrounds and experiences. Obviously my life experience has influenced my advice, as has yours. I don't claim to be correct, but I still believe in the advice I gave if it is a 1 time mistake and NOT habitual cheating. Multiple views and advice can only strengthen an individual making considerations and important life choices. In abundance of counselors there is victory :-)
Also, I would like to add... I DO NOT agree, or believe in cheating either. But I do understand that the reality is that people will fail and make mistakes.

Sorry, JudyKayTee. I stand corrected and I didn't mean to step on your toes there. I was ONLY meaning a one time mistake where there is remorse. Your situation would be truly terrible to experience and I am very sorry you experienced that.
Although my marriage did not experience infidelity from either of us, I do not feel I am unqualified to give advice. I do have experience with commitment....as you obviously do too. Very admirably I might add.
And I still do believe in the advice I gave as is, but as I stated.....if it's a 1 time thing and remorse is there.

I also think there are many ways to view a situation coming from various backgrounds and experiences. Obviously my life experience has influenced my advice, as has yours. I don't claim to be correct, but I still believe in the advice I gave if it is a 1 time mistake and NOT habitual cheating. Multiple views and advice can only strengthen an individual making considerations and important life choices. In abundance of counselors there is victory :-)
Also, I would like to add....I DO NOT agree, or believe in cheating either. But I do understand that the reality is that people will fail and make mistakes.


Nope, no stepping on my toes. AMHD stays interesting because we've all had different experiences, come from different places.

By the way, the husband who cheated was not the same husband who left me a widow. The cheater is alive and well (as far as I know), probably still cheating. The good guy is dead. Sometimes life makes little or no sense.

I didn't do anything any other woman wouldn't have done.

I am kind of new on here. When I go to my profile it shows this thread and says there is 1 alert. What does that mean?

I don't know what skin you use. Just click on it, it could mean you have a private message or someone who wants you on their list.

Thank you all for your comments. My marriage was over long before this man entered the picture and yes I was selfish and cruel in allowing myself to have a relationship with him. I betrayed my husband in the worst possible way. But my marriage is not a victim of the affair.

I haven't slept in weeks, I am a wreck because of this and I am well aware of my actions and the pain they have / are likely to cause.

As for my lover, I am NOT waiting for him. It's over and all I said was that if our paths crossed again in the future then who knows - I am certainly not ending my marriage in the hopes that he will come running and expect a fairytale ending.

I cheated on my husband and made a mistake but I had no idea his wife was pregnant at the time - I only discovered this further down the road.

Oh I'm 31 and he is the same age. My husband is 10 years old than me.

Thank you all for your comments. My marraige was over long before this man entered the picture and yes I was selfish and cruel in allowing myself to have a relationship with him. I betrayed my husband in the worst possible way. But my marriage is not a victim of the affair.

I haven't slept in weeks, I am a wreck because of this and I am well aware of my actions and the pain they have / are likely to cause.

As for my lover, I am NOT waiting for him. It's over and all I said was that if our paths crossed again in the future then who knows - I am certainly not ending my marraige in the hopes that he will come running and expect a fairytale ending.

I cheated on my husband and made a mistake but I had no idea his wife was pregnant at the time - I only discovered this further down the road.


Okay, my personal experience is coloring my answer, no question.

You originally said you and your husband were "drifting apart" about a year ago. I have no idea at what point in those 12 months you became involved with Mr. Married.

As far as you losing sleep and being a wreck, what goes around comes around.

So - you didn't know his wife was pregnant when you started the relationship. Would it have matter if you had known? Sounds like Mr. Married wasn't entirely honest. Wonder if this is his first trip around the block?

I realize you didn't come to AMHD to be judged, I honestly do. I just think the more you explain and try to rationalize the worse you look. Did you really think anyone was going to commend you on your actions?

Thank you all for your comments. My marraige was over long before this man entered the picture and yes I was selfish and cruel in allowing myself to have a relationship with him. I betrayed my husband in the worst possible way. But my marriage is not a victim of the affair.

I haven't slept in weeks, I am a wreck because of this and I am well aware of my actions and the pain they have / are likely to cause.

As for my lover, I am NOT waiting for him. It's over and all I said was that if our paths crossed again in the future then who knows - I am certainly not ending my marraige in the hopes that he will come running and expect a fairytale ending.

I cheated on my husband and made a mistake but I had no idea his wife was pregnant at the time - I only discovered this further down the road.
Sounds like this guy pulled one on you and has probably done it before.
I hope you get your life together after all of this, but I would put thoughts of this guy out of my mind if I were you.

I thought I should update you all on the current situation. I've came clean and told my husband absolutely everything. He knows all about how I had been feeling and the affair and everything. The next day my friend / lover phoned. After my separation from him and through mutual friends finding out that I'd left my husband he contacted me telling me that he'd told her everything and that he could live a lie anymore.

Yes things are still very complicated and my husband and I are getting a divorce and adapting to how we can live separately and still raise our daughter together but at least now there are no lies.

Thank you all for all of your honest comments.