Hello whoever is reading this,
This is basically my story of when I think this…thing started and up till now during recent times. I’m not sure what this is but if it is something more serious I guess I’ll have to find a way to deal with it but if it’s not…then sorry for wasting anyone’s time.
When I was younger (around 7-8 I'm 15 now) I realized that I was being treated differently by my classmates and teachers (my mom was a teacher there) and many bullied me and called me names. Ironically, my mom was a counselor there and when I went to her she told me she could not help me and that I should deal with my problems by myself. Years passed and I got used to the bullying so much that if somebody said something hurtful and one of my "friends" (I went to an international school so I never had any real friends) would say "that's really mean" and I would be like "really?" because I had gotten used to it. After a while, I started getting suicidal and when I admitted this to my mom, she had me go through therapy where these "therapists" found out that I had "brain damage" as well so they prescribed a drug. After that, everything kept on going down the wrong path because I got so depressed about what was happening that I failed 8th grade on purpose so that I could get rid of my other classmates.
At home it was already bad enough because my parents were badgering me about school and grades but also me and my mom had these occasional verbal clashes that made me very angry because she would spout some garbage about her having an "energy drain" and make me so angry. If I said something to her, she would act all innocent and then when we argued, she would turn my words against me and be like "I thought you said that you were going to do this..." and when I said that I did, she would take my stuff and rip it up and act all triumphant. Last year (I re-did 8th grade) I couldn't stand my school anymore because I was getting different treatment from the teachers and students and I purposefully failed so that I could leave the school (I'm doing Homeschooling now) and move on.
Lately, I've been having stomach problems and when I went to the doctor she asked me "are you OK?" and I answered "of course" and she said "No, I mean are you really OK?" and I said "well my stomach has been hurting a lot and I've been throwing up a lot and I haven't gotten that much sleep for the last 5 months" and she said "how is your relationship with your parents?" and I answered "we get into a lot of arguments and they blame me for almost everything that happens and If I try to answer back, they "punish" me and get angry at me for almost everything and tell me that I will have some crappy job when I grow up and then tell me that "I'm a b**** and that I'm worth s*** and no wonder nobody likes me" and she looked in one of her books and was like "It seems that you have been subjected to a huge amount of stress and peer pressure because that is the only reasonable explanation because you don't seem sick at all" and so she said "If you need anything call me". (I wasn't surprised about the stress thing because my parents are perfectionists and only care about what I do and not who I am). Even though they "did all of this stuff for me" I sometimes get the feeling they do that so that if I start to "break away" they would say "but we did all of this stuff for you and this is how you repay us?" and if I say "all you do is blame me" they would say "stop trying to run away from the problem and stop blaming other people for your problems"
One day, I completely snapped and I started yelling at my mom after she ripped my stuff up and burned it and I said “why do you treat me like this? Have I done something to you? All I ever tried to do was make you proud and you always put me down and tell me to solve my problems on my own but how can you give me this kind of advice when you can't solve your own problems? You buy books for your counselor classes but use your "methods" on me first. Are you happy now? Because all you ever say in defense is "I have supported you all this time.” but really have you? Have you supported me like you have made yourself believe? Because you only see the results of what I do and not how I feel. "
I don’t know if this has anything to do with my overall problem but, when my art teacher asked me if I have ever been hit I answered the only time I have ever been hit was when my dad came home drunk and beat me (this never happened again) and when I accidentally elbowed my mom in the side (I did not use any force at all) and she told me not to do it and I asked why and she said do it again and you’ll see and so I did it again and she slapped me really hard and she said “that’s why”. This probably led to why I hated being touched at first I would shy away and not allow them to touch me and then it escalated to a larger scale where I wouldn’t let my friends touch me.
Some weeks ago, I talked to my art teacher who has gone through similar problems and she told me when I’m 18, I should get a job and “get the hell out of there”. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m at my limit for patience. When I speak to other people about this, they tell me to report them but I don’t live in the US (I live in Bulgaria where the child services are very poor) and so I think that my best bet would be to leave when I’m 18.
I don’t know if this has anything to do with my overall problem but, when my art teacher asked me if I have ever been hit I answered the only time I have ever been hit was when my dad came home drunk and beat me (this never happened again) and when I accidentally elbowed my mom in the side (I did not use any force at all) and she told me not to do it and I asked why and she said do it again and you’ll see and so I did it again and she slapped me really hard and she said “that’s why”. This probably led to why I hated being touched at first I would shy away and not allow them to touch me and then it escalated to a larger scale where I wouldn’t let my friends touch me.
Thank you for reading this and I hope I have not wasted anyone’s time.
-Nicole

Nicole, you are not wasting anyone's time. Although your story is unique, it has many common threads with other 15 year olds. I'm not sure why a student of 7 or 15 or any age should be bullied because their mom is a teacher or counselor, but since you are in another country at an international school, I will give some credence to the fact that maybe there is something behind that. Do you have any clues as to how other teachers feel about her? Could you feel safe confiding in the art teacher who sounds kind?
It's possible that you developed a personality as a result of how you were raised that lends itself to bullying. It's hard to put a finger on what that kind of person would be, but it seems to have a lot to do with a sort of fearful and passive look, and the inability to roll with the punches or give retorts when teased. Most kids tease, and if not teased back, some of them see it as an opening to bully.
As for abuse, unless your parent(s) hit you or starve you or lock you in a closet, etc, the criticisms, yelling, and put downs are not legal grounds for a case of abuse. I don't know the laws in Bulgaria but it's probably similar to the US.
I take it you decided that being homeschooled (by whom?) is preferable to school. What are your plans for 9th grade? Do you have any relatives your parents would let you live with to finish high school, and would take you?
I too had a perfectionist mother who couldn't be pleased. I managed to get through high school with good grades just to please her, or try to, but when I left home it hit me that she couldn't be pleased because nothing made her happy. It became a lifelong process to please myself, who didn't really exist.
I hope you will reply to my questions, and add some more.

I agree with much of what Joy has to say, and would like to add a few thoughts.

There is no guarantee that you will have a happy childhood, from the minute you are born. No parent is without falt and regret. Some parents are unable to parent, regardless of how many books they've read, or how 'qualified' they are with other people. How often do we hear of plumbers who can't fix their own leaky sink.

Many, many people grow up with less than perfect parents. Many grow up with far worse than what you have lived through. The point being, that your upbringing has nothing to do with who you will be as an adult.

Indeed, in my experience I have found that those with less than stellar childhood's are acutely aware of what they lived through, and as a result of their own experiences, live entirely different, and healthier lives. And, are much better parents too.

You don't have to accept, in other words, that what you have lived through, and will live through for some time to come, will shape the way you will eventually decide to live your life. When you are an adult, you call the shots, make your own decisions, and answer only to yourself. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

At the moment, I don't see where it does you any good not to have a plan in place for the immediate future. If there is an aunt, grandparent, etc. seek their help in perhaps allowing you to reside in their home. Seek counselling through your family Doctor (who seems very helpful), and find a compatible therapist/counsellor who can help you deal with the anger and disappointment. I think it is understandable that you would want a counsellor other than your mother!

In the meanwhile, consider writing out a diary. Keep it somewhere where it cannot be found. Write in it every single day. Put your thoughts, observations, situations you find yourself in, etc. down in writing, pen and paper. Pay due observation to how you managed to solve a problem, or avoid a confrontation. Try to find something positive in every day that you can see even the smallest accomplishment.

Consider exercise. At the same time, every day. Ride a bike, go for a swim, visit a library with a book, or homework. Spend a determined amount of time OUT of the house, doing something for yourself, that is productive, and something that will not stir up a confrontation at home.

It takes an effort, every day, for anyone of any age to overcome hardship. There is much you can do for yourself to improve your outlook and your life. When we get stalled, and in that negative place, it is sometimes easier to stay there, rather than to make small changes.

You are into art, and as an artist, maybe find the beauty around you, outside your normal routine. Take a sketch pad to a local park, or beach. Spend some quiet time by yourself, away from problems, and rejuvinate yourself

I appreciate what you are going through, and many will agree, most of us have had questionable parents, but, as you get older you will see that no parent has a 'how to' book, or special skills when they bring babies into the world. There are no guarantees, but I assure you, there are many regrets on how our mistakes affected our children.

Try a little harder, to separate yourself from the situation at home, by being more productive and insightful about your thoughts, and how you deal with them. Start planning ahead, with high school right around the corner, and decide that no matter what, you will work hard, and reach your goals, without anyone elses' steam, but your own. Before you know it, you will begin to think about what happens after high school, and what direction you want to go.

One step at a time.

I'm happy that you answered, to start with the answers, the teachers at my old school kind of viewed my mom as a "weird" person. My art teacher was very kind as to listen to what I had to say and I appreciate that. I know that the teasing is not bullying but sometimes what people say can be hurtful and usually I tell them that that wasn't very nice. I really don't mind if they tease me but it sometimes builds up and it depresses me. I decided to do homeschooling because I am not a very social person to begin with and posting this was a huge thing for me but yeah, I chose to do homeschooling because I couldn't concentrate in my old school and I'm doing a lot better in this system. My plans for the 9th grade are to get through it successfully and continue on through high school and university. I don't have any relatives that could take me in and most of them are caught up in their own problems.
Thank you so much for... reading what I have to say and it means a lot to me!

Thank you for answering,I try to get out of the house as much as I can (I train track, walk a dog and just wander around). I do have plans for the future and I know that nobody is perfect and there is no such thing as a "perfect parent" I also know that from my parent's side the story could be different. I do write but in the form of poetry and quotes. Sometimes I draw just to take my mind off things (this really helps) and relaxes me. When I socialize with other people, I don't let what happens at home get in the way but sometimes I find myself being cautious around people and not really trusting them until after a while (is this normal?).
Thank you for answering :)

Yes, you sound normal, you write well, you sound like once you get away from home you will have a better time.
I did tons of reading in high school. I probably read more books then than I did in the next 25 years.
There's a few poems I memorized long ago that I say back in my mind when stress hits.
One is the Song of Wandering Aengus, by Yeats.
Do you have one, or one you wrote?

Thanks, (I really don't know how to address people on the internet)
Well I sometimes write poems and quotes but that is it. I have never tried to write anything else. Although I do have a favorite quote, I don't think that I have a favorite poem. Yet.
“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
-Maya Angelou
Well... here are two of my quotes that I wrote
"Life is too short to dwell on what other people are doing, the only thing that matters is what YOU do about it."
-Me
I try to do reading because it inspires me to write and gets my creativity level up.

Yes, you sound normal, you write well, you sound like once you get away from home you will have a better time.
I did tons of reading in high school. I probably read more books then than I did in the next 25 years.
There's a few poems I memorized long ago that I say back in my mind when stress hits.
One is the Song of Wandering Aengus, by Yeats.
Do you have one, or one you wrote?

Wouldn't it be nice to have Maya Angelou as our mother?
I suppose she can be, even if she doesn't know it.
As for being mothers ourselves, I remember talking with my sister about how we didn't have much of a role model and whether we could be good mothers. She decided to put her heart and soul into being a good one, and was. I decided not to have children.
Can you imagine being a mother? Or more broadly, can you imagine being totally free in your mind, to be your own person?

It would be nice to have her as a mother, even better, as a friend. I really don't have a role model. I don't want kids but I do enjoy being around them (although my views might change). As for being free, I would love that, and I would love to be my own person and not be influenced by anyone else.

Wouldn't it be nice to have Maya Angelou as our mother?
I suppose she can be, even if she doesn't know it.
As for being mothers ourselves, I remember talking with my sister about how we didn't have much of a role model and whether we could be good mothers. She decided to put her heart and soul into being a good one, and was. I decided not to have children.
Can you imagine being a mother? Or more broadly, can you imagine being totally free in your mind, to be your own person?

You not only write well, you also have a lot of wisdom. I didn't have that when I was your age. I thought the whole world acted and it was my job to react in response after figuring out what they wanted. It never occurred to me to act first. Part of having a mind of your own. As you said, 'the only thing that matters is what YOU do about it.' That's not easy to put into practice when you've been raised without the power to make many decisions.

At one point I thought that way too, but then I realized that everybody is different and reacts in their own way, whether they mean it in the good way or bad way. I remember practically taking care of myself when I was younger because both of my parents were working. I guess that taught me to be independent up to some extent but I always had to go back and "check" with my parents to see if most of the stuff I did was OK.

You not only write well, you also have a lot of wisdom. I didn't have that when I was your age. I thought the whole world acted and it was my job to react in response after figuring out what they wanted. It never occurred to me to act first. Part of having a mind of your own. As you said, 'the only thing that matters is what YOU do about it.' That's not easy to put into practice when you've been raised without the power to make many decisions.

Ideal parenting is so rare. Children with not enough direction might crave it (or maybe go wild); those getting too much control might crave the right to make decisions (and maybe go wild).
Perhaps there's a future for you advising others, even now.

I wouldn't be too sure, I'm not really a peoples person and prefer being alone or with one friend. Many people become puzzled and ask me why and I just tell them I'm not too sure myself. I enjoy solitude.