Hello, everyone.
I would like to share my trouble.
I am currently having problems in relationship with my boyfriend whom I happened met during my study. Last year, I found out that I got pregnant from him. Everything was unplanned and I did not expect this to happened.

So I told him through text that I am carrying his child and ask for his opinion and wanted to discuss further about the matter. Unfortunately he was having exams (he is studying dentistry at the moment) and I told the news at inapproriate time. He was upset and thought that I lied about the pregnancy issue as a mean to get his attention. Then, he answered the text asking me to abort it as he isnt up to having children. I tried to contact him several time by calling, texting, and writing e-mail but no reply. he is unreachable.

I decided to keep my baby. So, I carry on and deal with the situation and move on by myself. I went through my pregnancy and delivery alone without emotional support from him. Now I am having a month old beautiful daughter. :)

I did not want to sounds to him like I am looking for financial support for my child and I did not intend to marry him as I can support myself and my baby.
So, I would like to ask, What is on his mind at the moment? how to get the father of my child talking to me again? What shall I do to make him care for his own child? Why he doesnt want to talk to me? Doesnt he want to see his own child? :confused:

I appreciate to get a view from all of you specially male who happen to read my question. thank you.

My feeling is that he does not want a commitment. He is equally responsible for this child, however my feeling is he is overwhelmed with this and does not want to take full responsibility. I feel he is showing you lack of respect. You are very courageous and brave to go through with it. There are some wonderful experts on this site and I am sure they will give you great advice. Don't lose faith, there is so much for you to look forward to - things will work out for the best.

Thank you Teaching for stopping by and answering my questions. I appreciate it so much.

Yes, I can take it if he can not afford to commit himself to me due to his backgrounds. I understand it all.

But what I don't understand is that Why did he always or keep asking me during our relationship about how many children I would like to have from him and whether I wish to be the motherof his children when the time come (?) if now he can not even face me or his own daughter or telling me a single word.. I mean at least 'congratulation'.

Reality is different in my experience. He isn't ready to be a dad is my guess.

He said all those things to you to keep you around and keep you interested so he could have a person to have sex with. The fact that he asked you to have it aborted shows you he doesn't respect you or your child.

The only thing you can do now is move forward and stay positive. Do things for you that you enjoy. You need to leave him in the past because that's where he belongs. You can't bring him with you anymore.

What was the nature of your relationship with him before the pregnancy occurred? Having a baby is not going to make his feelings for you change. It's true that he now has paternal rights and responsibilities but he'll see his relationship with his daughter (if he maintains one) as totally separate from his relationship with you. Many would say that you have an obligation to pursue child support and the law says that he's responsible for supporting his child. When push comes to shove, nobody can force you to pursue child support (unless you apply for public assistance) but it might be a way of getting him to have a relationship with his daughter. But don't expect your daughter to serve as a catalyst for getting the two of you back together again.

Zephyrus,
Have you not spoken to him at all? Does he know that you decided to keep your baby and that she's been born? When was the last time you spoke to him.
You can enforce child support if your in the US, but I'm not sure about other places.
I'm so sorry for your situation and don't really know what to say. It baffles me as to why some men behave this way toward their own flesh and blood.
I know this must be painful for you... You are a good woman to take on this whole responsibility by yourself. Do you have any help at all?
Kae

Zephyrus,
Have you not spoken to him at all? Does he know that you decided to keep your baby and that she's been born? When was the last time you spoke to him.
You can enforce child support if your in the US, but I'm not sure about other places.
I'm so sorry for your situation and don't really know what to say. It baffles me as to why some men behave this way toward their own flesh and blood.
I know this must be painful for you... You are a good woman to take on this whole responsibility by yourself. Do you have any help at all?
Kae


Dear Kae, thanks for your reply.
I haven't got the chance to meet him to discuss the whole matter with him since the beginning of my pregnancy. Even though I live in the same country (we are both foreign student) and only 2 hours away from each other but it seems there are no way of seeing him. The last time I saw him was April 12, 2006, that was the only and the last time we spent time together. I believed I haven't seen him in 11 months.

I guess he knew that I am keeping the child and he knew it well that he is having a daughter.

Painful, yes sure specially when I am dealing with the whole situation alone as I am not dare yet to tell my parents, I am ashamed to tell to my friends as well as my schoolmates. I did not know who to turn to to speak about this.
Painful for the fact my baby look alike 100 percent with her father, she took everything in him physically. When I look at her when my daughter sleeping, my tears running as I am unable to hold it.

But all in all, I did not feel sorry for what is happening as I love my daughter very very much and so glad that she come to my life.

What was the nature of your relationship with him before the pregnancy occurred? Having a baby is not going to make his feelings for you change. It's true that he now has paternal rights and responsibilities but he'll see his relationship with his daughter (if he maintains one) as totally separate from his relationship with you. Many would say that you have an obligation to pursue child support and the law says that he's responsible for supporting his child. When push comes to shove, nobody can force you to pursue child support (unless you apply for public assistance) but it might be a way of getting him to have a relationship with his daughter. But don't expect your daughter to serve as a catalyst for getting the two of you back together again.

Dear s_cianci,
I did not know how to explain the nature of my relationship with the father of the child. We are both a foreign student and living 2 hrs away from each other. Due to the study and giving each other space, we agreed to meet whenever time allow us. We have feeling for each other but if I analyze it now, I don't think it would not be appropriate to say here that we are deeply in love to each other. But we have enjoyed something together for almost four years.

I thought after we finish our study in the future, we will carry out the relationship to the next stage if possible but I was wrong and things did not go well between us as soon as I informed him about my pregnancy. All means of communication did not work and we stopped talking to each other.

As I mentioned before, I did not want financial suppory from him and I knew where I stand. What I wish now is that he is aware that he is having a daughter and I wish him to keep a close relationship with his daughter in the future. I am giving him a chance so that him and his daughter will be able to get to know each other as a father and a daughter.
This is my responsibility and my duty to my daughter as I did not want to be blame in the future for not opening the way for both of them. Here I wish I can serve as a mediator for my daughter to know her father and if possible in contact with him.

I would say maybe take a picture of the child and say what you just said that you did not plan this and even though you may not want to be in this young girl's life here is a picture because she will always be your daughter no matter what commitment you make to me or her. You are the father whether you like it or not

As much as it hurts, your only responsibility is to make sure you have a loving place to raise your daughter, for now let that be good enough and forget that bum for NOW.

I would say maybe take a picture of the child and say what you just said that you did not plan this and even though you may not want to be in this young girl's life here is a picture because she will always be your daughter no matter what commitment you make to me or her. You are the father whether you like it or not

:confused: I wish I could just stick the picture of my daughter on his face but unfortunately I did not know where he live and his address. I was thinking to find him at his university but is it appropriate to wait for him in front of the university?

As much as it hurts, your only responsibility is to make sure you have a loving place to raise your daughter, for now let that be good enough and forget that bum for NOW.
Yes, thank you for your post. My daughter is healty, fine and live now in a loving environment. I already said to myself that I didn't need him and I must move for the future.
I just want to keep the matter clear from now on as it will affect the future therefore I need to talk to him and sit down together so there won't be misunderstanding in the incoming years. I mean by this is that at what degree would he like to keep his relation to his daughter, what should his daughter knew about him in case she ask me when she grow up, etc,etc,etc
Am I right?

He has made his choices and no amount of pleading now will make him a better man or father and if his commitment to her is not honest and complete, his presence will do more harm than good in the long run. Let him come to you definitely as he should. Don't rush and put this loser in your daughters life. Give this a lot more time. See if this bum comes around on his own. There is no hurry.

Painful, yes sure specially when I am dealing with the whole situation alone as I am not dare yet to tell my parents, I am ashamed to tell to my friends as well as my schoolmates. I did not know who to turn to to speak about this.


Having no idea what culture your from, I don't see how you are going to hide this baby from family and friends. Nor should you, and I would think at least talking to your mother would be only logical. There has to be someone you trust who is close. Are you Asian?

Having no idea what culture your from, I don't see how you are going to hide this baby from family and friends. Nor should you, and I would think at least talking to your mother would be only logical. There has to be someone you trust who is close. Are you Asian?

Well, yes I am Asian while the father of the child is from middle east.
My parents did not know, the only people in the family that knew and taking care of me is one of my far uncle, a cousin of my mum.

Your baby will need a network of people to show her love and support to grow. Family would be my first choice. Just something to ponder. Whatever the culture, I can't imagine not wanting to see my grandkids bouncing on my belly, no matter how I may feel about the parents.

He said all those things to you to keep you around and keep you interested so he could have a person to have sex with. The fact that he asked you to have it aborted shows you he doesn't respect you or your child.

The only thing you can do now is move forward and stay positive. Do things for you that you enjoy. You need to leave him in the past because that's where he belongs. You can't bring him with you anymore.

I think you are right, he is using this trick to keep me around all this years. I was so stupid and blind that I did't see it coming. But why can't he just be honest?

Some men, no matter what culture, will say anything to have sex...

Telling your family is an important step you need to consider taking.

I'm unfamiliar with the middle east culture, but it could have a lot to do with his disinterest in his child and you. He may be scared of what his family will think also and may be trying to ignore it in an attempt to pretend it never happened. I'm just not sure.

I don't think it would be wise or healthy for you to stand outside his university your daughter to wait on him... Perhaps with out the baby, but definitely not with her.
You could write a letter like suggested and put a photo inside the envelope as well. Put everything you've explained to us in the letter, and how to get in touch with you if he ever decides he'd like to be apart of her life...

On the other hand, he's already shown himself to be untrustworthy... I feel so bad for you and the situation you're in, but I'm really thinking that your daughter (and you) are better off without this man...

Zephyrus, thank you for not aborting this innocent baby. Many in our culture today do away with babies for the sheer inconvenience and it's tragic. Unfortunately, you didn't pick a man to be the father of your child, you picked a boy, a selfish, immature one. The reason I say "picked" is because although you didn't plan on a pregnancy, you took the risk, not knowing him (if you don't even know where he lives, then you don't know him) and he was not man enough to take responsibility.

I know the shame you must feel with your family and friends, but please, go to them and ask for their help. Not financial, but emotional support for you and your beautiful baby girl. Since she has no father figure in her life, if you have anyone you love and trust, spend time with them and your child so she will have some sort of family structure. It will help both of you greatly. If your parents are living, go to them and tell them. I know you said you are a foreign exchange student, but find a way to go to them and tell them. It may be unacceptable in your culture, but no matter how upset your parents get, they still love you and will love your child. Your daughter needs that.

As for this guy, go to the university (not alone if you can help it) and find him through the administration office, give them his name. If he refuses to talk to you, than do what you must. Go see a lawyer to get his paternity rights taken away so he can't come into your life 5 years from now, married, and trying to take your child away from you. Chances are, if he was selfish enough to turn away from you, than he will gladly sign away anything that makes him responsible for this child. One day, maybe many many years from now, he will regret it. He's not this child's father, father's don't turn their backs on their children because they are inconvenient. Her father will be the man you marry and the man that wants to adopt her and raise her with you as his own child. A father is much more than blood, it is actions, a father is love and devotion. Pick wisely.

Zephyrus, thank you for not aborting this innocent baby. Many in our culture today do away with babies for the sheer inconvenience and it's tragic. Unfortunately, you didn't pick a man to be the father of your child, you picked a boy, a selfish, immature one. The reason I say "picked" is because although you didn't plan on a pregnancy, you took the risk, not knowing him (if you don't even know where he lives, then you don't know him) and he was not man enough to take responsibility.

I know the shame you must feel with your family and friends, but please, go to them and ask for their help. Not financial, but emotional support for you and your beautiful baby girl. Since she has no father figure in her life, if you have anyone you love and trust, spend time with them and your child so she will have some sort of family structure. It will help both of you greatly. If your parents are living, go to them and tell them. I know you said you are a foreign exchange student, but find a way to go to them and tell them. It may be unacceptable in your culture, but no matter how upset your parents get, they still love you and will love your child. Your daughter needs that.

As for this guy, go to the university (not alone if you can help it) and find him through the administration office, give them his name. If he refuses to talk to you, than do what you must. Go see a lawyer to get his paternity rights taken away so he can't come into your life 5 years from now, married, and trying to take your child away from you. Chances are, if he was selfish enough to turn away from you, than he will gladly sign away anything that makes him responsible for this child. One day, maybe many many years from now, he will regret it. He's not this child's father, father's don't turn their backs on their children because they are inconvenient. Her father will be the man you marry and the man that wants to adopt her and raise her with you as his own child. A father is much more than blood, it is actions, a father is love and devotion. Pick wisely.


Hello, I really appreciate your ideas and comments in regards to my problems. I also thank everyone for your concerns and useful feedback. Now I can have better picture.

I was thinking to make a half day trip to go to his university sometime next week (of course alone without bringing my daughter) and drop my letter containing the picture of my daughter. Then I'll return to the city where I am studying and wait for him to pick it up and read them. What do you think? As I did not want to involve yet the university to drag him out.

Shall I include in the letter that if he did not to be apart of our child, then he must write a declaration that he is giving up all his rights and responsibility in the future with the assistance from his lawyer. What do you think? Or shall I go to my lawyer and ask my lawyer to draft them for me? Which one is better to do?

By the way, TODAY, I received sms from him and he asked me "where is the baby and whether I am bringing the baby to live with me in Europe"
Should I reply the sms or no? If yes, what shall I write on the sms?

Again, everyone thanks a lot.

If you have made your mind up that you wish for him to sign over his rights, then I wouldn't go the his university for any reason...
You should have your lawyer draw up the papers...
Is this what you've decided to do?
Or do you have hopes for him to be apart of your child's life?

This has turned into a bit of a sticky situation. You are both from different countries and had a child in neither country that your from...
I don't know your culture, nor his... But I do know mine, and I wouldn't risk for one second that my baby's father from another country could come and take my child away from me and out of the country without me being able to do anything about it. If it were me, I would definitely have him sign his rights away and be done with him...
But this isn't me or my culture... It's yours... You have to make a safe decision on what to do that's best for you and your daughter.
This is a BIG problem you have, and I think you should consult a lawyer at this stage... Something legal needs to be put on paper whether it be full custody to you or the father signing over his rights, I believe the best thing for you to do is speak to a lawyer...

This man is not wanting any responsibility and thinks he can just act like it never happened. Why are you not making him accept some of the financial responsibilities? It does not matter if you can do it on your own there may be a time when you can't pay bills. This man needs to be forced to grow up think about what I am about to say... What about when your child gets older in life? Your child is going to try to find him and your child could in the long run be emotionally hurt and scarred that the father couldn't even help support them. Your child will turn into a young adult and most likely go look for him with or without your knowledge of it. Make him accept is part of it!

This man is not wanting any responsibilty and thinks he can just act like it never happened. Why are you not making him accept some of the finacial responsibilites?. It does not matter if you can do it on your own there may be a time when you can't pay bills. This man needs to be forced to grow up think about what i am about to say...What about when your child gets older in life? your child is going to try to find him and your child could in the long run be emotionally hurt and scarred that the father couldn't even help support them. your child will turn into a young adult and most likely go look for him with or without your knowledge of it. Make him accept is part of it!

Hello, thanks for posting.
From where shall I start to force him if I am not sure whether he still live in the same city or still studying at university. I tried to write emails and sms but no reply. I called but he didn't pick up the phone.

I know that one day in the future there are chances that my daughter will look for him but I guess he didn't think the same way as I do now. If he want to walk away now and didn't want to take any responsibilities then better finish and deal with our problem now rather than later after our daughter grow up and after he marry and having children with his future wife, isn't? But he didn't have the initiative to talk to me. What can I do to make him start the talking? :confused:

Back off all this for now, please and do not contact him. Until he contacts you leave him alone as I would not trust him or his motivations. Consult with your own lawyer to be informed of your rights and his before you take any actions what so ever. Till you know better where he is coming from protect your child and educate yourself of the cultural differences between you. His actions are not trustworthy so don't trust him, not even for old times sake.

If you have made your mind up that you wish for him to sign over his rights, then I wouldn't go the his university for any reason...
You should have your lawyer draw up the papers...
Is this what you've decided to do?
Or do you have hopes for him to be apart of your child's life?

This has turned into a bit of a sticky situation. You are both from different countries and had a child in neither country that your from...
I don't know your culture, nor his... But I do know mine, and I wouldn't risk for one second that my baby's father from another country could come and take my child away from me and out of the country without me being able to do anything about it. If it were me, I would definitely have him sign his rights away and be done with him...
But this isn't me or my culture...It's yours...You have to make a safe decision on what to do thats best for you and your daughter.
This is a BIG problem you have, and I think you should consult a lawyer at this stage... Something legal needs to be put on paper whether it be full custody to you or the father signing over his rights, I believe the best thing for you to do is speak to a lawyer...

Luckily, my daughter is currently living in my home country in a safe place with my uncle and his wife. After 2 weeks of her birth I returned to Europe alone and continue my study as my life. I'll try to get feedback from my lawyer back home. Thanks.:)

Back off of all this for now, please and do not contact him. Until he contacts you leave him alone as I would not trust him or his motivations. Consult with your own lawyer to be informed of your rights and his before you take any actions what so ever. Till you know better where he is coming from protect your child and educate yourself of the cultural differences between you. His actions are not trustworthy so don't trust him, not even for old times sake.

Thank you talaniman for your postings.
For your information, he is Kuwaiti
So, anyone here having a clue on what he might do? :confused:

There's no telling what he might do, any thing is possible. Don't respond to any of his calls, emails, texts or whatever. Speak to a trusted attorney right away. You don't want to give this guy the opportunity to take your child, even if she's in another country, he may get aggressive. If he's serious about his interest in the baby, let him do the work and come to you. He ignored you all this time, never gave or offered you a dime and now he nonchalantly wants to know where she is or if you're taking her? Please see an attorney quickly.

Back off of all this for now, please and do not contact him. Until he contacts you leave him alone as I would not trust him or his motivations. Consult with your own lawyer to be informed of your rights and his before you take any actions what so ever. Till you know better where he is coming from protect your child and educate yourself of the cultural differences between you. His actions are not trustworthy so don't trust him, not even for old times sake.

Here is the facts...
In my home country there are possibilities for him claiming the child as long as he demands the DNA tests to prove his fatherhood. So he can have reasons to take away the child with no difficulties. Surely he can get this done. Even he never play any role during the pregnancy and delivery, he is having full rights over the child.

here is the facts...
In my home country there are possibilities for him claiming the child as long as he demands the DNA tests to prove his fatherhood. So he can have reasons to take away the child with no difficulties. Surely he can get this done. Even he never play any role during the pregnancy and delivery, he is having full rights over the child.
This is why it is SO important for you to ignore this man. Do not respond to him, do not try to contact him, nothing... Contact your lawyer, not him. Don't send him a pic, don't write him a letter...
You can see that this forums concerns about the appropriate steps for you to take have changed, and for good reason too. They have changed for your safety and for your child's safety.
Please learn more about his country and the culture... Learn more about his rights - learn more about his right to request a DNA. That could be the whole reason he wants to know where your baby is... So for that matter, DON'T UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TELL HIM WHERE YOUR BABY IS...



What can I do to make him start the talking?

You don't want him to start talking.
Us women get all emotional and want to start talking after we've had a child... especially to the father of our baby... But your situation is very very different now. You don't want him to talk... Do you understand what we're trying to tell you here? Do you understand the potential danger??

I'm very happy that your baby is being well cared for... Now it's your responsibility to keep it that way...
Consult your laywer... The benefits of him being apart of your daughters life is NOT outweighing the risks... Please remember that as you try to do this without him.
I wish you the best,

Kae

I agree with a lot of the replys that you got back... leave him in the past... if he has'nt contacted you then that is his problem... sounds like a chump to me and doesn't deserve a picture. If he cared at all he would have been there at some point... leave him in the past; I am sure there is someone specail out there waiting for you and your baby girl to cross his path.