Hey everyone, I came here looking for advice because I can't deal with this anymore. I am 30 years old and for the past 2 years my husband, my children and me have been living with my mother. My stepfather died in March of 2010 and shortly after that my mom was involved in a car accident so we decided to move back in with her so we could help her. I was a stay-at-home mom then not by choice but because the job market has been bad and I don't have sufficient experience.

I am not really sure how to start because there is so much I want to get off my chest. I guess I should start by saying that my mother's and my relationship was never that great. I was mostly raised by grandparents, my mother was a single parent and while she was working I spent the weekdays at my grandparents house, going to mom's place over the weekends. I never really considered her place to be my home but I remember crying a lot and wanting to be with her and not really understanding the concept of nana's day care.

When I was 18 she started seeing a man who was very authoritarian and very judgmental. I didn't really get along with him because he would often insult me and my mother defended him saying he didn't mean it. I put up with it for two years before finally packing my bags and leaving to my boyfriend's house, leaving a letter for my mom, explaining I want to live with my boyfriend. At first she was extremely angry with me but after finding out I was pregnant she somewhat calmed down and our relationship started to slightly improve. Unfortunately my boyfriend turned out to be abusive and I had to end the relationship for the good of my child and myself.

I started college but I never finished it because I realized a little too late it's not what really interests me but in the meantime I have finished needed education for what I really want to do and am passionate about. I married a wonderful man and had a daughter with him. He is behind me no matter what and he knows how much this situation is hurting me.
Since we moved back in with my mom, I have lost 15 lbs. and most of the time I am depressed. My husband is working but he is not making enough for us to move out because his boss has some financial problems and job market here is in a serious downturn. I am actively seeking employment and I am caught in catch 22: I can't work because I have no experience but without a job how am I supposed to get experience? My mother likes to control my husband's and mine finances. We give her 2/3 of his paycheck to help with the bills and food and we are fine with that. The last 1/3 is what we keep for ourselves and our personal expenses (school field trips, occasional night out with the kids,coffee). She likes to know what did we buy, why did we buy it and then complains about it or has better ideas. She took me to the pharmacy one day and made me pick up pain killers, fever suppressants, pedia lax, cough syrups even though I adamantly said I prefer home remedies instead of immediately reaching for a pill. I prefer to air dry my hair after a shower, she will complain that if I don't use a blow dryer I will catch a cold and I will have problems with sinuses. So I am using a blow dryer instead of listening to an hour long preaching about catching a cold. I like to wear very little make up (if any at all) and usually darker shades like brown, black(nail polish). She tells me that I look like a vampire and that I would look better as a blonde and with short hair. My hair is chocolate brown (I tried blonde and didn't like how it looked) and long. The other day my husband and I were listening to our music and she came in told us to turn it off because that's not music and we will kill ourselves like that and that it has been scientifically proven that that kind of music causes high blood pressure.

When I am cleaning, if I accidentally move one thing two inches from its original position she will come after me and move it back two inches and then give me an hour long speech about why it has to be there even if I tell her I did it on accident. She likes to complain about nearly everything. She complains that my husband and I have 2 cups of coffee a day. She wants me to do stuff on her computer because she doesn't know how to do it and then she proceeds to tell me that I didn't do it even though I did, usually right in front of her eyes. She likes to point out the "bad" things I have done (like running away to my boyfriend's house, or that I didn't put the screwdriver back where it belongs.) to the entire neighborhood.
Latest thing she did was change my resume which I politely asked if she could print out at work because our home printer ran out of color. She wanted to know which position I was applying for and then she added a non-existent work experience for me on my resume and told me to listen to her.
I am applying for jobs without success (I changed the resume back and went to a public library before the interview because I didn't want to lie on my resume) but I would really like to start my own business and I have several ideas and plans to make them happen. Yet my mother is talking me out of it and insisting I get a steady job first and then freelance on the side. She is convinces I will fail and that the idea itself is too risky to even consider. But at the same time she is pushing for me to think about joining with her friend's daughter and start a fortune teller job. (Actually reading tarot cards to people- something that really doesn't go well with me- I don't believe in it myself, no disrespect to people who are into it).

I could go on but I think I have given you enough to form a picture of what I am going through. I lack the courage to stand up and do anything because we can't afford an apartment of our own on one paycheck. I feel like I am that scared teen age girl who never stood up for herself again and I am really reaching the tipping point. Thank you for reading and apologies for my wall of text.

It sounds like your mother hasn't become overbearing and inconsiderate overnight. Most likely she was like this when you, your husband, and children decided to move in.

It is not her that has to change, and I'm sure you realize that. It is up to you, as a grown woman with a husband and children, to realize that having a whole family move in with her, has likely resulted in stress for her as well. Two years is a long time. I assume that she has recovered from her injuries long ago.

You don't say that she is asking you and your family to move out. But, what if she were. What if she gave you 30 days notice to move. What would you do.

Most likely you would have to apply for public assistance for money to pay rent, and buy food. Child care would have to be arranged via public assistance. There are many resources that can help you, and your husband and kids, to get back on your feet.

Maybe you would qualify for some job training, as would your husband. There is help out there.

You have painted a very good picture of why it is time to move on, and move out.

Why not start by contacting service agencies in your area. Explain that you need to find housing, daycare, and a job. Many people who have found themselves in your position have done the same. At some point, you will have to move, staying with your mother was probably only meant to be temporary.

Two years is long enough.