My 19 year old granddaughter is ruining her life. Since she turned 18 she moved 2 hours away and lives with other relatives. They are no help. She has been staying near her dad who has not parented her for 17 years, he is a loser, no steady job, no car, and lies all the time.

She stated she was bisexual and has been hanging with 17 year old girl. Since being with this girl, all her hopes and dreams have vanished. She is very disrespectful to her family, and will spend every weekend with this girl and her family but never even call.

Her hopes of joining the military are probably dashed because she got a large tattoo in her forearm. The girls parents this girl think it is great. Will she ever grow up? We are all so devastated. She will never make it without the military, because she needs structure in her life. Needs to be motivated she has attention deficit and has a tough time learning. Is her life going to be stifled?

Hi djmulvih,

I feel for your situation. All you can really do is be there for her if/when she makes contact. Continue to try and stay in touch with her. Send cards and notes now and then. Ask about how she is doing, show an interest, voice your concern in a calm and gentle manner, but try not to bombard her with negative comments about her choices. Ask about how her plans for the military are going and offer to help with it if you can. It may be something she puts on hold, and goes back to at a later time, or changes her mind altogether.

ADD will not keep her from achieving success in school if she decides to go that direction at some point. There is help and support for her. She may find a career idea that she wants to train for. It would not be unusual for her to change her mind a few times on what she wants to do.

The choices are hers to make. You can offer guidance and suggestions, but she chooses to use them or not. It can, and likely will, be frustrating when she doesn't do what you think she should be doing, or how she should be doing it, or even when you think she should be doing it. Many kids go through a period of self discovery and thankfully most end up doing just fine in their own time.

You risk more by coming on too strong in your opinions. Not that you shouldn't have them or even share them, but it's in how they are shared. Out of love and concern, or out of disgust and dismay... there is a tremendous difference. Is her mother in the picture? If so, what are her thoughts? How much involvement or communication does she have with her?

Her life will most likely be fine. She may have some bumps along the way, hopefully none too serious, but she will mature and figure it out.

Yes her mother is in the picture. She has done all she can to lead her right but is heart broken about this situation.being her grandmother I always was in her life since she was born and we were very close, now she just disrespects me. It is killing me . We just want the best for her but will she see that at just 19 and just 17year old girl relationship is not healthy. It is so difficult when this other girls parents are brain washing her. Also her dad drives her 2 hours every weekend to be this girl but tells her it is not right. What message is he sending her. Also she cut. Her waist long hair very short and dresses like a 16 year old boy.do you really think she will come to her senses? I am so worried her dream was to be a parama.tic and have a career in the service but with a tattoo all on her forarm I don't know if she will be accepted anyway. Am I wrong to feel so bad?

You aren't wrong at all. It is perfectly understandable. There was a plan, of sorts, and she was heading in that direction. Now things are turned around and it just doesn't make any sense to you. That is sometimes how it is when young people are growing up.

She has the foundation from when she was younger, hopefully that will help guide her through some of her decisions. Try not to follow too closely what she is doing since it serves no purpose other than to upset you more.

I know you aren't comfortable with her being in a relationship with another girl, but that too is sometimes the way things will be. She is learning about herself, and this may in fact be a part of who she is. She may find she is attracted to both men and women, and if so, it can't be changed no matter how much you may hope it will.

Tattoos do not automatically rule out military. What branch was she interested in? One of my daughters was interested at one time while still in high school, she even did training with the other recruits, and she got a couple of tattoos while training. Your granddaughter can work towards becoming a paramedic without the military if she continues to want to pursue that career. The military and becoming a paramedic may end up not being her dream any longer. She may very well replace them with new dreams. Or again, she may come back to them at a later time.

Love her and support her (which doesn't mean you have to like or agree with her choices). Regardless of her choices, being disrespectful to you is not acceptable. Since she may want you to be accepting of her views and opinions, she also will need to be accepting of yours. It has to go both ways.

Continue to be that foundation that she grew up with and odds are she will come back in that direction at some point.