I lost my Father to cancer 4 months ago and I feel for everyone's pain and very sorry of your lost loved ones! I'm in the same boat, we all are sailing the same ocean of tears... How and when does the pain stop! I know counselling is a must, but it's hard to even find time in my busy life to make that appointment... I find myself questioning my religion in once I did believe there was a god... But now I don't believe there is one. I find myself breaking down when I'm alone (only time I feel that I can grieve), and always before bed...
I held onto my Fathers hand watching him take his last breaths and keep having images / flashbacks of the rough times he had last lived with... Diagnosed and 4 months later he had passed (was told he had 4 more months but 4 days later he went)..

I lost my Father to cancer 4 months ago and I feel for everyone's pain and very sorry of your lost loved ones! I'm in the same boat, we all are sailing the same ocean of tears.... How and when does the pain stop! I know counselling is a must, but it's hard to even find time in my busy life to make that appointment.... I find myself questioning my religion in once I did believe there was a god... But now I don't believe there is one. I find myself breaking down when I'm alone (only time I feel that I can grieve), and always before bed...
I held onto my Fathers hand watching him take his last breaths and keep having images / flashbacks of the rough times he had last lived with... Diagnosed and 4 months later he had passed (was told he had 4 more months but 4 days later he went)...,

There is no "one size fits all" answer - but I'm sure you know that. Counselling may or may not be the answer for you. You do say you have a busy life. If that involves staying busy so you can't think about your father all the time the grief will still catch up with you.

As far as your religious beliefs, some people turn away from religion and never go back, others find renewed faith after a period, others speak to a Clergyperson and find solace.

I was with my husband when he died, much like your experience - and, yes, I still get flashbacks.

Maybe the good news is he could have suffered for 4 months instead of 4 days?

I am truly sorry for your loss and your grief. I so wish I had magic words for you, but no one does. Grief is a very personalized thing.