Hello there,
I randomly came across this website whilst googling the title "I'm in love with a girl that is still in love with her ex boyfriend" (ha, that might be the give away as to why I'm here!)

This is my first post on here, so here goes...

I'm a 27 yr old single male and have been texting a girl (she's 20 btw) for the past 9 months and we speak pretty much daily for hours on end about pretty much everything. We met online a few years back but kind of lost contact for a year or so before I decided to get back in touch. I was so glad that I did, we really hit it off well again and have lots of things in common. She seems to have really grown up a lot and know what she wants from life more so now and that was a big attraction to me! She makes me feel really happy (most of the time, ha) however, after a week or so of texting she told me that she was in a relationship and had been together with him for around a year! I was gutted at the time but decided to stay in touch, as I really felt something was there between us. Although I respected that she was with someone, I could tell that things wasn't going great between them. She said that it was an awkward situation but she wanted to be friends and I had to accept it. I would never try to intentionally break up a relationship anyway, no matter how much I liked someone!

To cut a long story short I developed really strong feelings for her over this time and as painful as it was, having to accept that she was with someone else, I just couldn't walk away from her! Then a few months ago she finished it with her boyfriend! I remember her saying at the time that she wished he was more like me! :)

Anyway we continued to talk daily by text and I just made sure I was there for her! I was pretty surprised she finally finished it with him but so pleased too! (felt like the heavens had opened! ha) But I had to give her time to get over it and just see what happened etc. We would often talk about going for nice walks together yet when it came to arranging something she would always make excuses as to why she couldn't meet me which began to frustrate! Other than that things seemed really lovely between us, felt like we were practically in a relationship yet I would always come to realize that something wasn't right as we only ever spoke via text (in fairness she is a shy type of girl and is most comfortable with this method) however, I just couldn't understand why she wouldn't meet up with me!

A few nights back I finally built up the courage to confront her and was saddened to hear her response for not meeting up as that she doesn't want to mess me about as she likes me too much and that if she was to meet me lots then I would think something might happen between us when she is still getting over wanting to be with someone else and being confused etc. She said it wouldn't be fair!

I've got to be honest since she finished it with her ex boyfriend I have purposely never mentioned him but felt that things were going well with us and in the right direction etc but this has hit me like a train! She said that she's never said that we are anything more than friends, but she has made plenty of innuendo's to suggest otherwise! Felt like a dagger to the heart after all this time I have given up for her! I feel like such an idiot! Feel like the most unluckiest man in love at the moment!

As I'm writing this, it has been two days since we last spoke. I feel like I need time to think! I honestly don't think she wants to hurt me and I know she loves chatting to me but I just think maybe we're looking for different things. I told her this the other night and she said she thinks we're looking for similar things (but I'm ready for things and she's not!) it just really hurts knowing she's in love with someone else! Even if we did eventually get it together, I would always feel second best in my mind now!

I'm so sorry for the length of this post, but I would really appreciate others advice as I just don't know what to do. I've not really got anyone to talk to about it!

Part of me says walk away but it's just not as easy as that. I really do think so much of her but I can't wait forever, and I just feel second best now!

Ha, Thanks so much for listening to me,
Hope to hear from you soon,
S x

I think you walk away from this with your feelings and dignity in tact. She is barley out of her teens and probably was flattered having a guy your age interested in her. She is also probably not over her ex. The fact that she talked to you that long while she was dating speaks volumes.
Leave this alone.

Thanks for reading Homegirl but I wasn't sure exactly what you meant by the following;

"The fact that she talked to you that long while she was dating speaks volumes"

I think unless you are in the situation it's hard to fully understand as every one is different! She is not like your average 20yr old girl, she's quite mature beyond her years actually!

But she loves talking to me although I think I've wondered all along if this is prob because I'm like an emotional support for her! She said she could never talk to her ex like she does with me etc

God I wouldn't wish this horrible feeling on anyone, always seems to happen to me!

You are a friend, a text buddy, always have been but I suppose its normal to want more or have these romantic feelings develop over time. Its all good, you just have to deal with your disappointment, and adjust to the true facts of the situation.

Make a choice, to keep having hope, or focus on other things and JUST be a text buddy. I highly suggest you put your focus else where, and file her away as JUST friends, but NOT in contact everyday, until you accept both being disappointed, and rejected for romance.

Expanding what you do with your time, and where you spend your energy will help keep things in the proper perspective.

What I mean is she was dating someone else yet she was spending a lot of time talking to you. You were either strictly friend status or she had no qualms about talking to a guy while dating another.
I still think she was flattered by the older guy thing.

What I mean is she was dating someone else yet she was spending a lot of time talking to you. You were either strictly friend status or she had no qualms about talking to a guy while dating another.
I still think she was flattered by the older guy thing.

Yes your completely right in what your saying, but she isn't that sort of girl I do know that! In fairness, clearly in her eyes it was just a friendship although I always hoped that if she was to become single, then we could be together!

I'm not saying she is a completely innocent party (if I was in a relationship, I wouldn't text other girls) but we do have abit of history so it wasn't like I was a complete stranger!

Also perhaps I should point out that her boyfriend at the time lived some distance away from her and she was only seeing him every fortnight or so!

As it stands I feel like I want to text her if not one last time just to say how I feel as I haven't replyed to her yet! After nine months I don't think I could walk away from her without getting these feelings off my chest once and for all and leaving the ball in her court!

Thanks again
S x

She made her decision, now you make yours. You want to get it off your chest? Write a letter, wait a day reread it, and burn or delete it. Don't send it. Its bad enough losing what you thought was a friend, but worse to lose one that could not deal with their own feelings. That's what it comes down to.

And what could you possibly accomplish by putting the ball in her court? Handle your dissapointment and rejection responsibly, and know the next situation like this should be handled by NOT chasing after a committed female, and having high hope that are false, and unrealistic, so walk away if you cannot deal with your own feelings in a reasonable way. But don't put your burden on her.

Simply put "Leave her"

Well as it stands I've just practically walked away from her without so much as an explanation. I wouldn't feel right in doing this!

I don't see it as putting my burden on her at all, it's about honesty and just explaining to her that I've decided that I couldn't JUST be a text friend anymore as it's not healthy for me! I think that as hurt as I am right now, you would have to be a pretty cold soul to just walk away without at least an explanation or farewell etc.

If I don't do this, then she will think that I simply don't care and that will make it easy for her to forget about me! She'll think I'm just like most other guys, only after one thing etc etc (when that is genuinely not the case, couldn't be further from the truth!)

I really appreciate the advice everyone, but it's a delicate situation and not as simple as just "leave her" (I don't want a lifetime regretting that I could have said or done something more!)

And as for the letter, I have spent the last few days thinking and putting down how I feel!

It's not all soppy and emotional but just more saying it like it is and the more I read it, the more it makes sense!

I do feel like she should hear it?

Yes by all means do not just walk out. You have to tell her why etc. so you made the right choice in that also.

Good luck

To anyone that remembers this thread (or even cares, ha!) I just thought I would give an update, as to what happened next regarding this situation etc. Although I'm sure many of you could have predicted this last week!

I left the situation for a few days as I felt I needed time to think. If I'm honest, I was a little surprised that she didn't try to text me in this time but I heard nothing at all!

After a few days I sent her a text, half expecting not to get a reply from her but she got back to me pretty quickly to be fair. She said she didn't think I would talk to her again and that she thought I'd just had enough? After beating around the bush for a couple of texts, I just told her basically that I didn't want to fall out with her but I didn't realise that she is still wanting someone else and that changes everything! I said that I don't think that it's a healthy situation to be in etc!

Her response was that she agreed! She said " but that's just how it is i'm afraid." She did say, that she knows she's a fool for wanting someone that is no good for her etc!

To be honest that's all I needed to hear, at least I can walk away from this now with no regrets once and for all! As far as I'm concerned I did nothing wrong really but there was nothing more that I could do! I know that in hindsight I shouldn't have pursued her knowing that she was in a relationship however, at that time I was very lonely and did honestly think that we could be just friends if nothing else! I guess the real confusion came when she spilt with her partner, as I felt that this was the sign that she wanted to be with me? But it wasn't to be!

There are certainly still one or two question marks that remain, for example how could someone go from being so friendly and loving towards me over the past few months to just so cold in an instant when you haven't even done anything wrong to them? It was as if someone just flicked a switch on her almost! She always seemed to be quite clingy to our friendship if nothing else so I'm surprised that she seems ready to let it go!

I guess that she is going through abit of a tough time with regards to getting over her ex! Lots of doubts by the sound of it! And for all I know whose to say that she's not ready to make another go at it? I mean that would explain a lot about her behaviours recently! And the fact that I'm not prepared to talk to her about him etc is probably making it hard for her as she doesn't have too many friends!

The other being that although I have no interest in ever contacting her again, will she? And what do I do if she does contact me?

God, I'm going off on one again so I'll stop here!

Thanks again all for your comments (no matter how brief, ha!)
I wish you all well
S x

Stay out of the friend zone, because you just ain't ready for just friends. Your heart makes you out of control, and carried away, so NC is made for you. Do it right, and reap the benefits. No more half a$$ing.

But you already know that's just what you been doing.

QUOTE by talaniman;

Do it right, and reap the benefits. No more half a$$ing.

Thanks, but what would you define as reaping the benefits?

Letting go of the past, and embracing the future, and building a healthy life that you enjoy. Not being stuck on someone that's not stuck on you. I could go on.