Relocating with minor children after years of domestic violence.F
Today, 10:13 AM
Hi I have been married to a police officer/military veteran for 8 years. We have two toddler age children. I live in NYC. After years of my alcoholic husband terrorizing my children and I, coming home drunk screaming, yelling, cursing me out, slamming doors and breaking things, scaring the kids. Hitting me in front of the kids, spitting in my face, just to name a few, I decided to take the kids and leave. The only problem is is that I don't have ANY friends or family in NY. I called my mother in law to come and pick up me and the kids, which she has done several times, so me and the kids could get away from his abuse. While living with my mother in law for a couple of months, I finally got the nerve to seek outside help(courts/order of protection/ custody) instead of always calling his family for help, after a DV incident in broad day light at the airport. I couldn't dare call the police, because of his MANY threats, which I took very seriously at the time . Looking at my situation now, I wish I had of called the police. After getting the restraining order my kids and intended up homeless, which is something I NEVER expected because his entire family was well aware of his drinking and abuse. I was represented by a legal aid attorney who was mean, rude and very intimidating. He wasn't sensitive to the fact that I has been abused for years and desperately needed someone who was going to fight for me and my kids. I have been completely abandoned by everyone who I considered family. My mom in law and sis in law are all cops too, and apparently they ALL will stick together even If they have done the wrong thing. I have gone on welfare, living in shelters all because I tried to keep my children and myself safe. I have exhausted all resources to try and get legal representation to help me relocate out of state, where my kids and I can live a safe happy life, and have a chance to get back into nursing school. Everyone(courts) expect you to just start over with nothing and no one after years of. Constant abuse. I still am subjected to verbal abuse and intimidation from my husband to this day. Resulting in me having to file a police report because of his harassment. I have to "play" nice with him, making sure I don't do anything to make him upset. This is NO way for kids to live. I am tied to a state so he can have his weekly visits as if he's done nothing wrong. I have always been a wonderful mother to my children no matter the terrible abuse I was subjected to, in front of the kids. I have applied for housing, looked for jobs, you name it. Its been an immense struggle, with absolutely NO luck. Definitely need a support system after everything we have been through. It's like I don't have ANY rights as a mother! Please any advice. Sorry so long. Thank you.

What is it you need to know?

Do you get COURT AWARDED spousal and child support? If so, go back to Court and request permission to move. A lot depends on whether you are moving 1 or 100 miles away.

I will tell you what the Court might said - a wonderful mother would have removed herself and her children from the rollercoaster a very long time ago. I realize why you didn't or couldn't... but they have been subjected to and witnessed a lot of unpleasantness, and that includes living here and then living there and back again. You couldn't call the Police because he's a Police Officer and was threatening you? I'm also in NY - contact his superior. I trust you have proof of what you've said?

Where is your family in this?

Are you married, divorced, separated, something else (?)?

Im so sorry... well you should call a friend or whatever you think would help you. I don't know why you would marry him in the first place I have to say. JudyKayTee is correct about everything she said...

... I was represented by a legal aid attorney who was mean, rude and very intimidating. He wasn't sensitive to the fact that I has been abused for years and desperately needed someone who was going to fight for me and my kids. ...

It occurs to me that the attorney was "mean, rude and very intimidating" precisely because he subconciously perceived that behavior was how best to communcate with you. After all, the reasoning would go, you must have been putting up with it for years for some reason.


... ... I am tied to a state so he can have his weekly visits as if he's done nothing wrong....

Come up with a definite plan to relocate. Present this to the court along with clear proof of the abuse and I believe the court will allow you to relocate.

Im so sorry.... well you should call a friend or whatever you think would help you. I dont know why you would marry him in the first place i have to say. JudyKayTee is correct about everything she said...


Thank you for the mark of approval BUT you are a child on an adult legal board. Please - your answers today have been off the mark in a lot of categories. "I don't know why you would marry hm in the first place ..." is totally out of line and does NOT answer the question in any fashion.

I realize you are trying to help. You might be much better served to stay on the children's boards or teen boards.

What is it you need to know?

Do you get COURT AWARDED spousal and child support? If so, go back to Court and request permission to move. A lot depends on whether you are moving 1 or 100 miles away.

I will tell you what the Court might said - a wonderful mother would have removed herself and her children from the rollercoaster a very long time ago. I realize why you didn't or couldn't ... but they have been subjected to and witnessed a lot of unpleasantness, and that includes living here and then living there and back again. You couldn't call the Police because he's a Police Officer and was threatening you? I'm also in NY - contact his superior. I trust you have proof of what you've said?

Where is your family in this?

Are you married, divorced, separated, something else (?)?




Thank you for responding.

My first question is,do you know of any legal resources available to me in the area of Putnam County New York(where my case was originally opened)? I have called so many different agencies, but haven't been able to find someone who could take my case on. I.E. no lawyers available at the time or no funding for a pro bono lawyer in my county. I don't want to utilize legal aide again, because I would be tossing the coin on, hoping I would be appointed a lawyer who actually "gives a crap". I am sure all legal aide attorneys aren't like my original lawyer, but I have too much at stake to go in the courtroom with someone who'd rather be somewhere else, in my eyes. Especially since my husband was able to shell out cash for 2 different lawyers when he wasn't satisfied with his first. I stood in the courtroom as my husbands lawyer lied to know end to the judge, while my lawyer stood there defenseless, because he never bother returning any phone calls, to discuss facts of my case.

Yes, I was awarded court ordered child support(which should be modified because he makes a significant amount more of money),

No my lawyer don't ask for spousal support, we are legally married for eight years and I have been home with the girls since 2007, during his deployments and PD career.

I understand now, that I should have left a LONG time ago, but during they time I was a shell of a person In a sense. Just trying to do things that would set him off. Not neglecting the girls, trying to be a good mom to them through it all. But a GOOD mom wouldn't have allowed those things to happen. We are out of the situation now, but things have completely fallen apart for us, because I reached out for help, which basically fell on deaf ears. I have had 2 court dates scheduled, for a modification hearing allowing me and the girls to relocate, but couldn't find a lawyer. My case was dismissed without prejudice.

Throughout the years of abuse, I was always threatened that he would break my jaw if I called the cops, he would tell them I am lying, no one would believe me or even care, because he was a cop. I know now that he Just wanted to keep the control .

I was in contact with his Sgt in the very beginning of the DV case. He wanted me to describe instances of abuse, which I did. I asked if he wanted to talk to me in person, he declined. My husbands guns were taken away, during the OOP. 2 weeks ago my husband called me to see him. I said no. From that moment he called and texted my phone, the ENTIRE day, calling me a loser, welfare whore, I am a liar... I asked him to stop calling me, he wouldn't. I went to the precint and filed a police report. I have text messages in my old phone from FEB, with him saying he's outside my building,I better do what's right, before it's too late, texting me at midnight, saying the kids want to talk to me. (which was a lie, he wanted to talk yo me but I didn't want to speak to him).
In my phone he stole at Laguardia airport, there were dozens of text from him to me saying he was going to kill himself, him threatening me. In the notes section of my phone I had written down dates and specific details of his abuse on the dates that they happened. I never received medical treatment, so no proof their. But on one occasion after hitting me in the face, he closed the bedroom door right on my head with all of his might. Instantly a giant goose egg with a cut in it popped up, I thought he'd cracked my skull. My mom in law came in and "smoothed" things over so I wouldn't call the police on her son. To this day I realize how stupid I was, for NOT calling, look where my kids and I are today... In a shelter with no one or nothing.


My entire family is 1200 miles away in Alabama, where I was born and raided. My family is hurting because they can't really do anything, right now financially, as far as having 25,000 dollars for a lawyer to represent me. They feel like me and the girls have been let down. My family loves me and the girls do much. My mom feels like she's just waiting on "a phone call". I tell them not to worry, but how could they not. My sister got a notarized letter. Stating that me and the girls can live with her (military vet and elementary school teacher and mom)

Thank you for responding.

My first question is,do you know of any legal resources available to me in the area of Putnam County New York(where my case was originally opened)? I have called so many different agencies, but haven't been able to find someone who could take my case on. I.E., no lawyers available at the time or no funding for a pro bono lawyer in my county. I dont want to utilize legal aide again, because I would be tossing the coin on, hoping I would be appointed a lawyer who actually "gives a crap". I am sure all legal aide attorneys aren't like my original lawyer, but I have too much at stake to go in the courtroom with someone who'd rather be somewhere else, in my eyes. Especially since my husband was able to shell out cash for 2 different lawyers when he wasn't satisfied with his first. I stood in the courtroom as my husbands lawyer lied to know end to the judge, while my lawyer stood there defenseless, because he never bother returning any phone calls, to discuss facts of my case.

Yes, I was awarded court ordered child support(which should be modified because he makes a significant amount more of money),

No my lawyer don't ask for spousal support, we are legally married for eight years and I have been home with the girls since 2007, during his deployments and PD career.

I understand now, that I should have left a LONG time ago, but during they time I was a shell of a person In a sense. Just trying to do things that would set him off. Not neglecting the girls, trying to be a good mom to them through it all. But a GOOD mom wouldn't have allowed those things to happen. We are out of the situation now, but things have completely fallen apart for us, because I reached out for help, which basically fell on deaf ears. I have had 2 court dates scheduled, for a modification hearing allowing me and the girls to relocate, but couldn't find a lawyer. My case was dismissed without prejudice.

Throughout the years of abuse, I was always threatened that he would break my jaw if I called the cops, he would tell them I am lying, no one would believe me or even care, because he was a cop. I know now that he Just wanted to keep the control .

I was in contact with his Sgt in the very beginning of the DV case. He wanted me to describe instances of abuse, which I did. I asked if he wanted to talk to me in person, he declined. My husbands guns were taken away, during the OOP. 2 weeks ago my husband called me to see him. I said no. From that moment he called and texted my phone, the ENTIRE day, calling me a loser, welfare whore, I am a liar....... I asked him to stop calling me, he wouldn't. I went to the precint and filed a police report. I have text messages in my old phone from FEB, with him saying he's outside my building,I better do what's right, before it's too late, texting me at midnight, saying the kids want to talk to me. (which was a lie, he wanted to talk yo me but I didn't want to speak to him).
In my phone he stole at Laguardia airport, there were dozens of text from him to me saying he was gonna kill himself, him threatening me. In the notes section of my phone I had written down dates and specific details of his abuse on the dates that they happened. I never received medical treatment, so no proof their. But on one occasion after hitting me in the face, he closed the bedroom door right on my head with all of his might. Instantly a giant goose egg with a cut in it popped up, I thought he'd cracked my skull. My mom in law came in and "smoothed" things over so I wouldn't call the police on her son. To this day I realize how stupid I was, for NOT calling, look where my kids and I are today... In a shelter with no one or nothing.


My entire family is 1200 miles away in Alabama, where I was born and raided. My family is hurting because they can't really do anything, right now financially, as far as having 25,000 dollars for a lawyer to represent me. They feel like me and the girls have been let down. My family loves me and the girls do much. My mom feels like she's just waiting on "a phone call". I tell them not to worry, but how could they not. My sister got a notarized letter. Stating that me and the girls can live with her (military vet and elementary school teacher and mom)

I would undoubtedly have a strong and stable support system to help me regain my confidence and independence, by being around people who GENUIELY LOVE me and the girls. I just want the kids to have a normal, stable, loving environment. That's what they deserve and more.
I absolutely don't want to take the kids away from their dad, they can still visit, but this situation needs to be looked at in it's entirety.

We have been legally married for 8 years. Separated for almost 1 year( not legally, though).

Sorry if I rambled and misspelled. But thank you for reading and responding.

It occurs to me that the attorney was "mean, rude and very intimidating" precisely because he subconciously perceived that behavior was how best to communcate with you. After all, the reasoning would go, you must have been putting up with it for years for some reason.


Thank you for reading and responding. I definitely take responsibility for allowing the abuse. People will only do, what you allow. I have grown a lot through out all of this (still am), but I now know the kind of lives the girls and I deserve.



Come up with a definite plan to relocate. Present this to the court along with clear proof of the abuse and I believe the court will allow you to relocate.

I have cams up with a plan as far as the move is concerned, visitstion schedule, the exact schools the kids would attend.(The best school in the county, is in our community). A nursing program for me to enroll in, my mom/sisters can help with the girls. And the most important... A loving stable environment with, lots of family friends and support. I can only hope I have enough clear proof, with the police report, text messages calls and stalking behavior and the original OOP. Thank you again for reading and responding.

It occurs to me that the attorney was "mean, rude and very intimidating" precisely because he subconciously perceived that behavior was how best to communcate with you. After all, the reasoning would go, you must have been putting up with it for years for some reason.


Thank you for reading and responding. I definitely take responsibility for allowing the abuse. People will only do, what you allow. I have grown a lot through out all of this (still am), but I now know the kind of lives the girls and I deserve.



Come up with a definite plan to relocate. Present this to the court along with clear proof of the abuse and I believe the court will allow you to relocate.

I have cams up with a plan as far as the move is concerned, visitstion schedule, the exact schools the kids would attend.(The best school in the county, is in our community). A nursing program for me to enroll in, my mom/sisters can help with the girls. And the most important... A loving stable environment with, lots of family friends and support. I can only hope I have enough clear proof, with the police report, text messages calls and stalking behavior and the original OOP. Thank you again for reading and responding.

I am racing off to work - literally - and will address your response tomorrow.

You weren't stupid. You weren't stupid at all. You what you think is best at the time and then life pitches a curveball right at your head.

Let me address your situation (I'm also in NY) either later tonight or tomorrow.

Stay strong for your daughters.