I'm 30. I met this guy about 10 months ago at a dinner party - he is a few years older than me. We hit it off. I'm single and have been for quite some time. I would consider myself bi, but haven't acted on anything at all recently. I like women sexually, but my focus does seem to have shifted more towards guys. Over the months, have really hit it off with this guy who was going through some severe depression following the breakup from his ex girlfriend (whom I had never met). I was there for him, almost daily chatting, being a shoulder to cry on etc etc. He isn't one to open up easily and nor am I, but somehow we have been able to open up with each other a lot. As time has passed, this has brought us very close indeed. First time I went to his house, following a heavy drinking session, he showed me some homemade videos of him having straight sex. Obviously this turned me on. Over time, and under the influence, things progressed to watching porn together and masturbating in front of each other to the porn. Again, over time, this led to us actually having sexual encounters with one another - always under the influence though. He would always be 'off' the next day, like he felt bad about it from guilt. I never pressured him, nor did I force anything. It just happened. As we got closer to one another, I told him that I do find guys attractive and that I really enjoy the intimate times we spend together. This hasn't happened once between us, its happened many times. We never talk about it after and its never happened sober, so to speak. Anyhow, after over a year of zero contact with his ex girlfriend, he has made contact with her as he claims to have some unanswered questions. Its been just over a month and they are full on back together. I only get to see him when she is busy. I've met her once. She appears to be very controlling over him, to the point of obsession. My friend see each other regularly for beers, and since he has gotten back with her, we've 'played' so to speak twice. We've fallen out twice during this period, because I can see his behaviour has changed and where I was his rock, I now feel superfluous. Its made me realise that I do have feelings for him, but I am not 'out' and I do not want to pursue a relationship with him. I just massively enjoy our intimate times together. We met up for a sober chat over coffee where I have basically told him how I feel. I've told him that I have feelings for him, but not wanting to pursue a relationship with him as I'm not out. He is the only person who knows this about me. He told me that a few years ago (again under the influence) he very nearly had sex with a guy but that he pulled out of it and so nothing happened. He has only done stuff with me. He claims that this is not part of who he is. Is this denial? Could he potentially be bi, but doesn't want to admit it? He always makes a huge point to check out and comment on woman out in bars etc, almost as if he's trying to over compensate. I cherish our friendship above anything, as he does with me. But that extra 'secret' we had, also made it very special to me and he knows that. I'm stuck with what to do. I've since met his girlfriend once, and I was nervous. She knew everything about me and I could sense that I was being analysed. I was very courteous. Until now, he has made every effort to keep us separate. Although after our 'chat', he asked me if I had plans later to which I said no. He replied that if they do something, would I be interested to join to which I replied yes. He told me he'd let me know either way... I never heard anything. He's keeping me at a distance, not like before. I really miss the old him.Please help me guys as I feel very lost and lonely right now.

Can you sort of boil this down to a situation and a question? I realize you have to get it all out but this is too much like a blog for AMHD.

What does "he has done stuff with me" mean? I have no idea how you categorize "stuff."

Maybe he's in denial. Maybe he was experimenting.

Why not just ask him?

Thanks for your reply. Basically, my question is that I've had many intimate moments with my best friend, always under the influence of alcohol. I've told him my feelings towards guys. He has told me he is straight. Yet he is (was) happy to watch heterosexual porn and masturbate in fron of each other, and on numerous occasions oral and anal. Now that he is back with his ex, he doesn't want anymore of this and claims he was never comfortable or happy with it.

This is going to be the one that got away. I believe that your friend is questioning his sexuality and is probably more bi than he is homosexual. Sexuality isn't a black and white question, it is a spectrum. It could very well be that he was trying to figure out where he landed on it.

I would let the attraction die, and maybe even the relationship. It is a hard thing I know but you're going to be coveting him and chasing him. He's going to have a huge amount of real estate in your head and nothing good.

I believe it would be a good time to take a good break from him until your feelings die down. Get over him and move on. Maybe later rekindle a friendship.

Thanks for your comments so far. Its extremely confusing for me. I truly believe he has feelings for me and I am a soft spot for him, and what he says/does under the influence of alcohol I see as the truth coming out - from both of us. He is the only person that knows that I'm interested in guys and we do have implicit trust for one another. I wrote an email to him (for my own benefit) after our sober chat. I wrote it for my own purpose, but not necessarily to send to him. It summarised our chat and I reinforced a few points about how much he means to me and that its taken a lot of courage for me to be so open with him and he should be too, given our past (we have only had sexual contact drunk). Now he is back with his ex girlfriend, he doenst ever want me to go back to his place after a few drinks - I guess because he doesn't want to be tempted to do anything. I met up with him for some drinks and I showed him the draft of the email. He walked off to read it and came back to the group we were sat with and thanked me for the kind words and hugged me. Nothing else was said. I'm obviously not going to force anything as I respect his position and decision to be with his girlfriend. I'm sure over time he may feel comfortable to admit (if only to just me) that he is bi?

I think the past is the past - why is it important to you for him to "admit" he's bi?

Because I really enjoy those intimate moments together. Reinforces the trust and closeness. If he hadn't gone back to his ex, then we'd still be having those moments from time to time and I got to almost rely on them...

He's not comfortable with his Sexual attraction toward men yet. He will stay true to the basic standards of getting married and having a Family. He's still in the closet, and wants to stay there, he's Just not ready. You may have to let him go right now, he will be back. He still thinks he can pretend and try to be Happy. We both know, that can't be done too long. I know this is hard. If you push this he will keep you as a horrible secret in his life. You will end up being his sexual adventure on the side. You will never be able to share and celebrate your love with him to the world, because the two of you will always be a secret.

because I really enjoy those intimate moments together. Reinforces the trust and closeness. If he hadn't gone back to his ex, then we'd still be having those moments from time to time and I got to almost rely on them....


I know you enjoyed those moments. I don't know that the two of you would have stayed together had his "ex" not come into the picture but, either way, I don't understand why having him "admit" he's bi is important to you.

It's obvious to me that he is. It's obvious to you that he is. He obviously can't or doesn't want to face it.

I don't know how and why the words from him would change anything.

Thanks Kitch for your comment. Please note that I'm in the closet too, and he is the only one who knows. Therefore, I have no problem with him following his basic standards of getting married etc, I would just like for him to continue with us as a secret on the side from time to time... You are right though, I can't and will not push it. Those moments of closeness we shared is what I really truly miss. JudyKayTee, thanks for your comment. You are right, words won't change anything, but given I've put my trust in him, and only him, I would have thought he could do the same with me, and only to me. Communication and expressing how things are I believe are important. I've done it... I wish he would.

Well, you can't make anyone do anything - and that includes putting feelings into words.

Here's my problem (and I realize everyone has a story). A very good friend of mine married, had one child, after about three years felt that the relationship had changed in some way, was concerned, they went for counselling - and she found out he is "bi," was conflicted about whether to stay married, leave the marriage, everything that comes with a break up.

She was devastated. He did resume the relationship with the person he was dating before she came into the picture. I don't know if the relationship stopped during the marriage or not - nor does she.

My point is that cheating is cheating when you are in a committed relationship AND some "secrets" really can hurt other people.

You are advocating cheating - you would like him to "continue with us as a secret from time to time" if he follows "his basic standards of getting married, etc."

I would give the same advice to any straight couple - cheating hurts people.

This man may very well be the one who got away.

I appreciate that you wish it could be any other way - but it isn't.

Thanks Kitch for your comment. Please note that I'm in the closet too, and he is the only one who knows. Therefore, I have no problem with him following his basic standards of getting married etc, I would just like for him to continue with us as a secret on the side from time to time...d.


So you're okay with BOTH of you LYING to your future wives and cheating on them?

You need to come out simply so that some poor girl doesn't marry you expecting better than that.