My name's.. Well I don't really want to say that on here.. I'll just get it over with.

I'm sixteen, nearly seventeen, and I'm facing an extremely harsh onslaught of depression.

My parents are divorced- rather my step-father and mother are divorced, my real father lives in New Jersey and I've only met him once.

My head has been buzzing the last few days. I feel like.. I wake up heavy. I feel worn out, old, and I'm only sixteen. I legitimately would like to see, just one person, just one, care.

I feel beyond pathetic writing this. I mean hell it's the Internet isn't it? Not the best place to share this stuff.

My school counseler doesn't do crap. She's basically as good as the type that goes, "And how does that make you feel?.."

"Depressed, you pathetic excuse for a psychiatrist."

The above statement isn't actually something I've said to her. I'm too conscious of my actions for that.

I'm debating suicide. I'm not calling a hotline, I don't have a phone. I'm not poor but I'm not well off either. I have decent grades. I broke up with my girlfriend of two years after learning she's been flirting with guys heavily. The one girl I actually find myself caring about is basically a social recluse and considers me a brother despite being her first male friend.

I'm not ugly, I'm actually pretty handsome, and that's not vanity speaking, just self-awareness.

I need help.

I need someone to talk to.

Even if it's just on skype, I've no-one in reality. I legitimately considered suicide tonight.

That's the only reason I'm posting this..

Please help..

Suicide is never the answer. My best friend who was 18 committed suicide last year over depression. You hurt more people then you could imagine. You need to go to a doctor or you can talk to a therapist.

I don't have the means to do either. To be blunt, I'm at a point where I couldn't care less about hurting others with my death. Yes I'm feeling selfish, but I want an out.

Talk. I'm here and listening.

I feel alone. Cliché and all I know, I've a mother and a father so in that sense I'm not alone, but where it counts?. I'm no longer asked how my day went. I've walked by them pale, in a cold sweat from anxiety over my future, wandered upstairs and simply laid down until I fell asleep, and I don't get even the slightest of glances.

My chest feels tight from the emotional rampage going on in me. Looking at it it doesn't even seem like a real thing it's so intense.

I'm sort of losing my mind. Or feeling like I do. Genuine insanity does run in my family and it's usually caused by intense distress.

I'm scared, feeling alone, depressed to the point of exhaustion, and have no clue what to do.

Is there a teacher you like and trust who would listen and help?

Only one but I've no desire to make her a part of that side of my life.

So then what if you refuse to get help that's right in front of you?

How about if I post the suicide/depression hotline number. Would you find a phone and call it and talk with someone?

We can do only so much via the Internet and with writing back and forth here. Of course, if I could and if I knew where you live and you asked me to, I would drive over to your house and sit down with you twice a week until we got this figured out*. But I can't do that.

*I'm a renegade (professional) counselor.

So when you were 14 you had a girl friend that flirted with others, I am sorry but at 14 dating is just a leaning and yes at that point in your life and even now, you are learning about dating and relationships, some work, many don't, you date, you break up but you don't stop trying because the future ones may or may not last.

And the issue with your mom and step dad is theirs, it comes from choices both made, and they shared that time together.

You appear to want to feel sorry for yourself and not willing to talk about this in real life to real people.

A school counselor is not always a expert for depression, they are a start and they help you find professional help. You have a school teacher to talk with, but don't want to.
You don't want to call a 800 hot line where there are people, many who give of their own time to help others, but don't want to get the help.

So what do you want ?

"Depressed, you pathetic excuse for a psychiatrist."
Actually, if you were my client, that is EXACTLY what I would want you to say to me. That would push me out of my comfort zone and make me reassess where you are coming from and what you need.

And I'm wondering why you don't have access to a phone.

"So what do you want ?"

To be happy. I'm not dumb enough to actually commit suicide but it's not stopping the thoughts from entering my head. Yeah I know the relationship was idiotic at best, but believe me, sitting down and caring for someone that long, especially at my age, and not getting an ounce back..

Yeah I don't know why I didn't just leave. We weren't sexual. We barely hung out.

I know for a fact I could've gotten another equally attractive, probably more interesting girl.

But I didn't want someone else. It was only when she spent the night at some other guy's place that I finally quit it.

---

Wondergirl, the reason I don't have a phone is because my grades dropped so low that my parents basically cut me off every piece of technology I own. Since then I've brought them back up, but my mom's got trust issues, therefore no phone for me.

I don't honestly know why I'm feeling this way. My brain's telling me it's because there's so much **** going on that any sane person would be broken up over it, but I don't know.

I've come to terms with a lot of things lately. How selfish people are. How one word can easily mean another when spoken in the right context.

Just.. even normal talking. Small talk. Making conversation at it's most basic level is becoming more and more complex for me due to the storm going on in my head.

Maybe Fr.'s right and I just want to feel sorry for myself.

A part of me genuinely believes I've a right to be.

I'm underaged so I can't change the environment around me. My mom's not open to discussions, my step-dad barely hits me up anymore because of his new fiancé.

My sister's just too young to turn to.

I don't really know anymore.

You do know what a terrific writer you are, don't you? (as reflected in your screen name?)

Tell me about you and writing.

And I thought for sure you'd ask me what kind of counseling I do that I am a renegade. Oh, well.

I actually was a bit curious but I tend to try and mind my own business about other people's lives. It almost seems as though you wanted to be asked about it, though, so I'll ask.

What kind of counceling does a renegade do?

As for my writing, I'm surprised you managed to land on my biggest hobby.

Writing was something I got into by accident, funnily enough. When I was thirteen or twelve I stumbled onto a free-form role-playing website, the non-sexual kind of course. I found it fascinating that people could adopt so many different characters and just abandon reality for awhile.

So that's what I started to do.

At first my literary skills were subpar at best. But over time I began taking classes in school that focused more on prose fiction and non-fiction. To this date my favorite sentence was written by a man named E. G. White. I believe it was something along the lines of "It was then I felt the chill of death in my loins".

Apparently he meant he realized he was growing older and wouldn't be able to have anymore children.

Why are you asking about my writing anyhow?

Also thank you for the compliment. That was a kind gesture.

Did you name yourself Wondergirl because you enjoy the idea of helping people?

You have not because you ask not. Believing you shall receive. From the Bible. Ask God to release the heaviness and to renew your mind. Try to see what is positive in your life. We are not alone on the Earth even though we all have felt it at one time or another. When I get down, I talk to Jesus like I am writing to you, and he does answer. Death is not the end But an eternal beginning. Dark times will come and go, just as good times will , It is always darkest before the dawn. So hang in there, and eventually the only way things can go is up.

I actually was a bit curious but I tend to try and mind my own business about other people's lives.
Ah, and there's the rub!

It almost seems as though you wanted to be asked about it, though, so I'll ask.
I was tryring to be provocative, so glad you picked up on that.

What kind of counseling does a renegade do?
Everything a counselor is not supposed to do. Example: We were told in grad school to find office space so the client would come in all smelling nice and dressed in his best and with his good manners in sight. I met clients in fast-food restaurants (preferably Arby's) an hour before closing (after the crowds had left and the place was quiet) and sat with them in booths in a far back corner and we'd eat curly fries and cheese and drink Jamocha shakes while wearing sweats and sneakers. My colleagues were aghast. My clients were thrilled, relaxed, and very forthcoming.

I also did tons of home visits and learned far more about my clients and their lives than I ever would have had they come in to an office.

As for my writing, I'm surprised you managed to land on my biggest hobby.
I'm a career (30 years) librarian and a published writer. I know good writing when I see it.

Writing was something I got into by accident, funnily enough. When I was thirteen or twelve I stumbled onto a free-form role-playing website, the non-sexual kind of course. I found it fascinating that people could adopt so many different characters and just abandon reality for awhile.
D&D? AD&D? World of Warcraft? Runescape?

my favorite sentence was written by a man named E. G. White. I believe it was something along the lines of "It was then I felt the chill of death in my loins".
"When the others went swimming my son said he was going in, too. He pulled his dripping trunks from the line where they had hung all through the shower and wrung them out. Languidly, and with no thought of going in, I watched him, his hard little body, skinny and bare, saw him wince slightly as he pulled up around his vitals the small, soggy, icy garment. As he buckled the swollen belt, suddenly my groin felt the chill of death." ~From E.B.White's essay, "Once More To The Lake"

Why are you asking about my writing anyhow?
That might be your salvation. It was mine.

Also thank you for the compliment. That was a kind gesture.
I wasn't being kind. I was being truthful.

Did you name yourself Wondergirl because you enjoy the idea of helping people?
Since I was born, I have wondered about things. That led me into teaching and then into library work and then into counseling. I am always fascinated by people and how they live their lives and the questions they ask and the choices they make.

"D&D? AD&D? World of Warcraft? Runescape? "

Answer: Mizahar. It's a post-by-post forum.

What do you mean it was your salvation?

Also I can appreciate the Hamlet quote.

What do you mean it was your salvation?
I wanted to get back into writing (had had one article published five or so years earlier by the Chicago Historical Society) but didn't really have anything to write about or know what step to take next. My kids were grown, I was doing that renegade counseling stuff in the evenings, and loved my library job, but I wanted more. (I'm an overachiever.) So I stumbled upon a fantastic life coach whose services I engaged for three months and who (in a phone consultation once a week, plus homework in between) got me plotting out my future as a writer. Four books were written and traditionally published during the next three or so years with more to be accomplished later.

I see.

Do you find yourself being happy with the place you're at in life right now?

Do you find yourself being happy with the place you're at in life right now?
Yes, but I want more. And I'm finding ways to get more.

Do you mind if I ask what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you?

Do you mind if I ask what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you?
I'm sorry, but I can't post that for anyone to see. I'd tell you privately, but there's no way to do that yet.

Is there any way to talk privately then?Our conversation's not only actually given me something to look forward to, but it's nice.. looking forward to a new post I guess.

Is there any way to talk privately then?Our conversation's not only actually given me something to look forward to, but it's nice.. looking forward to a new post I guess.
That means I have to keep you interested in this thread until such time that I can figure out a way to tell you without telling the rest of the world.

Hmmmm. How can I keep you engaged? My younger son is creating a role-playing game website. Have you ever thought of doing that or doing a blog? I've started a blog about my cats.

I prefer role-playing games when reserved to forums and such other things. But I think it's neat that your son is smart enough to develop games.

I am developing a blog. As for speaking privately, do you have an IM program? I'm connected to Skype, MSN, and Gmail. But other than that nothing else..

I also hate going on video. But I'm able to if it makes things easier. At the moment I'm on an iPod.

Like I said earlier, we're not allowed to take the thread offline or to another venue. The admins will dismember me.

I have no video capability and dismantled/uninstalled MSN and Yahoo IMs. I do own a cell phone and have a landline. :) but no fancy-schmancy iPods or Blackberries or Kindles.

I see.. They really should implement a private messaging syst on here.

Anyway. I've just returned home from a long day.

What exactly are we talking about now?. I feel a tad lost.

I see.. They really should impliment a private messaging syst on here.
There is a very nice one, but you're too new yet. I'm not sure how many posts a newbie has to have. I thought 30, but it might be less. I'm watching...

How about writing something for our site blog. Have you read any posts on it yet?

No I haven't yet.. I'm on the mobile version of the site and I'm still finding my way around these parts..

On the bright side my friend shared her writing with me for once, which surprised me. She's confidient with her artwork, but embarrassed of her writing. I'm the exact opposite.

So what did you think of her writing? Does she go to your school?

I genuinely liked it. There were a few grammatical mistakes but they were all easily fixed. She does go to my school, yes, I'm a junior and she's a sophomore.

She's one of those girls that likes to write cuddly fluff, whereas I like to write abstract things that tend to confuse people.

It was nice delving into a soft world for once, though. I never write fluff. I did recently spew a sudden thought that I found interesting down on my iPod notes yesterday.

I have an idea. Does your school have a writers' group that meets after school?

Not that I'm aware of. I know we have all sorts of groups, like a knitting club, anime clubs, etc. But nothing revolving around writing or artwork unfortunately..

Unless you count the "coloring club".

I know you can form clubs but you have to get a teacher to chaperone and ten people to join you.

So far the gay-straight alliance is the biggest club in my high school. Yay for no bullying and all that.

In December 2008 I started a writers' group at the library where I worked, so I could be your online mentor. (I'm very experienced now. :)) I wonder if one of your English teachers would be interested in this -- and I bet, if this were opened up to the school, you could easily get ten students (or more). I found the best size group, though, is no more than fifteen (or even fewer). Maybe limit it to juniors and sophomores?

I'd love an online mentor. Not only are you kind but you seem pretty knowledgeable in the subject as well.

Can I ask a weird question?

PRETTY knowledgeable??

Yes, ask away.

Okay very knowledgeable. :P

Using your psychobabble, I desire to know.. what sort of painting I've illustrated for you, in regards to my character.

Me. Who I am. How would you describe me from what you and I have talked about? What sort of feeling do you perceive whilst speaking to me?

Psychobabble is an endearing term in that context, by the way.

I'm trying not to flinch at your use of "psychobabble." ***ADDED*** ah, endearing term...

Hmmm, let me think for a few minutes.

In the beginning, you were an apple tree in February -- lots of bare branches studded with tightly closed buds. Warm weather arrived and the buds began to open. That rather bare apple tree is now beginning to look very promising.

Now I'll ask you what you see in a self portrait.

Using your apple tree analogy I'd say I look like an ordinary tree. Green, lush, comfortably sturdy trunk. However.. if you were to glance a bit more intently at the newly growing buds, you'd find some of them wholly rotted and filled with decay, and others sustaining more life and vigor than you would have believed possible.

This tree is like a stone over thousands of years. The world shaped it. While clouds rushed overhead, the winds carved it, the men plucked from it, the earth gave and took from it.

It's a very young tree by it's own standards.

But it's tired. Always very tired.

Yet as being a tree, it can't exactly fall over. In fact half the time it's resolute and stands firm simply because its nature is that way. Even when the harsher winds blow it dislikes bending. It will if threatened to snap, but only then.

It's a tired tree because it's roots are spread deep into the rich soil despite it's short life.

The leaves don't really wither during the cold seasons. They just leave for awhile and come back later.

Does that give you anything?

Correction -- its and its. Possessive, not it is.

What will the apples be like? A good harvest? Macintosh, I hope?

I've been picking off the rotten and decayed buds.

I'm not sure about the harvest yet.

Anyway I'm off to school today.. so my answers won't be as fluid. However I will check during my lunch period. So you'll get one response or more.

I'm hoping I'll unlock private messaging soon.

Ink Weaver, you asked for someone, anyone to care... I believe you have found that someone, myself as well, I have been following your posts...
Your writing is fabulous by the way... in the past (I suffered post-partum depression and anxiety) I have found that writing down all that dark ugly "stuff" in your head can help to make it a little less heavy, you won't feel so tired all the time. I burned my writings because I have trust issues and some of what I wrote was for my eyes only. Watching the paper turn from brown to black to ashes, bright red and orange flames dancing over the surface was very good therapy for me.
I have a feeling that your apple harvest is going to be a good one, the apples will be crisp, and sweet with a hint of a bitterness just to keep things lively. There will be an overabundance of apples, but the tree will continue to need to be pruned and cared for so that there will be many more harvests to come...
I look forward to reading your published works someday.

I look forward to reading more of your writing this evening (after any homework is finished, of course).

Chardel I want to thank you for your words. They mean a lot to me. Same goes for you Wondergirl.

Today I've only thought of suicide a few times, and it was more.. I don't know, curiosity based I suppose?

My mind was filled with the pre-ordained thoughts of religion. Christianity. Gods and goddesses. Myself, I'm agnostic, probably could be considered a bit of a wary half-pacifist from all the moral codes I've constructed..

I wondered why a god would place their child, someone they love, in eternal pain simply because they took their own life.

I know it's ungrateful, but really? Eternity? I can't see that being a loving god.

That's one of the main reasons I find it hard to be attached to organized religion.. How could any one god create.. so much potential for beauty and be content with submitting its people to torture?

Funnily enough four new thoughts just entered my head. The first was that the bible is an old book. It could've easily been mistranslated over the years.

The second is that I'm spewing thoughts that don't really mean anything. I guess I'm doing it to help you understand better how I work.

The third is that I like how I look today. My hair's growing longer, as well as darker despite being as black as black should get. I suppose in a different kind of way, I could be considered.. handsomely pretty? It's strange to think about it. I'm too physically masculine to be feminine, but my bones are too defined to be wholly masculine.

The fourth thought I had is that my head hurts. It's so utterly overwhelming to have so many thoughts bursting through my skull all the time..

And don't worry Mrs. Online-mentor-psychologist-wonder-woman. My homework's done.

Oh and Chardel! Because I am a rude guy with a weird sense of curiosity.. would you tell me your story? Any of it? All of it?

I wondered why a god would place their child, someone they love, in eternal pain simply because they took their own life.
Mine doesn't.

And don't worry Mrs. Online-mentor-psychologist-wonder-woman. My homework's done.
Whew! I was afraid to post, for fear of aiding and abetting.

What do you mean yours doesn't? What sort of religion do you follow then?.

What do you mean yours doesn't? What sort of religion do you follow then?..
Christian. My dad was a Lutheran minister.

Was he? Pardon me for this but I'm woefully ignorant of the many variants of Christianity. Would you mind explaining to me what Lutherans.. well how do they differ?

Was he? Pardon me for this but I'm woefully ignorant of the many variants of Christianity. Would you mind explaining to me what Lutherans.. well how do they differ?
Differ from what? Most mainstream Christians no longer believe the soul of a suicide instantly journeys to hell. Only Christian fundies believe that.

I was told by my grandad that you'd go to hell if you committed suicide.

What are your views on homosexuality,

?*

What church body does your grandad belong to?

I was elsewhere. Monday is one of my TV nights -- "Two and a Half Men" (I like to watch Walden goof around with his girlfriend's little girl and I like Walden's housekeeper), "Mike and Molly," MSNBC.

"Homosexuality" in the OT is greatly misinterpreted. I'm not sure we should be discussing Christian or religious topics here. Perhaps go to that forum and open a thread.

Are you sure you want this?? MY story? Well some of it any way... The whole thing would be a novel of epic proportions! Lol