I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, we've known each other for over 4 years, and have been engaged since January.

Our relationship is kind of complicated. I have severe anxiety disorder with agoraphobia. Which has completely distroyed my life. I was very popular, pretty, smart, etc. in high school... got whatever guy I wanted, and ALWAYS had a boyfriend at all times. After high school I started having really bad panic attacks and was having really bad family issues. This progressed into a full blown anxiety disorder after a few years. With this, I pushed away all my friends and stopped dating after a few physically abusive relationships. Then (my boyfriend now) emailed me online randomly one day and we met and started dating.

The truth is he is really nerdy, has a weird sense of humor, and I didn't find him attractive AT ALL when I met him, but didn't mind the friendship because he tried to help me with my issues. He basically wouldn't let me alone until I would date him and after a year I did. I always felt like I had the upper hand because I knew I was really attractive and he wanted me. Our sex life was really great in the beginning, he always acted like he wanted me, I hardly had to touch him to make him .

Now I am becoming increasingly angry and resentful because this has all changed. He is not romantic, he does not do any kind of physical touching (even just playing with my hair) unless I beg him to. I give him intense focused back massages and he barely even pinches my skin when he gives me one (after begging for days and getting in fights) I try to seduce him all the time. Just start kissing him out of nowhere, play with him randomly, look into his eyes, wear sexy things, make random sexual comments, ask him if he wants to touch me... and this goes nowhere. Basically if I initiate everything and jump him, I can get sex once a week maybe, usually on the weekend. I am so frustrated because I am trying so hard, and he doesn't even care. We went to bed last night, I wrapped my legs around him and started kissing him and trying to get him interested... nothing... he just kept stopping kissing me and then just closing his eyes to go to sleep. I have told him before that I literally crave and need affection and kissing and sex and romance and he will not change, no matter how much I beg. We fight a lot now. Just as an fyi-his brother passed away in an accident last year. Since then he has become extremely pissy, angry, and has begun drinking (hes not an alcoholic or aggressive or anything). The love and affection has diminished even more. I don't know what to do anymore. I am starting to think that if this is the way it is now, how is our married life going to be? But I feel COMPLETELY trapped because of my disorder and that myself esteem has now gone to basically nothing and I don't feel like anyone else will want me. Let alone, trying to start all over again with another relationship... But I NEED to be loved and wanted and I resent him because I feel like I started dating him even though I didn't even want him, and now Im the one begging for sex from a guy I wasn't even attracted to, talk about an ego killer.

Have you been in therapy and keep up with it?

His behaviour is confusing to me as well. It seems that the death of his brother is affecting him negatively. I am assuming that the change in the relationship came about this time as well?

You also said that you fight a lot. Do you talk a lot as well? Most fights tend to be very accusatory in nature. "It wouldn't so bad if you.... The problem with you is... You need too..." There is a lot of it's your fault. A honest chat that centres around you would probably do wonders. These would be "I" statements. "I feel ignored because... " That type of thing.

The other thing I noticed is that there has been a Huge power shift. Things never were equal, I always fel like I had the upper hand because I knew I was really attractive and he wanted me to ... he will nto change, no matter how much I beg. and ... now Im the one begging for sex from a guy I wasn't even attracted to.... What does this say to you. Most things should be relatively equal in the relationship but now it seems you're both vieing for power. Not a good thing. Maybe I am reading this wrong.

I think you both need to clear away all of what is happening and try to rebuild your relationship. I think Couple's counseling would help a lot here. I believe things are on a downhill slide and Marriage should be taken off the plate until things start getting better.

While you need to be loved and wanted, you have to realize that when those desires are satisfied by sacrificing your happiness or sanity than you're not coming out ahead. You're losing ground. You might have some hard decisions out there soon.

Thank you so much for replying. I have had all this bottled up for so long... I have been dying to get it out and talk to someone about it.
I have tried multiple kinds of therapies, as far as my anxiety goes... I was working on a self help program, but can never seem to stick with it. Its like I deal with this on a daily basis and still try to live a somewhat normal life, but it is pure hell. So the last thing I want to do when I come home at night is work on a therapy program, because the only place I feel relaxed is when I'm home. It sucks.
Anyway, yes, the death of his brother did make things worse... the sex became even less after that... and I have been extremely supportive of him through it, but he won't let his feelings out.. ever. Its been almost a year, and its still the same way. But things weren't good before his brother died either. I don't really understand. He doesn't act very depressed or anything. What does his brothers death have to do with having a good sex life? But I think there may be some connection.
We do talk a lot too. I have tried explaining to him many times the way I feel and that I want to feel wanted. Sometimes when he ignores my advances at him I just start crying. I can't help it. Because I do love him, and it hurts me very much when he doesn't want me as much as I want him. I've even explained this when he has seen me cry before, and how much it hurts me, but he just gets angry and says that I don't think he is good enough, or he can't do anything right or whatever. But I don't yell at him or anything... he just automatically thinks I am yelling at him and putting him down. It drives me crazy.
I know what I said may sound very egotisical and I am usually not that type of person, but it's the truth... and I have it bottled up inside of me, screaming, but of course I would never tell him that... I wouldn't want to hurt him like that. But inside it's that kind of resentment like "how could you not want me you idiot? other guys like you would die to have sex with me!" you know? I know how horrible that sounds, but that's what Im always thinking.
And don't get me wrong, he is a good guy and all, and I do love him. But I don't think I can live like this. I am already very depressed about my life and my problems and just want to snap my fingers and be okay, but that will never happen. One of the only things I enjoy in life right now is sex... and I don't mean like raunchy stuff... like true love, intimacy, looking into eachothers eyes, passionate sex. The power of the feeling of being in love sustains me and I crave that feeling... but can't get it from him. I always tell him how I really want to "make love" but he doesn't understand that. Its just a quicky thing to him. Just get it done and then go make a sandwich, you know? Im so frustrated.
I think one of my other problems is that my last boyfriend was a complete sex-o-holic... we used to do it at least once a day, every day, if not more for over 2 years... so I am used to that kind of thing, I loved him so I tended to his needs. Now I feel completely unwanted because this relationship isn't the same way.

It is more the emotional impact that his death would have had on him. It can cause people to withdraw and shut themselves off from other people. Which would include being intimate.

There are two choices as I see it:
1). Counseling. For the both of you together. See if you can't work this issue out.
2). Walk away. I understand you love him. Sometimes, most times actually, love isn't enough. It honestly sounds like you've already chosen this option you just haven't fallen through.

The one thing to realize that there are people who will find you insanely attractive and others that won't. That doesn't make you pretty or ugly. You will find someone else. It will just take time.

I understand that. I know that a death can really screw you up, that's why I try to keep supporting him and I don't yell too much about his drinking. I really don't want to loose him because I love him and he is the first actually good guy that I have found in a really long time. Plus we've been in the relationship for a fairly long time, I don't want to just give that up. I'm not sure how to go about it. Im scared because I feel like I will never find anyone else. Especially now that I am such a hermit and I am scared to go away because of my panic attacks (which I am completely aware of how ridiculous that is, and trying desperately to work on that) I know that he is really attracted to me. I know that is not the problem. Because when we do have sex he gets so worked up that he barely even moves in me and cums in like 2 minutes (not trying to be too graphic haha) and he tells me its because I turn him on so much... (which is also a problem lol, because our when we finally do have sex, it only last for a couple minutes!! So I try so hard, and then only get literally a few minutes of sex) maybe I shouldn't do any foreplay because he tends to get too worked up. Anyway, I think maybe I will try to talk to him again tonight. Try to have a sit down conversation, even though he usually just gets very angry with me... I geuss it could either go really really really bad or go okay...