My eldest son chose not to invite me (his father) to his wedding (he is 29 now). He sided with his mother in our divorce eight years ago. I have spoken with him maybe a dozen times in those years, but have made repeated efforts (letters written, telephone, email, Facebook, text messages, etc.) to initiate a discussion with him from the time the divorce was in process right up until just days before the wedding, when it had been clear for months that I would not be invited. All but one of those has been ignored, and the one time we did meet face to face, he assured me he would come visit and talk things through with his dad, although that never happened. I have remembered him and all of my sons on their birthdays, at Christmas, and at other times throughout the years. It is difficult to see them often face to face, as I have lived over 900 miles away now for the past three years.

I get along fine with his three younger brothers, and am deeply hurt by his actions. I love all of my children, and always will. I had asked his mother to discuss "doing what's right" with him, but I don't believe that discussion happened. I did not divorce my children, but I did divorce their mother. Infidelity played no role in it, but he has been convinced that their father "abandoned the family" when I decided to divorce their mother.

Is there any situation where his actions would be appropriate?

Which actions are you asking about? Ignoring you or blaming you or siding with his mother or not inviting you to his wedding.

How was visitation arranged when he was younger? How often did you see him? I realize you sent cards and gifts, but how often did you see him?

For whatever reason he feels estranged from you and apparently wants to keep things this way - I can't imagine how hurt you must be.

I worked in a matrimonial law firm and always saw a difference in how children handled divorce, usually a big division by sex and age. In my experience boys who suddenly became the "man" of the family carried the most resentment toward the father.

Another was a parent "confiding" in the oldest child, sort of more friend and less child.

I guess this is less painful than being invited to the wedding and being ignored OR not being invited and showing up and being asked to leave.

I have ghastly story about a second wife, "new" husband widowed for 5 years when they meet, for 6 years when they married, going to the wedding of her stepson who felt that her presence "might" insult his mother's memory AND being seated at the head table NEXT to a photo and the ashes of wife #1.

So - if the kids don't want you there, don't go.

If your son is estranged from you because you Hurt (abusive) to his mother, yes, that is understandable.

If your son is estranged from you because you Hurt (abusive) to his mother, yes, that is understandable.


Where are you reading that he "hurt" to his mother - ?