Hey girls,

This is my first post on this site and I am just looking for other people's opinion on a situation that I put myself into and handled like … I could - I might have over thought the whole thing but I guess I couldn't let it go. Anyway here it is:
I originally only wanted my sister as maid of honor and no bridesmaid in my wedding. But my sister is in a different country and even though, I know I could do without someone here (just because I have great friends and they would be there for me and even organize a bachelorette party without being my bridesmaids), I kind of wanted to put someone in charge so that I could give the credit to someone.
So I decided to have one bridesmaid in addition to my sister. Last week, I asked one of my close friends and she said yes, we talked for an hour about the dress etc and she mentioned to me that she was trying to get pregnant. At first I didn’t think anything of it so I said it was fine, it honestly didn’t bother me.
During the week I thought about it more after talking to my fiancé and my sister, and I started thinking that it might be a problem if she got pregnant. Not so much for the dress or looks but more for the responsibilities that being a bridesmaid entails. If I had more than one, I wouldn’t be worried but since we decided to have a small wedding party and I only have one bridesmaid here…; I don’t want it to be a burden for her and I know that I would feel uncomfortable asking her to come to fittings or be in charge of organizing stuff if her pregnancy is already tiring her etc... I just want to know that my bridesmaid is going to be available if I need her help and I don’t want it to be overwhelming for her either. I was in charge of organizing a bachelorette party once and I know it’s not a piece of cake when you have to coordinate with everybody.
Anyway, I talked to her and told her what was on my mind. She was shocked at first but she saw my point and told me that I should ask another friend. I feel so bad for doing that but I was thinking about both our interests and I also didn’t want this to affect our relationship down the road. She mentioned to me that she had told her husband that I would call back and tell her that the pregnancy would be a problem (although she thought it would be a problem for the appearance and not for my reasons) and he replied that I would never do that because it is rude and you can’t unask someone after you asked them to be a bridesmaid…
What do you guys think? Do you think I should have sucked it up and taken the chance (maybe she won’t get pregnant, who knows…) or did I do the right thing? And was it really rude or can you unask someone under certain circumstances?
Sorry for the long post and thank you for your answers

I don't think you were rude at all. You were honest. I wonder if she even knew of all the responsibilities that were required of her. I say this because I honestly wouldn't have known. Her reaction takes me aback a bit. She may be over sensitive, so maybe she is already pregnant and hormonal. Maybe she wasn't being oversensitive, just blurts out whatever her husband tells her. Your call I suppose. I wouldn't feel badly though, as your heart was in the right place and you CANNOT in any instance, control someone else's reaction. I hope this is the only drama you encounter in our wedding. I hope it is smashing!

I don't think you were rude at all. You were honest. I wonder if she even knew of all the responsibilities that were required of her. I say this because I honestly wouldn't have known. Her reaction takes me aback a bit. She may be over sensitive, so maybe she is already pregnant and hormonal. Maybe she wasn't being oversensitive, just blurts out whatever her husband tells her. Your call I suppose. I wouldn't feel badly though, as your heart was in the right place and you CANNOT in any instance, control someone elses reaction. I hope this is the only drama you encounter in our wedding. I hope it is smashing!!

Thank you sexy beast for your reply. I am so glad someone else feels that way and understands my decision to talk to her before it was too late...
I think she was taken aback at first and maybe that is why she said what her husband had said - but I think she will understand eventually.. when she gets pregnant, hopefully as soon as she wishes.
Thank you again :)

You are welcome. I am sure you are going to be a beautiful bride.

You are welcome. I am sure you are going to be a beautiful bride.
Thank you :)

I think maybe if she can not be a bridemaid maybe to make her feel a little better or involved in the wedding more if you still want her to, and so she doesn't feel left out per say maybe find a small task or soemthing else that would not overwhelm her or make her feel tired if and when she becomes preganant, but let her know you were on ly concerned about her well being while being preganant.

That is what I would do.

Wow thaat is a tough one. I'm getting married and I would be a little disapointed if my maid of honour got pregnant but I think she would still do everything she would have done before, but maybe asked other people for a little help. Being pregnant is not an illness. She would still be able to arrange things. I think you jumped the gun a little. Maybe you should have said that if she got pregnant you would understand her having to drop out. However, the dress could actually be a problem I guess, how pregnant would she be?

Wow thaat is a tough one. I'm getting married and I would be a little disapointed if my maid of honour got pregnant but I think she would still do everything she would have done before, but maybe asked other people for a little help. Being pregnant is not an illness. She would still be able to arrange things. I think you jumped the gun a little. Maybe you should have said that if she got pregnant you would understand her having to drop out. However, the dress could actually be a problem I guess, how pregnant would she be?
Here is the thing, she is not pregnant yet but trying. I was not so worried about the dress as you can always wait until close to the wedding to alter it. My concern was more on her having to go through pregnancy (and since it would be her first one, nobody knows how she would feel) and manage the responsibility of a bridesmaid/maid of honor in addition to work etc… I actually just found out that they are moving this summer as well so, that would be one more thing she would have to deal with – and having been there, I know that if you want to organize something nice for the bride (and I know she would) it takes some time and effort (also to coordinate with everybody and people you don’t necessarily know but are friends with her etc…).
You said: ” Maybe you should have said that if she got pregnant you would understand her having to drop out” – my idea was actually to avoid that situation where she would feel like she’s letting me down (since she is my only bridesmaid locally) and then I would have to find someone else who might not like the fact that she is the “back-up”… So I decided to talk to her as soon as I started thinking it could be a problem, which was a week after asking her.

But your next person is still going to be a back up. Lol. I really wouldn't worry about it now hun. You can't take it back and I'm sure your friend will understand you just want your day to be perfect. She will have plenty to worry about anyway, so she will have totally forgotten about it by the wedding. Where are you from by the way, and which type of wedding are you having?

Well I can see it both ways... If I were asked to be a bridesmaid then asked to NOT be a bridesmaid... well I wouldn't be too thrilled, probably very hurt. But then I see where you are coming from too and I understand. Like someone said before, pregnancy is not an illness. Women do go about their normal everyday activities troughout the pregnancy. Also you did not say when your wedding is? If she got pregnant now would she be far along enough to be showing? Or close to her due date? Or would she still be in early pregnancy? Also most couples do not get pregnant right away, every couple has a 25% chance getting pregnant every month, so what if she doesn't get pregnant till after the wedding? Moving is not that big of a deal, but I do agree, it is stressful and a major pain in the butt. I have done it seven times and it is not fun, but not hard. I see why you did it, but you should have waited to see if she even gets pregnant right away. Like someone also said before you should have waited till after she got pregnant and said "I would understand if you wanted to not do this" but then I probably would have done the samething you did too... So if I were in your shoes, I Would probably do the samething you did, looking out for your friends wellbeing. If I were in your friends shoes, I would be upset, but get over it realizing it was only for my wellbeing. Goodluck and I hope you have a beautiful wedding.

I think you were wrong - sorry. It is very common for someone in a bridal party to be pregnant because, well, you're all at the age where you are getting married and getting pregnant. It is presumptuous to think that because they are in your wedding they will be doing anything more than particpating in the wedding events - they are not obliged to plan your bachelorette party or anything of the kind.

I think the mistake you made was asking someone to fulfill a position of honor for the wrong reasons. Your intention wasn't to honor her, but rather to appoint her to the job of planning additional celebrations in your own honor. Kind of backwards.

Apologize to your friend. Your wedding is not more important than her desire for a child or her feelings.

This is not even a certainty. It could take her a long time to get pregnant, and even if she is showing at the time of your wedding, pregnancy is not a disability. Other friends could plan the bachelorette party if necessary - you've said they would be happy to. And what planning is required anyway? Hire a car so you aren't driving drunk, meet up at someone's house and head out.

Personally I think that bachelor and bachelorette parties (closely followed by the groom retrieving the garter with his teeth in front of the bride's father and grandparents and family friends, etc.) are among the most tacky things that people do related to weddings. An engagement party where people don't temporarily turn themselves into the village idiot would be a lot more classy, and would not run the same risks of starting the marriage with a cloud of suspicion over who did what at these stupid, drunken festivals of fools.