chiquita83
May 25, 2012, 09:27 AM
Hi, this is my first time posting on this forum. I feel completely lost and in need of some direction and/or feedback.
It has been almost a week since by boyfriend of over 8 years broke up with me. I am in a great deal of pain, and miss him terribly. We moved in together about 6 months ago, and everything was going well (at least, I thought so). We had random discussions, but communicated throughout and never went to bed angry.
About 1.5 years into the relationship, he broke up with me over the phone. At the time, he expressed that he felt anxiety and stress because of "obligations" he felt placed upon him by our relationship. Mainly, he did not like to feel obligated to call me on weeknights and to spend his weekends with me. We were living in separate states, so our relationship consisted of spending weekends together. When he told me he didn't see the need to talk to me on weeknights because he didn't have much to say, or that he would rather go into the office or take care of "his stuff" on the weekend, rather than see me, I would feel rejected and hurt, and feel angry. Our fights would then leave him feeling anxious and stressed. So he broke up with me over the phone. I was destroyed. I prayed every day that if he ever came back, it would be to stay forever. I asked God that if he was not meant to be, then he should stay away and not cause me any more pain.
About a month later, he resumed contact. I was elated, but wary of getting close again. He wooed me and convinced me to give it another shot. Since then, our relationship had highs and lows. At first, I didn't allow myself to get too close for fear of getting hurt. He apologized and said he had done things he wasn't proud of, but that it was in the past. We cared for each other so much and our love was real. We were still living in separate states, and I would be the one who would come see him almost every weekend, because he didn't like to come to the city to see me. Also, when he would come down, he would leave sooner than what I wanted him to, so I got used to going up there and leaving when I wanted to (even though he would take breaks to go to the office or do work during that time, which I was okay with).
At times, about every 6-8 months or so, he would get very serious and tell me that he had anxiety about his life and general dissatisfaction. He felt unhappy about friends, his job, and felt "something was missing" from our relationship. All of his friends and family often spoke to him about having a "glass half-empty" view of life, and instead to focus on the many blessings he had. His work consumed his time, and brought him a lot of stress. He is a perfectionist who has trouble making decisions, because he fears making the wrong one. Sometimes, he will delay and ponder possibilities, paralyzed because he fears making a mistake. I had always told him that life and people are not perfect, and that we make decisions and learn from our mistakes. That not one road is the BEST, but that there are many roads and many outcomes. I spoke to him about letting go of the unhappiness within, to seek help, to not miss out on all the good things he had because he was seeking perfection - which is unattainable.
The last time he had "doubts," it was about a year ago. He said he needed to go on a trip to clear his mind. I made it clear that I loved him, but that he needed to figure things out and that I would not wait for him. He came back saying he wanted to move in together and "see how things went." That he was really happy and excited about a lot of things in our relationship, but that some things he didn't like and made him feel anxious. As an aside, when we spoke about moving in together, he made it clear that he didn't want to find a place in the city, even though I worked there, because it would be "too inconvenient" for him to be far away from the office and the commute would be too long. So I packed up and moved out of my state, and close to his work. He had a 20 minute commute, and I take the commuter train to the city, 50 minutes each way. He said he really appreciated me doing that for him, and I did it out of love, but also know that if I hadn't made the move, he would not have moved to the city with me.
About a month or so after moving in, he told me again, that he was having doubts. I asked him what was wrong. He said, among other things, that he felt were incompatible because "things were not simple." I asked him for more details. He said that he didn't like the fact that I do not know how to drive. I was dumbstruck. I reminded him that I would be taking lessons soon, once the temperature got milder. I told him that he needed to stop being a perfectionist and looking for faults and that our love was strong and that he was losing out on so many things because of his fixation on perfection. That for every fight we had, we had hundreds of beautiful, happy, loving moments. That if he didn't realize that, he would always feel doubts about us because it didn't feel perfect, but that nothing would ever feel perfect. People aren't perfect. Relationships aren't breezy and simple and perfect. This is life.
Every single time we had these conversations, my stomach twisted into knots, reminded of our breakup. I couldn't believe that someone would throw "us" away, and I was optimistic.
A few months later, we bought an engagement ring. He seemed happy, was romantic, affectionate. Our home was so warm and full of love. Our friends would comment on what a great influence I had on his life, and how much he'd grown and changed because of me. They said I was great for him. Upon hearing of our engagement plans, one of his closest friends told him that I was a grand-slam, would make a wonderful wife, and that we'd have a fantastic life together. This is a direct quote from an email. I was blissfully happy, and felt like finally, he was putting our love on top. We planned to get engaged during a trip to Italy. Two weeks before - it happened again. The anxiety. I asked him to think carefully, because we could work it out. I told him again that he needed to evaluate things. He had just come back from a Zen retreat, where he told me "everyone was dissatisfied with life." I thought (and said) that it was a shame that these people focused on that, instead of focusing on all of the things they DO have. I realized that he had meditated on the things that were missing or dissatisfied him.
We went to a couples therapist. She said we could work things out, and that we were strong, and that we had all of the raw materials to come out stronger in the end. He said he wanted to make it work. We went to Italy. Had a beautiful time. Our last night, I asked him when we should schedule our next therapy and he grew very quiet. He said he'd rather speak at home, but I said I needed to talk now. He said he thought we were not right for each other, that he needed space to figure out whether we were making a mistake by giving up on "us" - but that he needed time on his own. He said he would leave our home and move to a hotel. You can imagine how utterly devastated I was, and I wept the entire trip back to the US. That night, he moved all of his things into our guest bedroom. The next day, he packed up, and left. He was so cold. He was another person. He hugged me and said we should speak in a few weeks, to see where we are. I said I was confused, because he was asking for space, and that I didn't know whether this was permanent or a break. He said he needed to treat it as a permanent thing to really think it through. Then he said he still wanted to talk to me and see me, because "we are mature adults who care about each other" and that he wanted me to know he wasn't doing this because he didn't love me or care about me deeply. I again said I was confused because he was making it sound like a break - if he wanted space alone, why would he want to keep in touch? He said he wanted to see if it was possible, because otherwise, he would miss me too much.
So he left. And then yesterday, he emailed me from his work email, about stopping by to pick up clothes and said that he hoped my week was going okay. UH, NO IT IS NOT OKAY. He also informed that he would be going to a birthday party with some friends to see a show, and that he remembered I'd seen it, and asked whether it was good. I was so thrown by how casual and cold he was. I didn't know why he was reestablishing contact. I responded very formally, asking him to please advise when he would be stopping by. He responded in the same way - no emotion, just matter of fact.
At this point, I have no hope that things will ever work out between us. It has been 8 years. We loved and respected each other. I believe he is disconnected and does not feel anything for me. He said we were going to talk in a few weeks, but I am certain that the talk will consist of him informing me he is moving out. I am haunted by our home because it has our pictures and things, and I really want to leave before I have to deal with him packing up boxes and moving out. I don't want to see that. I feel like he has thrown "us" away - for no real reason. He said that if it's meant to be, then it's meant to be. He also said we could still go out to the movies, dinner, take classes together -- because he would miss me too much if I were out of his life. I think he is being selfish, because he does not want to face his fear of commitment, but he also does not want to lose me. I firmly believe he will regret this at some point, but by then it may be too late for us.
My friends urge me to ignore him completely, to let him realize his mistake. To move out. To move on.
I keep waiting for him to come back and tell me he is being a fool, but realize that this may never happen. I cannot make him see the things I see and everyone in our lives see -- he has to WANT to see them for himself. And I can't help him do that. I do know that if he doesn't not stop focusing on work and on perfection, life will pass him by and he will miss out on love and real friendship. I love him so so much, we were going to get married, and now I feel like this enormous wall is between us and I am helpless to do anything about it. I feel anger because I think he is being very selfish and has been very selfish throughout our relationship. I have spent many years loving him, from age 21 to 29. How do I move forward? How can I just give up on "us"? Am I too blinded by love?
It has been almost a week since by boyfriend of over 8 years broke up with me. I am in a great deal of pain, and miss him terribly. We moved in together about 6 months ago, and everything was going well (at least, I thought so). We had random discussions, but communicated throughout and never went to bed angry.
About 1.5 years into the relationship, he broke up with me over the phone. At the time, he expressed that he felt anxiety and stress because of "obligations" he felt placed upon him by our relationship. Mainly, he did not like to feel obligated to call me on weeknights and to spend his weekends with me. We were living in separate states, so our relationship consisted of spending weekends together. When he told me he didn't see the need to talk to me on weeknights because he didn't have much to say, or that he would rather go into the office or take care of "his stuff" on the weekend, rather than see me, I would feel rejected and hurt, and feel angry. Our fights would then leave him feeling anxious and stressed. So he broke up with me over the phone. I was destroyed. I prayed every day that if he ever came back, it would be to stay forever. I asked God that if he was not meant to be, then he should stay away and not cause me any more pain.
About a month later, he resumed contact. I was elated, but wary of getting close again. He wooed me and convinced me to give it another shot. Since then, our relationship had highs and lows. At first, I didn't allow myself to get too close for fear of getting hurt. He apologized and said he had done things he wasn't proud of, but that it was in the past. We cared for each other so much and our love was real. We were still living in separate states, and I would be the one who would come see him almost every weekend, because he didn't like to come to the city to see me. Also, when he would come down, he would leave sooner than what I wanted him to, so I got used to going up there and leaving when I wanted to (even though he would take breaks to go to the office or do work during that time, which I was okay with).
At times, about every 6-8 months or so, he would get very serious and tell me that he had anxiety about his life and general dissatisfaction. He felt unhappy about friends, his job, and felt "something was missing" from our relationship. All of his friends and family often spoke to him about having a "glass half-empty" view of life, and instead to focus on the many blessings he had. His work consumed his time, and brought him a lot of stress. He is a perfectionist who has trouble making decisions, because he fears making the wrong one. Sometimes, he will delay and ponder possibilities, paralyzed because he fears making a mistake. I had always told him that life and people are not perfect, and that we make decisions and learn from our mistakes. That not one road is the BEST, but that there are many roads and many outcomes. I spoke to him about letting go of the unhappiness within, to seek help, to not miss out on all the good things he had because he was seeking perfection - which is unattainable.
The last time he had "doubts," it was about a year ago. He said he needed to go on a trip to clear his mind. I made it clear that I loved him, but that he needed to figure things out and that I would not wait for him. He came back saying he wanted to move in together and "see how things went." That he was really happy and excited about a lot of things in our relationship, but that some things he didn't like and made him feel anxious. As an aside, when we spoke about moving in together, he made it clear that he didn't want to find a place in the city, even though I worked there, because it would be "too inconvenient" for him to be far away from the office and the commute would be too long. So I packed up and moved out of my state, and close to his work. He had a 20 minute commute, and I take the commuter train to the city, 50 minutes each way. He said he really appreciated me doing that for him, and I did it out of love, but also know that if I hadn't made the move, he would not have moved to the city with me.
About a month or so after moving in, he told me again, that he was having doubts. I asked him what was wrong. He said, among other things, that he felt were incompatible because "things were not simple." I asked him for more details. He said that he didn't like the fact that I do not know how to drive. I was dumbstruck. I reminded him that I would be taking lessons soon, once the temperature got milder. I told him that he needed to stop being a perfectionist and looking for faults and that our love was strong and that he was losing out on so many things because of his fixation on perfection. That for every fight we had, we had hundreds of beautiful, happy, loving moments. That if he didn't realize that, he would always feel doubts about us because it didn't feel perfect, but that nothing would ever feel perfect. People aren't perfect. Relationships aren't breezy and simple and perfect. This is life.
Every single time we had these conversations, my stomach twisted into knots, reminded of our breakup. I couldn't believe that someone would throw "us" away, and I was optimistic.
A few months later, we bought an engagement ring. He seemed happy, was romantic, affectionate. Our home was so warm and full of love. Our friends would comment on what a great influence I had on his life, and how much he'd grown and changed because of me. They said I was great for him. Upon hearing of our engagement plans, one of his closest friends told him that I was a grand-slam, would make a wonderful wife, and that we'd have a fantastic life together. This is a direct quote from an email. I was blissfully happy, and felt like finally, he was putting our love on top. We planned to get engaged during a trip to Italy. Two weeks before - it happened again. The anxiety. I asked him to think carefully, because we could work it out. I told him again that he needed to evaluate things. He had just come back from a Zen retreat, where he told me "everyone was dissatisfied with life." I thought (and said) that it was a shame that these people focused on that, instead of focusing on all of the things they DO have. I realized that he had meditated on the things that were missing or dissatisfied him.
We went to a couples therapist. She said we could work things out, and that we were strong, and that we had all of the raw materials to come out stronger in the end. He said he wanted to make it work. We went to Italy. Had a beautiful time. Our last night, I asked him when we should schedule our next therapy and he grew very quiet. He said he'd rather speak at home, but I said I needed to talk now. He said he thought we were not right for each other, that he needed space to figure out whether we were making a mistake by giving up on "us" - but that he needed time on his own. He said he would leave our home and move to a hotel. You can imagine how utterly devastated I was, and I wept the entire trip back to the US. That night, he moved all of his things into our guest bedroom. The next day, he packed up, and left. He was so cold. He was another person. He hugged me and said we should speak in a few weeks, to see where we are. I said I was confused, because he was asking for space, and that I didn't know whether this was permanent or a break. He said he needed to treat it as a permanent thing to really think it through. Then he said he still wanted to talk to me and see me, because "we are mature adults who care about each other" and that he wanted me to know he wasn't doing this because he didn't love me or care about me deeply. I again said I was confused because he was making it sound like a break - if he wanted space alone, why would he want to keep in touch? He said he wanted to see if it was possible, because otherwise, he would miss me too much.
So he left. And then yesterday, he emailed me from his work email, about stopping by to pick up clothes and said that he hoped my week was going okay. UH, NO IT IS NOT OKAY. He also informed that he would be going to a birthday party with some friends to see a show, and that he remembered I'd seen it, and asked whether it was good. I was so thrown by how casual and cold he was. I didn't know why he was reestablishing contact. I responded very formally, asking him to please advise when he would be stopping by. He responded in the same way - no emotion, just matter of fact.
At this point, I have no hope that things will ever work out between us. It has been 8 years. We loved and respected each other. I believe he is disconnected and does not feel anything for me. He said we were going to talk in a few weeks, but I am certain that the talk will consist of him informing me he is moving out. I am haunted by our home because it has our pictures and things, and I really want to leave before I have to deal with him packing up boxes and moving out. I don't want to see that. I feel like he has thrown "us" away - for no real reason. He said that if it's meant to be, then it's meant to be. He also said we could still go out to the movies, dinner, take classes together -- because he would miss me too much if I were out of his life. I think he is being selfish, because he does not want to face his fear of commitment, but he also does not want to lose me. I firmly believe he will regret this at some point, but by then it may be too late for us.
My friends urge me to ignore him completely, to let him realize his mistake. To move out. To move on.
I keep waiting for him to come back and tell me he is being a fool, but realize that this may never happen. I cannot make him see the things I see and everyone in our lives see -- he has to WANT to see them for himself. And I can't help him do that. I do know that if he doesn't not stop focusing on work and on perfection, life will pass him by and he will miss out on love and real friendship. I love him so so much, we were going to get married, and now I feel like this enormous wall is between us and I am helpless to do anything about it. I feel anger because I think he is being very selfish and has been very selfish throughout our relationship. I have spent many years loving him, from age 21 to 29. How do I move forward? How can I just give up on "us"? Am I too blinded by love?