lostlover20912
Jul 5, 2012, 05:04 PM
Sorry, this is a very long post. Thanks for any feedback.
I was in a 12 year relationship that recently ended. I am devastated and have worn out my friends and family by constantly talking about it... like over and over and over again. So, here I am looking for help because I don't know what to do.
My partner and I met in Nov. 1999 --12 years ago. I was 27, she was 28. We hit it off immediately and had the same goals in life. We moved out of state together, both are college-educated and we secured decent jobs that afforded us the ability to buy the modest home that we shared until last year and a successful business. Our promise was that we would spent the rest of our lives together. We were so in love.
Shortly after we met, we moved in together and have lived together ever since. We'd saved up enough money to move out of state, came out to our families as a lesbian couple and we packed up and left to start our new life together.
Things were going fine the first two years the we moved to Maryland by this time we had been a couple for fours years then she said that she began to feel smothered and said she needed space and wanted to have her own friends and her own identity. She loves to drink and party. I knew that when I met her and didn't have a problem with it as long as she held to our commitment to be faithful to each other. Well as time went on, our lives got busier which was great because we were making money and were very successful together.
Chronologically, here's what happened.
In 2005, I caught her with another female in the club. She denied that she was with her but the female confirmed that they had come there together.
In 2007, she started drinking even more. We argued all the time because of her lying and drinking. December 2007, she was admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.
In 2008, her mother passed but and afterward, we continued to argue about much of the same.. the drinking and lying about her where abouts. I decided to see a therapist because my performance at work was suffering due to the stress of my relationship. I also when to my first AA meeting to get some insight on dealing with alcoholics and heavy pot smokers.
In May of 2009, I suggested we have an open relationship for 3 months to let her get things out of her system. The next day, she stayed out all weekend long and she was caught coming out of a hotel with another female. I never searched for anyone else but she did and never stopped. Things got worst from there. She was on several websites looking for women and having multiple sexual partners. We went to counseling. She decided that I wasn't working for her after 3 sessions but encouraged me to continue. She admitted that she NEEDED a variety of women, that she was no longer passionate about me, and that she did not want to continue the relationship after almost 10 years. I would get so angry that I would physically fight her because I didn't know what else to do.
In 2010, I lost a job that I loved. I had been there for over 9 years. She was able to provide for us because we bought a franchise, but blamed me for losing my job. She was still staying out and sleeping around. She felt as if she was taking care of me, so she had a right to do whatever/whoever she wanted. I grew even more depressed from this point. No relationship and now no job.
In 2010, she continued to see other women. Later that year, I started school (again) to change careers. I was taking care of things at home like always... cooking, cleaning, washing, etc. By this time, she refused to have sexual relationships and we started sleeping in separate bed rooms. It was continue off and on in terms of the arguments. Good days and bad days in between.
In the summer of 2011, I caught her in a hotel room again (different woman) and this time I told her she had to leave because I had enough. She was seeing about 3 women at the same time. The same month she was to move out, she met a women online who lived out of state and started dating her. My partner left last summer and moved into her own apartment. Even then I missed her and hoped that she would come to her senses. She'd taken everything she wanted from the home we shared except some misc items from the basement. We talked off and on. She lead me to believe that she still loved me very much and was still paying the mortgage and helping me financially because I am unemployed. Instead of her changing her ways, she left me and I have no job.
In December 2011, her business was not doing well. One of her employees quit a very important position and she came over, cried and begged me to come and help out. I reluctantly did so because even though she broke my heart, I didn't want her business to suffer, plus I needed a job and could still go to school to better myself. And, maybe just maybe.. she would finally she that we could/should work on things because then she would know that my loyalty and love was with her. In the past, I would help out (for free) the business by cleaning and doing administrative work aside from MY full-time job prior to me being laid-off. I stepped in as a regular employee to pull her out of this.
In January 2012, employee's were telling me that they smelled alcohol on her breath. (And, so did I). I told her what I was hearing and she once again got mad with me. So I shut down, began to keep quiet and do what I was being paid to do. This was difficult because I still love her very,very much. Half the time, she doesn't even show up for work. She likes to "work from home". But she can't expect the business to be successful like that, I would think.
In March 2012, she announced that her "new girlfriend" (the one that she started seeing when she was still living with me) would be moving here in a few months. I asked if they would be living together. She said no... absolutely not. Well, that was another lie. I decided as long as we could run the business together successfully without distractions, I would be fine. We'll she expects me to continue to do my job and work there and allow the "new" girlfriend and her three kids to come to the job anytime they want. She says it wouldn't be fair to her if she told her not to come. (Just forgetting about me and my feelings after I bailed her out... yet again)
In June 2012, my ex fired me. She explained that it would be to difficult on her new girlfriend with me working there. Boy, do I feel used! My ex paid for her and her kids to move here. They are moving in together. She says this woman is "the one" and that she is going to cut back on drinking and smoking. She says she no longer has the "urge to cheat" and that she found passion again with this new person.
I'm so confused. When she was with me she lied and cheated throughout the relationship because she didn't want to be in a relationship. Now in less than a year, after being in a long distance relationship... she is suddenly in love and ready to go back to what she was just running away from... commitment.
In the past two weeks since she's fired me. She has come and gotten the rest of her things. I, in turn, cleared my office and turned in my keys. I asked her not to contact me for anything. But,she still sends text messages and calls me about the job pretending that the questions are relevant, as if I care anymore. Needless to stay, I have been strong enough to ignore each call and text that she has sent since my termination.She must have forgotten that she fired me, so that she can start a new relationship with this other woman.
---BTW.. She still wants to remain my friend because she says I am the only on she trusts.
[I]She acted indecisive and immature with me and now she is ready to give to someone else all that I ever wanted... her love, commitment to the relationship, and most of all fidelity.
I just turned 39 and feel that my life with her was a waste and a big, fat lie. I'm hurt, heart broken, alone, and unemployed.
Where do I go from here? Please help!
I was in a 12 year relationship that recently ended. I am devastated and have worn out my friends and family by constantly talking about it... like over and over and over again. So, here I am looking for help because I don't know what to do.
My partner and I met in Nov. 1999 --12 years ago. I was 27, she was 28. We hit it off immediately and had the same goals in life. We moved out of state together, both are college-educated and we secured decent jobs that afforded us the ability to buy the modest home that we shared until last year and a successful business. Our promise was that we would spent the rest of our lives together. We were so in love.
Shortly after we met, we moved in together and have lived together ever since. We'd saved up enough money to move out of state, came out to our families as a lesbian couple and we packed up and left to start our new life together.
Things were going fine the first two years the we moved to Maryland by this time we had been a couple for fours years then she said that she began to feel smothered and said she needed space and wanted to have her own friends and her own identity. She loves to drink and party. I knew that when I met her and didn't have a problem with it as long as she held to our commitment to be faithful to each other. Well as time went on, our lives got busier which was great because we were making money and were very successful together.
Chronologically, here's what happened.
In 2005, I caught her with another female in the club. She denied that she was with her but the female confirmed that they had come there together.
In 2007, she started drinking even more. We argued all the time because of her lying and drinking. December 2007, she was admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.
In 2008, her mother passed but and afterward, we continued to argue about much of the same.. the drinking and lying about her where abouts. I decided to see a therapist because my performance at work was suffering due to the stress of my relationship. I also when to my first AA meeting to get some insight on dealing with alcoholics and heavy pot smokers.
In May of 2009, I suggested we have an open relationship for 3 months to let her get things out of her system. The next day, she stayed out all weekend long and she was caught coming out of a hotel with another female. I never searched for anyone else but she did and never stopped. Things got worst from there. She was on several websites looking for women and having multiple sexual partners. We went to counseling. She decided that I wasn't working for her after 3 sessions but encouraged me to continue. She admitted that she NEEDED a variety of women, that she was no longer passionate about me, and that she did not want to continue the relationship after almost 10 years. I would get so angry that I would physically fight her because I didn't know what else to do.
In 2010, I lost a job that I loved. I had been there for over 9 years. She was able to provide for us because we bought a franchise, but blamed me for losing my job. She was still staying out and sleeping around. She felt as if she was taking care of me, so she had a right to do whatever/whoever she wanted. I grew even more depressed from this point. No relationship and now no job.
In 2010, she continued to see other women. Later that year, I started school (again) to change careers. I was taking care of things at home like always... cooking, cleaning, washing, etc. By this time, she refused to have sexual relationships and we started sleeping in separate bed rooms. It was continue off and on in terms of the arguments. Good days and bad days in between.
In the summer of 2011, I caught her in a hotel room again (different woman) and this time I told her she had to leave because I had enough. She was seeing about 3 women at the same time. The same month she was to move out, she met a women online who lived out of state and started dating her. My partner left last summer and moved into her own apartment. Even then I missed her and hoped that she would come to her senses. She'd taken everything she wanted from the home we shared except some misc items from the basement. We talked off and on. She lead me to believe that she still loved me very much and was still paying the mortgage and helping me financially because I am unemployed. Instead of her changing her ways, she left me and I have no job.
In December 2011, her business was not doing well. One of her employees quit a very important position and she came over, cried and begged me to come and help out. I reluctantly did so because even though she broke my heart, I didn't want her business to suffer, plus I needed a job and could still go to school to better myself. And, maybe just maybe.. she would finally she that we could/should work on things because then she would know that my loyalty and love was with her. In the past, I would help out (for free) the business by cleaning and doing administrative work aside from MY full-time job prior to me being laid-off. I stepped in as a regular employee to pull her out of this.
In January 2012, employee's were telling me that they smelled alcohol on her breath. (And, so did I). I told her what I was hearing and she once again got mad with me. So I shut down, began to keep quiet and do what I was being paid to do. This was difficult because I still love her very,very much. Half the time, she doesn't even show up for work. She likes to "work from home". But she can't expect the business to be successful like that, I would think.
In March 2012, she announced that her "new girlfriend" (the one that she started seeing when she was still living with me) would be moving here in a few months. I asked if they would be living together. She said no... absolutely not. Well, that was another lie. I decided as long as we could run the business together successfully without distractions, I would be fine. We'll she expects me to continue to do my job and work there and allow the "new" girlfriend and her three kids to come to the job anytime they want. She says it wouldn't be fair to her if she told her not to come. (Just forgetting about me and my feelings after I bailed her out... yet again)
In June 2012, my ex fired me. She explained that it would be to difficult on her new girlfriend with me working there. Boy, do I feel used! My ex paid for her and her kids to move here. They are moving in together. She says this woman is "the one" and that she is going to cut back on drinking and smoking. She says she no longer has the "urge to cheat" and that she found passion again with this new person.
I'm so confused. When she was with me she lied and cheated throughout the relationship because she didn't want to be in a relationship. Now in less than a year, after being in a long distance relationship... she is suddenly in love and ready to go back to what she was just running away from... commitment.
In the past two weeks since she's fired me. She has come and gotten the rest of her things. I, in turn, cleared my office and turned in my keys. I asked her not to contact me for anything. But,she still sends text messages and calls me about the job pretending that the questions are relevant, as if I care anymore. Needless to stay, I have been strong enough to ignore each call and text that she has sent since my termination.She must have forgotten that she fired me, so that she can start a new relationship with this other woman.
---BTW.. She still wants to remain my friend because she says I am the only on she trusts.
[I]She acted indecisive and immature with me and now she is ready to give to someone else all that I ever wanted... her love, commitment to the relationship, and most of all fidelity.
I just turned 39 and feel that my life with her was a waste and a big, fat lie. I'm hurt, heart broken, alone, and unemployed.
Where do I go from here? Please help!