My husband has 3 old flames that he still is friends with, no many how many times I have ask him to stop talking to them he want, he tells me that he has been friends with them for 20 years and know one is going to tell him who he can talk to or be friends with. One of these ladies get Roses ever year on her birthday and he want stop doing that either. We have only been married 2 years been toghter 3 . I need any help someone can give me.

My husband has 3 old flames that he still is friends with, no many how many times I have ask him to stop talking to them he want, he tells me that he has been friends with them for 20 years and know one is going to tell him who he can talk to or be friends with. One of these ladies get Roses ever year on her birthday and he want stop doing that either. We have only been married 2 years been toghter 3 . I need any help someone can give me.


I don't understand your jealousy.

What don't you like about these "old flames"?

You can't make anybody do anything - and that includes who they contact. You can ask and it it makes you jealous and insecure you can demand - I don't know why you would.

Professional help might be the answer - for you, not him. Find out why you are insecure in this relationship.

Clearly insecurity is not the issue. This man does not want to be committed to just his wife. Roses to another woman every year on her birthday is a no no and he knows he is wrong and disrespecting you. I strongly encourage you to leave this man because it clearly looks like he is having an affair. Seeing a counselor will hopefully help if you and him are both willing to fix things.

A spouse who openly likes his or her old flames is a good spouse, I think. No secrets, no pretending. It's healthy.
Jealousy of this sort is going to damage the relationship. We don't know how much he talks with them or how much that has to do with how he treats you, or whether any of it has signs of 'things going on with them.' If it goes over a certain line, then you say something. But if he's just friends with them as he says, then you take him at his word unless you have proof of something else. He needs friends, and so do you, to keep your marriage alive.

clearly insecurity is not the issue. This man does not want to be committed to just his wife. roses to another woman every year on her birthday is a no no and he knows he is wrong and disrespecting you. I strongly encourage you to leave this man because it clearly looks like he is having an affair. Seeing a counselor will hopefully help if you and him are both willing to fix things.


Where do you see he's having an affair?

Where do you see that he "knows he is wrong"?

She married him. She doesn't own or control him.

Leave him?

Your husband cheated. That doesn't mean ALL husband cheat.

You are still with your husband. This is another case of "take your own advice." https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/how-trust-husband-after-he-cheated-685464.html

I never posted for people to be rude to each other, so please lets be nice. My husband has taken his friendship with one of the ladies to far. A few weeks ago while I was signing on to the computer to pay bills a converstion box popped up between them and it was talking about hugging and kisses and were they could meet. But of course when I ask about it he said they were just jacking around and not really going to do anything. If you could read the post I don't think anyone of you would think nothing happened. The thing about sending the other girl roses is we have been toghter for over 3 years and not one time has he ever sent me roses or any other kind of flower. His 3rd lady just bothers me because they always have to tell each other they love each other, and I don't know about most but yes it bothers me to hear my husband telling another woman I love you before he hangs up , or write it to her when she send emails. The first lady friend came to our home while we were gone to pick up a piece a dresser that she had left there and his son let her in the house, while in there she went to the bathroom and put nail ploish remover in all my shampoo and of course he said it was proably her other friend not her that would do that, it doesn't matter what she does he always taks her side. Thanks god I didn't get any of the shampo in my eye no telling what it might have done with that remover in there.

A different slant on the story!
Keep in mind that we aren't there, so you will get all kinds of responses.
I guess I was thinking of Seinfeld and Elaine TV old flames.
You have to decide the next step, since he seems to think it's none of your business. Got any old flames of your own you can bake a birthday cake for? A little tit for tat?
Why did he marry you if he's this involved with them?

I never posted for people to be rude to each other, so please lets be nice. My husband has taken his friendship with one of the ladies to far. A few weeks ago while I was signing on to the computer to pay bills a converstion box popped up between them and it was talking about hugging and kisses and were they could meet. But of course when I ask about it he said they were just jacking around and not really going to do anything. If you could read the post I dont think anyone of you would think nothing happend. The thing about sending the other girl roses is we have been toghter for over 3 years and not one time has he ever sent me roses or any other kind of flower. His 3rd lady just bothers me because they always have to tell each other they love each other, and I dont know about most but yes it bothers me to hear my husband telling another woman I love you before he hangs up , or write it to her when she send emails. The first lady friend came to our home while we were gone to pick up a piece a dresser that she had left there and his son let her in the house, while in there she went to the bathroom and put nail ploish remover in all my shampoo and of course he said it was proably her other friend not her that would do that, it doesnt matter what she does he alway taks her side. Thanks god I didnt get any of the shampo in my eye no telling what it might have done with that remover in there.


How did you realize there was nail polish remover in the shampoo? I trust you reported it to the Police?

I'm sure you agree that the question as first posted and as later explained are two very different stories. If intended physical harm is involved, yes, I would keep the woman out of my house and life.

As far as who will answer and in what manner - it's a public board. Sometimes people come from a very specific "place" and their advice is hardly neutral.

Jealousy can be a devastating factor in a relationship. I was very jealous and insecure when I got together with my first girlfriend and it continued on thruout our 2 and a half yr relationship. In the end it was what ruined us. I know you don't feel comfortable with your husband being friends with his exes but it's up to him who he wants in his life, you just need to learn to trust in him and what you guys have together. He cares for these women still, they meant something to him at one time but he made a commitment to you and I think that should speak for itself.

How did you realize there was nail polish remover in the shampoo? I trust you reported it to the Police?

I'm sure you agree that the question as first posted and as later explained are two very different stories. If intended physical harm is involved, yes, I would keep the woman out of my house and life.

As far as who will answer and in what manner - it's a public board. Sometimes people come from a very specific "place" and their advice is hardly neutral.

No I did not report it because my husband didn't want me to and always tells me just to ignore them, don't let what they do bother me. He always comes to her rescue.

Where do you see he's having an affair?

Where do you see that he "knows he is wrong"?

She married him. She doesn't own or control him.

Leave him?

Your husband cheated. That doesn't mean ALL husband cheat.

You are still with your husband. This is another case of "take your own advice." https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/how-trust-husband-after-he-cheated-685464.html




Yes my husband did cheat which is why I am that much aware of a cheating man than you obviously are.
Its clear with all the signs that were given to me that her husband does not have the same kind of love and respect that he has for his ex so with that I believe that if he is not doing anything to fix the problem and keep his wife happy then yes I say leave. A wife is the best gift a man can have and to value that is the most important thing in marriage. Sending flowers to a woman who is not your wife is flat out disrespectful and to have the attitude like get over it is even more reason to leave. I feel sorry that this kind of lifestyle would even exist but unfortunately its life so I just pray that he opens his eyes and sees the treasure in front of him because the grass ain't always greener on the other side. His ex is is ex for a reason.Hint

Yes my husband did cheat which is why I am that much aware of a cheating man than you obviously are.
Its clear with all the signs that were given to me that her husband does not have the same kind of love and respect that he has for his ex so with that I believe that if he is not doing anything to fix the problem and keep his wife happy then yes I say leave. A wife is the best gift a man can have and to value that is the most important thing in marriage. Sending flowers to a woman who is not your wife is flat out disrespectful and to have the attitude like get over it is even more reason to leave. I feel sorry that this kind of lifestyle would even exist but unfortunately its life so i just pray that he opens his eyes and sees the treasure in front of him because the grass ain't always greener on the other side. his ex is is ex for a reason.Hint


Oh, how wrong you are! I see more cheating spouses in one month than you have in your lifetime - I'm an investigator who does matrimonial surveillances for law firms. Please don't guess at where I'm coming from if you don't know my background. You make yourself look foolish to the regulars on AMHD who are well aware of how I make a living.

You are certainly entitled to your opinion that the wife is being treated badly. In fact, I agree with you.

Inconsiderate men aren't necessarily cheaters - hint.

You married a man who cheated. That doesn't mean that all men cheat. My experience? Men don't cheat for sex. Men cheat for the attention.

My experience? My late husband worked with the same Pharm Tech for 25 years. I think she probably was his best friend. In the course of his lifetime he spent more time with her than he did with me. He gave her gifts, flowers on her birthday, a percentage of his bonus, gifts. He really loved and cared for her,l as she did for him. Was I jealous or threatened? No.

An insecure woman can drive her husband in strange directions - how do I know this? Probably 20 surveillances a year times X years.

Yes my husband did cheat which is why I am that much aware of a cheating man than you obviously are.
Its clear with all the signs that were given to me that her husband does not have the same kind of love and respect that he has for his ex so with that I believe that if he is not doing anything to fix the problem and keep his wife happy then yes I say leave. A wife is the best gift a man can have and to value that is the most important thing in marriage. Sending flowers to a woman who is not your wife is flat out disrespectful and to have the attitude like get over it is even more reason to leave. I feel sorry that this kind of lifestyle would even exist but unfortunately its life so i just pray that he opens his eyes and sees the treasure in front of him because the grass ain't always greener on the other side. his ex is is ex for a reason.Hint

I am going to counseling to help me get out of this marriage, I seem to have a problem letting go. I guess I always think I can fix it.

I am going to counseling to help me get out of this marriage, I seem to have a problem letting go. I guess I alway think I can fix it.


In your heart do you want out or do you want him/your relationship to change?

In your heart do you want out or do you want him/your relationship to change?

I wish he would change but he want he doesn't see anything wrong with what he does.

I wish he would change but he want he doesnt see anything wrong with what he does.

And he won't go to counselling with you?

And he won't go to counselling with you?

No because he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. That having his extra friends should be no big deal, I just have to learn to deal with it, even when I read them talking about hugging and kissing

Oh, how wrong you are! I see more cheating spouses in one month than you have in your lifetime - I'm an investigator who does matrimonial surveillances for law firms. Please don't guess at where I'm coming from if you don't know my background. You make yourself look foolish to the regulars on AMHD who are well aware of how I make a living.

You are certainly entitled to your opinion that the wife is being treated badly. In fact, I agree with you.

Inconsiderate men aren't necessarily cheaters - hint.

You married a man who cheated. That doesn't mean that all men cheat. My experience? Men don't cheat for sex. Men cheat for the attention.

My experience? My late husband worked with the same Pharm Tech for 25 years. I think she probably was his best friend. In the course of his lifetime he spent more time with her than he did with me. He gave her gifts, flowers on her birthday, a percentage of his bonus, gifts. He really loved and cared for her,l as she did for him. Was I jealous or threatened? No.

An insecure woman can drive her husband in strange directions - how do I know this? Probably 20 surveillances a year times X years.

JudyKayTee, interesting story and background! Good to know, investigator who does matrimonial surveillances for law firms. Wow, now that's the kind of experience you'd be looking for in these forums! :)

Drawing from your personal example if I may, the woman your late husband was being friends with, that must've quite obviously been a certain 'platonic' love? Gifts, Flowers, fair enough, but I assume they never went really (physically) intimate, because they were just that, good friends. I would assume you trusted him he wouldn't cross a line, to let him be free because his manners, behaviours and loyalty gave you all reasons to trust him?

I agree that jealousy and distrust stems from fear, but not necessary an unfounded fear. Drawing from my very limited experience, my ex-gf had jealousy issues even though I was faithful. She drew her experience from her own family, her brother that had been with various women and cheated on all of them. When her jealous and distrusting behaviour in turn made me distrusting and jealous (tit-for-that almost), is when I realised how people can affect each other. My first real jealousy experiences in the relationship sense really...

With Jackie55 it's hard to judge if she has founded or unfounded reasons to be wary. From the sound of it I say she has founded reasons, but I also like JudyKayTee's line of "Inconsiderate men aren't necessarily cheaters - hint." There's some value in that. Try to take his word for it and believe him, and ask him to be a bit more considerate to your feelings, perhaps try some tit-for-that as suggested to see how he reacts.

Drawing from your personal example if I may, the woman your late husband was being friends with, that must've quite obviously been a certain ‘platonic’ love? Gifts, Flowers, fair enough, but I assume they never went really (physically) intimate, because they were just that, good friends. I would assume you trusted him he wouldn't cross a line, to let him be free because his manners, behaviours and loyalty gave you all reasons to trust him?


No, they dated at one time. I never asked either one of them what that involved. It was before me and, no, I never doubted him.

I think your husband is an inconsiderate boob. He enjoys women but has little respect for you and your marriage, especially since you have spoken to him about this. He is either stupid or doesn't care if he sees no problem with this.
Me, I'd leave him. There is no respect there.

I think your husband is an inconsiderate boob. He enjoys women but has little respect for you and your marriage, especially since you have spoken to him about this. He is either stupid or doesn't care if he sees no problem with this.
Me, I'd leave him. There is no respect there.

You are so right he doesn't respect me or any other woman. My hope is that with my counseling I will be able to brake the codependency stuff and get the heck out of this mess. The problem with being co-dep. Is that all they have to do is show you some kindness and it makes you think well maybe thing aren't as bad as I think. I use to see things on TV about women staying in bad marriages and I would think no way I would do that but never say never. I do thank you for writng to me it does help to have someone to talk to about this

I wish you well.