Hi all. This will be somewhat long as there's just so much to this.

I am the older sister, by 4 years. She's 25 I'm 29. I found out she was bulimic when she was 13. We've been through a lot as teens and as young adults. I'll speak of her trials first as this is about her. I feel we had a nice childhood (great mother, father was a jerk at times, but nothing terrible) Our parents got a divorce soon after my sister turned 14. My mom left in a desperate attempt to rebuild her life and be happy (our dad wasn't the best husband). Our mother was in the mindset that my sister and I didn't need her anymore, which of course was false, but my sister fed into that belief and acted like she didn't need anyone (which of course, I know was all false). Soon after (about a year) my mother commit suicide. My sister and I handled it completely different. I went through the usual courses of grief. I went and took care of her funeral 15 hours away from our home where my mom had lived (I was 19). My sister on the other hand never cried about her, acted like she was "over it" the very day we found out of her death. Didn't go to the funeral.

After that I lost close track of her as I tried to move away and be my own person. I had my own struggles, living with an abusive person, becoming a single mother. My sister and I were not that close, and she was actively in the "I need no one" mode. She was living with my dad and became more and more mired in her sickness. She DESTROYED 2 of my fathers houses with her vomit. He worked sometimes 16 hours a day, and he would come home to find hidden puke in closets, under the couse, sometimes she would just vomit on the floor and leave it. She would eat everything in the house. My father had to just up and short sell the first house because of this problem, then moved into the next, a rental (of which was the second one she ruined).

My father is not the best equipped to be a parent, and he absolutely did not handle things perfectly (but please refrain from father judgement, I really want help on what to do with my sister). He DID try though, he sent her to the best therapists, he even went with her. He sent her to multiple eating disorder clinics. NONE of which helped even the slightest. The final clinic she went to; the ver best in California, actually SENT HER HOME EARLY because she wasn't "Sick Enough", which brings me to the next issue with my sister... she is a chronic liar. She can persuade almost any situation to make people believe what she's saying. Sometimes she says things that are blatantly untrue. To the point where you have absolute proof but she denies it. My father told me that time and time again at clinics she would "talk her way out" of them. So at age 17, after all his attempts, and after 2 ruined houses, after all the lies, he told my sister to leave.

At this point *I* thought she was just living with her boyfriend and whenever I saw her, she told me she was happy and fine living in a nice place, and all is hunky dory. And of course, she told me she was no longer bulimic. ALL were lies. She was actually homeless, living out of a tent on campgrounds with her boyfriend. She was rampantly still sick. I was wrapped up in my own crap, and as she seemed fine at the time, I never followed up to be sure she was okay.

Let me fast forward to today, about 10 years later. She eventually went into the air force, went abroad, and seemed to be doing well. She let onto me and my father the military was in control of her situation and keeping her "well". She made it once again sound like she was happy and well. I noticed some disturbing things in our talks over the years though (we only talked on the phone for about 5 years). For once, she was NEVER SINGLE. Not even for a day, since age 14. Once I gathered the courage to ask her about that, one day when she was in the middle of another breakup, but (surprise surprise) there was another guy waiting in the wings. She almost proudly admitted she has never been single, and that she had been proposed to no less than 23 times (she was only 22 at this time). It became apparent to me this was not right, and I know now that it's because she KNOWS how to manipulate a man into loving her, but once the excitement of the engagement wears off, and they get to know her better, they always break up. This went on and on for years, until finally she met this guy in the AF. They got married in a city hall after a few months of knowing each other, and she got pregnant shortly after.

I was frightened of her getting pregnant. For one I didn't believe fully she was well, despite her telling me she was. I was pregnant at the time too with my second son. So I was looking forward to sharing this experience with her, but I soon figured out that something was wrong with her and her pregnancy. She was obsessed with her weight the whole time. Not just regular worried about weight... I mean *obsessed*. She talked about how she "just never ate because she was never hungry". Then started the hospital stays. She would always call with a dire message that she was horribly sick because of this and that and had to be hospitalized. She made it sound like it was because of random difficulties with being pregnant, but I looked up the issues and found bulimia to be the main cause of these "random difficulties". I lost major respect for her there as I KNEW she was still bulimic, even while pregnant. As a mother, this was as bad as drinking or smoking when pregnant.

So she has the baby, she seems happy for awhile. Though she's already talking about choosing to go abroad and leaving her baby for over a year. I ask if she's forced to do so, and she said she's volunteering to do it. She could stay home, but decides not to. I cannot understand abandoning your little baby, but I come to terms that it's her decision and her life so never say anything.

She gets a divorce from her husband a little over a year after their marriage.

This was all only a couple years ago. She came to visit me for the first time last year. I was very excited. At the time; yet again; she had me convinced she was well. I wanted to reconnect. However when she actually arrived I realized she was as bad as ever. She obsessed constantly about food. She would disappear in to the bathrooms. She would be in severe "dark moods" for long periods. She was never happy. She was obsessed about some guy, as usual. The whole trip was uncomfortable. She would stare critically at what I was eating every meal. I was in the middle of losing my pregnancy weight so it made me uncomfortable. She would exercise twice a day during the visit. If she missed a time, she would talk nonstop about there weight and self image until she could either exercise (or disappear into a bathroom). By the time she left I was emotionally exhausted. And just so... so sad for her.

Finally there was the visit late last year. I begged her to bring her daughter so I could finally meet my niece. She usually leaves her whenever she can, despite the façade that she wants to spend as much time with her daughter as possible. She bring her. This is where I lost the most respect for my sister.

Her daughter was obese. I mean OBESE. To the point that the 2 year old couldn't walk right, or climb anything like an active 2 year old should be able to. When my niece wanted her mommy my sister would give her food. My sister would force feed her when she didn't want to eat. In the middle of the night my niece would wake up, my sister would take her a sandwich. A FULL sandwich. My sister had mentioned my nieces weight before I met her, and blamed genetics, or the grandparents, but I knew now it was my sister making my niece into an obese child. She only force fed in front of me once. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do. I felt it was child abuse, but then I still didn't know what to do. I tried to talk to my sister about it and got my head bit off in anger.

And yes, the whole time she was bulimic at my house. Of which she promised she wouldn't be. When confronted about it later she confessed to doing it ONCE at my house, of which I have proof of multiple times. Of course she stuck to her story and lied through her teeth at me.

Since she left it's been the same old same old. She had constant hospital visits (or so she tells me, but now I think they are lies because she can never remember them when I ask about them later). She insists she's always got something wrong with her that she's about to die, of which I am sure might have a ring of truth because she's so bulimic. She moved back to the US finally, but she met some guy online, and guess what? She's engaged and they're to be married soon. She wants to come visit me again, I can tell she wants me to be this happy supportive sister that is excited about her engagement.

The problem is I've lost respect for her. I felt bad for her before she had her daughter, but now that I've seen her choose herself over her daughter time and time again, and what she's doing to her child with the food, I cannot respect her. I almost hate her for it. I cannot be excited about there engagement, because this is the umpteenth time she's been engaged and about to get married. I am severely worried about the GUY though, because he's actually a decent man with 2 daughters. He has a career, is super nice, and I see my sister playing him like a fiddle. Her own personal fiddle. Over the last decade I see what she does. She wrings the situation (and the man) for every last ounce of excitement, attention, and drama she can get before discarding him. I don't want it to happen to this man, he's a great person.

So I don't know what to do now. I do still love her, and I want the best for her, but it's too painful to be around her for me. I cannot trust what she says, as half of it is lies. I cannot respect her as a mother, and watch how she treats my niece. I cannot be excited at the prospect of her ruining another mans life. I cannot be the sister she expects me to be until she gets better.

And the final issue is that, she's CONVINCED she cannot make herself better. She says she NEED people to make her better. The military finally caught wise to her bulimia and tried to place her in a good facility to help her and what happened? She talked her way out early and has been staying with her boyfriend (when she told me she was still in the facility, btw).

I have been through a lot myself. Abusive relationships, severe depression, suicidal thoughts, single motherhood, almost died because of a cancerous tumor. I was even bulimic for a year before stopping completely. It was a long climb for me to find happiness, of which I have now and am working to stay there. I have a lovely family, a career I excel at, and a husband that is wonderful. I am happy. But being through bulimia myself, I understand it IS you that has to decide to stop. The mental aspects take years to work on, but the actions CAN stop all at once, it only takes the WANT to do it. The dedication to your family and children. To being happy and focusing on what's important. My sister does not believe this, she plays the helpless victim card and insists she cannot do it herself.

So this is where I'm at. I know there's nothing I can do for her bulimia. I have tried too much over the last decade to help her, to support her, to love her, all of it to no avail. Now her being in my life I feel is clawing at the tentative happiness I've finally attained. I want to be happy and I feel incapable of taking on her health problems, her lies, her drama, and the way she treats her child.

I feel I've chosen myself over her, which I feel insanely guilty about, but then should I really? I have not even listed a fifth of my attempts to be there for her. I didn't even explain just how ANGRY she is at the world at everyone in it. Being around her is a drain on my life. I don't even want her around my children.

Now I'm crying typing this all.. . how horrible am I? How terrible am I to finally have enough and just want to be happy? I've tried to tell her in so may words I *cannot* be that sister she wants until she is well. She said she understood, but she still talks to me like usual, like things are well, and things are happy, and she's excited about her upcoming marriage, and is expecting me to be happy about it, and feel rotten not replying with the happiness I WANT to show for my sister that she's getting married... but this isn't the my sister, this is someone who's taken over the sister I love and turned her into someone I cannot be around.

What do I do... :( How should I feel?

Thank you for a very well written summary of what has been going on in your life, particularly with your sister.

She has had opportunities over the years, to attend therapy and inpatient care, yet it seems she has not decided herself, to change. No amount of therapy or help will do any good, as you know, unless a person wants to change.

The lies and coverups to me, say that she is well aware, and in control, of how she chooses to live her life. Not what you or anyone else would wish for her, but that is what she has chosen.

That being said, I think you are doing all the right things, and you have the knowledge and experience yourself to know exactly what it is like to have unresolved mental health issues. That makes you a very astute support for your sister, but again and again, she chooses not to accept any support.

Her little two year old, is another matter entirely. If your sister were alcoholic instead of bulimic, and the child was malnourished and ill from lack of care, any reasonable person would report this for investigation.

I urge you to contact the CPS/CAS (not sure where you are). Ask to meet with an investigative counsellor, and then bring a copy of your post here. Clearly the health, or lack of, of the child's mother, is directly affecting the development of the little girl. In so doing, you ARE helping, by seeking help.

Easy? No it isn't. But, to sit and do nothing, you are enabling your sister, to continue parenting this little girl into a mess of physical and psychological problems. It is clear she is unable to live a healthy life herself, and under the circumstances you describe, the little girl is also suffering.

As to dealing with your sister, I don't know what else to tell you, except to let her know that when she is ready to admit she has a problem, and starts herself to get into therapy to begin to change, you will not allow her to affect your life. When and if it ever happens that she can become healthy under her own steam, you will be there for her.

But, again, I urge you to seek advice and guidance on making sure that things change for the better for your niece.

Thank you SO MUCH for this. You've no idea. I am glad I managed to write it all somewhat coherently, there's just *so much* to this story and I'm so emotionally compromised because of it. It's grew to know that it made sense, and I sincerely appreciate you making your way through it and giving your well thought advice.

To get straight to my niece, this particularly has been tearing me apart for many reasons. I am totally unsure of what is the correct way to handle this. When she force fed her that one time, I almost called child services, but help back simply because I had not seen her force feed her before, and she hasn't done it since in front of me. I was still trying to build a full observation of my sister as a parent before I didn't something drastic like that, but I'm seeing now maybe I should have just done it.

The other reason I hold back is because the niece is often with her grandparents now for long periods, who my sister says love and take good care of her (quite the opposite of what she used to tell me they were, so who knows what's true) but my observations of them is that they truly do care for my niece and are wary of my sister so I felt that for the most part she must be in capable hands.

My sister has often tried to get my niece to stay with me for long periods. I know that this would become a permanent stay, based on knowing my sister. I want that so badly. I want to give my niece a good life, I know I could be there for her and be loving, and my other 2 year old would love her. I want this opportunity. BUT I can barely juggle my career and my own children as it is. I do no exaggerate in that there is no possible way to successfully take on another child right now without giving up the career and life for our children my husband and I have worked so hard to build. It was heartbreaking to not take her in right now, but my husband and I are working hard to get to a point where we COULD possibly take her permanently if the need raised.

However... I am terribly worried about one thing. I know I will raise her and love her like my own daughter. Something I've wanted since I was a little girl was a to have a daughter (I have two wonderful boys right now!). I know I can give her a loving childhood once I can get to that point... but I'm afraid of my sister coming into the picture. Of taking her back. Of being a horrible influence on her own daughter. But then... she's NOT my daughter, she's my niece... so I would have no say or right over anything. I'm just so confused about what to do.

So I'm in this horrible limbo of hurt for my niece, and not sure what to do. However right now I believe my niece is happy and well, mainly because the man my sister is engaged to (the good one) is now living with her, and I know he will not go along with any bad treatment of my niece. So I feel confident that, for the moment, until this relationship runs its course, my niece is happy and safe. I have tentative hoped (albeit small) that this marriage will work out and he will make sure my niece is always taken care of.

So even then, should I call someone do you think? Should I try talking to her fiancée more about this? He's totally lovestruck right now, so I feel anything I say will be instantly struck down by my sister, and then she will just hate me... but then would that even matter now?

Ugh... so confused.

Anyway, thank you so much for the validation that there's nothing I can do for her illness. It really is what she centers her life around, and I feel I cannot allow that in my life anymore. It's like poison, seeping it's way into my family. But then there's my niece... again... ugh.

Thank you again :) I will think more on what you have told me.

Oh and sorry for the typos! I write way too fast, then autcorrect changes the words. :)

You obviously are a good and caring person, and so are suffering (too much) guilt and responsibility as a sister. As an aunt it must be harder still, but I think you need to let the new events determine for now what will be next for the child. This isn't the time to be calling social services. You don't say how far away you will be from her, or if she will no longer live with her grandparents, but I would keep in touch as an aunt as much as you can.
I wonder how much contact you have with the grandparents? Perhaps the girl's pediatrician needs to know that her obesity isn't physiological. Also, how much time did your sister spend with her in order to get her so fat? Do you see signs that the child is wanting to overeat on her own? What do the grandparents have to say about it?

You obviously are a good and caring person, and so are suffering (too much) guilt and responsibility as a sister. As an aunt it must be harder still, but I think you need to let the new events determine for now what will be next for the child. This isn't the time to be calling social services. You don't say how far away you will be from her, or if she will no longer live with her grandparents, but I would keep in touch as an aunt as much as you can.

Hello! :) And thank you for the thoughtful, supportive response.

That has been my biggest confusion, is how I'm *supposed* to feel. Is it wrong that I feel so fed up? Am I supposed to stick with her and support her at the expense of my own family? I don't think so... but I feel so very guilty because I feel like I'm turning my back selfishly on both my sister and my niece.

So it really helps hearing outside opinions on this, thank you :)


I wonder how much contact you have with the grandparents?

None, I've only heard things about them through my sister, and watched their interactions with my sister on Facebook, and other social sites. They really seem loving.

I live on the east coast and she now lives in Oklahoma, the grandparents live in Ohio, and have my niece ever couple months for long stretches. They are quite large themselves, which made me wonder that they were the culprit for my nieces weight, but after seeing my sister with her there's no doubt in my mind it's her. My sister also said that she wants her daughter to eat whatever she wants, whenever. Doesn't want to deny her food, and wants to accept her just as she is, and was VERY adamant about it (she is about a lot of things actually). I could tell there was major underlying issues speaking out there.

It just broke my heart to see my niece crying for momma and have my sister ask her repeatedly and increasingly frustrated if she was hungry and wanted a sandwich. And the poor girl after awhile would just say yes, to get her mother for a few minutes while she makes her a sandwich... my poor niece :( I just want so badly for her to have a happy, healthy childhood.


Perhaps the girl's pediatrician needs to know that her obesity isn't physiological. Also, how much time did your sister spend with her in order to get her so fat?

She would spend long stretches with my sister, and long stretches with the grandparents (months). Seeing pictures of my niece online, she's always been very large. I don't know how the grandparents treat her food-wise, but I KNOW what my sister feeds her, and how much, so I know she is a huge factor there.

I don't know what the grandparents think of this, as I've never talked to them.


Do you see signs that the child is wanting to overeat on her own?

My niece would only say she was hungry if she couldn't get my sister to go play with her, or be with her. My sister would ignore her, playing on the computer, unless my niece would say she was hungry, then my sister would get up and feed her.

Basically anytime my niece wanted her mom, she got food instead. :(


What do the grandparents have to say about it?

Ugh, can't edit. I forgot to edit out that last question!