OK, this is a long one so bear with me here. Ill keep it as brief as possible.

My girlfriend, who is first and only love broke up with me two months ago after 3.5 years. We met when she was 16 and I was 17, young I know, but everything was so natural it was like neither of us had to try hard. We were so in love. We did everything together for the duration of high school, traveled, did group projects, basically lived with each other. Then I went off to college, same story, even though I was gone during the week we spoke every day and spent every weekend together. It was awesome. Then the following year she went to university right here in our hometown, and things were still fine. Once she finished first year we decided to move in together, and after about six months things started to go down hill.

I started a new career and we decided that it would be best for her to live with her girlfriends because I am on the road a lot. So may 1 of this year I moved in with a buddy and she moved in with her girlfriends (after one full year of us living together). Two weeks later she left me. Her reasoning was that she didn't see either of us being happy in the long run. Now I won't deny that things got stale between us for the last bit that we were together, but she was under an immense amount of stress from school and working part time to boot, and I was also stressed from my job at the time, and this was all amplified by the fact that we just didn't make time for each other.

After the break up I was (still am) devistated. I had some pretty serious realizations about what I did wrong and I came clean to her. I begged, pleaded, texted and called for weeks. I sent her flowers with a letter explaining myself and a playlist of songs that we both really like. This just made things worse she got mad and told me she needed her space and to leave her alone. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess. I should have just left her alone right from the start. So I did my best to give her space (still am) but we still have thongs to sort out as well as mutual friends and so on.

Then I was up north working for a few weeks and we chatted a bit over Facebook while I was up there (I initiated the conversations) but she was happy to reply and we caught up and talked and so on. By the time I got home I was thinking that maybe she wanted to hang out, so I asked her if she wanted to go for a bike ride (were both avid cyclists) and she said "i dont know", I kind of got the message from that, so I backed down.

Later that same week she was supposed to meet me at her place to give me some of my stuff, and she forgot about me when I went there, and didn't apologise for it, just acted sarcastic and like she didn't care. I got pretty mad and gave her a piece of my mind, no insults or swearing, just a "diplomatic lashing" I guess. At the time it felt pretty good but now I realize that that was probably one of the worst things I could have done, so I let that settle out for a while.

At this point I was miserable 24/7 even though the break up had happened two months prior. I became more lonely and depressed than ever and I impulsively texted her and expressed that I cared for her and that I was worried about her, because I had heard through the grapevine that she was having a hard time as well. Don't ask me why I did this, because there was no good reason for it, other than impulse. Anyway she blew up on me, told me to f*** off and the whole nine yards. I deserved it, there's no question about that but man did it hurt. So the next day I wrote her an email explaining my situation, how I'm still very hurt and depressed and that I'm sorry for my behavior, and that its going to be a while before I'm over this. I felt that out of respect for her I had to be honest.

Later that week I found some of her stuff and texted her to let her know that I wanted to drop it off. I didn't even expect a reply, but sure enough she replied and told me that she wasn't home at the time but she would be later (I expected her to just tell me to leave it on the porch and f*** off) so when I got there she came down and we chatted for like 20 minutes(this was only three days after she told me to get bent), we caught up and so on, asked what each other had been up to and stuff. She was supportive of me and what I was going through and what not. She really showed that she cared about me. She also made it pretty clear that she was happy as ever and loving her life (which I don't totally believe) and how she's totally self sufficient, even though since we broke up she's been either with her girlfriends or her sister all the time. So I'm happy for her, that is, if she is in fact as happy as she's letting on to be.

The day after I saw her my depression took a turn for the worse, so bad in fact that I went to see the doctor, where I got diagnosed with "adjustment disorder" basically meaning that if I'm stressed and my like takes major turns I don't cope well. This can all be traced back to around the time that we moved in together (just over a year ago) At that time I finished school, started a career, and moved out of my house and in with her, this was supposed to me a magical time, but the stress from all of these changes got the best of me and I changed into an unhappy spiteful and all around downer of a person, not to mention I totally lost my libido because of it. She put up with it for the entire year, as well as being really stressed herself. I guess she finally reached a breaking point and left me.

So after I got this diagnosis I came clean to her. I told her exactly what the doc said and how it made sense of the last year as well as my impulsive and desperate behavior recently. She agreed with me. I'm now seeing a therapist and on antidepressants for the time being, I'm getting back to my old self. The one she loves. And she knows this and is supportive of me, yet when I saw her this past weekend, I just said hi and kept walking, but she ignored me like I don't even exist. I didn't try to talk to her or anything but I don't understand how one week she seems to care and the next week she thinks I'm some jerk.

I want her back more than anything but I'm starting to think that maybe I blew it. I'm not talking to her at this time because I don't think she wants anything to do with me at the moment, maybe this is because she's coming down off this high she's been on since she left and she's starting to miss me, thus becoming more guarded? I just don't know.

Do we have a chance?

Any advice/insight is hugely appreciated.

What are you doing? You're ruining your life by still talking to and thinking about her.

Stop trying to contact her, stop trying to talk to her and stop thinking about her. Yeah, it's hard, but in time your heart will let go and it will get easier but the more you think about her and what went wrong the further backwards you get thrown from recovery.

Surround your mind with something. Anything, let it be a hobby, hanging out with friends, cycling even work. Just keep your mind busy. The voices telling you to try and fix things and get back with her are easily distracted. If you sit around and cry about the past, the future disappears, and the future is what you make it.

You're still writing this story, tomorrow is just another chapter. So make it a good one!

You've pretty much answered your own question about what to do. This has thrown you into a whirlwind of depression, desperation and panic. I'm so baffled why people remain in contact or try to be "friends" with someone after an ending. It's soooooo much more painful. When emotions or hurt feelings are involved people can act crazy. I've whitnessed it in my past relationships after we ended things and were foolish enough to speak. Remove yourself from the madness and keep looking forward. Eventually you'll reach the light on the other side of the tunnel :-) You can't get there if you're standing still and facing backwards.

Thanks for the insight so far. I guess I'm just having a hard time accepting this and letting go. In time I guess.

Thanks for the insight so far. i guess im just having a hard time accepting this and letting go. in time i guess.

Time is your friend, with him you can overcome this.

This was your biggest mistake:
"After the break up i was (still am) devistated. I had some pretty serious realizations about what i did wrong and i came clean to her. I begged, pleaded, texted and called for weeks. i sent her flowers with a letter explaining myself and a playlist of songs that we both really like. This just made things worse she got mad and told me she needed her space and to leave her alone. Hindsight is 20/20 i guess. i should have just left her alone right from the start. So i did my best to give her space (still am) but we still have thongs to sort out as well as mutual friends and so on."

But what is done is done... you don't get back with her. You need to respect her decision like you should have in the first place and started to move on. Now it will be harder, you are feeling the rejection and have prolonged the pained by MAKING her say no and no over and over and over again. Is time to stop this nasty vicious cycle. Erase her from everything, concentrate on your work or study, and move on. Go NO CONTACT to make getting over her as soon as possible, every time you talk to her you prolong your healing process by creating false hope of getting back with her, do NOT do that.

There is no confusion that I see, I see a regular break up, that feeling of disorientation will go away after you start getting over her a little bit, along with the feelings of anxiety. Let time do the healing, you keep yourself entertained, you will come out of this one I promise, first time is normally the hardest because you don't know what to expect, but everyone survives it, and you will too. If you feel something is terribly wrong be sure to post here again, we will be here to walk you through the pain.

It totes blows but little by little you'll notice that you're thinking of her a lot less and starting to enjoy all the things you did before she came into your life. Just accept that temporarily it is going to feel ick. NC is like ripping off a bandaid. It stings like hell at first but the pain subsides much quicker than if you slowly pull away at that bandaid.