I just started dating this girl recently. Were both in college but I am 5 years older than her. I am 26 and she's 21. We have been out 4 times now but she always has things to do so our dates always run short. Let me also add that I have not tried to get in her pants, as much as I have wanted to, I have not tried. So I invited her over for dinner last night. I did every romantic thing I could think of. For example,I had the table set very nicely, I gave her flowers, cooked her chicken cordon bleu, put on music that she likes (country, hate it!), lit the candles, had a great bottle of wine on hand. So anyway, she seemed like she really enjoyed herself with the way she complimented me on dinner and her body language and such. So after dinner we are sitting in the kitchen talking and I asked what she wanted to do, such as go rent a movie or go out for drinks. That is when she told me that she had made other plans for later that evening and she was leaving in a little while. I was kind of floored when she told me this. I told her that I didn't make other plans for later in the evening because I had plans to spen time with her. I was upset and I think my body language and attitude showed it. Also, she said that she wanted to hang out the next night after she was done doing the things she already had planned. I tried to get ahold of her and she has not responded.

Did I do something to scare her off? Is it possible that my lack of action in the physical area turned her off? I like this girl and I was really trying to show her that I was not just trying to have sex with her but rather build a bit of a relationship before sex is involved. Any suggestions?

Sounds like two people going different speeds to me. I can tell you I cautioned my now husband in the beginning that I was slow... but slow to him and slow to me were two very different things! LOL

Give her a little time to get back to you. If she takes too long, call her once more on the "in case she didn't get the message" basis. If she doesn't call back then, look elsewhere.

I'm usually trying to get laid relatively quickly. Not this time though. I'll see her Tuesday as she is in one of my classes. I feel a little hurt because she had made plans before she had even came over to go out with other people. It makes me feel a little used. My intent was to come off as sweet but I do not think that I accomplished anything.

I agree with you that making plans or claiming to have made plans that cut short an evening you put a lot of effort into seems a little strange but is it possible she didn't fully realise that going in? I would not have done that but I can also tell you that my mate and I didn't have sex for many many dates. Most men were too fast for me and who won me was someone willing to slow down. Some people really are that slow. LOL

And with all due respect, there is a difference from "coming off as sweet" and really being sweet and we girls are often trained to ferret out that difference. It may be wise to not make it anything more than a little misunderstanding. And if need be, either date faster women or slow down for her... your choice.

I totally agree with Valinor's response.

Just as an add on here, something for you to think about. 4th or 5th date, home cooked meal at your place. That screams sex is on the table to anyone with half a brain. She definitely was expecting you to make sexual moves on her and she made other plans so she wasn't placed in the awkward position of having to say no. If at all possible, you need to clear the air with her and tell her you think she is special and your intentions are honorable, if that is how you truly feel. Tell her when you make dinner for her, all you are expecting is to hang out for the evening and that you will not pressure her for sex. At this point, all you can do is try your best to be as honest and up front with her as possible and let the chips fall where they may.

I would say to her you'd like to ask her a question and you'd really appreciate an honest answer from her. Then ask her if you're wasting your time trying to get to know her better and is she really interested in you? See her response. If she asks you why you're asking that then be straight with her and let her know that you feel a bit used as she always has somewhere else to go and does she really find you that boring? Hopefully she'll be honest with you!

At least that way you'll know one way or the other and be able to move on.

Thanks Eve. I think I'll ask her. I'm trying my best to slow down but I don't even know if that is what she wants. I'm really perplexed with this one... maybe why I am so interested. I'll repost on Tuesday with my results of our conversation. Also, I wasn't just acting sweet but rather doing all of the things that past relationships have taught me with regards to treating a woman like a princess. It was not an act, I was genuine. When I said I wanted to come off as sweet I meant that I wanted her to perceive it the way I had intended. My true intent was to stand out as to make her feel that she is special. I know she was impressed but I feel that it might have been too much too soon.

Yes Tony. It might have been too soon for the dinner at home date. You sound like a very nice and decent guy. Just keep in mind, even though 5 years is not that big an age difference, to a certain extent it is at her age. You are in a place where you are looking for a relationship. She isn't out of college yet and her personal objectives may be on the back burner for the moment until she achieves her business objectives. She just may not want to be tied down to a relationship yet.

Definitely, please let us know what happened. The more info we are given, the more insight we have. And, we might be able to give you a better handle on her. Good luck my dear!

I figured out what was going on. She called me and told me that she thought I was coming on a little strong. I think she is right because I would at least email her on a daily basis... nothing serious just short "hey, what's up" kind of things. I like this girl and I don't want to push her away. I think I'll back off some and give some space. I was being a little overbearing... it all makes sense now. Seems like I screwed this one up. Any suggestions for me to keep her around?

I figured out what was going on. She called me and told me that she thought I was coming on a little strong. I think she is right because I would at least email her on a daily basis.....nothing serious just short "hey, what's up" kind of things. I like this girl and I don't want to push her away. I think I'll back off some and give some space. I was being a little overbearing....it all makes sense now. Seems like I screwed this one up. any suggestions for me to keep her around?


Tony, can you see what you have written here? You are saying you will back off and you recognize you are being overbearing, but you are still trying to find a way to keep her around you. You can't do that if you are being truthful in honoring your intentions to back off for a while, which is what she is asking from you.

Backing off is backing off and giving that person some space. It means no contact for a long while. Please stop e-mailing her and please reread my post above. You really need to learn how to be sensitive to what others are saying to you and listen when they tell you what they are telling you. You don't seem to be doing that. I am sorry honey, but you have to stop doing this to yourself and to her. Nothing you say or do will keep her around. It will only make her pull away more.

Its good to know the sweet goes deep just as I was hoping it did! My suggestion is to apologise to her for rushing it a bit (if you haven't already) and offer that you'll go a lot slower? Then... go... a lot... slower, dude! Think molasses, think paint drying, okay? She'll either get past it or she won't.

(Hands you a bottle marked "slow down and chill" pills, whispering "Nevermind that they look just like skittles!" LOL)

PS - I'm with Ruby about she is not yours "to keep around". You can only attract or repel, so think about what Ruby said about that.

Tony, I am so, so, sorry, I just confused your post with someone else's post, your answer was like his, but his girlfriend broke up with him and he was refusing to leave her alone when that is what she wanted. I am so sorry. I have egg on my face on this one!:o

Listen to Val's advice, I ditto her sentiment here.

I felt is was better to apologize than delete my posting. Just forgive an elderly woman's confused mind. :)

It was a case of too much too quick. I'm fine with the situation and I'll talk to her when I see her in class on Tuesday. Until then I'm not initiating contact. I like this girl and I'm not trying to scare her off. I guess too much charm can be a bad thing.

LOL Tony. When a guy pours on the charm it usually means they just want to get into your pants. A lot of girls don't get it, they are really flattered by the attention and then get confused when things fall apart quickly. This one sounds like a very sharp girl. Let's face it Tony, you can't really build a solid relationship when it begins with sex. Believe it or not, sex really is absolutely amazing when you have become good friends with your partner first. Sounds like this girl is worth the effort.

I am glad that she was honest with you about how she was feeling. Maybe when you speak to her on Tuesday, tell her that you understand what she is saying and that you are going to leave it up to her when and where you guys get together next. Then, don't e-mail or call. If you suddenly become less available, she may become more interested.
It works the same way for women as it does men. When you come off too strong, people have a tendency to back away. What you believe is charming, she may translate as neediness and suffocating. As Val says above, take it slow. When women or men think someone is not that available, it peaks their interest.

Good luck honey. Let us know what happens. Again, sorry for my screw up in the earlier posting. :)

I just hope I didn't screw this one up for good. Thanks for the guidance. As for the sex issue, I am really behaving myself with this one, NO B.S. Ruby, we all make mistakes. Look for my reply tomarrow if you care to see what happens next.

Tony, I do believe you when you say that.

I was only telling you from a woman's point of view of how it is interpreted when a man really turns the charm on. You said in an earlier posting that you usually tried to get laid quickly and, in an even earlier one, you said that you did want to with this girl, even though you weren't pushing it. So, it just suggested to me that you haven't really had a relationship where sex wasn't introduced early on. And, I think that is why you are having such a problem figuring out how to go about "courting" her properly. You have met someone you really truly like and want to take it to a different level first. I commend you for being such a gentleman and I hope this works out the way you want it to.

So, I definitely will be checking back when you post. I am rooting for you.

You're right Ruby. I have always tried to get laid within 3-5 dates as I always thought it pointless to continue after 5 dates if there was no physicalities involved. I think I could wait 10-15 dates with this girl, maybe longer. I think I was trying to get too close too fast. She most likely saw it as pushy.

If it makes you feel any better, you have good character judgement. You have recognized that you have found someone worthwhile.

She obviously has self respect and is comfortable in who she is and what she wants. She won't just jump into bed with anyone and isn't looking for an instant relationship, wanting desperately for someone to love her. A lot of women seem to think that sex automatically means you are in a relationship and obsess about the guy. Kind of makes me sad that they are so desperate to have someone love them.

She won't have a lot of the emotional baggage people always seem to have and she isn't someone who has been through so many relationships that she can't remember all the guys she has slept with. Pretty much a pearl of a girl! :)

I just started dating this girl recently. Were both in college but I am 5 years older than her. I am 26 and she's 21. We have been out 4 times now but she always has things to do so our dates always run short. Let me also add that I have not tried to get in her pants, as much as I have wanted to, I have not tried. So I invited her over for dinner last night. I did every romantic thing I could think of. For example,I had the table set very nicely, I gave her flowers, cooked her chicken cordon bleu, put on music that she likes (country, hate it!), lit the candles, had a great bottle of wine on hand. So anyway, she seemed like she really enjoyed herself with the way she complimented me on dinner and her body language and such. So after dinner we are sitting in the kitchen talking and I asked what she wanted to do, such as go rent a movie or go out for drinks. That is when she told me that she had made other plans for later that evening and she was leaving in a little while. I was kind of floored when she told me this. I told her that I didn't make other plans for later in the evening because I had plans to spen time with her. I was upset and I think my body language and attitude showed it. Also, she said that she wanted to hang out the next night after she was done doing the things she already had planned. I tried to get ahold of her and she has not responded.

Did I do something to scare her off? Is it possible that my lack of action in the physical area turned her off? I like this girl and I was really trying to show her that I was not just trying to have sex with her but rather build a bit of a relationship before sex is involved. Any suggestions?
Chemistry must not be there or she would have canceled her later plans. Move on.

Update! So things didn't go as I imagined but I do not think that it went too bad. I apologized for being pushy and coming on too strong and also acting like a big baby when she told me she had made other plans for later that evening. I told her that I still want to date her. She said that was fine with that and she is not going to write me off just yet. I ended the conversation by telling her I'd enjoy going out with her again but I am going to let her make the date. I put the ball in her hands so I'll see what move she makes. If she does nothing I will be surprised as I think I handled it pretty well.

Great! Good luck. I hope I was wrong when I thought the chemistry was not there. Prove me wrong and make it work! Keep us posted...

Excellent Tony! You handled yourself perfectly! Yep, the ball is in her court now! I am rooting for you! :)

If I do not hear from her this weekend should I get ahold of her at the beginning of next week? Not to ask her to go out but rather to keep me in her mind? Any suggestions would be helpful.

Well, you see her at class on Tuesdays right? If you don't hear from her by then, I would ask her if she is interested in going out that weekend. But, pick a definite thing to do that she would like. What are her interests? Did she mention any movies she wants to see? Does she like to rollerblade? Go bowling? Go antiquing? Choose something that will completely entice her so that she will give an enthusiastic yes to it.

That's just it. I do not know what all of her interests are as we have not spent enough time talking with each other. I am going on vacation next Thursday and will be gone the following two weekends. Spring Break in Florida. I'd like to go out with her before the 8th but I'M NOT GOING TO PUSH IT! I want to do something unique with her. Any suggestions?

The apology was good, the ball in her court great! You may however be getting ahead of yourself or it again. Please honor that you said you'll let her make the next date. Don't contact her, weekly class contact is enough. Be friendly there. If she asks you out, she should be the one who creates the details of that date (women know how to do this too). You can then use that time to explore her interests for clues as to the next date, which if this one goes well you can offer to her. See, ping... pong... ping, like that... at a nice slow pace! Love is different from sex, its takes far less effort, more patience and sincerity.

I am surprised that after 4 dates with her that you don't have an idea of what her interests are. I can't suggest anything unique because I don't know what she likes or her personality.?

I know you want to see her but I think you might be better off waiting until you come back from break. Unless, there is a way you can buy her a cup of coffee or a bite to eat on Tuesday after class.?

During your break, give a lot of thought to your conversations with her and what she has told you that she likes to do and things that you have grasped just from her personality. If you can do that in the next few days, and you want to post them here, I might have some suggestions. But, just a warning, if you insist on seeing her before spring break, you might ruin your future chances with her. You will come off desperate rather than a guy who is just kicking back and telling her that you will let her make the next move, as you said you would.

P.S. Sorry Val, I didn't see your post here before mine. My dial-up is rather slow today.

I'll let her take total control for the next date and see how she responds. I do know some things she likes just not enough to make a judgement on what she is into totally. Still in the getting to know her phase. I ruminate too much.

Ruby - Ah yes, slow dial up, how I suffer it as well.

Tony - Ruminating is good, and we'll try not to take too much of it too seriously too, if that's okay? You're doing fine, by the way. LOL

I just started dating this girl recently. Were both in college but I am 5 years older than her. I am 26 and she's 21. We have been out 4 times now but she always has things to do so our dates always run short. Let me also add that I have not tried to get in her pants, as much as I have wanted to, I have not tried. So I invited her over for dinner last night. I did every romantic thing I could think of. For example,I had the table set very nicely, I gave her flowers, cooked her chicken cordon bleu, put on music that she likes (country, hate it!), lit the candles, had a great bottle of wine on hand. So anyway, she seemed like she really enjoyed herself with the way she complimented me on dinner and her body language and such. So after dinner we are sitting in the kitchen talking and I asked what she wanted to do, such as go rent a movie or go out for drinks. That is when she told me that she had made other plans for later that evening and she was leaving in a little while. I was kind of floored when she told me this. I told her that I didn't make other plans for later in the evening because I had plans to spen time with her. I was upset and I think my body language and attitude showed it. Also, she said that she wanted to hang out the next night after she was done doing the things she already had planned. I tried to get ahold of her and she has not responded.

Did I do something to scare her off? Is it possible that my lack of action in the physical area turned her off? I like this girl and I was really trying to show her that I was not just trying to have sex with her but rather build a bit of a relationship before sex is involved. Any suggestions?
The way you tried to show her a nice time you were showing her that you are a sweet and caring guy I'm not in collage but I know a lot of things about relationships.. Dont try and contact her a lot girls see that as desprate and oh he only wants to get in my pants leave it for a few days if she enjoyed the dinner then she will contact you give her time she seems like a very busy girl if she enjoyed and see's that you were just trying to get to know her then she will relize maybe I should call him but if you call her 100 times and then she isn't going to want to get into that kind of relationship she will think what's wrong with him a few dates and I already have him calling me like a stalker what a looser give her time to come to you I'm sure she will because what you tried to do that night would have made a great impression on her just let her come to you

This all sounds too complicated, but then compared to you, I'm older than dirt.

My suggestion is to not contact her more than once every week or two, but if she calls you, wait several hours and then call her back, for example, when your classes or shift at work are over. Don't email her at all except to respond to her emails. Do call her after a week or two and ask her on another date - a specific date, out in public where she won't feel any pressure that you will put the moves on her - like dinner and a movie. Make sure that you have plans after the movie - like meeting your roommate or friends in a bar. If the evening is going well, you can just say, " I'm having a great time and hate to cut it short - I'm supposed to meet my friends at the bar and you're welcome to join us. Otherwise, I'd be happy to drive you home". If she cuts out during the planned part of the date - like between dinner and the movie, I think that's rude and would stop seeing her if I were you.

I agree with Ruby Pitbull about backing off for a little while, but I think she's being really hard on you, and you don't need to be that hard on yourself. It seems to me like you have been listening to this girl and you have been sensitive, or you wouldn't have forgone the attempts at sex. It sounds like the reason why you're still contacting her is because you really like her, and I understand why it's hard to stop contacting her. I've been in similar situations and I worried, "What if I stop talking to her and she loses interest, or she finds someone new?" It's kind of paradoxical because you think that to keep a person, you should let them know you care, but it doesn't always work out that way, at least in the beginning; I think once a girl is yours you have to let her know what she means, but to start it helps to be a little aloof. I would say to go easy on yourself and try not to call her. Finally, it might be helpful to ask if she's worth your time. So far it seems that you've been unselfish and have worried only about what she wants. I think things should be two-sided; if she freaks about and thinks you are coming too strong, maybe she's not worth your time, you know?

Normally, for a woman,if a man just dates with her for a few times,and then invites her to his home for dinner,and after dinner,he said he has no plans for the rest time,but only stay with her,which definitely means he would like to have sex with her even he does not meant that! So if you really have interest for her, just give her a little space, and "find out" what kind of girl she is,and then take your romantic action! I think once you know her well you will know how to do and how to get her heart!