Hello all,

I have read quite a few of the longer discussions which have taken place here, and I hope that you can help me with mine.

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for just shy of 3 years. Last week, she told me that she didn't feel for me as she used to, she just didn't think that she loved me as much as I love her.

Soon after that, she told me she thought it was so stupid, and she made a huge mistake. I took her back, because it was all that I wanted. Now, a week later, she has told me she still has that feeling in the back of her mind, and she can't shake it.

I know the reason she came back to me the first time is because everyone she talked to told her it was a mistake -- including her family and some of her friends. They told her that she would not find someone as good as me, and why would she want to leave me.

Now, she has told me that she wants a break again, and her reason is so that "she can be by herself becuase she doesn't know what it would be like to live without me". The problem is, I thought we were perfect.

My main concerns are these:

It seems since she has gone to school, she has become more social and this might have something to do with why she wants a break. She told me that the thought of the possibility of being with a specific person has crossed her mind, but also swore to me she couldn't see herself with him. She says she just wants time to hink and be by herself.

Also, this Friday night, we were planning on seeing each other, as I was going to go to her school and stay overnight. We still have plans to see each other, though all communication between us until then is at a bare minimum. I don't know what I should do when I see her. I think that if I tell her how I really feel, and break down, she will take me back, though this might be just because she feels bad. I know that shouldn't be what I want, but I am willing to do anything at this point.

One last troubling part of this whole thing is that I asked her this morning if she was sad, and she told me that sad wasn't the word, it was more confusion. Hearing this almost made me break down in class. For the last week between the first time this happened and now, we seemed perfect. I asked her once "Will you stay with me forever" and she responded, "of course". Thinking back on that now, all I want to do is die, beucase I am so afraid that I won't have that again.

She has promised me that when she sees me Friday she will go into with an open mind, and we will try to talk about things then. I know this is only a 2 or 3 day break, but it is my sincere hope that she misses me.

When I see her, should I bring her flowers or do anything to try to win her back? I told her I was planning on bringing her flowers originally (before she told me this) and she said that she didn't want that, bcause it would just make her decisions harder.

I am sorry for writing so much, but I feel like I can't survive.

Somebody please help me :(

Hello all,

I have read quite a few of the longer discussions which have taken place here, and I hope that you can help me with mine.

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for just shy of 3 years. Last week, she told me that she didn't feel for me as she used to, she just didnt think that she loved me as much as I love her.

Soon after that, she told me she thought it was so stupid, and she made a huge mistake. I took her back, because it was all that I wanted. Now, a week later, she has told me she still has that feeling in the back of her mind, and she can't shake it.

I know the reason she came back to me the first time is because everyone she talked to told her it was a mistake -- including her family and some of her friends. They told her that she would not find someone as good as me, and why would she want to leave me.

Now, she has told me that she wants a break again, and her reason is so that "she can be by herself becuase she doesn't know what it would be like to live without me". The problem is, i thought we were perfect.

My main concerns are these:

It seems since she has gone to school, she has become more social and this might have something to do with why she wants a break. She told me that the thought of the possibility of being with a specific person has crossed her mind, but also swore to me she couldn't see herself with him. She says she just wants time to hink and be by herself.

Also, this friday night, we were planning on seeing each other, as i was going to go to her school and stay overnight. We still have plans to see each other, though all communication between us until then is at a bare minimum. I don't know what I should do when I see her. I think that if i tell her how i really feel, and break down, she will take me back, though this might be just because she feels bad. I know that shouldn't be waht i want, but I am willing to do anything at this point.

One last troubling part of this whole thing is that I asked her this morning if she was sad, and she told me that sad wasn't the word, it was more confusion. Hearing this almost made me break down in class. for the last week between the first time this happened and now, we seemed perfect. I asked her once "Will you stay with me forever" and she responded, "of course". Thinking back on that now, all I want to do is die, beucase I am so afraid that I wont have that again.

She has promised me that when she sees me friday she will go into with an open mind, and we will try to talk about things then. I know this is only a 2 or 3 day break, but it is my sincere hope that she misses me.

When I see her, should I bring her flowers or do anything to try to win her back? I told her I was planning on bringing her flowers originally (before she told me this) and she said that she didnt want that, bcause it would just make her decisions harder.

I am sorry for writing so much, but i feel like I can't survive.

Somebody please help me :(
Mate this happened to me I know you still love her I know what it is like its hard to do but leave and forget about it

This is something else that I forgot to mention...

When this has happened before, I had broken down and I could not keep no contact with her. I needed to call her, and I did. I ended up calling her crying at 5am, and I am afraid that had to do with her taking me back.

This time, I made sure that I did not contact her, but what confuses me is that she contacted me this morning. She sent me a message that said "I just want to see how your doing". Should I take this to mean she's thinking about me? Should I play tough and act like nothing is wrong? Should I bear my soul and tell her how I really feel?

Thank you

I think that maybe if she wants you guys should break up and stay broke up are you sure you didn't do anything wrong lol u can get better than her if she keeps doing that but if you really like her that much and you want her back I think you should still take those flowers and maybe act like what she said never was said or you can act like you don't care and that makes people real mad lol

Not to sound rude, but you sound like you might need her and are a bit clingy, if you really want her act like you don't care and if she comes running back its because you looked like you were fine with out her, I am a girl I am telling you the truth, when guys do that type of stuff it makes us feel unwanted and we want to be wanted again, if she doesn't come running back she didn't care in the first place.. good luck and act like your not worried about what decision she makes.

Honestly, this sounds like one of those situations where you need to give her exactly what she wants and not look back. Disappear.

She doesn't want to know how you're doing. She's being selfish. When she asks how your'e doing, give a noncommital answer. You tell her the truth and she'll become disgusted with you - not overwhelmingly so, but she's probably lost a lot of respect for you all ready. Not fair, is it? Yet that's the way it is. For some bizarre reason, young women find sincerity of feeling to be somewhat repulsive, despite what she may otherwise tell you. Basically this is the point in your life where you're going to have to realize that despite what all the songs have said, and what many other women have told you with seeming sincerity, she wants something else. She wants someone who cares about her a lot less than you do - frankly, she finds the fact that you care so much to be a little icky. That you would do anything? Pathetic. That much is clear from her actions. If she really cared, as you did, she wouldn't be doing this to you - she cares about herself more than she cares about you.

I suggest you follow her lead. Doing anything else will just piss her off.

But do what you feel is best...

Disappear for a while - 3 months. Leave her alone - be busy.

No wants a needy cry baby - YUCK!! Puke!!

Thanks for the advice guys,
I'm doing my best.

Right now it feels like I can't even get out of bed.
At this point all I want is her to miss me, and for her to think it was a mistake, and it seems in my mind that if I call her, it would make her miss me.

Though the more I think about it, is exactly the opposite true? Should I really try to act like nothing is wrong so that she misses me? If I call her it makes her feel as if I am not really gone?

Thanks

No, if you call her, it makes her resent you attempting to manipulate her emotions. Do nothing. Stick to yourself - you'll be more happy in the long run.

I don't know how many of these answers are from females, but I will say - from a woman's point of view- you need to get rid of her. She is not interested in you. As a matter of fact, she's probably dating someone else on the sneak. That's why she's confused. She doesn't want you but her family is telling her she must be crazy because you're such a sweet guy. She's really not interested in what you're doing when she calls and asks you that. She just wants to make sure you're still sitting around wanting to be with her. Just in case it doesn't work out with the other guy. So please, I know it hurts, but you need to pick up the pieces and move on with your life - WITHOUT HER!

Well this is still very early, but today she has contacted me twice, and neither time had I initiated the contact. The first time I was open and honest about what was wrong and how much I was hurting, but the second time I just told her I was doing my best to understand her point of view and I was willing to giver her time and space like she asked for.

Is this the wrong thing to do? I don't want to ignore her, despite what is going I still care deeply for her.

Do to her as she is doing to you! Your telling her your hurt by her actions and she is still calling to make sure your there and haven't moved on! SHE IS NOT CARING ABOUT YOU AT ALL! She is being selfish wants her cake n eat it too! Actually she wants you to make her her cake, bring it to her and feed it to her! Please do not let this girl control you or your emotions, she is doing this on purpose and everybody on here is telling you the same thing! LEAVE HER ALONE, SHE IS NOT IN TO YOU AT ALL! SORRY BUT IT IS SO SAD AND TRUE!

Hello all,

I have read quite a few of the longer discussions which have taken place here, and I hope that you can help me with mine.

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for just shy of 3 years. Last week, she told me that she didn't feel for me as she used to, she just didnt think that she loved me as much as I love her.

Soon after that, she told me she thought it was so stupid, and she made a huge mistake. I took her back, because it was all that I wanted. Now, a week later, she has told me she still has that feeling in the back of her mind, and she can't shake it.

I know the reason she came back to me the first time is because everyone she talked to told her it was a mistake -- including her family and some of her friends. They told her that she would not find someone as good as me, and why would she want to leave me.

Now, she has told me that she wants a break again, and her reason is so that "she can be by herself becuase she doesn't know what it would be like to live without me". The problem is, i thought we were perfect.

My main concerns are these:

It seems since she has gone to school, she has become more social and this might have something to do with why she wants a break. She told me that the thought of the possibility of being with a specific person has crossed her mind, but also swore to me she couldn't see herself with him. She says she just wants time to hink and be by herself.

Also, this friday night, we were planning on seeing each other, as i was going to go to her school and stay overnight. We still have plans to see each other, though all communication between us until then is at a bare minimum. I don't know what I should do when I see her. I think that if i tell her how i really feel, and break down, she will take me back, though this might be just because she feels bad. I know that shouldn't be waht i want, but I am willing to do anything at this point.

One last troubling part of this whole thing is that I asked her this morning if she was sad, and she told me that sad wasn't the word, it was more confusion. Hearing this almost made me break down in class. for the last week between the first time this happened and now, we seemed perfect. I asked her once "Will you stay with me forever" and she responded, "of course". Thinking back on that now, all I want to do is die, beucase I am so afraid that I wont have that again.

She has promised me that when she sees me friday she will go into with an open mind, and we will try to talk about things then. I know this is only a 2 or 3 day break, but it is my sincere hope that she misses me.

When I see her, should I bring her flowers or do anything to try to win her back? I told her I was planning on bringing her flowers originally (before she told me this) and she said that she didnt want that, bcause it would just make her decisions harder.

I am sorry for writing so much, but i feel like I can't survive.

Somebody please help me :(
Joe, your question is the first question that caught my eye. I think she is trying to tell you something but just doesn't want to hurt you. I am in a relationship where I feel suffocated. I have lost a lot of respect for my "fiance" because he is so clingy. When I want time to myself to think it's because I can't stand to be around him because he's always saying things like, "what did I do wrong?" "I'll change." I know I sound like a horrible person but I cannot stand to see such insecurities in a person. I told him in the beginning that sometimes I just like to be alone. I am a very introspective person, I have daughters and sometimes I just need to be with my fam and friends. He even gets a little unsettled when I go out for coffee with a g/f. How long are you going to be?? Kind've kills my coffee mood. I am trying the same thing your g/f is doing. I want to be alone because I realized I don't love him but he gets so upset when I approach the subject that I feel bad and try to ignore his clinginess which makes me real unhappy and depressed. I am in a relationship I don't want to be in because I don't want to hurt this man. Let her go please, she's probably suffocating, be a man and walk away while she still has a little respect for you. Don't take her back because she really is confused but she knows - she just can't break the connection. It's not love that keeps her with you - it's guilt.

ntanis - have you told your finace this?? He's not a mind reader. I am sure he's pushing you away AND he doesn't know any better - SOOOO he comes on stronger. Happens all the time. You need to tell him everyhting - AND tell him you need space and he better shape up!!

Hey man,

I know exactly how you feel. I know that its eating up like crazy but if you honestly want this girl and want to better your chances of getting her back, then you got to let go for a while. I know that's crazy hard, but you got to let her do her thing rite now. The more you beg, cry, and plead(like I did), the HARDER it is to get her back, possibly never at all.

So if you still want to have some sort of chance with her:
This won't work if she never had feelings for you.

1. Give her what she wants, if it's a break/break up, do it!
2. Don't cry, look strong, even if your dying like crazy inside.
3. Don't call, text, message, email, let her miss you.
4. In the meantime, chill with friends, family, and I know its hard, but try to get your mind off it.

Remember, nothing in life is guaranteeed. I probably stole this qoute from somewhere, but it means a lot:

If you love someone, let them go.
If they come back, they're yours.
If they don't, they were never yours.

Take it easy bro.

Thanks a lot guys,

I am doing my best, and I still talk to her because she talks to me. She says she can't bear to just cut everything off. It might not be smart, but I am not going to ignore her if she calls. I want to be here for her, and I am hoping that I can be here for her, and at the same time get over her. I think I have finally come to grips with the fact that its over, at least for now. She needs her space and I tell her that I understand, and that she needs to do what she needs to do.

I have been totally honest about it, and I have told her that I don't want to make her feel bad, because if she changes her mind, she needs to do it on her own. For the time being, I am not initiating any of the conversatiosn (as best I can anyway), and just being here when she needs to talk to me.

Thanks again for all the advice, it really helps.

Whether she comes back or not is not the issue. You getting a life you enjoy and learning to be happy with out her is the issue here. To sit and mope and lose that lust for life, is not healthy and only you can be in control of your reactions now, as it has nothing to do with her, but you dealing with your own issues. That's what this time is for, you getting you together without her or even if she comes back, it will never work with you depending on her for a life. Roll out of bed and get busy getting yourself healthy.

Well guys,

I have a bit of an update.
At this point, I have stopped contacting her, though when she calls me, I will talk to her, "as a friend". I want to be here for her, because I still care for her, and I believe she still cares for me. The thing is, she says her feeligns aren't as strong as they used to be, but I firmly believe she still does care about me as a person.

So for the time being, I will continue to not contact her, but will be available for her if she needs to talk to me. I figure there is no better way to show that I am not bitter than to be a supporting friend.

One issue I have been having lately is that I cannot help but imagine her happy with someone else. She has sworn to me that she is not looking for someone else, and I am sure she isn't lying to me, but the possibility that she may with someone else down the road kills me. Is this normal? Most of the time, I can get along fine, but these certain images which enter my head kill me :(

Thanks for the all the help guys...

I know that was fast, but I'm back again...

Just minutes after I made my last posting, I got a message from her saying that she really wanted to talk to me tonight. She was telling me that she feels like she "can't live without me". I have to admit that I felt good hearing this, but in the back of my mind all day is that she is just upset, and I know she still wants to have her space. But I don't understand why she is coming to me if she wants her space.

If this leads to her saying it was a mistake, It is going to be hard for me to take her back, because I am so afraid of being hurt like this again. I am doing my best to not get optimistic about this, and telling myself even if she does want to get back together, I am going to need to some to decide if I can do that.

In the meantime, until she talks to me tonight, I am pretty confused over the whole thing. I am afraid that she may tell me later that she feels much better after being out all day, or that it was just a "slip-up" and she's not upset anymore. I just don't want to get optimistic to talk to her.

Any thoughts of suggestions?

I don't think this is a time to conscede your position of power... You know you can get on without her now - time has made that clear to you. Tell her this much. Ask her why it would be in your best interests to put yourself back in a position of relying on her when you've become stronger otherwise. How can you know that things can or would ever be different? What can she do, through her actions and not her words, to show you that she can be trusted?

That's the avenue you need to follow. I'm even thinking that talking to her at all could be a mistake because it's quite possible that she worded her message to make you think what she wanted you to think, in order to get a reaction out of you. She may just say she wants to be friends, again, and then indicate that this is what she meant all the while with her message... Just she wanted to tell you that in person.

There's no way to know. Good luck with what's ahead of you.

I can sympathize with your situation as I went through something very similar with my ex girlfriend, where she was the one that wanted to end the relationship because she did not feel the same way anymore, but she kept contacting me, the reason she did it is because she wanted to make sure she had me to fall back on until she could make sure she could find someone else. From what it sounds like your ex is doing the same thing, if you allow her to do it to you then you will end up more hurt then you can possbiel imagine.

So therefore I would advise you to listin to what she has to say, but remind her that this was her decision and that if she stop feeling the same love for you once then it could easily happen again, so do NOT get back together with her, cut of communication with each other completely until you both can figure out exactly what you need from a relationship, because I don't believe you need each other right now.

Hope this helps you out and take it easy.

Good luck

Well thanks guys,

I am going to talk to her, and see what she has to say. I have a feeling she is just looking for some consolation, and I will give that to her. I don't want her to hurt anymore than she has to, but I want to let her know that it is not easy for me either.

I know in my head I have no intention of getting back with her, at least until I can be certain I am not going to get hurt again. The problem is, I am afraid what I know in my head, and what I feel inside are two different things. I just need to make sure that my mind wins out over what I feel/want :-\

Thanks again

Hello all,

I have read quite a few of the longer discussions which have taken place here, and I hope that you can help me with mine.

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for just shy of 3 years. Last week, she told me that she didn't feel for me as she used to, she just didnt think that she loved me as much as I love her.

Soon after that, she told me she thought it was so stupid, and she made a huge mistake. I took her back, because it was all that I wanted. Now, a week later, she has told me she still has that feeling in the back of her mind, and she can't shake it.

I know the reason she came back to me the first time is because everyone she talked to told her it was a mistake -- including her family and some of her friends. They told her that she would not find someone as good as me, and why would she want to leave me.

Now, she has told me that she wants a break again, and her reason is so that "she can be by herself becuase she doesn't know what it would be like to live without me". The problem is, i thought we were perfect.

My main concerns are these:

It seems since she has gone to school, she has become more social and this might have something to do with why she wants a break. She told me that the thought of the possibility of being with a specific person has crossed her mind, but also swore to me she couldn't see herself with him. She says she just wants time to hink and be by herself.

Also, this friday night, we were planning on seeing each other, as i was going to go to her school and stay overnight. We still have plans to see each other, though all communication between us until then is at a bare minimum. I don't know what I should do when I see her. I think that if i tell her how i really feel, and break down, she will take me back, though this might be just because she feels bad. I know that shouldn't be waht i want, but I am willing to do anything at this point.

One last troubling part of this whole thing is that I asked her this morning if she was sad, and she told me that sad wasn't the word, it was more confusion. Hearing this almost made me break down in class. for the last week between the first time this happened and now, we seemed perfect. I asked her once "Will you stay with me forever" and she responded, "of course". Thinking back on that now, all I want to do is die, beucase I am so afraid that I wont have that again.

She has promised me that when she sees me friday she will go into with an open mind, and we will try to talk about things then. I know this is only a 2 or 3 day break, but it is my sincere hope that she misses me.

When I see her, should I bring her flowers or do anything to try to win her back? I told her I was planning on bringing her flowers originally (before she told me this) and she said that she didnt want that, bcause it would just make her decisions harder.

I am sorry for writing so much, but i feel like I can't survive.

Somebody please help me :(
Well one more update for now...

We talked last night, and in the end I told her that I don't think she's being fair to her or me by still contacting me. I told her that she isn't giving herself the break she told me that she needed, and she will never find out what its going to be like without me if she keeps contacting me so often. I told her that I feel that by doing this, I am running any chance of her thinking this was a mistake.

So now, we are going to try to keep conversations to a minimum, I am going to continue not contacting her, and she will contact me only when she absolutely has to. What troubles me is she said that about one full day of talking, she doesn't know how much longer she can go without talking to me. I suppose I can try to make myself less available when she calls, but I don't want to ignore her either.

Do you guys think I'm going about this the right way?

I suppose this is a sort of follow-up to my original post.

My ex and I have been separated for some time, and I have not contacted her, though she seems to need to contact me often. That is besides the point of this post.

I feel that I am beginning to get over it. When I walk, I feel taller and better about myself that I used to. I no longer walk around feeling depressed and upset constantly -- not to say that I don't have my moments. Though overall, I am starting to see myself in a better light than I can remember for quite some time now.

The problem I have now is that I have visions of my ex being with other people and being happy with them. I know it is selfish for me to think that she won't move on to someone else, and she has told me she isn't looking for someone now, it just hurts for me to think of her having what we had, with someone else.

Are these thoughts normal? Is there something wrong with my head?

It is completely normal for you to feel this way. It is always hard to see someone with your ex, it is heartbreaking. However in time things will heal. Try to think positively, I know it is hard, thinking about it negatively will just wear you out.

My ex got together with someone just a couple few weeks after we broke up. It was really devastating.. I think I pretty much had a total melt down. I took about three days off from school and pretty much just cried.

On the other hand, the worst thing that could have happened is now over with. I feel like I've dealt with the worst of it and can finally move on. He was leading me on for a long time and him being with someone else let me see how he really felt about me.

I'm not sure what your situation is, if you're still talking to her or not. I think the best thing is just to make it so there's no way you can really find out if she's with someone else. If you do end up finding out that she has moved on, it will hurt, but you will get through it!

Well, she isn't with anyone else, and I have no reason to believe that she will be for a very long time. She is pretty upset about this, and I talked to her about not calling me as often, and she is taking it harder than I am, so I'm pretty confused. It seems like she still feels strongly for me, though she told me she didn't.

My mind is just playing tricks on me, and I think about the future too much.

Thanks for the input guys :)

I suppose this is a sort of follow-up to my original post.

My ex and I have been separated for some time, and I have not contacted her, though she seems to need to contact me often. That is besides the point of this post.

I feel that I am beginning to get over it. When I walk, I feel taller and better about myself that I used to. I no longer walk around feeling depressed and upset constantly -- not to say that I dont have my moments. Though overall, I am starting to see myself in a better light than I can remember for quite some time now.

The problem I have now is that I have visions of my ex being with other people and being happy with them. I know it is selfish for me to think that she wont move on to someone else, and she has told me she isnt looking for someone now, it just hurts for me to think of her having what we had, with someone else.

Are these thoughts normal? Is there something wrong with my head?
I think that anyone who has ever been in a failed relationship tries to comfort themselves by thinking that they are better off than their ex. It's completely natural because we are insecure beings. Of course more often than not it is much harder when the wounds are fresh but give it time and your feelings will level out.
Maybe her "need to contact you often" is the reason for you being upset when you think about her being happy with someone else. This act is making you feel like she still needs you and that you are the only one who she needs.
I think it was good for you to tell her that her calls weren't helping you mend. Honestly, the best person to look out for yourself is YOURSELF. You can't help her with her issues if you haven't dealt with them on your own.
My 2 cents.

entrepinoy, that was pretty much my line of thinking.

She messaged me again, and I am confused because she acts like she misses me. I don't know whether to think she truly misses me, or if she is just making sure I am still here waiting. Currently, I am trying to pull myself away so that I don't look despearate, and appear as I am waiting for her calls. I want to be here for her, but I don't want to let her think I am sitting here waiting to catch her if she falls.

She cut me out of her life, and she needs to accept that... am I right?

Specifically, Sypher, you need to accept it - cut her off. For the sake of maintaining a friendship with her, please do this. You're going to feel a lot of bitterness and resentment to her because of this (rightly so) and it's only going to lead to hurt if you allow her to stay in your life. 3 months at least. Go from there.

Absolutely normal.

Every girl I've loved and lost, whether I broke it off or she did, I've had these thoughts about to some degree. Obviously more when you are the one with the broken heart.

So yeah, it is absolutely normal. And it goes away.

Hell, I still wonder now and then if my ex-gf's think about me ever... and I'm a happily married man in a fantastic relationship whod never cheat.

You had a connection. It'll always be there. But at some point you stop thinking about what you are missing, and the fact they have moved on doesn't bug you.

Guys I'm back again :confused:

I have talked to my ex about not talking so much anymore, she agreed that she asked for space, and was talking to me, so she wasn't being fair to me. We both agreed that conversation should be kept to a bare minimum for a while, and then we can see what happens from there.

Two problems/questions. I have been keeping busy by going to the gym, watching TV, playing my guitar etc... But the problem is, I can't resist the temptation to check things such as her away messages and things. When I see it, like tonight, and there are things like... "Going out", I get upset. I know I shouldn't because it isn't my business, but I just feel like she is moving on without me. Now, she isn't a partying kind of person, and I'm sure she is probably just at a friends, or even her sister's house, but it still upsets me. Does anyone have any suggestions to keep my mind off this? Has anyone else ever been there?

The only other question I have is if is truly possible for ex-first-loves to remain friends after. I have heard from other people that your first true love always keeps a place in your heart, and I don't know if that will interefere with being friends. I understand the first step to being friends is minimizing contact, and that's where I am at. I am prepared to call her, and let her know when I would like to see her again, without any lingering feelings. Has anyone ever been on the other side of this, and remained good friends with a first love?

Thanks guys

Your last question is the most important one.

You can remain friends, if circumstances permit. You never truly forget any love, first or otherwise, and that can make things awkward down the line... there's always a hint of something there, even if it's just a bit of nostalgia. I'm still good friends with my second serious girlfriend, although I credit that to two things: we were very good friends before anything happened romantically, and there was always enough openness between us about everything that we never let ourselves get caught in any of the countless traps that pop up. Even so, we both have the lingering sexual attraction from before, and are open about its existence, though we never act on it. It took a while, but we're back to where we were before we got involved.

You need to get past wondering where she is. Stop looking at her away messages... take her off your buddy list if you have to. If you insist on not going no-contact, switch to non instant communications... e-mail and the like, rather than phone or IM... there's no expectation of an immediate response to an e-mail, and therefore no letdown when no response comes until later. I would recommend no contact for a while, though, at least until you get over your need to check up on her. Stay away from the computer, and turn your phone off when you are at home... those are your temptations. Do things away from those, such as reading a book.

Thanks for the advice,

I guess its pretty much stuff I know already, I just need that little kick in the pants to get myself going.

Thanks again

Nosnosna,

Just a quick question...

How did you handle it when you guys broke up? Did you go the NC route? Or were you able to remain "friendly" but not so often conversation throughout the whole time? Did you often get upset by the thought that she may be interested in someone else?

Short answer: I handled it poorly :)

The backstory: I had just gone off to college... 10 hour drive between home and school, so visiting wasn't exactly an easy thing to arrange. In our defense, her plan was to go to school in the same city I was going to (we arrived at our school choices completely separately, and they were 20 blocks apart), but the funding fell through for her and she ended up staying close to home. She came up to visit a couple of months into the semester, on her fall break weekend, and that's when she broke the news to me.

That was the point in my life that I got bitter. Really bitter, for quite a while... that's the phase in my life that I started the decline into alcoholism. She had already found somebody specific that she was interested in... that she didn't tell me any of this until the second night she was in town didn't help things. We didn't go no contact at all... we had been extremely good friends before anything happened, and that has stayed important to both of us throughout. We spoke on the phone about once a week for a while afterwards, and, being the (almost overly) caring person I am, I gave her advice and helped her with problems with her new relationship. It hurt like hell, and I wouldn't recommend that choice to anyone.

It took about a year to really get over it... I think it took longer than it would have if we'd been out of contact, because initially, it was just like rubbing salt in the wound. At her wedding reception three years, she told me I was the only other guy she ever even thought about marrying, and that if things had been even slightly different... but hypotheticals like that aren't worth spending too much time thinking about. It helps that I know she made the right choice: She ended up marrying the guy she left me for.

Well,

I am only about two weeks into this, but I can definitely relate to that. I would say the same thing about myself, I think I am a bit too caring. At this point, I am so caught up in just being her friend, and still being in her life somehow, that I will talk to her about her problems. I want to be there for her, and I tell myself in my head that I can talk to her and it doesn't affect how I feel about her anymore. I am starting to grow used to not having her around to talk to, and I can talk to her when she calls. Sometimes I doubt myself though. Its hard to find yourself in question like that -- enough to drive me insane.

Either way, I don't think I will ever go no contact with her. Im sure 99% of the people here will call that a stupid move, and call me naïve for saying I think she is different than a lot of the cases I read on here. I truly believe that she still cares for me, just not in such a romantic way.

Today has been a rough day. Its almost midnight here, and I am having trouble beucase I haven't heard from her all day. I think this is the first time we have gone a full 24 horus without a single text message or IM or anything. It hurts because I can't stop wondering what she is doing, who she is with, and if she's thinking about me. I know that is all self destructive thinking, but I can't help it. The thought of calling her just to say hi has crossed my mind dozens of times already tonight, but I promised myself, I won't initiate any contact, I will just let her come to me.

-I sure hope I can keep that promise :-(

UPDATE:

Just got a text from her actually.
I feel like a big jerk because she was actually sick and slept pretty much all night. She just asked how my day was going and "didnt want to go all day without talking". I didn't ever accuse her of anything, so she doesn't know I was so freaked, I don't want to let her know when I am, I just feel silly/stupid :(

Oh well...

You are going through the normal crap that it takes to get through this.

I had an awful breakup with my first love... partly cause I hung on waaaaaay too long when it was time to be done... so by the end I was frustrated that my trying didn't get me any further and she felt guilty for leading me on when I was pretty much volunteering to be led.

So in my case, years ago, I didn't do no contact until it was way too late... and that, in part, cost us our friendship. Don't get me wrong, she did some bad stuff and should own the lions share, but I think if I had handled my side differently, we could have been friends down the line.

So... how to keep busy and keep your mind off her. Its one day at a time, one hour at a time, etc... at first at least. I know you're sick of hearing that time helps, but it is true. Absolutely.

Now as far as you being friends and her always having a special place... I do think the first deep love is really unique... I am a very happily married man. But there are things about that first relationship that have never been duplicated. Does that mean it was better than others?

no.

Each relationship is unique. You just can't try to match one with another. You grow and learn and you are a different person in time.

So can you be friends. Sure. I honestly think it can happen. Should you be worried about that now? Not too much. When I say don't burn bridges and be as kind as possible to an ex or during a break I do not mean be a doormat. I mean be as civil as you can as long as you are being fair to yourself. That can always allow for friendship down the line, perhaps.

But I'm just not a big believer in counting on it. You can stall yourself from moving on, even if you are focused on the friendship. Again, been there. Guilty.

So what you are going through is normal. One step, man. Then one more.

Well its me again...

For those of you who read my previous posts, you know what I have been through lately, and I am just looking for a little more advice...

Since my girlfriend has asked me for space, I have refused to initiate any contact with her. However, I told her that I would be here for her, if she ever needed me. I told her that I will give her the space she wants, but if she needs to contact me, I won't ignore her...

Well, so far she has done a lot of contacting me. In the last two weeks, I don't think we have gone 24 hours without talking, but 95% of the contact was initiated by her? I don't know how to take this..

I refuse to let myself believe that this means she is changing her mind, and thinks it was a mistake to leave me. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment, I just don't understand what is going on... :(

She has called me more than once and told me that she is very upset, and sometimes feels like she is never going to feel better, or feels like she can't live without me. The best I can tell her is that this is what she wanted, and she has to deal with the consequences of her decision. I told her that I would be here for her to talk to, but I can't tell her that what she did was right or wrong, nor can I tell her if she will feel better. That truly depends on her feelings for me I believe...

Anyone have any insight?

It sounds like from what you've written here that she is trying to dump her emotional problems or issues onto to you. To me that's a recipe for disaster because once she's emotionally fixed herself your left with her problems and not her. If she wants separation then that's what she should get. If you want to be there for her then talk about the days events but the moment she starts whining about her emotional concerns, leave the conversation. That's her problem not yours.

There are a lot of threads here like yours, where after initiating a break they want to know how to get back with the ex. The advice is generally the same and that is to leave them alone and heal and get healthy. They are a confused as your ex is and need the time to get over the emotional fallout of the break. I suspect the same dynamic is at play here as her fear of you forgetting her is making her run to you. What many forget is that a healthy, honest relationship, depends on two healthy and honest people working together and communicating to solve their problems and without that, the same things that broke them up will repeat itself. You have been smart enough to work on your issues and deal with them she has not. All she cares about is filling the emotional need you provided, without the benefit of working on herself and her issues. Its easier than facing the real problem of working for a healthy relationship. I suggest you read some of those threads and add to your own insight to decide if she is honestly ready, or still confused and needs you for an emotional crutch.

Tal, I understand what you are saying, but I don't know if you understand I am not asking how I can get her back.

The problem I was concerned with is if being there for her was the wrong thing to do...

Case in point, she just called me, not 5 minutes ago. I was at the gym earlier and I missed a call from her, but she got me when I got back. She is sick, and just called to say she wanted to say goodnight before bed. That's fine with me, then she told me how much she missed me, while on the verge of tears...

I have to admit, at this point I'm not sure what I should say to her. Pretty much all I said is... I know, its okay.. just go to sleep so you'll feel better. I want to be comforting, but at the same time I don't know if I want to tell her how much I miss her, and make her feel as if I'm dependent...

Just wanted to clarify, based on your response I'm not sure I was clear enough the first time

No prob. I knew you where not looking to get her back, and sorry for the long winded explanation I was just giving insight as to why she is calling in the first place. As far as a shoulder to cry on, as long as you let her she will call looking for her crutch. This in my opinion does her no good but keeps false hope alive on her part.

Ahh okay,

I understand a little more now...

Something ill definitely keep in mind,

Thanks

She's confused so it seems perhaps you are to. A little space for both of you to find yourselves won't hurt. Why don't you explain to her maybe you two shouldn't speak for a while. She wanted that.

Well Guys,
Im back again...

A quick summary to this point... Its been three weeks since my girlfriend of almost 3 years asked me for space, citing that she 'wants to see what its like to be single, and doesn't feel for me the same as she used to'.

I'm glad to say that I think I'm starting to get better. I still have a hard time somedays, but I am able to go out and only think about her for a few minutes at a time. No longer do I spend all night not enjoying myself because I am depressed...

My issue is this... This week is my spring break. I go to school about two hours from home, so It was semi-long distance for the last year or so, but now that I am home, she claims she has "temptation" to see me. I have seen her twice this vacation already...

I went to see her as a friend... I intended to have a good time, make her laugh, and make her realize she can still have a good time with me, though I didn't mention us, nor try to do anything outside of friendship. We watched TV, went out to eat one night, etc...

My problem is, she seems to have trouble seeing me as a friend. She will hug me, sometimes at length, and tell me it "just feels right". I have no problem with this, my problem comes from the phone call we had later that night. She explained to me that she regrets doing this like this, because a big part of her wants to be back with me now, though she still has part of her which wants to be single...

I am really confused, and I don't have any expectations of getting back together with her, at least not anytime soon. I was hoping that we could just remain friends, as I seem to have a fear of her forgetting me, though she swears, and I know, she cannot just forget me.

I just don't understand why she tells me that she regrets hugging me, but she still had fun, and she is the one that says she misses me and really wants to see me. I have not been the one to ask to see her, I have just been asked to go over and visit?

Should I say no next time? Is she asking to see me because its easier, and she doesn't really want to see me? Is me going to see her because she asks wrong??

:( :( :(

Every situation is different but this happened to me too, when I broke up with a girlfriend she kept asking me to come over and see her and we would hang out as friends and she would hug me, put her head in my lap etc and then say that it was wrong and she felt weird a few minutes later and it kept happening.

Eventually I just stopped talking to her completely since it made me feel weird when this would happen and eventually moved on.

Again every situation is different, she might be trying to decide if she wants to be back together or is just lonely so she asks you over and then regrets it once you arrive. My advice would be the same as last time, you need to move on, but others may disagree.

Forgot to mention...

The 12th was my birthday, and I believe the original reason we saw each other. She said she would feel terrible not seeing me, so I agreed to let her take me out to dinner. After dinner we hung out for a little while, and I went home.

That may have had something to do with her wanting to see me again in 2 days

Thanks lowtax,

Ive been thinking a lot of about it today, and the more and more I think about it, when she asks me to hang out again (I know she will be home tommorrow), I have the gut feeling to say no.

In my head, I want to say no, so I don't get hurt anymore, sometimes I just don't use my head when the time comes :-\

I think you need to be strong. It's not your fault she can't make up her mind.
You sound like a person who knows what they want and when you have made up your mind commits 100%, which I think is fantastic!

I think you need to say "no" if she requests to see you again. This may be an extremely hard thing to do, but in the long run I think it will be a step in the right direction.
By saying this, it will give her space to think and the time to make a decision herself.

After all nobody deserves to be kept hanging in Limbo. It's just too painfull.

I'd be scarce... you absolutely don't contact her. Be busy. Break some plans.

Be hard to get... she needs to know she doesn't have you.

Sounds like she wants to just keep you where she wants you. She doesn't want to be with you because she wants to be single but if 'feels so right' when she holds you.

Your just being moved around like a pawn in a chess game so she can get what she wants or until she decide what she wants.

Do you want to be a pawn?

Steer clear of her and look after your own interests.

Hey I'm kind of going through the same... my girlfriend told me she wants to be single (her space) and doest have time for me... what did you do did you quit calling her, and texting her? I'm kind of in the same boat I hurt every day... going through this.. but I'm the one who always ask her if we can hang out, and when we do hang out we kind of make out, etc... what should I do? Anyone have any ideas?

Ahhh "the I want space!" Time to move on. Its hard but must be done.

1) No contact
2) Go out with your mates
3) Get a new direction in your life
4) Meet new people and try different new things
5) Start some new hobbies
6) Laugh and have fun fun!

You may find she comes back! But ask yourself, do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Who after she's played the field, o I made a mistake, its not that great, well tuff sh*t love, you would have moved on to a healthier place in a better relationship :)

I broke up with my ex three times, the first two times she came back in 2 weeks. Now its been 6 weeks NC, inculding this time was my birthday. I got a message the day before saying hppy birthday. But trust me abide by NC and you'll recover a lot more quick.

hey i'm kinda going thru the same... my girlfriend told me she wants to be single (her space) and doest have time for me... what did you do did you quit calling her, and texting her? im kinda in the same boat i hurt every day... going thru this.. but im the one who always ask her if we can hang out, and when we do hang out we kinda make out, etc.... what should i do? anyone have any ideas?

Stunning, you might have more luck with your own post, but I can offer you this...

When she told me that she wanted space, it took me totally by surprise, I had no idea it was coming. After a few days of being completely devastated, I came to terms with it. I told myself, "there is nothing I can do, she wants space, I have to give it to her". Since then, I do not call/text/or IM her hardly ever (maybe 5% of the time). The vast majority is her texting me and talking to me.

My recommendations are to listen to what the people here will tell you, as tough as it is to read. In my case, I have not yet gone NC, though many people recommend it. I remained open to her, if she needs to call me, but I steer clear of talking about us, or any emotional issues she's having. I will talk about how her day is, etc... but not about us.

I still hurt most days, but it gets better. Now I can go most of the day, and only spend a short amount of time being down about it. At this rate, I can tell it will just get less and less as it goes on.

As bad as it sounds... lately I start to get angry with her. I don't let her know that, but in my opinion, its her loss. If she wants to throw away what she had with me, then that is her fault. I refuse to be upset because of her stupid (IMO) decisions.

Hope this helps...

And thanks to you other guys for your info :o

The best way to end all of this speculation and game playing is to disappear from her life and do not return her phone calls. Stay as far from her drama as possible.

Well, maybe this should be in a new post, but I don't want to flood the homepage...

Tonight, I got upset aobut the fact that she didn't call me when she said she would, and I was feeling like I was being forgotten. Though this is probably not the case, and she is trying to move on, I got upset.

When I talked to her, I told her that I think we need to stop talking, as she asked for a break and isn't giving it to herself. I also told her that I felt lead on because she "flirted" with me when I would visit, and when she is at school with friends she acts like I no longer exist, as she can keep busy. This hurts me, though I know it is coming.

For the length of our breakup, she has yet to go more than one full day without talking to me, so I am concerned. The biggest concern in my mind is what I am going to do when I start to wonder where she is and what she's doing. This has happened to me so far, obviously, but I could always call her if it was a last resort. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can approach this..

I guess the bottom line is... im scared as hell. I am really afraid that I will break, and I won't know what to do. Someone must know that sinking/panicking feeling when you NEED to talk to them, and you just cant. I am afraid I will do that, and seem desperate.
The only other concern is that she will break NC, and I will feel bad ignoirng her. When do I stop ignoring her?

Thanks for any advice, I'm afraid to sleep tonight for fear of waking up much weaker

Yeh it sux! Totally it's a four star bummer. But life goes on. People will come and go from your life, change is the only constant in this world. Some don't like it, some relish the challenge. You should see this as an opportunity to improve yourself rather than a depressive fall into oblivion.

Now this is what you should do.

1) Maintain no contact - that means storing all her details and everything which reminds you of her away in a place normally out of reach (including contact details)
2) Block her off myspace, msn all the usual stuff
3) If she tries to contact you, do not reply - block her, if there is a will, there is a way
4) Join the gym (why not go with friends) - if you need help with starting message me or chuff, I don't know anyone else currently on forums who does lifting. TeenBodybuilding.com - The #1 Site Dedicated To Teenage Bodybuilding! (http://www.teenbodybuilding.com) is a good place to start (read all the stuff there) You get a chance to improve yourself - ull look buff and your ex won't have you and it feels great
5) Listen to nice music ;)
6) Just chill out, spend time with your friends and family and keep yourself busy all the time
7) Try book a short holiday
8) Laugh
9) Enjoy life
10) Get a new direction in your life - a new hobby perhaps
11) Meet new people
12) Come here and help others

And don't worry she's not dead is she? Time heals and one day you may meet again, life goes on and you don't need anyone else to be happy.

Do what you feel comfortable with. If you like seeing her this way, then fine. Don't pay much mind to or be taken in by her double-talk. Do what feels right to you and make your decisions based solely on that. However, don't expect any miraculous re-kindling of your previous relationship anytime soon.

This is a text book AMHD case.

Girl breaks but sends mixed signals.

She needs the right to live with the responsibilities of her actions.
You don't need to be mean or rude, just SILENT.

Pretend you are in 3rd grade and the teacher is talking. You don't jump up and go hug her or call out to her... If you want her to call on you, simply raise your hand (in this case, yor "hand" is a respectful goodbye. She knows your number)

When she is wise enough to call on you and at least 2-3 months have passed and she has something concrete to say, talk to her.

Until then, let go if you want to rekindle later.
It will give you perspective too.

No one just walks away after 3 years. So, it's going to be HARD. For both of you.

If it's meant to be. It will.
Hang in there. And trust the advice of those that have "been there"

Good luck!

Thanks for the advice guys,

I guess the hardest thing at this point is just these first few days. I know we have been broken up for the last few weeks, but we maintained contact. I almost feel as if I am breaking up all over again.

Jiser - I have already been going to the gym at school every day :) To anyone else reading this, it truly does help. As far as I can tell, the gym and my music help a lot. Last night I went on a good 30 mile drive, just so I could listen to my music.

Ash - what exactly is AMHD?

I truly believe that deep down she doesn't know what its like to live without, as she has called and contacted me in the last 3 weeks quite often. I feel it is unfair for me to help her with the hurt, when I am left to deal with it on my own. I refuse to help her feel better about crushing me, only to hear that "I am trying to get over you" when I call her for comfort.

I guess I just got fed up, and am giving up on being friends... for now. There's always time for that later right?

Man I'm going through the samething... when my girl ended it w/ me man I tried anything and everything to get back w/ her... I have to do the I don't care treatment... now... its hard... but you know for some reason in a long relathship I've seen, 80 percent of the time THEY ALWAYS COME BACK. But when they do its your turn to think about it... just give it time... wait... you have fun while she is.. and when you want to call her think about it... ask yourself a question "why the hell should I call her if she's not calling me? Why should't I have fun when she is?. time will heal your pain... first cuts the deepest... you heal...

Thanks stunning, I can relate to that...

I guess at this point, I just want her to actually take the time and think like she says she wants to. I don't want her trying to forget all these feelings that she says she still has for me. I want her to think, and to understand what she is doing. Im afraid she is going to move on and then any chance of us getting back together will be lost. I know it isn't my business, and I shouldn't care, but I don't know if I could get over her being with someone else after me, then asking for me back. I wish it weren't that way, but that's the way I feel now...

Ash - what exactly is AMHD?

= Ask Me help Desk

Ooh... oops :o

This is the calssic where No contact for 3 months would have totally worked. BUT - he chose to stay in contact. That never works.

Learn from this people.

Give her the break - space etc... and keep to it.

Wildcat,

Its tough for me to start no contact when all I want to do is be there for her and help her so it isn't so tough on her. I admit now, that seems like it was the right thing to do, but I don't know if anyone can commit to that the first time they experience this...

I plan on sticking to the no contact from this point outward, and we will see what happens from here out...

Wildcat... do you think it is too late for this to actually work? Do you think that I blew my chance? The way I see it, not much has changed other than me being hurt, I don't think that her feelings have gotten much different for me, so I think that by starting NC now, I will be able to make her miss what she had...

Do you think its too late?

:-/ I feel like an idiot because I didn't follow the advice when this first happened, but you can't blame me... Live and learn I suppose :(

Ergggg,

Guys, I need advice...

We talked, and deicded to stop contact for a while, as you would know if you had read my latest update post.

She has send me a text message, and a few IMs earlier online. Up to now, I have ignored both, though I feel horrible because she is acting like nothing happened, and I'm not sure if she had the same idea... Maybe I should call her and explain it all as I wanted it? Maybe I should just text her back saying... "I thought we agreed not to talk?"

Im really confused...

:-/ I feel like an idiot because I didn't follow the advice when this first happened, but you can't blame me... Live and learn I suppose :(
Wait and see what tomorrow brings, what could she possibly want on Friday night? To see if your home or partying? Naw, that couln't be it could it? Stickto your plan, man and stay unavailable.

Guys,

As of a couple days ago, I asked my ex to discontinue contact with me as I think it was hurting me more than helping me. Her as well. I don't think it was doing either of us much good to keep contact, as I felt she was leading me on, and she kept changing her mind about talking to me.

Well, since I talked to her about the no contact, she has texted me each day. The first time, she was telling me she was driving home in the middle of a storm, against her moms wishes... I ignored it, as I didn't see that as very important, but when she called me, I answered and wanted to make sure that it was clear that we both agreed to not have contact. She said that it was and she was now "facing reality" and it was really hard for her.

Well today, she has text messaged me again, saying "feel better", as she knows I have not been feeling well. I know this is just a kind gesture, but I don't know if I should ignore it, as I stated I want no contact, or if I should respond.

I feel like I should respond, because I don't want to be rude, though all I am doing is giving her what she asked for... space. If I ignore the text message, I feel horrible, as I am ignoring someone whom I still have very strong feelings for...

What should I do?!

Send her a message saying that you are breaking contact, at least for a little while, because it is the best for both of you. That way you have replied but not really.
X

dude your really doing the right thing here.. no contact I'm in the same place as you.. your lucky though your not living with you x :(

but yeah it just hurts after you guys end.. I'm not sure who ended it.. but to have it like it was before with out the rest of the stuff that you guys have in a relationship never works.. and they act differently with you as wel. No way they treat you like there other friends..

your doing the rgiht thing hold off for a bit.. until you get over it and you can learn to go on.. I know you feel guilty and you still care for her. But remember the reason why your doing this.. its for her as much as it is for you :)

Stop replying to her she wanted space which is bull to me... either you want to be with someone or you don't... this girl/woman is now playing you along... she wants you there waiting at her will... this serves no purpose in these mails and calls to keep contacting you.
SMELL THE COFFEE HUN, and wake up to that fact that this girl wants you stuck waiting on her... you are not a "puppet" on a string bouncing up and down when she pulls on the string.
I say let her be and yes just end this charade once and for all.. find a new person to be happy with.

OK why was there so many posts? >?

Yeah, I am intent on keeping no contact,
I just wasn't sure If I should message her back, just thanking her for her concern.

I wouldn't let that lead to any further messaging or anything else.

Is a simple thank you enough to make her think she has me stuck on her??

Why would you even do that? Let it go you are just encouraging it more if you reply

If you just say fine thank you she should get the hint x

All right,

Well thanks for the info

I think I'm going for a drive, try to keep my mind off things

For now, I'm not going to reply.. I guess I just don't want her hating me, though I feel like she does anyway...

*sigh* I guess this is just the beginning

Sadly yes. It is x

Well guys,
Bad news...

tinsign, your free to yell at me all you want, I know I deserve it now...

I ignored the text messgae to feel better. Later on in the night, she called me, I also ignored that. She left a message after the call stating that she just wanted help with a computer problem her family was having in the house (I am quite good with technology). More for her family than her, I called her and helped with the situation... which unfortunaly took about 30 minutes.

Through the duration of the phone call, she could tell by my tone I was not happy, and I did not once deviate from the problem at hand... I cut all small talk off as soon as she started it.

Well after the call, I feel like a total idiot, because I find myself thinking about her nonstop now. I know it was a bad idea, and I know I won't make the same mistake again. I can't understand why even though I was so careful not to bring anything up other than the problem, not even small talk, I am still hung on this. It just made my mood 500 times worse...

ARG

See man the no contact is for you! You speak to her it mixes up all the feelings man and it just hurts like hell! Shame on her for not respecting your feelings man.. just using you as a bloody emotion pillow!

Don't feel bad man at least you didn't say I miss you! Or anything like that.. just keep no contact now.. at least you can go out on a good note.. of helping people out :) think of it like that

Take care man.. and I've been there before.. trust me it will pass :)

Well, one last update...

Ive been thinking about it, and I think I know why it was tough for her not to contact me, and why I called her back later that night because I needed to straighten things out. The night we first discussed no contact, it was late, and I was pretty upset. It was a good conversation, though I wouldn't say it was handled in the most civil of ways. After having some time to cool down and do extra thinking about it, I still think it is the best idea, so I needed to call her and talk to her and have a good conversation and end on a good note. I just couldn't do the no contact aftern ending our last phone call on a bad note.

So tonight, when I talked to her, I explained to her that any ignoring her I was doing wasn't meant to hurt her, and I'm just doing it for myself, as well as her. I explained that she is thinking about herself now, and I need to start thinking about myself. I also explained that I believe if we keep contact, it will ruin any chance of us having any sort of friendship in the future, as I fear I will end up hating her.

I think the conversation went well, and we both know how upset each other is, though this won't change my mind about this. It sounds horrible, but it helps to know that it is just as hard for her as it is for me. While this floods my mind with questions like, "why is she doing this if shes so upset", I won't dwell and I will get on with my life, and trying to live without her in it. At least that way, when we do talk again in the future, I won't hold bitter feelings towards her, and I can work toward a healthy friendship.

Im feeling good about this, though I know it will be hard. I think I have finally wrapped my head around it all.

Does it seem wrong that being angry/bitter toward my ex makes it easier for me at times? I still feel for her very strongly, but when I convince myself that she is wrong, and that she is making a huge mistake, I get angry that she is making such a stupid choice. This makes it easier for me to cope, because I no longer feel like I have done something wrong... I don't see these feelings being permanent, as I have to convince myself to feel this way.

Does this seem like a bad way to cope? I don't want to harbor resentment.

Yes, I believe it is the wrong way to cope. Being angry/bitter does not help you to heal. I think it just prolongs the healing process. Forgiveness, and knowing that each person has to make their own choices and decisions in life, whether you agree with it or not. Excepting that others have already made their decisions. Learning to except it and wish that person the best. I think these suggestions and more is better for healing for yourself.

Anger/bitter and resentment are all emotions that actually hold you back and keep you from moving forward.

I disagree,

Getting angry can help you think about what really caused the breakup and realize it might have actually been for the best.

I agree with Jesushelper in that Anger and bitterness is a vicious circle and debilitates your healing. It is however a natural part of the grief process and will need to be ridden through and in time, these feelings will become much less frequent and more reflection on positive aspects of the breakup will surface. Acceptance takes time and that is it really, Time heals.. >Take it from me, I was where you were 6 1/2 months ago and I have come a long way, it does get better.

It is no good using anger and bitterness to reflect on why the breakup happened because then you are placing blame and this will only hold you back from growing and understanding why things happen.

Quite often, there is a reason for things like this happening.

There are steps to every breakup we go through, which is perfectly normal, but to cope by staying angry all the time is not one of them.
Soon you are going to have to realize this as it is unhealthy not to go through the healing process.. this way of you staying angry is not going to heal you.
You must let go of the anger or it will turn you into a bitter person, go through your process so you can be happy again

Hi sypher373
Geoffersonairplane has a great answer for you I believe.. Life doesn't give us set of instruction or a time plan, so it really depends on the individual how long any 'cycle' takes to work through..
Just be sure to deal with your feelings and not deny them.. And if at any time you feel your struggling there are loads of professionals who are there to help you through this and help you self heal..

Please don't stay angry though, I can honestly say it's a heavy bourden to carry through life, a real dead weight.. mean while you miss out on your own true happiness..

Good luck no matter what happens.. And well done for looking for answers it's a wonderful first step to a healthier heart..

I didn't want it to seem that I am angry all the time. I would say that most of the time I am quite understanding. I know she is doing what she has to do, and she has to understand that no contact is what I must do. I cannot allow her to tell me she does not want to be with me, but at the same time allow myself to be used.

Thanks for the answers everyone, I don't see myself being hung up on the anger... I think it is beucase I don't truly understand why this is happening, sometimes the answer "becuase I want to be single" isn't good enough...

Oh.. my mistake..
Im glad your catering to try and understand her feelings as well..
You sound like a sensible person, just trying to figure yourself out.. You don't sound resentful..
I can understand your confused state..
Sometimes it doesn't matter how nicer people we are, we still get a little dumped on..
I hope this break up doesn't damage yourself esteem, just because she can't see herself with you at this point in her life doesn't mean you aren't a fabulous person to be with..

I reckon your going to be just fine and come through this experience with a new zest for life!
Best of wishes for now and the future..

Babe.. if you want to cut the contact and you think its best you just must stop replying.. she will realise.. but be sure that's what you want.. is it time to really move on or are you still wanting to be in the whole siuation... its going to be OK sweetheart.. time is the best healer... your not a bad person your just hurting.. sending you my love

It is what I want, and I know I need to do it. Im not going to allow myself to be dragged along any more... Maybe well be friends in the future... maybe not. Time will tell...

Thanks :)

Im dion my best, and I'm sure you'll all be updated at some point

Thanks for all the help

"Its tough for me to start no contact when all I want to do is be there for her and help her"

Be there for her? She asked space. She doesn't wantyou to be there for her. She's dating other guys I a quite sure.

If you want her back you need to learn about playing hard to get. Being there like a lap dog will not bring her back.

No more Mr. 'Nice' guy - her gay friend can be there for her. You need to date other people as well.

Space 98% of the time means there is another guy involved.

"Its tough for me to start no contact when all I want to do is be there for her and help her"


That is such a onesided view, and can't you see that it isn't in your best interest to keep contact, and actually push her further away. Yes it tough but for your own good leave her alone.

Your sure have a lot of questions sypher and its understandable, I just hope your learning along the way.

Oh gosh, enough about her and your pain, tell us what your doing about it. Is there anything positive in your life, new hobbies friends?? Are you paying attention to all that others are telling you? I understand the pain, and the questions but where the hell is the action it takes to get healthy and move on?? Sorry dude but I for one am tired of you beating yourself up.

Well tal,
I have finally realized that it seems when Id get upset, or have questions about it, I would jump into posting on here too soon. I have started to just take a step back and breathe for a few before I panic. I think I was panicing for a while, thus all the postings - and I apologize for anyone who is sick of that. I make myself sick when I read them all.

As for the situation, I have been going to the gym a lot more lately, healthier diet, just overall focusing on me. Its tough for me to go out so much based on the circumstances of my school, and its location, though I try to keep with the friends I have here more than be alone.

Ive finally disgusted myself to the point that I'm done posting about all my problems. Im sick of thinking about them and asking for help. From here, I am concentrating on myself, nothing else. There is no more reason for me to worry about everything, time will tell..

Again, thanks to all those who helped me through this, and sorry for being such a pain in the a** :) From here on out, I'm done with all the posts - Its time for me to man up and stop being a baby

You are feeling bad now, and I understand the need to express it. Better here on this forum than anywhere else, positive actions for the benefit of you, are what you need and that is why I came harshly to get you busy. I hope you understand that.

Absolutely,

I think I gave up being a baby to her, and I replaced it with being a baby on here. I really wasn't addressing the problem, I was just moving the feelings from one place to another, and that won't fix them. Im starting to feel better as time passes, coinciding with the beginning of NC. I hated the idea at first, it sounded so hard, but it seems to be working.

I understand what you were doing tal, and I thank you for it. Definitely made me think.

Stick by your guns. It is not being rude not to respond, especially after you've already made it clear that no contact is going to be the rule. Even if it is, you know that it's what's best for you and most likely her as well and it's what you need to do, so if it means being rude, so be it. Sometimes a little rudeness is justified and necessary.

Guys,

As of a couple days ago, I asked my ex to discontinue contact with me as I think it was hurting me more than helping me. her as well. I dont think it was doing either of us much good to keep contact, as I felt she was leading me on, and she kept changing her mind about talking to me.

Well, since I talked to her about the no contact, she has texted me each day. the first time, she was telling me she was driving home in the middle of a storm, against her moms wishes...I ignored it, as i didnt see that as very important, but when she called me, I answered and wanted to make sure that it was clear that we both agreed to not have contact. She said that it was and she was now "facing reality" and it was really hard for her.

Well today, she has text messaged me again, saying "feel better", as she knows I have not been feeling well. I know this is just a kind gesture, but I dont know if I should ignore it, as I stated I want no contact, or if I should respond.

I feel like I should respond, becuase I dont want to be rude, though all I am doing is giving her what she asked for...space. If I ignore the text message, I feel horrible, as I am ignoring someone whom I still have very strong feelings for...

What should i do?!?
I am a woman and I believe I can help you get her back if you want her, one you are not a terrible person if you don't respond in fact not responding would be best. What you need to do is first let any messages she sends roll off your sholders. She must see that your not all that tore up about the break, then if you truly want her back you need to close your eyes and vizualize the way you want things to be, then write it down in as mutch detail as you can, then reread it often, and believe it with every fibber of your being. I don't know if you believe in God but if you do God promissed what so ever you ask in Jesuses name that will God do and God never breaks his promisses. Good luck, God bless and protect you. Your newest friend Beverly Novak

Thanks Beverly,

But like I said, at this point I'm not thinking about getting back together with her. Im working on being a better person myself, and when that is over if she comes back to me, I will be a stronger person and it will be my turn to decide if I WANT her back or not.

Thanks for the support though

I am kind of going through the same thing, just give the time she asked for, just tell her politely. That way you know you can have piece of mind that you were not the cause of the time she wanted and that way if your nice about it, it will eat her up that you were not mad about it. I hate games, but sometimes you just got to.

So it a simple as asking God for it and he will deliver? Wow, the options are endless. Law of Attraction didn't work for me so maybe prayer will. Jessica Alba here I come.

Why do people want to win someone back? Maybe you can answer that for me Beverly. Why would anyone want to win someone's love? Wouldn't it be much more gratifying to earn it? I think it is quite sad actually. And I think it is even sadder that people are willing to hatch plans to help other win ex's back!

Skell,
I'd have to agree, that almost sounded like a religious recruitment speech when I read it, though I didn't want to start anything :)

Sometimes we all have to move on in life .We have to make tough decisions for those we love and to save ourselves some grieve as well

Your ex asked you for some space and obviously is confused in herself where she wants you to be . At the same time she may been as a friendly manner concerned for you.

You shouldn't feel horrible because your not replying her text message your ex asked for space and is using the time to be very confused about her feeling towards you .

Please try and move on .If she does come and see you or that out of concern or that then let it be her move to see you and contact you not the other way around .

Good luck

Yes skell... you put it best - there is no win back. It's earn it. And that can also be by giving her/him space - and then working on improving yourself.

That's my plan as of now...

Thanks everyone

Become a new you, reliant upon no one but yourself :)

Take pleasure in the small things in life, love can happen when your not even looking for it. My ex and me met at a random beach party. I wasn't even looking for love and I didn't particularly like her but it grew. Point is you don't know what is around the corner. So live for you and your friends, go out and party hard! Woo goo u

Thanks for all the insight guys, unfortunately I have one more thing to add...

Again, I am getting messages from her stating that she "is hurt beucase we have to do this" (NC), and hopes I am doing well. I know I shouldn't feel bad, because she is doing this to herself.

I guess I just want to know if you think I'm doing the right thing by ignoring these messages. It seems that in most cases, the one who initiated the breakup doesn't keep contact after the hurt one decides to go NC.

Well after reading your posting it made me smile as I have been there myself. What she has done is ask for space and then realised that she doesn't really want that and can't live without you so she is trying to be the casual one by sending 'friendship' texts to see if you respond.

Its all to do with attention. She craves your attention.

Don't text back because the more you text her back the more she thinks its OK and also it would be a waste of time telling her you are breaking off contact because she hasn't understood that before.

The other option is change your mobile number - call you phone provider and ask them to allocate a new number to you because you are getting nuisance calls and then make sure she doesn't get your number. That way you can have the space you need and she can have hers and if you want to give things ago again ring her but obviously from a landline because if she gets your mobile number again you could be back to square one.

Can't say I'm surprised...

Based on all the hints I have been getting from her before we started the no contact, I have found out that my ex likes someone else.

How exactly can she like someone else after breaking up with me less than a month ago. I don't know how she can move on so fast. I know you are goig to tell me that her emotional attachment was gone, and that she weaned herself off before I even knew.

I guess that isn't the point now, I just need to move on.

How do I handle the fact that she likes someone else? She has told him that she likes him, and she says "I dont think he likes me back", but personally I don't know if I can believe that, because after we broke up she said she wanted to be single and didn't want to get into a relationship... AND still claims she's not over me...

All my progress seems erased... I can't do it :(:(

Progress? Sorry but I don't remember other posts but come on, she has moved on, she obviously doesn't respect you or never cared very much while you were together. Forget about her and move on, and stop talking to her. Maybe in a few years you can think of being friends but anyone that dumps you, finds a new guy she likes in a few weeks and then tells you all about it doesn't have a lot of respect for you and probably just wants to see your reaction.

I forgot to mention a few details about the kid..

I heard these before/during the break up when we were trying to remain in contact.
He goes to school with her, so they share similar interests. I also know he was in a long term relationship and was dumped by his girlfriend, no more than a couple months ago. I also know he was hung up on his ex girlfriend for a while, and I think is just starting to get over it..

Seems to me that he might be trying to use her as a rebound girl... does that make sense?

It sucks that she's going to get hurt, but to be honest, she's hurt me so bad I can't say I feel bad

Yeah, exactly, they will probably have a temporary dual rebound thing but don't worry about it, you should hang out with friends more, get a new hooby. Really anything to stop thinking about her, it shouldn't matter what happens to her if she dumped you. You need to find someone new and never talk to her again.

Don't feel bad. It is what SHE asked for. She is trying to control you and so far you are letting her.

Don't sit at home brooding over it. Get out and exercise, do other things to take your mind of it for a at least a few hours or so.

You have to be strong.

All she is doing now is playing games. If she still feels this way in some time from now and you feel that things will be different and you have both worked on your issues then you can contemplate seeing / talking to her again. But right now all it is form her is games and a control thing. Not fair and will only end in more hurt in my opinion.

Thanks lowtax,

I wish it was as easy as you make it sound. I just don't understand how it seems all that time just got thrown out the window. And she has the nerve to say she "isnt over me yet" while she's confessing to another guy she likes him...

Its called a rebound.

And this doesn't halt your progress at all. Sure it is a little setback and it hurts but it doesn't change a thing in what you should be doing for yourself.

You can't control what she does and how she acts, but you can control how you act and feel.

As I said, it is a rebound and they never / very rarely work. But that isn't the issue. The issue is you and your recovery. Forget her and her childish antics. Look after No. 1.

Its OK. There will be many ups and downs. I promise you that. It is just all part of the process.

It is amazing how crisis situations bring things out we didn't know before. You are seeing things in her now, that you could not a while ago. No telling how long she has been playing games, but now that your eyes are open and your free of her control, keep it that way and just leave her alone. She'll get the message and no further contact from you is needed nor recommended.

Trust me... keep up the NC. I just got/getting out of a mess with a guy who asked for space at the end and then called me all the time and fed me massive amounts of mixed signals. Things went from bad to worse because I couldn't understand what was going on. It continued for MONTHS, until he met someone else. He was in complete control of the situation and he knew it. Huge ego boost. I honestly thought he cared about me. Just beware!

You ponder on the ex way too much, because it doesn't matter what she is doing, and who she is doing it with.

Reread all the other posts you have written here and learn from the answers you have gotten already.

I think you really need to establish I full blown no contact here. No phone calls, if you have her on MSN get rid of her, if you both have myspace or some other type communication tool where you can easily see where she is or communciate with her then get rid of it.

Unfortunately she is moving on even if this is just a rebound and you need to start doing the same don't nescessarily get into a rebound relationship but do something completely different from what you did when you where with her I know you will still think about her almost constantly and the guy she is interested in, but slowly aslong as you stick to no contact these thoughts of her will become less and less frequent and sure you might bump into her from time to time but just give a polite hello and leave it at that

This is the best advice I can give you as it is working for me so far in my break up and I hope it helps you to.

Yeah,

I found myself checking the damn myspace page too frequently and seeing things that would upset myself. I knew I probably wouldn't want to see them, but I looked anyway. Needless to say, these last two days have been pretty miserable. Since then, I deleted my myspace account, and I am doing my best to keep no contact.

Your right, I do think about her constantly, and who she's interested in. Im doing everything to convince myself to stop thinking about her, but it's a lot easier said then done.

Believe me I understand but in time very slowly you will start to heal aslong as you maintain no contact, getting rid of myspace was a good idea that will really help out trust me, and do be surprised if you begin to experience different emotions one day you may feel great the next you may feel so angry to point that you want to put your fist through the wall, and then next you might feel like someone just killed your dog, a breakup is full of emotions but aslong as you don't act upon them and stick to no contact no matter how badly somedays you might want to talk to her then you will begin to feel better and like I said it won't be right away I'm about four to five months out of my relationship and I'm still recovering so it all just takes time but trust me you will being to feel better.

Best of luck buddy.

Dude - you really neede to work on yourself. You need to learn about women.

No women wants a needy - jealous boyfriend.

MYSpace destroys relationships. Believe me - seen it over and over.

You put WAY too much importance in a women you never were going gto be with. They are part of your life - not your life - you put too much importance into someone and they will be repulsed and leave.

I might suggest a counseler - today. You really need a pro to help you through this. Making a new post hear every day won't help.

Forget about her. It's that simple, although very difficult to put into practice.

No contact will help you immensely.

man don't worry my x girl of two years we just broke up and she had someone else on the side she's talking to it realli didt hurt me I'm more on ease now knowiing she's moving on.. let her be don't stress the guy he is a rebound... keep up NC... later on become friends build your way up if you still feel the same... about myspace.. don't get rid of it... don't move her from your top... I think. If you do it will show how weak you are w.out her and she will think your so immature for doing that... let her be.. if she loves you she'll come around

about myspace.. don't get rid of it... don't move her from your top... I think. If you do it will show how weak you are w.out her and she will think your so immature for doing that... let her be.. if she loves you she'll come around

Do whatever you have to to keep no contact as it doesn't matter what she thinks at this point, what is important is you heal and move on.

Thanks for the advice guys, I appreciate it.

I feel like I finally realized something today... maybe its just the mood I'm in.

I have definitely realized that my mood swings like crazy, angry one minute, depressed the next, denial, desperation... its like a vicious cycle. Well, as of now I feel like I am in quite a rational mood.

I am starting to be able to push thoughts of her out of my mind when they begin to appear, and that helps a lot. Keeping busy by giong to the gym has helped me a lot too (good advice). In my head I knew that going No Contact was not to bring her back, however my heart felt different, though I'm over that now.

For now, I can see clearly that this is over... I still want a friendship in the future, but in my head I realize thinking of that is only slowing me down. I need to move on, and deal with those things in the future.

Wildcat - One thing you said in an old post (to GeoffersonAirplane I believe) seems to sum up how I am feeling right now... ""I know for a fact it's EASY to know what to do - but very hard to act properly.""

Thanks again for all the advice, Im doing my best to understand the panic and the anxeity are all just a phase, and they come and go. Only time will heal those wounds.

Maybe jealousy. Summit like that

Its all normaly man :) I mean wow we have all been there my friend... if I had it my way all my Xs would be painful upset and depresst with out me :) never moving on!. but sadly I know that's not true I guess the best thing is to not even think about it. Or try this.. try thinking about all the bad points that she has.. and think of what the new guy has to put up with! And think of the poor guy when she leaves him..

Your thoughts are normal, but it is something you can control by staying busy building a life without her. Don't dwell on her, thats torture, so get a plan that every time she pops in your head have something else to focus on.

Hey guys,

Its been a few days since I posted, and I have a serious question.

I am doing my best to not talk to my ex at all, since she told me that she wanted to break up. Her reasoning was that she does not feel for me as she used to, as well as the fact that she has feelings for someone else and does not feel it is fair to be dating me while she has feelings for someone else. She has also told me she still has feelings for me, and is not looking for a relationship with anyone right now.

My question is this: I have noticed that I seem to be obcessed with her. I cannot stop thinking about her, and I constantly worry that she is "hooking up" or pursuing a relationship with this kid. She has sworn to me this is not true, and I believe her as she also tells me she still has feelings for me and wants to maintain a strong friendship. I know that NC is necessary for this...

Anyway, my issue is that I am scared that I don't seem to be getting better. I have spent the good part of days sick to my stomach thinking about it over and over and over again. I have tried everything I can to keep busy, going to events at school, playing cards, going to the gym everyday, watching TV and movies. Nothing seems to help, as I spend a lot of the time while I am doing these things thinking about her. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I have also noticed that tiny things will set me off. For example, she sent me a message on the internet, just saying goodnight and hope all is well. We have a good friendly relationship, and are trying to keep that without talking so much... Anyway, she sent me the message, and I missed it, and then responded later to say goodnight. Her away messaged was simply... "Goodnight :)". What scares me is my reaction to this. I totally flipped out because my mind took a crazy train of thought: I immediately wondered if the smiley face was to him, maybe they spent the night together. What were they doing. Are they together now, did they make out. As I write this, I can feel my face get hot and my stomach feel like I am going to vomit.

Upon reading the simple message, I broke down. I was in tears with worry about it, and I did not know how to handle it. I am so afraid that even though I am giving it time, I am not going to get over it.

Is this normal, or is it possible that I need professional help. I am worried that I will not be able to handle this on my own, and I am starting to question my mental health. I know it is a traumatic experience, but I should be better than this almost a two months after the breakup. There is a counseling center at my school which I am seriously considering going to soon. Im very scared

Somebody help me :(

Its normal to have these feelings immediately after a break up but I don't think you are doing yourself any favours as far as getting over it.

You really need to cut all contact with her. Sadly you can't keep the friendly relationship going. It will tear you to shreds with worry. It is okay for her because she has already detached herself from you emotionally with respect to the relationship. She doesn't sit at home wondering what your up to and if your with anyone else. She doesn't really care for that matter.

You really need to cut all forms of contact with her in order to help these thoughts go away. No texts, no emails, no MSN or whatever other forms of contact you have. NONE!!

Listen to me here. I have been through what your going through. Very very similar. I felt all these feelings. I laid there all night worrying and crying and thinking the most insane things that now I look back were never true.

Please give yourself a chance and completely cut contact with her and begin to focus on you.

If you feel it necessary to talk to a therapist or someone about how your feeling then certainly no harm can be done. They may shed a different light on it for you. I'm pretty sure though that they will also advise you that your best therapy now is to remove her from your life and focus on you. I know when I spoke to a counselor that that was there advice.

I believe that one of the reasons that you are still so strongly obsessed with her is because you continue to have contact. You should block her on messenger, email, and phone for sure or you will just continue to feel this way.

Secondly, I think that if YOU feel that your mental health is suffering (I'd be more inclined to say emotional state) then you definitely should seek professional help. If you are concerned that you may not be able to handle this on your own that is good enough reason to find someone to explore this obsession and the reasons you are struggling so much. Pay attention to your inner concerns. It could take a year or more to get past this so you do need to find some way of coping.

She must have fulfilled a need in you that you are not meeting within yourself. Try to see this as a positive thing. It sounds like you weren't ready for a relationship of depth anyhow. Learn how to fulfill your own needs before you try to fulfill someone else's.

Best of luck!

Didi

Thanks for the advice guys,

I know that when I was doing well with No contact in the beginning, I was much much better than I am now. I ended up seeing things on a myspace profile which upset me, and since then I have been a disaster. I have since delted my myspace account, deleted her name on my contact list, though I never told her that she could never talk to me.

Didi, before I was in this relationship, I feel that I was quite complete, and was happy with my life. The problem is that once the relationship started (both of our first loves) we became dependent on each other. It tears me apart to think that she has left me for someone else, even though in all reality this may be not true at all. I think I was okay for the relationship, though once in the relationship I made the mistake of becoming dependent... I made her my life, not part of my life.

Maybe she feels that I am more capable of handling the conversations and friendships than I am. I suppose that I should tell her I cannot handle it, and I need to be completely isolated for a while. I was afraid that letting her know how weak I was would ruin any chance for a friendship/reconciliation. I know now that I need to stop thinking along the lines of getting back together, as it WILL NOT happen. I suppose I am afraid that if I don't remain somehow in her life, she is going to be with someone else, and that thought destroys me inside and out. I know that I need to stop thinking about her altogether, and her being with him, it is just so much easier said than done. I was hopeful that by now I would be on the road to recovery, maybe with the end in sight... and I know I only have myself to blame for contacting her initially.

I just hope that in time this does get better, because as it seems it is not.

At this point, I think I will stop all contact, even the friendly "hope your okay" messages. Every time I hear from her, it just makes me realize how much I miss her. If I still obcess about her and can't stop myself, I think I will see someone.

Thanks again, the insight is definitely appreciated.

Listen to Didi. You definitely need help. When you get physical symptoms two months after an High School break up, then there are problems. No doubt your sleep, energy, & appetite are suffering, as well as the concentration problem you mentioned.
Obsession is a negative emotion. It has nothing to do with love. It has to do with your needs. Didi is right. Please hold off on any new relationship until you are in counseling for a good long while. In the mean time, you family doctor or a psychiatrist could prescribe a mild antidepressant to help you with your anxiety & depressive symptoms. Remember to ask about possible side effects, since all medications CAN, but certainly do not allways result in some side effects.
If you are not going to church. That might be a good type of distraction for you now.
God Bless!

Trust me,

I have no intentinos of looking for any other realtionships for a very long time. I still get the feelings of despair, because I had everything I wanted, and I feel like its gone now.

Call me naïve, but I wouldn't classify this as a "typical high school relationship". To be hoenst, the majority of it occurred outside of high school, though it is true this was my first relationship.

Thanks for all the input

"Despair" is a strong term. If that is true, please seek help tomorrow AM from the school counselor or some one. I did not mean to indicate this was "typical" by any stretch. I'm going to bed- hopefully you can get some sleep also. I'll say a prayer for you before I drift off. God Bless amigo!
Ps:if it really gets real bad, 911 always gets you some help real fast!

I agreed with the first 2 responses and I think that the contact is tearing you apart. Like Skell, I have been through this too and in fact, when I was at your stage, he was one of the great people here on AMHD that helped me deal with my situation. I am 7 months post breakup and I can tell you, I found this website 2 months after the breakup and I was feeling very similar to you. I had the thoughts you had and I cried also and could not keep my mind on anything. The harder thing for you is that you still have contact with her and I broke this after 1 month.. It helps more than you realise, you can't be friends with this woman, not now and maybe never.

If you think you need counseling, then there is nothing wrong with seeing a professional, truth is, sometimes I think I could have done with doing this and as I say, nothing wrong with it at all.. They will be able to give you a fresh and positive perspective on the situation.

I rode my train alone with friends and family but it hurt so much but gain comfort my friend, that you are not alone, you are never alone, unless you want to be and although it may not seem like it now, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Look at me, I can tell you that I am sat behind this computer screen typing my response and I am more emotionally healthy than I was 5 months ago. I still have my down times but I feel much better. I see people on here that in my opinion have done it even better than I have but everyone is different and as long as you follow some basic rules, you will get through it, I promise you.

Again, I'm back...
I feel that I have pushed her away by trying to explain my need for no contact (again) during an emotional state. I know that I have shown her a side of me she never saw, and I am afraid that I have done permanent damage to her feelings toward me as a person.

If I did push her away from me, does that necessarily mean that I have done permanent damage? Is it just a temporary anger and frustration that she feels towards me? I hate to think the last time we talk, I was a fool and made her angry, whereas every time before it was always ended on a good note. All I want to do is call and explain myself now that I am more rational, and less emotional - but I think I might be better off just leaving her be.

Would explaining myself and apologizing for the way I acted be worthwhile in reparing some of the damage I have done? Am I overanalyzing this and should just let her be, and her feelings aren't truly destroyed for me forever?

Sypher...

Leave her alone now. What ever she feels towards you will likely be temporary but what she thinks and feels about you should be irrelevant because it has nothing to do with your process of moving on and finding a life without her.

Close the door for a while and work on yourself. That door may then be closed forever in time to come.

Sypher...

Leave her alone now. What ever she feels towards you will likely be temporary but what she thinks and feels about you should be irrelevant because it has nothing to do with your process of moving on and finding a life without her.

Close the door for a while and work on yourself. That door may then be closed forever in time to come.

Thanks Geoff,

Im just worried because it seems that its harder for me now then it ever was. I don't think I was this upset when we first broke up, which is why I was contemplating counseling. On that note, I called and made an apointment for Thursday, maybe they can put it in better perspective for me. All I want to do is stop obsessing about it.

Thanks Geoff,

Im just worried becuase it seems that its harder for me now then it ever was. I don't think I was this upset when we first broke up, which is why I was contemplating counseling. On that note, I called and made an apointment for thursday, maybe they can put it in better perspective for me. All i want to do is stop obsessing about it.


That is a good move Sypher.. You have a good positive attitude..

If it helps, read back on my first thread too and you can see how I was feeling and the good advice I got too.

Here is a link: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/relationship-breakup-help-39548.html

Also.. By keeping yourself busy, this will help you try and stop obsessing!

Just an update (and I know I'm on here a lot, reading responses really helps me keep it all in perspective, thanks again)

I think I'm starting to make a little bit of progress. Ive realized that no matter how much I told myself it was over, I was doing everything with the ulterior motive of getting her back.

She text messaged me this morning to see if I had talked with anyone else yet. I said I had not. She then said "okay, we can't talk anymore". I know I pushed a little bit, but I responded with "I was going to tell you tommorrow, but ill tell you now, good luck on your interview tommorrow. I hope your not telling me we can't talk becuase you are mad at me, and I still look forward to being your friend in the future". She responded, informing me that it is not because she is mad at me, thanked me for the good wishes on her job interview, and she is too looking forward to being my friend. I am trying to take all of this at face value, and not read into the way in which she said anything, or any hesitations it seemed she had. I know that she is honest, and if she was mad at me, I would know it. She is doing this for the benefit of both of us, and I am just too stubborn to accept that, and I see it as an offensive action. I am beginning to realize that she is being much stronger than I, and I need to follow suit before I hurt myself worse.

That said, I am not anticipating any further contact with her for quite some time. I think I have taken some steps towards eliminating any temptations... I have gone through my dorm and boxed up all my reminders - valentines cards, gifts, love notes, old ticket stubs, pictures from my wallett, and I have even burned all emails and text messages to a CD and delted them (I don't want to lose them forever). I have been tempted to check her AIM away message, or visit her myspace page, but I have been successful in stopping myself, because I know I will interpret her attempts at moving on as signs that she does not, and never did care about me and what we had. As has been said on these forums "I am comparing my insides to her outsides, and that isnt a fair judgement".

Now its time to wait. There is nothing I can do, but let time run its course, and hope I am feeling better soon. (I mean this in addition to what I have been doing - gym, TV, movies, hanging out with the guys as much as possible)

Thanks for listening

Just an update (and I know im on here a lot, reading responses really helps me keep it all in perspective, thanks again)

Do this as much as you like, venting on here and also helping others really helps and you can also identify with what others are going through.


I think im starting to make a little bit of progress. Ive realized that no matter how much I told myself it was over, I was doing everything with the ulterior motive of getting her back.

Its called Denial and I went through this.. Its really strange because looking at your situation reminds me so much of mine. Denial is totally natural by the way, part of the grief process you are going through.


She text messaged me this morning to see if I had talked with anyone else yet. I said I had not. She then said "okay, we can't talk anymore". I know I pushed a little bit, but I responded with "I was going to tell you tommorrow, but ill tell you now, good luck on your interview tommorrow. I hope your not telling me we can't talk becuase you are mad at me, and I still look forward to being your friend in the future". She responded, informing me that it is not becuase she is mad at me, thanked me for the good wishes on her job interview, and she is too looking forward to being my friend. I am trying to take all of this at face value, and not read into the way in which she said anything, or any hesitations it seemed she had. I know that she is honest, and if she was mad at me, I would know it.

Quit talking to her, remove her from your life completely.


I am beginning to realize that she is being much stronger than I, and I need to follow suit before I hurt myself worse.

Of course she is, she left you, she had done all her grieving probably far in advance of you. Reverse the situation and I bet she would be the weaker of you both. Being the one who is suddenly left behind is harder, I'm sure she hurt too but not as much as you, I am sure.


That said, I am not anticipating any further contact with her for quite some time. I think I have taken some steps towards eliminating any temptations...I have gone through my dorm and boxed up all my reminders - valentines cards, gifts, love notes, old ticket stubs, pictures from my wallett, and I have even burned all emails and text messages to a CD and delted them (i dont want to lose them forever).

Excellent.. Very positive action to take.


I have been tempted to check her AIM away message, or visit her myspace page, but I have been sucessful in stopping myself, becuase I know I will interpret her attempts at moving on as signs that she does not, and never did care about me and what we had. As has been said on these forums "I am comparing my insides to her outsides, and that isnt a fair judgement".

Excellent you read my thread about how this cat got killed by his curiosity.. LOL

For those who don't know what I am banging on about, the wise val gave me some useful advice..

Here is the link: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/made-huge-mistake-now-talk-47487.html

Post#4 from Valinors_Sorrow.


Now its time to wait. There is nothing I can do, but let time run its course, and hope I am feeling better soon. (I mean this in addition to what I have been doing - gym, tv, movies, hanging out with the guys as much as possible)

Not time to wait, but time to begin healing and time to move on and find a life without her..

Light is at the end of the tunnel I promise you! :)

agrees: Thanks for the support - thought that was chuff talking for a minute there :)

Yes, I can sometimes adopt the Chuff way of providing advice and with that in mind, Chuff is very good at this and he is a good voice of wisdom on AMHD and helped me immensely..

No, you don't need therapy at this point. As others have stated, what you are feeling is normal. I know I went through it as most of us here on the site have. Now if you get to a point where you feel so low you may become self destructive... turn to drinking, drug abuse, food abuse, or start to think about harming yourself or others (her, this possible new guy), then yes, please seek help. You have to just give it time, as much as it sucks. It sounds like you are doing what you can to stay busy, which is great, and as others have suggested consider stopping this IM business with her. I think you are on the right track. Hang in there.

Well its only been a few hours since I was here last, but I need to get some thoughts down out of my head.

I had a relatively easy time this afternoon, I was able to keep busy and didn't think so much about her and her possibly being with another kid. As the sun sets though, I can feel myself becoming insecure. I don't know what it is, but nighttime seems to be the hardest time. Maybe it is because we used to do most of our talking at night, as we both had class all day. In any case, I'm starting to worry because I can feel the thoughts of her and him creeping into the back of my mind. During the time in which we were talking (a few weeks back) she had been honest with me, as she thought knowing the facts would help me. I am trying to use the knowledge that he only "sort of" likes her, and that he is still hung up on his ex-girlfriend to help me feel better.

Deep down, I know what I need is to stop being upset that she may move on, and just accept it as an inevitbility. I hate to think of her being with anyone else, especially in a sexual way. As I write this, I am kicking myself because I know she is a very smart person, and would not involve herself in anything which was risky, or that she was unsure of.

I guess I just can't help the thoughts that come into my mind. In any case, I am going to the gym now, going to play some cards with the guys later, and then probably go to sleep fairly early tonight. Sometimes I wish time would speed up.

I am also going to put a quote from tal at the bottom of the post, so when I reread it, I can read this post. This wasn't posted to me, though I found it in an old thread, and I have read it at least 10 times today. If I haven't been able to explain it, this is exactly what I am doing, and I know I need to stop...


Well you know what they say about ASSuming. Its so easy to fill in the blanks with our own insecurities, and hopes, and dream, with facts that just aren't there. How do you know your forgotten? She's having a great time without you? Why not ASSume she is looking for you in others and spinning her wheels with a lot of candidates that don't quite measure up?
ASSume nothing and worry about it less.

Sypher you have some great advice form Geoff here. Great stuff. Please listen to him. He, like me and everyone else know what it is like.

You really have to do your best though to get those crazy thoughts out of your head. Understand that no matter what you are thinking and worrying about her it doesn't make a difference to YOUR situation. None at all. The only thoughts that can help you are thoughts about YOU! Hard I know. Nearly impossible but you must try. I think you need to get out of the dorm and do something with friends. Even go somewhere alone where you know other people will be. Meet and talk to some new people.

Or put you runners on and go for a jog. I found that to be a great way to get all those stupid thoughts out of my head. Sitting at home alone isn't going to help much.

But you really really really need to cut all the contact! Please for the love of God no more text messages. I know your worried that it will push her away forever and that you may offend her but don't. Don't worry about that at all. If she is any sort of decent and respectful person she will understand that this is something you need to do. Its in your best interests. And if she can't accept that and it makes her mad then I hate to say it but she isn't really much of a person anyway. That would be a selfish and uncaring individual and someone your better off without.

I had the same thoughts. I still do sometimes. But I can tell you that it hasn't pushed my ex away forever. We aren't close friends. We very rarely see one another, only when we run into one another out and about and we never ever call or text each other. But when we do run into one another everything is fine. Things are tough now but good people understand when someone they loved is hurting and if they are truly good people they will want to minimise that pain for them. At least that is what my good person did for me and although it hurt like hell I can't thank her enough now for understanding that we needed to go our separate ways if we were to heal.

But you really really really need to cut all the contact! Please for the love of God no more text messages. I know your worried that it will push her away forever and that you may offend her but dont. Dont worry about that at all. If she is any sort of decent and respectful person she will understand that this is something you need to do. Its in your best interests. And if she can't accept that and it makes her mad then i hate to say it but she isnt really much of a person anyway. That would be a selfish and uncaring individual and someone your better off without.


Skell,

I know that she can accept that, and she knows we need to stop contact. To be honest, when I was still talking to her she told me that she knows I couldn't handle the contact, and we needed some apart time to get over this. I am completely committed to no contact now, because I have finally realized there is no other way around it. I don't mean to repeat the same things in my posts, I just feel like if I don't get them out of my head, they won't go away.

I know this is going to sound stupid, but how exactly would you recommend me going out and just meeting people? I have a few friends on campus, though I usually hang out with them, and just them. I have always been quite shy, due to low self-confidence, which I am working on now. A lot of people have said meeting new people is a great way to get myself feeling better, I guess I'm just not sure how to do that...

Thanks for the input

Skell,

I know that she can accept that, and she knows we need to stop contact. To be honest, when I was still talking to her she told me that she knows I couldn't handle the contact, and we needed some apart time to get over this. I am completely commited to no contact now, becuase I have finally realized there is no other way around it. I dont mean to repeat the same things in my posts, I just feel like if I dont get them out of my head, they wont go away.

Good! Im sure you will start to notice a difference in your feelings and emotional state. You will still have many ups and downs and it will be tough at times and you will feel like breaking. But don't. Please don't. I can assure you it won't help you one bit.


I know this is going to sound stupid, but how exactly would you recommend me going out and just meeting people? I have a few friends on campus, though I usually hang out with them, and just them. I have always been quite shy, due to low self-confidence, which I am working on now. A lot of people have said meeting new people is a great way to get myself feeling better, I guess im just not sure how to do that...

Thanks for the input

No it doesn't sound stupid at all. It is a fair enough question and I am a lot like you. I am shy at first and quite reserved around new people. So someone giving advice like "just go out and meet new people" would be tough fpor me to follow too. Or at least it was. I am not good at it either. But I am a lot better now, and it is only through practice. Most people are generally good people. At least I think I can pick out the good ones from the bad. Down under here we are a pretty relaxed lot and will talk to anyone really. But it doesn't make it easier in the approach part. Just go to places (sporting events, bands etc.) that you enjoy and I'm sure you will see people there similar to you. It only takes the balls to say one thing to a stranger and the next minute your in a conversation with them. And if your at a place where you share similar interests then there are endless conversation starters. I know it sounds tough and it is, but hey, what have you got to lose? Nothing. At the moment I bet it feels like it can't get much worse for you so what's the harm in trying to improve your situation. It might be easier than you expect. It just takes a little courage and I'm sure you have that ion you. At least you have shown us you do by cutting contact with the ex.

One problem I see ('cause I've been there) is that by constantly logging in and keeping a running dialogue going about the breakup, you aren't putting her out of your mind. Try skipping this place, and ALL computer usage for a day and get out in the real world.

I speak from experience when I say that depression following a breakup can be self sustaining if you let it..

I hope that did not sound too harsh, and maybe it's the only way for you to avoid the urge to call her /check up on her.. etc? :confused:

But maybe take up something that is not "self improvement " related, and just go do something FUN.. get in touch with old friends. Take a trip out of town.. That's always therapeutic.

you can't just drop this like a heavy rock. i'm in a similar boat. don't try to plug the holes, just swim to shore. not sure if i said this before, but if you love her and she comes back, you're good. if not, it'll make you a stronger man, and you won't need her. i've changed allot in the last month. i've been called a psycho, extremest, dangorous, and other things i'dd rather not meantion.

Thanks Solid,
From what you've said, I know your situation must be quite similar. In reality, though the details are different, I suppose most people's situations are very similar. At least the solutions to these situations are quite similar. I do still feel that I love her, and that is why it hurts so much to think of her moving on. At this point, I need to stop assuming because it is causing me to obsess about things which may not even be true. I know that's ridiculous, and Im doing my best to stop.

Thanks

Let's remember the facts here.

Sypher's ex told him SHE WANTED TO BREAK UP. She said SHE DOES NOT FEEL FOR HIM AS SHE USED TO and SHE HAS FEELING FOR SOMEONE ELSE. Finally, she said that she IS NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW.

Sypher feels he is 'obsessed' with her, that he knows he needs to adhere to 'no contact', he is 'scared' that he is not getting any better despite time passing. Thinking about the situation makes him feel sick to his stomach and he feels he needs professional help and worries that he can not handle this on his own.

Therefore, what Sypher needs to do is pay attention to his body and mind. He needs to stop ALL contact with her. He needs to seek professional help. He needs to find ways of coping with the void he feels and find something else to focus upon. He needs to talk about it, because holding it in only makes it worse. He needs to surround himself with people sympathetic to his needs who will encourage him to grow past this and to stick to the NC rules. He needs a way to function in a healthy way without this gal.

Sypher, did you see a counselor? Keep trying... don't give up... and STOP ALL CONTACT! Contact fills you with hope and prevents you from dealing with your issues. I don't know what your hobbies and interests are, but maybe you could join a group or something that focuses on one of your hobbies to help take your mind off things.

I am also a firm believer that when you give of yourself you grow emotionally. Consider some kind of volunteer work. You will meet some wonderful people and feel good about yourself at the same time. That will help tremendously. Give it a try!

Hugs, Didi

Let's remember the facts here.

Sypher's ex told him SHE WANTED TO BREAK UP. She said SHE DOES NOT FEEL FOR HIM AS SHE USED TO and SHE HAS FEELING FOR SOMEONE ELSE. Finally, she said that she IS NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW.

Sypher feels he is 'obsessed' with her, that he knows he needs to adhere to 'no contact', he is 'scared' that he is not getting any better despite time passing. Thinking about the situation makes him feel sick to his stomach and he feels he needs professional help and worries that he can not handle this on his own.

Therefore, what Sypher needs to do is pay attention to his body and mind. He needs to stop ALL contact with her. He needs to seek professional help. He needs to find ways of coping with the void he feels and find something else to focus upon. He needs to talk about it, because holding it in only makes it worse. He needs to surround himself with people sympathetic to his needs who will encourage him to grow past this and to stick to the NC rules. He needs a way to function in a healthy way without this gal.

Sypher, did you see a counselor? Keep trying... don't give up... and STOP ALL CONTACT! Contact fills you with hope and prevents you from dealing with your issues. I don't know what your hobbies and interests are, but maybe you could join a group or something that focuses on one of your hobbies to help take your mind off of things.

I am also a firm believer that when you give of yourself you grow emotionally. Consider some kind of volunteer work. You will meet some wonderful people and feel good about yourself at the same time. That will help tremendously. Give it a try!

Hugs, Didi

Thanks for the info didi,

And for everyone, I agree that the advice to not move in is wrong. Trust me, I will not fall back into the stages of waiting for her and seeing if she will come around. If she comes around, I want to be in a better emotional state, so I can make a rational decision as to whether anything can truly work between us... then or in the future.

An update as of this morning... She had called me, and I picked up. I know this probably wasn't the smart thing to do, but I am still worried about her. It was an innocent call, she was telling me that she had accepted the job she had the interview for. I simply told her that I was proud of her, and congratulations.

The problem comes with the fact that she was upset, and I knew it. Her voice was shaking and she was near tears. I asked her if everything was okay, and she explained that her mother is making her feel horrible about what she did to me (dumping me) and that she (her mom) does not agree with the decision at all. She even used the phrase "I wont forgive you for hurting him this much". (her mom can be a little on the excessive side). I did not get very invovled, just told her that I was sorry her mom was doing this to her, and that she already did what she did, so nothing can change that now anyway.

After the conversation, I was concerned that I should have ignored the obvious signs of her being upset, and left it to her to come to me for help. I should not have tried to make her feel better as she needs to know that I am not here for her.

Surprisingly, I feel quite okay after the conversation. I was having a rough morning, and it made me feel better. I am just concerned that I am only feeling better because I am interpreting her call as I know she did not mean it. I Don't WANT to think that this means she is thinking aobut me, or that anything AT ALL will change between us. In fact, I KNOW it doesn't mean any of this, I just hope I can stop my heart from thinking that way.

Since I decided we need to cut contact two days ago, she has contacted me both days. If this continues into tomorrow, I will need to remind her, maybe a little more sternly, that I need to cut contact with her in order to move on.

Just wanted to let you all know where I am at. I am feeling all right at this point, and I know my mood will swing, but I have an optimistic outlook on this.

Maybe I'm an idiot for picking up the phone at all, or maybe I'm an idiot for reaching out and trying to make her feel better. Im not sure - but either way I know I made a mistake somehow.

What part of no contact don't you get?

What part of no contact dont you get?

I guess I just feel bad about ignoring her. I still have feelings for her, and I don't want to come across as a total a**hole. I guess I don't have a choice though.

Re-read everything you have posted here.

It isn't ignoring her. She broke up with you. She asked for space. She is leaving you. How on earth does that make you the bad guy here?

Stop looking at her though rose colored glasses and accept that she has left you and most probably never coming back.

You aren't listening. You have every right to ask for her to leave you be now. You need for her to leave you alone. She loves having this control over you. And I think you like her having it in some ways too.

She does have another guy too remember. And if you think she isn't mucking around with him then I think you are sadly mistaken.

I know its tough but you aren't helping matters here and until you do you will feel like sh1t!!

She does have another guy too remember. And if you think she isn't mucking around with him then i think you are sadly mistaken.


Skell,

Are you saying that I am to assume that everything she has said to me has been a lie? She has sworn to me that she does not want a relationship right now with anyone, that she has done nothing with him, and that he isn't interested in a relationship either, as he is still hung up on an ex of his own.

I don't enjoy her having this control over me, and I understand that the more control she has over me, the worse I feel. To be honest, the fact that she called me today, and texted me yesterday makes me feel better because I feel like I am winning some of the control back. No longer am I initiating any contact, she is doing it - which makes me feel as if I'm in control. I guess to improve this even more, I need to take it to the next level and not only not contact her, not answer her attempts.

I guess I just feel bad about ignoring her. I still have feelings for her, and I dont want to come across as a total a**hole. I guess i dont have a choice though.

Excuse me?? You feel bad about ignoring someone who broke up with YOU because she had feelings for someone else?? You don't want to come across as a total a**hole?? Mister, honestly... your continuing contact despite what she has told you makes you look like a stupid total a**hole. Get a grip here! You have a ton of people telling you that you are doing the right thing by not having contact with her. Just who are you afraid might judge you otherwise? Her?? She should respect that you are finding this way too painful. Quite frankly, if she cares about you at all she will not think that you are an a**hole to deal with this in a mature, sensible way.

Look, we have no investment in telling you to have no contact. I'm not a bitter guy trying to make all women pay for one woman who broke up with me! I have a counselling background and many more years of experience in life that you have. There are others on here who have gone or are going through the same thing and they are telling you they feel your pain but they are healed/healing because they have stuck to their guns.

IF you really want to heal then you MUST stop all contact. If you are still so afraid of what she (or other people) think, then tell her that you do want to be friends but for right now you need absolutely NO contact for at least three months. I don't really think it is good for you to put a time limit on it, but if that will help you heal then it's better to do that than what you are doing. The main thing is that you need to act and believe it's over forever. That way, if it is, you won't be back where you are now six months from now, and if it's not, you will be strong enough to make a conscious choice if this is really what you want.

For the reasons already explained by many, I urge you to have no contact. Besides, how will she ever know what life is like without you in it? Having contact with her is not good or fair to either one of you and will never resolve your issues. You need to step outside of the circle and see this with unbiased eyes. Do you really want to heal?? If so, I feel that there is only one way. Why don't you at least give it a chance?? You came here for advice and it has been pretty consistent. Why not listen to it?

Hugs, Didi

No I'm not saying to assume that, don't assume anything. I may have been a little off with that comment about the other guy but she has shown interest. You and I both know how things can work. I don't know her like you and it is good to have trust in people. And a necessity in the person we love. But in situations like this some people say and do things that are out for character. They deal with things differently than they ever have before. It is a time when you should only trust yourself. And if you trust within yourself that everyhting she is saying is true than I will trust you too. But you have to be brutally honest with yourself. Okay?

Im not being harsh with you. As I have said all along I know your pain. I am only trying to help. I know how when we are in this world of pain that our judgment and thinking becomes clouded and we only see what we want to see. Sometimes we need the help of strangers to help us see a little more of the situation. That's all I'm trying to do. Not judge or hurt you more.

I just want you to go and read every post and every bit of advice you have gotten again and determine what you think the best course of action is.

Once again, you aren't the bad guy. Not at all. She has asked for space and broken up with you. By you taking some space yourself and looking after your own interests it isn't being an a$$hole. It is being human!! And if she can't respect that then frankly your better off without her!

Had to spread it but well said didi!

Well,
To be completely honest, I have wanted to keep no contact for a while now. I assumed that when I asked, she would listen to that and not contact me. I suppose I had trouble ignoring her attempts for contact (obviously). I have known for a while that no contact is what I need to do, and I am just as aware of that now.

What I didn't realize is that answering/responding to her is just as bad as picking up the phone and calling her. Guess I needed that kick in the pants, and I got it...

Thanks for straightening me out :)

Had to spread it but well said didi!!

:)

Thank you, Skell. It just occurred to me that perhaps the reason this gal is so confused is because the other guy doesn't care for her as much as she wants him to. She may just want what she can't have. :D

Didi

Skell,

I hate to admit it, but that comment about her "mucking around with the other guy" is starting to tear me up. I know its silly for me to be bothered by this so much, but for some reason the thought of her having any physical relationship with anyone still kills me.

I know we are through, and its none of my business, but for some reason the thoughts still eat me up.

--EDIT--

I came back to edit this after a trip to the gym... After thinking for a while, it still upsets be a lot, but I can say that I'm making some progress. I am quite upset about it, but it doesn't put me in tears anymore, and I don't feel as if I'm on the verge of a panic attack any longer... I suppose that is progess

I didn't mean it to tear you up. Sorry about that. But you are sort of in this fantasy land where you seem to think that everything is going to be OK. And if you just keep being the nice guy and answering all her calls then she will come around. Not going to happen!

We are only trying to offer you advice that will best serve you and help you begin to heal. Answering her calls and being there for her won't help you in any way.

Keep going to the gym. Do things to take your mind of it all.

I know it wasn't intentional, and I know I need to get over it.

I have been doing a lot of thinking tonight, and I realize that the only thing that still really tears me up is the fact that she may be with someone else. The funny thing is, everything she has told me goes against the fact that she is. I use what she has said to help me feel better, and I know that is not the solution. I need to get myself to a state where it doesn't matter what happens, because it is not my issue any longer.

I am done answering calls, responding to text messages... all of that. Yes, I am still sad that we are not together, and I wish that things didn't happen this way but they did. It just seems that the last hurdle for me is accepting that she may be with someone else. Trust me, that hurdle is huge... I am doing my best to try and accept the fact, because I don't think I will ever get over it without accepting it, though accepting it is an extremely painful process so far.

I do have an appointment to talk with someone tomorrow, and I am making a list of things I wish to say. This will prevent me from repeating myself and sounding like a dumba**, and make sure I don't miss anything I want to say. One of the main points I will bring up is the fact that I cannot get over this, and I believe it is due mostly to my insecurities and the fact that I can't seem to just have faith and trust what I've been told.

Thanks for all the helps guys. I can see myself being better in the future, though I know the road is rough.

Skell and Didi,
I want to especially thank you guys. I know that I seem like I am not taking the advice into consideration, and I think I have just been using the support to feel better and not reading into it deep enough. I have since gone back and reread the entire thread a few times, and I picked up on things I missed. Soemtimes it helps to read the info more than once...


Listen to me here. I have been through what your going through. very very similar. I felt all these feelings. I laid there all night worrying and crying and thinking the most insane things that now i look back were never true.

Skell, I think you know what I am feeling more than I pereviously thought. I am quite certain that exact sentence sums up what I am doing, and probably under the same circumstances.

My word I know exactly how your feeling and exactly what your thinking. We all do. It was not that long ago that I felt like you do now. And that's why I'm trying my best to help you through it in the way in which I think will be best for you. Learn from my mistakes. I made plenty and if I can help others not make them then it is worth every minute I try.

You have absolutely no idea how miserable and bad I actually was. In fact every now and then I still am. But very rarely now.

It doesn't feel like it but it does get better and eventually you will like the person you have become a whole lot more than the one you were!

Hey friends,

Just updating again. In a couple of hours I my meeting with the counselor, which I am actually sort of nervous about. I spent some time writing down thoughts, so I am organized when I get there, I'm just afraid that I'm hoping for something they cannot provide me with. I know I am the only one who can make myself feel better.

My biggest issue is still the fact that she may be with someone else, but I have made a mental list of everything which supports and opposes that fact, and its obvious that the opposition to that is much greater than the support. That makes me feel a little more at ease. I also find myself switching between being able to think about it an accept it, and thinking about it and being completely destroyed. Sure it makes me sad, but it is becoming more often that I don't feel as hopeless when I think about it.

I find comfort in knowing I did not do anything wrong, and she truly is missing out by leaving me. Maybe she will realize what she has lost someday, but until she does, there is no reason for me to even think of being her friend or any sort of new relationship. I still wish that she would text me, though I know it would only make it harder because then I would have to not respond. It is easier to not initiate contact, than to not respond.

I will let you guys know how I am feeling after my meeting.

Thanks all :)

Well I just got back from my appointment...

To be honest, I don't feel like I got very much accomplished. I explained the stiuation to him, and he commented, more than once, that he was hearing a lot of SHE and not much ME. I know that I am thinking/talking about her a lot, and I guess that is an issue.

I have come to realize that I don't care how much she has hurt me, all I want is her back. I still think at times that I can't be as happy as I was with anyone else, and all I want is her. What hurts the most, is that these feelings are returned. I guess this is the reason that I find it so hard to let go. Even two months later, all I want is her. I can't help but hold out hope that she will come around, and we can be back the way we were. I know it isn't smart, but I think I would take her back, after taking it slow.

Didi, I think you were right earlier when yo usaid that she filled a need in me that I cannot fill. I have never been satisfied with myself, and being with her made me feel whole. It made me feel complete and important, and now I feel like I will never have that again. She gave me the self esteem that I never had. Going to the gym is one way in which I am trying to get some of that self esteem back. I have also ordered a book online which I hope will help me to accept me for who I am, thus making me more attractive.

I can't help but worry that I am trying to improve myself to bring her back. Im actually quite at ease right now, I just know that all I want is her to be mine and only mine. I think the reason I'm so upset is that I honestly think there is a good chance she will come back - but I know I can't think this way.

I apologize because I am sure this post was ALL over the place, but I needed to write things down. Thanks for listening.

It is unfair in her and even unfairer on yourself to expect someone else to fill the gaps in your life. That is very unhealthy and a huge reason why many relationships fall apart.

You can fill that place inside you that she filled, but you have to do it alone. You need this time on your own to build that self esteem, and become satisfied with yourself. In fact more than satisfied. You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you.

If you were to get back with her now then it would fail again. I am very confident of that. See it all the time. When people use others to fill voids in their life it never works. Sure it is great for the first part but eventually when another void opens that the partner can't fill then the whole thing starts to unravel.

You sort of need to look at it like this. You need to fill all the personal voids in your life yourself before you fill the relationship void or it just won't work. If your not happy and comfortable on your own then it is so unhealthy to use someone else to help you feel happy and comfortable. And that is a tough thing to grasp. Something that I am still doing and a reason why I am still single. I am still finding myself and until such time as I am completely comfortable with who I am then I'm not even thinking about a relationship.

I am still finding myself and until such time as i am completely comfortable with who i am then im not even thinking about a relationship.

EXACTLY! If you enter a relationship and use the other person to fulfill things in you that you have not learned to fulfill within yourself the relationship probably won't work! Your partner will get tired of being the secure one, or the funny one, or the smart one and will seek out someone that they can be on equal terms with. Sure, sure, you will each compliment each other... but things like self-esteem, intelligence, etc have to be on fairly equal grounds to allow you both to grow together.

Don't give up just because one meeting with a counsellor didn't help. He was right. Fill in the blanks with what YOU need and want in life OUTSIDE of a relationship with her. YOU MUST ASSUME THAT YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK TOGETHER IN ORDER FOR THIS TO WORK!

Keep trying... and listen to Skell. He really is doing well and has a lot of great first-hand information.

Hugs, Didi

Right now you are going through a depressive state of mind due to the end of your relationship and trust me it happens to everyone. It is a long winding road, somedays you will feel really good and then the next be back where you are. What you might need to do is not enlist the help of a counselor but better yet the help of a close friend, a therapist/councellor will usually just listen to you, but finding a close friend to listen and impart wisdom much like you have found on this website will be very helpful more so than anything else I know it worked for me and I am sure it will work for you to.

Good luck soon you will feel better just give it some more time and continue to concentrate on yourself.

Thanks guys,

That all means a lot. One thing that bothered me about the guy I met with is that he suggested that I start seeing other people and think about dating. I don't think this is the right move, as I am not nearly ready for this. I think it will be a long time before I seek anything with anyone else, and I'm fine with that.

Skell, I know that I need to become happy with myself, and don't mistake what I was saying before for what I am trying to do. I was simply trying to write down what was running though my mind. I know that is all emotional talk, and none of it is sensible, and I have no intention of remaining hung up on this... trust me I want to feel better :)



Your partner will get tired of being the secure one, or the funny one, or the smart one and will seek out someone that they can be on equal terms with.

Didi,
I found that sort of funny because I had thought along those lines - the funny thing is I was talking to her at one time in the past and trying to see what it was in him that attracted her. What I found, is that she was actually threatened by me, because I am quite a good student, and have also been almost straight A's, and she has always struggled with school. She said she enjoyed the fact that she is better at what she does than he is, and he comes to her for help... I guess it's a sort of ego boost.

Right now, I am doing everything I can to be happy with myself. I know no one will love me if I don't love myself... Thanks for all the encourgagment. Im not discouraged by the session not going as I wanted it to, and I am going again on Tuesday. I figure it nothing else, it is nice to talk to someone in person and get some things off my chest. I am smart enough to know what I need to do, and what I am ready for, and I will stick to it.

One last question, I just found that I had gotten a job that I have applied for this summer. During the conversation part of the breakup, she had asked me to let her know if I ever heard anything about it, and I don't know if I should inform her. I really don't want to have any contact with her, so I don't think I will... however, she also got a job that I asked her to keep me posted on, and one of the reasons she contacted me after I asked for no contact... I know I'm not the bad guy, I just don't want to seem like I wanted her to let me know, but I turned around and was the hypocrite... Someone just yell at me so I don't do it :)

Thanks again

DON'T DO IT!!!!!... howssat?? :D

I actually wanted to tell you that I am proud of you. If you read your first couple of posts then read your last couple, you have come a LONG way!

It will keep getting easier...

Didi

Thanks Didi,
I feel like I am doing better as well, but I know I will have ups and downs. Next time Im having a down, ill come on here, instead of looking to her to make me happy :)

I know once I am happy with myself, I won't have to use other people to make myself feel better, I will be capable of that. That's an exciting thing to look forward to.

No, don't tell her. Your looking for excuses to contact her. Why does she need to know? She doesn't.

Like it or not she isn't part of your life at the moment. She doesn't exist!

No, dont tell her. Your looking for excuses to contact her. Why does she need to know? She doesnt.

Like it or not she isnt part of your life at the moment. She doesnt exist!

Yeah, Ive decided that's best. Im sure she will find out some way or another, but I don't need to tell her. Maybe she will know during the summer, if we ever talk on good terms.

I really feel like I'm starting to get better. The sadness of not being with her anymore, and her replacing me is starting to be replaced by feelings of anger and betrayal. Ive come to realize that she was wronged me, and I have so much more to offer her than this other kid.

If nothing is going on between them, then I am getting upset for no reason, but if something is, I am getting myself over the fact that she has moved on. I realize now that this is her mistake, and she is going to learn the hard way. Its not my problem anymore to try and prevent her from making mistakes.

I think deep down, she feels that if she regrets this during the summer, we can work at it and be together again - and she is in for a rude awakening. I am starting to see through the emotional cloudiness, and I know I'm worth much more than someone who will leave me for such a stupid reason.

Ill keep you guys posted... thanks again for all the advice, it really helps to read and know that people understand and have noticed I am headed in the right direction :)

I really feel like I'm starting to get better. The sadness of not being with her anymore, and her replacing me is starting to be replaced by feelings of anger and betrayal. Ive come to realize that she was wronged me, and I have so much more to offer her than this other kid.

Hi Sypher,

I've PM'd you some of my thoughts and I really think you are coming along nicely. Like I say, I see a lot of what you are going through as a reflection of what happened to me. Be prepared for many ups and downs, you may feel as though you are getting better, which is good but there will be hard times too. You have a great attitude and from what I know so far, she may have her regrets.

But forget what she will or will not regret and focus on you!! Stay out of contact and get busy living!

You'll be fine!! :)


Well I just got back from my appointment...

To be honest, I don't feel like I got very much accomplished. I explained the stiuation to him, and he commented, more than once, that he was hearing a lot of SHE and not much ME. I know that I am thinking/talking about her a lot, and I guess that is an issue.


Actually, this counselor made a very good point. It should all be about YOU and not HER!

Focusing on her will get you nowhere. SHE is not part of the big picture anymore and the SHE part of it is in HER world now and for HER to deal with not YOU!

I think you are progressing faster than you think Sypher.

I took this quote below from another thread I answered Sypher because I think it would be useful for you too..

Take a look!


You should not need another person to make you happy. Find yourself again and soon enough you will enjoy being single. Its just a matter of riding the emotional rollercoaster, keeping busy, working on yourself. Find new hobbies, work hard!

Improve your image, perhaps change it and you find that your confidence grows again!!

Loneliness does not last forever after a breakup. Once you relight your fire again and get busy living, you realise that you are less alone than you think!

Thanks for the eocourgagement Geoff, it really helps...

I wanted to post a bit of an update..

Today has started pretty bad. Its been a rough morning so far, I tried to sleep as late as possible so I wouldn't have to be awake to deal with this crap. It started with me being upset about her being with someone else... again. I know I have no proof, and actually have more proof to the contrary, but its still hurting me. As I laid in bed, thinking about it, I believe what bothers me is that I feel like the physicalness of our relationship was sacred, and if she expierences that with someone else, that will be lost.

Not 5 minutes ago, she was messageing me online, and that hasn't helped. The message she sent was along the lines of:

"I can't talk long, and I know we can't be talking anyway..I just wanted to tell you that my Mom hasn't talked to me in 2 days becuase she is so mad at me."

Her mom is mad at her about breaking up with me, and Im beginning to worry that she will regret this for the wrong reasons. On top of that, I ended up seeing her info, which put me in quite a sad mood. Whatever the quote was, it was all about being sorry but having to do this, and "its hard when beginning the rest of my life has to start wtih breaking a heart" or something like that.

I didn't respond at all to her messages, though all I wanted to do was make her feel better. I ignored them, and acted as if I wasn't at the computer. I know what's for the best, but for some reason, knowing that she is sad makes me want to cry. It hurts me that she's hurt.

Anyway, I'm worried that today is going to be a very rough day, and am actually looking forward to my mom getting out of work so I can tlak to someone. I need to talk to someone or else I feel I'm going to have a breakdown. No matter what, I won't let myself call her... I just want to go back to where I was yesterday...

Thanks for listenening guys

Just wanted to add something about the messages she sent me...

I've been thinking about them, and I got worried for a little while that it seems she wasn't upset about anything, but then again its hard to judge emotions through text, and a one way conversation. I wasn't about to break NC to find out if she was or why she wasn't upset about it.

The way I see it, she is looking to me for comfort, because she has no where else to go. Why else would she tell me about a fight between her and her mother that's about me? Is she trying to make me feel bad? To be hoenst, I don't feel bad, ebcause I agree with her mother. I was the best thing that ever happened to her,and she's going to learn the hard way. Her mom is right, just as I'm right, but she won't see that until she learns it herself. Im not so worried about the fact that she's not thinking about me/sad about this anymore, because I don't think she would have ever contacted me if she wasn't thinking about me, and her info definitely wouldn't have been about us breaking up if she thinks I'm not even seeing it.

I feel good and bad at the same time. Im sad that she's hurt, but she brought it on herself. Im feeling okay beucase I know what we had was real. She hasn't just replaced me. Im also be cautious to prevent myself from getting any sort of hope out of this.

-Sypher

Last one, I promise :)
------

My ex's parents and I have a very special relationship. I have done work for her step father, and helped them both a lot, as they have done for me. They treated me as a child of their own, and would do anything for me...

Should I call her mother, and request that she stop doing this to my ex? I know that might be over stepping my bounds, and I should probably just let the entire situation be. I'm just pretty confused by this whole mess.

Maybe I should let it roll off my back.

I know how you feel. But going to her mother is still hanging on to her. I'm having an issue kind of the same as yours and I'm tempted to go to his father or his best friend, however, I do feel that it is over-stepping my bounds and that it's a totally separate issue and sto stay out of it. There's no point in giving anyone any extra fuel for the fire. Best of luck.

Sypher... you really need to block her. Look what seeing messages from her does to you! Do you want all the gains shot to heck because of a few IM's?? You need to shut her out completely... for both you... and her. Move on. Stop living in the past. As I said yesterday, act as if it is totally over for good.

Didi

I suppose I assumed that as long as I didn't respond to her it wouldn't affect me, but your right... just seeing things, even if I have no contact with her is quite painful.

Thanks

Yes you need to block her. Your keeping the avenues of communication open. Even though you don't responds she still has a way to contact you and she will use it to tell you this stuff.

You don't need to hear it and she has no right to be telling you. She has to remember she has broken up with you and she has to leave you be. She has to deal with her mother herself. What she is doing now is just trying to make her feel less guilt and you feel sorry for her by portraying herself as a victim here. And your letting her.

Id also be careful about saying and thinking things like you being the best thing that ever happened to her and that she will regret it what she has done. Maybe, but also a big maybe not. You don't know that and once again it is focusing on what she is doing and thinking and not you. You really need to quit beating yourself up and worrying about her. She isn't worried about you so why are you worried about her?? The only person you need to help is yourself.

Skell,

I think I found out what I was scared about the entire time:

I know she still has strong feelings for me, but is so confused she can't manage a relationship. Well anyway, I was afraid that by ignoring her, and feelings she has left for me would be destroyed. I guess I don't know if ignoring her when she needs me will make her want me more, or just annhiliate any feelings she has left remaining for me.

I know now, for my own sake, any attemps she makes to contact me I have to ignore. Every time I don't, I am set back and end up miserable all over again. But, do you have any input on my concerns about her remaining feelings? (except that I shuldnt care :) )

Thank you

if you two still care about eachother, than what's the problem?

She's confused about what she wants and how her feelings really are.

To be honest, she is so confused I can't put much importance in anything she tells me. There is no way that I can believe 100% anything she says one way or another, so I need to give her the space to figure out what it is she wants. She knows that she can't be in a relationship with me if she does not give me 100% of her heart. Apparently she does not feel ready to do that.

Wow... I wish mine would at least call.
Do you feel better now that she's said that? For some reason, I think I would because then there would be hope. But that's just me. It's probably not a good idea either.

Wow...I wish mine would atleast call.
Do you feel better now that she's said that? For some reason, I think I would because then there would be hope. But that's just me. It's probably not a good idea either.

Broken,

To be honest, it makes me feel worse when she calls or talks... and I can almost guarantee it would do the same to you...

Listen...

She calls me, sometimes crying, sometimes just about to, almost always with some sort of emotional problem. I talk to her, help her through the problem. She feels better, thanks me, says she's glad that I she can trust me to help her, all that bs. We get off the phone, I feel great. I feel like I have helped me a lot, and she's not going to forget what I'm doing for her. I feel like I've earned some "brownie points" and am helping my case.

Then the next day comes, and I feel like crap... I feel horrible beucase I know I am not going to get to talk to her that day, and all I want to do is know she needs me. Think of it almost like a drug... I get a little taste, then I want more and more and more. What happens when she doesn't need a shoulder to cry on? I'm left hoping for something that Im not giong to get.

Trust me, its better that she doesn't call you, all that does is provide more things for me to worry about, and never gives her the chance to miss me. If every time she misses me, Im here for her... she gets her fix and then she's gone.

You said "at least it would give me hope". That's NOT what you want, trust me. You want to move on, accept that it happened, and don't hold ANY hope at all. If she does come back, let it be a pleasant surprise. You cannot hold out hope that she will come back, for if she doesn't, you will be hurt worse than you are now, and I'm sure you don't want that. It happens to me, I feel hopeful that I have helped her, and she thanks me for it, so I think, its only a matter of time now...

Well you know what, it doesn't matter if it is or isn't a matter of time. If she comes back, I don't want to be waiting for it. If she comes back, I may not want her back. All that hope will do is set you back, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Its happened to me more times than I wish, so I'm not letting it happen anymore.

I know it hurts, so does everyone on this forum, but time makes it better.. and once it starts to feel better, you Don't want a call to set you back where you were before... trust me.

If you need anything, feel free to PM me.

cypher, it sounds like you're at the point where you've got things for the most part figured out. that's a good thing. you've prety much got this thing taken care of. i'm happy for you. i only wish i could figure my way out of my situation..... gratz man.

Maybe I understand it solid, but that doesn't means its easy.

Im still bummed everyday, but accepting what happened definitely helps in the healing process. There is no reason to be upset and worried about what hasn't happened. Of course I will still "mourn" the loss of someone that I loved, but its no reason to stop living. Trust me, nothing you will do will bring her back, and trying will push her away. She may come back, but if she does, it won't be because of what you've done.

Understanding the situation and knowing what to do aren't the hardest parts, the hard part is doing IT once you know what IT is.

Good luck to you

Sypher she only calls you because you let her. I hope you have stopped letting her.

Sypher she only calls you because you let her. I hope you have stopped letting her.

I have, don't worry :)

I have, dont worry :)
I have been going through this also, when they call I guess we do let them... its been a long time for me going through this I let him get away with it. But this what I'm working on now to stop it... good luck

Hey guys,

I don't know if anyone's still following this thread, but I just wanted to vent a little bit.

Yesterday and most of today went awesome. Im not sure what it was, but as this evening came on, I started to get all the old feelings coming back. Im not going to call or message her at all, but for some reason the old temptations to check things are back. Im not going to, but I thought I was over those for the most part. Hopefully, they will be gone after a good nights sleep - I hate constantly reminding myself I probably don't want to see what I'm going to see if I look.

I'm also starting to upset myself with those insecurities and fears of being forgotten again. Im not sure what it is. I guess even though talking to her made it much harder on me, it was also a reminder that I hadn't been forgotten. I suppose Skell may have been right when he said that "part of me likes it too", I just didn't realize it at the time.

I know the smart thing to think is that not talking to me probably makes her miss me more, as she should for making such a stupid decision. By talking to me, it probably just gives her the "fix" she needs to get through a few more days, and I need to stop being her drug. Hopefully these feelings don't get worse as the days go on, I was so hopeful and optimistic yesterday and this morning...

Thanks for listening

Hey guys,

I dunno if anyones still following this thread, but I just wanted to vent a little bit.

Yesterday and most of today went awesome. Im not sure what it was, but as this evening came on, I started to get all the old feelings coming back. Im not going to call or message her at all, but for some reason the old temptations to check things are back. Im not going to, but I thought I was over those for the most part. Hopefully, they will be gone after a good nights sleep - I hate constantly reminding myself I probably dont want to see what im going to see if I look.

I'm also starting to upset myself with those insecurities and fears of being forgotten again. Im not sure what it is. I guess even though talking to her made it much harder on me, it was also a reminder that i hadn't been forgotten. I suppose Skell may have been right when he said that "part of me likes it too", I just didnt realize it at the time.

I know the smart thing to think is that not talking to me probably makes her miss me more, as she should for making such a stupid decision. By talking to me, it probably just gives her the "fix" she needs to get through a few more days, and I need to stop being her drug. Hopefully these feelings dont get worse as the days go on, I was so hopeful and optimistic yesterday and this morning.....

Thanks for listening
Hi, go back and read some posts, yours and others, it usually helps by re-reading them... gd luck

Dude stop worrying so much about what she is doing and start worrying about what YOU are doing. That is all you can control.

If she has forgotten you already then she isn't worth it anyway. But who cares. Doesn't change a thing. Every post you write is about her and worrying about what she is thinking and doing.
STOP IT!! YOU!!

Thanks Skell,
I know I worry too much, and I guess I've always done that.

I guess I really hate the fact that I don't have control, but I know I can't do anything about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm doing a lot better than I was a week ago, I was just having a lapse tonight. I'm sure ill be back where I was tomorrow, I guess I ran out of things to keep my busy :)

Anyway, 90% of my thoughts lately have been about me and my future, so I am definitely making progress. Its just trying to keep those thoughts from consuming me. Im training myself to keep them out of my head, because I know all they do is make me worry and there's not a damn thing I can do about them.

On a happier note, I found out that I received an Intenship position I applied for this summer, which gives me something to look forward to. By far the highest paid job I have ever held, and its in my field, so it will provide me with tons of experience.

I want to thank you guys again for letting me complain everyday :)

I know my mind isn't always where it should be, but I'm sure you know it gets a little tough at times... No matter, I know what I need to do, and I'm going to keep on doing it.

Summer... here I come :)

Well done on the job and yes you are doing good. It is plain to see in your responses. Its great to see. Keep it up and keep moving forward.

Good news about the job too. Congratulations.

So happy to hear about your internship, Sypher! Woohoo!

Okay... now, about the problems you are having in the evening - you need to find something you can do as a replacement for those thoughts. Go out, take a walk, call a family member (and DON'T talk about her!), lift weights, take a shower, find an all-night bowling alley, shoot a game of pool, go to the Y and swim, knit, write a book, watch a comedy, paint... ANYTHING!! Sheesh... go stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself to straighten up! :P

In fact, if you absolutely MUST dwell on her then do this. Get yourself a notebook. Every time you feel those temptations or feelings come back write them out. THEN... and this is the key... respond to those written words as if you were talking to your best friend. It's kind of like talking to yourself. Just write whatever comes to your head, then respond to it in a helpful way.

You have come a long way, mister, don't go backsliding now! (I know you won't!)

Hugs, Didi

I think I'm starting to understand how this whole thing works...

Im defnately going through the mood swings which, from what I understand, is completely normal. Lately I'm feelings pretty angry/bitter about what she's doing - but I'm keeping it out of my mind and just living my life. At least I recognize that Im going through mood swings and I know my mood will change in a day or two.

Time for TV and bed,

Night All :)

Yup,

Up and down. Ride the roller coaster. Just stick to your guns though!

You know, I can tell you are a real nice guy (maybe too nice?)... but that doesn't mean you can't allow yourself to feel angry with her, you know! It's okay to feel it. In fact, it's healthy.

Yes, you will have mood swings. Just try to learn what triggers them and plan ahead how you will deal with them, then they won't feel too overwhelming when they hit.

Hugs, Didi

Distractions help yes and will become part of your normal life once more, as time goes by you will find her less and less in your mind. One day you will wake up and you won't think of her all day then perhaps she might pop into your head in a fleeting thought. You will think to yourself - my god! I am over her.

You'll never forget your past unless you die or something else bad... but after time, months maybe years it will become easier. People will come and go through your life, other relationships will probably end, however throughout this the only path you will be on is your own and you must choose how to walk it, no one else.

I know of several people in my immediate family who reunited with their childhood sweethearts etc. My cousin met his ex of 3 years (during his late teens) in his early/late twenties I believe - they been together 10 years now. My auntie married someone from her past many years after she had kids and had been married once and had several other relationships. Despite this though! - Best not to hold on to hope.

Hi sypher, just want to let you know that your on the right path, and have come a long way in the last month and a half, since you got here. I like the therapy idea a lot, and it may not seem like progress is being made, but I hope you stick with it as I'm sure it will help a lot in the long run. I must point out though, That of your 14 posts you are always talking about her and hardly about you. I bring this up because it is so unhealthy to put someone else's problems before yours. Since you cannot help her, that's her problem, you should focus on you and your issues. I also see you talking a lot, but not about the actions your taking to get a life without her and enjoying yourself. Talking and venting is great, but nothing beats some solid positive action. While you are writing those feelings down make a list of things to do whenever she invades your thoughts for more than a minute. Overall leave her alone and don't care how you do it or how her feelings are hurt. No Contact is NO CONTACT, whatsoever. I know how hard it is but you better concentrate on getting healthy, so you can see things clearer and can find your own happiness. You already know all of this, so please I beg you to spare us her feelings and problems cause we don't give a rats a$$ about her at all, but do want you to be able to deal with life on its on terms. Your doing better than you think, hang in there. This is one long a$$ thread and I hope you appreciate the people who care enough to help you through this. I do as you have had great support.

I definitely appreciate everything that everyone has said, and I have read and reread this entire thread quite a few times. It helps me to read the same things a few times over.

I know I seem to be hung up on her and how she's doing, and that was basically my reason for questioning counseling. It just seems to be something in my mind that won't let me stop thinking about her. Im not sure I think about her any less, but Im certainly less upset than I used to be, so I'm getting somewhere.

Im hoping that with time the thoughts I have about her will fade out, as I become more busy and have nothing to do with her anymore. I know its frustrating to you guys, just as much as it is to me, that I can't keep myself from thinknig about her, and I wish it was a switch I could flip... Maybe there's something different about the way my mind is working, or the way I'm looking at this, but trust that I'm doing the best I can to keep her out of my mind.

Thanks again to everyone for all the help... im sure id be having a much harder time without all the advise I get here. :)

Well I'm home for the holiday weekend, and tonight sucks.

No friends around, either busy or still at school. Not only that, I'm tempted to do things I shouldn't do. Going to be a tough night... Im really starting to get angry with myself because it seems like I can't let go of this, no matter how hard I try.

I realize that its starting to get old that I'm always sad about this, and I apologize if I'm getting on your nerves, I just needed to write this stuff down :( My mind wanders back down paths I know it shouldn't and it just sucks. All my doubts/insecurities and fears are playing through in my mind.

Either way, I'm going to go for a drive, maybe some loud music will clear my head a bit. I know it was stupid of me, but I was hoping she would contact me just so I know she's thiking about me. The stupidest part is that it shouldn't matter to me if she's thinking about me, but for some reason it still does.

Anyway, I know what to do, and I know what's wrong... I just can't seem to fix it. Time will help.

I really want to thank anyone who's still reading this.. I guess I just need to get out and clear my mind a little. Hopefully I can stay busy and keep off here all weekend, that's my goal. Happy Easter all

Yeah! Friday nights use to be my worst. Everybody having fun but me. Sucked big time. But I found a few chess players and had something to look forward to. Trust me your mind is mush after a best of 7 series.

Give it time, Sypher... it will fix itself as you concentrate on YOU. You will be a lot further ahead if she doesn't contact you. If she does it will set you back big time. You really need to set some goals for yourself and work at them. A long time ago I suggested some charity work. Seeing the plights of others less fortunate than ourselves usually is a humbling experience. You really do need to keep your mind occupied and healthy. I hope the night goes okay. It will be a difficult weekend but lets hear some positive stuff about YOU, okay??

Hugs, Didi

As I like to say a little therapy never hurt anyone. Some of them are very good at their lob, and others not so much. Keep trying the right one can change your life. Also no matter what anyone tells you there is nothing wrong with taking anti-depressants. Its no different than being sick in any other way. If you can muster the energy exercise always helps too.

You want some positive stuff... heres some :) (maybe thinking about it all and writing it down will help me remember it)

First off, I got my new job. Im really psyched about starting that, going to be making loads of money this summer, and I don't have to spend it on a g/f anymore :)

I've also been hitting the gym nice and hard, I'm lifting a bit more than when I started, not to mention the 15ish pounds I lost since I started. If I lose another 10 or so, Ill finally be happy with my weight and hopefully my self-confidence will go up some. Im also reading a book that I got on Amazon called "The six pillars of self esteem". I just started it, only about 15 pages in, and I left it at school... ill have to read a little more on Monday... anyone read it?

Im really looking forward to the summer. I will be so busy with my first 9-5 job, going out at night, and I may even have a side project through school. My mind won't have time for anything else. Im also going to get a membership toa gym come summer time as the school gym won't be available anymore.

Tonight was all right, the drive really helped. Its funny how the music I thought would depress me actually made me feel better :)

EDIT-

Forgot to mention... I've been thinking pretty seriously lately about joining the US marines. Ive always wanted to do it, and just figured I wouldn't be able to. I've finally started to thinik... WHY NOT? I've got two more years of school, then I may join up and see if I can get my dream job in the military. It would be a perfect transition to the government, which has been my goal for a long time. All the thought and research I've been doing on that helps me to keep my mind busy as well. Anyone have any expierence/relatives that were in the marines? I'm trying to get some insight that's a little more objective than the recruiters office :D

I'm currently going through the same thing again. My ex broke up with me 5-6 times within 5 yrs (can't remember really how many) But cut all ties of from her because it going to eat you up inside and you'll keep think of her. I never did that when she broke my heart the other 5 times. I just told her yesterday to leave me alone for ever and meant it. I felt bad and I know that's not what she wanted to here but I'm #1 not her. And you shouldn't worry about her anymore its hard not too but she's not your problem no more. I thank God I found this site, because it getting me through this faster then before. Tal told cut all ties off and give every thing back which I'm going to do tomorrow. Then I'll coutinue to heal myself. I still think about her and it suck. But there are some great people here on this site who care, your friens and family. I read these post over and over, it helps a lot. Hang in there, time does heal!

Guess I didn't make it all weekend :(

Quick question/concern on NC. I know NC is to be used to let myself heal... I guess to remove the emotional "need" I have in my ex, so that I can be healthy on my own. My question is this... To be worried that any contact with her would reduce the effect of her missing me is against the point of NC correct? I mean, to worry that she will stop missing me/miss me less because of contact is an indicator that I want her back, which is unhealthy... am I right?

My only other concern is that I seem to use the fact that summer will be here in 4 weeks, and with that she will be out of school and away from her friends (whom I still blame for all of this), to make me feel better. I know that's not right, and I know it doesn't mean anything will change then, but it helps me to relax to know that any temptations will be moved far away from her. Is it all right if I use this line of thinking, just to get me through the times I go through now, and hopefully by the time summer does come I have made some better, longterm improvements?

All right guys,

I think I'm going to make this my last post on this thread, at least for a while. Hopefully by the time I post again, enough time will have passed for me to start a new thread.. with a happeier title.


To be honest, I just finished rereading the entire thread... again. Im starting to get disgusted with how stuck on this entire thing I am. I really just want to get over and stop worrying about everything so much. Im getting to where I am sick of my daily life, beucase it's a constant battle with myself.

Soooooooooo, from here on out, I'm taking some time off. I am going to see what I can do to deal with all my issues on my own, and hopefully, maybe in a weeks time, I can post again and give you all an update on how great I'm doing. I know ill be fine, I just need to learn to deal with my issues on my own and stop looking for advice on every little bump in the road.

I want to send a sincere thanks to everyone for all their help throghout this thread. I really appreciate all the time and thoughts you guys have put into this for me. The post above this should be my last seeking advise, at least for some time now. If anyone as anything to say about that, I certainly will check this thread, as I know I will be rereading it in the week to come.

Thanks again to all that have helped me, and I only look forward to being strong enough to move on from this, and have a life without this constant emotional battle.

Hey guys,

Its been a while, and I figued I sort of owed you an update on my situation.

Well, since the last time I have posted things have changed a bit. I started to finally be able to move on, and was getting along all right. I still had quite a few relapses, good days, bad days, all to be expected I suppose.

I'm not going to say I ever cut contact completely. The longest without contact that I had ever gone was probably about a week, though any contact we did have was very minimal. Well it turns out that she has been doing a lot of thinking and told me this:

'I wanted you to know I have been doing a lot of thinking. Ive been thinking about us a lot and Ive been happy when I was doing it. Ive been happy because Im thinking about my future, and your always there in it. I know your not ready for a relationship, and neither am I, school is too much right now'

I'm not exactly sure where we stand after this conversation, but I wasn't pushing the issue. I let her say what she needed to say,and I let it go. I don't want to obcess on one issue and become hung up on something. She has 3 weeks of school left, as do I until summer break. I have two more years of college, she is done for good after these three weeks. At this point, it seems I will be waiting to see what happens then.

By no means am I "giving in" or going back to the way we were. I am continuing the exercising, reading for improving myself esteem, good diet, etc which I started because of the breakup. I assume, if anything, we will begin as good friends, and see what happens from there.

She hasn't told me that she wanted to be back together, but based on what she did say, it sounds as if that may be where her mind is headed. If it does happen, I am happy to think the relationship will not be the same. I had issues with how attached we were before, and how it was hard to keep my own life and go out with my own friends when I wanted to. I believe this has given the relationship the opportuinity to change and/or start over.

One last point id like to make is that I like the fact that she told me this in a cautios way. This makes me believe that she isn't jumping into something on a whim, and that she is truly trying to think her way through it and be careful about what she does. She didn't say, "I want to get back together and have things go back the way they were", rather, she said "I know were not ready for a relationship, but I wanted you to know Ive been thinking".

Let me know what you think?

Thanks again to everyone who was here for me throughout this whole ordeal, I wouldn't have made the changes to myself without you. And no matter what happens, that's the biggest gain I will get from this.

-Nick

Hi all,

If you don't know my situation, this link should bring up mostly up to speed: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/do-therapy-76282.html .

I am back again because things are progressing, though I want to be sure that I am handling this correctly... Over the past few weeks, my ex and I have begun to talk slightly more often, in a friendly way. Now I haven't initiated any (at least very minimal) contact between us, though for the next few weeks I won't be very busy, so I am usually available. When she calls, I will answer and we will talk.

The conversations have been innocent. I made it very clear to her earlier in the breakup that if we talk, I don't want to talk about us nor do I want to talk about any romantic interests she has other than me. Some of our conversations have lasted over an hour, and they have always been enjoyable on both sides. During the week, I and her are both at school, and we talk maybe two nights a week. However, on the weekends, she is home, away from her friends and schoolwork, and we talk more often.

We have seen each other on the weekends, and she is beginning to act more and more romantic towards me, and seems to be having trouble keeping her emotions hidden. I don't make a big deal out of things she does, as I don't seem to be so hung up on it anymore. She has hugged me, held my hand, run her hands through my hair, etc etc and I try to ignore the fact that it is happening. She has told me that she is afraid to do anything which will hurt me, as she is undoubtedly still confused.

Here are my concers:

-Though it is much less, I still am bothered at times by the fact that I talk with her much less durng the week than on the weekends. I do not want to feel as if I am suddenly second to her friends, though technically we are just friends.

I know there are many happy couples which don't talk every day, and for some reason, even though we are not a couple, I still miss her when she doesn't call me for a couple of days. It seems to bring out my insecurities and I begin to think that she is lying to me, and that she doesn't miss me at all. I know this is normal to some extent, and maybe I am just overanalyzing. What do you think?

As an update to how I am doing: In general, I have been getting much better. I have 2 more weeks of school, then summer break starts and I can't wait. Working full time all summer, and (hopefully) buying myself a motorcross bike :) I still have the sadness/worried feelings, though mostly in the mornings when I first wake up. I have finally discovered that I can control my thoughts, and when I begin to get upset about specific events/things I have seen, I can stop the thoughts, and return to a normal mood much faster than before.

Thanks to anyone who read the whole thing, and thanks in advance for any advice :)

Bro... do w.e u want.if she loved u like u think.then it wouldn't mater how clingy u are and how much u call her. If u miss her u miss her, and if u trust in her love for u then she will back no matter what...