I know my father's friends daughter right from the day she was born. She is 13 now and I am 20, we live in Asia. Well we would be always close to each - holding hand's etc right from the very beginning. I don't know when it started but she started to like me and I also started to like her. Both of our parents are cool with us being close, because they want us to get married once I settle in a good job in future. She is very mature for her age and so am I.

But a few months ago, she started to be very close to me, she would hug me tightly and cuddle with me all the time, I would get all excited and boy she gave me a very hard time. I have to jerk off multiple times before going to her house so as to avoid feeling anything when she is around. This one particular time when we were watching a romantic song on T.V. she just kissed me and I was shocked - I liked it (who doesn't like to be kissed) but I was shocked, that is the point I decided there would be no more to this.

I don't like girls of her age, I think all girls of her age are really annoying and she is annoying too sometimes. But she can be lovely the other time, especially when she would buy gifts for me from her pocket money and when talks to me about her friends and school and exams and stuffs. She has a very huge crush on me; I do admit that I have developed a liking for her over the years and care about her a lot. But she is pushing the limits.

I am also a human and I have these urges, So I can't risk myself and my family of the shame that would be brought upon if I lose control of my emotions. So I told her straight that I would not be seeing her anymore and that I have lot of issues with myself going on at that point of time.

It's been 2 months since I last saw her and I am not going to see her again. My parents did asked me what's going on and I lied to them that my friends started to tease me about her and I also want to spend my time with my own friends and they are OK with me not accompanying them to her house.

Yesterday she came to my house and she told me she likes me a lot and missed me, but I told her that I don't feel for her that way (even though I like her) and she was really sad and was holding back her tears.

I don't know what else to do. Did I do the right thing, I don't know but one thing I am sure is that I would never ever want to engage in something that would risk my future. Meanwhile there is this other girl in my class who likes me and she asked me to help her with her studies, I don't know what I feel for her because I usually take a lot of time to assess whether I actually like a person or not. I think I would talk to her and get to know her better to take my mind off this girl.

I just don't know how to handle the situation effectively. I don't want to depress this 13 year old and make her go through a heartbreak, but I don't like the way our relationship is heading towards. I just don't want a serious relationship for 2-4 years since my career is my priority.

Yes, forget her until she is at least 18. If you end up doing anything you will be taking the role of a pedophile and you will be taking advantage of her sexually, whether she wants it or not.

You said, "I don’t want to depress this 13 year old and make her go through a heartbreak."

Don't worry about that. She is young and will survive. Protect yourself by stepping back and begin to enjoy relationships with women in your age group.

You lost me here - "But she can be lovely the other time, especially when she would buy gifts for me from her pocket money"

You accepted gifts from a 13-year old?

You need to find someone your own age. I have trouble believing both sets of parents think this is a healthy and/or good relationship.

I just think I will go out with the girl who is in my class. But can I make it easier for the 13 year old to deal with the situation she is going through - should I tell her mom about it? I really am worried for her. I don't know what she would do If she gets to know that I am going out with this other girl who is my classmate. Basically I am scared of what she might do..

@Judy : We are not in a relationship in the first place. Our parents are best pals - and like I said they would get me and this 13 year old get married once I become financially capable and she is of age of consent - Dude we don't live in America.

First, I'm not a dude. Second, you're a very mature 20 year old and you're using the phrase "dude?" I realize Asia is not in the US - I learned that many years ago.

Totally as an aside I don't know any "dudes" named Judy.

You hold hands, hug and cuddle, kiss, accept gifts from her? You're in a relationship whether it's in Asia or some other place. If she is just a casual friend whatever are you thinking?

Sure - tell her mother. Maybe she'll do what you recommended on the other thread and file false charges to teach you a lesson - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/am-not-virgin-how-hide-wedding-night-677131.html

Explain the "jerking off" part while you're at it and how her daughter gave you a "hard time" (whatever that means).

@Judy - Holding hands cuddling are not supposed to anything sexual its just the we do since we were little, the kissing thing was only once and it was sudden from her and I have stayed away from her since then. We do give gifts for each other, I get gifts from my cousins and friends and I also give them gifts.
I have not done anything wrong to her, at least I am an honest person. I don't deserve to be treated like you have mentioned since sleeping with any girl before marriage don't even cross my mind. Please don't judge me. The girl on the other thread is asking for an opinion to marry a guy without telling him that she slept with another guy - are you supporting her actions. I don't really know why you girls get so angry when we guys point out your wrong doings. It's always the men who have to take the blame.

@Judy - Holding hands cuddling are not supposed to anything sexual its just the we do since we were little, the kissing thing was only once and it was sudden from her and I have stayed away from her since then. We do give gifts for each other, I get gifts from my cousins and friends and I also give them gifts.
I have not done anything wrong to her, atleast I am an honest person. I don't deserve to be treated like you have mentioned since sleeping with any girl before marriage don't even cross my mind. Please don't judge me. The girl on the other thread is asking for an opinion to marry a guy without telling him that she slept with another guy - are you supporting her actions. I don't really know why you girls get so angry when we guys point out your wrong doings. It's always the men who have to take the blame.


I had no opinion at all on the girl who was trying to pass herself off as a virgin. I neither supported or didn't support her in any way - read the thread again.

I have a problem with YOUR recommendation that she file a false charge of rape against the "ex" to teach him a lesson and, presumably, force him to marry her. Apparently you would rather see two people who shouldn't be together be forced into marriage rather than have them both simply pick up their lives.

In the US 20 year olds do not hug, kiss and cuddle with 13 year old children, particularly if the male finds the experience so exciting that he has to "jerk off" (your phrase) prior to a meeting with the 13 year old.

Blanket statements such as "you girls" are always unfair and incorrect. If you made this same statement and replaced "girls" with "Asians" I'd have the same objection. I notice that females are "girls" and males are "men" in your thinking.

Maybe it's a different culture. Here, in the US, it's boys and girls OR men and women.

Please don't judge me. I will: I have a 12 year old daughter and if you came around her with thoughts of marriage and romance I would gladly show you the door. If you persisted I would kick your a$$.

Actually in most of Asia, boys and girls holding hands is not common, in fact boys will hold hands with their friends who are boys, girls with friends that are girls, but they don't normally with other sex.. Also unless this is a family arranged dating

@NeedKarma : I am not going around asking for your daughter marriage. Please read the question again - our parents are more than happy to get us married - we have been brought up like we were for each other. You know the cultural thing. I don't go around stalking people to give them their daughters.

@Judy - It's natural to feel excited when some one hugs you tightly and I am not the one who is initiating anything here, she's the one who took me off guard and kissed me and I stopped meeting her right after then. Because I knew that we were crossing the limits. In america its not OK when a 13 year old likes a 20 year old guy but its OK for a 50 year old man to bed a 18 year old and it would be a one night stand. I personally think a life time oath to stay together with a ( now )13 year old is better than the 50-18 year old relationship. Anyway who I am talking to - I guess neither you nor me can understand our situations and cultures - maybe I failed to phrase my question properly, and may be I am being a fool caring about other's feeling and worried about what would happen to a 13 year old rejected girl. I am sorry If I offened anyone and I know now that people would never ever be willing to see a situation with an open mind. Thank you all for you time.

I will: I have a 12 year old daughter and if you came around her with thoughts of marriage and romance I would gladly show you the door. If you persisted I would kick your a$$.


So what's your stand on kissing, cuddling, gift giving, OP only dating/seeing this 13 year old, getting so sexually excited that he needs to masturbate before coming over to watch a movie?

I think I know -

Read the other thread about made-up rape charges and get back to me.

Have "you[r] people" call "my people."

@NeedKarma : I am not going around asking for your daughter marriage. please read the question again - our parents are more than happy to get us married - we have been brought up like we were for each other. You know the cultural thing. I don't go around stalking people to give them their daughters.
Well if it's arranged by the parents then she's all yours, enjoy.

Actually in most of Asia, boys and girls holding hands is not common, in fact boys will hold hands with their firends who are boys, girls with friends that are girls, but they don't normally with other sex.. Also unless this is a family arranged dating


You lost me at the cuddling and kissing and getting so excited part.

Up until then you had me!

[QUOTE=Iqbal Khan;3193927@Judy - In america its not ok when a 13 year old likes a 20 year old guy but its ok for a 50 year old man to bed a 18 year old and it would be a one night stand.[/QUOTE]



Now that you've made another general statement would you give me your source on this? (For your edification, it's the US, not America.)

And again with the "you people"?

So what's your stand on kissing, cuddling, gift giving, OP only dating/seeing this 13 year old, getting so sexually excited that he needs to masturbate before coming over to watch a movie?

I think I know -

Read the other thread about made-up rape charges and get back to me.

Have "you[r] people" call "my people."Nah, I can't be bothered to read his other thread, I think I get the idea. He says her parents are totally into this and setting them up to be together. I say - go for it man, full speed ahead, always keeping her parents in the loop of course.

OK, first, There is a very different cultural aspect here. We shouldn't be talking about pedophiles or the gap in ages as much. But I find a lot of this not making sense. If she was a mature 13 yr old, she wouldn't be teasing you and arousing you. If you were a mature 20 yr old you wouldn't have entered into any of this with someone so young.

If your parents want to arrange this marriage, that's fine, but then you should tell the girl that you need to cool it until you are ready for marriage.

Thanks for the responses that made me feel like a real pedophile - I have decided to talk to my parents to shift to a hostel away from home just to avoid contact with the 13 year old - and I do think that I have no other option than to marry her later after some years (that would be our parents wish). Thanks for the help though.

Maybe you should post the question in a forum/website that is populated by people of the same culture as you.

@NeedKarma - I am not worried about myself. I am a grown up and I can face anything in life. I am worried about the 13 year old. Although She is mature, I did told her upfront that I don't like her - she is been with me all her life. I am worried that should would do something stupid as every teenager does. I would be blamed had anything happen to her - because both of our parents know that something is on and I am avoiding her haven't visited her place for the past 2 months. Our homes are near by and we would usually visit each other's house every other day before the ordeal.

Tell her parents what you have told us. It seems simple enough.

@NeedKarma - I would try to talk to my mom and see what she tells, thanks for the suggession.

@judy - I am sorry for all the arguments, I am just frustrated with the situation I am in and not in my proper senses and I am also bought up with one man-one girl belief so my opinion differs from yours and I resent arguing about my point. Nothing personal - I just don't want to hurt anyone's feeling. Sleeping peacefully hoping that you would forgive me If I offended you
Good night guys.

Nah, I can;t be bothered to read his other thread, I think I get the idea. He says her parents are totally into this and setting them up to be together. I say - go for it man, full speed ahead, always keeping her parents in the loop of course.

And of course he hasn't

You started this mess with all the cuddling and hand holding with an impressionable 13 year old. That was way too inappropriate. It should have never gotten to the point that she would felt comfortable enough to kiss you. I think your ego was being stroked by this adoring 13 year old.
I think if you stay away from her and she begins to socialize with boys her own age she will forget about you.
You need to stick with females your age. Being turned on by a 13 year old is creepy.

I'm having a bit of a problem here. There is a big cultural difference here. Being turned on by a 13 yr old, especially one you know and who you think may become your wife in the future, is not creepy. Acting on it and taking advantage of the 13 yr old is where it becomes creepy. And clearly that isn't the case here. The OP is risking alienating his parents and hers by shutting down the relationship. Yet to his credit he has done that. So let's stop jumping on him.

My recommendation is to talk to his mom who can talk to the girl's mom so the girl can get talked to about appropriate behavior. Arranged marriages don't always work that well, so if you believe you will be betrothed to this girl in the future and you have feelings for her then it would be a shame to throw that away. But she needs to cool things down and it would be up to her mother to explain that to her.

You need to stick with females your age. Being turned on by a 13 year old is creepy. - agreed, it bugs me too and I felt ashamed of myself a lot of time, but was unable to do anything. My mistake that I went along with the flow, but I never though she would react in that way so soon. I thought the relationship would progress slowly and she would like me that way when she's nearing 18 or so.

Now decided that I would leave home and stay in hostel until I complete my education (that would be for 3 more years)

I think that is wise and I wish you well

I'm having a bit of a problem here. There is a big cultural difference here. Being turned on by a 13 yr old, especially one you know and who you think may become your wife in the future, is not creepy. Acting on it and taking advantage of the 13 yr old is where it becomes creepy. And clearly that isn't the case here. The OP is risking alienating his parents and hers by shutting down the relationship. Yet to his credit he has done that. So let's stop jumping on him.

My recommendation is to talk to his mom who can talk to the girl's mom so the girl can get talked to about appropriate behavior. Arranged marriages don't always work that well, so if you believe you will be betrothed to this girl in the future and you have feelings for her then it would be a shame to throw that away. But she needs to cool things down and it would be up to her mother to explain that to her.
While I understand what you are saying, a grown man being turned on by a 13 year old is creepy. I don't care if it is an arranged thing.

I'm having a bit of a problem here. There is a big cultural difference here. Being turned on by a 13 yr old, especially one you know and who you think may become your wife in the future, is not creepy. Acting on it and taking advantage of the 13 yr old is where it becomes creepy. And clearly that isn't the case here. The OP is risking alienating his parents and hers by shutting down the relationship. Yet to his credit he has done that. So let's stop jumping on him.

My recommendation is to talk to his mom who can talk to the girl's mom so the girl can get talked to about appropriate behavior. Arranged marriages don't always work that well, so if you believe you will be betrothed to this girl in the future and you have feelings for her then it would be a shame to throw that away. But she needs to cool things down and it would be up to her mother to explain that to her.


Love you, Soctt (brace yourself for the "but")... but this was a golden opportunity for OP to explain dating practices, arranged marriages (if that is what we are talking about) in his part of the World. Instead, if you go back to his initial threads, this girl was a friend of his father's or something (I'm not going back to read it again).

I'm not reading that he found the relationship exciting and turned away - I'm reading that for some period he visited, "jerking off" beforehand.

The OP turned this into "you people" and "us," no one on AMHD went in that direction.

I don't see this as an engagement or betrothal or anything in between because he's talking about dating other women - I thought on you betrothed dating was pretty much forbidden.

Hopefully this works out for him - I don't know why the choice is stay home and see her OR move to a hostel, and hopefully he can explain that to "us."

@Judy - I do admit to the deed. I don't know how to put in proper words. I admit that I did get aroused while she is around me, because she constantly would be holding hand, cuddling and I have never ever touched any other girl before. So to avoid looking weird in my pants I had to do things. We usually stay over all Saturday and Sunday at her place (me and my mom - cause dad's collection work) and Its just not possible to be like a saint - I am sorry for not being a good man.

And I used "you people" and "us" people to differentiate the cultural difference we have. All the reference I made while expressing the "you people" are taken from this very own site - If you want you could search for it(everything I referred about american culture are taken from the question asked in this site)

I am moving to the hostel and not her - I think hopefully staying away for a while will make the situation a little better if not worse.