I've decided to write this as I'm sure there must be others out there who feel the same hurt and upset that I do:
I'm 32 year old and totally and utterly in love with my husband. We've only been married for 1 year.. I know he loves me too, but I have realised over the years with any partner that I have had, that men don't seem to have the same level of exclusive love for their partners. What I mean by this is that I have no interest in other men, at all! When I am happy with a partner, I literally only have eyes for him. Ok, I can see a good looking man and admire his beauty, but I do the same with women also. I don't have an urge to have sex with that man, or fantasise about him all day. I certainly don't ma over the memory of seeing him or picture him naked!
However, what I have discovered about men has hurt me very much in the past. For example, my ex partner used to ma to porn videos and magazines ALL the time. He became so bad that he could not have phyical sex with me, or if he could, he couldn't climax, because I was not the porn star that he was used to fantasizing about. He actually got to a stage where he did not want sex with me. He preferred his own hand unfortunately. & when we did have sex, even in the early days of our relationship, he always did it with his eyes closed & with very little emotion/romance towards me. He would concentrate on an image/fantasy. I know this, because I did get him to talk to me about it when I was still in love with me, because it hurt me so much at the time. That man has a lot to answer for in my eyes, because I believe that he has made me have pretty low self esteem and paranoia about stuff like this. I was with him for 10 years, from being 18 to 28. I am very attractive, intelligent, had a perfect body with DD size chest (sorry I'm not meaning to sound big headed here) Therefore, I was very attractive to look at, and often men would comment on me and try to chat me up (but as I was in love with my ex, I had no interest in any other man). His friends even told him that they masturbate over  fantasies about me! I found this disgusting, as I was best friends with their girlfriends. I had a child to this man too, and it was after I had my son, that I realised that I did not want the sexless life/lack of intimacy/lack of romance that this man offered. I ended the relationship when my son was just 2 years old. It was a very difficult decision to make and it devastated my ex. & guess what, all of a sudden (when he realised I had had enough and that he was losing me [well, he'd actually lost me]) he started to come on to me. By this stage, I had fallen out of love with him and therefore could not bring myself to have sex with him. Although I see this as being his fault, (he had plenty of opportunities to change his ways but he was just addicted to porn) Let me give you one example. This is something that happened quite often: I would come on to him in bed. He would refuse most of the time, but now & again he would feel that its part of his 'duty' to me and would give in.. He would take ages to getan erection. He would then turn me over & we'd start having sex. I'd Orgasm  after about 10/15 minutes. After about another 10/15 minutes he would get a bit angry & say something like 'I can't concentrate' 'I can't come'. He'd then give up. The next morning, either before I have got up or after I have left for work, he would get his porn vids out & masturbate! 

Men, this is not normal and it is destructive to a loving relationship. If you love your partner, don't do this!

Now almost 5 years later I am married to an amazing man. But unfortunately we have had problems of a similar nature in the past. In fact, the problems I had with my husband were worse than with my ex. Early in the relationship, he had looked at a bit of porn, looked up a few topless models etc on the internet. Nothing too concerning, and once I let him know that I don't like that kind of thing, he agreed to stop, and to be fair to him he did stop. My problem with this kind of stuff is that men are looking at this stuff to enable them to masturbate to it. My thoughts on this are that he did not need to do this to himself, as I was readily available for sex anytime he wanted it. I have never turned him down, because I love being intimate with him. However, My husband overstepped the mark (he was my boyfriend at the time) – he bumped into a girl that he had had a one night stand with before we met, when we were about 1 year into our relationship. They texted each other for about 8 months on & off, and I discovered that some of the texts were explicit and they had both masturbate to them. I didn't discover this until we had been married for 5 months, and by then it had been over for almost a year. (we moved very quickly in our relationship – we moved in together after 4 months, got engaged after 1 year and got married after 2 years of being together [which means that he was texting her during the year that we were planning our wedding]).  Whilst this was going on, I knew something was wrong. He often turned me down for sex, couldn't get or hold an erection and was very restless during his sleep. However, I had no idea exactly what was going on. I just assumed that he had been masturbate more (which hurt me to think of anyway). What he did hurt me VERY much. So much that I had a miscarriage (I had just found out that I was pregnant when I discovered what had gone on.). I felt extremely betrayed an hurt, especially because my husband knew what my ex had put me through. I took some comfort in the fact that he had not met up with this girl during their texts. She seemed more keen than him, and he could have taken it further if he really wanted to. But fortunately, he did not cross that barrier. He was also distraught when I found out. He was ashamed, would never do it again, would make everything perfect etc etc. I chose to give him another chance, because I really do love him so much. & he is different to my ex in that he is very affectionate in love making and on a normal day to day basis. He is definitely with 'me' when we are making love. However, what he did has scarred me unfortunately and now I am paranoid & quite controlling towards him.

I have asked him not to be unfaithful to me ever again, and not to masturbate.  The reason I have asked him not to masturbate is because I am not daft – I know that when men do it they do not do it to fantasies of their wives. They do it to porn, lads mags, memories of other women or fantasies about someone they find sexy. I truly believe that if a man who is in a committed & loving relationship to someone who does not turn them down for sex, he should not masturbate. I think that if he does it he is de-sensitising himself for the real thing. He is also taking away his drive for the real thing. For example, if he has masturbated earlier that day to the fantasy of a perfect woman, he is probably not going to want to make love to his wife later on that evening. This is taking away the intimacy and love between the couple. It is also very hurtful for the woman to be in this situation. Trust me!
On the other hand – if a man is with a woman who does not have any interest in sex, then I can TOTALLY understand why he would take care of himself.  This poor man might even do it to fantasies about his wife!
When I was at my lowest, I was looking for help and advice on the net and I found lots of discussions where women have been in a similar position that I was in with my ex. Where the women were constantly turned down for sex by their partner, only to discover that he was masturbating to porn instead.
So, I've asked my husband not to do it anymore, and he has said that he won't. I have to trust him now, and there is no way that I can know whether he still masturbates. He knows that I will have sex with him anytime he wants it. We do have a great sex life – I dress up for him, have anal now & again, love giving him Oral.
I have given him some suggestions to help him in trying to steer clear of the urge to masturbate. I can understand how a man might feel the urge if he stares at a sexy pic of a naked model or scantily clad woman walking down the street. Therefore, I have suggested he doesn't look at her in that way. I suggest simply noticing that the woman is attractive, and then move on with your daily business. That way, you won't give in to the urge to Orgasm. Also, if he saves up his urges until he gets home to me, and then releases all of the energy that has built up into making love to me, then it will make our sex life even better. One last thing I have said to him is that he be 100% in the moment when making love to me, so that he is looking at me & my body when he climaxes – that way he is programming his brain to associate me & my body with the amazing feeling of orgasm.
What are your thoughts on this? Do you think it is too much to ask? I think that it is the recipe for a loving, devoted, respectfully and faithful relationship.
I'd love to hear from women who feel the same way that I do about masturbation during relationships. I'd love to hear from men too. What are your thoughts on this? Has your wife asked you not to masturbate? Have you promised your partner that you won't masturbate and do you keep your promise?
Thank you for reading.

Its is a bit much to ask... because this isn't about you... in making that demand you just raised the stress level and the entire purpose... which is a little ME time... when he doesn't have to focus on YOU. And quite honestly, there is nothing wrong with you doing it from time to time either.

It has nothing to do with loving the other person... particularly in a marriage you need a little private time.

The more stress you dump on him, the more you are going to push him in the opposite direction from what you want.

I think you're totally wrong on almost all aspects that you mention. I believe there were issues. I am unconvinced it was because of masturbation.

I have said this before. I tend to give too much information. Masturebation has never had a effect on my sex life with my ex-wife or any of my girlfriends.

They've also never had a issue with me masturbating. I've never had an issue with them masturbating.

You've made up your mind and that's find. Just realize one thing. He will promise that he won't masturbate but I can almost guarantee that he meant that he'll be more discrete about it. If he wants to get off than he will. None of the promise or love will stop him.

Hmm.. Thank you for your replies. It's not so much the masturbation it's what men do it to. It makes me feel jealous and paranoid when it's to fantasies or images of other women when he can have me anytime. I think it's disrepectful and shouldn't be done if it hurts the partner or affects sex life.

Hmm.. Thank you for your replies. It's not so much the masturbation it's what men do it to. It makes me feel jealous and paranoid when it's to fantasies or images of other women when he can have me anytime. I think it's disrepectful and shouldn't be done if it hurts the partner or affects sex life.

So.. tell me in your life you have never... ever fantasized about some TV or movie actor... like Brad Pit or George Clooney, maybe even (place name here)? If you claim no... then I would have to ask why?

Fantasies are never disrespectful to anyone... its your brain... its your thoughts... its your dreams, its your fantasies, its normal for people to fantasize.

Actions can be disrespectful... thoughts never are... and you can not and should not believe you can dictate what another person thinks... because that is indicative of control issues and attempts to manipulate another adult.

I would say the same to any guy that said the same thing about a female... and trust me... it happens far more frequently than you might think.

Your dreams are your own... as are your fantasies... nobody should dictate what you can and can't dream about or fantasize about.

Trust me... if you want something that is a powerful buzzkill. Having a partner or spouse think they can play thought police would be it.

I'd never dream of criticizing my wife over her fantasies... and she would never dream of criticizing me over mine... and yes we do know what each others are. Even if there is zero chance we would engage in them.

This will probably seem harsh. However, please take a step back and think about what has been said.

Have you asked him what he is actually thinking about when he masturbates? Just because he has a picture up or a video doesn't mean he isn't thinking about you.

I see a lot of what you want and need, but have you listened to his wants and needs? Have you tried to find a compromise or do you want him to see things exactly the same way you do?

He was unfaithful. That was wrong of him and damaged the trust. It hit on your insecurities and gave them more importance. Now, you are allowing them to destroy your relationship because you are looking for him to be unfaithful in everything and person he looks at as well as every thought he has. How long do you think he can continue to be a mentally and emotionally stable human being if he has to watch every word, thought or action for fear of upsetting you?

Why should he want to have sex with you? How do you know what he is thinking when he climaxes? How can he prove to you that sex is all about you and that he doesn't matter? That's what you have told him. If he thinks about his body and the sensations he is feeling then he isn't thinking about you and your body.

I think you need to learn that sex is fun and doesn't have to be a serious undertaking each time you have intercourse. You're taking what should be a wonderful way to share love, intimacy, enjoyment of each other, erotic thoughts and adult fun and turning it into a chore and a minefield.

I think you need to go to marriage counseling so that your husband can have a fair chance at being heard.

I think you need to stop punishing your husband for the mistakes of other men and his 'indiscretion'.

Either you learn to ease up and work together or at some point he is going to start pushing you away or you will think you found proof of his breaking your rules. He will look away during sex or touch you in a different way and you will accuse him of looking at porn, fantasizing about someone else, etc.

Are you really in love with him or what you think you can mold him into? Are you wanting a lover or a sex slave? A lover has a choice and chooses to be with you and it is a sharing experience. A sex slave is forced to obey the commands of its 'owner' to get its needs met. You are a step away from putting a chastity belt on your husband. Is that what you want?

I don't want to upset you or hurt you because I think you already are. I do want you to look at things from another perspective and learn how to communicate and compromise with your husband. I would love to see you both able to work together to build a full and happy life that doesn't involve controlling each other.

Hhonestly no, I've never fantasised about men in that way. My dreams and fantasies were always of the nature that I would marry someone who only had eyes for me, because honestly I really do only have eyes for him. Im just asking him to not ogle at images (either on paper, the screen or in his mind) of having sex with other women! I know that he would be hurt if he thought that I fantasised about having sex with another man! I don't need to do this though because I save all my sexual tension up for my husband.
I appreciate your views on this and I don't expect you to agree with me here but I still think that if a man masturbates, he is less likely to want sex with his wife later that day/evening. I've had 2 serious relationships now where this has proven to be a problem. Luckily my husband understands where I'm coming from with this and he loves me enough to stop doing something that he knows hurts me.

I'm not saying all women should or do think like me, some seem to see it as a favour because they aren't that bothered about having sex every day.

Ive told my husband that if ever I don't want sex, he is welcome to take care of himself, but I can't see that ever happening! Even when I can't have sex (like when I had miscarriage/time of month) I still wanted sex and so we made love in different ways and I attended to his needs.

Hi cat.
Thank you very much for your advice and time you took to write it. I can't tell you how much I appreciated it. And reading these things did actually make me see things differentley!
I realise that I am being quite controlling and I don't want to push him away.
I really do love him. Maybe too much. Obsessively intact.
I have actually suggested marriage counselling to him but unfortunately he doesn't think we need it. He was so upset with how he hurt me that he said he wants to put it right himself. Maybe I'm taking advantage of that too much.

I did try some online counselling where I was charged £30 per email and found it useless! The counselor seemed more concerned with 'why I was so upset that he was unfaithful?' and tried to find reasons from my childhood? I didn't have any reasons! I had a great childhood and my parents are in their 60's and still happily married! I think your advice has made more sense to me than anything the counsellor said to me.

I'll try to ease off and relax about it now. Have you got any tips to help me do this?

Hhonestly no, I've never fantasised about men in that way. My dreams and fantasies were always of the nature that I would marry someone who only had eyes for me, because honestly I really do only have eyes for him.

Really? How... unfortunate. I get the feeling that you're repressing a lot of your sexuality because you've both been taught that is what is expected of a woman and that you've also been hurt.


Im just askin him to not ogle at images (either on paper, the screen or in his mind) of having sex with other women! I know that he would be hurt if he thought that I fantasised about having sex with another man! I don't need to do this though because I save all my sexual tension up for my husband.

So what is allowed? Titty shots? Straight nudity? Upskirt/downblouse? How about lesbian? Also you want him not to have a fleeting thought when the waitress bends over the right way and he gets a brief bra shot? You're trying to control his mind. I mean to be harsh when I say that this is mental abuse.

What I have gather is that you don't quite understand how the male mind works with respect to women and sex. Men will have fleeting fantasies regardless of what they promise. It doesn't mean that we act on them. They're moments when you just sit back and wonder. They pass like most dreams and thought of no more. We're dedicated to the women we love and he loves you.

When we consume smut we're just getting those seeds of fantasy. Does it mean that we're masturbating thinking of the big boob blonde bimbo? Maybe. Does it mean we're thinking of our Significant others? Maybe. Does it mean that if given the chance we would lay said blonde? Nope.


I appreciate your views on this and I dont expect you to agree with me here but I still think that if a man masturbates, he is less likely to want sex with his wife later that day/evening. I've had 2 serious relationships now where this has proven to be a problem. Luckily my husband understands where I'm coming from with this and he loves me enough to stop doing something that he knows hurts me.

Okay. I masturbate every morning. My girlfriend and I don't live together but when I see her we have mad bunny loving going on. I have tonnes of porn, most of which doesn't look a thing like my girlfriend. Sometimes you just crave Chinese, what can I say? This has not affected our sex lives at all.

Luckily your husband knows what to do to calm you and how to hide the evidence better. I am not assuming the worst of him, just assuming the average. I am more worried about the control and conditions you're placing upon him.


I'm not saying all women should or do think like me, some seem to see it as a favour because they aren't that bothered about having sex every day.

Ive told my husband that if ever I don't want sex, he is welcome to take care of himself, but I can't see that ever happening! Even when I can't have sex (like when I had miscarriage/time of month) I still wanted sex and so we made love in different ways and I attended to his needs.

You main thrust of this is that it isn't about you. He isn't looking at smut because he doesn't like you or finds you unattractive. It is because he wants to have some time where he can concentrate on himself and only himself. It is like the male equivalent of a hot bubble bath. Nothing more meaningful than that and that easily forgotten.

Give him a break. Let him know that smut is good as long as you don't see it. I can almost guarantee that he's going behind your back and looking. It isn't hard these days.

Hi craven. Thank you for your comment and time. I appreciate hearing from a mans point of view. Some of the things you said helped... Like the fleeting thoughts comment. I suppose it helps to know that these fantasies are soon forgotten.
& of course I don't expect him not to notice if a woman shows cleavage or whatever... I would surely notice, and we often comment to each other if we someone showing a bit too much! We are very close in every way and are comfortable around each other. We've watched porn together before and he once brought a paper home to show me that his friends girlfriend was on page 3, naked! We had a giggle about it!
However, I feel intense jealously at the thought of him masturbating to this stuff! Sorry, but I do still think it's disrespectful to me as his wife for him to be climaxing to other women!
Him watching a football match is the equalivalent to me having a hot bubble bath! Not sat masturbating to smut as you call it.

I'm with CravenMorhead on this... you've apparently grown up to have very repressed thoughts on things of this matter for whatever reason.
I'm basing this on the women I've known throughout my life (I'm 50)... those I've dated, those I've know who talked with me... as well as my wife who is quite reserved in her manner, but not her thoughts.

Me personally I'd have major issues if someone told me what I could think, or dream... and a fantasy is nothing more than a dream while you are awake.

Anyone who gets upset because I may look at or like someone else or have a passing thought... even if I don't actually know them... really has the issues that need dealing with.

Here is why I say that... have you ever gone shopping and looked at something you couldn't afford to buy, or was really not practical for you?

We all have... you can appreciate those items, how they look, without it changing how you feel about the stuff you do have. You like them enough to pick them out in the first place.. didn't you?

Its also called imagination... if you for whatever reason have to be so hyperfocused on what you have now... you are completely shutting out everything out.

That is like saying you can't watch another TV show but the ONE... you can't read another magazine but that ONE... You can't do this... you can't do that... adn the next thing you end up like some people that HAS to marry who their parents tell them... they can only do what their husband tells them they can do... they can only go where they are told they can go... and if you mention something that deviates from what you are told you are allowed to believe then you get beaten... you are forced to wear clothing you don't want to wear, some of which might cover your entire body face included because some insecure male thinks someone might actually look at you...

... see where I'm going with this? I'm just extending and focusing the idea of one person controlling what another can do, see , think, wear... etc... I'll leave it at that so nobody thinks it turns political... which is not my intent...

True love isn't conditional. It also isn't an obsession.

I've been married for 20 years... not once in that time has my wife attempted to control what I fantasize about... nor have I done that to her... and trust me... if I told you what each of ours are... it might result in a complete state of shock for you. Because it is so totally opposite of how you see these things.

You can be completely in love with someone without being completely obsessed at the same time. Its common for a 14 year old with their first obsession... I say obsession because they don't understand what love is at that age... they get hurt if the other person even looks at another person because they feel they should be the entire center of the universe to the other person... the problem is most people find that terribly suffocating like it sucks all the oxygen out of the room.

He may be trying to humor you now and make it look like he agrees... but I can guarantee you he's not at all happy about it... and if you have to put up with something like that long enough its going to boil over... and then he walks out... cheats... or just emotionally shuts down, maybe all three.

We all vary with our ability to tollerate things... and I've walked away from several women over more petty things.

I believe you do love him... I do believe he loves you... however this is obsessive and destructive to the relationship even if its not obvious yet.

As has been mentioned... it only makes him be secretive about it... no adult likes to be told what they can and can't do or think by another. The more you push... the more it makes them want to push back.

Example... he likes to eat a slice of Pecan pie every so often... you start forbiding him to eat pecan pie ever... and hound him about it... it makes him want to eat pecan pie far more often than he normally would have. And even crave it regularly.

Thanks smoothy.. Very much appreciate your replies here.
I'm so up and down with this it's unreal. I do want to chill our and relax about the whole thing but I don't know how? How do I change my attitude towards the whole thing? Even now, thinking about him getting off to other women is upsetting me. I definitely don't want to make him crave this stuff even more than he might already!
Ive read lots of self help books about overcoming jealousy & unfaithfullness in the last year, and although it helps a bit while I'm reading it, I soon fall back to my old self! I don't want to be like that with him at all! I want to make him happy.
Reading everyone's comments here is helping right now but I'm afraid that when these chats stop I will be back to my old obsessive self.
Can you suggest how I might overcome this?
I could do with hearing from a woman who has had issues like this in her past but has managed to overcome them.

Thanks smoothy.. Very much appreciate your replies here.
I'm so up and down with this it's unreal. I do want to chill our and relax about the whole thing but I dont know how? How do I change my attitude towards the whole thing? Even now, thinking about him getting off to other women is upsetting me.

Talk with your husband. Note I used the word 'with' instead of 'to'. 'With' means you are both sharing thoughts and feelings. You are working together. 'To' implies one person doing the talking and the other person listening. Sounds like a lecture doesn't it. Teachers, bosses, and parents are the ones who give lectures.

My husband is the only person who has ever turned me on. I have tried fantasizing about other people but they all turn into him or aspects of him. I accept that and use erotica (including porn) for ideas to fill out fantasies I share with my husband. He uses erotica, too. The videos, pictures, stories, etc. may give ideas, but it is memories of us and our reactions to each other that take control.

I look at it like role-playing. Just because you put on a costume doesn't mean you become a different person. You are just having fun with an adult version of 'let's pretend'. Erotica is the same thing for the imagination. Just because he is looking at one thing doesn't mean that he isn't thinking about and responding to thoughts of you.

As for masturbating in the morning and not wanting sex at in the evening, there may be a lot of factors between the two events. They may not be related. He could need more time to be 'ready' for sex again. But it could be that he is tired, stressed, feeling pressured to have sex and take care of someone else's needs when he isn't wanting sex, too hot, too distracted, hungry, sleepy, and the list continues.

Masturbation is healthy for both of you. It is about knowing your own bodies. Working through thoughts and fantasies to know what turns you on and what you want to share with your each other. Things you might want to try or things that you know would be a huge turn-off. For both of you, it can be stress relief.

For women, it can be pampering ourselves and time to let the entire world go. No expectations on us. No one telling us what to do and how. It can be as fast or slow as we want. It can be the first step of getting aroused for an entire night of fun with our partners.

Think of this, he cuddles up to you and shows you affection and intimacy, both sexual and non-sexual. He is with you because he wants to be. You love each other and that is a bond that only the two of you share. Believe in that bond, the love and trust it is made of, and him. Believe in yourself and trust that you are what he ultimately wants in his heart, arms, home and bed. Having confidence in yourself and the relationship will help you build a barrier against the insecurities.

If you think it will help, talk to him again about Marriage counseling. Let him know it about learning how to communicate and compromise. It isn't only about the past but wanting to get tools to build an even better future.

We aren't going anywhere and you aren't limited to a certain number of visits. If it helps to talk out your thoughts and get feedback from others, all you have to do is keep adding to this thread even if it is weeks or months (or years) from now. There might be different people, but that just gives you more advice to ponder and possibly try.

If it helps, you can have your husband read the thread. It might give you a starting point for communicating as a couple about this issue.

There will be some other women answer... have patience, there are a number that do frequent this board... you likely will have other females perspective, maybe even one that has had similar feelings they overcame.

Its going to take time and willpower... but I am confident if you really want to overcome this, you will.

First and foremost, you have to understand GUYS aren't wired to think the same way women do.

We men are wired to be very visual... its genetic, seriously, it is... its also why we tend to be so easy to please.

Also... remember, this isn't an either /or situation. As long as you take reasonible care of yourself (meaning you know what a shower or a bath is and you don't live in the same pair of sweatpants for days or weeks at a time)... its not about how you look either...

You could look BETTER than Cindy Crawford or Christy Brinkly at their prime... we will still look. Looking is not cheating... thinking is not cheating... spanking the monkey is not cheating... banging the woman down the street, or from the office, or from anywhere IS cheating.

Something that might help is imagine someone telling YOU that you have to do something you don't want to do... pick something... whatever works for you... and put the shoe on the other foot... anytime you feel the urge to backslide, remember that situation... remember how you felt. That way its something less abstract.. and something more real to you.

Don't expect it to happen overnight... its going to take time and its likely to be gradual. But it you keep at it, eventually you will get the results you need. It's a bad habit.. and bad habits can be broken.

Also... try to remember it would be far different if the nude pictures or videos were someone down the street or that you knew... these are actually people he doesn't know, and never will know... or bump into.

You have to frame this as something that will clearly resonate with you that there is no threat to you or your marriage. Its NOT the neighbor woman emailing him nude photes... That would actually be a reasonable thing to get upset over... because there really might be a risk of an escalation. That risk doesn't exist with 99.9999% of porn, and polishing the brass firepole isn't a threat either in this case... as he's not doing it multiple times a day... or even once a day.

And trust me... sometimes you just need a quick release... and also trust me... if he used you for just that purpose.. you are going ot start feeling bad and used... and if he's got to take all the time to schmooze you and all the other stuff to get you going.. and make sure you get your satisfaction... then its not a quicky to release stress any longer.

Additionally... If you are a stay at home mom.. and he's away for 8-10 hours or more at a time... take some me time and diddle yourself in the middle of the day. Not every day... but from time to time... I think that alone will teach you that its not a betrayal.

Thanks cat and smoothy..
They were great replies and you have both given menlots to think about and I'll try what you have both suggested. One thing I need to add smoothy is that unfortunately my husband was texting explicit texts and pictures to someone he had a 1 night stand with before we met! He bumped into her on a night out after we had been together a year. I mentioned this in my first post but I don't want to dwell on this as I find it very upsetting to think about. I also know that he 'bumped' into her a couple of times on nights out throughout the 8 months that they texted each other :-(
He doesn't know why he did it, which is maybe why I feel like this so much now. I really wasn't like this back then and we were so happy together! He proposed to me after texting with her for 3-4 months and continued for a further 4-5 months!
But I don't want to dwell on that or punish him any more for it. I think his punishment is seeing how much he upset me when I found out. I really was a mess & felt that our relationship was fake.'
I don't feel like that now though, I feel jealous.
Nope I'm not a stay at home mum. Believe it or not Ive got a very professional career and earn more than my hubby. He works full time though and is an amazing step dad to my 6 year old. And, we are pregnant again :-) I just hope I don't get worse with my hormones!

Ancient Chinese proverb... ".a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

Take things one day at a time... and they won't seem as insurmountable. Its easy to be overwelmed by what seems like a huge task expecting to take it on all in one shot.

Cold turkey might work for some people... while others have to gradually work towards their goal. If you can see small improvements yourself, its easier to stay motivated to continue. If you see something as an all or nothing thing.. its easy to become demoralized when you can't see change overnight.

To: thegoodwife
I totally now where you are coming from I was married for 15 years to my ex who rather have sex with his hand then me!! For years I felt it was my fault that he didn't love me that he didn't think I was sexy. I ended the marriage when I cheated with another man. I knew once I crossed that line my marriage was over but my marriage was over way before I cheated. Your right in the fact that men are able to replace us (living breathing, flesh and blood women) for porn stars and whatever else they get there jollys off.

I have since gotten remarried and I have an amazing sex life with this man an I am completely happy :)

To: thegoodwife
I totally now where you are coming from I was married for 15 years to my ex who rather have sex with his hand then me!!! For years I felt it was my fault that he didn't love me that he didn't think I was sexy. I ended the marriage when I cheated with another man. I knew once I crossed that line my marriage was over but my marriage was over way before I cheated. Your right in the fact that men are able to replace us (living breathing, flesh and blood women) for porn stars and whatever else they get there jollys off of.

I have since gotten remarried and I have an amazing sex life with this man an I am completly happy :)

Sounds like there were other issues too. Porn is obvious and made the specter. The easy scape goat. Just like violent video games and heavy metal music. It is easy to blame the porn instead of take a deep and harsh look at things to find out the REAL reason the marriage failed and YOU CHEATED on him. It is harder to realize it was something internal to the relationship and not external like porn.

Heaven forbid you actually dissect your failed marriage and figure out exactly what was going on.

Hi skinnydippin. Thanks for your reply. It's really sad that your ex was like that. And despite what craven has said, if the reason your marriage broke down was because he preferred to masturbate rather than get intimate with his wife then the breakdown was his fault!
Craven, just because you watch porn/masturbate and manage to keep your sex life in order with your partner, does not mean that that applies to all men. Some men definitely PREFER the easy option of a quick 5 minutes with their own hand in front of porn, rather than the effort and intimacy involved in making love to their partner.
I personally think it's sad and depressing, especially for the partner.
Sex is very important in a relationship and once the man starts the slippery slope to preferring the easy option of taking care of himself, then the relationship is pretty mug doomed in my eyes. Without sex between couple, you are no more than just close friends or housemates.
I'm still trying to relax about it all. Since I last posted, I know my hubby has masturbated and the he didn't want sex that night! However, I chose to bite my Tongue and not get upset over it. By doing that I prevented an argument and we made love the next morning (instigated by me). I could tell my husband was making an effort here too, as usually he would jokingly stop me and say he doesn't have time before work.
I'm going to try and stay relaxed (ish) about it but I know I may find this more difficult in the future when I'm no feeling so strong.
I also tried what one of you guys suggested. I brought some porn up our computer when I had the afternoon to myself. I didn't masturbate, I just watched a couple of different clips. It made me feel pretty deflated to be honest. I can see why men like it and why it turns men on but I just felt jealous of the thought of my husband masturbating to it :-(

Do you read romance novels?

Even just things like Nicholas Sparks and "The Notebook"?

THAT is the female equivalent of porn: Unrealistic love stories.

Do you expect or hope that your husband will do some of the things that happen in those books (or movies, if you're more a movie person than a reader)? Of COURSE you do! Every woman hopes that if she gets Alzheimer's that her husband will write down their story and visit her every single day and read it to her. Every woman hopes to have a man that loves that strongly and that completely. But guess what? IT'S NOT REAL! You KNOW it's not real when you're reading it, and you can set it aside and say it was a good story and hope that your man will do some of the romantic things that happened in the book, but you don't really EXPECT it, and you're certainly not more in love (or lust!) with the hero of the book than you are with your husband.

It is EXACTLY the same with men and porn! They like it, they get some ideas from it to bring into your relationship, they HOPE you'll do some of the stuff they like from it, but it doesn't diminish you if you don't. It's a quick and easy release, a little "me" time, and nothing more.

Would you get upset if your husband told you that you couldn't watch chick flicks or read romance novels anymore, because you might get unrealistic ideas about romance that he can't live up to? Would you understand if he got depressed if you thought that was silly, because he felt unloved and unattractive compared to the men in your books?

THAT is how you have to think of it.

YOUR turn ons involve romance. HIS turn ons involve naked women. Just like you can enjoy a little romantic story that doesn't involve you at all, he can enjoy naked women that have nothing to do with him.

I think you should see a counselor about your jealousy, and about your self-esteem----jealousy stems from low self-esteem. If you were completely confident in yourself, you wouldn't be jealous.

Actually TheGoodWife... while a few guys might preffer that (very few actually) to a woman... the vast majority would preffer a female... (except the gay guys, and they would preffer a guy) to their hand. I'd venture a guess the numbers of women with absolutely no sex drive for any of a number of reasons would be far higher. Same with the numbers of women who are incapible of masturbating themselves to "a happy ending" as well is likely far higher.

I'm a guy... so I understand the guys perspective on this. And being 50, I've got a pretty seasoned perspective on this.

The big variable here is WHO they might have it with... and the infidelity rates among men AND women alone would indicate what I just said.

Actually TheGoodWife....while a few guys might preffer that (very few actually) to a woman...the vast majority would preffer a female....(except the gay guys, and they would preffer a guy) to their hand. I'd venture a guess the numbers of women with absolutely no sex drive for any of a number of reasons would be far higher. Same with the numbers of women who are incapible of masturbating themselves to "a happy ending" as well is likely far higher.

I'm a guy.....so I understand the guys perspective on this. And being 50, I've got a pretty seasoned perspective on this.

The big variable here is WHO they might have it with....and the infidelity rates amoung men AND women alone would indicate what I just said.
And if his woman starts ragging on him about masturbation and isn't she good enough for him and her pushing him into a corner and forcing him to lie to her about what he does for a few minutes to get quick satisfaction during some private time, maybe she's not the right woman for him after all.

Hi skinnydippin. Thanks for your reply. It's really sad that your ex was like that. And despite what craven has said, if the reason your marriage broke down was because he preferred to masturbate rather than get intimate with his wife then the breakdown was his fault!
Craven, just because you watch porn/masturbate and manage to keep your sex life in order with your partner, does not mean that that applies to all men. Some men definitely PREFER the easy option of a quick 5 minutes with their own hand in front of porn, rather than the effort and intimacy involved in making love to their partner.


And you can say that from that blurb? Honestly? Testify in front of your god? Right hand on bible and everything?

Many people have a problem with personal accountability. Take for example an errant student in the educational system. Forty years ago he would be reprimanded and possibly held back a grade. It was up to the student to recognize and fix the problem. Today the teacher is reprimanded and forced to pass this student. The student hasn't learned cause and effect with his bad behavior. This has lead to a sense of entitlement in our generation. I am only a year younger than you.

A lot of people have a very hard time identifying themselves as the source of the problem. It is hard to take accountability. It is far easier to blame an external source than yourself. I catch myself doing it myself. I fence. When I get beat find myself blaming all sorts of things rather then the fact that I messed up or I wasn't as good as I should have been.

This has come up in relationships. I have a failed marriage. My wife left me. I am still baffled as to what happened. I know I did wrong with that. I worked through it with a Psychologist. I took my fair share of blame with that. I had another long term relationship that ended the same way. Trust me when I say that I explored a good number of bottles figuring all this out. I had to take my blame. I moved on and am working for a better life. I actually spend time talking to the psychologist about my porn and masturbation. I am as open talking to him as I am here. He pretty much confirmed my thoughts and ideas. Take that with a grain of salt.

So this situation that was posted and I responded to isn't as simple as you think it is. It never is. There are a few things in your pity party here that you are missing as well. She cheated on him. She went out and had sex with another man. Porn or not there is no excuse for this. There is nothing that he could have done to warrant this. That is the main reason the relationship probably died. What was her options? Go to counseling? Go talk to a priest? Talk to him? Or go get f**ked? Which one did she go with? I don't mean to be harsh but that is what she posted and that is all we know. She should have ended that marriage before allowing another in her matrimonial bed.

Without sex between couple, you are no more than just close friends or housemates.

I understand what you are saying but I wonder if you do. What you have said in this sentence is that if a couple stops having sex they don't have intimacy and affection. This isn't true.

There are couples who can't have sex or their intercourse is extremely limited by many factors. They still love each other and still share a bond of affection and intimacy that many overly sexual couples don't have.

What kills a relationship is lack of communication. If you can't communicate on a mature level with your partner about anything in the relationship (sex included) then there will be issues and you will grow apart. There isn't anything holding you together. The same thing if sex is your only form of affection and intimacy.

I am going to remind you that hormones during pregnancy tend to be like adding jet fuel to a bonfire. (I well remember those days.) The issue may exist when you aren't expecting, but right now it won't take much to spark an inferno. So, deep breaths and when calm talk with him.

If the issue has been getting worse, it may be due to thoughts about the pregnancy or that there is a six year old who might interrupt. These are thoughts we sometimes aren't aware of until we start talking about them.

As for what the women in porn look like or how they act, even in amateur videos they are actors playing characters and getting direction. If you want a good perspective on it, watch a behind the scenes video. Fifteen takes just to stop laughing long enough to get a pair of underwear off. Someone off camera yelling every few seconds about how to move and where. When you look behind the curtain, the fantasy starts falling apart.

You haven't said how far along your pregnancy is, but I am going to suggest (if you haven't already thought about it) taking Lamaze classes. Not only does it help with pain management, but it teaches you how to relax when least feel like it and gives you another way of being intimate with your husband in a non-sexual way.

Hi synen. That's a good way of describing It to me. I'm going to try and look at it that way.
I am trying to work on my jealousy and control issues too because I don't want to continue like I am.
Thank you also cat and craven. I always appreciate your replies and even though you don't agree with the things I say, I can tell you are being sensitive towards me and I feel the support from everyone on here is great, even if harsh at times. You have given me some good train of thought.
Cat I'll look into that pregnancy recommendation. I've never heard of it. I'm 22 weeks now, have just found out we are having a girl. When I first posted on here I had done through about 3 months of what could be classed as depression. Probably due to my hormones, as it certainly tied in with the dates. I had just started to see things a bit clearly when I wrote in here and sought advice. I live in the Uk by the way & there doesn't seem to be anything lime this website in the Uk.
Craven I'm sorry to hear about your relationship problems. I hope everything works out for you.

Lamaze has changed some since I took the class in the early 90's, but they still seem to have the main focus of building confidence and preparing the mother for childbirth (and beyond).

When I had my daughter the Lamaze Breathing techniques got me through the beginning stages of induced labor until they could give me an epidural. If you can't find a class, there are videos available on-line.

I also found relaxing with my husband and practicing the breathing were very intimate moments.

Welcome to our community where you will get the advice you need. Okay so it may not be what you thought it would be or originally wanted, but it will be the advice best suited for you.

By the way, congratulations. If there are any other questions you have, just ask. We don't diagnose but we will do our best to help you find the answers you need.

Without sex between couple, you are no more than just close friends or housemates. (


Let's hope neither you nor your husband even becomes ill or incapacitated. You will then learn all about love, sex, close friends/housemates.

Sad, indeed.

Right hand on bible and everything?.


I suppose it depends on whether you are "using" your right hand at the time. (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

Thanks cat :-) xx
Haha judykay, the intentional pun made me smile.
However, I did not mean the kind of scenario you described. I meant a relationship where both parties are able to perform intercourse, but where one party has prefers a quick fix by themselves.
God forbid anything to happen to my husband or I, but if it did, I would 100% stand by him in every way and if it was I that was unable to perform, I would continue to take care of his needs even if he couldn't return the same.
We are very affectionate and loving towards each other.
I am very affectionate and loving towards my son, sister, mother, friends etc also. The difference between that type of affection and loving and of that with my hubby is that I go on to make love to him.
My ex definitely preferred to masturbate rather than make love. It was his problem, not mine. After 8 years we became totally sexless, after 10 years we were more like close friends/brother & sister or housemates. I could have stayed with him but I did not want a sexless life at age 28 and I therefore ended it. He wasn't unable to perform, he just preferred masturbation & porn and that made him unable to get an erection or reach climax with me.
That is sad, sad indeed!
Yet when I told him we were over, he came onto me, asked for sex '1 more time'.. Said he wanted to show me that he could satisfy himself and me with it. But it was too late, I had fallen out of love with him because of his neglect towards me over the years. Therefore I couldn't have sex with him on that occasion as it would have been like having it with a friend, rather than a partner. All the times he shoved me away or lost an erection yet went on to masturbate to porn led to that result.
I'm not saying my hubby or all men are like that, I'm just explaining that some are and also this is why I am like I am today (-As well as my hubby's 'indiscretion' with the 'sexting' that I mentioned in my original post).

Thanks cat :-) xx
Haha judykay, the intentional pun made me smile.
However, I did not mean the kind of scenario you described. I meant a relationship where both parties are able to perform intercourse, but where one party has prefers a quick fix by themselves.
God forbid anything to happen to my husband or I, but if it did, I would 100% stand by him in every way and if it was I that was unable to perform, I would continue to take care of his needs even if he couldn't return the same.
We are very affectionate and loving towards each other.



My late husband was seriously ill for over five years - I saw a lot of people walk away from their partners. One of the reason was the decline - or lack - of intercourse.

Before he went on dialysis I had to be interviewed by a Social Worker because the facility realized it was going to be a long and rocky road.

I hope you mean what you say.

Sorry to hear about your late husband judykay. Yes I meant every vow I made when I got married.

Thanks, but that's not why I posted it. I found a lot of marriages with "issues" broke up when one or the other party got sick. It was amazing to me, absolutely amazing. I don't know that, unless you've been through the experience, you realize that a long-term illness brings out the best and the worst in both parties AND the marriage.

Thanks, but that's not why I posted it. I found a lot of marriages with "issues" broke up when one or the other party got sick. It was amazing to me, absolutely amazing. I don't know that, unless you've been through the experience, you realize that a long-term illness brings out the best and the worst in both parties AND the marriage.
And having sex in any way, shape, or form is the least of the issues the couple wants to think about. The last thing an ill partner (from a bad cold all the way to terminal illness) wants to think about is sex--receiving it or offering it.

Hi cat, smoothy, craven and others..
I've asked for more advice in the marriage category. I wanted to put it in the same category as this but I couldn't find it in the list and it recommended marriage. Any chance you guys could read and post if any suggestions come to mind?
Thank you.

It might be time to change some of your perceptions about porn, love and sex. Your experiences with your previous partner who had issues around porn and having actual sexual intimacy, your view of wanting a partner who doesn't ever masturbate and your current partner's sexting/cheating have further confused the issue...

First of all... not all men use porn to distance themselves from human partners or to REPLACE actual sex. Your previous partner had some issues which were independent of pornography (which he used as a tool to avoid actual intimacy) that's unfortunate but that is NOT the way a majority of men use porn. You say you know that intellectually... but I feel in your writing that you still hold on to those past experiences in your present relationship.

Men do not watch porn because they are in love with the women on the screen, or because you're not enough (even if you're "sexually available") or because your partner doesn't prefer visualising you. (believe it or not your partner might be thinking of nothing at all when looking at porn)

It's normal and healthy for adults of both sexes to masturbate. It doesn't mean that there is an issue with sexual connection between two people and it doesn't have ANYTHING to do with the quality of sexual connection in the primary relationship. Men use porn just as visualisation and stimulation --- your husband is not pouring over these images and replacing you with them. They're only used in the moment, to get aroused and get off, that's all.
(Unless you have other intimacy issues... which brings me to the next point)
You mentioned that you wanted your partner to stop the porn. -- This is controlling behaviour based in your fear, beliefs about sex and your past experiences. Trying to control hubby and stop him from masturbating or looking at porn will lead to lying and avoiding and disconnection from you -- that DOES have something to do with your intimacy and sexual connection to you as do other (many) issues that you have within your relationship; such as your obsession with your husband and his reactions and controlling those reactions.

The porn itself is not the issue. Those past experiences help you feel that way for sure (a rare partner who liked to masturbate instead of have actual intimate relationship) BUT -- you must make a choice to say, "My husband is NOT my ex!" and to let him be a different person. The sexting trust issue is harder to get past but like any infidelity, if you agree to stay with your partner you agree to make steps to move past it.

Your jealousy, trust and control issues are your attempt to keep your partner from straying and to assure that he loves you... (because of your previous experiences as well) -- but these qualities don't protect you and they create distance, disconnection.

If you can, try to separate porn from love and sex and you may be able to view your relationship differently and with different expectations. You say that you are "obsessed" with your partner and that you have only eyes for him... and that you expect him to feel the same way... but this might be setting you up for a fall and putting a lot of pressure on you to be all things to him.


You do not need to be available to your partner 24/7 - expecting yourself to fulfill all of his sexual needs is unrealistic and unhealthy. That doesn't mean that he needs to go out and have other external experiences but that does mean that he has the right to have ALONE time -- as do you. You have built the expectation that "well if he really loved me he'd only have eyes for me and never look at other people or get sexually turned on by 2 dimensional images."
Is this really fair?

Your spouse might have eyes only for you, feel that you have a bond that no relationship can replace and still find porn works to arouse him when he wants to be by himself (it doesn't take away from desire for you!)

Whether it's pregnancy, tensions, relationship problems or just insecurity physical intimacy is an important healing tool. You can make "touch" important (and listening, talking, etc.) and more import than your fears about masturbation and porn, past experiences, etc. and commit yourself to the present!