geniegee2003
May 24, 2012, 12:31 PM
This is going to be quite long and some of it may bore you but it's all relevant to explain my current problem that I really need advice on.
I discovered that I was pregnant, at first I was very unsure what to do about it. We confided in my mother and father in law about it, they supported us throughout our deliberations. I did not confide in my mum because I was sure she would be angry and not supportive.
We decided to keep the baby and he now a happy 1 year old.
The main issue at the moment is my father in law, he is my partners step dad of 20 years.
I have never got on with this man, he's "old school" whatever that is supposed to mean. His beliefs are traditional, a woman's place is in the home. Women in his eyes should cook, clean, serve their husband and generally keep their opinions to themselves and keep quiet. A woman who does not cook is one not worth anything.
Me being an enlightened 21st century woman studying for a career in law, I do not believe it is my job to take care of my partner. After all he has arms and legs, he is capable of getting off his bum and doing things for himself. But he is entitled to his opinion and to live his life the way he wants. If him and his wife are happy in these roles them that is their business and not for me to comment on and tell them to do things differently.
His wife is a lovely caring woman, albeit too caring sometimes to the point where it becomes intrusive. According to my partner she used to be carefree, she used to go out with friends, go shopping, have friends round and just generally have a life. She used to be very lively and bubbly. Things all changed when she married her husband, my partners step dad.
When he came into my partners life taking over the role of "dad" he naturally rebelled and made life difficult for both of them. Over time my partner accepted his new step dad and that he was a part of his life because he was a part of his mums life. He never really liked him but appreciated him providing for him like a real dad.
He is a very controlling man, my partner has told me of several incidents in his childhood where his step dad forced his authority. One incident occurred when my partner was 12 years old, he asked his step dad if he could have 50p for a book from his school book club. His step dad told him "you can have the 50p but we won't take you on holiday, choose" so my partner stood up to him and said that he would rather have the book. His step dad grounded him and gave him the silent treatment for 3 weeks until he made my partner say he acted the way he did because he missed his real dad!
Another example being where my partner came home from his part time job to find all his clothes in black bags sat on the front drive. He had decided to kick him out of the house at 16 years old with no prior warning or explanation. He had no place to stay and ended up sleeping on a friends sofa for a week until he found live in accommodation at his employment. My partners mum never said a word, nor raised an objection. We still don't know to this day why she didn't speak up. If my partner one day decided to kick my 16 year old son I would turn around and say "no you leave".
For these reasons I have always been very reluctant for my son to spend time with this man, after all really he isn't my sons "granddad".
Whilst I have been reluctant to allow him contact I have continued to allow it for my mother in laws sake, because she has very poor health. She thought she would die without ever having grandchildren.
My father in law has very strong opinions and views, when I disagree with one of his opinions, rather than let him force his opinion onto me I tell him I don't agree and explain why I don't agree but say that I understand his point of view. He will always talk over me and totally dismiss my opinion as utter rubbish without even really listening. He does this with every one. It makes me so angry but I try my best to bite my tongue and ignore his arrogance.
It has all come to a head and got to a point where I can no longer bite my tongue. He one day told me to "be quite young lady" and I saw red and just basically had enough of being spoken to like I'm nothing but a bit of dirt.
My partner had a quiet word with him about the way he continues to speak to me, his reply was that "it's in her head, she's just overly sensitive".
Since that time I have not had contact with my father in law, figuring if I don't see him then he doesn't have the opportunity to belittle me and talk down to me. I said that I wanted an apology for the nasty way he continues to speak to me and for him to speak to me decently in the future. He refused point blank. I will add that while I cut contact To a bare minimum. I still allowed him to see my son as often as possible.
We moved to temporary accommodation 10 miles away from the in laws, we haven't got our own transport and buses are very expensive to keep taking. So in the last 6 weeks they have only seen my son on maybe 4 occasions. While I agree this is not enough, coming to visit them is very difficult and expensive at the moment. When we are in closer permanent accommodation, visits will become easier and more regular again.
The in laws started to complain to us saying they were concerned about the amount they were seeing my son. Suggesting that I was deliberately trying to stop them seeing him because of the situation with my father in law.
I wrote them an email being as nice as I could explaining my thoughts and feeling that while it's no secret I do not get on with my father in law, living 10 miles away makes it more difficult for them to have regular contact with my son. But when we are in more permanent closer accommodation then visits would again increase.
My father in law sent me a reply, the nastiest email I have ever read in my life.he mentioned irrelevant issues, such as his dislike for me not being a housewife, saying how disgusting I am for not having a hot meal on the table for my partner when he gets home from work or even putting a microwave meal on for him. That is none of his business how we live our lives, my partner is a chef and works long hours, he gets home at past midnight 5 days out of the week. He has said to me that he doesn't like a meal that has been cooked early in the evening that he has to warm up, it doesn't taste right (something to do with being a chef I think). When he gets home from work I am usually asleep, my father in law expects me to wake up when my partner gets in go downstairs and at least serve him up a microwave meal. Call me ridiculous but why should I have to wake up when my partner gets in from work just to put a meal in the microwave? He's not a retard, he may not be the smartest person I know but is capable of putting something into the microwave for himself. Anyhow being a chef he tends to eat whilst he's at work anyway.
In his email he also said that he would not apologise to me because he has nothing to apologise for.
There was a lot more to this email, but I saw red and told him that he would no longer be welcome in my sons life unless I receive an apology and for him to speak to me decently in the future. I admit that this sounds like blackmail, but I thought that this would be the only way to get through to him. After all he has 4 children of his own who have all chosen to have no contact with him because of the way he treated their mother over the years. He hasn't had contact with any of them for over 5 years. He may have grandchildren from them but does not know. The idea of no having contact with my son will devastate him after what happened with his own kids.
I have made it very clear that my mother in law is very much welcome in my sons life and special effort will be made for her to have regular contact.
She will be meeting us tomorrow to discuss things. She has told me to think my actions through. The long and the short of her thoughts are that she feels we are asking her to choose between her husband and her grandchild. I have not once said this to her. She said she does not want to choose. She is basically indicating that it will break her heart to not see her grandchild but it will put too much of a strain on her marriage to see my son when her husband is not allowed.
She says she doesn't want to choose, but by saying this she is telling us that she will choose her husband. We are not asking her to choose but this will be the second time she has chosen her husband over her family.
If I do not back down then she says I will be responsible for breaking up a family.
No one seems to understand that I have real concerns for my sons future well being. I fear that allowing my bullying father in law to see my son he will bully, speak down to and generally demean my son over the years, just in the same way he did with my partner. Due to his childhood living with my father in law, my partner is now a very shy man, who struggles to stand up for himself. He runs away from problems and issues that need to be resolved rather than solve them. I really don't want that for my son.
However on the flip side it is in my sons beat interests to have contact with his nan, and it would break her heart not to see him.
I just don't know what to do for the best. I am getting it from all angles. It's no use talking to my partner because he wants us to just go along with life as it has been because he doesn't want any hassle.
Any opinions and advice would be welcome but only if it is constructive whether it is good or bad. If you just want to comment to have a go at me without being constructive then I will delete the comment straight away.
Thank you in advance
Gem
I discovered that I was pregnant, at first I was very unsure what to do about it. We confided in my mother and father in law about it, they supported us throughout our deliberations. I did not confide in my mum because I was sure she would be angry and not supportive.
We decided to keep the baby and he now a happy 1 year old.
The main issue at the moment is my father in law, he is my partners step dad of 20 years.
I have never got on with this man, he's "old school" whatever that is supposed to mean. His beliefs are traditional, a woman's place is in the home. Women in his eyes should cook, clean, serve their husband and generally keep their opinions to themselves and keep quiet. A woman who does not cook is one not worth anything.
Me being an enlightened 21st century woman studying for a career in law, I do not believe it is my job to take care of my partner. After all he has arms and legs, he is capable of getting off his bum and doing things for himself. But he is entitled to his opinion and to live his life the way he wants. If him and his wife are happy in these roles them that is their business and not for me to comment on and tell them to do things differently.
His wife is a lovely caring woman, albeit too caring sometimes to the point where it becomes intrusive. According to my partner she used to be carefree, she used to go out with friends, go shopping, have friends round and just generally have a life. She used to be very lively and bubbly. Things all changed when she married her husband, my partners step dad.
When he came into my partners life taking over the role of "dad" he naturally rebelled and made life difficult for both of them. Over time my partner accepted his new step dad and that he was a part of his life because he was a part of his mums life. He never really liked him but appreciated him providing for him like a real dad.
He is a very controlling man, my partner has told me of several incidents in his childhood where his step dad forced his authority. One incident occurred when my partner was 12 years old, he asked his step dad if he could have 50p for a book from his school book club. His step dad told him "you can have the 50p but we won't take you on holiday, choose" so my partner stood up to him and said that he would rather have the book. His step dad grounded him and gave him the silent treatment for 3 weeks until he made my partner say he acted the way he did because he missed his real dad!
Another example being where my partner came home from his part time job to find all his clothes in black bags sat on the front drive. He had decided to kick him out of the house at 16 years old with no prior warning or explanation. He had no place to stay and ended up sleeping on a friends sofa for a week until he found live in accommodation at his employment. My partners mum never said a word, nor raised an objection. We still don't know to this day why she didn't speak up. If my partner one day decided to kick my 16 year old son I would turn around and say "no you leave".
For these reasons I have always been very reluctant for my son to spend time with this man, after all really he isn't my sons "granddad".
Whilst I have been reluctant to allow him contact I have continued to allow it for my mother in laws sake, because she has very poor health. She thought she would die without ever having grandchildren.
My father in law has very strong opinions and views, when I disagree with one of his opinions, rather than let him force his opinion onto me I tell him I don't agree and explain why I don't agree but say that I understand his point of view. He will always talk over me and totally dismiss my opinion as utter rubbish without even really listening. He does this with every one. It makes me so angry but I try my best to bite my tongue and ignore his arrogance.
It has all come to a head and got to a point where I can no longer bite my tongue. He one day told me to "be quite young lady" and I saw red and just basically had enough of being spoken to like I'm nothing but a bit of dirt.
My partner had a quiet word with him about the way he continues to speak to me, his reply was that "it's in her head, she's just overly sensitive".
Since that time I have not had contact with my father in law, figuring if I don't see him then he doesn't have the opportunity to belittle me and talk down to me. I said that I wanted an apology for the nasty way he continues to speak to me and for him to speak to me decently in the future. He refused point blank. I will add that while I cut contact To a bare minimum. I still allowed him to see my son as often as possible.
We moved to temporary accommodation 10 miles away from the in laws, we haven't got our own transport and buses are very expensive to keep taking. So in the last 6 weeks they have only seen my son on maybe 4 occasions. While I agree this is not enough, coming to visit them is very difficult and expensive at the moment. When we are in closer permanent accommodation, visits will become easier and more regular again.
The in laws started to complain to us saying they were concerned about the amount they were seeing my son. Suggesting that I was deliberately trying to stop them seeing him because of the situation with my father in law.
I wrote them an email being as nice as I could explaining my thoughts and feeling that while it's no secret I do not get on with my father in law, living 10 miles away makes it more difficult for them to have regular contact with my son. But when we are in more permanent closer accommodation then visits would again increase.
My father in law sent me a reply, the nastiest email I have ever read in my life.he mentioned irrelevant issues, such as his dislike for me not being a housewife, saying how disgusting I am for not having a hot meal on the table for my partner when he gets home from work or even putting a microwave meal on for him. That is none of his business how we live our lives, my partner is a chef and works long hours, he gets home at past midnight 5 days out of the week. He has said to me that he doesn't like a meal that has been cooked early in the evening that he has to warm up, it doesn't taste right (something to do with being a chef I think). When he gets home from work I am usually asleep, my father in law expects me to wake up when my partner gets in go downstairs and at least serve him up a microwave meal. Call me ridiculous but why should I have to wake up when my partner gets in from work just to put a meal in the microwave? He's not a retard, he may not be the smartest person I know but is capable of putting something into the microwave for himself. Anyhow being a chef he tends to eat whilst he's at work anyway.
In his email he also said that he would not apologise to me because he has nothing to apologise for.
There was a lot more to this email, but I saw red and told him that he would no longer be welcome in my sons life unless I receive an apology and for him to speak to me decently in the future. I admit that this sounds like blackmail, but I thought that this would be the only way to get through to him. After all he has 4 children of his own who have all chosen to have no contact with him because of the way he treated their mother over the years. He hasn't had contact with any of them for over 5 years. He may have grandchildren from them but does not know. The idea of no having contact with my son will devastate him after what happened with his own kids.
I have made it very clear that my mother in law is very much welcome in my sons life and special effort will be made for her to have regular contact.
She will be meeting us tomorrow to discuss things. She has told me to think my actions through. The long and the short of her thoughts are that she feels we are asking her to choose between her husband and her grandchild. I have not once said this to her. She said she does not want to choose. She is basically indicating that it will break her heart to not see her grandchild but it will put too much of a strain on her marriage to see my son when her husband is not allowed.
She says she doesn't want to choose, but by saying this she is telling us that she will choose her husband. We are not asking her to choose but this will be the second time she has chosen her husband over her family.
If I do not back down then she says I will be responsible for breaking up a family.
No one seems to understand that I have real concerns for my sons future well being. I fear that allowing my bullying father in law to see my son he will bully, speak down to and generally demean my son over the years, just in the same way he did with my partner. Due to his childhood living with my father in law, my partner is now a very shy man, who struggles to stand up for himself. He runs away from problems and issues that need to be resolved rather than solve them. I really don't want that for my son.
However on the flip side it is in my sons beat interests to have contact with his nan, and it would break her heart not to see him.
I just don't know what to do for the best. I am getting it from all angles. It's no use talking to my partner because he wants us to just go along with life as it has been because he doesn't want any hassle.
Any opinions and advice would be welcome but only if it is constructive whether it is good or bad. If you just want to comment to have a go at me without being constructive then I will delete the comment straight away.
Thank you in advance
Gem