I met a woman online about 1.8 years back. We were friends for ten months, before a chance chat via PM made me reralize I had feelings for her, and she for me.

We have been through a lot together, even though we have never met, and we have even had to go through a lot of family difficulty. She is Indonesian, and I am Irish. Plus, she is about to get a divorce, and has a son.

The problem with me, is that for 26 of my 27 years, I was a loner, and happy to be like that. Constantly depressed, impulsive, destructive, and there was nothing anyone could do or say to control me.

Then... I met this woman, and within a month, all the anger and bitterness was gone... I couldn't believe it. She took it all, and left me down to my bare emotions. Feelings I hadn't felt since the age of twelve.

I know I love her. But, last months, something happened, and my feelings didn't die, but got hidden. Almost like the way I was when I could not feel anything, and then... I wanted to run away.

We talk on Skype everyday, and when I talk to her, the fears and doubts leave... but come back when she is not on.

So... my question is as the header states. Why do I love her, but want leave?

I have told her my doubts, and my fears. We are both smart people, and understand a LOT about psychology and human emotion, so I have a clue how to get around it... but for now, the fear is there, and it is causing me a LOT of emotional pain and sickness.

I just want to see the joy in her face again...

You said you have a destructive nature, you want to ruin this for yourself, so you can go back to self pity and loneliness

Just because you love this female, and an attachment has formed through electronic networking, over time, doesn't mean you have to over react because of those feelings. Keep her as a contact friend, but develop your own happy, healthy life. Solve your issues, and let her solve her own. Many people under stress are attracted to others who are stressed, and take this as love, when its just a feel good reaction to their own stresses.

If you make it complicated, it will be complicated. A big read flag to pay close attention to, she is divorcing, and a healthy romance is impossible at this time as she needs plenty of a proper healing space by you. Not to mention the stress caused by distance. Intense feelings of attraction will not remove the challenges, and obstacles that DISTANCE presents at all, though we fool ourselves into thinking it can.

I would put off any romantic notions at this time, while developing dialogue, and giving you both the freedom to resolve personal issues in your lives, and be healthy and happy as individuals. Frankly, the potential to be dependent on one or the other to be happy will make ordinary human support as a friend IMPOSSIBLE, and could poison anything possible by actions fueled by feelings, and not enough facts.

Any healthy relationship, be it friends, or lovers REQUIRES both partners to be HEALTHY to begin with.

but for now, the fear is there, and it is causing me a LOT of emotional pain and sickness. I just want to see the joy in her face again...

She is NOT your medicine for happiness, a healthy happy life on your own is, then you can share happiness, NOT misery.

Why do I love her, but want leave?
FEAR, of the unknown, getting hurt, failing, changing. All of these can make one afraid of doing the necessary. It also makes your love for her grow, as something that bring relief from that fear, but common sense sees few options to make that love permanent, or a path to make it permanent. It's a high risk you or her are NOT ready to take, so DON'T!!

You both have to deal with fear of the unknown future, and get a path to happiness as individuals. So go get happy for yourself, and find that positive attitude that puts smile on the peoples faces, through hope, and confidence.

FINALLY,

so I have a clue how to get around it

What pray tell do you mean????