Still a bit new to AMHD but so far it's helpful and motivational in many ways. It's nice knowing that other people are going through tough times (though it'd obviously be better if nobody had to go through this). In my last post on AMHD I told how my now Ex-gf slept with another guy while over her 40day study abroad trip in Oxford. As surprising as it is, coming from who I thought she was, I still manage to feel that I expected it all along. We were together for over a year and 6 months. Things had been pretty fantastic and I felt that both of us shared an amazing relationship. We both loved each other and we were there for each other in so many ways. We were best friends who had plenty in common, and we both helped each other through schooling, including the work, feelings of depressing, family matters and more. I don't think I could've been any more supportive of her. We hung out with many of the same people, though I've noticed that most of them were closer to her. Now I'm left with a lot fewer friends and a lot less support.. I've lost such a huge part of my life and I know I should be happy. She screwed me over so badly and I don't even know how she feels about it. I honestly didn't care to ask if she was sorry or not. As terrible as it is, I wish everything would turn to hell for her. She's already changed me in so many ways, both good and bad (for now), and I really just want her to suffer because of it. Before she left everything seemed so wonderful. We spent a wonderful trip at a music festival for a few days, and then our last weeks hanging out and having fun. When leaving she told me that she was going to miss me so much and even started crying. It made me feel so much more confident in the situation, as months before I had proposed the idea of breaking up or taking a break while she was gone. She told me that she didn't want to do that and that we would make it through the distance. When she left everything seemed fine and she even said that after all of my support, she was going to try her best to do well FOR ME. She continued messaging almost every day saying that she loved and missed me, wished I were there, blablabla. She even posted pics of things I knew were meant for me, posted things on my wall that reminded her of me, and continued reminding me of how wonderful it would be when we got back together.

When we talked about what had changed, she told me she didn't know how to say it so I suggested I just ask her. It wasn't hard to ask what had happened. I somehow knew everything I needed answered. She said that over the trip she started to lose feelings for me and that she slept with a guy (sober) and that it just kind of happened. They didn't even mean for it to go that far. ***FFF? Someone had a condom! And you didn't expect it to go that far? After everything that we had been through, she seriously couldn't have just waited till she got back? She couldn't give me the respect to break up with me first? How do you even do that to someone? I guess my morals are different, because I feel terrible even at the thought of cheating on my SO.

My wall is up now. I haven't shed a tear for her. I'm maintaining my NC and trying to stay busy, working out hard, and trying my best to keep from wandering online and within my mind. Everyone who's seen me lately thinks that I'm taking this like a "champ", but in all honesty I'm on the edge right now. I'm waiting for a push. I'd love to fall off but I know it's not worth it. I'm just so incredibly angry, confused, sad, lonely, and yet I'm none of these. I can't tell what I'm feeling. I don't know what to think. What to say.

The day we broke up I bumped into some friends that I hadn't seen in a long time and went to a party with them. Met a bunch of people who are potential friends, but only when it comes to partying and such. While at the party I was having a good time. I could say and do whatever I wanted and people would like it... but that's what happens when you're intoxicated... Although I have a great time going out and doing that, I can honestly say that it's not what I want to do or who I really want to be. I haven't figured out what I want to do with this life. It's funny that I've felt for some time that the most wonderful thing would be to live in the city as a baker. Don't know where that came from, but it just sounds so perfect.

I'm a little lost right now, so give me a direction. Finding what to do is so much easier when you're told what to do. At least then you can agree or disagree with what's been put in front of you.