So I don't know where to begin with this.. so I guess I will begin to introduce myself. I'm seventeen years old and my boyfriend is twenty, we've been dating for almost two years (since I was fifteen and he was eighteen.) When him and I started seeing each other I stopped talking to all of my close friends but one of them, well now that I look back that's a huge mistake. I have spent almost two years every weekend with my boyfriend and his friends, not my own. And I was shy to begin with, and most of his friends are at least five years older than me, it's just making me insane, slowly, like slowly developing social anxiety, if I don't have it already. About six months into the relationship I went to a party with the one friend I kept, and some boy kissed me, it was nothing meaningful or anything just a peck on the lips nothing more, I told my boyfriend though, it wasn't like I was trying to keep it away from him forever, well he forgave me and we stayed together like nothing happened, it was nice but something was somehow different, he wasn't as nice as he used to be, he was almost controlling but I didn't believe it, and I just tried to ignore it. Everything was going fine, kind of , then about three months after that incident I decided against his wishes to go to a 4th of July party, I promised myself I would keep myself under control. After a few drinks I found myself making out from one boy to the next, of course I told my boyfriend the next morning, that's when got tough, that's when the abuse started and my depression, I was no longer my own person, I belonged to my boyfriend, I could have simply broken up with him then, when it would have been a lot easier, but I didn't, I don't know why I didn't.. Months later, like eight months later, after a drunken fight ended our relationship, for what I thought was for good, I took a few shots, and went home with his friend, and gave him oral sex, I regret it a lot, but it could be a lot worse, right? Three days later though me and my boyfriend got back together, and I never told him, I felt as though I didn't have to because we broke up, right? Well, that's what I thought. I knew that if he ever found out what happened between me and his friend I would loose him, but I shouldn't care because all he does is physically and mentally abuse me, but for some reason I do care so I decided to not tell him. I knew eventually he would find out from someone else but me, after keeping it from him for three months he found out. He picked me up from school and he told me "I know what you did with _____" I told him it "shouldn't matter because him and I broke up," well after that he told me "Well you know what I did do when we were dating? I had sex with _______(his ex)" At that moment I knew this relationship was ruined. I may sound like a total slut over this, and yes we're both in the wrong but I just feel like sex should be meaningful, sure I've kissed other boys while with him but I would NEVER NEVER NEVER have sex with someone else. I just feel so stuck in this relationship, I feel like I wouldn't be able to live without him. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just see this relationship is totally ed and just move the on? My question to you is, what should I do?

In all honesty, you REALLY need to move on. It is in no way a healthy relationship. You need to tell him straight up that you can't ever be with him, you want him out of your life, and you need to completely cut off all contact with him. Again, it is a very destructive relationship. I don't think you're an idiot. Yes, you've made bad decisions, but we honestly all do, and we all need to be open to learning from our mistakes. It will probably be one of the hardest things you've done to break up with him for good, but once you are completely over him, it will be SO worth it. You will become a much happier person, you will be free to be yourself, and you won't feel like he's hovering over you all the time. I was in an unhealthy relationship myself - not nearly to the same extent as yours; there was no cheating or abuse, but we were just NOT at ALL right for each other. We argued constantly, but I thought I loved him, and I was so blinded by my love that not only did I refuse to see how it was unhealthy, but I simply COULDN'T see it. And when I broke up with him, I had the time to anylize my relationship, and I am currently with the true love of my life, and I see how bad the other relationship was. Also, if your friends are true, good friends, they will take you back. They may be upset with you, but a good friend is loyal to the end. And you can always make new friends. Good luck, and I hope you make wise decisions!