Three years ago my husbands ex stopped communication with him:no phone, moved, and had his almost 1 yr. Old daughter with her. We had not seen or heard from her since. About 6 months ago we saw her in a wal-mart. She ended up having all sorts of problems and the child has been living with us for about 4 to 5 months now. We are not able to take care of her and nurture her like we would like to and have discussed adoption... I am not even sure where we would start?

Why can not you not care for some child. Or is it that you don't want to?

So far, from what you have posted, this little girl is not your to put up for adoption. Where is mom now?

The mother is now living with a friend, has lost her job, and has admitted to not being able to care for her... I know that not I can put her up for adoption, but her father and her mother can. We just don't know how to go about it, and that probably won't be what we will do. And I will admit that the situation has been very challenging and she has been fighting me tooth and nail, but I do care for her and don't know what more I can do to help her except for love her, and I am still trying when it comes to that. It would have been a lot easier if we would have known her growing up and if my husband would have been able to help in raising her then. We are now trying to get ourselves in order and things are just upside down. She has all sorts of scars over her head, foot, leg and we are finding more often so we are not sure going back to the mother is such a grand idea. The amount on her just do not seem right for a well taken care of child at the age of only four. We are just trying to look at our options. I am sure we will figure things out whether we get much help or not...

Talk to an adoption agency.

A 4 year old with issues isn't anyone's idea of the perfect child to adopt, though. But if they are serious about it, it's best to do it now before she is unadoptable and spends her life in foster care.

If you CAN do it financially, and just don't want to because the child is not yours and not easy---I urge you to get family counseling instead so this little girl is not uprooted qand left to feel abandoned again

I know I was thinking that is what we might need to do too. Thank you much...

OK thanks for the reddie. I told you what you have since confirmed in post #4, you can not put her up for adoption. Maybe next time if you want help put what you put in post #4 in your first post so we can understand the full nature of the situation.

I put more but it cut off or something that is y the beginning didn't quite make since... but her parents cannot put her up for adoption if they chose to?? That is why I was asking... not for me. When I said we I meant the mother and father and yes I will be there every step of the way for support if they were to go that option, which I don't think we will.

And I wasn't being rude or anything your answer just didn't help any...

You said we and I was correcting that thinking, you are not part of this issue. I asked about moms where abouts since she appeared to have custody after they split.

Oh no one had custody she just disappeared with the child out of nowhere before the child even turned a year. They never went to court or had a reason to at that time, because they had been trying to work the arrangement out between the two of them. He wasn't able to find her until the day at Wal-mart... And yes I know I am not part of the decision officially but I am here in the situation and we have all three talked about it is all. So they are involving me when it comes to discussing. I know that they make the ending decision though...

Where are you located?

New Mexico

And I wasn't being rude or anything your answer just didn't help any...

Then I would suggest you understand how this site works before you post any further. You have insulted a well-respected, knowledgeable member of this site whose opinion counts - the fact that YOU don't like what was said doesn't mean it's wrong.

What do I think? I think it's amazing that this 4-year old child has a good chance of having a second "family" walk away from her for reasons I don't even understand. The child is in the way? Finances are that tight? The father didn't make any attempt to contact the mother, to support the child, until you ran into the child and mother at WalMart, at which time the mother handed the child over, no Court proceeding, nothing? That is a good question - who supported the child for the first year? The State? Certainly the father made little or no attempt to see or support the child (from what you've posted).

"She has all sorts of scars over her head, foot, leg and we are finding more often so we are not sure going back to the mother is such a grand idea." You don't THINK going back to the mother is such a GRAND idea? What does Child Protective Services think about sending her back because you are having difficulties with her? For a touch of the dramatic - I'd worry less about the scars on her body and more about the scars on her psyche.

Good you asked the question - but this turns my stomach.

My heart goes out to this child. First she loses her mother, now the family that she has come to know doesn't want her. I see nothing but a very troubled future for this poor baby.

My heart goes out to this child. First she loses her mother, now the family that she has come to know doesn't want her. I see nothing but a very troubled future for this poor baby.


We posted minutes apart - stomach turning situation. I see adults who walk away when the child becomes inconvenient. Sad... no, tragic.

It's very tragic. This child is going to grow up with some very serious trust issues.

I am sorry if I offended anyone in any way. I didn't say that I didn't like what he had to say, all I said was that it was unhelpful to my situation. I thought this site was for helping people and that is all I was asking for, was for some help. From my point of view I am not the one being judgmental to others. Maybe try asking questions instead of shooting out accusations JudyKayTee.

This is something that is very close to the heart and we are trying to figure things out. I am more worried about her psychologically than physically because at the time she is healthy and we are coming to find out a very active girl, but of course her dad wants to know what she has been through physically because that could have something to do with her psyche.

I have not been rude, but have been responding to what others have said. My husband tried like hell to find the mother. I am not just saying this because I think he would, I was with him every step of the pain and sorrow. I am sorry he did not handle it like he should have, how are you supposed to handle it when someone disappears with your child? He couldn't say she was kidnapped because neither had official custody. He got involved again as soon as he located them and was given the chance.

The difficult thing here is it was like she was put with total strangers anyway because her father was not able to be in her life. We are trying to figure out what is best for help and right now I am hoping love will be enough. She starts school next year so hopefully in time we will learn to care for each other. Until then we will all probably get family counseling, which is definitely better than letting her be raised by strangers. I know that, and that is not what I want for her. And again I am not trying to be rude just letting everyone know as much of our lives as I can so there won't be anymore doubts.

The mother asked for us to take her because she was going through a divorce, lost her job, and had nowhere to stay; so yes we took her with no court proceedings... The little girl was told that, that man was her father until the divorce, and we have come to find out that he was the reason they stopped communication with her real dad and they disappeared. He wants nothing to do with her now. So yes, extremely tragic. Growing up thinking these things and finding everything out at the age of four.

We have had her since January, right after Christmas. You would expect her to have come with clothes and a few toys at least. Nope nothing, the mother brought a grocery couple pairs of pants, three shirts, and one jacket. We have since then filled her drawers, given her a room of her own, and are learning with one another. BY THE WAY: the guy the mother divorced kept everything for his daughter, that is why she came with nothing (bastard).

I am sorry if I offended anyone in any way. I didn't say that I didn't like what he had to say, all I said was that it was unhelpful to my situation. I thought this site was for helping people and that is all I was asking for, was for some help. From my point of view I am not the one being judgmental to others. Maybe try asking questions instead of shooting out accusations JudyKayTee). ...


I have no questions that you could possibly answer that would change my answer - and I don't think I'm alone in that.

What should the birth father have done? If someone disappeared with MY child I'd have hounded the Police and the Courts until they found her AND the child. I'm an investigator. I locate people all the time - there's no big secret formula there. So - what did he do to support the child until she was "given" back to him? Perhaps the money he would have spent during the first years of her life if he had been ordered to pay support (or had simply paid) could be spent now.

The child was in an abusive situation which could have been discovered and changed IF he had tried to find her.

As far as you having to provide clothing for her - that's what a father (and in your case, a stepmother) do.

And for the record - I have FIVE stepchildren. The "system" is not unfamiliar or unknown to me.

If you can't handle the child or the financial and emotional obligations of raising her, yes, I think surrendering her to the authorities is best all the way around. Do I think she's with "strangers" now? No, she's with her father and stepmother. She's young. With some help, she'll adjust. The question is whether you will. If you are not welcoming on any level, she'll know. Children are perceptive.

What does your husband think is the best solution? This, of course, is not your legal problem. This opens with a questiona about "our" daughter but - as I believe you said - this is your husband's legal problem.

Are you saying that the bast*rd here is the person who married her mother,supported and fathered her for 4 years, divorced the mother and somehow (contrary to law as I know it) "kept everything" (I'm assuming you are referring to "your" daughter's clothing and toys) for his daughter?

Thank you I am not trying to change your answer. Just letting you know more about the situation we are now in is all. I know what he should have done and what he did lol That question was sarcastic, because he did do some of what you suggested. The system is unknown to me which is why I am turning to total strangers and asking for advice. I was not complaining about buying her clothes and toys. I enjoy clothes shopping with her and getting her things when we are able. She does not understand why she was not able to keep her clothes and new gifts from Christmas and that is why I mentioned that. I know that this is her father and so does he. She is the one I was referring, because that is how she felt, I am sure. He of course does not want to send her away or give her up especially after he has just gotten her back. Like I have said, we will most-likely be looking into somehow getting family counseling as soon as we can find out how to go about that. That was good advice and is what we have been talking about the last couple of days.

I think I understand you better now.

I'm sure she doesn't understand. I'm also sure that the counsellor will caution you not to criticize the mother and "step" father, no matter how unfair, obnoxious and uncaring they are.

Step parenting is hard work - did you know about the child when you married your husband?

And I know he can't go back and change what's happened. I'm positive he would if he could. At first it seemed to me that you were defending him... now I don't think that's the case. I think he felt helpless and handled things the best he could.

I hope he appreciates how hard you are working at this, how concerned you are. Legal voice or not, you're certainly in there pitching for her (and, ultimately, for him).

Let me say again - and I have 5 - step parenting is not always a walk in the park. Of course, neither is being a stepchild.

Your posts are becoming very contradictory. In the beginning you wanted to know how to give her up for adoption because you "are not able to take care of her." Now, your husband does not want to "send her away" because he just got her back.

We are trying to help you here, but you keep changing your story.

Adoption was the wrong question. What I really need to know is how can we get help with this, what should we do, you know? There are other children involved. I am 23 and have never dealt with anything quite so sensitive. I was emotionally abused growing up and am still learning. My husband is a few years older and handling things much better of course. We will figure this out I am certain of it.

I am not changing the story. We talked about adoption, I never said that is what we wanted. And I posted this only a day after he and the mother had talked about it. We have already moved on to other solutions to helping the child, and us.

I'm glad you have moved on from that idea. Giving her up for adoption would be a horrendous thing for her to have to go through with life long trust issues among other things.

"discussed adoption... I am not even sure where we would start?" That is clearly asking for help to start the adoption process in my book.

I know I don't think any of us were in our right minds thinking that. She is just very confused tests me with everything she has. She was given no restrictions where she was before, pretty much able to do whatever she wanted to whenever she wanted. It just makes it hard now though because we just don't work that way. We don't eat a lot of junk food and that is really all she ate before. She was just sort of a wild child for a while. Some days she can be brilliant and others she does everything in the world to see what she can get away with. It is just hard for me because I am the one with her all day long. She thinks if she is good for awhile then after she gets what she wants she can be a nightmare. It is funny but then when you have to go through the same things over and over again it feels like where does it end.

We were asking for help but as I said have moved on from that option.

I know I don't think any of us were in our right minds thinking that. She is just very confused tests me with everything she has. She was given no restrictions where she was before, pretty much able to do whatever she wanted to whenever she wanted. It just makes it hard now though because we just don't work that way. We don't eat a lot of junk food and that is really all she ate before. She was just sort of a wild child for a while. Some days she can be brilliant and others she does everything in the world to see what she can get away with. It is just hard for me because I am the one with her all day long. She thinks if she is good for awhile then after she gets what she wants she can be a nightmare. It is funny but then when you have to go through the same things over and over again it feels like where does it end.

But this is what children do. From your description, she is acting like virtually every 4 year old I know.

Rather than considering adoption, maybe you should consider taking some parenting classes along with some family counseling.

I know it all sounds normal... don't know how to explain everything going on. Parenting classes never hut anyone. That is a good idea. Maybe some psych classes too while I am at it. Now to find the time for all of this since hubby works continually and I am with the kids and taking online classes... we will see.

Meant to put never "hurt" anyone. Probably just seems so hard because it is not my child I am going through this for but I am trying to think of her as mine. I do love her already although it has only been three to four months.

I thought I saw the question changing as the thread moved on.

Glad it evolved the way it did... and all good answers.

Thank you for all of the advice everyone. I know I am not legally responsible, but I am here in this none the less.

Updating everyone and letting you all know who helped that this little girl was abused mentally, physically, and sexually by her mother and members of her ex step fathers family. We have reported what we know, it has been taken to child protective services, we are getting counseling, and my husband has custody. Thank you for all of the support.

Please send prayers and hope that we really can trust the system especially after we have spent all of our savings and this little girl may never be repaired.

Wonderful, wonderful news! With the right counselling I am most hopeful that she will rise above her past. Thank you so much for keeping "us" updated. I'm so happy for all of you - I'm sure there will be struggles but at least you've able to stop the cycle. Of course, you can't change what's happened before but there are people specifically trained who can and will help.

I'd keep records, all of that "stuff" which may or may not ever be necessary, keep your cool (which you've done) and give this child a chance.

I can't express how happy I am for you.

I must admit that when I began to read this thread I was very worried for this child.
Not so much now, I'm glad that she has you.
Like Judy said keep your records, you may never know when you may have to pull them out, hopefully never.
The part of me that is mother and grandmother wonders how anyone, let alone a parent could treat a child so poorly, yet I know that it happens.
Stick with the counseling and give her all the support and love she needs and then give her a little more.
It will make the difference in her life.
I wish you, your husband and step-daughter much happiness.

Thank you so much for updating us!

You are doing a wonderful, loving thing in helping this little girl--With that kind of love and encouragement, and good counseling, I'm sure she'll be able to overcome the horrors she has dealt with.

Best of luck to all of you--We'll be here if you need more support for the tough times you'll be going through, too, if you want it. Things WILL be tough, but it will be so worth it in the end.

Thank you again!