I just got engaged, however, am not as happy as other people think I would be. He wants to get married very soon, but I am not very sure. What has been haunting me was some affair he had with a girl a couple of months before he proposed to me. As he said, they met before he and I met. He liked her but did not make any move because she herself was in a relationship. He then met and fell madly in love with me. Both of us are considered good looking and successful, and we both have very strong personality. We have quite some fights during our relationship. According to him, that girl still kept calling her even after he told her that he did not want to have any contact with her because he already had me. Then after all those fights, he told her and she comforted him. Later he claimed those conversation had nothing beyond just friendship. I caught him up twice that he went out to call this girl and he told me he just went out to do some grocery shopping. I felt I was cheated because I knew all his other female friends but never heard about this girl. I had a big fight with him because he called her on my back in excuse of going out to shop or whatever. We did not completely end up that relationship though but did not have contact for two weeks. He called or emailed, I did not answer. Then one day after his another email, we went out for dinner together to talk. I told him how disappointed I was, and he also felt that I lost trust on him. A couple of days later he expressed his concern that I would never be able to trust him any more. Then he said something sort of like being just friends for some time. Three days later, I was going to visit a friend who lives very close to him. I stopped by his house, and happened to see that girl came to visit him and stayed there over night. He told me they did not have sex and they slept in separate rooms. I later found out that that girl came to visit him after a couple of our fights. I still do not know if I should trust what he said that they never had sex. He then let the girl go back home that day, and had lunch with me that day and night. A week later, he wanted to get back with me. He said sometimes he was pushed over to that girl by our fights because he did not feel very promising with our relationship. But he would like to start over. I told him that if he promised never contact her again, I could give it a try. We then got back together, but at the beginning he admitted that they still had some sparse contact, but then stopped it as he said. He proposed about two months after this affair.

This thing just happened about three months ago, and I can not just forget it. I do not know if I will ever. Also, like last week, we were on vacation, and he got an "unknown " call. I asked who that was, and he said he did not know. I then reacted as if it were her calling. I have never been hurt like this in any relationship. He apologized and also said he thought our relationship was over during that time. However, I had a hard time understanding why he kept those secret calls for months, and had never let me know that girl visited him after some of our fights. Is that really just that girl's fault?

My question to you guys is: Should I trust him again? Some people said we were still supposed to have freedom to know other people before engagement, but to me, having an intimate relationship is also very serious and exclusive too. I am very puzzled. I like him and said yes to his proposal. However, I am actually not sure if I should marry him.
This thought has been haunting me for a long time, and so far I have not had a good solution yet. Hope I can seek some wisdom and advice here. Thanks in advance!

I think the fact that you have that doubt in your mind answers your question. He did cheat on you, whether he had sex with that other girl, he had some form of relationship with her, and then has turned it back on you saying it was because he didn't feel promising in your relationship. So what happens if you are married and have a fight, will he run off with someone else and say it is your fault again. You should talk to him about this, it is a major issue, and one that needs discussing before marriage. Good luck.

You say you like him, and you don't trust him... why would you marry someone that you don't love or trust?

From what you have said I don't believe you should get married to this guy until these fears are gone... either discuss them with him and tell him how you feel- see what he has to say, and if he can do anything to appease your thoughts. Or you can move on. It sounds to me he was seeking her out as a crutch. What's to say if you DO get married, and get into a fight that he won't run back to her or even other girls?

Don't get married unless you love and trust him completely... no doubts. Otherwise you will find yourself full of regrets and miserable down the road

Thanks a lot for your response. We talked about it, and he said after he got married, he would have course just stay in this relationship no matter in good or bad times. However, isn't the past behavior the best predictor for the future? Can those people really learn this lesson and never repeat this behavior?

NYCgirl

You are correct in that the past behavior is a good indicator for the future. SOME people really do learn the lessons and never ever repeat the behavior.

My concern is that he ran to her when you two had an argument. Liking someone is not enough reason to marry. Loving someone is not enough reason either at times. You can love someone but not be able to live with them because of their behavior.

I would hold off on the wedding. If you can find the following book, "Single Wisdom" by Dr. Paris Finner-Williams, it would make great reading and shed some light into your situation. Good luck.

Many thanks, Shygrneyzs, for your advice. I will get the book and read it.

Thanks again.

I had another talk with him last night. I brought up this topic again. He said he was sorry for what has happened in the past, and he learned his lesson that he should never start a new relationship before even finishing one relationship. As matter of fact, he said since our engagement, they have had no contact. I also mentioned that I can not just recover from the pain by myself, and I need his help to appease my concern. He understood, but also said he was worried that if I can never let it go, and this issue will disturb us forever, perhaps we should cool down for sometime. I guess he meant separate for some time. He said things have happened. And there is no way to erase them no matter how regretful he was. I just do not feel he is making enough effort to win me back although he has proposed. Do you agree? Thanks.

You can back off the relationship for awhile and see what happens. Saying this, during this time I would not be the one waiting by the phone. Your boyfriend has a good point about not being able to ever let "it" go but he is responsible in this to help you. It could be true that you never get past the hurt. It can very well be that you forgive him and put that behind you and work on what you have here and now. He has to be vested enough in the relationship in order for that to all work out.

Maybe it is a good time to have a "cooling off" period. Rethink your dreams, your wants, and how your boyfriend fits into what you plan for your future.

What do you think he would have said and done IF it had been you doing what he did?

Hope it all goes well for you. Take care of yourself, above anyone else.

Thanks a lot, Shygrneyzs. Reading your response is always so inspiring.

I think if I had done the same thing to him, he would leave me at the point he found it out. According to him, his ex cheated on him , and he left her and never went back no matter how hard she begged him to go back to her. I reminded him that I was equally hurt if not more as he was ever been.

Anyway, I am just so tired. Have not been sleeping well these days. A lot of people know we are engaged and gave me their congrats. But only I myself know the truth in my heart. I am 34 and he is 33. This would be our first marriage for both of us. We have been together for a year, and I do not really feel I should invest that much more time to see if he can improve , etc. On the other hand, he is a good match other than this. SO I have been debating between leaving him and stay. I think you are right that we should cool off for some time. If we are meant to be together, I guess we will eventually be. Thanks again. I feel better after writing all these done and seeing the responses from you and other friends. Best wishes to you all.

Hi, all

I just found out that he is still having email contact with that girl. He was comforting her for some of her work trouble. He knew how hard it was for me to see them together. Why is he still doing this to me? I just feel that he was putting her on hold in case he and I do not work out.

Everyone, should I leave him now even though the emails did not indicate any flirting just some comfort and encouragement. Your advice is badly needed!

Thanks!