Ok. I am going to resume this very quickly. More than 10 months I had an account on okcupid. I tried to find a friend there since I am a penpaller. I do love penpal, and I have friends all around the world. But okcupid is one of the worst places to find a friend there. In one case I found a portuguese-american girl. I am portuguese and since I never found any american of portuguese descendant I decided to give it a shot. Now reading this girl profile I found she was very nerdy and we had interests in common. She had a gigantic profile detailing everything about her. On her journal she wrote her real username. When I googled the username later, I found a site indicating various I'm accounts, msn, skype, aim, etc. A tumblr, a livejournal, deviant art, some comics she was making. And even weirder for me was a totally public Facebook. I mean without even being a friend you could see all her posts and comments. She clearly was an open who wanted people talking to her. I found it also weird she also appointed her parents websites and one of parents and a complete profile too on the site.
So I sent her a message on okcupid. She didn't answer. Two weeks later I sent her another message, but she didn't even have logged on okcupid to see the message. Then I tried to email her like 8 times in 4 months. I also tried to pm on fb so she could see my face. I am a very stubborn person, I did it because I found impolite for her to never answer me when she clearly wanted people to find her. Then I gave up.
In December I was making a review through my year in my mind and I remembered the case so I sent an email asking why she never answered my questions. What I got was a blog post saying where she said she was going to delete her okcupid account. Here's a cut of what she said:
Finally deleting my okcupid account

i never use it anymore and even though i think it’s kind of a cool way to meet people to make friends with (that’s how i became friends with josh) there’s this one guy who sent me a few messages i never replied to and then proceeded to send me several long, drawn-out emails begging me to speak to him and then one really upset email calling me UNBELIEVABLY RUDE AND INCONSIDERATE for never responding to him and it kind of creeped me out

(...)

i might make a new account at some point, since this account wasn’t under my usual handle, because i do think it can be a really nice way to network in your area and i could always use more friends locally

but for now

god

baleting


So my question is not how I can be friendly with this person (although I would like to know the aswer to that question). More important to me is to know why this happen.

Thank you.

She's not interested in you. Move on.

She's not interested in you. Move on.

I moved on. This whole thing ended in December, I only wanted to know why this happens since I tried to be polite at the time.

Reread what she wrote. She wasn't really using the account anymore, she met someone (Josh) who she apparently was interested in, and your efforts to contact her made her uncomfortable.

Most people would have probably figured that she wasn't interested after about the second or third attempt and left her alone.

You saw it as being polite, she saw it as someone she didn't know who kept trying to contact her. Certainly she could have taken care of it right away with a short response of "thanks but no thanks", but she might thought you would have figured it out when she didn't respond after the first few times.

It is interesting that this apparently still bothers you. Consider it simply mixed signals.

Reread what she wrote. She wasn't really using the account anymore, she met someone (Josh) who she apparently was interested in, and your efforts to contact her made her uncomfortable.

Most people would have probably figured that she wasn't interested after about the second or third attempt and left her alone.

You saw it as being polite, she saw it as someone she didn't know who kept trying to contact her. Certainly she could have taken care of it right away with a short response of "thanks but no thanks", but she might thought you would have figured it out when she didn't respond after the first few times.

It is interesting that this apparently still bothers you. Consider it simply mixed signals.

But then why she had such an enormous profile on okc, all the info on the website and a public Facebook? She looked like she wanted friends. On my mind she was being impolite because she was not answering even thought she was asking for them.

Okcupid is a dating site, correct? She mentioned meeting Josh on it so maybe she just never took her profile off after meeting him. She said she hadn't been using it.

Plenty of people keep their Facebook settings set for public viewing.

I can see where you would have thought she would be open to anyone contacting her, and maybe she was at one point. She may have changed her mind, she may have simply not been interested in starting a conversation with you.

Regardless, try not to let it bother you. Could have been handled differently perhaps, but it wasn't, can't change that. Behaviors are often quite different online than they would be in person.

Lesson learned... if after 2 or 3 attempts you don't hear back from someone, consider that they are not interested and continue your search.

Okcupid is a dating site, correct? She mentioned meeting Josh on it so maybe she just never took her profile off after meeting him. She said she hadn't been using it.

Plenty of people keep their facebook settings set for public viewing.

I can see where you would have thought she would be open to anyone contacting her, and maybe she was at one point. She may have changed her mind, she may have simply not been interested in starting a conversation with you.

Regardless, try not to let it bother you. Could have been handled differently perhaps, but it wasn't, can't change that. Behaviors are often quite different online than they would be in person.

Lesson learned......if after 2 or 3 attempts you don't hear back from someone, consider that they are not interested and continue your search.

Thank you so much. You know I really should put this behind. It is just it was the first time someone refused a friendship to me, it was bit of a shock. I always was careful enough to set up a small grou of friends that would never do something like that to me. I guess somehow I had to step in a rock someday. Thank you, your opinion really mattered. And if anyone else has other opionions I would like to listen to them too.

Doula is correct here. You should have caught on after the 2nd or third attempt. It is interesting that 5 months later, this still bothers you.

Doula is correct here. You should have caught on after the 2nd or third attempt. It is interesting that 5 months later, this still bothers you.

Maybe because it was the first time it has happen, plus I found it impolite and I'm stubborn like hell and I don't give up without putting a fight, that was this was all about getting an answer, at one point I didn't care if she was interesting or not. All that mattered was getting the answer. That is called being stubborn.

On dating sites, guys will message maybe 30 girls and only 3 or 4 will even answer back, and maybe 1 or 2 will tell you they are not interested, Dating sites is for dating, nor a "penpal" it is for online dating, that will lead to real life dating.

Next I would say MOST peoples face book is public, I find it strange that you found it strange.

But after she did not answer the first mail, you should have not contacted her again, and certainly not long emails. Most likely that made you appear to be a stalker or some sort.

People who don't give up often end up restraining orders to make them stop.

You crossed more dating lines than can be named.

All that mattered was getting the answer. That is called being stubborn.

Stubborn maybe... but you probably creeped the hell out of her. I can only imagine.




People who don't give up often end up restraining orders to make them stop.

You crossed more dating lines than can be named.

+1 for that!

On dating sites, guys will message maybe 30 girls and only 3 or 4 will even answer back, and maybe 1 or 2 will tell you they are not interested, Dating sites is for dating, nor a "penpal" it is for online dating, that will lead to real life dating.

Next I would say MOST peoples face book is public, I find it strange that you found it strange.

But after she did not answer the first mail, you should have not contacted her again, and certainly not long emails. Most likely that made you appear to be a stalker or some sort.

People who don't give up often end up restraining orders to make them stop.

You crossed more dating lines than can be named.

Welll she was looking for friends there, she clearly specified that she was on a relationship. I know I did it wrong, but don't know how I crossed "more dating lines than can be named". Sorry.

You didn't take a hint, leave her alone, and knowingly did wrong. That's 3 things that crossed the lines. And that's quite enough. Even a stubborn person should know when to quit. And being stubborn enough to keep fighting a losing battle, you got what you got.

Take rejection gracefully, and with dignity, and don't be so stubborn, and willing to fight.

You didn't take a hint, leave her alone, and knowingly did wrong. Thats 3 things that crossed the lines. And thats quite enough. Even a stubborn person should know when to quit. And being stubborn enough to keep fighting a losing battle, you got what you got.

Take rejection gracefully, and with dignity, and don't be so stubborn, and willing to fight.

I don't know what hint, she simply there wasn't one, I would left het alone with pleasure if she manifestated. About wrong on her profile which I have printscreens which I am not showing but where she said that she was all about friendship.

Ok I am going to show part of the printscreen tell me if she doesn't defy all logic:

http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/4756/image1wly.png

This was part of a very long profile I read back then.

Sorry for the bad english on the last one sometimes I eat some words.

It appears that she read your messages and decided that she wasn't interested. She could have received hundreds and just went through them to see who she thought she would be interested in.

After you kept trying to get her to respond, she likely decided that you fell in the category of "overly clingy crazies". This is evident by her post on okcupid where she stated:

"there's this one guy who sent me a few messages i never replied to and then proceeded to send me several long, drawn-out emails begging me to speak to him and then one really upset email calling me UNBELIEVABLY RUDE AND INCONSIDERATE for never responding to him and it kind of creeped me out"

You must have gone pretty over the top with your e-mails (at least in her opinion) to cause her to be so concerned that she would actually write about it. Your focus became more on trying to get some sort of response from her than from trying to start a friendship with someone.

Next time you try to start up a conversation with someone avoid any confusion, disappointment, or frustration by recognizing when they are not interested. One way is by telling you so, another is by offering no response.

Hey thanks again DoulaLC

Here's a cut of what she said:
Finally deleting my okcupid account

I never use it anymore and even though I think it's kind of a cool way to meet people to make friends with (that's how I became friends with josh) there's this one guy who sent me a few messages I never replied to and then proceeded to send me several long, drawn-out emails begging me to speak to him and then one really upset email calling me UNBELIEVABLY RUDE AND INCONSIDERATE for never responding to him and it kind of creeped me out

That's a hint to me, a rather strong one!!

Thats a hint to me, a rather strong one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was on the end, I only received that hint on the of the thing in December.