Hi guys,

I really have a problem and I really need your help. I was reading through some topics from people that had similar problems, but I think mine is different in a way.
I was with this girl for almost 8 years. We had for 4 years long distance relationship, but we met every summer and Xmas for a month or so. We were really close together, our families met each other, and everything was so perfect.
Three weeks ago, she told me "things are not so weel for us now. I am not showing how much I love you, and we should take a break for a while so that I can decide what I want from my life".
I said OK, but then kept asking her questions and stuff all the time. A week ago, I started to see that she has found someone else. She wasn't sleeping at her house anymore, and she spent a lot of time away. I asked her many times if there is someone else, and she said no. But then I called her, I told her that you are not honest with me, and I want to know the truth.
This happened last Wednesday (1 week ago). We talked over the phone, she told me everything, and I was very understanding and nice to her. I was talking not as her ex, but as her friend, giving her advice and stuff. I told her that she is moving too fast with him, sleeping almost every night and stuff. She told me she doesn't love him, she is not in love with him, and basically she is enjoying what comes up in her world. She is enjoying every single moment of her life.
For two days, she understood that what was going on was wrong. She told me that she will end things up with the guy. So she went to see her, and after 1-2 hours she called me and told me she wanted to break up with ME. The very next day I called the airline and went and spent the weekend with her. Until Monday. At first, things were weird, but then we had fun and sex and she showed she had feelings for me. She said things will someday be OK with us (as a couple) but she needs some time now..
Today is Friday. She slept with him on Monday, wednsday and last night. She wants to be my friend, and talk to me. She said it feels right with me, but she wants to be sure that I am the one for her.
(she is 23 and I am 26). Yesterday, she told me she has chosen her life (not him). She told me he wants a relationship, but she doesn't. And still, she is sleeping with this guy at his house almost every day.
She told me she knows this guy is not the one for her, she is enjoying her life, and time will show..
Obviously, they are creating a new relationship together. They text each other, call each other, and sleep together almost every night. She made it clear though that she doesn't want a relationship. What the hell?
She loves me, she thinks that she will come back someday, but she needs some time now to think (with him apparently).
What should I do? Should I wait for her? Should I use the NO CONTACT rule? She wants to talk to me like a friend and share any news and stuff..
Can she feel the same about me again? Am I stupid for being so understanding and nice to her even if she sees another man?
Last two days I am trying to avoid her.. keep contacting at a minimum (1-2 minutes every time) and I close all conversations. Yesterday she told me that I was too 'cold' with her, even if we agreed to be close friends for now. I will continue this probably. Shall I keep talking with her as a friend? Or do the NO CONTACT rule? Which one is more effective? Will she ever come back?

Thank you guys..

Some other things I forgot to post:

I asked her a million times if she wants me to move on, forget about her.. she always tells me NO, unless I want to..
She always tryies to contact me.. and sometimes I am ingoring her and she doesn't like that.. she thinks I am cold at her or something..
During last weekend, I saw she had some feelings for me.. but since then, she is sleeping almost every night with that guy (except one night).
What should I do to get her back? Stay her friend? Or NO CONTACT? Will I ever get her back? I NEED HELP!!

<<What should I do? Should I wait for her? Should I use the NO CONTACT rule? She wants to talk to me like a friend and share any news and stuff..
Can she feel the same about me again? Am I stupid for being so understanding and nice to her even if she sees another man?
>>

Oh my... she is treating you like a DOORMAT!!
Please, get away from her now.
Yes do not be understanding and nice with her,
Tell her its over that she is not the woman for you anymore.
Then rebuild your life without her.

Tester, what does your heart tell you?

It sounds a though she's having fun at your expense. She loves you and thinks she may come back someday? To me, this is selfish. She is playing around because you are letting her.
If she loves you, she would be faithful.
If she was your friend, she would be honest with you.

All the time she can see that you are 'hanging on', she will continue to behave like this. When she sees you are doubtful about what to do, she picks you up again or uses emotional blackmail (crying/accusing you of being unfeeling).

Only you can decide what you are prepared to put up with. Even if she does come back to you, who's to say she won't do the same thing again when she gets bored or another chap comes along?

It may be hard but perhaps a clean break would give both of you time & space to think? Or you can continue to be at her beck & call for whatever she wants.

I hope you find some answers.
Moomin

I don't really know you guys...
I do love her, I am in love with her all over again after our weekend together. I know she had some feelings during that period.. Trust me..
She said she is not choosing HIM.. she is choosing her life right now, and whatever comes in front of her.
I asked her many times if she wants me to move on.. she said NO, unless I want to..
She asks my friends to check if I am eating OK because I lost some weight during our break up..
No, I don't want anymore to beg her, to ask her about our relationship and stuff.. I will stop.. But shall I talk to her sometimes as a friend? Or shall I disappear so that she will miss me. She wants us to be good friends. She is my best friend, and I am her best friend. This is a FACT!
She said she is not playing with me.. she wants to experience other things, and she wants to have a life now because she is afraid she will regret not having one ever. She is with me since her 15th birthday. I was her first one, she IS my first and only one...
She is telling me what they did with that guy.. Just 30 minutes ago, she talked to me (I DID NOT RESPOND), and changed her photo in msn to one that we are together.. me and her. She wants to check my reaction? Well, I will not talk to her. I have to be strong, try to enjoy my life and I know she will want someday to come back because I CAN make her happy and she knows that.
I don't know if I should stop talking to her, or just be there sometimes as her friend..
This hurst so bad because I am in love with her.. during this period I think I realised how much I do love her.. she told me many times that she likes what she is doing right now, but she thinks she will be back someday. What am I? Her stupid game or something?
We've been 8 years together.. how much time does she need in order to decide about us, and if I am the one for her or not? She is with this guy for over 2 weeks now.. Are they building a relationship together? And if yes, why does she want me to be there for her? Why does she want me to know that I have a chance? If she continues to see this guy for another 2-3 weeks, then I must end this relationship or friendship or anything for good.

The best advice in the world you are about to get here... She is not even a mature enough woman to let you go in peace to find another who could make you happy. She is keeping you as a puppet on a string, YOU ARE NOT A YOYO TOY.. don't let her do this any longer.. NEVER allow someone to keep you emtionally in turmoil.. I don't know you but nobody deserves to be treated this way.. The sooner you break contact and actually stick to it the better off you will be... Yes it will hurt you for some time to come but there is a better person waiting for you... At least you won't be going up and down on that yoyo anymore.

I wish the very best for you because you sure deserve better than what she is.

<<I asked her many times if she wants me to move on.. >>

Do not ask her if she wants you to move on, TELL HER YOU ARE MOVING ON AND GOODBYE!! She seems to want to experience the wild girl stage.She wants to keep you there while she sees if she finds someone better!
Disappear!!

she told me many times that she likes what she is doing right now, but she thinks she will be back someday. What am i? Her stupid game or something?
Yep, that's exactly what you are to her. You're very perceptive.


why does she want me to be there for her? Why does she want me to know that i have a chance?
You're her backup/Plan B/insurance policy.



If she continues to see this guy for another 2-3 weeks, then I must end this relationship or friendship or anything for good.
I suppose you could wait that long if you want to prolong the agony. Personally, I would end it IMMEDIATELY!

Thanks guys for your advices..
The following is her email to her mum she wrote 3 days ago. She clearly doesn't say anything about being another guy in her life. But please tell me what she means. My name is Nicolas and her name is Kathryn.. just to let you know:

"I dont really know where to start, but as you know i've been feeling abit confused lately about myself and what i want from life, i dont know if its a phase everyone goes through, or if something is wrong with me. i've been sounding selfish lately, especially towards nicolas, telling him that i dont feel like i've had a life because i was so young when we met and that i want to spend some time with myself and experience new things and do what kathryn wants, then i've been hating myself for hurting him i feel like such a horrible person for doing this, i feel guilty and insensitive and i know i'm not that kind of person because it upsets me. we've been trying to be on a break and just do our own thing for a while, i think i'm worried that i will regret not having taken the chance to live on my own for some time and that i'm not ready to settle down or not even sure if hes the right person, then on the other hand i'm scared to let go incase i'm making a mistake because in many ways it does feel right, he does make me happy and supports me and gives me everything. so i go back and forth all the time, hurting both of us. Imi must have told you that he came out for the weekend and made me feel so awful because hes being so unbelievably nice to me an understanding that i can't tell him to move on, maybe i dont want him to either i just dont know. i'm making myself physically sick because i can't eat and i havent slept properly in days, i'm driving through red lights because my mind is not with me, i've had diarrhea and vomiting on and off the last 2 weeks i think the stress of it has affected my immunity or something! nicolas has also lost a lot of weight and i feel responsible for this. i dont want to make you worry, because i'm sure that everything will work out eventually and that time heals everything. We talked alot this weekend and concluded that the best thing for now is to be good friends, speak whenever we want and just both live life as it comes and hope that time will help decide on a final decision.. thats all i can really say about this, i'm told these things are always hard but many people experience it and its possible to pull through, whatever happens in the end! "

What do you think?

She sounds confused.
She has not experienced the single life and does not want to regret later on... this is common for a girl who has been in a long relationship since teenage years.
Many posters here have had the same experience... ehh geoff?.

But the best thing for you now is to cut ALL contact and move on,
This is for you OK?to heal and become strong again.
Living in limbo is not a way to live...

Right now she needs to do what she wants and you need to do what you want.

Go and read Geoffs post , its very similar to yours and read all the advice.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/relationship-breakup-help-39548-2.html?highlight=GEOFFERSONAIRPLANE

I like talking to her.. It calms me down I guess.. but she started building a new relationship immediately after ours ended.. I mean.. what? What is that? How can she move on so quickly? Ok she told me she doesn't care about him, she doesn't love him, she is not in love with him.. and if she decides to end with him she will.. She told me MANY times she doesn't want a relationship now and no commitment.. She told me that this guy thinks they have a relationship and she doesn't care about that. She told the guy that me and her are over for good.. and she is trying to get over me (move on).. she is either not honest with him (or maybe with me?). But they are sleeping every night together (at his place), texting to each other, and talking to the phone.. if this is not a relationship, then what is? I don't really know what to believe.. I do want her back.. but if she stays with him for more than a month, then I'll have to move on I guess..

Sorry dude.. Buts lets look at it this way.. U have been apart of her life for 8 years. Which means a lot.. SHe doesn't want to lose you. Because she is to use to having you around. But she wants to have fun with some other guy.

Leave her alone. Don't give her what she wants. Do what you want to do. But leave her alone.Most Women want what they can't have. Men to but not in the same way.

If she had any respect for you she wouldn't of done this for you. People change.. Accept that. Move on. Its hard yes I know. But its better for you. You don't deserve this from her or anyone. NO one does. If you were loyal and treated her right then what she is doing is WRONG.

Move on. Break off all contact. She'll realise what she's lost... and then you will have to choose.. if not. Find someone else.. Someone better... we can always do better

I dont really know what to believe..
Believe that she's lying to you, to him, to her mom, and to herself.


I do want her back..
No, what you want back is the mistaken image of her that you used to have. She has now shown you in the most direct and obvious way possible that that isn't really who she is.


but if she stays with him for more than a month, then i'll have to move on i guess..
Sooner would be better, but I guess you can let her jab that sharp stick in your eye for as long as you can stand it.

So eerie... My ex's name is Kathryn...

All I can do is echo what others have said in more forceful terms. Cut her off. Completely. The sooner you stop talking to her the sooner you'll be a happy person. It's as simple as that.

You don't have to do it forever. When's her birthday? If it's six months or so away than that's a good time to reopen communication.

Talk to her and tell her this: "You say you want to live for yourself. That's fine. But being your friend, and not your boyfriend, is killing me. You've made the choice not to be with me and I'm making the choice of dealing with it. Goodbye and goodluck finding what you're looking for." If she has more to say, let her say it, but stand strong. You need to do this for yourself, to remember what it's like to be a man!

YOu can do it! Don't let her hold you in a pit! If she loved you, she wouldn't be doing this to you - if she loved you, she'd be with you!

An important step: the day afer you talk to her, go to a bar, go to the gym, or even go to the freaking super market and flirt. Flirt, flirt, flirt. It'll help you remember that you're an attractive guy who women are interested. That doesn't mean you have to ask them out - in fact, that would be a bad idea. But step number two, following cutting off contact, is to regain your confidence. You can do it. Take care of business my friend.

I don't really know you guys...
I do love her, I am in love with her all over again after our weekend together. I know she had some feelings during that period.. Trust me..

Only she knows that for sure. You know what you want to know, which makes it hard for you to be objective.



She said she is not choosing HIM.. she is choosing her life right now, and whatever comes in front of her.

What she's choosing is not you.


I asked her many times if she wants me to move on.. she said NO, unless I want to..

She still has power over you. She knows this. And she knows that if anything goes wrong, she can run back to you. Of course she's not going to be urging you to move on.


No, I don't want anymore to beg her, to ask her about our relationship and stuff.. I will stop.. But shall I talk to her sometimes as a friend? Or shall I disappear so that she will miss me. She wants us to be good friends. She is my best friend, and I am her best friend. This is a FACT!

What she wants and what you need aren't necessarily the same thing. Your needs are more important than her wants, and what you need is to be out of this situation. It's destructive to be led on like this, and it's unhealthy to keep yourself emotionally involved with somebody who isn't returning your interest.

Look, I love my best friend. I'd take a bullet for her, without a second thought. But I'd tell her to **** off if she were stringing me along or using me the way this girl is using you. That's not how friends treat each other.



She said she is not playing with me.. she wants to experience other things, and she wants to have a life now because she is afraid she will regret not having one ever. She is with me since her 15th birthday. I was her first one, she IS my first and only one...
She is telling me what they did with that guy.. Just 30 minutes ago, she talked to me (I DID NOT RESPOND), and changed her photo in msn to one that we are together.. me and her.

Sure she's playing with you. She knows exactly how this makes you feel, and she keeps on. And she doesn't even have the guts to call it a real break-up, making it clear that if that's what it turns into, that's your decision, and therefore your fault.


She wants to check my reaction? Well, I will not talk to her. I have to be strong, try to enjoy my life

Good. That's what you need. But that's only half of it. Don't be talked to by her either... when she sends you a message, don't read it. Delete the messages, ignore the phone calls. Block messages where you can.


and I know she will want someday to come back because I CAN make her happy and she knows that.

Don't hold your breath on that. Make this time about you. You've been with this girl a long time, and never been with anybody else. You've based everything in your life around this girl to some extent, and if she doesn't come back, what do you have left? Right now, all you'll have is a big lump of bitterness. Make a life for yourself... that's the only person you can really worry about.

This girl is playing you man. Playing you like a video game and you don't even see it because you're so heartbroken. She gets to have sex with two different guys, none of which gets a straight answer from her in terms of commitment. Sounds like she just wants to whore around without facing the fact that she's basically being a whore.

You are not a therapist... you need to cut her off and not give her advice or anything

If you want to become her girlfriend then so be it, you are telling me that you want to be with someone that will sleep with another guy for awhile and that is their way of figuring things out and YOU WILL STILL BE WAITING?? Get your priorities straight and understand that you don't deserve that. She is one girl and if you are letting her do this to you that means you don't value yourself. Cut her off and find a life without her, you will be much better off.

She asked for a break and time, so why talk to her all the time and find out every little thing that she is doing. Basically you are now just her friend and giving her advice about things and you will never get her back, NEVER. But to be honest why would you. But if you do want her back you need to cut her off and don't be there for her right now. No more advice, no texting, no phone calls, whatever she is doing or says should have no control on you WHATSOEVER.

Thank you guys..
Yesterday she called me because I was ignoring her for the past 2 days. I sounded very happy, and enjoying my life.. she told me "good, thats what i wanted from you from the beginning.. to enjoy your life and have fun and be happy". I don't understand..
She keeps seeing this guy EVERY night. She re-opened the conversation about "us", after she made it clear on Tuesday that we are not going to discuss it anymore. She told me "I notices you are happy.. I just want to let you know that if you want to move on, you can tell me and do it.." I asked her if this is her way to tell me "goodbye stupid" and she told me no, she will never do that to me. She told me "if i want to move on with my life without you, I WILL TELL YOU". She enjoys what she is doing, having fun, without the need to tell anyone what she is doing, where she is, or what she is doing.
I told her, that if she wants me to move on, then I will but she has to forget about me for good. She told me no!
She told me she knows what I am going through, because she went through the same thing 3-4 years ago when I asked her for a break (but I was still faithful to her).
She told me she doesn't want to tell me about any chances, or when she is deciding etc, because she doesn't want to play with my feelings.
She told me "I never forget about you, where ever I am".. She always tells me "Time will tell", and the most common thing she says is "Don't worry, everything will be ok".
One other thing.. she told me that she is starting to get a little bit bored doing this new life, but on the other hand she insists she likes it..
She is not in love with this guy, she doesn't love him, and she does not care about him. She told me "If one day I decide to go away from him, I will do it.. he can't hold me if i don't want to".

Anyway, later during the night I sent her a message telling her "Look, I don't want to talk anymore about "Look, I dont want to talk anymore about ", because you already know how I feel". She told me ", because you already know how i feel"

Anyway, I will limit my conversations with her at a minimum. But I can't cut her off, because she told me (after these 2 days of not talking to her) that she feels we are moving further apart if we are not talking.. and its better to talk once per 1-2 days to refresh her memory or her feelings about me. I don't know what to believe guys.

She also told me that her feelings about me come and go all the time, except the last two days when they didn't come at all hehe.. But after our talking, she had some..

Anyway, I will not talk her about our relationship anymore.. We will talk once every 1-2 days, about general stuff, and of course NO MORE ADVICE. When a woman wants something, she will do it no matter what. Therefore, no more advice about anything.

I do want her back right now.. that's what I really feel. But if she continues to see this guy for the next 2-3 weeks, then that means they do have a relationship, and I will cut her off completetly. If not, then I might be willing to discuss things about us again.

That's all guys for now..

Just some questions because I don't really have any experience on this subject:

Will she get bored of this new life? How long will it last?
Will she want someday to come back to her nice, faithful, respecting old boyfriend?
Can she fall in love so quickly? I mean we just split up and she sees this guy everyday/night.. can she fall in love during the next few weeks?
Even if she likes it right now, will someday soon wake up and say "I agree with you, and we will not discuss it unless it's necessary. Time will tell as we said. Take care and don't worry about me, everything will be ok"
I know what you guys said.. cut her off.. she doesn't deserve me etc. But at the moment I do want her back. I don't know how I am going to feel in a month or so.. but right now I want to know if she will come back, and when, so that I can set my limits or compare with my current limits..

Thank you guys for your help.. it really does feel better talking about my problem..

OK, now you're starting to scare me, man. Everybody , in unanimus chorus, has said "She's lying, cheating, and playing you. Self-preservation demands that you DETACH from her IMMEDIATELY and COMPLETELY!!!!!!", or words to that effect. And you say


Anyway, I will limit my conversations with her at a minimum. But I can't cut her off, because she told me (after these 2 days of not talking to her) that she feels we are moving further apart if we are not talking..and its better to talk once per 1-2 days to refresh her memory or her feelings about me. I dont know what to believe guys.

You can't cut her off because SHE SAYS you're moving farther apart?? You're in serious, deep denial, man. Your misery is self-inflicted (though she is a master at what she does, I'll give you that). Every day that passes has less to do with her, and more to do with you. Every day you keep making it about her and your "relationship" is a day you spend walking away from reality. I hope you wake up before you reach the abyss. Please!

Questions reordered slightly to combine the ones with the same answer.



Will she get bored of this new life? How long will it last?
Will she want someday to come back to her nice, faithful, respecting old boyfriend?
Even if she likes it right now, will someday soon wake up and say "what the f*** am i doing?"


There's no way to know. She could marry the guy and have 28 kids with him. Or she could stab him to death with a toothpick by the time I finish typing this up. Emotions are strange, and you'll never know exactly what hers are doing no matter how close or distant you become in the future. We're all lucky if we know entirely what we're feeling all the time.


Can she fall in love so quickly? I mean we just split up and she sees this guy everyday/night.. can she fall in love during the next few weeks?

Of course she can. Love is jacked up that way. It simply ain't rational, and always always always defies any attempt at prediction.


I know what you guys said.. cut her off.. she doesn't deserve me etc. But at the moment I do want her back. I don't know how I am going to feel in a month or so.. but right now I want to know if she will come back, and when, so that I can set my limits or compare with my current limits..


She might come back today. Or tomorrow. She might come back in ten years. Or she may never speak with you again. Nobody knows what might happen.

If you're waiting for certainty, you're going to be waiting the rest of your life. That's just not how life works.

Well.. I know what you guys are telling me..
Right now I do not want to loose her. Ok she is not choosing me, but I do feel a lot about her right now..
I have news..

I wasn't talking with her properly during the last few days. I was not telling her everything, where I sleep during the nights, with who I was.. and this thing really got her in the nerves. She got a little bit angry with me.. I left a lot of mysteries in my "words" and she sees that I am moving away from her slowly slowly.. The following are the messages we've sent to each other after our 5-6 minutes talking through skype.. :

Me: Kathryn, do not hate me. I told you, take as much time as you need. You never put a deadline on such things. Do what you have to do, and I am doing the same.

HER: I don't hate you. You are not talking openly like the old days.. If you want to keep a distance then OK. Take care x x x

Me: How in the hell do you want me to talk openly to you? You know my feelings. Period. That's all. Do you want me out for good?

HER: No but I would like you to be normal with me. Take care and we talk soon x x x

Me: When I say out, you know what I am talking about. Do you want me out now? I am normal Kathryn. I just don't want to get hurt again.

HER: I don't want you out of my life. I understand you, I am sorry, I just want us to talk normaly. Talk soon x x x

Me: Kathryn, when I say out, I mean out as a possible future boyfriend. Understand what I am saying. Be straight. Do you want me out? Not as a friend.

HER: No I don't want you out x x x

Me: Then do not hate me Kathryn. I am simply giving you space/time/break. What you asked for.. Take care and be careful xxx


I think she got mad that she is not only losing her boyfriend of 8 years, but her best friend also. Do you think she is starting to think right now? Do you think she is starting to realize what she is doing?
Last night I was ready to tell her "Goodbye".. She knows that.. She is starting to realize that I am moving on slowly slowly without her.. That I can have life without her.. That I can live without her..

Is she thinking right now? Or she continues to play with me? I will keep this distance.. this will help me to move away from her I guess..

BTW since last Monday when I visited her, she stayed with the guy every night except Tuesday. Even last night.. Today is Monday again..

<<Last night I was ready to tell her "Goodbye".. She knows that.. She is starting to realize that I am moving on slowly slowly without her.. That I can have life without her.. That I can live without her..

>>

VERY GOOD.
Now , do not talk to her anymore.
NO CONTACT. Let her suffer, she wanted you out of her life as a boyfriend , so give her that!

Seriously why are you putting yourself through even talking to her?

End the suffering and go FULL NC!

Imagine 10 years from now, will you be thinking about all of this? You will probably be in a much better place in a much happier relationship than you had with this women. I have met lots of people and they seemingly disappeared from my life for ever, I just look back with fond memories. NO time for regrets.

Do you think she is starting to think right now? Do you think she is starting to realize what she is doing?
She knows exactly what she's doing. You're the one who's in denial.


Last night I was ready to tell her "Goodbye"..
Apparently, you weren't.


She knows that..
She knows you're bluffing.


She is starting to realize that I am moving on slowly slowly without her.. That I can have life without her.. That I can live without her..
For your sake, I hope someday soon this is true. Right now, it isn't.


Is she thinking right now? Or she continues to play with me?
She continues to play with you. You continue allowing yourself to be played with.


I will keep this distance..
What distance? She fills every waking moment of your life. You have put zero distance between yourself and her.


this will help me to move away from her I guess..
You guess? Until you make a decision and back it up with serious resolve, nothing will change.

She just sent me a text message:

"Just remember that I will never hate you for anything. The only person I hate is me.. for doing this to you. Take care of yourself always x x x"



I know I have to move on guys. I have to erase all my feelings first, which is the most difficult thing I ever had to do.. I still love her so much.. I have to move on!!

You can't tell from a txt message but seems that she's moved on, but feels a tad guilty. I think its time you did to.

Yes you do have to move on. She is still trying to emotionally blackmail you.

She's also playing the sympathy card "the only person I hate is me.. for doing this to you".

Erase her number from your phone. Ignore her texts. Don't even open them.

You can get through it.

Find something else to focus on. Join a club, gym, church, dance class (its a good way to meet new poeple)

Try to have fun

Again.Lighthouse Family | Goodbye Heartbreak lyrics (http://www.lyricsfreak.com/l/lighthouse+family/goodbye+heartbreak_20083301.html)

Have a look at this song. Its words are spot on!
Moomin

Unless and until you tell yourself the truth, nothing will be solved here.

No I don't think so.. She always tells me to take care of myself always (even before the break)...
I think she really thought about our text messages last night..
She does feel guilty! But I don't really know if she is moving on, or if she has second thoughts now.. It's tricky..
I know she will try to contact me tonight (she has class now).
I told you guys.. I will try to move on, enjoy my life.. find other girls.. and if she decides to come back, then I will talk to her.. I didn't say I will accept her..

I'll let you know tonight if something else happens..

This is the sickest thread I have ever read. Seems like if you keep running into a brick wall at least put on a helmut. I must be sick too for reading this crap. Tester you need professional help to unstick your mind fella. Can you imagine what you look like to the average person reading all that writing. Get help, and throw away the keyboard.

I know I need help.. I do know that..
I can't get her out of my mind because I really love her..
I have to ger her out of my system though..

She does not deserve me.. I did nothing wrong..

I know i need help.. I do know that..
I can't get her out of my mind because I really love her..
I have to ger her out of my system though..

She does not deserve me.. I did nothing wrong..

Then quit letting her live rent free in your head and quit talking to her. Get a life dude, without her in it. Enough talk, where's the action??

I can't get her out of my mind because I really love her..
No, the reason you can't get her out of your mind is that you're addicted to a false idea of who she is and what your relationship was, and you haven't hit rock bottom yet, so you're not ready to kick your habit.

Omg! I Can't Even Finish Reading This Man! Hoe! Hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!ho e!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe! hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!ho e!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe! hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!hoe!

Ma Man! What Are You Still Doing With This Woman! Get Out Now While You Still Can Before You Get Hurt! Im Telling You!nonsense I Tell Ya! What's With These Women Nowadayz! Ridiculous! We Open Our Hearts, And They Keep Shutting Us Good Men Down!

Ok I don't know if I did something stupid, but we talked last night about everything...

The main things she told me are the following:

1) She cannot see herself being in love with this guy, and she will never be!
2) She is not ready for commitment yet, that's why she asked for a break.
3) She told me that if she can imagine her husband and the father of her children, that would be me and only me. She is not ready yet for that stuff.
4) She doesn't care about this guy.
5) She was going to this guy all this week because she was afraid to stay home alone and think since I was not talking with her. (I told her.. that's what you were supposed to do.. THINK! She told me I was right.. and she will do it from now on).
6) Her feelings about this guy come and go very often, and she is sure she will never love him.
7) She is not committing with him, and she can always get out whenever she wants.
8) I told her if she wants to be with him, then she should tell me that and I will go away right now.. she told me no, because she doesn't really know. She is sure though that this guy is not the one for her. She is using him to have fun and enjoy this period of her life.
9) She always had a big disadvantage.. she cannot say NO. She told me that a lot of times she said no to this guy (to go to his house) and he insisted and that's why she went. Many times she wanted to go back to her house and talk to me, but she couldn't do it.. This I do not believe!!
10) She promised from now on she will stay most of the times alone to start thinking about either us, or her life and what she really wants. She didn't do it yet.. She will do it from now on.. well.. we'll see...
11) She is really confused guys.. she told me she doesn't know what she was doing..
12) I know she will see him again, because she told me she is just attracted to that guy (thats all).
13) She told me she is comparing him with me (she wasn't exact on this but she started talking about things she doesn't like about him, and how I was with her etc etc).
14) The biggest mistake I did last night was the following: I told her, either you spend a lot less time with him or I am going away. She chose to spend more time with herself and less with him, but I am not sure if I did the right thing).
15) The last thing she told me is that she will let things come their own way (ie: FATE).

I don't know if I did the right thing talking to her.. She lost her mind.. she really messed up her life. She quit studying, eating properly, eating, spending less time with her family, she started smoking heavily (she was smoking but now it's really heavy), and eating junk food all the time. This is not her! I do know her.. This is not her.. and she knows that.

I decided to try and help her to be normal again, but we will never talk about "us" again. I will not talk to her everyday or something (even if she told me that this thing is not fair because she was spending so much time with him and nothing with me).

She is afraid of commitment and that's why she wanted a break. She promised me that she is not committed with this guy, and she can walk away any time she wants. She just enjoys her life at the moment, but she will start thinking now (something she didn't do at all during the last few weeks).

She is not playing with me guys.. she is just confused. You don't know her.. I know her! I will give her a chance until Easter (in 25 days when I am going back). I already told her that if she is with this guy at that point, then there is nothing I could do about "us". If she is not with him, then I am willing to talk about things.
But I am telling you.. this is the 3rd or 4th time she told me "I don't think I will be inlove with this guy... EVER"..
Does this mean something?
Is she using him?
I know you guys are going to tell me that she is using me.. This is not true.. well maybe.. but she is confused, that's why she doesn't want me to go away right now. She doesn't know what she wants, because she didn't think about these kind of stuff yet..
She told me that she went to this guy because she was afraid to stay alone home and think.. Because I was avoiding her, and she needed someone to talk about other things to forget about the situation.. Yes she wanted to go many times (she told me that) but not always.. and when she was there she wanted to go back home and talk to me (most of the times) but I was not available..

Now I am the confused one..
I know what you guys think of me.. but she is confused.. I know that. She is not playing with anyone right now. She is honest with me now. But I don't really know what shoud I do.. be there sometimes and talk to her about other things so she can feel my presence or my existence in her life? Or let her go with him (which she does not love him, or she is in love with him.. she is just attracted to him and I am sure a lot of you are attracted to other people all the time and this thing goes away at some point (or maybe not ) ).

I don't know.. This is completely different than any other situation I've read here..

She does not deserve me.. I did nothing wrong..

You got it right there.

I am on a month now since splitting. Had brief contact on myspace to see how I was, I replied I am fine, and you know what it does get easier. Ive had so many memories since we split up and there great, more than I ever did with my ex. So why can't you get happy tester?

It will take time, but one day you will have more good days than bad days and you will wonder what you ever saw in her.

Tester, you are dealing with a very confused girl, I also dealt with a very confused man last year and you know , the best thing is to just leave them ALONE to work out THEIR confusion..
So ,leave her alone.
Start to work on yourself and heal from all this.

Yes man, I understand what you are saying and what everyone here are saying..
But she didn't even start thinking about what she really wants yet.. she didn't even spend sometime with herself to understand her feelings.. she was messing up with her feelings.. I believe it will not be fair on her if I tell her to go to hell and move on yet, because she doesn't really know what she is doing.. and to prove this, she told me the following things:

"I feel like the bad person for talking to you (me) about this guy now.."
"I will never be inlove with this guy, because i know he is not the one for me"
"I know you are (me) the perfect husband and father of my children"
"You (me) are mature.. he is not"
"I never was clear with him that we are together, so I can get away anytime i want"

The thing that confuses me most is that she told me:
"I am not ready for commitment now.. and if i come back to you then we have to commit to each other..."

And me, the stupid guy here I responded:
"Well, the only thing I am asking you is to try again.. everything from the start. You can still go out, meet other people, have fun.. but the only rule is no sex with any other guy (or girl for me)."

What am I supposed to do? I do love her, and I know I am in love with her.. If I wasn't, I would have moved on by now.. Please understand that this is completely different than any other story posted here.. She doesn't know what to do yet because she haven't really thought about the situation..

Yes I will leave her alone.. I mean we are only going to talk about other things (except the situation) and only for a few minutes..
We agreed, next month (in 25 days) when I go back home, we'll discuss again the situation..

I just don't want to stop talking with her completely... She doesn't want that either.. If I give up, she will go with this guy and I know she will change her mind.. she told me that if she decides she doesn't want to be with me, she knows that she will regret it in the future..

One other thing..

This guy doesn't know that I exist in her life.. I mean he thinks that she is trying to move on right now..

Tester, I really sympathize for you, because I know what you are going through, as I went through almost the same thing over 14 months ago. The results of that experience cultivate the greatest change of my life.

First, you need to realize that what you are dealing with is love addiction and that is stronger than heroine. You are an addict and you have a problem. Don't believe me? Go back and re-read ALL of the posts to date, and look at how you have rationalized each one. Who is more likely to be correct here? Tens of unbiased people or you? Granted, this is the internet, but none of the posts seemed like they had it out for you... They just see the situation more clearly.

The fact is, more than love - You are scared to lose her. If you really loved her, you should be happy for her that she has moved on and is happy as well - as sick as that sounds. Unfortunately, that will be impossible for quite a while.

The problem is not that you really love this girl. Of course you love her after so many years, how could you not. Part of her still loves you, but it is not enough. Did you perk up at the thought that she might still love you. Well don't. The cold hard fact is that HER INTEREST in you is very LOW right now. Something happened during the relationship to bring this down for you guys. Your ego will not let you accept this, because YOUR interest is still high. You need to consciously override your ego and interest in her.

It really is simple... a girl that likes you, would never treat you this way, Period. You can rationalize all you want, but I bet you can remember a time when she really liked you and did things FOR you, not AGAINST you. Those days are over, buddy. No matter what she says to you, no matter how hard she pleads, her ACTION (and not words) always tell the true story. No ifs, ands or buts.

Put your drug (her) down and feel the pain of withdrawal. In the end you will be a stronger person. We could tell you a million times, things like "if she does this now, what's to stop her from doing it when you have 3 kids", but you will not understand this until you come out on the other side. In the meantime, brace yourself for impact, because if you *truly* do let her go, it is going to hurt for a while, but in the end... that which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

What is your problem? :P Seriously... Put yourself through all this for what? Your not taking any of the advice anyone is giving you.

Yes perhaps the girl has felt trapped in the relationship and maybe she wants to experience different things so she has a chance to find herself before she commits to someone for the rest of her life. Most people I have spoke to who were in a relationship at a young age well it never lasted. Those who married regretted not having a 'wild stage' as such. Some people need this to find themselves, others don't. But we all have to do some soul searching at one point. So give the girl space and move on with your life. She's not dead is she? Get yourself a new happy life with new and refreshing things to do, take a holiday... do something but get yourself away from this soul destroying situation.

My mum married when she was young and it lasted 6 years before she met my dad at 30. They actually remained friends and he was always around me and my sis as kids, don't know how my dad dealt with it... Very strange situation as I look back to my childhood. They probably never speak now really. She's 52 now.

What am i supposed to do?
This question has been answered about a jillion times already, but you aren't willing to hear the answer, so you keep asking it.


I do love her, and I know i am inlove with her.. If i wasn't, i would have moved on by now..
This isn't love, it's emotional addiction.


Please understand that this is completely different than any other story posted here..
Not that different, except that she's a better manipulator than most, and your head is thicker than most. It's a match made in hell and a recipe for disaster. The longer you persist in feeding your illusion, the more damage is done and the longer it will take to regain your mental and emotional health. It's heartbreaking to watch you spiral down into this black hole.

Ok, I have updates.. to confuse you even more I think.. hehe..

She told me she is thinking.. and she will do this from now on because she haven't thought anything until now.. and I told her the following:

"Look, if you want to do your life now for 1-2 months, and then come back, I can do it. It will help us.. the experience will help us in the future."
She told me "If you are sure for this, then I will include it in my thoughts".
I told her "I can do it only if you are coming back.. unless there is no point"
She told me "I will think of that, i promise"
I told her "If you do that, you get what you want right now (wild life) and I get what I want.. eventually"
And she told me "I will think of that baby"

I am so f***ed up! Hehe.. Ok, here is the plan from now on and tell me if you agree with me..
I will let her do whatever she wants, without asking her what she did, with who or when. I will also do the same.. get a life as most of you told me.
She will start thinking about everything..
And during easter we will talk again about the situation..

But I want to ask you.. is it a good idea? I mean what I told her above.. She seemed OK with the fact since she doesn't want to loose me, and she doesn't want to loose her new life now.. Will it work if she agrees to this?
Remember that she already told me that I am the one she imagines as her husband and the father to her children..

Ps: YES, I am reading all posts, and I am considering your thoughts and advices. I am not stupid. But I still think there is something there.. If she wanted me out, she would have told me by now.. She knows what I am going through, and she would have told me to move on.. not to wait for nothing! So please, try to understand my situation..

Yeah as a back up plan! I really do not understand why are you doing this to yourself.

Hi, TESTER2799!
I am really sorry for what you're going through. My story is a bit similar to yours (7 year relationship, 2 of which in long distance). I can tell you from experience, that setting plans at this point is part of your self-deception plan which MAY BE NECESSARY FOR YOU to cope with the situation right now. But you can't think clearly and logically now (at least for 1 or 2 months). This won't change until you withdraw from the situation i.e. cut all contact. As hard as it gets, you have to CUT HER OFF. At least for 3 months but I guess much much more. She doesn't know what she wants and this won't change while she has every option in hand. Time needs to pass. You have to accept it - that's going to be painful but pain will lessen I promise you. Now join any activity, hobby, gym whatever. Try to do things to please yourself. Write it here instead of calling her. We are all with you.

Well let me tell you guys..
The pain has started to move away right now.. For example I know that she just went to this guy and I don't feel down or pain or something (He needs help on his english and she is half English)..
I tried to cut contact with her, but this only pushed her more away.. she told me that. She told me that because I was not available, she needed someone to talk to.. and that's the reason why she went to this guy.. I do believe her because last two days I was available and she stayed home talking with me..

Therefore, just being there, talking with her sometimes (not about the situation but other general stuff), is more helpful for me.. The pain is going away and I am confident about my life..

I have a question since most of you guys or girls know at least one girl that had this "crazy wild phase"...
How long does it last? In average.. Because she is starting to see that even if she likes this kind of life, she is messing up the rest of her life (University, family, health, sleep etc etc)..

Last night she told me that my idea was nice (thread #43).. And she said we can do that, and meet again in 2 years and get married.. then she said.. no 2 years.. 4 years!! And we will be close during that period.. hehe.. We laughed about this..
What I understood is that she wants to be my wife and the father of her children (she already told me that many times.. even after the break.. she specifically told me "I know you are the only one that I would like to be my husband and the father of my children.. you will be the best for that part of my life"..
So.. the important question here is how long does this crazy wild girl phase last? Give me examples if you know.. Just to get an idea... I know it's not a fixed period thing.. but I would love to know some examples..

I know I am bothering you guys since I am not listening to you.. but I've tried everything.. I do want her back.. and I know she wants to come back at some point.. This of course can be changed in 2-3 weeks for example.. But right now, I do want her back!

Can you give me examples of how long does this last?

Again thank you for your support..

4 years!! You must be kidding. She must be very immature to do such things to you. There is no guarantee at all it will ever happen. If you are ready for 4 years of being there just for her, listening about problems with her new BFs, being faithful to a phantom of love - only to find out that 4 years later she is not going to change her mind - then go forward. Sorry for being hard here, but that's what it seems from my perspective.

Sorry to be so blunt but your mad! Get a life.

I think she was kidding Ulysses.. hehe..
Look, let me put it this way..
Its been since FEB 10th when she asked me for the break..
She haven't even thought about the situation yet.. Nothing.. NADA!
She was just going out, messing her life, and thought about nothing..
Now, from Monday, she started thinking things.. That's why she stayed home last two nights..
She sees that this life is no good for her.. She knows she has to make a decision eventually, because I can't wait there for ever.. She knows that..
And the important thing is that she is not even in love with this guy.. she already told me many many times that this guy is not for her.. she will never be in love with him.. OK, you don't really know that unless it happens, but the only thing that makes her go to see him is just plain attraction.. That's all..
I have to give her the time to think.. I can't reject her from now because she haven't thought a thing yet.. Don't you think that its better to be there for now until she decides?

About the 4 years.. I told her its toooooooooo long and we will forget each other and this will never happen. Don't worry.. I am not that kind of guy that says "YES" and "OK" to everything a woman tells him..

Anyway, I have to give her time to think..

Yeh do that and leave her alone completely. Get your own life, if she comes back she will, don't push for it. Stop being a doormat.

I know.. you are right! I am not putting any pressure on her.. If we talk about the situation I am always saying funny stuff and laugh at them.. I mean eventually she will do what ever she wants.. right? So there is no point trying to convince her about anything..
It's her decision..

I am having life.. I am going out and I am flirting.. I am doing all the things you guys told me.. Except to cut contact with her.. Just not yet.. because this will confuse her even more..
I will give her as much time as she wants... If we rush things, then probably she will make the wrong decision..
I will be there for her but not ALWAYS!
For example yesterday she told me that this guy asked her to stay at his place for the night. She told him NO several times, but he insisted. Later, she told me.. I will do what ever I want.. and she stayed at her place.. I mean she is starting to realise what she is doing.. The only thing I told her is "You do what ever YOU want.. not what I say, not what he says"..

I don't know if you understand what I am saying.. But the main thing is that I will give her as much time as she wants to make the right decision for her..

You put yourself through so much torture.

You don't get it, man... she IS doing what she wants - she is sleeping with another man (and torturing you in the process). Forget her words and look at her actions! She is manipulating you and she does not even know it. Her behaviour is very selfish. If she really loved you, would she really want to hurt you like this or put you through this emotional discomfort?

She MAY come back to you again, but guess what? This WILL HAPPEN AGAIN AND AGAIN, because now she knows that she can get away with it. Do you really want that??

You need to learn to love yourself first, then someone else second.

Look, from reading your posts, you have already decided what you are going to do. We can write until we are blue in the face (so that you take note of our experiences), but until you experience it yourself, it won't make any difference.

Trust me, you are doing this the hard way, but it looks like you need to learn that lesson yourself, through your own experience. Its coming to you...

Save this post and look back in 20 years - hindsight is always 20/20, as they say.

It's like watching a plane crash in slow motion. I'm horrified by the sight, but I can't turn away.

Some people can manage to enjoy their suffering. For them, to end the suffering is the worst thing imaginable since it is exactly what tells them they are alive. You see this more commonly in addicts who have acclimated to the pain of repeatedly hitting bottom and doing early recovery over and over, never getting beyond a few months so they never really know what real recovery is like. They think they know but they actually don't. Until they are willing to really look, nothing is able to make any difference...

i have a question, so your advice to this guy is to let go of her completley because hes addicted to her? so if that works and hes let go completley, what happens when she wants him back? say hes finally over her, what does he do when shes at his door step years from now? what then?
I used to run my relationships like they were addictions. When the one you "let go of" returns, hopefully you get to experience what I did. I recovered, I grew up, I worked my way out of codependent relationships so that I could have healthy ones instead and when he came knocking, I could not believe how unappealing he looked to me. Night and day. I gently turned him down. I had changed, he had not. Hard to tell someone what healthy is like until you "get here". Once there you won't go back either. Love is not an addiction, not at all! LOL

Love isn't a fairy tale.

It's just not as easy as "and they lived happily ever after".

Love is so different at each stage of our lives... and it's different than the tradition "Boy meets girl, boy woos girl, they get married, buy a house, have a couple of kids, and grow old happily together". It just doesn't work that way.

You can NOT be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself. Really.

When someone walks away from a relationship and begins another relationship... yes, it's over. Maybe someday things might work out so that you end up together, but maybe someday you'll win the lottery, too. Your chances are about even there.

Move on, be happy, don't EVER plan your life around any one other person. I'm married, happily, and I STILL don't plan my entire life around my husband. If something happened to him tomorrow (Goddess forbid!), I'd still be able to move on with my life. I would be devastated, I would mourn, but I wouldn't do anything because "he would have wanted it that way".

It's the same with the end of ANY relationship. Mourn it, be sad about it, then LIVE FOR YOU!

There are problems and there are problems.

I'm 32 years old. I have had several long term (longer than 2 years) relationships. I've cheated, and been cheated on. I've dealt with an alcoholic, I've been with an emotional abuser. I had a guy walk out on a 2.5 year relationship because he couldn't deal with how emotional I was after we placed our daughter for adoption. I had a guy walk out when things were going just fine, from my perspective, because he "just wanted to be single, and things were too serious". I did everything I could think of to get him back. Nothing worked, because I was too invested in getting him back.

Look, I understand that people have problems. I've been married a while, and moved across the country 4 times, and had financial issues, and disappointments with inability to conceive, and disliking each other's friends. I've dealt with the big crap, and the stuff like leaving the cap off the toothpaste and leaving wet towels on the floor.

EVERY COUPLE HAS PROBLEMS! Any couple that doesn't is lying to themselves and each other. If you have friends and family that care about you, then yes, people help you get through problems.

The issue comes up here where one person is completely invested in the relationship, and the other is off playing with someone else entirely. That's not "problems". That's the inability to accept that your relationship is over.

If you were BOTH here asking how to make it work, that would be different. Instead, it's just you, asking how to get her back to who you want her to be. That's infatuation, not love. That's obsession, not friendship.

Look, Mr. Bitter About Everything... there are no guarantees about anything! If you truly love one another, you'll BOTH do whatever it takes to be together. If it's one person doing all the work, then it's not love. It's something else.

If you want to rant and criticize the other posters and hijack someone else's thread why don't you post somewhere in your own thread and we can help you. I understand disagreeing but nor arguing another's opinion especially in the disrespectful way your coming with.

At least you dropped the Capitol letters but if you agree with an opinion you can rate it as opposed to quote user. Relax.

I know..

But I am not a quiter!
I'll give her as much time as she wants.. I will not give up..

No one told me yet how do I get her back..

Everybody is telling me to move on and forget about her..

Please give me advice now on how do I get her back..
Still she hasn't decided yet what she wants.. This new life or me?
She is still confused.. she likes what she is doing, but she doesn't know what she really want from her life.. this wild life or me?

So please tell me what should I do to have more chance to get her back..
You all have experience.. I don't! Please help me..

I don't know how else it can be explained... There's no magical way to win back someone's heart. The only way you can do it is to be your own man for a while. I know you love her... But it's not like with a story! The plot isn't there to give you what you want! Sometimes, in life, even if you really care about someone there's just nothing you can do about it. Accepting facts for facts are going to help make you be more of a man, more confident of yourself and more able to meet other women... Until you meet the right one!

Buddy... Seriously, you're just going to hurt yourself. There's nothing you can do. She's your friend, at best, and heartache at worst. You're just going to build your hopes up only to see them crash down all around you again.

Move on. That's the best way. If she wants you, she'll find you! What can you do that you haven't done all ready? Turn into Superman? It can't be done!

Still she hasn't decided yet what she wants.. This new life or me?

There is your answer on how to get her back... wait like a trained seal for her to make a decision and hope its in favor of you. Of course, never mind that this is a very unhealthy thing for YOU to do for many reasons that you alone will pay for. And totally disregard the liklihood that should she finally tire of the wild life and actually take you back, she'll continue to abuse you again and again until she really is sick of abusing you and then finallyt dump you. But that is about the only way I see you able to get someone like her back. Wait. And tell yourself anything but truthful things too. But don't take my experience about it, or any of the dozens of others here who are trying to tell you something you just don't want to hear. LOL

How many times can you read about how this isn't love before it begins to dawn on you that this may not be love?

So please tell me what should I do to have more chance to get her back..
You all have experience.. I don't! Please help me..
There is good reason why all these experienced people cannot tell you how to get her back, WE DON'T KNOW!!!! We do know that wasting time trying to find a way is unhealthy and detrimental to you. The only help we can give is what you've got. Accept it and be healthy.

OK, I've decided (I don't know how long it's going to last though, but I'll do my best).

NO CONTACT! It's the final thing I am willing to do.. and it's the best thing I am willing to do.

She wants to talk to me? So? If she was my friend, she wouldn't do that to me..
NO CONTACT! It's the only way she will realize what I mean to her.. good or bad.. I don't care! It's the only way..

Please help me keep this.. I want to do it.. I know for the first 1-2 weeks this will push her towards him.. If she comes back, this means she wants to come back. If not, then she never really wanted me..

I have to be strong.. I need help! No contact! If she calls, texts or emails.. I don't care! I will not respond back..

How many times do you have to post tester? 7 pages now.. Have you not got the message. Your obsessive. THERE IS NO WAY to win her back!! The option you have is to leave this situation behind and move on with your life. Then and only then when you have found a new you will you be able to look at your past situation and re evaluate.

Exactly Jiser! That's it "Then and only then when you have found a new you will you be able to look at your past situation and re evaluate.
"

Yes 'No contact' tester, we will help you keep it.

There is no way to win her back? What exactly do you mean? It's over and she will never come back?
Look.. she has fun, she likes what she is doing right now. What I am asking here is if she, at some point, get bored.. and when this is possible to happen?
I will not contact her, even if she contacts me! At least for the next 3 weeks (if I am strong enought).. Will this push her far away? I know this is the right thing to do, so that I can recover from this thing.. But what about her?

<<But what about her?>>

Forget about her, Think about YOURSELF!!

Start with 3 weeks,Maybe after that time you will decide she is not the girl for you, and that you don't want a girl who wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side!!

I was just surfing this site when your question inspired me to register and try to give you a hand.

The reason I'm doing this is because I'm going through something similar and I know how it feels to be so powerless.

You may not like what I'm going to say but it's what I see. There's just to many posts to read every one of them, so I may be repeating things that have already been said.

1. You keep saying to her that you're going to walk out of her life, you keep ASKING her, like requiring her permission. I remember seeing one of your posts where you were having a Skype conversation with her. You would say "I'm out of here", and every time she would say good bye, you would start another conversation.

2. You're just being too nice man. Women don't dig nice guys, specially guys that are practically out of control begging for regaining control of their lives. She obviously cares about you, I mean it's not like 8 years mean nothing, but the main reason she's staying with the other guy is because he's being a man, not obsessing over her, just playing along, and that makes her feel challenged. She may not know it, or she may not be doing it on purpose (I don't know her, so I can't judge her), but usually that's a natural behavior.

Can you see the pattern here? You're giving away all your power, therefore being less of a challenge, and she's going out with a guy that's being a challenge.

She cares about you, she wants to be your friend, she's confused, she doesn't know what's going on, what's she's feeling, she needs some time alone, she doesn't want to date other guys, she NEEDS you, she needs time, let's see what happens, just have patience, believe in what you both have, and the list goes on... That's what everybody says. I've said it many times, my friends have said it, I've heard it, it's nothing new man.

Why does she needs you? Why is it that she is still looking for you? Because it's easier that way to move on. Specially for her, since she can dump you for another guy and say: "oh well, I feel bad for him, but at least I'm offering him my friendship". It's just to make the transition from being a couple for 8 years to being single. Eventually, she will start letting you go bit by bit, and then you'll be in the gutter.

Just sit down for a while and think! You WANT her back? You WANT to WIN her back? This is not a movie, this is your ego speaking. You're saying to yourself "I can't believe I'm going to lose this!", "I can't give up!".

My friend, there's no winning back here, not anymore, why? Because you already did everything you could do! What? You're really going to believe that she's going to wake up one day and say "geez, I really want to get back with him!"

If you keep being there for her, she will get used to having you around and therefore your chances of "getting back together" will disappear.

Now analyze all I've said and think that: WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE DOING, IT'S NOT WORKING. So what then? Do something else!!

Start ignoring her, don't be 24/7 for her, get ON with your life, start going out, date other women, go to the gym, get better, AND ALWAYS MAKE HER SEE THAT YOU'RE DOING FINE, this is not a pity contest.

The best way to get her back is by doing nothing! Is by NOT trying to get her back! And eventually, this will lead to two things:

1. you start moving on and she forgets about you, but you've also moved on, so you'll be better.

2. you start moving on and she suddenly feels that you're missing and she'll come crawling back.


I know how desperate it can be, to lose the control over your feelings. But believe me, once you accept the facts, you'll feel a lot better.

Hope I helped, because this piece of advice I'm giving to you I had to find it out the hard way.

I know.. you are absolutely right! I did try everything.. nothing worked.. or they worked for 1-2 days and then nothing..
This is the only thing that I haven't really tried.. NO CONTACT!
And yes, if I do that, I know that not only I will feel better (moving on) but also this is the last chance to get her back. Either way, I will feel better!
No matter what she says, if she is worried about me, if she thinks I killed myself.. I will not contact her, and I will ignore everything she says.. right?

Let her worry about me, not me worry about her.. Besides.. I did the right thing. I did everything I could to save this relationship. Nothing worked! When she wants something, she is going to take it no matter what!
I just don't recognize her.. I mean.. this is NOT her! Trust me guys.. this is not her! Yes you are going to say that she just showed me who she really is.. but this is wrong. This is not her! It's just this stupid phase every woman goes through.. Live something new, excited.. different! Something wild..
NO CONTACT! This is the first day hehe.. If I keep this until next week, I think things will get better (either way)..

She does need me to stay her friend.. she made me promise that if she decides no, then we'll still be close friends.. This will show her that I am not the nice man anymore. I am not stupid anymore..

I have to be strong.. I know I have to...

+ if you ever feel bad or want a rant - COME HERE :) Instead of ringing your ex, come here! Power to the dumpees!

I am into a month and a week of NC. Apart from a myspace message to say how are you etc and happy birthday, which I replied in a buissness like manner, I feel much better now with a month. Its like a weird high your on all day, its so weird being single hehe. Of course when you go to bed it sux a bit. I keep myself busy all the time, see my mates and do sports + gym, helps so much. Good luck You can do it, before you know it will be 6 months.

OK cool 9 pages later and we are finally getting somewhere!! Print out that last post of yours Tester and keep reading it!!

I just printed what brucealmighty said :)

I really need you to stay here with me.. I know this is going to be too hard for me and sometimes I would LOVE to kill myself.. hehe..
I'll give it a shot though! Nothing to loose.. a lot to gain (either one)!

If something happens I'll let you know immediately.. Thank you guys

If it makes you feel any better, you can be in touch with her. Eventually, when you've already moved on. But just make sure you have all your feelings for her cool down.

If she tries to contact you, you don't have to punish yourself, if you need a little fix just to know what she's up to, you can do it. Losing an 8 year best friend/girlfriend leaves a huge hole to fill.

But this is really dangerous, because you will always try to interpret what she says and see things at your own perspective.

Just accept the fact that she's not feeling IT anymore, and try to be cheerful, tell her that you're going out, to the gym, doing great at work, or even going on a date (just make sure you really have one). Just forget about getting back together!!

Little fixes of her every couple of days, will eventually lead to fixes every couple of week and you'll see that this will help you keep your strength, and therefore it will be easier to move on.

Just remember to NOT contact her on a whim, or try to recreate that routine of talking every day, DO NOT talk about the relationship, do not answer her calls right away. DO IT ONLY IF Necessary, BUT FOR YOU, not for her.

GIVE HER THE GIFT OF MISSING YOU!! DON'T BE THERE ALL THE TIME!!

If she comes back, then great, if not, then you've already moved on and become a new man.

sometimes i would LOVE to kill myself.. hehe..
I'll give it a shot though! Nothing to loose.. a lot to gain (either one)!


You won't get the sympathy for that one!

Pick yourself up, hold your head up! Remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Lets go tester.. Move your

To be honest I already tried the NO CONTACT and ignoring her thing.. Last weekend..
She seemed sad for not be able to find me.. But she said almost nothing.. I mean she typed 2-3 lines on MSN, then she said "You dont have to ignore me, unless you want to".. then after some hours she wanted to send me a song.. then that was it..
Later, the next day, when we talked, she told me "I dont hate you, i just didn't want to stay home by myself, because I was afraid to start thinking about all these things. Therefore I went at his place".. hehe.. how stupid?? I mean.. WHAT??

Anyway, I think it worked a little bit because I was not available for her.. I will try this again, not only to see if I can get her back, but also for me to feel better..

I have to do it! It's the only way ( based on what most of you guys told me.. )

I will not contact her, and when she does I will not respond.. only if something bad happens.. or when I feel like talking to her just for company.. nothing about the relationship.. from now on I AM NOT AVAILABLE 24/7...

One other thing and I want you to explain this to me.. During the last time I've tried this, when we talked on the phone I seemed happy, busy, loving my life and enjoying it. She told me "it seems you are happy with your life so you want to move on?" what does that mean? Basically, what I understood is that she thinks "I am happy, he is happy, therefore lets end this now"! Right?

It's obvious that you need to move on. The problem is that you're afraid of losing her while you're at it. This is something we can't control, and if she doesn't comes back you have to be prepared for it.

If next time she asks you directly, you can tell her a vague answer like: "I'm just enjoying every minute of my life, and whatever happens, happens."

Just try to sound CONFIDENT, STRONG and BELIEVE in what you're saying. If you say: "umm, i don't know, I guess...hmm, yeah, I want to move on." Then she knows that you're just playing an act, and she'll keep looking for you until you break again. (like many times before)

The point is that you need to project a better image of yourself if you want any luck with her or any other chick in the future.

She wants to have control, its an ego thing for her, don't give her what she wants.

This woman has you tripping over yourself and controls you like a puppet. Everyone can see it but you. This is denial of the facts and no self respecting male would put up with this treatment. Call it whatever you want but unless you accept the facts that you better get a life, you never will be happy and healthy. After 9 pages don't you think its time to see reality and stop being stuck or are you just trying to keep us going?

she sounds confused.
she has not experienced the single life and does not want to regret later on...this is common for a girl who has been in a long relationship since teenage years.
many posters here have had the same experience...ehh geoff?....

but the best thing for you now is to cut ALL contact and move on,
This is for you ok?to heal and become strong again.
Living in limbo is not a way to live...

Right now she needs to do what she wants and you need to do what you want.

Go and read Geoffs post , its very similiar to yours and read all the advice.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/relationship-breakup-help-39548-2.html?highlight=GEOFFERSONAIRPLANE

Absolutely agree, this is quite similar to what happened to me in some ways. She (My ex) wanted the single life, explore , have fun.. Difference is she cut me out of her life altogether but ended by saying "I just think we should leave it for a while" thereby hinting at time off. I agree that quite often women who get into a serious relationship quite young at some point want to experience the 'Wild Girl' stage. That is what my ex is doing, I met her when I was 23, she was 17 and I was with her for 3 years and also engaged to her. She was not ready for the commitment that I was and basically just wanted to have a good time being single. In some ways, it was not her fault, she just wanted her freedom rather than regret it later, or worse, leave me when kids were involved. It broke my heart but I had to let go, in the end, I had to. It has now been 6 months since that terrible day... I got through it though and with a lot of help from great and supportive people both in my life and also from here on AMHD. It is hard to accept it but it is inevitable and time will heal these wounds you have.

My advice is to stay away from this woman, she is treating you like a doormat and wants you as plan b while she has fun with her single life. You can do better I am sure.. I don't know you either but no man or woman deserves the treatment you are getting. Cut all contact and begin a journey of moving on. It will be very tough, I can't lie, it will be tough but you will get stronger, I promise you. It took me time, and after 6 months I still have those passing thoughts but I find it so much easier to reflect on positively and I feel better in myself than I did 5 months ago. Check my thread, you can see how confused and upset I was, I really did not know what to do. Many people here on AMHD go through a very similar process and not many situations are that different, you only believe it is in your own head. This is kind of a denial thing and denial is a big part of the grief process but once you get through that part, acceptance does not take too long. Don't push yourself to get over this, give yourself time to grieve, as much as you like, months, perhaps even up to a year...

Everyone is different and deals with it differently but for you, YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST CUT ALL CONTACT, and that means all contact. You do this as a means to heal and get healthy again, not so you can try and win her back. This is an illusion that many people fall into that No Contact is a game plan to win the ex back and admittedly, I too thought in this way but it is not so and a very bad idea to latch onto. You will probably think that way but in time, your motives will change when you realise that the No Contact is helping you accept and let go and most importantly >>>> to move on!!

I wish you all the best in this Journey.

OK, I've decided (I don't know how long it's going to last though, but I'll do my best).

NO CONTACT! It's the final thing I am willing to do.. and it's the best thing I am willing to do.

She wants to talk to me? So? If she was my friend, she wouldn't do that to me..
NO CONTACT! It's the only way she will realize what I mean to her.. good or bad.. I don't care! It's the only way..

Please help me keep this.. I want to do it.. I know for the first 1-2 weeks this will push her towards him.. If she comes back, this means she wants to come back. If not, then she never really wanted me..

I have to be strong.. I need help!! No contact! If she calls, texts or emails.. I dont care! I will not respond back..

Its good that you have decided to implement No Contact but I think you are approaching it with the wrong intentions exactly as I pointed out above.

Ask yourself, why would you want her back after she did this to you?

You must value yourself more, she has really treated you badly, if you took her back you would be her doormat, her revolving door.

That is what I would be if I took my ex back too! LOL

See the whole story here,
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=1124639

Omg DRAMA ! You have to move on !
Don't let this girl walk all over you !
\find someone who wants to be with u !
Also u should probably tell this girl you do not want to be her friend or her b#$%H!

Hope I helped
-nina-

Well I have news guys..

It is over!

Last night, I've sent her a text message telling her "take as much time as you need.. you live your life and I will live mine.. no rush"

Well, I didn't know that her new 3-week boyfriend is checking on her mobile, and he saw the message.. They argued, and probably (she didn't tell me) told her "Choose, either him or me"..

She came home 3-4 hours ago, and she wanted to talk to me. She called me. She told me what happened and she told me she can't take this any longer, hurting everyone etc etc..
And she was forced to take a decision now (even though she wasn't ready)..
She chose him!
I told her OK, good luck with your life.. She told me she wants me to be her friend. I told her "NO F***ING WAY.. Friends don't treat each other like this.. Forget about me.. I don't exist anymore"
She told me "I don't want to remember you like this".. I told her "You made me like this"
She told me "If you need anything you can always talk to me" I told her "We'll see.. but I don't think so"
And that's it guys..

Honesty, I fell a lot better now.. I am relieved! Something BAD has just departed from my life.. I know tomorrow I am going to feel really bad.. But at the same time I know that this girl is not for me.. she never was. I don't deserve her. She never respected me! Why should I?

Anyway, I still need you guys to help me here, until I get over her! I know its not going to happen any time soon, but at some point it will..

Thank you for everything guys..

Well that's great in a way Tester,at least it has ENDED now.
What a b****
If she contacts you again do not answer!

What a complete mission and a half that has been! Tester give it a few months and you will start to feel much better. The more you keep busy - the better. Its going to hurt when your alone but hey plenty more life left yet to find another.

Hi guys,

Today I really do feel better.. I mean.. Like nothing happened. I guess this is because I was expecting it.. I don't really know..
I don't care about her right now.. I hope this feeling stays.. You should know.. Is this normal? Will I feel bad later?

The breakup is one of the most confusing things about life! Well in mine anyway. You enter your transition phase, its like your entering a new life a new you. It will take time to get used to it - you will do!

Don't forget there are millions of others just like you and most if not all of the people on this board, wherever they are in the world have been through heart ache. We have to take something from it and make ourselves stronger. Perhaps one day you will meet again and be friends but for the time being you have to become you, once more.

Yes, but why do I feel nice?
Why do I feel like something good happened?
I do love her but I don't really care about her right now..

I forgot to tell you.. 2 days ago she told me "hate me.. it's going to feel better".. and last night on the phone she told me "Don't hate me".. and I told her "Hehe, you told me to hate you" hehe..

She really is a B***H!
And you know something? This new relationship of her will NOT work! Because it started on dishonesty, and the guy is not trusting her.. 3-week boyfriend and checks all the time her cell phone (mobile).. hehe.. She will regret it! But I am not here anymore guys.. There is no chance I will take her back! Trust me!
Great Alexander said (translation from Greek).. "What can't be solved, cut it"

I will keep you posted on any attempts she tries to contact me.

Block her number, get rid of all ways she can contact you. Yeh - in a way you don't want to so you can feel the power of her trying to ring you. But so what? Block all her attempts and move on with your life. In 6 months or so you probably won't ever want to go back.

It's nice feeling trying to reach me and I ignore her.. Trust me.. I do feel nice today.

This is her message on MSN "If you ask yourself the question: is it really worth the pain? The answer might surprise u.. because the sun is worth the rain..." What does the F**K this mean? Can anyone explain this to me? Because English is not my first language..

And she sent me an email telling me:
"My Nicholas,

I just want to let you know that I will always love you... I will miss you too much and I honestly hope that some day we will both be happy, either together or not... I am sorry for everything I;ve done to you. I will pay for the pain I've created for you, I will never forget you, neither what we've had together, and always you will have a piece of my heart. I hope that you look after yourself, that you are always ok and happy in your life.. I want you to know that I will be here for you anytime you want anything, and you can always come to me for anything, where ever you are, any time... You will always be my best friend... I hope that we can talk sometimes... But I'll understand if you want to run away from me, especially during this period.. I will see you in the UK during the summer.
Take care always...

Kathrun XXX"

You understand? You understand nothing sweety.. Enjoy your life and forget about me.. I don't deserve this kind of treatment.. Friends don't do that to each other.. At least friends are honest with each other..

Anyway guys, don't worry.. I am not going to talk with her.. And when she comes during the summer, I will get her a hotel apartment hehe..

I still need you guys so don't run away from me yet :o)!

Thank you for everything..

Block her on MSN! Block everything all her contact.

When you come to the U.K. come stay with me on the beach :P

Will you have to see her in the summer or is there a way to get around it.

I am in the UK man.. I live at Kingston right know.. I am doing my masters degree..

She has to come because the flat is on both right now.. So she has to come to remove everything and cancel the contract!
Don't worry.. hehe.. Its better like this.. u know.. Its better now that I know the answer (though she will regret it 100%).. Look at her email.. she even thinks of coming back in the future. Hehe.. What a stupid girl..

Get your masters and go get a good job and earn a lot! Concentrate on that rather than some relationship.

Good news Tester. I wish though that she did not have to make the decision for you and you saw this coming ahead of time (as all the posters stated). It blows my mind as to how selfish people can be - she could have saved you a lot of pain by calling the shot a lot earlier, but she put her need to "keep options open" over the pain she was causing you. This, my friend, is why there is no unconditional love in the world and in the end, you ALWAYS have to look out for #1 (yourself) first.

In any case, it sounds like you are handling it well right now. It will get harder, but stay busy, meet girls as much as possible and stay active (sport, gym, etc). Lean on your friends now as well. Good luck and I wish you the best.

Hi guys..

Today it's the 4th day of not talking with her.. and I do feel great! I am happy, and surely I can live without her..
I've also met this girl.. I missed a lot of stuff from life during all these 8 years with her.. This is my time now!

Yesterday morning, I was in the MSN appeared as offline. She didn't see me in, and she tried to login using my account (I forgot that she knew my password). She tried 3 times.. Immediately I changed my password and blocked her! What she was trying to do? To see if I added girls in my account? So what? She doesn't care! How immature this girl is?

Last night she tried to call me.. She called 3 times and then she stopped. I don't have the need to talk with her.. I don't know what she wanted to tell me, but I really don't care! I know that if I talk with her, I will feel bad for the next 1-2 days.. So why do that to myself?

That's my news until now.. I told all my family and friends what this girl did to me.. I did this because if at some point I try to contact her, they will stop me.. I don't want to get back together with her.. Yes she is very beautiful (9.5/10), but if her heart is made of rock, I don't want to see her ever again.. I prefer a girl who understands me and loves me because of who I am and not of what I offer to her..

Life is great guys :)!

Thank you for your support

Nicholas

I am allways tempted to unblock my ex on msn! Its so hard, but stay strong yeah? For yourself

I've also met this girl.. I missed a lot of stuff from life during all these 8 years with her.. This is my time now!
I'm so glad you've left miss cruel heart behind, but please don't jump right into a rebound relationship. You need some time to regain your center and find an emotional equilibrium within yourself. Without doing that, you will likely repeat the pattern and spread the heartache around. Neither you nor rebound girl deserves it, so go slow and be careful.

Don't worry my friend.. She is the one who moved into a relationship before we even split-up for good..
I am 26.. I am not 18 and I know what's the best for me now..
First meet new friends.. re-unite with old friends.. Build my life..
And whatever good comes, enjoy! Right? :)
Of course I don't want to hurt myself, or hurt this girl like the b***h hurt me..

I have news guys..

She sent me the following message:

"Nichola, sorry for writing to you but can we really not be friends? We said that we will always be here for each other whatever happens.. I know you hate me and its your right to feel like that, but if you choose not to talk to me again I will understand.. You will always be my best friend"

2 hours before the message, I wrote an email to her sister, asking her to tell Kathryn some things I wanted to say.. When I got this message from her, I forwarded the same email to Kathryn (Her sister's name is Anna):

"Hi Anna,

Sorry to bother you from here, but I do know that you are talking with K almost everyday, therefore I would like you to tell her something!
I don't want to talk with her, simply because everytime we contact each other, I want to kill myself! This is too painful..
I am trying to move on here Anna.. I am meeting new people (males and females), I am reuniting with my old friends.. I am trying to build my life here all over again.

It's not that I am ignoring her. I know (because I really know her) that she thinks I am playing a game or something here. This is not true. I am moving on with my life without her.
I am NOT playing hard to get or whatever she thinks right now.. I am moving on Anna.. Please make sure she understands that. I am not a game anymore.

Please tell her that I am ok, I am happy (at least I think I am), and that she doesn't need to worry about me. I hate her little games she is playing with me.. But this doesn't make any difference.
Please make sure that she is careful on her decisions. I know this is her life, but she is doing things that I can't really believe.. This is NOT K! This is not her.. Please take good care of her because I know she needs your advice and your experience..
I do love her Anna.. its been 8 years! But that's all.. Everything has changed (including myself)..
And I was clear with her from the beginning.. "If you tell me to move on, then I will move on, and there is no way to come back".. I really mean that!
I was honest with her, and I don't think she understands that..

Sorry for bothering you Anna.. But I can't talk with her anymore..

Thank you for everything you've done for me during all these years.."


When my ex read the email, she wrote me 3 more messages without getting any replies from me:

"You will have to talk to me sometime"

"I am sorry, I will disappear so you can move on.. This is what you deserve. I will pay for everything I've done for you Nicholas, I swear. I am not me anymore, and you deserve better anyway... I will miss you.. Take care of yourself always x x x"

"I will really miss you.. I hope that we meet again some day.."


This thing is killing her.. Oh well.. I am stronger than ever now..

I left a bit out! Now move on and block her email etc so u can't here from her again.

You did very well, excellent mail to the sister, really good.
That way she knows you are not playing games or hard to get(which I thought you were doing)
Everything is clear , very good and honest.

All you have to do is move on now.