This is going to be quite long and some of it may bore you but it's all relevant to explain my current problem that I really need advice on.

I discovered that I was pregnant, at first I was very unsure what to do about it. We confided in my mother and father in law about it, they supported us throughout our deliberations. I did not confide in my mum because I was sure she would be angry and not supportive.
We decided to keep the baby and he now a happy 1 year old.
The main issue at the moment is my father in law, he is my partners step dad of 20 years.
I have never got on with this man, he's "old school" whatever that is supposed to mean. His beliefs are traditional, a woman's place is in the home. Women in his eyes should cook, clean, serve their husband and generally keep their opinions to themselves and keep quiet. A woman who does not cook is one not worth anything.
Me being an enlightened 21st century woman studying for a career in law, I do not believe it is my job to take care of my partner. After all he has arms and legs, he is capable of getting off his bum and doing things for himself. But he is entitled to his opinion and to live his life the way he wants. If him and his wife are happy in these roles them that is their business and not for me to comment on and tell them to do things differently.
His wife is a lovely caring woman, albeit too caring sometimes to the point where it becomes intrusive. According to my partner she used to be carefree, she used to go out with friends, go shopping, have friends round and just generally have a life. She used to be very lively and bubbly. Things all changed when she married her husband, my partners step dad.
When he came into my partners life taking over the role of "dad" he naturally rebelled and made life difficult for both of them. Over time my partner accepted his new step dad and that he was a part of his life because he was a part of his mums life. He never really liked him but appreciated him providing for him like a real dad.
He is a very controlling man, my partner has told me of several incidents in his childhood where his step dad forced his authority. One incident occurred when my partner was 12 years old, he asked his step dad if he could have 50p for a book from his school book club. His step dad told him "you can have the 50p but we won't take you on holiday, choose" so my partner stood up to him and said that he would rather have the book. His step dad grounded him and gave him the silent treatment for 3 weeks until he made my partner say he acted the way he did because he missed his real dad!
Another example being where my partner came home from his part time job to find all his clothes in black bags sat on the front drive. He had decided to kick him out of the house at 16 years old with no prior warning or explanation. He had no place to stay and ended up sleeping on a friends sofa for a week until he found live in accommodation at his employment. My partners mum never said a word, nor raised an objection. We still don't know to this day why she didn't speak up. If my partner one day decided to kick my 16 year old son I would turn around and say "no you leave".
For these reasons I have always been very reluctant for my son to spend time with this man, after all really he isn't my sons "granddad".
Whilst I have been reluctant to allow him contact I have continued to allow it for my mother in laws sake, because she has very poor health. She thought she would die without ever having grandchildren.
My father in law has very strong opinions and views, when I disagree with one of his opinions, rather than let him force his opinion onto me I tell him I don't agree and explain why I don't agree but say that I understand his point of view. He will always talk over me and totally dismiss my opinion as utter rubbish without even really listening. He does this with every one. It makes me so angry but I try my best to bite my tongue and ignore his arrogance.
It has all come to a head and got to a point where I can no longer bite my tongue. He one day told me to "be quite young lady" and I saw red and just basically had enough of being spoken to like I'm nothing but a bit of dirt.
My partner had a quiet word with him about the way he continues to speak to me, his reply was that "it's in her head, she's just overly sensitive".
Since that time I have not had contact with my father in law, figuring if I don't see him then he doesn't have the opportunity to belittle me and talk down to me. I said that I wanted an apology for the nasty way he continues to speak to me and for him to speak to me decently in the future. He refused point blank. I will add that while I cut contact To a bare minimum. I still allowed him to see my son as often as possible.
We moved to temporary accommodation 10 miles away from the in laws, we haven't got our own transport and buses are very expensive to keep taking. So in the last 6 weeks they have only seen my son on maybe 4 occasions. While I agree this is not enough, coming to visit them is very difficult and expensive at the moment. When we are in closer permanent accommodation, visits will become easier and more regular again.
The in laws started to complain to us saying they were concerned about the amount they were seeing my son. Suggesting that I was deliberately trying to stop them seeing him because of the situation with my father in law.
I wrote them an email being as nice as I could explaining my thoughts and feeling that while it's no secret I do not get on with my father in law, living 10 miles away makes it more difficult for them to have regular contact with my son. But when we are in more permanent closer accommodation then visits would again increase.
My father in law sent me a reply, the nastiest email I have ever read in my life.he mentioned irrelevant issues, such as his dislike for me not being a housewife, saying how disgusting I am for not having a hot meal on the table for my partner when he gets home from work or even putting a microwave meal on for him. That is none of his business how we live our lives, my partner is a chef and works long hours, he gets home at past midnight 5 days out of the week. He has said to me that he doesn't like a meal that has been cooked early in the evening that he has to warm up, it doesn't taste right (something to do with being a chef I think). When he gets home from work I am usually asleep, my father in law expects me to wake up when my partner gets in go downstairs and at least serve him up a microwave meal. Call me ridiculous but why should I have to wake up when my partner gets in from work just to put a meal in the microwave? He's not a retard, he may not be the smartest person I know but is capable of putting something into the microwave for himself. Anyhow being a chef he tends to eat whilst he's at work anyway.
In his email he also said that he would not apologise to me because he has nothing to apologise for.
There was a lot more to this email, but I saw red and told him that he would no longer be welcome in my sons life unless I receive an apology and for him to speak to me decently in the future. I admit that this sounds like blackmail, but I thought that this would be the only way to get through to him. After all he has 4 children of his own who have all chosen to have no contact with him because of the way he treated their mother over the years. He hasn't had contact with any of them for over 5 years. He may have grandchildren from them but does not know. The idea of no having contact with my son will devastate him after what happened with his own kids.
I have made it very clear that my mother in law is very much welcome in my sons life and special effort will be made for her to have regular contact.
She will be meeting us tomorrow to discuss things. She has told me to think my actions through. The long and the short of her thoughts are that she feels we are asking her to choose between her husband and her grandchild. I have not once said this to her. She said she does not want to choose. She is basically indicating that it will break her heart to not see her grandchild but it will put too much of a strain on her marriage to see my son when her husband is not allowed.
She says she doesn't want to choose, but by saying this she is telling us that she will choose her husband. We are not asking her to choose but this will be the second time she has chosen her husband over her family.
If I do not back down then she says I will be responsible for breaking up a family.
No one seems to understand that I have real concerns for my sons future well being. I fear that allowing my bullying father in law to see my son he will bully, speak down to and generally demean my son over the years, just in the same way he did with my partner. Due to his childhood living with my father in law, my partner is now a very shy man, who struggles to stand up for himself. He runs away from problems and issues that need to be resolved rather than solve them. I really don't want that for my son.
However on the flip side it is in my sons beat interests to have contact with his nan, and it would break her heart not to see him.
I just don't know what to do for the best. I am getting it from all angles. It's no use talking to my partner because he wants us to just go along with life as it has been because he doesn't want any hassle.

Any opinions and advice would be welcome but only if it is constructive whether it is good or bad. If you just want to comment to have a go at me without being constructive then I will delete the comment straight away.

Thank you in advance
Gem

What is your husbands view point on this, this is his parents and he needs to be dealing with them, not you. Is he standing with you, telling his step dad that he has to say he is sorry to come back into the house ?

What is your husbands view point on this, this is his parents and he needs to be dealing with them, not you. Is he standing with you, telling his step dad that he has to say he is sorry to come back into the house ?

Thanks for the reply. He is leaving it up to me. He gives into his step father all the time with everything. He has been bullied by him all his life so whatever solution I decide he will go with so he doesn't have to deal with the hassle of the situation

I disagree that only a husband can deal with his parents. They are her parent in laws and it is her child as well as his.

It is your choice. You made the decisions. If you feel that your son would be harmed (emotionally or or any other kind of harm) by seeing him, then don't let it happen.

I disagree that only a husband can deal with his parents. they are her parent in laws and it is her child as well as his.

it is your choice. you made the decisions. if you feel that your son would be harmed (emotionally or or any other kind of harm) by seeing him, then dont let it happen.
I do feel that my son could potentially be emotionally harm by my father in law, because my husband has been emotionally harmed in childhood by his step dad. But then I have my partners mum saying that since her mums death she found out life is too short to be rowing. She says it will break her heart not to see my son but she will cut off contact with him if her husband isn't allowed access to my son. Can't win really, because I feel guilty restricting access because of her

Have you tried being forceful about it?
Whenever you are over there letting your son visit with grandam, if father in law starts his crap, stand up for yourself and son. Say 'excuse me, do NOT talk to him like that' and various other responses.

have you tried being forceful about it?
whenever you are over there letting your son visit with grandam, if father in law starts his crap, stand up for yourself and son. say 'excuse me, do NOT talk to him like that' and various other responses.

Standing up for myself has got me into this mess in the first place unfortunately. My father in law does not respond to forceful, he believes he is right in everything and that is that. After the way my father in law has treated me I am so concerned about him seeing my son for the potential of him mistreating my son and forcing opinions onto him in the future. Things that I would like him to learn for himself e.g. gay marriage/male and female stereotypes etc.
My partner wants me to cave in and let his step dad see him to avoid the hassle. In my heart I don't feel I can do that

I'd ask him to have a quiet chat with you. Let him know that obviously continuing as things are is not helping anyone, but that you will leave if there are any derogatory comments made or any yelling of any kind. Tell them that this is to be a civil discussion.

I would include your husband and mother-in-law as well. Then share with him that while you want them both to be in your son's life, you have misgivings that you would like to share.

Write them down if that makes it easier. Actually go down the list and address each one.

Let him know that you respect his opinion of the roles women and men should have, but that you also then expect him to respect yours. Being respectful does not mean that you are in agreement, it only means that you are willing to understand that others may not share your views.

(If at any time he starts to interrupt you, raise your hand and simply state that you are still talking and he will have to wait his turn) Yes, treat him basically as an unruly and ill mannered bully. He has gotten away with this mistreatment for far too long and he needs to be made to realise what it has done to his relationships with family members.

Ask him point blank why he thinks none of his children want anything to do with him? Ask him how that makes him feel? Ask him doesn't he miss them and wouldn't he like to regain peace with them?

Point out your concern about how he may speak to your son if he doesn't live up to what he thinks he should do, or how he should act. Let him know that you feel very strongly that a relationship with his grandad is important (and he is really his grandad... think about it, if he were a wonderful man you wouldn't have any trouble calling him your son's grandad).

Hopefully in all of this conversation, you partner would join in at some point, and even your mother-in-law, but realise that you may have to go it on your own.

Maintain calm, don't let yourself get wound up. If need be, tell him that you will continue when HE calms down.

Old ways can be hard to change, especially in someone who may not see how others see them. He may not even care, but if nothing else, you will know that you took the high road. You made the first move to change things for the better. You stood up for yourself and for your son.

He may take notice, if not while you are there, then later on when he has had time to think about what was said. He may make some small attempt to reconcile. Be gracious if he does, even if it isn't exactly how you may have wanted it.

I'd suggest you not make any reference to his relationship / lack of relationship with his own children. Keep the focus on the core issue/concern... your son.
I understand that he doesn't have a relationship with his bio kids/grandkids based on his attitudes & belielfs re gender roles etc. Allowing your son to spend time with him is enabling the g/father to maintain ate status que and perpetuate his misguided attitudes /beliefs/valiues/behaviors? I really don't understand your desire to let them experience the joy of 'grandparenting' your son. That's total irespoinsible on your part!! Do they provide daycare or babysitting for you? Its not your business or responsibility to attempt any healing or change in this dysfunction... your responsibility is to provide care and be a good parent for your son. You mentioned that your husband is shy because of the way he was brought up with this father? Keep it simple... get a new babysitter! This is about YOUR sons welfare... not you inlaws! I wouldn't let my son stay there even if he wanted to. Set some boundaries for yourself... I'd talj to an expert. Not the end of the world for your son to be in that environment, very impressionable at this age? Lots to consider. Causing you too much stress over a lot of stuff that's really none of your business? Very nice of you to be so caring but... good luck :) regards

I feel for you, I have been with my husband for 12 years & married for 9. My MIL is the most downtrodden woman with shredded self esteem. My FIL is a rude sexist bullying pig whom I despise. He has gone many times further than yours over the years, even insisting on being in the delivery room as I gave birth to our first daughter who was stillborn. These men do not change. No amount of negotiating, cajoling, compassion or reason will ever get through. You are dealing with a man who is an emotional & verbal abuser. Hs own family want nothing to do with him. You owe him nothing. If your MIL will not stand up to him, that is her problem. He will abuse your son too if you let him, he sounds narcissistic & controlling & has no respect for you or your partner so you cannot protect your son from him. He has no rights to your son & your MIL will just ave to put her foot down r miss out. We all have to make choices & if adults are so badly behaved that they refuse to put peace first, then they don't deserve the family. I have recently after 12 years given my FIL the boot, and my MIL who will never stand up to him. His final insult was to my children in front of all f the family at a 40th birthday. You will find that you cannot set boundaries with these people & your son will be the reason you cut ties. Protect him, it's your job. I have researched the keys to resilience in children & there are many other ways to make them feel loved & grounded like being involved in your church, getting them into a nice school, friends, having a skill or talent they love. Lots of children are brought up with their grandparents already passed away so it will be no loss to your son. Just focus on your own little family unit, settle somewhere & create the community & friends you want. It takes time but you will be so much happier in the long run. God bless & I hope you move forward from all this nastiness, it's their issue, not yours :)